Death is Not an Option - 22. Chapter 22

I don’t know why I talked ter Isaac loike I did. It was as if he drew the words out o’ me wid magic or some kind of compulsion that I couldn’t resist. I have never spoken to anyone like I did to him. No one.

It hurt, so it did. I hurt so bad I thought that I would not be able to contain all the pain inside of me. Before when I feel de pain I get rid of it by hurting someone, or meself. Foitin’ fucking, getting into bother... but... dis time... dis time it was different. Dis time I was wid Isaac.

I was lying dere on his bed and feelin’ loike I had to hurt somet’n’, someone, loike I usually do, loike I had to tear into someone, pour de heat and the hurt into hurting or being hurt. And den... den he looked at me. He lifted his face and he looked into me eyes and it all... it didn’t go away, not den. It wasn’t dat he took all the pain and made it go away but... when I looked into his eyes... it didn’t matter any more.

Suddenly I didn’t want to hurt anyone any more. Dere was only Isaac, and dere was no way I was ever gonna hurt him. The burnin’ was still dere, the desire, the hunger... but it was different. Dis time... dis time I wanted to lose meself in him. I wanted his beauty, his innocence, his flowing, quenching sweetness to put out me fire.

When he touched me I burned, but it wasn’t in the same way. Dis toime I didn’t want to burn him, to break him... I wanted to warm him, to take care of him. For the first time I didn’t want to take, I wanted to give.

When I told him I loved him I don’t know who was de most shocked. I’ve never said that ter anyone afore, not me Ma, not me Da... no one. Certainly not any of the long line of losers I’ve taken to me bed just for fuckin’. And now here I was, after knowing de guy fer less dan a week. I must ha’ bin crazy... but the really crazy thing is... the thing is... I meant it... and I still do.

All the time... when we were making love... I couldn’t keep me eyes off of him. He was de most beautiful t’ing I have ever laid me eyes on, so he was. His hair was all spread out over the pillows and he was completely open to me. He closed his eyes and was making all dese cute little moaning sounds and dey drove me half wild. How I didn’t take him dere and den oi will never know.

Thank the Holy Mother Mary I kept me head because I t’ink if I had tried to take it one step further it would have spoiled it all, and bejesus wasn’t it the sweetest t’ing dat ever happened to me.

Even as it was, when we finished Isaac started to shake and cry. At first I thought I’d hurt him and it scared the living crap out o’me. One minute he was pumping his sweetness into me and the next he went still and started to shake. I freaked. I thought he was havin’ a fit or somet’n’. I dragged meself up and looking in his face and he was cryin’... tears rollin’ down his face, holdin’ in de sobs and when I took him in me arms he let ‘em go.

I held him close for a long time, until he stopped cryin’ and then some. He got cold and I pulled the duvet up around us and just let him snuggle. Snuggling has always bin de best cure for every ailment know to man... or so me Grandma says.

After a time he fell asleep and I have been lying here lookin’ at him ever since. He’s so beautiful when he sleeps, so open. I don’t need to have to watch every word I say in case I scare him, or upset him. I don’t have to keep me fire inside. I don’t have to work hard to try and be the person I should be for him. I just have to be here, so I am... just bein’ here, wid him.

The knock at the door scares t’ree kinds o’ crap outa me and I jump so hard Isaac moans in his sleep.

“Yeah?”

“Dinner’s almost ready.”

“Er... yeah... cool. Give us ten...”

“Take fifteen.” I can hear the smile in his voice, so I can, and it cracks me up. I am grinning like an eedjit and den... den I look down into dose beautiful eyes and I t’ink I am gonna fall into dem and keep fallin’ forever.

Isaac smiles a slow, sleepy smile and I feel me heart flutterin’ in me chest like some crazy bird in cage. I can’t believe it when I smile back and it comes out all shy and flirty loike a girl’s.

Isaac reached up his hand and touches me face and I shiver. “Are ye okay now?”

“Oh yes... very okay.”

“Why were ye cryin’? Was it me? Did I do something to yer?”

“Yes... it was you. You did do something to me. I don’t know what it was but...” He pauses and smiles a slow, sexy smile. “Things have been so crazy lately. I have gone from being part of a community where I was never ever alone, and where I trusted everyone around me implicitly... to being more alone than I have ever imagined I could have been, trusting no one... and now... and now.”

Touching his soft hair, stroking his cheek I gaze into his eyes and see wonder there. Somehow it scared me and there is a tremble in my voice when I say. “And now?”

“Now there’s you.” It is a simple statement, so it is but again it scares me... it scares the Bejesus out of me. “I’m not alone any more Connor.” He says so softly it almost deafens me. “I feel like I will never be alone again. Even though... even though Jon and Sean have been amazing to me... I still... when I was here, in my room... I felt... I felt as if I was still alone.” He takes my hand and holds it over his heart. “In here I was still alone. But now... now you are here and I’m not alone any more. I’m not scared any more. I’m not hurting any more. I feel... clean.”

Shite! I don’t know what to say. I feel like I am holding a rose in me hand. One twitch of me fingers and it’s crushed... all that’s left is the perfume. I am not what he thinks.

“Isaac...”

“Jon said you were dangerous. He said I should be careful of you because you are so different, so far out of my league, and I can see what he means but... but I trust you. I trust you completely and I know you would never hurt me.”

“Not deliberately.”

“Not at all; not ever. I trust you Connor... because I love you.”

I try to smile but it’s a shaky thing, and me hand is trembling. Isaac is smiling like sunshine but I feel cold. I close me eyes so I can’t see the trust shining in his eyes.

“I’m a bad one Isaac. You shouldn’t trust me. I’ll let yer down. I always do sooner or later. I start off wid such good intentions but do yer know what they say... the path to Hell is paved with good intentions’ and dat’s where I’m headin. I’ll hurt yer Isaac. I won’t mean to, I swear... but I will... sooner or later, one way or another... I will hurt you and I couldn’t bear that.”

“Then don’t do it.” He smiles as though it’s as easy as that. Maybe it is.

“I’ll try.”

“That’s all you can do. Now... did someone say something about dinner because I’m starving?”

All through dinner Isaac has been lookin’ at me, sending me dese little glances from under his eyelashes and dey are drivin’ me crazy so dey are. And den he rubs his foot against my leg when he t’inks no one is noticing. Of course dey are noticin’ and laughing dey’re heads off about it. He’s so obvious. I am going to have to teach him a t’ing or two about flirtin’ I can see.

Jon and Sean seem to be takin’ it well, so they do... although there have been times when I have looked up to see one or other of them lookin’ at me with various expressions from suspicion to gratitude and it confuses the hell out o’me.

I notice that Isaac doesn’t eat very much but den Sean says, all delighted like, dat he’s done really well today. When I query it Sean tells me it’s the most he’s eaten since he’s been wid dem. Christ, how many times have I eaten wid him and I never noticed? I was too damned busy lustin’ after his body to care a damn about anything else. Well... I’ve noticed it now.

“You need to eat more Isaac. Sure and yer all skin and bones. It’s not healthy for yer.”

Isaac stares at me with a stricken look on his face and I can practically see one petal fall.

“Now don’t you be looking at me like dat. Dis has nothin’ to do wid the way you look. I loike dat... I loike it fine, so I do. But I don’t want you wastin’ away on me now do I? You’ve been ill and you have to build yerself back up. Ye’ll never be fit and strong again if yer don’t eat.”

“I’m trying.” He looks down at his plate, his hair falling forward to cut him off, but I know all about that game... haven’t I played it meself too often? I reach out and tuck half his hair behind his ear.

“Try harder. I want to be seeing some more meat on those bones before I go home.” I could have bitten off me tongue the moment the words were out o’ me mouth. Isaac’s head jerked up and I felt the knife wound in me heart even before I saw the look in his eyes.

I hadn’t even thought of it until den... but of course... whatever we had, whatever we built... whatever we felt... one day I will go home... one day soon... and den what?

“I... I don’t think... I’m not very hungry. Can you excuse me for a minute?”

Before anyone can do anyt’ing, say a word, he pushes back the chair, so hard it nearly falls over and den practically runs from de room. I can’t see his face but I know de look I would see dere. I have seen it so often... so often caused by me. Oi’m a stupid eedjit, so I am... a bastard.

I get to me feet to follow him but Sean stops me.

“Let him go Connor,” he says softly, “he needs to deal with this by himself for a while. I’ll go and talk to him in a minute.”

“But...”

“Connor,” he says firmly, “you did the right thing. He’s new to this. Anyone with eyes can see he’s fallen for you... hard. It wouldn’t be fair to let him think it was ever going to be forever. It’s best that he realises that from the start.”

“But...”

“Think about it Connor, really think about it. Try and put yourself in his shoes for a minute. He’s not like you; never has been and never will be. He’s never been in love and doesn’t know how to handle it. He can’t see past his feelings, can’t live past the moment. Imagine what it would be like for him if he invested everything in you and then had to say goodbye. It’s best that he never gets that far. Maybe it would be best if you left...” He paused. “I don’t know... maybe it wouldn’t.”

“What are your feelings Connor? What are you planning?” The hint of censure, of disapproval that I have always felt in Jon’s voice is dere big time now. I am confused. I don’t know what to say to him. “Is Isaac just a holiday romance, someone to ease the pain of separation, to make a bad job a little better? I know you don’t want to be here, never wanted to come on this trip. Declan told us about... the situation back home. Are you using Isaac as a way to make the best of a bad job until you can get back to what’s really important to you?”

What??!! What de fuck has Dec been saying to dese people? How dare he? Dat was moi business... not his... not his to... to... I hang me head, shame creeping over me. To feck wid dis. Connor O’Donnell does not do shame... but...

“I... No... no it’s not dat... it never was dat.” I look up at Jon and his face is hard... I am used to dat too... dat look... Connor O’Donnell is a fuck up and he’s fucked up again. I drop me head, pushing food around on me plate with a fork.

“Do you love him Connor?”

I look at Sean, his words are softer than Jon’s, his face too. He sees more, he understands.

“I...”

Do I? Do I love Isaac? I know I said it but... And if I do is it fair on him? I break things, so I do... people... hearts. I’m a bastard, isn’t dat what dey all say? Connor O’Donnell... the fuck up and the bastard. Is it fair to take someone loike Isaac, someone who is so... pure and bring him into dat world, dat... darkness? Even if I try... and I would... for him I would try... but even so... it wouldn’t go away... dat darkness. It’s in me soul, so it is and it would come out. Maybe I wouldn’t hurt him, not deliberately... but I would get him hurt. Feck... when he saw me... really saw what’s inside... that would hurt him fer sure.

“I don’t... want to. I don’t... want him to be hurt but... I... I’m selfish, so I am... always have bin. I can’t... be noble, and... I know I should walk away. I know that if I stay I will hurt him... I would never do that on purpose but it would come... it always does. Sooner or later I will be de bastard I am and he’d get hurt. And I.... I don’t want dat... Sweet Mother of Mercy I would tear out me own heart before I saw him hurt but... I can’t... so help me I can’t walk away.” I looked up fully and met Sean’s eyes. “Aye... aye I do... I do love him.”

Sean smiles. He really does have a beautiful smile. Then it fades. “What would you be prepared to do for that love Connor, for Isaac?”

The answer slips out before I have time to think. “Anything. I’d do anything for him.”

“Would you stay? Would you consider leaving Ireland and staying here? You’d be welcome to stay with us for as long as you like... until you got Isaac back on his feet and ready to move on.”

It feel loike the bottom’s dropped out o’me world. Leave Ireland? Stay here... in England... among de enemy? Could I? Could I..?

“I...” Dere is a war ragin’ in me heart. For years I have fought... everyone, everything... I have fought ‘the enemy’ everywhere, in every way I could. I blamed dem, the English, de Proddy’s... it was dey’re fault dat I grew up widout me Da. He died coz o’dem. I hated dem, so I did... wid a passion dat went far beyond anyt’ing I had ever felt for a person.

And Ireland... it is more dan me home... it is me love...me passion. I am itching to get back to her, so I am. For so long I’ve been bound... to the past, to me pain... is dis de toime to let go?

I have never felt for anyone de way I feel about Isaac. Dat is not in doubt. But is it enough? The question is... who do I love more... Isaac... or Ireland?

I can’t speak. The war is too loud, too strong. I am helpless... caught in the grip of a struggle of epic proportions and... in de end... dey take me silence for me answer... maybe it is.

“I understand Connor. I don’t know if Isaac will...but you need to talk to him about this... and you need to do it now...before you go any further. You should seriously think about your relationship, what it means to you and where you want it to go. Because if it is nothing but a holiday romance, something to make your stay in this country more bearable... and if you are set on leaving... then you have to end it. You have to end it now before Isaac gets even more hurt by it.”

Sean’s eyes are soft, full of understanding... but there is steel there too... steel that speaks of dire consequences if I hurt Isaac any more. I nod.

“Whatever he says or seems Connor, Isaac is not strong. He’s been through so much, mentally and physically and something like that doesn’t just go away. Jon and I are both very worried about him. He’s so... insular. He doesn’t ever speak about what happened to him, about how he’s feeling. He hides everything. There have been times, many times when we have known he’s been in pain but he won’t ever show it... maybe he doesn’t want to admit it even to himself.

“He has nightmares when he wakes screaming in the night and sometimes... sometimes they turn into something more. He still has seizures from time to time and he won’t take the medication the doctor prescribed because it clouds his mind and he feels that he needs to be clear, to be strong. It’s important to him. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

“I... I’m not sure.”

“Isaac needs to feel strong. He needs to feel that he is in control... at least of himself because for a long time he’s had no control at all. He feels that his own mind... his own body... are the only things he can be sure he has control over and so he won’t let himself be weak. That means that he pushes himself too hard, all the time. He won’t tell you how much he’s hurting and he won’t admit it to himself, even if it makes him ill. If there is any distancing to be done it is going to have to come from you.”

I understand... for de first time I really understand. He’s hurtin’ too... just as deep as me. He’s broken... and so am I.

“I’ll talk to him.” I am on me feet before I finish thinking... that is so typical of me.

“Connor I think it’s best if you don’t... not just yet. Let me...”

“No... dis is my problem... It’s up to me to fix it.”

“Fix it? Do you still think you can fix it? Isaac is a person, a human being... he’s ill and he’s hurting... you can’t ‘fix’ this.”

I can’t look at him. I can hear de anger now, it’s a little scary, so it is. Dese people love Isaac... dey love him fer real. Question is... do I?

I ignore him... I have to... and head for Isaac’s room. On me way I pass de bathroom and hear de sobbing. For a while I stand outside de door... too chicken shit to push. I don’t want ter see... ter face what I have done... what I am going to do. When I do I am shocked.

Isaac is sat to de floor wid his head on de toilet. He’s been sick and now he’s sobbin like his heart is breakin’... maybe it is.

“Isaac...”

He doesn’t look up, doesn’t show that he’s heard...but I know he has.

“Isaac... I... I didn’t mean ter hurt ye. Never. I told yer... I told her I would, so I did. I told yer... I’m a bastard and I break everyt’in’. Oi love yer but... I can’t stay wid yer.”

The sobbin intensifies and he slides down onto the floor and curls up. He looks like a little boy, so lost. It hurts so bad... to see him loike dat... because o’me. I get to me knees and reach out me hand to touch him and he flinches loike he was afraid I were gonna hit him. Feck I had... I had hit him... wid me words.

Oi can’t stand it any more. De pain is not just in him. It is loike a physical being between us... pushing us apart but drawing us together at de same toime. I reach out and pull him into me arms. At first he resists but he has no strength. Oi can feel it now, de weakness in him. He’s fragile in me arms... de rose is wiltin’ and it’s all because o’me.

Suddenly somet’in’ snaps in him and he takes hold o’me so hard it hurts... but I want it... I want de pain... I need it. He is shakin’ all over and I hate meself.

“Ah feck Isaac... dis is so fucked up, so it is. I love yer. I love yer so much it’s killin’ me. But I can’t give up me home... me country... I can’t. Surely you understand that... surely... Ah feck...”

I hold him... hard... Maybe we can... maybe.

I don’t know how long we are dere, on de cold floor... just holding each other, not saying anything. Eventually de cold starts to get to me and I know it must be gettin’ to him too because now de shakin’ has changed and it’s more like shiverin’... but it’s bad.

“Come on babe...you’re shiverin’, you need to be up off dis floor, let’s get ye warm.”

“Cold...”

“I know babe. Come on.”

I get up and drag him to his feet... he can barely stand and I’m scared. What have I done?

“Come on babe... you’re okay. Come on...”

I pull him against me and he feels so cold. Feck. Have I done dis? Have I make him ill again?

“Isaac babe... what’s wrong wid yer? Tell me yer alright.”

It’s as if he doesn’t even hear me. He’s lost in his own world and I don’t know how to reach him. It’s almost as if he doesn’t know me, doesn’t know where his is. Dis is too much for me.

“Sean... Jon... I need yer... I need help here.”

It seems like an age before dey appear. Sean takes charge straight away.

“It’s alright. It’s alright Connor. Don’t worry about it. He’s fine.”

“Foine... he doesn’t look foine.”

“I know...but he is.”

Sean and Jon take Isaac out o’me arms and I feel... empty. Dey take him into de bedroom and I can’t follow. I can’t move. What have I done? What the feck have I done?”

It’s Sean who comes back. He puts his arm around me and I can't look at him.

“What have I done?”

“It wasn’t you Connor. Isaac had a seizure... he’s fine now.”

“He what? But I... he didn’t...”

“It’s not always obvious Connor. Strong emotions and stress can bring them on and sometimes it’s nothing more than just staring into space for a few minutes. Sometimes even he doesn’t notice it. Sometimes it’s worse and he gets very confused and disoriented for a while. Really... he’s fine now. In fact he’s quite embarrassed.”

“Embarrassed?”

“Because you saw it. You saw him vulnerable and that’s hard for him right now.”

I nod me head... what else can I do. I was badly shaken by dat... more dan I had thought I t’ink. Feck oim shakin’ meself.

“Did I... do dat?”

“No... it happens Connor. Not as often as before, but it happens... maybe it always will. It’s likely that he will get over it completely as his body gets stronger but maybe it won’t... maybe this will go on happening forever. Could you cope with that?”

Dis time dere was no need to think. “Aye... if it part of him... if I had to... but...”

“Are you really sure that you want to leave him?”

“No... I’m sure I don’t. I don’t want ter leave him but... but I can’t... Ireland’s been me first love... me only love... fer so long... she’s part o’me... in de heart o’me. I can’t... I just...”

Sean puts his hand on me arm and squeezes. “It’s alright Connor. I understand. I have to put Isaac first but I’m not made of stone. I know you love him... I can feel it. You’ll find a way through this... I know you will. Come on.”

I am reluctant to go wid him, to face Isaac but... but dere is no way I wasn’t goin’ ter. He is sitting up in bed, all wrapped in the duvet. His eyes are enormous and when dey look at me I feel loike dey are staring into me very soul... stripping it away and leavin’ me naked and bare.

“Come on Jon... let’s go put the kettle on. I think a nice cup of tea is what they need.”

Jon grumbles but follows, although de look he gives me as he passes leaves not’in’ to me imagination... it says... ‘Hurt him again and I’ll feckin’ kill yer’.

I sit down and I can feel Isaac not lookin’ at me.

“I’m an eedjit, so I am. You know I would never hurt yer... not if I could help it. I would tear off me arm before I would do that.”

“But you wouldn’t leave Ireland?” His voice is soft... so soft... he doesn’t need to ask he knows...

“No. No, I can't do that.”

“I know. I know how important home is. I had no home for so long... I hated the community, never felt at home there... and then even that was gone. Now... now I have a home and I wouldn’t give it up for anything. I do understand. It just... it hurts so much.”

He is crying again and it tears de heart right out o’me. I pull him into me arms and he feels insubstantial... like I have knocked all the stuffin’ out o’ him.

“It doesn’t mean de end Isaac. I will come back... sometimes... and ye can come over... and one day... maybe one day...”

“Maybe...”

I pull back and make him look into me face. I can hardly bear de look in his eyes but... I have ter, so I do... I have ter.

“You know that I love yer right? Ye know that?”

For a long time he just looks, just blank and empty... den he nods slowly and gives me a smile. It’s a small smile, t’rough all de tears but... it’s so bright it blinds me.

“I love you too. With all my heart. I’ll wait for you Connor. As long as it takes... whatever it takes. I don’t want to lose you... I can’t.”

“Lose me? Yer fecking eedjit... yer can’t lose me. Oi’m stuck ter yer, so I am... stuck like glue. Ye’ve ripped me heart apart and torn it right out o’me chest. It’s in yer hands now. I’m yours... forever. One day Isaac... one day I’ll make me peace with Ireland and I’ll come back... I swear to yer... I’ll come back fer ye.”

“I'll wait.”

“I can’t ask yer te do that. I don’t know how long...”

He reaches out his hand and puts his fingers on me lips. It is the sweetest t’ing I have ever experienced. His smile is stronger dis time an it blinds me.

“However long it takes.”

“Ah feck... don’t leave me Isaac... don’t make me leave yer. Come wid me... come back ter Ireland... ye’d love it so ye would.” Suddenly it seems so obvious... so clear... he doesn’t have a home... not really, not one like mine... it makes sense, so it does... perfect sense. He can come wid me and we will be together. “I could show you so many things. Sure it’s beautiful Isaac... de sunrise over de Mourne... de mountains... Oi never took it in... never appreciated it but wid you... wid you I would see it all again wid new eyes. Please Isaac... please come home wid me.”

For a moment something flares in his eyes... hope? But den he shakes his head.

“I can’t Connor,” he says softly, “I belong here.”

“But you could belong dere too. You’ve said it yerself... you have no home... not really... I could make one fer ye... I could... I... What’s de matter?”

He is biting hard on his lip, trying to stop from shakin’ I am scared again... but he shakes his head. “I’m alright.” His voice is tight... he is trying to control himself but something is wrong.

“What is it?”

“I... You... I know... I know I don’t... not really... but I thought... I wanted...”

“Yer not makin’ sense.”

He takes a deep breath, steadying himself.“Jon and Sean... they... they are my family... I didn’t even know I had a family and then... I was so alone. You could never imagine Connor, never imagine what it was like to be so alone... and then they were there. My brothers... and... and that was coming home. Do you understand? Not the place...”

“No... I don’t understand but... I do understand that it would be hard for you to leave them... it would be hard... but you’d have me... I would never leave yer side... I swear...”

“I can’t Connor. Not now, not yet. You should be able to understand... don’t you? You can’t leave your home and I... I can’t leave mine... not now... not yet.”

“But...”

I am interrupted by de sound of hammerin’ on de front door. It isn’t knocking, not like yer would expect but a frantic, desperate hammerin’. We freeze as we listen to the sound of the door opening and den voices... urgent, pleading. De voices move into another room and are lost, but, before we can return to our conversation there are footsteps on de stairs and Sean appears.

“Isaac... I know you’re not feeling too good at the moment but... I think you should come down.”

“What? Why? What’s going on? Who was that?”

“It’s Ruth, Isaac. There’s trouble at the community, bad trouble... they need you.”