Death is Not an Option - 25. Chapter 25

Every time Isaac has a fit it scares the bejeezus out o’me and afterwards he is so... so confused and so vulnerable I just want ter... I want ter... When I promised that woman I would take care of him I meant it more than I have ever meant anything in me life. Sure I can see exactly what she means. He is special, like no one else I have ever met. I’m stunned by him, so I am, blown away.

It’s not that I don’t mean to care for him... I mean how could I help it? He needs it... he deserves it... feck I WANT to do it but... I can’t stay here... and if he won’t come home wid me... what the feck am I goin’ ter do?

Isaac doesn’t eat much. I try me best but he’s in a world of his own, so he is. He seems barely aware of what’s going on around him and it scares me. He’s been withdrawing all day and I don’t know what to do to bring him back. He just sits and stares into the fire... and he’s so cold. Is this how it’s supposed to be?

“Hey babe. I don’t think it’s a good idea to brood right now. You’ve had plenty to think about and plenty o’time ter do it. Come on... you bin tellin’ me about all dese places you want to show me... so show me.”

Isaac looks up and me and his eyes are blank for a moment then he blinks and smiles slowly. “You want me to show you my places.”

“Maybe when we get there.” I grin and he takes a while to catch up den grins too, life coming back into his eyes, bringing warmth to me heart.

Isaac takes me hand and half drags me from de house. Dere are people milling about outside and dey all look at us... at him. He doesn’t seem to be aware o’dem at all. After getting coat out of the car... which I can’t help but worry about slightly, as it is still a very warm afternoon, he leads me purposefully away from the village and everyone in it.

It’s as if dey know that he wants to be alone. Even Ruth and Jacob keep their distance although they look after us with something like longing in their eyes. I suppose they know him... no not suppose... they know him far better than I do... maybe better than I ever will. It makes me sad to think that but I have to face the fact that after I go back... when I leave... I may not be coming back... he may not want me to.

A man like dis... like Isaac... he’s made to be loved... to be taken care of. When I leave him... when I go back... there will be others to take me place... others who would give themselves to him body an’ soul at a glance from dose eyes. Dere will be others... many others and when I am far away... I have to stop thinking like dat... at least now... while we are together. Make de most of it... yeah?

Suddenly Isaac seems to have come awake. He is strong and purposeful and it is difficult for me to keep up with him. I hadn’t realised I was so out of condition... or dat he was so strong. But he isn’t... not really. I can see he’s struggling too... only he is trying so hard not to show it. He is so beautiful, like a primal energy, a bolt of lightening or roll of thunder bursting from the clouds and almost brining me to me knees just at the sight of him.

I don’t have much time to take in the scenery and other than knowing we are walking through thick old forest on ground that is steeply rising I have no idea where we are or where we are going.

“Slow down me darlin’. It must be all those fags... I can’t keep up wid yer.”

Isaac turns and laughs at me, although I can see from the strain and the sheen of sweat on his face that he is as glad as I am for the opportunity to rest.

“Where are yer taking me?”

“To my favourite place in the whole world. This is where I used to go when I needed to be alone, needed to think, to be reminded what a wonderful place the world really is.”

“Sounds good, so it does.”

“Yes it is good... you’ll see.”

“How much further.”

“God you’re a pussy. Come on... not far.”

He grabs me hand again and drags me on thro’ de trees. I am so out of breath I hardly notice when the trees aren’t dere any more and I almost run into him when he stops.

“Look.” He spins around in a circle with his arms outstretched and for a moment all I can look at is him. Now more than ever he looks primal, a force of nature, in his element. He laughs at me and suddenly, unexpectedly pulls me into an embrace and kisses me fiercely. He takes me breath away so he does, not that there was much there to begin with.

Gradually the kiss changes, from hard and desperate, hungry for something more than just physical gratification, into something deeper, sweeter and I melt. I have never done that before and it feels... good. Sure and haven’t I heard that before... melting into someone’s arms... and haven’t I laughed at the image it conjures but honest to God that’s what happens. It’s as if all me bones turn to marshmallow and I flow against him, moulding my body to his, losing meself in the embrace, the kiss.

I hadn’t realised how desperate I was meself until I was here, wid him in me arms, breathing his scent, me heart beating against his, his hands tangled in me hair, his tongue dancing over me lips, teasing me, tantalising me, waking parts of me that feel like they have been dead until now. I can barely catch me breath and I feel dizzy, like a silly schoolgirl with her first crush.

Is dis what love is? To lose yerself so completely in another person that it’s hard to know where you end and they begin so that when they pull back it feels like a part of you is being torn away? Is this love... to feel the space between you, although only inches, as a chasm, a pit of darkness that can only be crossed by a whisper, a breath, a sigh?

“Look.”

He sounds as breathless and dizzy as I feel and I only want to look at him... but he sounds so sincere, so earnest... so I look.

“Wow.” We are on the top of a mountain... well a hill... only a hill really, not a mountain, not like we have in Ireland, but the land around is so flat that it gives us a clear view over miles of it. Fields of growing corn, bright yellow rape, waving grasses, marshland with pools glistening like tears in the fading sunlight. Birds sing in the trees paying homage to the dying sun and the air is thick with the scent of pine. It is beautiful, so still and calm and peaceful... just beautiful... but still not as beautiful as Isaac.

“It’s beautiful me darlin’... just beautiful and I can see why you love dis place. I feels like there is no living soul within miles.”

“There isn’t... at least not apart from the community and none of them come up here.”

“Why not?”

“We weren’t allowed... not even me. We are supposed to stay within the confines of the community because it isn’t safe in the big wide world. Caleb’s idea was that he took on the responsibility for the stresses and strains of living in the world today and in return we don’t try to live in any part of it except the community.”

“So you were all prisoners here?”

He looks at me thoughtfully. “Not prisoners... not exactly... at least... we could leave, there wasn’t any explicit rule about it... it’s just that everyone knew that it was what Caleb wanted, what he decreed I suppose and no one went against him, ever.”

“Apart from you.”

“Yeah... I was always the rebel... sneaking away... wanting to be on my own, to get away. It was stifling here... every minute of every day filled by something... something laid down by someone else. Sometimes I felt that I couldn’t breathe, that I just couldn’t stand it any more. At those times I would come up here and breathe in the fresh air, the peace, the solitude and it would... I don’t know... poetically speaking I supposed it quieted my soul and gave me the strength to go back for a while longer.”

Wandering across the clearing he sits down on a fallen log, taking off his coat and tossing it casually over a boulder close by. “I brought Ruth up here sometimes but she never felt the peace, not really. She was always on edge... aware that we were breaking ruled. She did it for me and not because she wanted to for her and so it never worked for her, not truly. That’s sad. Maybe now...”

“I suppose everything is different now.”

“It feels the same.”

“Is it as hard as you thought it would be?”

“In some ways harder. I thought it would be different. I thought it would feel different. I don’t really know what I thought but I didn’t expect it to be so much the same. It feels as though I have not been away and that’s... hard.”

Crouching down behind him I put me arms around him and he leaned his head back on my shoulder. Looking down into his beautiful face I want to hold him so hard and for so long... I close me eyes and soak in the peace, the perfume of his hair, the pure pleasure of having him in me arms.

“Connor...”

His voice sounds... wistful... sad and I know why. I don’t want him to speak any more. I don’t want to hear his pain to know how much he is hurting.

“It’s alright babe. Just... savour the moment. Live in it... make the most of it. Don’t think about tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow?” He sounds worried and it makes me smile.

“Not literally me darlin’. Tomorrow will be a good day, a day when we are together and everything will be calm and there won’t be anything to worry about, nothing to be afraid of. Tomorrow will be just me and you.”

“And then? After tomorrow..?”

“We’ll deal with that when it comes.”

“You mean when you go home.”

“Isaac don’t... not now. Don’t spoil now.”

“Connor... I don’t know if I can do this.”

“Do what?”

“I can’t invest any more of myself in you. I can’t let myself fall any deeper. I can’t... I can’t bear the thought of you leaving, even now. If I let myself love you more then I... I don’t think that I could do it.”

“You don’t have ter do it Isaac. We don’t have to part. Come wid me. Oh you’d love Ireland... and she would love you, so She would. If you think this is beautiful wait until you see the mountains of Mourne. Dey’re so high you can see the top o’dem brushing de sky... and the lochs... so deep dere’s no bottom, so clear dey reflect de mountains back at yer so it looks like dere is a whole other world under de water.

“De sky is so blue and de trees so green. It’s beautiful so it is... so beautiful Isaac and it would be so much more beautiful if you were there for me to show it to yer. Please...” Suddenly I am desperate. I can't bear the thought of losing him and I can’t bear the thought of losing Her. I am caught in the middle and there is nowhere to go.

“I can’t Connor.” He says softly, so quietly I can barely hear him. “I can't. Please don’t ask me to, not now.”

“But when if not now, when we are closer dan I have ever been wid anyone? I love yer Isaac, I love yer more that I can even begin to say and it grows stronger every day. I don’t want to leave yer. It’s tearing out me heart so it is and I just can’t bear it. I don’t want to lose yer. Why won’t yer come back wid me? Would it be so terrible fer ye? You’ve got no roots here after all.”

“You’re wrong Connor.” Again he speaks so quietly it’s hard to hear and I lean closer. “I thought I didn’t have roots but that was before. I have a family now Connor. I have a brother and sister, aunts, uncles, cousins.”

“You have dose in Ireland too.”

“I know but...” He sighs deeply. “I never realised it until today but I still have the community too. They need me. They can’t do this on their own. Did you see how lost they were today? Caleb was right about one thing... they can’t deal with the outside world on their own. They need someone to help them.

“Oh... I couldn’t live here any more... I’m too big for it now. I’ve been through too much to be able to come back and live here, to fit into its confines any more. But they need me nevertheless. I can help them without living here. I can still do the books and deal with the outside world. I can be on the end of the phone. I have family and friends. I can’t... I can’t walk away from that, not now.”

“You don’t owe them anything Isaac, not a damned thing.”

“It’s not about owing anyone anything. It’s about wanting to give. The community is in the past... but it’s my past. I can’t Connor... I can’t turn my back on it, not any more, not now when they need me so much.”

“They don’t need it... they have Gwen.”

“Gwen is a good woman, a wonderful woman but she doesn’t understand the community, their needs, not like I do... besides it’s not just this... it’s Jon and Sean and about discovering myself, who I am... who I really am. I’m just not ready. I’m not strong enough, not secure enough... I’m not ready Connor... not yet.”

“Not yet? Do yer think... do yer think that if I go... that if yer let me go I will come back. You know that’s not likely Isaac.”

“What?” He turned, twisting his body to look up and me and I almost fall over. I feel angry and sad and all churned up inside. The look in his eyes was sad and hurt and it made me angry. I always feel angry when I hurt and when I have hurt someone else. It makes me feel... helpless and I hate that over everything. When I feel helpless I hit out and I can’t help meself.

“Why? Why wouldn’t you come back? Ireland’s not that far away... only a ferry ride. We can visit... we can see each other whenever we can. Until... until we can make plans... please Connor...”

“I’m sorry Isaac, I truly am but... when I get home... I won’t be coming back.”

“But why?”

“Because... because to say goodbye to yer... it would tear me heart out Isaac and I don’t have yer... yer... I don’t have it in me to do dat more than once. I couldn’t cope wid the separation over and over... coming to terms wid being apart from yer and den seeing yer again and going through it over and over. I’m not strong enough for that.

“And when I get back dere’s all the shit waitin’ fer me. I can’t just walk away from dat. I’ll probably end up in jail so I will... I have ter take me anger out on something.”

“Why? Why do you have to take your anger out on anything? Why does there have to be anger?”

“Because dat’s the way I am Isaac. I have never made a secret of that. I’m no saint. I’m not like you.”

“No... not like me at all. You’re selfish Connor. You’re more selfish than anyone I have ever met. It has to be your way or not at all, and I don’t understand why. Alright the situation isn't perfect but I don’t understand why it has to be all or nothing. I don’t understand why we can't be together and apart. We can see each other fairly regularly here and there and we can have it all. But no... that’s not enough for you... you want me to give it all up for you... and I can't do that.”

“Selfish? You call me selfish? You’re the selfish one... expecting me to drop everything... to give up me home... me motherland... me soul. To leave it all behind, tear up me roots and leave it all behind... when you have no roots, you have nothing to leave.”

Shite I am a fool. I could have kicked meself the minute the words were out o’me mouth. Isaax starts as if I had hit him... fuck I had hit him, I hit him with me words. The pain in his eyes was so raw, so desperate that it makes me angry, furious... wid meself, wid the situation... even wid him. And I do what I am so good at... I fuck it up.

“Why are ye doin this? I can’t be in a relationship wid someone who is not living in the same country. I can be over dere thinking of you over here and stealing a week here and dere to be wid yer. I can't put me life on hold whenever you want to come over. I can’t drop everything to come here when you need me. I want ter look after yer, to take care o’yer and I can’t do that if I am not here. It wouldn’t work and it would be better to have a clean break than that.”

“Don’t make me choose Connor. Don’t make me choose between my home and family and you.” His voice, while stills soft, is dangerous now.

“Why not? Isn’t that what you are doing to me?”

Isaac winces and looks away. In that moment I want to reach out to him, to hold him but me fat head is stoppin’ me... me pride... me stubbornness. Never has it caused me so much pain, so much harm.

Suddenly I feel cold... cold to the heart of me and I shiver. Automatically Isaac reaches out and tosses me his coat. For a moment I just look at it, then I take it and stand up to put it on. The sun is sinking fast now, already dying the horizon a deep burning orange. The moon is rising and it is red.

I walk to the edge of the clearing and look out over the fields, to the horizon, towards the setting sun. Somewhere out there, over the fields, across the sea... somewhere there is Ireland and She is calling me.

“I can’t stay here Isaac. I can’t stay. And I can’t ... I can’t...”

“If that’s how you feel, and there’s nothing I can do to change your mind then... then I suppose there isn’t really much more I can say. I can't leave now. I’m not strong enough... I’m not... not ready for it.”

I turn around and there is hope and desperation battling within me. “I can be strong for you Isaac. I can be everything you need. I can take care of yer I swear I can.”

“But I don’t want you to. I don’t want anyone to take care of me. I want to take care of myself. I want to get on my feet and be strong again. I want to be free of this... weakness, this... I can’t Connor... I can’t leave. I want a home so badly and I am so close to it... I don’t want to lose you... oh god you will never know how much it hurts just to think about that but... I can’t do it... I just can’t. Please don’t ask me to... don’t force this on me. Don't make me choose.”

“But ye have to. Can’t you see that? You can’t have it both ways. You want a home so much... why can't you understand how much mine means to me?”

“I do...” he says flatly. “I do understand. But you’re strong Connor... you have that strength inside you. You home is a... a safe place for you, somewhere you can always go back to, somewhere that defines you, that anchors you. I don’t have that. I don’t have an anchor and if I leave now I will be like a leaf blowing in the breeze and I am afraid. I am not strong like you, not yet. I can’t just... I can’t...”

For a long time he looks at me and the pain in his eyes twists me until I can barely see his face through the tears I am holding back. In the end he shakes his head and turns away.

“I’m sorry Connor... truly I am... I am so sorry.”

I know what he means and it is like a knife through me heart. Before I know what I am doing I turn and run. I fall over roots and run into branches. I have only the vaguest idea where I am going. I hear Isaac’s call behind me but I ignore him and just run faster. Typical Connor I think to meself... running away again. It’s what I do, what I know. I have been doing it fer so long I don’t know how to do anything else.

Forgetting how steep the mountainside is I find meself running faster and faster, leaping rocks and roots, ducking under branches, out of control... as always.

When I get to the bottom I slow a little and am just walking by the time I get to the edge of the community. There is a large building that looks like a barn and I pause in it’s lee to compose myself. Taking a deep breath I try to calm down, to get some perspective but there isn’t any to be had. My heart is hammering so much it is all I can hear...

I am such a fool... to drop me guards like this. Connor O’Donnell is a fighter and a fighter knows that you never let down yer guard, not for a minute, ever. Not even when you think yer safe. If ye let down ye’r guard you become vulnerable to anything that comes and right now I am as unguarded as I have ever been... and that’s why I never saw trouble comin’ until it was right in me face.

The first I know of de trouble is when the arm comes round me from behind and pulls me back hard against a body behind me. The body is strong and big and unyielding but that wouldn’t have worried me... oh no... I would have fought that... it wasn’t even the second figure who emerged from the shadows in front o’me and grabs the front o’ me coat... I could ha’ taken de two o’dem... but I couldn’t fight the slim cylinder of metal that was pressing against the back o’me neck. I’ve been around guns long enough to know that if I struggled there was a good chance the gun was going ter go off and if it did I was gonna be in real trouble.

And so... cursing meself for bein’ such a fool I froze and glared at the man in front o’me trying wid all me might to put the fear of god into him wid me eyes alone. I failed because he smiled, and even laughed softly, then he put his face close to mine, so close I could smell the stale tobacco and alcohol.

“Good evening Isaac. Where were you going in such a rush? Had a lover’s tiff with that boyfriend of yours did you?”

Isaac? Dey thought I was Isaac. I curse silently to myself. Of course... I have his coat on... the coat he was wearing when we left. We are both tall, roughly the same build with dark hair and I am wearing his coat. It would be easy for anyone who doesn’t know Isaac well to make the mistake, especially in this dim twilight. Of course as soon as I open me mouth.... no I mustn’t do that. If I do that they will know I am not Isaac, and if they know that they will go after him... the will hurt Isaac... but if I say nothing they will hurt me... there really isn’t much to think about. Clamping my lips closed I glare again.

“You really should be more careful you know. You need to keep your eyes open in the dark or you could walk into something dangerous... like a hole, or a tree... or us.”

As he says ‘us’ he hits me. Bastard. It wasn't that I wasn’t expecting it but it is a good un, so it is. It catches me right under the solar plexus and drives all the air out of my lungs. Me head spins and I fall to me knees gasping. Not that I care much at this point but the man who had been behind me steps to the side and points the gun at me head.

Just when I am getting me breath back and gathering meself for what is coming next, beginning to wonder how far I can get if I just get to me feet running someone grabs me arms and drags me upright. Fuck... there are three of them... and they are good... very good. The man mountain behind me is holding me so I can’t move at all.

“I’m sure you’re wondering why we have gone to all this trouble to welcome you back Isaac.” He steps in close to me and peers into me face. He is a typical good, inflated with his own self importance, thinking that he is going to make me pee me pants just by narrowing his eyes at me. I meet his stare coolly. I have met his like before... plenty of times. Clearly they are going ter rough me over and just as clearly there is not a hell of a lot I can do about it so... it’s best just to face up ter it and take me medicine like a big boy. But I am going ter remember that face and one day... one day...

The man reaches out and takes hold of me chin, tilting my head back. “Hmm... I wasn’t expecting someone so... pretty. Maybe I will get the boys to stay away from your face. It would be a shame to mar that perfection. Although... perhaps it would be fun at that... give you a bit of character. From what I hear you don’t have too much of that pretty boy.”

I was expecting the slap and wasn’t disappointed. He is not a large man, a good four inches shorter than me, and slight... but he is strong... stronger than he looks and the blow snaps me head sideways and brings the taste of blood to me mouth. Raising me head I slowly lick the blood off me lip, probing the split with me tongue and I smile at him. That disconcerts him... it always does. I can see his mind working. He has been told to expect Isaac and he clearly knows quite a bit about him... he is about to get a surprise.

“Hmm... you’re tougher that I thought. Good. That will make this all the more fun. Caleb will be pleased.”

Caleb? Hah... I should have known.

“Oh yes...” The man touches a finger to the cut on my lip and smears blood over the rest of my mouth. “This little surprise is all courtesy of your beloved leader. Caleb wanted me to make sure I let you know that he misses you and he wanted to give you something to remind you of him.” I let him carry on until my lips were completely covered in blood then I open my mouth and bite him, hard. With a curse he draws back holding his finger and glares at me while I slowly lick my lips clean. The man narrows his eyes.

“I have to admit that Caleb was somewhat tawdry in his description of you. We were led to believe that you were a sweet little pussy... you have more backbone than I was expecting.” He grins broadly. “But that just means we are going to have so much more fun.”

He hits me in the stomach again but this time I can’t fall because I am being held too tightly. Panting I get meslef back on me feet as quickly as I can and glare at him again.

“Aren’t you going to speak to me at all Isaac? Aren’t you going to ask me to stop, to go easy on you? Aren’t you going to tell me that I won’t get away with this?” I smile and shake me head. He looks disappointed. “What... nothing at all? Not a word?”

Too fucking right not a word. If they find out they have the wrong guy they are going to drop me and go after Isaac... out there in the dark he’s all alone and vulnerable. The thought of him going through dis was unbearable. I have been worked over before and here, this close to people, no matter what they said they are not going to drag it out because there will be too much chance of being discovered. They’ll get down to it soon. Get it done and get out before there is a chance of anyone hearing.

True to form the man in front o’me gets a lot more businesslike. “Right... enough fooling around... let’s get down to business. The bottom line is that Caleb wants us to deliver a message to you... a lesson, if you like, one you should have learned a long time a go. Be a good boy, stay quiet and take it like a man and you might just walk away from this... eventually. Make a sound, one single sound or try to run or fight back and my friend will put a bullet in your brain. Be warned...he has a very itchy trigger finger.”

I just kee looking at him and smilin’. I watch him get spooked just like I knew he would, just like they always do when I do that. They’re used to struggling and squealing and begging... and they weren’t getting any of that from me.

When he starts really laying into me I just let him. I take it right up to the point when I feel me ribs snap. The pain is indescribable and it occurred to me that he might not have been honest when he talked about walking away. I remember what Isaac told me about Caleb, about what he had tried to do to him. It occurs to me to wonder what is this lesson Isaac was supposed to have learned?

My strength is failing. It hurts to breathe so I don’t, at least not any more than I have to and that makes me head spin. I am pretty much hanging in the arms of the goon behind me and if it hadn’t been for his strength I would have been on the floor by now.

I am only distantly aware of what is going on outside my own circle of pain but I hear the shout because I know who it is. Oh Gods no... Isaac is going to run straight into dis and dey are going ter kill him.

Where I get the strength I have no idea but suddenly I am free. My arms and shoulders are an agony of fire where I have wrenched them out of the grip of my captor. Suddenly everything slows down and seems to move in slow motion. I kick out at the small man and, mainly by accident I have to admit, my foot connects with his kneecap and he drops like a stone. At the same time I see the man with the gun begin to turn towards the sound of the shout and raise his gun. No way... no fucking way am I going to let that bastard shoot Isaac.

Launching meself at him I connect with his waist and he falls. The gun goes off and the sound seems to echo around in the stillness. Someone will hear. Someone will come soon. I feel meself lifted from behind and I struggle with all me strength and manage to break free. I twist around and headbutt him in the face hearing a satisfying crunch as my forehead connects with his nose. The man flies backwards spraying blood and I kick him in de balls just to make sure he isn’t getting up any time soon.

By now de small man is back on his feet and trying to hobble away, dragging one leg. I go after him because I really don’t want any of dem getting away but before I reach him dere is a bang and something hits me in the back. I t’ink it is de other man tackling me and twist to face him but he isn’t dere. There is no one dere. What the fuck.

I try to get up but I can’t. I don’t know why I can’t but... There is the sound of running feet and someone flies past me. I try to turn me head to look but I can’t do that either. Everything is slowing down and I am so confused. What’s happening to me? My mind seems to be slowing down and nothing makes sense. There are too many people around, voices shouting and I can’t understand any of it. Shit I must have been done over worse dan I thought.

I hear a voice calling me name... Isaac. Shit... are dose men still here...? Fuck one o’dem has a gun. “No Isaac... no stay... stay away.” Fuck... is dat me voice... it sounds... I try to get up again but de pain comes and stops me dead in me tracks. Where did dat pain come from...is it me ribs? Experimentally I try to lift me arm but de pain in me shoulder is unbearable. Den I look down and see de blood. Fuck... Fucking shit...shit... shit... de bastard shot me.

Shock floods me and waves of darkness wash over me. “Isaac... stay... away.”