Death is Not an Option - 27. Epilogue

I have sat here for the best part of two days. To be exact it has been 49 hours, 36 minutes and 10 seconds since Connor was shot – well thereabouts, I didn’t look at the clock at the time, but decided on a time after the event. And it has been 45 hours, 10 minutes and 15 seconds precisely that I have been sitting here, by his bed, watching him sleep. Well, no... if I am being that precise... for exactly 7 hours 4 minutes and 3 seconds of that I was sitting watching an empty bed, when they took him away to fix his shoulder... but apart from that it’s been...

“Penny for dem.”

“What?!!!”

He’s awake. His blue eyes are shaded with pain but they are dancing. How could I have missed that? How could I have been so lost in thought... so bloody lost in calculating minutes and seconds that I actually missed the one moment I have been waiting for, praying for in all this long time?

“Your thoughts. You were far away.”

“No... no I wasn’t. I was right here. I’ve been right here for the whole time.”

“Whole time? How long have I bin here? Sure and while I’m at it... a quick run down on where exactly ‘here’ is would be much appreciated.”

“Two days... more or less.”

“Fuck. Feels like five minutes.” He shifts and winces, biting his lip. “Did a good job on me didn’t they?”

“You’re going to be alright.”

“Sure an’ didn’t I tell you de same? Don’t ye ever listen ter me?”

He is grinning and I know the same big stupid grin is spread all over my face. Then I take a deep breath and the smile fades. I have to tell him now or...

“Connor... there’s something I need to tell you.”

“Ah shite. This doesn’t sound so good.”

“No. It’s not good, not good at. It’s... more. I thought once, I had lost everything... my family, my home, myself. Being here... with Jon and Sean, I started to think I could get it all back and more. I started to feel that what I had before was nothing in comparison and eventually I could have what I have never had... somewhere I belonged... a real home.”

“Ah well now... you see... I’ve bin thinkin’ too...”

“Wait. Please. Just let me finish. I really need to say this. When you asked me to leave with you I panicked completely. I couldn’t even consider the thought of losing it all again, but...” I have to pause and breathe because even now, even with him awake and looking at me with all that life in his eyes... it’s still hard to remember. “When I saw you fall and then when... when I was holding you and I thought... when you said that you knew they were after me and didn’t say anything because they would have known... I realised something. If I’m honest with myself I had realised it before... just not...huh... realised it.

“Home is not a house. It’s not a place to live but something you can’t live without. Home is not a place, not really. It’s somewhere that your heart belongs... and my heart belongs here.” I laid my hand on his chest, just over his heart which beat strongly beneath by fingers. “And it always has... and it always will.”

For a moment Connor just stares at me and for the first time I see tears run from the corners of his eyes.

“Sure and isn’t it a strange thing... see I’ve bin doin’ some realisin’ of me own. When I realised I was prepared to die fer ye I realised what a first class eedjit I’ve bin. I know what ye’ve bin through. I know how hard ye’ve searched for... how much ye’ve bin wantin’ a home and even wid me being a traveller fer all them years I never realised what you just said until right then... when you said it.

“A piece of me will always live in Ireland... and one day I will take you there so ye can fall in love wid her but... until then...” He blinks away the tears and smiles at me and it is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. “You’re me rose Isaac, me beautiful English rose and it would tear the heart out o’me to watch yer wilt and die because I tried to pull up ye’r roots. Me heart is yours and always will be. I figured it was time for dis traveller to put down roots o’me own... wherever you want them to be.”

“You’ll stay? You’re going to stay here... with me?”

“Sure and haven’t I said that to yer... twoice now? I told yer that last night... or whenever it was.”

“You did... but I thought...”

“Well you’re really goin’ ter have to learn to listen to me Isaac.”

“I do. I will.” I feel stunned, shocked to the core. I never thought, never believed that I could ever be so happy.

“Good. Now can yer please get me a drink? I suppose whisky is out of the question but anything will do... I’ve got a right mouth on me.”

The cage around my heart flips open and I soar. At last I am complete. At last I am whole. At last I am free.