Death is Not an Option - 9. Chapter 9

When I first saw Isaac, with all the tubes and wires and machines, I thought I was going to die. I thought that my heart would stop and I would die. If Jacob hadn’t been there I think I might have, but he was so strong, so brave. He must have been shocked too. He must have been hurting as much as I was... well almost as much but his only concern was for me and I was do grateful.

When I started talking to Katie about the way I felt about Isaac I didn’t think about Jacob. Maybe if I had I wouldn’t have said what I did. I knew how Jacob felt about me and I guess I always knew that we would eventually end up being together but I didn’t want to make it quite to obvious to Jacob that he was second choice, second best. I am sure he knew it but still....

Katie was a star. She was really honest with me and I needed that. I knew anyway, from her face, her eyes, her voice. I knew that she thought he was going to die. I thought it too. I still do... at least I fear it. I am too afraid to hope, to believe that he is going to be alright.

The nurses have been so kind. Not just Katie, all of them. They brought another chair and a stool. Jacob made me take the comfortable one and he tucked me up in a blanket even though it’s really warm in here. He curled up in the other chair. Even so he was asleep before I was... I haven’t slept at all. I have sat here all night, listening, being one minute hopeful and the next full of dread.

I have listened to the sound of the machines all night. The hissing, the beeping, the clicking and I have imagined what they mean. I have imagined that I have heard them change a hundred times. Maybe I have but I don’t know what that means. I don’t know what any of it means. I don’t know if it is supposed to beep faster or slower or if it matters. I just know that every time something changes I freak out inside.

There is always a nurse here, sitting in a chair on the other side of the bed. I know why. I know it is because something bad could happen at any time and there needs to be someone here to act quickly. I also know, from what Katie said, and what she didn’t say, that if it does happen then it doesn’t matter who’s here... it will be the end. That is why, every time the nurse moves, every time she gets up and checks on Isaac, my heart stops.

It is past nine o’clock in the morning, more than 24 hours. Katie said that if nothing changed in 24 hours then he isn’t going to get better. I can’t bear to ask. I am too afraid. The nurse who is here now is very nice, as they all are, but she isn’t Katie and she answers all my questions, at least the difficult ones, by telling me that I should ask the doctor.

I can’t bear to lie here any more. It is too hot and I am too wound up. I am surprised by how stiff I am. Sleeping in a chair is never good for the joints and not sleeping in one seems to be even worse. I ache all over and it is heaven to stretch my aching muscles. I am as quiet as possible. I don’t want to wake Jacob who is fast asleep. The nurse looks up and smiles at me. I walk to the side of the bed and look down at Isaac. He looks so peaceful, so much more peaceful than I am. My mind is in chaos. I run my eyes over the equipment. Everything looks the same but I wouldn’t know. I am too afraid to ask.

“When will Katie be here?”

“Are you so sick of my company?” The nurse sounds amused and not offended and so I am emboldened to say.

“No, but you don’t answer my questions, she does.”

“Ah. What are your questions this morning?”

“The same as they were last night. How is he?”

“The same. No better no worse.”

I feel as though she has plunged a knife into my heart. It is more than 24 hours and he is still the same. Katie said... no, I can’t start thinking like that. Katie isn’t here. When she comes she will be able to tell me properly. This nurse doesn’t know. This nurse isn’t Katie.

“What’s the matter?”

She sounds so kind, so concerned. I can’t bear it. Something is hurting me deep inside, a huge pressure in my chest that is rising to choke me. I try to speak but no words come. I try to look at Isaac but I can't see him through the curtain of tears. I panic. I can’t see him. If I can’t see him I will lose him. I can’t lose him. I can’t.

“Ruth, is everything alright? Are you alright Ruth?”

Alright? Of course I’m not alright. I came here yesterday to take my friend home. I came here full of hope and now... now... I am facing the hardest thing I have ever had to face. I thought I had lost Isaac once, then I thought I had found him and now... now...

“Yes. Yes thank you. I’m fine. It’s just... I was hoping.... Katie said that if... if he wasn’t more stable in 24 hours it was more likely he would... that he would... not get better.”

“More likely, yes; inevitable, no. That’s the thing with a condition like Isaac’s, it’s unpredictable. He could go down hard and fast with no warning and no coming back, or he could improve just as fast and come out of it as if nothing had happened. And then there are all the possibilities in between. There is a reason why I am so non committal in the answers I give to your questions and why Katie should have been the same. When we say we don’t know we mean it. Anything is possible at this stage of the game and it is impossible to put time limits on it.

“Isaac is young and strong. He is a fighter, that much is clear. He has been through a lot and he has a lot to look forwards to. You can be hopeful Ruth. It’s okay to be hopeful. It’s okay to be afraid too, of course it is, but it is better to stay positive because Isaac will know. He will feel it.

“If you are afraid then talk to him. Be positive for him and it will help you. Sometimes when we say positive things the act of saying them makes us believe them. It is a psychological trick that often works. It won’t do any harm, not to you and not to Isaac.”

“Okay. I’ll try.”

“The doctor will be around in an hour or so and he will be able to give you more information. Until then try to keep calm and focussed. I’m sure it will make a difference to Isaac, whatever happens next.

I am aware of Jacob stirring behind me but I ignore him, he can take care of himself. It is hard to touch Isaac, hard to take his hand and curl my fingers around it, hard because it is so limp and unresponsive. Isaac is never unresponsive, even when the response is not always what I would have wanted. He is so expressive, so emotional and now there is nothing, nothing at all. It is hard to believe that he is still alive. He is so still, so unmoving. And I can’t even rely on the fact that he is breathing because he isn’t doing it himself. The only thing that tells me he is still holding on is the beeping of the monitors, the ever changing numbers on the screens and I am afraid of them, I can’t rely on them because I am terrified they will show me something I don’t want to see.

“Isaac. This is hard. This is really hard because I am scared. You have no idea how scared I am..... although maybe you do. I suppose you were scared too... a lot of times but mostly when Caleb came. Katie told me you were very brave and so I have to try and be brave too. And I am trying. I am trying very hard but... Zac, I knew you would leave me eventually, you were always too big for the community and I am too small for the world, but not this way, my love, please not this way.

“I need to know you are safe and happy. I can’t let you go until I know you are okay. Help me here. I know you are strong, like everyone keeps telling me, but I know that sometimes that is not enough. This time it has to be enough, you have to make it enough. Please Zac, please come back to me, even if it’s only for a while. I need you, I need you so much. You are the thing that makes my life whole. Without you there will be a hole in my soul that will never heal.

“Do you remember that time when I fell in the river? We had sneaked away and I wouldn’t let you go for help. I told you that whatever happened we had to fix it by ourselves, and we did... well you did. You broke a branch off the tree and hauled me out just before I passed out from the cold. Then you took off your coat and wrapped it around me and held me close to your body to keep me warm while we sneaked back again. You were the one who got sick and they all gave you a hard time about it because they knew you had sneaked off. You never told them it was all because of me, you did it all alone.

“Well I was wrong that time. You should have gone for help, because I could so easily have been swept away. There are things we just can't do by ourselves. You don’t have to be by yourself right now either. I know it probably seems like that. You seem to be so far away but you’re not, you’re right here with me, with us all. We’re all here for you. Me, Jacob, Katie, everyone. Let us help you.

“I know you’re going to be alright. I just know it. Deep down in my heart, in my soul. You told me you have lost your faith. I can understand that, of course I can, but faith is more than a belief in some external God. Faith is about belief and you can believe in all sorts of things. Believe in me Zac. I am here and my strength is yours. And believe in yourself. I know you can do this. You are the strongest person I know and that isn't just physical because there are lots of people in the community who are stronger than you like that... Jay is, we’ve proved that lots of times, even though you hate to admit it. I mean inside. Inside you are the strongest ever, no one comes close. You are strong and brave and good. That has to count for something. Have faith in yourself Zac and have faith in me.

“I don’t know what to say to you that will make any difference. You know what you have to do. You know we are here for you. You know what we feel, what we think of you. The rest is down to you. I can talk to you. I can tell you all the things you know, over and over but, at the end there is only one person who can bring you through this and that’s you. You have to want to and I know you do.... at least I hope so. I know you didn’t. I know you wanted to die but that was before. You have to have changed now... don’t you?

“I need to know that you are fighting this. I need to know that you are not going to just slip away and leave me here with a hole in my soul. I know that Jay will take care of me but without you there will always be something missing, something lost, something broken. Please Zac... please come back to me.”

I feel Jacob come up behind me and put his arm around my shoulder. I know he understands. He doesn’t feel quite the same way but, nevertheless he understands.

“I’m scared Jay.”

“Me too. But... I guess Zac’s even more scared. You know what he’s like... meeting everything head on, always having to know all the answers, be in control. This must be so hard for him. I reckon I would rather be in our position than his.”

“You’re right. You always put things in perspective don’t you? You’re good for me Jay, you always have been.”

“I try. You know what you mean to me Ruth.”

“Yeah... I know Jay. I just wish....”

“Sssh. It’s alright. I know. I know it’s all about Zac and that’s okay. I can wait.”

“You’re amazing. Do you know that?” I look up at him. His eyes are enormous. I have never realised quite how blue they are. Not dark and brooding like Caleb’s, not even baby blue like mine but electric blue, like the summer sky. When they smile they glow. They are not glowing now, they are swimming with tears that are very near the surface. He will not let them fall... he is not all about emotion like Isaac, he keeps them firmly in check most of the time. The fact that he is so close to revealing them says a lot for the strength of his feelings.

He smiles a tight smile and hugs me close. I feel safe, safer than I have ever felt before. Isaac never made me feel safe, he is dangerous, exciting, never safe. It suddenly hits me... Caleb is gone, gone forever. The community is going to change. It is going to change beyond recognition and we will be the ones who change it, us and everyone else working together, not being dictated to but learning to master our own destiny. I shiver. It is a terrifying thought but exciting.

And through it all Jacob will be there, right beside me, taking the safe road, making the right decisions. Not Isaac. He would be all for taking risks, grabbing opportunities. He would push too far too fast, just like always. Another realisation hits me. Zac won’t be coming back. No matter what. Maybe he will come to the community for a while until he can find somewhere else to go but he will never come back to us... he can’t. After what he has been through he will be even less able to take the safe road.

If he came back to the community he would want everything to change, he would need everything to change, and change fast. Through guilt because of what they have done to him, everyone would try his way, would try to change and it would be disastrous. He knows that, of course he does, he’s Zac, and Zac knows these things. So he won’t come back, not really, not for long.

The realisation lances through my heart like a spear and I crumble. I sit down heavily on the bench at the side of the bed and Jacob, startled sits besides me and puts both arms around me as I sob into his shoulder. The nurse comes over and crouches down in front of me. She brushes the hair out of my face.

“Are you alright Ruth? What’s wrong? What happened?”

“I.... I.... I’m okay.... I.... it’s just.... I thought... I ...”

“Alright, calm down. Take deep breaths and relax. That’s the way, just relax and breathe.”

I can’t speak, I just manage to nod my head, hiccupping. The nurse smiles. She has nice eyes, brown like chocolate. She is smiling at me. She doesn’t know, she couldn’t know how much it hurts to realise that the person you love most in all the world, more than life itself is going to leave you. Of course I have always known it, it’s always been there in the back of my mind always been part of the background of my relationship with Isaac but.... but it has never been so real, so imminent. I always knew it would be some day but now... now the day has almost come I can’t bear it. I can’t....

“I can’t.... I can’t.... bear it.”

“It’s alright Ruth. I know it’s hard. But he’ll be alright. I’m sure he’ll be alright.”

“No.... it’s not that.... not just that. It’s..... it’s.... He... he’s never really fitted in at the community, always too.... too big for it. I... always knew he was going to leave me. I always knew but... but.... now.... With Caleb gone everything is going to change. He will know.... Zac will know that.... that.... he... he... won’t be able to stay. He won’t be able to.... to... He will know that if he stay he will... will force the change... will make it.... make it.... make it go...wrong so he.... he won’t... he won’t stay. I know he won’t stay. It..... it... doesn’t matter what... what happens to... to him here....I’m going to lose him.”

“Oh Ruth. It will be alright. Isaac is your friend. He loves you. He won’t hurt you.”

“Yes he will. I’ve always known he would. It’s just... just that... until now.... it was easy to... to pretend that it would never happen. It was too... too far away, too remote. I love him and.... and I know.... I know that in his way he ... he loves me too. But he won’t stay, he can't stay.”

“I’ll stay Ruth. You know that too. I will always be beside you.”

“Oh Jay, I know. I know this is hard for you too. I know it and I... I don’t want to make this hard for you too. I know it is. I know you...”

“No, you don’t know. You don’t know what it’s like to love someone so much it consumes your every waking moment and see them every day knowing they are feeling the same way for someone else. You don’t know what it’s like to snatch moments, beg crumbs from the table. You don’t know what it’s like to know that no matter what happens you will always be second best.

“I have tried to hate you... and I have tried to hate him. But I can’t. I can’t hate either of you...I love you both too much. So I have ended up hating myself. Hating myself for being too weak to walk away. Hating myself for not being good enough to be first in your heart. Hating myself because I know that no matter what happens I will always be here, begging for crumbs.”

“Jay... oh my god. I never.... I never knew. I never thought. It’s not like that. It was never like that. I love you with all my heart. You never had to beg for crumbs with me. You are...”

“Second best Ruth. I am, always have been and always will be second best.”

“But that’s not.... that’s not....” But it is. I can’t tell him it’s not. I can’t tell him that he isn’t second best because he’s right... he is and he always will be. And yet he is still here. After all this time he is still here and he always will be.

“Oh Jay... Jay... you’re not weak. You’re strong. You’re the strongest of all of us, always have been. I so wish I could say to you that you are wrong, that you are first in my heart but... but that wouldn’t be honest and I can’t not be honest with you.”

“I appreciate that Ruth, I really do. And I understand. I have always understood. There’s no way I could ever compete with Zac, not for you, not for anyone. I have no illusions about that. I’m ordinary, as ordinary as they get. No, don’t argue, I know it. I’m steady and reliable and strong and ordinary. And Zac is anything but. He’s exciting and dangerous and impulsive and ....”

He sighs. “There’s no getting away from it...he’s beautiful. I’ll never be beautiful, not like him. I’m a mongrel and he’s a thoroughbred; I’m a puddle and he’s an ocean; I’m a spark and he’s an inferno....no a blazing star. There is no way I can compete with that... no way I could ever compete with that.”

“It’s not a matter of competing Jacob, it never was. You’re very different. There’s nothing to compare so how can you compete?”

“I know. I suppose I have always felt as if.... I don’t know... as if I live in his shadow. And after what happened, the way everyone feels about it... that shadow’s got a whole lot bigger.”

“Are you jealous of him?”

“Jealous? I don’t know. In some ways.... maybe. I wouldn’t want to be him. It’s not easy being Zac, especially not now. Maybe I am a little envious of the effect he has on everyone and I know I am envious of the effect he has on you. But no... no I don’t think I am jealous... just... resigned.”

“Jay.... there’s nothing I can say to you. You are the best. In some ways you are so much stronger than Zac. He is always searching and you have never needed to search. He is restless and you are settled, he is frustrated and you are calm, he is confused and you are certain, he is the wind and you are the rock beneath my feet. Yes, he has swept me away. Yes he has raged through my life like a whirlwind and knocked my feet from under me. But the reason I could let him, the only reason I could go with him was because you were there anchoring me. I always knew he would leave and I always knew you would stay.”

“And I always will. You will never be alone Ruth, I swear it.”

He is sincere. I can tell he is sincere. He has always been sincere, and I have been such a fool. I try to smile but I can’t look him in the eye. I am ashamed. He takes my chin and raises my face so that I have to look up at him.

“Don’t. It’s alright. It’s always been alright. It always will be. I love you. I will wait for you. One day you will be mine and only mine and then I will show you what is really here, in my heart. Then I will be first in yours.”

“I’m sure of it.”

The nurse has already moved, I think she was embarrassed by the intensity of our conversation. She is smiling at us from her chair. I feel suddenly very embarrassed.

I don’t have much time to feel anything thought because something is happening, something has changed. The nurse stands up and checks the equipment. I don’t need to understand them to know that something is wrong. I can tell from her face if not from the sound. I have spent all night listening to them, worrying about them, imagining them change, heart aching over whether or not they have slightly changed... I have listened too hard not to notice this.

“What’s happening?”

The nurse looks up and smiles although it is a somewhat shaky smile. “It’s alright. Stay with him, I’ll be back in a few moments.”

“No. Don’t leave us. Don’t....” But she has gone. I have never felt so alone, so vulnerable, so helpless. Isaac is shivering, and even as I watch he starts shaking all over.

“Jacob... Jacob what can we do, what’s happening?”

“I don’t know. It doesn’t look good.”

“No.” I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do. I lean over Isaac and stroke his hair, putting my hands either side of his face. “It’s alright Isaac, it’s okay. It’s going to be alright. I’m here. I’m here with you. It’s alright, I’m here.”

For a moment nothing happens but suddenly it is like an electric shock goes through him. His head slams back into the pillow and his back arches as if he is in terrible pain and his hands are bunched into fists, clawing at the bedclothes. I leap backwards terrified, more terrified than I have ever been. Jacob catches me and tries to pull me in, to shield my face, but I struggle away from him.

Isaac’s mouth and throat are working as if he is trying to speak, trying to get rid of the breathing tube, his head is jerking from side to side as his whole body writhes and shakes. Is he dying? Is this it? Is he going to die, right here, right now?

The nurse comes back with Dr Marsden and she comes to me while he bends over Isaac. His voice is surprisingly gentle. I don’t like Dr Marsden. He is a harsh man and he scares me but, right now he is so gentle with Isaac.

“Easy now. Easy son.”

The nurse is drawing me away and I hardly notice what she is doing until the door closes and I can’t see them any more. No. No.... I can’t..

“Please, I can’t.... I can’t... I have to be there. Please let me be there. I don’t want him to be alone. I don’t want him to die alone.”

“He’s not dying Ruth. He’s fighting. He’s shaking off the drugs and fighting.”

“Is.... is that good?”

“It could be.”

“Could be?”

“Could?”

“His heart is still unstable. The stress might be too much for it.”

“Oh no... no... then I have to speak to him. I have to tell him to stop.”

“Don’t worry. Dr Marsden is very good. He will take care of Isaac and when he’s finished you can go back in.”

“I don’t think I can bear it.”

“Of course you can. You can bear anything. You have friends around you.”

“Help me.... please... I... I can’t.... I’m so scared.” My mind is complete chaos. The only picture it can hold is the last image of Isaac and the belief that he is dying. No matter what the nurse says I can’t shake that. It had frightened me so much it is burned into my mind and my heart.

I am hyperventilating, I know it but I can’t stop. I can’t calm down, I can’t control my body. The nurse presses me down into a chair and crouches in front of me. She is speaking to me but I can’t hear what she is saying. Her face is concerned and gentle but I can’t see it, all I can see is Isaac.

Then I look up and see Jacob over her shoulder. He is as white as a sheet, his eyes enormous. He is as scared as I am but he is not freaking out, he is concerned, concerned for me. His eyes, as scared as they are, are full of light and love and all for me. It is this and nothing more that gets through to me and calms me down. I can’t let him down. With everything else he is going through I can’t add worrying about me to that.

I smile at him and am rewarded by the brightest smile. I have never noticed what a nice smile he has before. He has always been ‘just Jacob’ just a friend, just a mate, just someone who hung around with Zac and me. Suddenly I remembered the day he decided to tell the truth; the righteous anger burning in his eyes, the determination, the courage. It was still there when Caleb brought him back, already half unconscious. It was still there when they beat him, still there when he spoke up to the others when they started to crack, when he told them that the pain in his back was nothing compared to the pain in his heart from what he had done and allowed to be done.

I am confused. I don’t know how I feel. I am raw and shaky and I have no idea what I want or how I feel. What I do know is that Jacob is a whole lot more than I had thought him to be and he doesn’t deserve the way I have been treating him.

“I’m sorry Jay.” He looks confused.

“What do you mean? What are you sorry about?”

“I’m just sorry. I haven’t been very nice to you for a very long time and I should have been.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I don’t know. I just needed you to know that I realise what a great person you are and I’m sorry I haven’t realised it before.”

“You’re nuts.”

“Seems so.”

The nurse is smiling, patting me on the shoulder and then she gets to her feet. “You be alright now?”

“Yes. Sorry about that. I’m okay.”

She smiles again and then slips back into the room. I feel lost. Suddenly I am embarrassed to be left with Jacob. Suddenly things have changed and I really don’t know where that leaves us. I look at the floor, scuffing it with the toe of my shoe.

“Um... You okay?”

“Yes. Fine, thank you. Just wish I knew what is going on in there.”

“You and me both. Do you think he is... do you think he... he might be...?”

“Yes. That’s what I’m afraid of. I am just so scared that something will happen when he’s alone.”

“He’s not alone. The doctor and the nurse are with him.”

“You know what I mean. It’s not the same as having us with him.”

“No. It isn’t the same, not the same at all.”

He takes me in his arms and holds me close and he is so strong, so very strong, inside and out. I feel an overwhelming sense of security. It feels safe and secure with him, as if, for as long as I hold on to him and he holds on to me everything will be alright.

It seems like it has been a very long time that we have been standing here, clinging to each other in the corridor. But then every moment has seemed to have lasted a lifetime. Time has no meaning here. It is a world of doubt and fear, a world where ordinary time has gone stale and stagnant and crawls stinking through the corridors, occasionally eddying in a breeze of hope or terror.

When the door opens I leap a foot into the air, it scares me so much. The doctor and nurse are in deep conversation and, at first it seems as though they don’t even notice us.

“I’ll look in on him later this afternoon. If the stats remain stable we’ll extubate but I want to keep him under until the morning, give him a chance to show us he can maintain respiration with a steady base rate. Call me if anything changes, I’m still concerned about the low BP and oxygen saturation. I’m not convinced he’s up to this but if he wants to show us he can then the least we can do is let him try, but the minute he starts to slip he’s going back under.”

“Yessir. I’ll keep a close eye on him.”

The doctor seems to notice me and gives me a warm smile before he strides away down the corridor.

“Did you understand what Dr Marsden was saying Ruth? Jacob?”

“Understand? He didn’t seem to be speaking the same language.”

The nurse laughs. “I suppose in a way it is a different language. Sit down and I’ll try to explain.”

“Is Zac okay? He’s not... not....?”

“Isaac is fine, he’s a very strong boy and full of surprises. Because of the problems with his heart the doctor didn’t want to sedate him too deeply.... that is give too many drugs to make him sleep. We thought that we had given him more than enough to keep him asleep for a long time but he surprised us all by somehow managing to begin to shake the effects. When he started coming round he became aware of the breathing tube which is really quite uncomfortable and, because he wasn’t awake enough to really know what was going on, and I suppose because his last memory was of Caleb attacking him, he came up fighting.”

“That’s good isn’t it?”

“Not really. The reason he was asleep in the first place was to take the stress off his heart. Fighting stressed him more than ever.”

“Oh no. Did it...did it hurt him?”

“Fortunately no. In fact it helped him... at least it helped us to see that he can sustain a level of stress without arresting.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means that his heart is not as fragile as we were afraid it might be. It isn’t going to stop when it gets stressed. Dr Marsden felt it would be better, because he is still unstable, for Isaac to get some more rest before we let him wake up. So we’ve put him back to sleep, a deeper sleep just for now. Dr Marsden will come back later this afternoon and, if Isaac’s vital signs have stabilised he will take out the breathing tube and see if he can breathe on his own without affecting his heart. If he remains stable overnight we’ll let him wake up in the morning.”

“And what then?”

“Then we’ll see.”

“Does this mean that.... does it mean that he is... that he is....”

“It’s a promising sign Ruth. It doesn’t necessarily mean that he is going to get better but it is a promising sign. I told you, have faith. What will be will be.”

“I know but it is so hard. It is terrible not knowing. That’s what I can’t bear. I just can’t stand watching him, listening to the machines and waiting for them to falter, for something to go wrong. I can’t bear it. I need to know.” Even to me I sound whining but the nurse just smiles.

“I know it’s hard but sometimes there just are no answers other than wait and see. Isaac is strong, he’s proved that today. He is fighting and he wants to come back to you. The signs are more promising than they were this time yesterday. That’s all I can say.”

I am almost too afraid to go back into the room. I was so frightened when he freaked out that now it is almost as if he is a different person, a scary one, one who is unpredictable and could do anything at any time.

He looks just the same, just as peaceful, just as beautiful but something has changed. It is subtle but nevertheless it is there. As I stand here looking down at him, thinking that I have never seen anyone so beautiful, so flawless, so perfect, it is not his hand I reach for, it is Jacob’s.

The day is wearing on. It has been the longest day of my life. Katie came on shift an hour ago and she came to see us. She was delighted about what happened although, when she checked up on Isaac she was less enthusiastic. I took that to mean that he is not so stable after all. She didn’t say anything but her expression made that gnawing fear that had been quiet for hours now wake again and re start it’s chewing on my stomach.

She must have read my expression and she put her hand on my shoulder and smiled. “It’s okay Ruth. Don’t look so worried.”

“How can I help but be worried. Last night you told me that if he was still unstable in 24 hours he was going to die and here we are way more than 24 hours later and he’s still as unstable as ever. I don’t really know what that means but I hear you talking, I mean all the nurses and the doctor, and I see your face when you look at the readouts and when you look at him. I don’t know what to think any more.”

“I have to admit that he is not as steady as I had expected and hoped. However, there is unstable and unstable. Isaac’s heart has slowed and steadied. There are other things which are not so stable and which are concerning but... he’s not in the danger he was in last night. I think you can have hope Ruth, if nothing else.”

“Do you think the doctor will take him off the machine this afternoon?”

“I can't say. If it was me... probably not. But it isn’t down to me so we will have to wait and see.”

“I don’t know how I feel about it. I want Zac to be better, to come off the machine and wake up but... but I am afraid. I’m so afraid that if they do take him off it he will fail and .... and.”

“Don't worry. If Dr Marsden does take him off the machine then we will keep a very close eye on him and if he shows any signs of getting stressed again or if his breathing fails then we just take a step back. It doesn’t always have to be all or nothing. We will take excellent care of him Ruth, I promise.”

“I know that. I do know it.... it’s just.... I’m tired Katie, tired and scared and ... and I suppose I have lost perspective.”

“Then go and take a break. Nothing is going to happen for a while. Go down to the canteen, have a walk in the grounds, call home, do anything to get you away from here. A break, something to eat, some fresh air... you will be surprised how much better you will feel.”

“I... I don’t know. I... don’t want to leave him.”

“You’re not ‘leaving’ him, you’re just taking time for yourself and making yourself stronger for him.”

“Alright. I know you’re right and that you’ll look after him. I’ll go. But you’ll call me when... if anything happens.”

“I promise.”