Death is Not an Option - 19. Chapter 19

Isaac sure wasn’t what I had been expecting. Not that I’d had the first idea what to expect. I hadn’t wanted to come and, that was putting it mildly. I didn’t want to leave Ireland and I certainly didn’t want to be nursemaid to some invalid kid fresh out of hospital with his life falling down around his ears. Hell, I had enough of that wid me own.

And then I met him and he was... well he was... unexpected. No invalid for sure, not at all. He looked strong and powerful, but strangely fragile for all his size. And the way he looked at me... with those big black eyes of his, like great dark mirrors of a soul so bright it blinds yer. I could have kicked meself, the way I reacted when he spat out his beer. I can be such an eejit at times... and the way he looked... like I had beat him or somethin’... so shocked and hurt. I would have said something, tried to make it up but... he had run away by den. The thought that it was me he’d run away from was...shockin’.

Declan fair laughed his socks off, so he did. He thinks it’s funny. I could never hide anything from him, and I have tried. All the time I was getting ready for the party he was having digs, playin’ merry hell with me confidence. I don’t usually have a problem with that but Isaac... he’s something else.

“Quit foolin’ and tell me what yer think. How do I look?”

“Devastatingly handsome as always. Ye’ll have em all eating out o’ yer hand, so ye will.”

“Quit foolin’ I said. This is important Dec.”

“Why? Wasn’t it yerself that was saying you would eat yer own head afore you’d make an effort for the imperialist bastards?”

“That was before.”

“Before what? Ah... I see.”

“Do yer?”

“Aye... I see. I don’t understand but I see. Be careful Con. I love yer like a brother but yer trouble for all that. Isaac is... he doesn’t deserve that.”

“Thanks fer de confidence ‘brother’.”

“Ah cop on yer gack. You know well yer no angel. Trouble follows yer like the whiff of yer farts. Do yer think I don’t know why yer here? To keep yer arse out of gaol. Is that what an Aran like Isaac is needing at a time like this? Feck man he’s more innocent then the saints.” He laughed shortly. “Saint and sinner; never a good combination.”

“Feck yer.”

“Saying it as it is. I’ve seen yer spin yer line. This time...”

“This time?”

“This time yer pissin on yer family.”

“My family?” I almost laughed at that one, so I did. My family. My family couldn’t give a feck about me. My family turned their backs on me. My family handed me over to the Garda. My family...

“Aye, yer family. It was fer de best yer know.”

“Best? Whose best?”

“Yours, yer arse. Ye can’t be a feckin eejit all yer life.”

That was when I walked out. I went straight down to the car and sat there waiting for them, then listened to Gradma chewin’ me out the whole way to the party. I’m sick of it, so I am. They lecture at every opportunity. Grow up Connor. Get yer head out o yer arse Connor. Make a life fer yerself Connor. Fly straight Connor. Be a man Connor. Give up these childish notions Connor. Don’t be yerself Connor. After a while I blanked out.

The other two babbled on and I kept my eyes on the road and thought about the things that had brought me here. A million tiny steps going way back that led me to this place at this time... to this meeting, this person, this... Isaac.

His eyes are like tiny black mirrors that show every expression, every emotion that passes through his mind. His hair is as dark as mine but not so curly except that it has this little flick at the ends that make it curl over his collar and lick across his forehead so that it keeps falling over his eye. He has dis little unconscious gesture that he does, flicking it away.

The first moment I set me eyes on him my heart did this strange little skip. I couldn’t tear them away. And ever since he’s been on me mind the whole time. I’ve never met anyone who had this effect on me before. I’m not a pushover. I’ve had me share of... relationships. Hah. Relationships! I’ve had partners, people I’ve fucked, people who meant no more that a quick shag and warm body to curl up on in the night. Girls, boys, anyone who would have me. I’m a tart, a slut, an attention whore.

And now... now I’m... now I’m squirming like a butterfly on a pin. I’ve never felt this kind of attraction before and I don’t know what to do with it.

“What are you smiling about? Are you listening to a word I’m saying?”

“Of course Grandma. I’m smiling because I'm so grateful to yer fer setting me straight.”

“Ara be wisht boy. Away wid yer.”

I could hear the smile in her voice even as she scolded me. She’s alright so she is, my grandma.

I was taken by surprise at how big the house was. Sure and it was practically a mansion. I have never been anywhere near a house that big, and it was fair full of people. Mrs Baron introduced us to so many people it made me head spin. I have no idea who any of them were. I smiled and nodded and all the while me eyes were scanning the crowd.

There are no words to describe the way I felt the first time I saw him. He was beautiful, unbelievably beautiful. He had on dese leather trousers that made me want to grab his packet there and then and a jacket that showed off his shoulders and a waist so neat I thought I could put me hands around it and touch the fingers.

His eyes were bright and he was smiling, his head slightly bent towards the little woman who was laughing up at him. She had the same look in her eyes as everyone else who set them on Isaac, adoring but slightly stunned. That wild lick of hair was falling over his face even though the rest of it was tamed in a velvet ribbon. Gods I wanted to pull out that ribbon and run me hands through that glorious hair. I wanted to....

“Sorry....?”

“Mrs Baron was asking you if you had a good journey. Pay attention boy... what’s got into yer?”

“It was... long.”

“Yes, I imagine it would have been. Is this your first time in England Connor?”

It took real control not to laugh in her face. Been to England? Not bloody lightly. Why would I have ever wanted to set foot in a country that had fucked over my homeland every which way for the best part of forever? Why would I have wanted to walk on the soil of my oppressors, my occupiers, my enemy? But then I thought.... Isaac’s English and I smiled and shook my head.

“No, never. So far it’s been a pleasure, so it has.”

Out of the corner of me eye I saw both Declan and Grandma squinting at me and my smile widened even further whilst my eyes crept back over Mrs Baron’s shoulder to where Isaac was now standing alone and looking around with dazed eyes. I was about to go over when my grandmother took me firmly by the hand and steered me through the crowd.

I was kept busy for a long while talking to strangers with strange faces and strange accents and strange views. A couple of the girls started giggling around me and it made me feel sick and I kept looking for Isaac and not seeing him and then... and then the greatest indignity... one I have not had to suffer since I was five.

She did it on purpose so she did. I swear she did. The old witch called me over and told the whole feckin room that I sing like an angel and no matter what I tried there was no way I was going to be allowed to get out of it. I shot her a look and then me devious mind plotted the ultimate revenge.

I launched into Green Island by Ewan McKoll and I thought she was going to have apoplexy so I did. It was the dog’s bollocks. When I finished I saw her out of the corner of my eye. Oh dear God Isaac was standing right next to her and me heart stopped. For a long crazy moment I swear me old heart actually stopped. And then, before she had the chance to say a word I launched straight into Only Our Rivers Run Free by Mickey MacConnell the icing on the cake. She almost burst. And then I got caught up in the song, in the feelings it always awakes in me heart and the room faded away.

For the time it took to sing the song I was far away, standing on the banks of the Mourne, listening to the murmuring of the water, seeing the sun shining through the trees and then... and then a street, people everywhere, voices shouting, the Garda, me Da...

I blinked and realised I had stopped singing and everyone was looking at me, applauding. Someone grabbed my arm and pulled me into an embrace. I barely heard the words she said... I had to get out of there, away from them, away from them all.

The garden was cool and quiet. I wandered around in the darkness, smoking cigarettes, one after another and flicking them onto the perfect lawn. I hated them, all of them. I hated them for making me feel like this, like a stranger in a strange land, like a prisoner.

Somehow I fetched up against the garden wall and leaned on it staring at the moon and the stars. The same moon, the same stars that shine over Ireland, over the Mourne, over me home. Ah I wish... I wish...

When I heard the footsteps I was angry at first. I didn’t want to speak to anyone. I didn’t want to see anyone. I certainly didn’t want to talk to anyone. And then I looked up.

Oh god he was so beautiful. He was... too beautiful. It hurt me to look at him. The moonlight softened the angles of his face, the gaunt hollowness of his cheeks that was the only legacy of his illness that showed. His skin was flawless and pale, his eyes like black holes. He looked... uncertain, dazed. I wanted to hold him, to touch his face, to look into those eyes. I wanted to... I wanted...

He walks like a panther, soft footfalls, dancing. He came so close I could touch him. I wanted to touch him. He leaned over the wall and lifted his face to the stars. The moonlight kissed him and I wanted to so badly it hurt.

I didn’t know what to say, what to do so I made some stupid joke he didn’t understand and offered him a cigarette... which he put in his mouth the wrong way round. It was so sweet. I should have taken it away from him, thrown it over the wall but there was this damndest look in his eyes, as if he was daring me to do just that. So I lit it. Yeah well... there are some situations in which I have never been too bright. I knew what would happen, of course I did, and when it happened I felt like the biggest fool.

And then he started to go on about me hating him and the feelin’ was buildin’ in me and I thought me heart would burst with keepin’ it in and I just had to keep putting me foot in it... just like I always do. Makin stupid jokes, tauntin’ him, daring him to turn away and then when he did... I couldn’t let him go. I grabbed his arm and suddenly there he was. So soft, so warm, so fragile. I wanted to crush him to me, to take possession of him in every way. I wanted to... to... but I just kissed him.

When he didn’t pull away my heart soared and I began to think that maybe, maybe he would... maybe he was... maybe... I let him go and he almost fell over but didn’t. He righted himself and stuck his chin out and the moon was behind him and... and suddenly I was babblin’, making a right eejit of meself. Me heart was pounding so hard I thought it was going to break out of me chest and me mouth was dry and me hands were sweatin’ and things kind o’ went downhill from dere.

It all went to shite except that... except... for a short time I held him in me arms and I kissed him and he kissed me back and I went to heaven. He was so soft, so yielding. He smelled fresh and his breath was like a salve to me soul. I couldn’t get enough of him and I forgot. I forgot everything... all me problems, me hang ups, me stupid pride... and I forgot how vulnerable he was, how innocent... until I got reminded in a way that showed me right and proper that he is not as fragile as he looks, not by a long way. He left me with tears in me eyes for more than one reason.

I felt like some kind of fool I can tell ya. I was a coward too because I couldn’t bear to go back to the party. I couldn’t face him, couldn’t believe what I fool I was, what an eejit I had been. I felt angry... with myself for being stupid, with my grandmother for bringing me here in the first place and even with Isaac for being so goddamn beautiful and so goddamn innocent. I felt stupid. I felt... lost, bereft. I would have cried but I was too stubborn. Instead I paced and I cursed and I raged.

When Grandma found me I was on the verge of leaving, of sneaking round the side and finding me own way back to the hotel. She was angry, angrier that I was.

“What did you do Connor O’Donnell? What did you do to that boy?”

“What boy? What are yer talking about?”

“Isaac. What did yer do to him?”

“Do? I didn’t do nothin’. Why? What did he say?” I was hurt and angry. It was the last thing I had expected... that Isaac would go running to me grandma. I had though better of him than that, was beginning to think that he was stronger than I had thought, that there was more to him that a beautiful face. I should have known. Everyone disappoints... in the end.

“It’s not what he said Connor. He said that it was all his fault, that he messed up.” I had to smile at that. Not so disappointing after all maybe. “Connor...” I looked up at the tone of her voice, puzzled why she sounded so sad as well as angry. “You’re a fine boy Connor. Ye know I have always thought you were more than yer seemed, that somewhere under all that bluff and fire yer had a good heart.

“I offered to take care o yer because I knew you had it in yer to come good, to be a good, strong man. But...”

I turned my face away. Here it comes. There is always a but. Yer a good boy Connor but... Yer could have gone places Connor but... Yer alright Connor but... I love yer Connor but... Tears burned my eyes and I couldn’t let her see it.

“Don’t yer realise what yer doin’ ter that boy? He collapsed yer know?”

“He... what? Is he alright?”

“He’s exhausted. Poor boy. He’s been through so much. It was all just... too much.” Her eyes were glittering, bright and shrewd. I turned me head away again. Too late. She saw too much. She put her hand on my arm. “He needs healing Connor, not to have his heart torn out by...”

“By someone like me.” I surprised even myself by the bitterness in my voice. I couldn’t help it; the words had to force themselves past the bile in my throat.

“Yer a good lad Connor. Ye have a good heart. Why do yer think I have taken so much of a shine to yer? When yer mother... when she asked me to help yer I could ha’ said no. I would have fer anyone else. But you... you’ve more gold in yer than yer think. But you’ve a long way to go. Yer need ter find yerself. Yer will. I have faith in yer but... Isaac... he’s...he’s untouched Connor, untainted...”

“And yer think that I’ll taint him.”

“Ye’ll hurt him Connor, ye’ll hurt the both o’yer and I don’t want ter see either of yer hurt.”

“I...” I finally manage to meet her eyes and she looks... more sad than angry now. “I... He’s not what I expected.”

“He’s not what any of us expected. He’s his mother’s son and she was always unexpected was Eileen. He’s as beautiful and as sweet and as wild as his mother. But he’s... not like us.”

That I had to agree with, not like us, not like anyone I have ever met. “I’ll try Grandma. I’ll try not to hurt either one of us but... I’ve never felt... never...”

“Be careful Connor. I’ll kill yer if yer hurt that boy again... and it will kill me if it hurts you.”

“Aye... well...” At that point I turned and walked away. I can bear a lot... at least a lot of abuse but that tone... as if she cared... that I can’t take in more than small doses. No one cares about Connor O’Donnell, not even himself.

Every day since then I have seen him. Sweet torture. We have exchanged pleasantries at various dinners and functions and he has never looked me in the eye, not once. What does that mean? I know now what happened that night. Was it me? Had I done that to him? Driven him over the edge? The edge of what? What does it mean? What does he think? What does he feel?

It is Thursday. We have been in this country for five days and I have been tortured in every one of them. I have just sat through the worst lunch ever. Oh the food was okay, so it was, not great but okay... what can you expect from a country pub on a Thursday? The conversation is... vanilla and the company...pleasant. It is just me, Declan, Jon, Sean and Isaac. A cosy, relaxed lunch in the country. Yeah like fuck. Cosy maybe, relaxed... HAH!!!

The tension is like a physical entity hanging over the table. The conversation is over bright and forced and Isaac hasn’t looked at me once. He hasn’t looked at anyone. He keeps his eyes down and doesn’t speak unless he is practically forced to. He looks unhappy. Jon and Sean are very protective of him and they keep sending me looks that are telling me in no uncertain terms that they consider me to be the cause of his unhappiness and they are not happy about it. No one is happy and they all think it’s my fault.

Ah feck... I can’t stand this any more. I get up and walk out without a word. There is a garden at the back of the pub and I light up whilst staring out over fields and fields of various crops and animals and breathe in the sweet scent of cow crap.

I close my eyes and draw deeply on my cigarette. I am smoking too much. My chest is sore with it... with something... but I am so tense, so up tight, so I am. This isn’t like me. I am usually the cool one, the distant one, the unaffected one. I don’t get touched, never get hurt because I don’t invest. I play a good game. I stand back and watch others making fools outa themselves and I don’t get involved in the play. And now....

Soft footsteps behind me make me groan inwardly. I am expecting another lecture so I don’t turn. It doesn’t really matter which one of them it is... they all have their own ways of saying the same things and I am so tired of listening to them. I wish they would all just leave me alone. I wish they would go away and let me be. I wish I could go home. I wish....

“I’m sorry.”

Feck! He’s the last person I expected. I am frozen. I am perched on the corner of a bench table and he is standing right besides me, so close I can smell him. I want... but I am frozen. There are so many emotions flooding me that I could no more identify any one of them than I could distinguish the individual drops of water in an ocean. Between them all I am held rigid. I can’t even draw me fag.

“I...”

I can feel his eyes bore into me. They are soft and uncertain. His whole body screams ‘uncertain’. I can sense his confusion which matches mine. He is as chaotic, as torn, as hurt but he is at least trying. I should speak. I should say... something. It’s not fair. It’s....

“You must be very angry. I would be. I... I didn’t mean to hurt you Connor. I panicked. I have never...” He stops with a sigh and I ache to touch him. I finally manage to turn my head and look at him. The sun is shining behind him and his eyes are glowing. In this bright light they don’t look so much black as a warm, liquid brown and I get lost in them.

“I must seem very... I don’t know... childish, stupid... naive. I don’t know how to act, what to say. I have never been in this situation. I have never kissed anyone, never... never... Connor I...” He turns away and for a moment I panic. I think he is going to walk away from me but he just walks to the edge of the patio and stares out over the fields. It is so quiet, as if everything is holding its breath.

“I don’t know what to say to you. I don’t really know how I feel because it’s all so new. I do know that... that if I... if I don’t say something, don’t at least try to make things right and if... if you leave and I never see you again... I do know that if that happens I will never forgive myself because... As new as I am to all this I know one thing. I have never felt about anyone, ever, the way I feel about you now. I don’t know what that is but... it’s strong Connor, really strong.”

There are tears in his voice. I can’t see his face but I can hear his pain. I recognise it... it’s the same as mine.

At last I am free to move. I flick the cigarette away and stand up. Isaac turns and I can see the tears glistening in his eyes, although he has not let them fall, not this time. They widen as I walk towards them, so big and so shiny I can see myself in the widening pupils. But I don’t. I don’t see myself. I don’t see the Connor O’Donnell that I know, the one who always fucks up, the one who doesn’t know his arse from his elbow when it comes to love. I see what he sees and I’m liking it.

This time when I kiss him I make sure I don’t press him too close, although I want to... I so want to. I make sure that he has room to move, to run if he wants to... but he doesn’t. This time it is Isaac who clings to me, who kisses me back with desperate intensity that leaves me breathless. This time it is he who takes possession of me and pours his light into my soul. I feel something open inside me, bright and sweet as a rose.

“Woah there tiger.” I have to come up for air some time. “Take it easy would ya? That’s a powerful hunger yer showing there boy. This is a public place ye know.”

Isaac looks at me with stars in his eyes and smiles a shy smile. I just have to brush that lock of hair away. It bounces back almost immediately. It is almost impossibly cute... just like him.

“I thought I’d blown it.”

“So did I. Ah feck Isaac you’re the most beautiful creature I have ever laid me eyes on, so ye are.” I can’t believe it. He’s only blushing! Could he get any cuter? Feck if he doesn’t stop it I’m gonna take him here and now on this blasted table, right here. Only... I can’t let him... I can’t let him think... “And I’m the biggest fool that ever walked the earth. But... ye should know Isaac... I’m not... I’m not like yer. I’m a bastard so I am. Trouble follows me like a bad smell though I don’t go looking fer it... and I’ve left a chain of broken hearts behind me a mile long. Boys, girls, it didn’t matter... picked up and thrown away without a second thought. Sometimes for fun and sometimes because I just couldn’t be arsed... but you...

“Yer shouldn’t trust me yer know. I break hearts more easily that I break a sweat. And trust me, I’m bollixing meself in saying that because you... you Isaac... I’ve never felt... never let anyone get so far under me skin. I’m crazy mad for yer, so I am and I don’t know what to do wi’ meself.”

“Do? Why not do this?” This kiss... ah this kiss is sweet, the sweetest kiss I have ever had. His hand touches me hair and his tongue touches me lips and his soul touches me soul and... I sigh.

“Ah now. That’s sweet me darlin’... sweet so it is. But life has a way of crushing the sweetness out of us soon enough. There has to be more.”

Isaac takes a half step back and my hand falls away from his waist, releasing him. He catches it as it falls and holds on. His eyes are shining like the sun on the water and his smile is so bright. There is a look in his eyes that tells me what he wants me to know. There is no need for words but he says them anyway.

“There’s more.”

We climb up onto the table and sit there side by side, our feet on the seat and our fingers laced together. Such a little touch, such a little thing but it fills me to the brim... mind body and soul. Isaac sighs and shifts a little so he can rest his head on my shoulder. I turn my face to bury it in all that soft hair, dark as shadow, and it smells of roses, sweet English roses. I am too full.