Death is Not an Option - 10. Chapter 10

I could barely believe it when I came on shift and found out what Isaac had been up to. I would have put money on him being so deep in a coma by now that there would be no going back. I even tried to prepare Ruth for it last night. I was sure that we would lose him today. But... I should have know better. It’s always the ones we think we know that surprise us.

I have to say that, looking at his stats I find it hard to believe that he was capable of coming out of sedation. He’s still unstable and it’s been four hours since his... episode. I must admit that they are more stable than they were. His heart is getting stronger, that’s good, very good but.... other things are not keeping up. His blood oxygen saturation is all over the place, up and down like a yoyo, needing constant monitoring and adjustment. His blood pressure is low and not rising, his body temperature fluctuates and he’s still having mini seizures, even under sedation.

What I am most afraid of is that he will survive, that he will come out of the drugs with his heart strong and his mind chewed to pieces. I haven’t know him very long but even so I have tasted his spirit and it is wild and free... that’s why he struggled so much to cope with imprisonment and abandonment. He is sweet and kind and beautiful and so full of life that he really does not deserve to spend the rest of it dependent on others, unable to be independent, unable to be himself.

I stare at him, thinking that I have never seen anyone, at least not in real life so to speak who is so flawlessly beautiful and yet... there is a strange kind of innocence about him, not so much that he is unaware of how beautiful he is but that he doesn’t care. It isn’t something that defines him and that makes him even more beautiful. That beauty is delicate, he looks fragile, even though he is not small, over six feet tall, but he isn’t... there is nothing fragile about him at all.

Maybe that is my mistake. Maybe I am guilty of underestimating him. He is clearly not as fragile as he looks, he is clearly stronger than I had first thought, stronger than any of us had expected. He is a fighter, I have always known that. I wonder if that will be enough. I know it will be enough to get him back to consciousness but will it be enough to cope with what consciousness brings.

If he has brain damage then he will cope...if it leaves him with physical problems that he can fight against. If it leaves him with something that limits him, that he can’t fight against.... all it will bring is frustration and pain. He will slowly fade. His beauty will mean that others will still relate to him and will help him all his life. That beauty will never fade because it comes from within and always will, but he will fade, he will diminish and, whilst he may not be dead he will wish he was and so will everyone who loves him.

If only we could know, right here and now. If we could know now how he will come out of this then I would rather just let him go. Unconsciously I brush his cheek with my fingers, it is soft and warm. He really is as close to perfect as I have ever seen, no wonder Ruth is so much in love with him. I am sure that he would be very easy to love, very easy indeed. And when you love someone it is easy to want to hold on to them, no matter what.... but isn’t the test of true love when we are prepared to let go?

Ruth is staring at me. I wonder if she knows what I am thinking. I hope not. She is hopeful again. I can tell by the way she is looking at him. Who am I to disillusion her when she could well be right?

I smile at her. To me it feels hollow I hope that is not the way it comes across. I don’t want to hurt her. I don’t want to hurt any of them. There’s enough hurt, enough pain.

“Is everything alright?”

“Everything’s fine.”

“When will the doctor come?”

“Soon.”

“Do you think Zac is stable enough...?”

“No. But I’m not the doctor. Dr Marsden is more prepared to take risks than I am.”

“Take risks? He would take risks with Zac’s life? I’m not sure.... I...”

“Don't worry. I didn’t mean that he would gamble with Isaac’s life. He won’t do anything that puts him at risk.”

“Are you sure?”

“I am absolutely sure.”

“Okay.” She trusts me absolutely. I feel uncomfortable about that. It’s my job isn’t it? To instil trust? In this case it feels dishonest. I’m still not convinced that Isaac is going to make it.

Dr Marsden, as expected, doesn’t bat an eyelid that Isaac’s stats remain unstable. “His heart’s strong and that’s the main thing. Until he can tell us what’s going on with him we can't be sure we’re treating the right things. I want him awake and talking at the earliest opportunity.”

“Whatever you say Doctor.” He doesn’t catch the hint of doubt and if he does he ignores it. Ruth catches it though and she is unhappy about the whole thing. That doesn’t phase Marsden either; he just has her and Jacob removed from the room. It must be good to be so sure you’re right.

When we are alone Marsden, uncharacteristically, pauses looking down at Isaac.

“You think I’m wrong.”

“I think perhaps it would be wiser to wait until he is more stable.”

“It’s been almost forty eight hours. Do you think he is going to get more stable?”

“No, I don’t.”

“Then what, precisely, would we be waiting for?”

“If he isn’t going to stabilise then eventually he will deteriorate. Then at least we can let him go gently.”

“So you want us to wait for him to die rather than provoke it. Is that what you are saying?”

“In a way I suppose so.”

“And what if he doesn’t die? What if he comes through?”

“Maybe that would be even worse.”

“Ah. You are afraid that the instability is caused by damage to his brain and that if we save him he will end up crippled or mentally impaired.”

“Yes.”

“And so you think that, rather than risk the possibility of brain impairment we should just let him die now?”

“No, that’s not what I meant... it’s not.... I... yes, I suppose when you put it like that....”

“Are you ready to try and save his life now, rather that sit and watch it slip away?”

“Yes Doctor, I’m sorry Doctor.”

“Don’t be sorry for caring, just don’t care too much, it gets in the way.”

Doctor Marsden disconnects the ventilator from the breathing tube. For a long, long moment nothing happens. Isaac is as immobile and lifeless as a marble statue and I am on the point of moving forward to reconnect the machine when Dr Marsden puts out his arm blocking my way and, in almost the same moment Isaac takes a deep breath. He coughs weakly and his breath rattles.

“Get some suction in here nurse please.”

Sometimes the breathing tube gets blocked with mucous when the force of air from the machine stops going through it. I insert the suction tube and Isaac starts breathing more naturally.

Dr Marsden is watching the monitors and waits for a few minutes while the readings get erratic and then settle down.

“Okay, he seems to be holding his own, let get this done so he can get some rest.”

Isaac coughs and retches as Dr Marsden slides the tube out of his throat. He carries on coughing and I can see this worries the great doctor a little, but slowly he settles down and falls into a steady, even pattern of breathing. I didn’t realise I was holding my own breath until my chest starts to burn and I let it out in a rush. Dr Marsden glances at me and smiles.

“Do you still think we should have waited?”

“He’s not awake yet.”

“No, but I am inclined to hasten that a little.”

“I thought you were going to wait until the morning, let him rest tonight?”

“I was but he came through that much better than I thought he would and I think, perhaps we might bring him back sooner rather than later so he can tell us what’s going on.”

“I'm not sure about this.”

“If we only did what we were sure about then we would lose a lot more patients. We have to take risks sometimes, to get the best results we can for them.”

“I know that but I am uneasy about taking risks with a life like this.”

“Are you sure?”

“What do you mean?”

“Are you sure that’s what you’re uneasy about?”

“Yes, what else?”

“Are you afraid to know? Afraid of what we might find?”

“Yeah. That too.”

“Whatever it is, it will be the same this afternoon or tomorrow morning. If we wake him up today then we have perfect timing to talk to him, assess him and let him have a natural night sleep. Then everything will look better in the morning.”

“Maybe.”

I know that he is not going to listen to me. Marsden doesn’t listen to anyone. No, that’s not true... he does listen, to be fair to him he does listen, and then he does exactly what he pleases and that counts for those who are senior to him as well as those who are his junior. He is already adjusting the IV pump. “Get me 50cc Naxolone.”

“Are you sure? Wouldn’t it be better to just let him wake up naturally?”

“Possibly but I have plans for this evening. I want to speak to him before I go.”

“You’re going to wake him up prematurely because you’re going out tonight?”

“It isn’t going to do him any harm Katie and even Doctors as old as I am are entitled to some social life.”

“I know but....”

“Just do your job Nurse Baker.”

“Yessir.”

I don’t feel right about this. I don’t feel right about it at all but he is the doctor after all. Ruth and Jacob look up when I walk out the door their faces anxious, their eyes expectant. I smile at them, it doesn’t reach my eyes.

“It’s going well. The doctor thinks it would be best for Isaac to wake up tonight so that he has the chance of a night of natural sleep.”

“Wake up. Isaac is going to wake up? Now?”

“Hopefully, yes.”

“Can I.... can I be there?”

“I don’t see why not. I’ll have a word with the doctor when I go back in.”

“Where are you going?”

“I’ll be back in a moment. Be patient Ruth.”

True to form Isaac is already fighting to surface when I get back. I can see now why Marsden wants to bring him all the way up. Isaac being Isaac would not have had a peaceful night even if he had not started to lighten the sedation. I hand him two syringes, one which holds the drug and the other a saline solution to help push it through the line.

“Ruth wants to be here when he wakes up.”

“I don’t see any reason why not. It will steady him. Does she know there is a possibility he may not be as he was?”

“Yes.”

“Do you think she will cope well if the worst happens? The last thing I want is a hysterical woman.”

“Cope well? No, I don’t think she would cope well... he’s the love of her life. But she would cope. She wouldn’t get in the way.”

“Then give her a shout. It won’t be long he’s already responding.”

Ruth’s eyes light up when I put my head around the door and call her in. Jacob comes too of course, I would not have dreamed of trying to keep them apart.

Isaac is shivering as though he is very cold. I know that is not the case... he is simply fighting, struggling to shake off the effects of the drugs. His system is full of them... drugs to put him to sleep, drugs to wake him up... and that’s without the poison.

I motion Ruth over to stand at the side of the bed. It is only fitting that she should be the first thing he sees, if he sees her, if he recognises her. Marsden is calling his name and he is responding to it. That’s a good sign.... isn’t it?

“Isaac. Isaac, come on son, open your eyes. I know you can hear me. I know you can do it. Open your eyes.”

Isaac is shaking, straining. His head is moving jerkily. I had forgotten about the danger of seizures but that isn’t what’s happening now. He’s coming up fast. I should have expected it. This is Isaac after all.

His eyes are moving rapidly although still closed and when Marsden calls him again he turns his head towards him.

“Come on Isaac. You can do it. Open your eyes. I know you can hear me.”

Isaac moans, a long low moan and his face twists with pain. Ruth takes his hand and lifts it to her lips. I can see it shaking and so can she. It frightens her, I can tell.

“It’s alright Ruth, talk to him, let him hear your voice.”

Her eyes are enormous and I can see that she is shaking too. This is what they wanted and feared and everyone is tense and strained. It always takes me like this. There is always this sense of anticipation and dread. Sometimes one is satisfied and sometimes the other. This time it is harsh.

“Isaac, Zac... we’re here. I don’t know what to say to you. I don’t know what I can do to call you back. I’m scared Zac. You are the one who is strong. I don’t know what to do. I’m lost without you. Please come back.”

For the few moments she is talking he goes completely still, listening. She watches him and goes quiet. It would be sweet if it were not so scary.

“Isaac, wake up now. It’s time for you to wake up now.”

Isaac’s lips are moving. He’s trying to say something but can’t co ordinate voice and lips. He looks confused. It’s hard to watch but a good sign. The shivering is intensifying and I am concerned that it is going to result in a seizure. I am expecting Marsden to step in and take him down again but he doesn’t. He is watching Isaac with an intense expression as though he is an interesting experiment.

Finally Isaac shudders, a wave that passes through his body and when it reaches his eyes they fly open. They are darker than ever, the pupils dilated by the drugs and he looks completely spaced out.

“Zac.” Ruth, overwhelmed by the situation throws herself into his arms and, more with reflex than desire, he wraps his arms around her.

“Steady on there.”

Marsden gently disentangles them and draws Ruth back. She resists but not much. Isaac is blinking at her looking confused and disoriented.

“How are you feeling son?” Isaac tries to look at Marsden but can’t manage to focus on him. Still frowning in puzzlement he closes his eyes again and is still for a long time. I wonder whether he has fallen asleep again.

“Isaac?”

Without opening his eyes Isaac licks his lips and groans, as if he’s testing out the mechanics of making sound.

“Take your time Isaac. Relax and get yourself centered before you try to make sense of any of this. Just breathe deeply and relax and when you feel ready open your eyes again.”

Isaac’s frown deepens as if something in what Marsden is saying puzzles him deeply. I am beginning to get a little concerned. He seems completely out of it, no real comprehension evident at all. I would have expected him to have shown some sign of recognition or comprehension by now.

“Zac, are you okay? Open your eyes. It’s me, Ruth. Come back to me Zac. Jacob’s here too, we’re worried about you.”

There is no obvious sign that he has heard her. He is still frowning, still has his eyes closed. He seems to be thinking about something.

“Isaac, come on son, show us that you’re back with us. Talk to us Isaac.”

Isaac shakes his head slowly, his lips moving, then he groans again and licks his lips, still shaking his head. Suddenly his eyes fly open and he sits bolt upright. “No. Caleb. Caleb...”

He looks at Marsden, his eyes wild and the doctor smiles and presses him back against the pillows. He is still wild eyed but looks more confused than afraid now.

“It’s alright Isaac, Caleb has been taken care of. He can’t hurt you any more.”

“Caleb... he was... he was here.”

“Yes... he was here but he’s gone now. He’s where he deserves to be, away from anyone he can hurt and he is going to stay there for a very long time.”

“He... he....I...”

“Yes, he hurt you Isaac, I know that he hurt you, but you are alright now. Can you tell me what happened?”

“I... woke up and he... he was here.” He looks around, even more confused. “Not here.... where am I?”

“You’re just in a different room Isaac, that’s all.”

“Oh.” He lets his eyes wander around the room for a while then focuses back on Marsden. “He said I’m evil and I deserve to die. He’s mad I think.”

“Yes. I think that is a fair estimation.”

“I... he gave me something... I don’t know.... It was when I was asleep because at first I... I didn’t realise. He was going on and on about... about my mother. He.... he ...” Isaac shudders, his eyes widening. “He was in love with my mother. He said.....” He shakes his head. “Anyway.... I... when I realised that he had done something to me it was too late, I couldn’t move, couldn’t scream. I couldn’t call for help and he would have.... he wanted to watch me die. I... I didn’t know what to do. I was scared.”

“I’m sure you were. I can’t imagine what I would have felt if I had found myself in that situation. You must have been very frightened.”

Isaac blinks at him, his eyes still somewhat dazed, a certain blankness about the mirror blackness of them.

“I... I think so. I... there was a needle. I... he put it on the bed and I touched it and it was hard to get my hand to work but.... I stuck it in his hand. He shouted and knocked things over and I knew someone would come. But then.... then I.... I don’t remember.”

“That’s alright Isaac. Caleb poisoned you and you have been quite ill. We were very worried about you.”

“Am I better now?”

“What do you think? How do you feel?”

“No. I’m not better now. I feel... I feel...” He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes.

“Isaac. Wake up son. Don't go back to sleep yet. We need to know what’s going on inside you. Can you tell us how you feel? Are you in pain? Does anything hurt?”

“Um... I don’t know. I feel... strange.”

“How strange?”

“Heavy.”

“Anything else?”

“My chest is... burning... hurts.”

“Okay. Anything else?”

“No... just....just...” His voice fades and his face relaxes, the puzzled frown smoothing away from his brow.

“Isaac? Isaac, can you hear me?” It’s pointless. He’s passed out again. That’s okay. I am still reeling. I can't believe he’s made it through so well, almost unscathed. Ruth is panicking.

“Isaac, Isaac wake up. What’s happening? Why won’t he wake up?”

Marsden smiles kindly... he can do the bedside manner so well when he wants to. I have never seen anyone who is capable of switching the charm on and off so completely.

“Don’t worry Ruth, he’s fine. He’s had drugs to wake him up from the drugs that put him to sleep... his body is full of both and it’s not surprising he is reacting this way. He is going to be very sleepy for a while but he should have a good night’s sleep now and will be much better in the morning.

“He’s come through remarkably well. All the signs are looking good that he will make a complete recovery. There doesn’t seem to be anything much to worry about... so you can relax now. You’re friend is going to be just fine.”

“Really? You really think he’s going to be alright?”

“I really do. He shouldn’t be. After everything that has happened his body should have given up long ago. His heart has taken a complete battering and he is going to have to take it very easy for a long time but he has reserves of strength that have, I think, surprised us all. He is not completely out of the woods but he is well on the way.”

“Are you pretty sure he’s not going to die?”

“We’re all going to die Ruth, but I think Isaac has a good few years in him yet. He’s going to be alright, now go home, get some rest.”

“No I... I can't leave him.”

“You’re not doing anyone any favours by exhausting yourself.”

“I want to be here when he wakes up. I don’t want him to be alone.”

“Hardly alone Ruth. He has a hospital full of people around him and just about everyone in it knows something about him.”

“Really?”

“I think it’s fair to say he’s made quite an impression one way or another.”

“Yeah... I guess he does. But I’m still not leaving him.”

“Alright. I won’t force you to leave but I have a feeling that Isaac will be feeling a lot better tomorrow and you need to be up to it.”

“I will be.”

“Stubborn kids!!” But he is smiling.

Rick is still asleep when I get in. He is not working today and neither am I. It is rare that we have so much time together and I am looking forward to the day.... but have no intention of starting it for a good few hours. I snuggle down and he puts his arm around me.

“How’d it go?”

“Isaac woke up.”

“Really? I thought you weren’t going to try anything until this morning.”

“We weren’t, but Marsden went his own way as usual.”

“How is he?”

“Surprisingly good. He’s had quite a restless night... he wants to be awake, probably unsurprisingly but he’s pretty much exhausted himself so I wouldn’t be surprised if he sleeps most of the day. On the other hand, having experienced him for myself I would also be unsurprised if he doesn’t. I think I am past being surprised by anything relating to that young man.”

“Hmmm. I might be about to change your mind about that?”

“What do you mean?”

“I had an interesting telephone call this afternoon. Do you remember Jaden Tyler?”

“Do I remember him? Will I ever forget? He was the biggest pain in the backside ever but he’s so cute you just have to forgive him anything.”

“Well, it seems he took quite a shine to Isaac. He got his grandmother involved. She’s a big shot lawyer in the City and she’s been doing a lot of poking around. Seems like she’s the one who sorted out getting the hearing to clear Isaac listed so quickly. And she didn’t stop there.”

“You’re being very cryptic. What do you mean?”

“Well, it seems that Isaac’s father had another family. He had two children by another woman before he met Isaac’s mother. They were very young and had the children very quickly and close together and then they separated and he met Isaac’s mother.

“He also has a mother, two sisters and a brother. It seems that after he died and Isaac’s mother bolted back to the community they tried to go after her, to contact her, to persuade her to go back and let them take care of her and the baby but they were told that she didn’t want anything to do with them. Personally I would be more inclined to believe that Caleb didn’t even tell her they were searching for her.”

I can barely take in the words. It blows my mind. “So... so you’re saying that all of a suddenly, completely out of the blue Isaac has a family.”

“A brother and sister, grandmother, aunts, uncle, cousins.”

“Shit.... are you going to tell him?”

“No. I think it would be better coming from someone else.”

“Someone else?”

“I had a telephone call today from Isaac’s brother.”

“You what???”

“Yep... came completely out of the blue. He rang the hospital and they thought that it would be better for me to speak to him and to decide what would be best to do for Isaac.”

“So what is best to do?”

“I don’t have a problem with Isaac meeting his family. Why would I? He might be a bit overwhelmed at first but I think it is the best thing that could possibly happen to him. He is too big for that community now. He doesn’t want to go back and is only doing it because he has nowhere else to go. Well..... now he has other options. He’s a strong boy. He’s been through a lot and deserves a bit of sunshine in his life and I think this is exactly the thing to open up the horizon for him.”

“If they are nice people.”

“The man I spoke to today, his brother, sounded very nice. He told me that they have always thought of Isaac. No one kept him secret. The whole family knows of his existence, they talk about him, even though they obviously don’t know him.... until he spoke to me didn’t even know if he was a man or a woman.... Caleb never even told the family that much.”

“Is he coming here?”

“When I spoke to him I didn’t know what the situation was going to be with Isaac. I told him that his condition was critical and he said that he would get here as soon as he could but that it wouldn’t be before tomorrow....that’s today now, because of family commitments. He wanted me to tell Isaac that they were there for him. That they would be there for him.”

“But you didn’t. Why not?”

“I thought he had enough to cope with yesterday. I might pop in later today.”

“If they haven’t beaten you to it.”

“I think it would be nicer if they did.”

“You know what? I think you’re right.