The Secret Life Of Billy Chase 8 - 25. Chapter 25

Sunday

- Would it have been totally heartless for me to have done it sooner? Then again, would I be any less of an asshole if I had waited until Christmas instead? I don't know. I keep thinking, over and over that things could have gone so much better if I had just thought things through a bit more before doing...what I did.

Or...maybe developed the common sense to not have fallen into this trap from the very beginning. How would that be for a new strategy, right?

So...I guess it's over now.

Jimmy and I are no more. And I thought I might be relieved about ending things once and for all. That I might even be proud for doing the right thing and just...letting him go before he fell any harder for me. Instead, I feel really 'dirty' about it. I feel scummy and cruel and just...I just know that I'm going to spend the rest of the night worrying whether or not Jimmy is ok. Or even alive for that matter.

Whenever you hurt somebody this badly...it just leaves a gaping hole in your spirit. An emptiness. I'm feeling it right now as I write this. I feel like I basically ruined Jimmy's life. And I honestly didn't mean to do that at all. I know that it was stupid of me to get involved with him in the first place, but...I just...I don't know what came over me. Jimmy was such a good friend at one point. He helped to pull me back from the brink of self destruction when I was out there trying my hardest to not give a damn about anything or anybody. He talked to me. Flattered me. Made me smile on days when a smile should have been utterly impossible. He deserves my love and attention just based on a sense of gratitude alone. But...I failed him. I abandoned him and I let him down. Jimmy...poor Jimmy. I couldn't feel more fucking selfish about it than I do right now.

:(

Thinking about it now...I can't believe that I've been going through such similar cycles with the so-called relationships in my life...and they always lead back to Brandon. When I wanted to be wanted, AJ was perfect. But that went sour almost as quickly as it began. Bobby wanted me, body and soul, but I didn't want him back. Lee treated me as though I was no big deal and never found the time or the energy to ever speak to me or engage me on a deeper emotional level of any kind. And yet, just the opposite...Jimmy gushed over me constantly without any hesitation or shame at all...and yet....none of them, not a single ONE, seemed to be the matching puzzle piece to the left over space that existed in the very center of my heart. Not like Brandon did. Nobody but Brandon could fill that void, or even come close to making me truly happy. Everything else was 'make-believe'. And I can't understand why? I just wish I knew what it was that Brandon does differently to make him so...so damn SPECIAL to me! I'd rather spend my day HATING Brandon than loving somebody else. At least he'd be on my mind. And he never had to do anything to muscle his way into my heart. It was like...he just belonged there. You know?

It was a privileged spot that was reserved for him, specifically. God's gift to me. And ONLY me. How can I be this screwed up over just one boy at the age of 15? Does love get worse as we get older? God, I hope not. It's hard enough to deal with the first time around.

I don't think I'll ever be able to forget the hurtful look in Jimmy's eyes. Or the tremble in his voice. Or the way his knees went weak on him as he practically collapsed right in front of me on my bedroom floor. I thought that breaking up with Bobby Jinette was always going to hold the title for one of the most difficult things that I ever had to do. But that was a picnic on a sunny afternoon compared to what I had to do to Jimmy today...

I actually got up early this morning for some odd reason. Can't explain why, really, since it was my day off. Just an academic habit, I guess. I decided to go into the kitchen and make my mom some coffee while she was getting ready. It was hardly a grand gesture or anything on my part, but I figured that she's been so down lately that every little bit of help I could give her must count for something, right? Apparently, I make my coffee way too strong for her tastes, because the look on her face after the first sip...hehehe, you would have thought she had just bitten into a hot lemon! Still, she pretended to like it...kinda. I'll just put that on my list of things that I'm not really good at yet.

She still wasn't talking much. Barely enough to communicate at all. But I didn't push. I doubt it would have done much good anyway.

Well, I went to watch TV in the living room for a while, but my mom hadn't been out of the house for more than a half hour or so before I got a call from Jimmy. I must have been the very first thing that he thought about when he woke up this morning.

I hesitated to answer. I wasn't sure what to expect. I never answered him back last night after he spent the whole evening frantically searching for me to come over to his house or for him to come over to mine. There was such a sense of desperation involved that I ended up avoiding him for that very reason. Would Jimmy be hurt? Angry? Or maybe he'd just be super happy that he finally got to talk to me again after such an aggressive effort? I wasn't quite sure, but I certainly didn't plan to spend my Summer Monday 'hiding out' in my own house, afraid to answer my own phone. So I picked it up and said hello.

Jimmy was like, "Omigod! Sweetie, you're HOME! I was so worried that I missed you again. Where were you yesterday? I was going out of my MIND trying to figure out what happened with us getting together for a while. I miss you." There was such an overload of boyish joy in his voice. And all I could feel in the center of my heart was 'shame'. Shame for letting him get to this point. Shame for having to dash his hopes, and completely crush his heart...like smashing a baby kitten to death with a fucking brick.

Every word that I spoke to him felt like a lie. And even if it wasn't a lie, it was masked by the veil that lies hide behind. It hurt me just to see him so...anxious for us to be close again. Naked. Sexual. Intimate.

I wasn't going to lead him on anymore. I wasn't going to fall for that horny boobytrap where I convince myself that I'll only do it one more time and deal with breaking his heart later. Jimmy has to know the truth. I'm really not the brutal type...but in this case, I knew that I might have to be.

At one point, Jimmy just came right out and asked me, "So you're not working today, right? You wanna get together? I can come over. I just bought some more condoms and stuff too, soooo...I was thinking that I could come over and maybe we could spend the whole day together using them up." Then he added, "I really crave you something awful when I don't get to see you for a while, Billy. It makes me kinda sad."

I'll be honest...there was a part of me that wanted to make up some excuse as to why today wouldn't be a good day. To just tell him that I was busy and that I wouldn't be able to hang out. And there was another part of me that wanted to be 'safe' and just end it with him right there while I had him on the phone. But after the situation with Lee...I already knew that wasn't the best way to go about doing something like this. There wasn't any way to approach him with this at all without completely ripping his life apart, so safety wasn't even an option...

Jimmy must have heard me pause, because he was like, "Billy? Hehehe, what's going on? Can I come over, or what?"

And even though it hurt me to say it, I told him, "Yeah. Sure. Come over. I think it would be a good idea if we just...sat down and talked for a bit. Ok?"

I didn't want to arouse any suspicion over the phone, but I didn't want to get his hopes up for anything erotic to happen either.

I don't think hiding my tone of voice worked. Because Jimmy said, "Um....ok. But we'll have plenty of time to talk after you fuck me so hard that it makes both of my legs all wobbly and useless! Hehehe!" He said it with a nervous rattle in his stomach, but whatever he was thinking, he was trying to ignore it. I just told him that I'd be waiting. And I accidentally hung up the phone, just as he was saying, "I love y..." Click.

This was gonna be hard. I knew that. And while I waited for him to get to my house, I thought of every possible excuse that I could use to back out of this. To maybe just...welcome him with love and kisses and pretend that everything was ok. I could be having SEX today! You know??? Hot, unadulterated, hardcore, boy sex! Jimmy's ass was sooooo nice and round and juicy...and he LOVED the way that I touched him. Sucked him. Slid my naked body up against him as we cuddled on my bed and sighed with the relief of having that physical connection with one another. But...it was all just a forced fantasy that I was working hard to maintain without really knowing why. An illusion that I purposely dumbed down my own intelligence for in order to find some temporary enjoyment in it. It wasn't like Brandon at all. It wasn't the same rush of romantic frenzy that I got just thinking about his smile. A full blown orgasm, sprayed deep in the guts of Jimmy LaPlane's tight, clutching, asshole...wasn't even a fraction of the joy I felt just hearing, secondhand, from Stevie that Brandon might want to talk to me again. That he might want to call a truce and that we could work to repair all the damage that we've done to each other over the past few months. In comparison...my entire interaction with Jimmy was a shameful waste of my time. Not to mention a betrayal of our friendship. I just didn't want to do this anymore. I feel like a lesser person because of it.

Sam was right. If I want Brandon, I should just go for Brandon. Period.

I was literally pacing the floor by the time Jimmy rang the doorbell. I was sooooo scared! My chest was fluttering and my stomach flipped over...and suddenly I felt bad for making Jimmy come all the way over here just to get his heart broken. I probably should have gone to his house instead. Like I said...I wish I had been given more of an opportunity to think this through.

The moment I opened the door, Jimmy practically leapt into my arms. He draped them over my shoulders and pulled me in for a kiss on the lips before I could even say hello. And not just a quick peck for a friendly greeting, either. I had to physically push back from him when I felt his tongue attempting to slide into my mouth. I hadn't even closed the front door yet, and he was already pawing me like a piece of meat.

There was a bit of awkwardness as I tried to detach his needy arms from around my neck, and I stepped back...wondering if I should just blurt it out or have a slow build up to what I needed to really say. I wrestled back and forth with the idea, and my vice got stuck in the back of my throat. I couldn't look Jimmy in the eye. Even when I tried to, it was only a few seconds before my gaze dropped back down to Jimmy's sneakers.

Feeling the discomfort and tension in the air, Jimmy tried to weakly laugh it off. He was like, "Heh...you know, I'm always buying us condoms. You're buying the next pack. You're the one wearing them and tossing them out after all. Hehehe..." I don't remember what I said exactly, or if I said anything at all. But Jimmy waited for a moment, and then he said, "Billy? What's...I mean...? Am I missing something here?"

Sadly, I mumbled, "No. No, it's not that."

Jimmy began to tremble slightly as he noticed my eyes darting secretively around the room. He asked, "Is something wrong, or...? I mean, you're being a little weird today. Hehehe..." It was a gentle laugh. A fake laugh. And when I didn't answer him, he was like, "Billy...? What's up? If you're busy today or something, that's totally cool. I can come back tomorrow. It's no big deal."

Feeling even worse inside, I said, "No....it's...it's not that either."

At this point, Jimmy seemed to get extremely nervous about what was happening at that moment, and he did his best to get rid of the feeling in his gut. That instinct that was giving him the hints he needed to figure things out. But, like I said...it was just a forced fantasy. One that he wanted to hold on to for just a little while longer. Jimmy worked up a little smirk and said, "You know what you need? You need some time to lay back and relax. That's all. You've been working and stuff, I'm sure it's tiring. Tell you what...why don't you show me where everything is in your kitchen, and you just lay down and watch TV for a bit while I make us both some lunch? And then we can snuggle and watch a movie together or something. Just like before. You'll feel better once I..."

I stopped him there, and I said, "Jimmy...we should talk. Seriously."

Jimmy tried to hide his facial expression from me, but I saw his eyebrows and forehead wrinkle up immediately. Almost as if he were suddenly going to start crying right then and there. He recovered quickly, probably telling himself that he was making it all up in his head...but deep down, I think he knew. He could see it in my eyes.

Jimmy was like, "You know what? Lunch can wait. We can do that later if you want. Right now...you just look so yummy to me! Come on...make love to me. It's been days. We haven't had a chance to really be alone lately. That's probably my fault though. I should have been around more." Jimmy started walking back towards my bedroom, and I saw him taking his shirt off on the way. But I called out to him to get him to stop. He just said, "What? It's ok. I WANT to. I've been dreaming about kissing you since last Wednesday. And that's an ICE AGE compared to how often I want to cuddle with my favorite boy. Hehehe! I swear, I'm going to give it to you so HARD today! You're gonna love it!" Jimmy continued on into my room even with me calling him back to come talk to me. He was in such a rush, hoping to use sex as a distraction. But I wasn't falling for it. Sex and cuddling and a few lingering kisses isn't love. And love was what I needed now.

I could hear Jimmy taking his pants off, and I walked into my room to finally put an end to this weirdness.

I'm like, "Jimmy...seriously. Put your clothes back on..." He was already naked except for his socks, and he laid back on my bed, reaching for me to come and lay on top of him. He was so hard...throbbing and pulsing...the head of his erection glistening with the leaking nectar that practically begged for the opportunity to smear its sweetness across the surface of my warm lips. But I smothered my hormonal commands, and I found the strength to look away...and hand Jimmy his underwear back.

Jimmy was like, "Hehehe, what are you doing?"

I asked him, "Can we just 'talk' for a minute? Please?"

Now feeling even more terrified than ever, Jimmy took the underwear from my hand, but just put it on the bed beside him. I could hear the change in his breathing. I could see him shaking. Don't chicken out now, Billy. It'll only get infinitely worse if you let this go on for one more day.

Jimmy's eyes were already getting misty as his trembling voice asked me, "What's the matter? What's going on?"

Trying to get the words out was like trying to slowly 'push' my index finger through a brick wall.

But...at long last, I said, "I think...I think we should...maybe..." Ugh! No. This was coming out all wrong. How do people DO this???

Jimmy suddenly stood up, and with a few panted breaths he tried to walk over to me and kiss me. Touch me. Rub the front of my pants. Anything...ANYTHING...to keep me from finishing that sentence! I kept lightly pushing his hands away from me so I could concentrate, but he kept reaching regardless. He kept kissing me on the lips and I had to force him off of me. That's when the first few tears began to drip from his worried eyes.

He said, "No. Billy....no! We...we're happy, right? You and me. Me and you. We're SO happy together! Really! Let me show you. Here, let me prove it. Come here. Take me. I'm right here, Billy...just take me, ok?"

I lowered my head, and I whispered, "I'm sorry, Jimmy." He was stunned. Completely floored. And I watched as a flood of tears began to pour from his eyes in buckets before he even had a chance to fully understand what it was I was saying to him. Feeling a pinch of pain in my own heart, I said, "Jimmy...I'm SO sorry, ok? You...you mean soooo much to me! And I wish this could work out for the both of us, but...we both know that this...I mean...this just doesn't feel right. You know?"

Sniffling, Jimmy whimpered, "What are you talking about? What doesn't feel right? What?"

I wasn't sure how to phrase it, but I told him, "I just think that...maybe we're not...meant to be, you know?" It was lame. I know that. I don't have any real experience with this kind of thing. Even through the hard times I've been through in the past, I considered myself lucky for getting off as easy as I did. This time...that wasn't the case.

Jimmy attempted to wipe his eyes, and I saw his bottom lip quivering as he fought to speak in a normal tone of voice. He was like, "Ok. Ok, I get it. Maybe we need a break. You want your space...and I guess I've been a bit clingy lately. So...if you want me to back off for a few days, I can do that. Ok? I'll let you do your own thing for a while, and we can talk later. I'm totally cool with that."

It was almost like a 'Get Out Of Jail Free' card for me to have him say that. But deep down, I knew that it wasn't good enough. I was like, "No, Jimmy. It's not about me needing space or time to think. I just...I think we should just stop. Just...you know...stop."

Getting more hurt by the second, Jimmy began to stutter and beg, like, "No! No no no no no...Billy, wait! Wait! I mean, what did I do? Whatever I did, I'm SORRY, ok? I'm SO so sorry! I'll make it better! I'll fix it! Just tell me what I did! Talk to me, Billy! Please!"

I said, "You didn't do anything wrong, Jimmy..."

He's like, "I HAD to have done something wrong! What was it? Just tell me. I can take it. I'll do better, ok? I'll be better."

I said, "It's not like that, Jimmy. It's not anything that you did..."

But he continued to stammer frantically, saying, "Is it because I came to your house when your mom was home the other day? I'll NEVER do that again! Ok? Not ever! That was really fucked up of me, and I'm an asshole, and I should have called you first! I'm sorry!" I told him that it wasn't something as petty as that, but he just kept going. He was like, "Is it because I called you at work? I didn't mean to! I just thought you would have had your phone turned off for the day or something. I just...I wanted to hear your voice. That's all. I missed you. I LOVE you! Billy, please don't hurt me like this! Please, please, please! Don't do this! Whatever it is, just TELL me! Just say it out loud! I promise I'll fix it!!!" He cried. Then added, "Is it too much sex? Too little? I can fix that too. We can do other things together too! I swear! I'm sorry, Billy. Please don't break my heart, Billy! Please! You're more than just a really REALLY cute boy! You're like my best friend in the whole wide world! Please don't do this to me! If you take your love away from me, I'll go crazy, Billy! I'll seriously go insane without you. Please...stay with me. I love you. I love you SO much! Let me show you. I'll be a better boyfriend! I will! You'll see..."

Seeing him in so much pain got me a bit choked up myself, and I began to cry myself as I said, "We....we had a lot of fun together. And I really REALLY care about you, Jimmy. A lot! PLEASE, believe me! But...we're just not...it's not like we were really in love or anything..."

That's when he blurted out, "*I* was!!!" Yeah, that wasn't the best thing for me to say at that particular moment. He sobbed, "How can you do this to me? How can you treat me like this? I've loved you my whole fucking life. I don't understand this at all..." Then he glared at me for a moment and allowed himself to look at things as they really were. The fantasy was over. The illusion had officially been shattered. And Jimmy was beginning to see that he never really had my full attention in the first place. I think I was starting to see that too. Even while trying to make it work, something always kept me from taking that giant leap of faith. Not because Jimmy wasn't worth it, but because I was just unsure of what I wanted...until Brandon came back into my life.

It was at that moment that Jimmy's heart was torn in two, and he completely broke down on me.

He was like, "Oh no....oh God no...." He was crying uncontrollably, and found himself no longer able to stand on his own two feet. His weakened legs gave way, and Jimmy slid all the way down to my bedroom floor. And that's where he sat...naked and vulnerable...drawing his knees up to rest his elbows on them and lower his head to sob quietly into his folded arms. He looked so helpless. So distraught. And I never felt like more of a bastard than I did at that very moment.

Hoping to soften the blow (as if THAT was possible) I tried to put my hand out to help him up. But he didn't take it. He just said, "Are you serious, right now? Really? Get away from me." He slapped my hand away, like, "Don't touch me! Can you please not touch me right now? Please?" Jimmy was sniffling something awful, his eyes were bloodshot and his cheeks were puffy. I didn't know what to do other than stand there like an idiot for a minute or two in silence, and eventually I walked to my dresser to hand Jimmy a box of tissues. I was a little surprised that he took it, but he still hadn't bothered to look me in the eye yet. He asked, "Can you at least tell me what I did to make you hate me? Can you tell me at least that much?"

I'm like, "Dude...no way. I don't hate you, Jimmy. That's not what this is about at all."

He's like, "All I ever wanted to do was to make you happy, Billy. I don't get it. What more do you need from me? I was trying my hardest. But if you need me to work harder, then I'll work harder. Just...don't leave me here all alone. Please? I can't go back to being alone again. I don't know how. I don't have anything in my life that makes me happy. Just you. Without you, I've got nothing, Billy. Nothing."

Wiping a tear or two away from my eyes, I tried to sit next to him. But when I said, "Don't talk like that, Jimmy. You were amazing as a boyfriend. You really were." He quickly scooted away from me and started crying even harder than before. I'm like, "Jimmy...can we just...talk about this...?"

But he dried his eyes and stood up again. "I think you've said more than enough for today. I really do." He had gone from being weak with despair to being energized with rage in a matter of seconds. I could see it in his expression.

I told him, "Look...I really am sorry. Ok? I didn't mean for any of this to happen. I'd never do anything to hurt you like this. Not on purpose. You KNOW that I'd never do that to you."

Jimmy wasn't buying it. Not for a second. He snarled at me with, "You didn't mean for any of this to happen??? Is that what you just fucking said to me??? FUCK YOU, BILLY!!!" He angrily stomped over to my desk and just started grabbing stuff and throwing it all over my bedroom! All while screaming, "FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU!!! After EVERYTHING I did for you, you turn around and just toss me aside like yesterday's fucking GARBAGE??? Is THAT what I am to you, Billy??? GARBAGE??? Because you've got GARBAGE all over the place in here!!! Look! Here's some garbage! There's some MORE garbage! See it??? Do you SEE it?!?! You're holding on to THIS trash! Maybe you could find a reason to hold on to ME too! Ya think???" He was totally thrashing my room in a major tantrum, but I was too scared to try to restrain him at this point. He was overwhelmed with tears at this point, and his voice was so hoarse that he could barely speak. Soon, he was just spewing out curse words, one after the other, without making much sense at all.

I was worried that he was going to toss my computer off of my desk and break it into a million pieces. So I moved forward and tried to get him to stop.

But he screamed at the top of his lungs, "DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME!!!!! Don't you EVER fucking touch me again!!!!" So I backed off and put both of my hands up, letting him know that I wasn't going to do it anymore. God, my neighbors must think I'm up here killing somebody! Then...Jimmy's face suddenly showed a certain level of shock over what he had just done. He used his hands to cover his mouth, and his eyes conveyed a look of utter horror at the mess he had made. Suddenly, he held up a shaky hand and whimpered, "Omigod....Billy...I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Oh God, I'm sorry...." More tears slid down his swollen cheeks, and he kept apologizing as he bent over to start picking up all the stuff that he had just thrown down on the floor. In all the days that I've known Jimmy LaPlane...I don't think I've ever seen him so emotionally unstable before. He was all like, "Dude...honestly, I just...I'm really really sorry. I was hurt, ok? I was hurt, and I was angry...I didn't mean that. I didn't mean it. Any of it. I'm sorry. So so so so so sorry....." He was scampering around the room, picking up papers and books and the hellish debris that he had flung in every direction like an angry cyclone. But...I didn't need him to clean up. I just...didn't. His voice was shaking to the point where was getting harder to understand. If he shook any harder he'd probably make himself sick. He kept picking up stuff and saying, "I didn't mean it, Billy. Ok? See? I'm picking it up. I'm picking it all up. You...you can just watch TV or something, and I'll put everything back just the way I found it. I promise..."

A little worried about where this was going, I said, "Jimmy? I think that...maybe you should just go. Ok? I can pick this stuff up on my own."

Heartbroken beyond belief, Jimmy wailed, "Nooooo, I didn't MEAN it, Billy! I'm sorry! Look...we can talk. You said you wanted to talk, right? Can we talk? I'll be good. No more outbursts, I swear. Please...just...don't throw me out of your life. Come on, Billy...we can fix this. All of it. We can make it work. I know we can. Let's just talk about this..."

But...lowering my head, I just said, "Sorry, Jimmy. Maybe some other time. Ok? Right now...? I think we should call it a day." I was trying to be as nice and understanding as I possibly could. Why did it sound so cold to me when I heard it out loud?

Jimmy was crushed. Devasted beyond his ability to even fight back. And as his face scrunched up to unleash a fresh batch of self destructive tears...he quickly began to get dressed again. Humiliated for having taken his clothes off in the first place. He turned his back to me the entire time, and refused to even peek over his shoulder until it was time to leave my house. And with labored breath and teary eyes, he turned at my front door and asked, "Can I call you later? Can we...talk some more? I'll do anything you ask, Billy. Anything. Just give me a chance to make things right. Ok? Just ONE chance?"

I didn't make him any promises. It would have been a lie if I had. Instead, I just lowered my head again, and I said, "Goodbye, Jimmy. I'm really sorry. Ok?" And he started sobbing all over again, but this time he was quick to walk out of the front door to keep me from seeing him lose it.

Do I feel like the most despicable person on Earth right now for doing that to him? Yes. Yes, I do. Jimmy was someone that I truly cherished with my whole heart. Just...not in the way that he wanted me to. Breaking his heart wasn't something that I took any pride in. Not at all. It was simply something that I had to do...for the both of us.

Tonight, I got an answer back from Brandon.

Thinking about it now, I feel kinda guilty just looking at the message he left for me. But...it made my heart skip a beat regardless.

It said, "Wow...you're not going to believe this, but I was thinking about you too! Probably just three minutes before you sent me this!" And then, what made me sigh out loud, was having him add, "I really miss you too, Billy. We should make some time to go out again. You know...just to get reacquainted with each other? What do you say?"

I should have answered him right away. I should have made plans. But something made me hold back on that for a bit. I don't know...I just felt bad about it. It was never my plan to dismiss Jimmy's feelings for me and just randomly go chasing after somebody else...but, if I had to be honest, that's exactly what I'm doing. Isn't it? I don't know. I can't tell if I feel bad because I actually feel bad, or if it's just because I think that I should feel bad. Either way, I had to work tomorrow, and...well...I was sort of worried about Jimmy and what he might do if he takes our break up a lot harder than I was expecting him to. My stomach was so jittery and queasy over it all. And yet, I didn't have the stones to call him up to make sure that he was alright. He'd probably hang up in my face if he saw my name pop up. I might even end up making things worse by reminding him of what I had done.

Distance. That's what we need, right? More distance.

At least for now.

Jimmy is totally gonna loathe me from this day forward, isn't he? Heck...Jimmy's MOM is gonna hate me too! She saw me walk into that hospital while Jimmy was recovering. She knew how he felt about me. Now...I'm just the little boy who broke her son's heart and left him for dead while I went back to my own life without looking back.

I mean, I did the right thing, didn't I?

God, this sucks...

I saved Brandon's message. I save everything I get from Brandon. Hehehe, again, just another weird habit of mine, I guess.

But I still feel rotten inside. I still wish that I had a way to find out if Jimmy's ok. And that he didn't do something...'irrational'.

I guess only time will tell. If Jimmy needs me (as a friend), I'll be there.

Then again...after the way I treated him...are we really even 'friends' anymore? That's the million dollar question, isn't it?

Going to bed now. Gotta get up early.

Later...

- Billy (The Total F'n ASSHOLE!!!!)

I HATE being a monster. Even when I know it's necessary. It just makes it so hard to sleep at night sometimes...