Death is Not an Option - 7. Chapter 7

It is dark. For the first time since I came here I wake feeling warm and comfortable. There is no pain, no confusion. Without opening my eyes I sigh deeply, sinking back into the soft comfort of the pillows.

Someone moves but I think nothing of it. There is always someone in here, nurses. It was probably she who woke me. They are always doing something, taking my pulse and temperature, waking me up to take my blood pressure then asking if I need something to help me sleep.... yeah... peace.

The thought makes me smile and I feel myself begin to slide towards sleep again.

“Hello Isaac.” I am instantly awake. That is not a nurse. That sounds like....

He is standing over me a look of twisted pleasure on his face. He is wearing a long dark coat and a hat.... as if that could ever disguise him to anyone who knows him. He is unmistakable and suddenly I am very frightened.

“What do you want?” I am aware that my hands are clenched into fists and I carefully turn over onto my back, my muscles preparing themselves to fight or flee.

“I have just come for a visit Isaac. I would have expected a better welcome, considering you have triumphed. Are you not eager to gloat?”

“No. I.... nothing that happened was down to me.”

“Do you not think so? I beg to differ. I would suggest that it is ALL down to you. You have never been good for us. There is a darkness about you that pollutes everything you touch. You have corrupted the community and clouded their judgement. You are the instrument of their downfall Isaac. Without me they cannot survive.”

“I don’t believe you. They are stronger than that. The community is more than just one person, any person, even you.”

“Fool. The community is full of weak people, fools who couldn’t make it in the real world. They are all running from reality, hiding from responsibility, from life. For twenty years I have accepted that responsibility for them, I have taken care of them, I have taken care of all the hard things, the detail so all they had to do was live the life they wanted. They are sheep and without their shepherd they are nothing.”

“That’s not true. There are strong people there, they will manage. No, they will make it better because there won’t be you holding them back.”

“Foolish boy. You have NO idea what is entailed in managing something that big. There is more to the community than working the land... far more. I have protected them all, from the paperwork, the taxes, the lawyers, the interference from outsiders. They cannot survive without me.”

“You are wrong.”

“I would like to say that you will see for yourself how foolish you are, how wrong. I would love you to watch your precious friends flounder and fail but unfortunately you won’t be there.”

“How do you know? If they are in trouble maybe I will stay, help them. I can do the paperwork, deal with outsiders, lawyers. You have already taught me most of it yourself. I can figure out the rest.”

“I am sure you could. But, as I said, you will not be there.”

There is something in the way he says it that frightens me even more. Already my fear is taking control, no matter how hard I try to fight it. My mouth is dry, my body tense to the point that my muscles are cramping and my heart is beating so hard and so fast I can feel it pounding in my head. I can’t lose it now. I can’t give him the satisfaction of knowing how badly he is scaring me.

“What do you know?”

“I know many things Isaac. I know far more about you than you think I do, more than I have told you and, right now I know something very important about you that you have no idea about, not yet.”

“What’s that?”

“All in good time. For now content yourself with the knowledge that your friends are going to fail, fail utterly and there is nothing you can do to prevent it. I will make sure that things become difficult for them very quickly. There are things that I can tell the authorities that will have the community shut down in days.”

“You can’t go to the authorities. If you do you will be arrested.”

“Maybe I can’t go to them in person but I can send others. I can make anonymous calls. I can do a lot of damage to your precious community Isaac, and I will.”

“But why? What have they done to deserve it?”

“They turned their back on me. I have given them my life, everything I have. And what have they given to be in return.... betrayal. They turned on me, were ready to hand me over to the police and all because of you.”

“Me? It wasn’t all because of me. You were the one who attacked that girl. You were the one who was guilty and you had no problem betraying me. You didn’t care about handing me over to the police and I hadn’t done anything.”

It is getting difficult to breath. My heart is beating so hard it is hurting me, a heavy pressure on a chest that is heaving, panting. Am I such a coward? How can I let him get to me like this? He is grinning at me and I can see that he knows what is happening. He is mocking me. He thinks I am a coward and I am acting like one. It is as if my fear is a physical entity, taking over my body, crushing it.

I close my eyes and try to take deep breaths, to calm my breathing and my pounding heart. I try to clear my mind where thoughts are crawling painfully slowly. But I can’t. My chest is a wall of pain, my mind a maelstrom of confusion. Between the two I cannot think. I cannot.... wait.... wait.... something’s not right about this... something... something.... I am not a coward, have never been this afraid, never lost control so badly.

My body is as tense as a spring and I can’t relax the muscles. I can’t control my breathing, can’t stop the painful throb of my heart. This is not fear.... this is not... this is not... me.

I open my eyes and look up. He is smiling at me. “How are you feeling Isaac? Not so good?

“What.... what have you done? What have you done to me?” I can barely speak, my words come out in panting gasps, dry as dust, little more than whispers. I have no breath to speak.

“Now, now Issac. You sound as though you think it is a bad thing. I have brought you a gift. A priceless, precious gift. It is something that you have so badly wanted. You tried to find it for yourself but, as with everything else you do, you failed. I thought that I would help you. That my last act as head of your community would be to bring you to yours.”

“No.... no... I... I... Help... me.”

“I am helping you Isaac. I am helping you to die.”

Now the fear is overpowering. I try to cry out, to call for help but I can’t. I have to fight to breathe and the pain in my chest is crushing, with every beat my heart hurts. My head is pounding and it is almost as hard to think.

“No... no...”

“Don’t fight it Isaac. It will make it hurt more. Try to relax. It will be over very soon. And don’t try to scream... it just won’t work.”

He raises his hand. Glass glints darkly. He smiles then sits on the bed, putting the syringe down next to him. His face changes, softens and he strokes my hair.

“You are very beautiful Isaac, so like your mother.” My mother? “She was mine. She was meant to be mine and she was mine, until that bastard stole her away from me.” He grimaces. He is talking about my father. “He came to the community full of city manners in a flash car and fancy clothes. He sweet talked her and before I knew it she was gone. He stole her away in the night. I went after her but she wouldn’t come back with me.” His hand in buried in my hair and it clenches into a fist. The pain is nothing, nothing compared to the pain in the rest of my body. It feels as if every muscle is beginning to cramp, to seize. The heart is a muscle isn’t it? Is that why mine feels like it is going to burst out of my chest?

“I loved her. Even then, even after she left I still loved her. She had promised, sworn to me that she was mine, that she would never leave me and then... then she was gone.

“For three years I mourned her and then, one day, out of the blue she came back. I remember I was working in the fields. I looked up and there she was, running towards me, her long hair streaming out behind her like a shadow, her eyes shining. She threw herself into my arms and wept against my shoulder.

“She told me that she had married her city boy but then lost him in a terrible accident. She was pregnant and distraught. She said she had no one else to turn to, nowhere else to go. She said she had never forgotten me, she begged me to take her back, to let her stay with me.... and I did.

“I loved her but I hated her at the same time. I hated her for breaking my heart. I hated her for leaving. I hated her for coming back and I hated her because I was too weak to turn her away.”

I don’t want to listen to what he is saying. Never mind the pain in my body, his words are causing me intolerable pain in my soul. I had believed that both my parents were members of the community. I had never known my mother had left, that my father was an outsider. No wonder Caleb hates me.

“When you were born she adored you, idolised you. She wanted us to be one happy little family. All children belong to the community but you belonged to her and she would never relinquish you, not even to me. I knew why. You were all she had left of that city bastard. You reminded her of your father and she could not bear to share that. And that was fine by me. I hated you too.

“She wanted to play happy families. She was ready enough to lie in my bed and she took care of me in her way but her life revolved around you. You were all she really cared about, all she wanted. You stole her from me just as surely as your father had before you. And not only that but your birth destroyed her health. She struggled on for almost four years before you killed her.

“When she died part of me died with her and ever since I have watched you grow, watched you grow more and more like her. Reminding me every time I look at you what I lost. I loved her. She is the only woman I have ever loved and you took her away from me. I can’t bear to look at you. I can’t bear the sound of your voice... it is too like hers. Most of all I can’t stand your mind. It is like quicksilver. You never have to try. You grasp the most difficult concepts and twist them. You are constantly challenging, constantly questioning and I can’t keep up with you. You make me doubt myself and that is the worst thing anyone could do to me.

“I hate you Isaac, I have always hated you. It was easy for me to hand you over to the authorities. I never had any intention of saving you. I wanted you to be blamed, I wanted you to be locked away forever. I never wanted to see your face again. When they told me what you had done I was glad. I wanted you to die. I wanted it so badly... but you didn’t, did you?

“Not only did you not die you managed to turn the whole community against me. You took away from me everything I ever cared about. Elaina, my honour, my home. You are evil Isaac.”

He bends close, his hands each side of my face, staring deeply into my eyes. My body is shaking, my back arched, the muscles contracted, screaming with pain. My breath hisses and rattles in my throat and I know I am dying. Now that it is happening I don’t want it. I fight against it, fight with all my strength but I know I am losing. I hate him. I hate him with a passion that, if I wasn’t so frightened already would have terrified me.

“You look like an angel. I have never seen any man as beautiful as you. But it is only on the outside and it doesn’t fool me, not for a moment. You are evil, to the core, to the heart. You have shown it time and time again. You fool people with your pretty face, your sweet voice and you have them eating out of the palm of your hands but I saw through you, right from the very start.

“You have taken every opportunity to challenge everything the community stands for. You have challenged me, you have challenged the basis of the community and you have even challenged God. How can I suffer you to live? I have tried so many times. I have done everything in my power to put in danger. You have no idea how close you have come, how many times you have almost... almost died.

“You have led a charmed life Isaac. Even when you tried to take your life yourself you failed. But the charm ends here. It all ends here.”

I am totally shocked. In a mind that is slowing to a crawl memories rise like turgid bubbles in a bowl of thick soup. Accidents, near misses, close calls... they had peppered my life but they weren’t... they never had been... they had... they had been.... him.

I want to scream. I so want to scream. The fear, the pain.... it is overwhelming me. I can feel myself slipping, my mind, starved of oxygen by my erratic heart and laboured breathing is wandering, playing tricks on me. My fingers splay, tangling in the bedclothes, twisting into fists. I touch something, something small and hard and cold, next to my hand.

It takes a lot of willpower, too much energy but I slide my hand over the syringe and grip it in trembling, numb fingers.

Caleb sits back, looking down at me. I can't speak to him, can’t tell him how much I hate him, how that hatred burns in my mind and my soul. I can’t tell him that I want to see him dead, to spit on his twitching body. I can’t tell him that I am glad my mother fled from him, that I am only shocked by the fact that she ever came back. I want to tell him so many things that are crawling through my mind but I can’t. I can’t speak. I can’t move. I can barely breathe.

“Are you feeling alright Isaac? You seem to be struggling a little. Can you feel the poison flowing through your veins? Has it reached your heart? Does it hurt? I hope so. I hope your heart hurts as much as mine did when I lost your mother.”

He puts his hand on my chest and his lips curl into an evil smile.

“Oh yes. I can feel it. It’s racing isn’t it? I can feel it thudding against my hand as if it is struggling to get out. Don’t worry, that won’t last long. Soon it will slow, soon it will stop and then all your struggles will be over.” He runs his hand over my chest, the touch is agony. “You feel so tense Isaac; that will be the toxins building up in your muscles, making them go into spasm.

“The pain must be close to unbearable. If only you could scream. Don’t worry it will get worse before the end. Every muscle in your body will go into spasm, including your heart. They will seize up and lock and if it wasn’t for the fact that your heart will stop very soon after you could look forward to the most excruciating pain imaginable. With luck you will get a taste of it before the end.”

Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! I am desperate to shout, to scream, to hit him. I can barely move, not even to breathe. I have to fight for every breath. My teeth are clenched and I can’t part them, the muscles in my jaw are in spasm.

I have to do something. I have to. I have to ... do... something. I am not going to just lie here and let him watch me die. I won’t. I can’t. My fingers clench on the glass of the syringe and my hand begins to shake. I focus all my energy, all my mind and every ounce of strength I possess. Caleb thinks that I am struggling with pain and his eyes never move from my face. He doesn’t see me lift my hand, doesn’t notice anything until I bring it down as hard as I can, driving the needle into his hand.

Caleb roars and leaps backwards off the bed knocking over the table bringing it crashing to the ground. I smile, knowing that someone is bound to have heard.

“You little bastard. What have you done to me?”

What have I done to him? That’s rich. I can almost laugh at that one, almost. Suddenly Caleb looms over me and his hands are at my throat. It hardly makes any difference. I have to fight so hard now to fill my lungs. There is a pounding in my head that stabs lances of pain through my skull with every beat and my chest is on the verge of exploding.

I barely notice when Caleb is yanked backwards away from me. Suddenly there are alarms sounding and part of me can’t distinguish whether they are inside or outside my head. A face leans over me. It is a nurse, not one I recognise. She is speaking. I know this because I can see her lips move but I can’t hear her, the roaring in my head is too loud.

My whole body is being employed in the effort to keep breathing. My heart is faltering, I can feel it, I can feel every time it stutters and it is agony. I know I am going to die. I can feel it. My body is shaking and sweating. Every muscle is taut and screaming and I think I am going to go insane with the pain. Slowly it is invading every sense. It is all I can see hear, touch and smell. It is all that exists in my world and I am begging, pleading. Please... please.... please let it stop... please make it stop. I don’t care if I die... I WANT to die... anything... please... please... anything to make it stop.

Someone is calling me. Someone is telling me to hold on, just hold on... keep fighting, keep holding on, and I am trying only... only... I.... I.... I.... There is a sense of everything suspended, almost like a pause at the brink of a roller coaster before the long drop. For a moment I think that things are getting better. The pressure in my chest is easing, the pounding in my head slowing. I can take a breath without fighting. My body is relaxing, the muscles releasing.

At first I think that maybe, just maybe everything is going to be alright but then everything gets slower and slower and slower until I am floating above the bed. The pain is gone now. I don’t feel pain, I don’t feel anything. I have no body, no physical existence. Again there is that feeling of poising at the top of a long drop..... and then I am falling and there is nothing more.