Death is Not an Option - 24. Chapter 24

“It’s alright me love. Calm down now or yer goin’ ter get yerself in a right state, so ye are. We’re almost there. Sure and it will be fine. I’m here aren’t I?”

“I know... I know... it’s just... it’s... it’s hard Connor. The last time I was here... I was hauled off by the police.”

“That must have been hard.”

“It was but... I thought it was only going to be for a few days... they promised it was only going to be a few days. I was scared but I thought I was doing it for them. I thought I was... I thought they were...”

“Sean says you don’t talk about it... what happened. That’s not good you know. You should talk... you should let it out me darlin’. Ye’re never gonna get better if you don’t let yerself heal.”

“I am better.”

“Right... and dat’s why you look like yer about to pass out at any moment. Dat’s why ye were crying in yer sleep last night, why yer didn’t eat any breakfast, why...”

“Alright... you win. Maybe I’m not... not better... as such. But I... I can’t... I can’t...”

“It’s alright me darlin’, you’ll get no pressure from me. But I’m here when yer’re ready.”

“I...” I want to tell him. I know that I need to tell someone. The pressure is almost unbearable. It hasn’t been this bad since I was in hospital. Every time I close my eyes I can see his face, every time I let down my defences I feel the pain, the loneliness... the desperation. I can hardly bear it, and I want to share... I want to... but I can’t. When it’s inside my head it's safe, it can’t hurt me. If I let it out... I tried a little. I tried to tell Ruth and Jacob why it’s hard for me to come back and what happened? The look of guilt and hurt in their eyes was too much to bear.

If I tell Connor what will I see in his eyes? When I tell him what I did, how stupid I was, how naive... when I tell him how I was... how when I was in prison they...

“Agh...” The pain is sharp and physical and it doubles me over. I am shaking again, getting used to this now. Tears spring to my eyes and I try to breathe slowly but... “Agh...”

Connor slams on the breaks and pulls the car to the side of the road. “Are ye alright me darlin’? What’s wrong wid yer?”

“I... it hurts.”

“Where?”

“I... it’s alright. It’s okay now. I was just... I was thinking about... and... Agh...” The pain makes me squeeze my eyes together and I lean forwards and rest my head on the dashboard. Connor rubs my back and slowly I relax. What the fuck!!

“Isaac... ye can’t do this ter yerself. Ye’re really goin’ ter make yerself ill, so ye are. Sean told me... he said that ye’re still not well... ye’r heart... I don’t want... I couldn’t... Isaac yer have ter take care and dis... dis is a big step fer yer. Dis is hard and ye can’t do it alone. I’m here fer ye... but only if ye let me. Please Isaac, let me in. Talk ter me.”

“I...” Talk to him? How can I talk to him? How can I tell him when... when I won’t even let myself think about it? The only way I can cope with it is by shutting it in a box and if I take the lid off... but as soon as I go through that gate...

Slowly, very slowly I sit back, waiting for the pain and relaxing when it doesn’t come. I look into his face and see the concern, the love. Surely he deserves to know... but if I tell him... I don’t want to see that look change. I bite my lip as my stomach twinges again and this time my chest stabs me too. I know what it is. I have felt it before... before I got the lids on the boxes and I know it will only get worse.

Turning my head away I close my eyes, take a deep breath and start to talk. It seems that I talk for hours and as I do the pain eases to be replaced by a deep, numbing emptiness. It’s the only way I can bear to say the words that come tumbling out of me in a wave of emotionless facts. It is as if I am looking in at the me who is speaking from a long way off. I realise that it probably isn’t a good thing that I am letting myself get so detached, so separated from what I am saying, but it is the only way I can do it.

If Connor is put off by the flat, dull voice he doesn’t show it. If he is shocked by what the voice is telling him, he doesn’t show that either. He just sits quietly until I have finished. The horror bubbles out of me... the loneliness I felt when I found out that I had been abandoned... the abject horror of realising I had been betrayed, that I was all alone... the rapes, the assaults and Caleb... the things he had said to me that day in the hospital... realising that for half my life he had been trying to kill me, to cause me harm... that he hated me more than I could imagine anyone could hate me. To feel so loathed, so hated, to have someone who hated me so much they wanted to kill me.

I speak of how I felt when I realised that I was dying, when I realised I was gay, when I realised ... everything. And when I finish... I stop.

I feel... completely empty. I feel... numb. I feel... cold. I can’t move. I can’t turn my head. I can’t bear to see...

“Isaac... de reason I came here... to England is because... because I was in trouble... big trouble... Wid de Garda. I... I got involved wid a group... dey were terrorists I suppose... in a way. I was full o’fire and hate and anger and it all went too far. I got caught up in a riot... people were hurt... innocent people... children... It wasn’t me but... I was involved. I was de stupid eedjit who got caught. Dey hauled me off to the Garda Station, t’rew me in a cell. I was dere for t’ree days. Dey weren’t... dey weren’t gentle... scared de crap out o’me.

“Your Grandma came and got me out... she promised to keep me out o’ trouble... to take me away... to come here. It was de only reason dey let me out. I had to stay out o’de country for at least two weeks. Dey wanted to put me in a secure unit... said I were a danger to meself and others. Dey had a psychiatrist come talk to me and he recommended dat either I get put away or I get de hell out o’de situation.

“Dat’s what’s waitin’ fer me. I ran away... I keep on runnin’ away. Since me Da died... dat’s all I do. When t’ings get hard... I run away. But dis time... I’m not running Isaac... I’m not runnin’ from yer.”

I look at him and feel... nothing. Here he is, the love of my life looking at me as if he would take on the world for me, revealing deep and painful truths to me but I can’t feel anything, just that deep, all pervading numbness. Maybe I need this. Maybe it’s the only way I can cope. I feel that I am letting him down but... but there’s nothing I can do about it. If I let the feelings in now...

“Isaac...” He sees it, I know he sees it... it’s there in his eyes and I don’t want him to speak so I turn my head away. “Isaac please...” He reaches out to turn my face back towards him. I resist for a while but I can’t do it for long... I can’t hide from him.

“Don’t hide Isaac, not from me. You never have to hide from me. The t’ings you told me are... I can’t even imagine but... ye’re more that that... so much more. I love yer Isaac, more than I have ever imagined I could love anyone. I hurts me to see yer like this, so it does. Ye’re not a cold person... far from it... ye’re full o’fire and passion. Don’t push it away and hide. It might help fer a while but... in the end it will eat yer away from the inside. I know this... I’ve done it meself.”

I know this. I know it all. I know that hiding isn’t the answer and I know that’s what I am doing but... this is too hard. “Connor... it’s too hard. I can’t do it. I can’t go in there and feel it all. I need... I have to hide... for now, I have to. It hurts too much.”

Connor frowns and strokes my face. “Alright. I’ll giver yer a day. You do what it takes to get yer through this day... and den we go somewhere... somewhere safe and you let it in and you let it out... promise?”

“I... think I can do that. I think... I’ll try.” I have to admit I am confused. It all seemed so hard, impossible, an insurmountable mountain that I couldn’t hope to climb but... but now... “Maybe I can.”

“Ye can to anyt’ing me darlin’, anyt’in’. You are so much stronger than ye think... so much stronger than me.”

“Oh god no... not stronger than you, no one is stronger than you. You are the strongest person I have ever met. You... you’re like a rock.”

“Only fer ye.”

“Good enough.” I take a deep breath. It’s true that I still feel numb and there is a heavy weight dragging at my stomach but somehow I now feel... clean.

“Are ye ready?”

“As ready as I will ever be.” I smile and it is a shaky one but good enough. Connor grips my leg tightly and slides the car back onto the road. It isn’t as if there is much traffic on the road, not at this time of the morning, not in this part of the country.

It seems like no time before we are driving along a very familiar road and I know that when we take the bed ahead I will see it. I will see the turning, the arching sign, cracked and rusted now, announcing the entrance to the community. And then... then... there it is. I bite against the groan that bubbles up in the wake of the pain that stabs me when I see it. I turn away so that Connor can’t see my face.

They all come out as I knew they would, all of them. I notice that Abraham is there, and Micah. I can’t see Jesse but assume that he is there if the others are. They were lucky... two days in the police cells is no big deal, although they look pale, a haunted look in their eyes that I understand so well.

The whole community is gathered in front of the meeting house to watch the car pull up. As soon as I get out I am stormed by Ruth and Jacob and it takes a while to realise there are too many arms. All of the young people are gathered around. They are... were all my friends and suddenly... suddenly...

Isn’t this the point where I become overwhelmed by the emotion, realise that these are still my family, still my friends, that this is still my home? Isn’t this where everything releases and I know that it’s going to be alright now? Isn’t this where I do something other than just stand here, stiff and scared and feeling... nothing?

“What’s wrong Zac? Are you okay? Aren’t you glad to be... no of course not... God I’m an idiot. Come on.”

Ruth takes me by the hand and drags me out of the crowd who melt away. They are all staring at me with what seem to me to be hungry looks in their eyes, as if they all want a piece of me. It feels as if they are already taking it, draining the life out of me, the colour out of my surroundings. There is a darkness inside me that is threatening to consume me and I am barely aware of passing though a door, out of the sunshine and into a cool dim room.

I stumble over the threshold and Connor is there. I look up and the smile on his face is warm but this time the warmth doesn’t reach me. I smile but I see the uncertainty in his eyes because the smile is cold.

Most of the people stay outside. There is only us: me, Connor, Ruth, Jacob, Abraham, Micah and Jesse... yes he is here, I thought he would be.

There are papers strewn all over the table in the middle of the room. I glance at them and they are records, account books, official documents and letters.

“I thought the police took everything.”

“They took the computers and a lot of papers but these were in the cabinets and they didn’t take them all.”

Numbly and listlessly I shuffle through the papers. There isn't much of any importance. The accounts books are the most relevant I think, the most important. For the next three hours I sit and pour over them while Abraham and the others fill me in on the horror that has overtaken them.

As I work it all becomes horribly clear. Caleb really is a horrible man, but a very clever one. For years he has been siphoning off money into his own accounts, short changing suppliers, short cutting legal requirements and in short making sure that if anything ever happened to him the community would be screwed. Presumably it was his insurance policy so that if his leadership was ever challenged he would have something to hold over them.

Even from the paucity of paperwork that remained it was clear that it would take a better mind than mine to sort out this mess. With a sinking heart I realised that there was no way anyone on the outside was going to believe that we would be stupid enough, naive enough, to have known nothing about this... and knowing Caleb it was a wonder that I have not already been arrested. I have no doubt that he will implicate me... my input is clear all over this.

At some point while I worked the others melt away and by the time I look up there is only Connor, dozing in the chair in the corner. Sunlight was shining in through the large dormer windows in the ceiling and lighting his face, awaking crimson highlights in his dark hair. Despite the gnawing fear in the pit of my stomach I can’t help but smile. He is so beautiful, he is my everything.

I am terribly tired, weary almost beyond endurance and it isn’t just the mess the books are in, it’s everything, being back here, the familiar sights, sounds and smells that evoke so many memories, memories which could be good if only they hadn’t been overlaid by so much pain, so many bad memories of how it all ended, and how it could have ended if Caleb had succeeded in his attempts on my life.

Resting my forearms on the table in front of me I let my head fall and try to relax, to let it all slip away, even for a moment but I can’t. There is a knot in my stomach that is getting tighter and tighter. I don’t know what to do to get out of this. I don’t know how to help them, how to help myself. I am afraid... afraid that the community will fall apart and that I will get the blame... again and wind up in prison... again. I am angry too, that Caleb could hurt us, hurt me even now.

I don’t think I could bear it if the police took me away again. The very idea of spending more time in the police cells sends pain stabbing through me again, so acute it makes me gasp and Connor is instantly awake.

“Isaac?” He sounds sleepy.

“I’m here.” I don’t bother to lift my head, it is just too much effort and the pain is easier when I am curled up around it.

“Have you finished?”

I laugh... I actually find that funny. No I have not finished... I am nowhere near being finished, I have no reasonable prospect of being finished.

“Not yet.”

“Do you want me to get you something to eat, it’s getting late.”

“No thank you.”

“Isaac are ye alright?”

“Yeah.” Alright? What... is he kidding me? How could I possibly be alright? Everything is screwed up and as soon as the police have had a chance to look at the computers and see how many times my password has been used to log in... and no doubt Caleb will have made sure that plenty of the criminal activity tool place while my account was logged in... then they would be here for me and there is nothing that Sean or Jon or even Connor can do to help me.

I can’t help but groan as the pain grips me again. I am in agony on the inside and the outside.

Connor’s arm around my shoulders startles me and I look up into his calm blue eyes.

“It’s alright me darlin’, so it is. You’ll get it figured out, and if not we’ll find a way to fix it.”

“No we won’t.”

I lean against him and I do feel a little better, the fist of fear that has been closed around my heart releases a little, but it still hurts.

“There’s nothing so bad in can’t be fixed.”

“Yes there is. He’s been setting this up for years. He’s been doing it so regularly, so cleverly that there is no way we can fix it... and he’s sucked me into it too. Apart from Caleb and occasionally Abraham, Micah and Jesse, I am the only one who had anything to do with the affairs of the community. I have a secure account on the computer and I use it to do the accounts, move money about to pay bills, deal with minor legal issues and all sorts of things that he cold have manipulated.

“I would be very surprised if they don’t find my account involved in all sorts of things. This is his last blow to me Connor and I can’t avoid it. Once they look through the computer and find the accounts they’ll come for me and they will never believe that I didn’t know, that I only did what I was told without question and I didn’t have the experience to know that what I was doing was wrong. I’ve been set up Connor and I am going to go back to prison again because of it.”

There was something about saying it out loud that suddenly crystallises fear into certainty and all the memories of what happened to me in prison, how I had felt, what they had done to me, how Caleb had looked at me in the courtroom, come rushing back and completely overwhelm me. There is a rushing sound in my head, an unbearable pressure and a pain in my guts that has me sliding towards darkness so fast I have no time to think, no time to be aware of what’s happening. Connor’s startled and concerned voice and his strong arms around me barely register.

“Isaac... Isaac are you alright?” The voice is familiar, very familiar but somehow out of place, as if it is in the wrong place, it doesn’t belong here.

I find to my surprise that I am on the floor, propped up against Connor’s side with his strong arms around me and the sound of his heart under my ear.

“What... what happened?”

I blink and the concerned face that is hovering over mine comes into focus. No... it can’t be but... but how...?

“You fainted Isaac, sweetheart. Just lie still for a minute until you are feeling better. You have been working too hard. Connor has filled me in on a little about the state you got yourself into and you’re not to worry... everything is going to be alright. I’m already sorting it out.”

“But... but how...?”

Gwendoline smiles and squeezes my hand, then frowns. “Isaac, you’re freezing. Do you think you can stand up now? Let’s get you out of this cold hall and into somewhere warmer and more comfortable so we can talk properly.” Warm sounds good to me but I am so frightened, so hopeless... I am too cold on the inside how can I ever be warm on the outside? The very thought of standing up makes me exhausted. I feel... safe here, safely blank, safely numb... safely...

“Isaac... don’t blank out on me sweetheart. I’m a little worried about you. Can you please show me that you’re alright or I am going to call for an ambulance.”

I close my eyes and for a moment I am strongly tempted to let her. The thought of being taken back to the hospital, being looked after, taken care of, drugged so I can’t think... it is tempting... but I am not a quitter, I am not a loser.

“Yes I’m alright. I’m just...” I open my eyes and stare into hers. There is no prospect of lying to her... I wouldn’t want to. “I’m scared.”

“I know you are honey. Given what you went through the last time it would be surprising if you weren’t but there’s no need to be. It’s going to be alright. Do you trust me?”

Do I? I look into her deep eyes, crinkled at the edges from so much smiling, her rich chestnut hair, smell her perfume and remember what she had told me about my father. “Yes... yes I trust you.”

“Then get up and come into the house so we can talk. Believe me Isaac, there is nothing to worry about. I am going to take care of you.”

I find myself smiling and strength infuses me again so that I only need the lightest support as I climb to my feet and then I am in her arms and she feels like a mother.

When we are sitting in one of the comfortable living rooms of the community houses, sipping hot tea which has been made for us by Sarah and Job who live in this house I finally begin to relax and feel more normal, more positive.

“Jaden sends his love. He so wanted to come but we have a lot of hard work to get through and he would only get bored and into trouble. He has made me promise to take you to visit him soon.”

“I’d like that.” And, despite everything, I would. He is annoying sometimes but I like him. “He’s a great kid.”

Gwen smiles. “Yes he is. Not many people truly appreciate him. Now... I am sure that you are burning to know how I got involved in this, what I am doing here and what is happening out there.”

I nod, unable to trust my voice to speak. Gwen smiled and lays a reassuring hand on my arm.

“You are not to worry Isaac. Jon and Sean called me because their own lawyer wasn’t particularly interested in the case. I made some initial enquiries and headed straight down here. I called in at the local police station on the way and spoke to the officers in charge of the case... they’ve brought the big guns in from the City. As a stroke of luck for you I actually know the man in charge... we’ve worked together before... well maybe ‘together’ isn’t the right word for it but we know each other and the way we work.

“As you suspected Caleb has made sure that you are implicated in everything. Unfortunately for him, and fortunately for you he tried too hard and he was a little too greedy and too paranoid.”

“What... what do you mean?” I am confused, horribly confused but there is a kernel of hope beginning to form inside me. It is the way she is looking at me with a half smile on her face, a certainty in her voice. She is so reassuring that I can’t help but let my defences down, to begin to dare to hope.

“He’s made sure that a lot of the illegal activity took place while logged in as you... a little bit too much... and that all of the proceeds and benefits are out of your reach and all coming to him. When I spoke to the CID and told them the full story about what Caleb did to you they were already of the opinion that there was something more than met the eye going on.” She smiles at my confusion.

“To put it simply... why would you put your neck on the line, be so deeply involved in that kid of illegal activity... at least knowingly... without being able to reap any of the benefits. The police spoke to the people from the community who were ‘helping them with their enquiries’ and what they all told him about you was already adding up to a conclusion that even if you were involved you were being manipulated and led by Caleb. After what I told them they are more convinced than ever that you were completely ignorant of what was going on, that you are innocent.”

“So...”

“I can’t guarantee anything because until they close the investigation they can still decide to investigate you, but... I spoke to them at length and I am as sure as I can be that they are not going to do that, that they believe that you had nothing to do with what happened, at least willingly and knowingly.”

I can’t begin to express how I feel right now. Relieved? Happy? No... nothing like that. Angry? Hurt? No... not that either. I feel... I feel...

“What about the community? Will they be alright? Can it all be straightened out? Can the community continue because that’s important... it’s one of the things that Caleb was trying to do... to stop it going on without him? It’s got to continue because if it doesn’t he’ll have won and... and I don’t want him to win... I... I want...” The words are tumbling out at I can’t stop them. It isn’t that I don’t mean them, of course I do... it is important but at the moment... right at this moment they are a smokescreen... they are diverting attention from me, from the way I feel... or don’t feel... or don’t know how to feel and... and...

“Isaac...” Gwen puts her hand over mine but I can’t look at her.

“But it’s important. I need to know that everything is going to be alright here... I need to know the community is safe. I don’t want...” The words are still tumbling, breathless.

“Isaac stop.”

This time her voice is stern and it makes me look up at her. Seeing the look in her eyes I stop. I have to because the words are all gone.

“Relax Isaac. It’s alright. I know this has all been a huge shock to you and I know that you probably don’t know how you feel right now and that’s okay. You don’t have to bury your feelings, or cover them up or deny them or hide from them. It’s natural, it’s alright. Don’t expect too much of yourself. I know that the last couple of weeks have been hard for you and I know that today must have been hard. I’m only sorry that I couldn’t have got here sooner and spared you the ordeal of going through all that paperwork, finding out what has been going on, all alone.

“You must have been so scared and I am so sorry about that. But it’s alright now Isaac... everything is going to be alright now. I’m here and this will be sorted out. I will make it my personal business to ensure that this is sorted out and that the community gets back on its feet. But more than that... I am going to make sure that you are back on your feet Isaac. Do you understand?”

Numbly I shake my head. I am lost... I have no idea what’s happening, not any more. It’s just all been too much. The last 24 hours have been like a waking nightmare and I have had no time, no opportunity to process any of it. I feel as if I am in a dream and I can’t wake up.

“It’s alright. You don’t have to. All you need to know is that I am going to take care of everything so you have nothing to worry about. Do you understand that?”

I nod. I understand. I’m not sure I believe, but I understand.

“Good. Now you are cold and tired and shocked. You are to rest here and I will get someone to bring you something light and warm to eat and something strong to drink. You are not to move from this spot until you have eaten and you are feeling better. I am going to go back to the hall and go through some paperwork and talk to your friends here and start to get everything worked out. You are not to worry. It is not your responsibility any more Isaac... it’s mine. Do you understand?”

“I don’t know.” I must sound like a complete idiot. I can’t seem to process anything that is going on. It’s all changing too fast, all coming unravelled and then being put together to unravel again. I’m lost in it. I don’t know what I feel. I don’t know what to feel.

“I’ll take care of him. I’ll make sure he’s alright.”

Gwen looked up at Connor and smiled. She got to her feet and held out her hand. “I don’t believe in all this drama that I have had the opportunity to be officially introduced.”

“I’m Connor... pleased to meet you.”

“Can I assume that you and Isaac are... together?”

“As together as can be.”

“That’s a relief to me. I’ve been worried about Isaac. It’s good to know that he has someone to look after him.”

There was something wrong with that statement but I am too tired, too confused, too... too... to think of it.

“Aye... he does that. He has someone to take care of him right enough.” Gwen looks into Connor’s eyes for a while and it makes him uncomfortable.

“Promise me Connor. Promise me you will look after him because Isaac is special. He’s been shut away for so long. He’s pure and innocent and given half the chance this world will crush him. I don’t think you quite realise what you have. Promise me that you will take care of him.”

Connor looks startled, stunned. His eyes widen and he nods, slowly at first and then more purposefully.

“Aye... I promise. I will take care of him.”