Death is Not an Option - 26. Chapter 26

When Connor ran I panicked. The last thing I wanted was to drive him away. Why did he have to push me? Why did he have to make me choose? Why wouldn’t he understand that I couldn’t choose? I felt like my heart was being torn in two and it was unbearable.

For a time I just sat there and couldn’t move. There had been so much going on, so many shocks, so much emotion... so many times I thought I had grown numb only to have it all come rushing back. I felt sick and ill and most of it was on the inside. There was a dull pain in my chest and an emptiness in my stomach and I couldn’t bear it.

I thought that I had lost him, lost him forever and it was unbearable. The realisation sank in slowly but it grew and filled the emptiness. It WAS unbearable. It was completely unbearable. I had borne such a lot but this was worse than anything... the thought of losing Connor. I couldn’t do it... I just couldn’t do it. I had to find a way... there had to be one... there just had to be.

“Connor!” Without really realising I was moving at all I was on my feet and running. “Connor wait... come back...”

The race through the trees was wild. I kept tripping over things and getting whipped by branches. It was almost as if the forest itself was conspiring against me, trying to hold me back, to keep me away from him. It was unendurable.

I have never felt such a horrible and pressing sense of urgency. It was like I was in a nightmare and the faster I ran the further away I got. It seemed to last forever. At one point I thought I was going round in circles. All the trees looked the same, all the rocks and mounds and I was sure that I had fallen over the same root at least three times.

But it ended, everything ends, and now I am out of the trees and running towards the houses. I can see something moving in the lee of the barn. It seems to be a group of people. I can’t quite make out how many or who it is. I slow down to see better but I can’t... quite... Oh Shit... Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. No... no it can’t be... not now... not him.

“Connor... Connor no... leave him alone... Stop it you bastards... leave him alone.”

Everything seems to slow down to a stop. I see Connor break away from the man who was holding him and kick out at another who goes down. The man who is closest to me turns and I see something flash in the moonlight, something that makes me skid to a halt in sheer terror. The man has a gun. I see the gun come up and freeze completely. Oh God he is going to shoot me. This is it. This is how it ends, how it all ends, with the barrel of a gun.

And then Connor tackles him and he goes down. I leap about a foot in the air when the gun goes off and I think for a minute that he has shot Connor... but then the third man pulls him up; he twists and the man goes down.

I start to move again just as Connor turns to go after the first man. I see what he doesn’t see. He has turned his back on the man with the gun who is up on his knees and aiming.

“No... No Connor... look out. Connor no...!”

Just as the gun goes off chaos erupts. People are running from everywhere, summoned by the sound of the first shot and the men try to run. I reach the man with the gun just as he gets to his feet and I tackle him. This time the gun flies from his hand and, taken by surprise with the wind knocked out of him he lies still just long enough for me to get astride him and start to pummel his face as hard as I can.

I am scared stiff. Connor went down just after the shot and I don’t know if he was hit or if he was just tackling the other man. I am too scared to look and I take my fear out in hitting the man... it is possessing me, taking over my mind so I can’t think of anything else... so I can’t think of Connor.

I keep hitting until someone throws their arms around me and hauls me off. I kick and scream until I realise that it is Abraham and I force myself to go still.

“Please Abraham... please let me go. I have to go to Connor. I’m okay now, let me go.”

Somewhat reluctantly Abraham lets me go and I forget all about the man on the ground, all about the people milling about... all about everything but him, but Connor.

He is lying on the ground but trying to get up. He has managed to push himself up on one elbow but isn't having much luck getting any further. My first reaction is enormous relief but it is short lived. I drop to my knees and he looks up at me. His eyes are wide and full of horror and his hand is shaking, held in front of him. We both look down in horror at the red stickiness that covers it.

“Fuck.”

I raise my eyes again and so does he and we just stare at each other for a moment. My heart is pounding and I am so scared, more scared than I have ever felt in my life. Connor opens his mouth to say something then a strange look comes over his face. His mouth opens and closes a few times and then his eyes flicker and it is as if all the strength drains out of him and he pitches forwards.

“Connor... Connor no... please no.”

I can see it clearly now. My coat is black and it isn’t obvious until you bend close but then you can see the hole and the stiffening stain spreading over his right shoulder.

“Connor?” This time it is not a scream it is a whisper.

I am afraid to touch him but more afraid to see him lying there, face down like a crumpled, grounded crow.

I look up at the gathering crowd and search for help but they are as frightened and helpless as I am. A little way off a struggle is taking place between a couple of the men who have the attackers captured, writhing helplessly in grips made strong by hard manual work.

“Help me.” No one moves.

Frustrated I scramble around to Connor’s other side and gently, tentatively I reach out and lift him into my arms, cradling his head on my knees. He groans, his whole body stiffening with pain.

“Connor... Connor please... please... talk to me... tell me you’re alright... please Connor.”

For the first time I notice that Connor is hurt, not just by the bullet, but hurt from the beating. His lip is split and he has a bruise on his cheek. Shit... what else have they done to him? They didn’t have time to do much right? The way he fought them means he wasn't badly hurt... right?

Connor groans again and thankfully blinks open his eyes. When he sees me he tries to smile but that same look comes over his face again and I think he is going to pass out again.

“No Connor... no please... please don’t leave me.”

Blinking sleepy looking eyes Connor shakes his head slightly and raises a hand that looks like it is suddenly made of lead, brushing my cheek gently with his fingers before allowing it to fall back with a frighteningly final sounding thud. He takes a breath and tenses as if it hurts... a lot.

“Isaac...” He sounds breathless... as if he is trying out his voice and he looks surprised by how weak it sounds.

“Sssh... it’s alright. You don’t need to talk. I don’t need to hear anything Connor. I just need to know that you are going to be alright, that you are not going to leave me. Connor... I... I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean what I said... any of it. I want to be with you, just with you and I don’t care where. I...”

Connor shakes his head and frowns, concentrating hard on the effort to focus and to speak.

“I... I won’t leave you Isaac. Never. I... when... They thought it was you Isaac... I was wearing your coat and they thought it was you.”

The bottom drops out of my world, and I go cold. “Me? But... but why?”

“Caleb.”

Of course... of course it was... it had to be. He wasn’t satisfied to try and destroy my life he had to end it... and he had nearly ended Connor’s.

“But why... why didn’t you tell him you weren’t me?”

Connor smiled at me. “How could you... ask? I would never let anyone hurt you.”

“Then why didn’t you call for help? There were people close... they would have come.”

“If I spoke they would know.” It was a simple statement but it pierces me to the soul as the enormity of what he did for me crashes down on my heart.

“So you just let them beat you? You let them hurt you... to... to protect me?”

“Sure... I would... I would... die fer ye.”

“No! No... not that... not that Connor... never that. I couldn’t live with myself if that happened.” After everything that had happened to me since this whole crazy thing started, this was too much, way too much. I had gone from people I had known all my life, trusted beyond everything, letting me down and betraying me... to someone I barely knew, whom I had just rejected and hurt being prepared to be hurt... to give their life for me. I was too much, way to much.

“They were goin’ ter kill me Isaac. Caleb...”

“And you would have let them?”

“If it saved yer... hell yeah. Didn’t I just tell yer...? I would... would... die fer ye.”

“And didn’t I just tell you that I wouldn’t want that? I can’t lose you Connor... I can’t and if... if it was because... because of me...” The knife twists in my guts and nausea rises in my throat. I have to struggle not to be sick. “NO! Listen to me Connor... listen to me good... it’s not an option...do you hear me? Death is NOT an option.”

He smiles at me, his eyes distant. It must have hurt him to smile like that, what with the cut lip and all but either he doesn’t feel it or he completely ignores it.

“I won’t leave yer Isaac... I...” The smile fades and he grows serious. “When I thought... when... when they were... I thought I was gonna die. They hurt me and I knew they were gonna kill me... and I was glad... glad because... because... because you were safe.”

“Connor... don’t say that.”

“Listen.” I stare into those beautiful blue eyes and there is nothing else in the world... there is only us, only him. “What could I do? If I had spoken they would have known and dey would‘a come... come after ye. Dey would’a hurt yer and I couldn’t... I can’t... not ever. I promised ter look after ye... didn’t I... didn’t I promise... and I...”

Connor tenses as pain grips him and his lips press together. I notice that they are not red any more... the colour is draining from them, from all of him. I look down and see that the whole of the front of his shirt is soaked in blood and it is pooling on the floor under him. That’s where all the colour is going. He is shivering and I know that’s not good.

“Connor... don’t... just try and relax... to... to... just hold on baby and someone will come. Soon.”

Again Connor shakes his head and smiled. “Doesn’t matter. I... I’m not...”

“No... don’t speak... don’t waste your energy... you need it to keep strong... you have to keep strong.” My voice is rising, betraying my panic. I am trying to keep calm, to be reassuring to him but it is too hard. Tears are pouring down my face and his image wavers through the curtain so that I have to blink hard to see him clearly again.

When he swims back into view his eyes have slid past me and are staring unblinking up at the sky. I feel that he is slipping away and it panics me.

“Connor... Connor are you... are you...?”

He blinks and forces his eyes back to my face. “Don’t... don’t be afraid. I’ve been hurt afore. I’m a tough one Isaac. I’ll be alright.”

“Not like this Connor... you’ve never been hurt like this before... not because of me.”

Connor laughs. “You don’t know me Isaac. I... dere have bin times... I have bin hurt... hurt bad... and I... Dis time it is different... dis time it has a purpose and it makes it... it makes it worth it. I can bear de pain Isaac... if... if you’re here.”

“I’m here. I will always be here for you... always.”

“And I’ll be here fer ye... always.”

I want to pull him tight against me, to hold him and squeeze him until it hurts but I am afraid to hurt him any more. I want to scream and rage at the heavens that here... here in the place where God and religion are central to everything there was no one... no one to hear my prayer... no one to answer.

I feel desperate as if everything is slipping through my fingers again. I realise now... realise something very, very important. I realise that I don’t care about looking for a home any more because I have one... not a place... not a room or a house or even a whole community but a heart. My home is here... right here... or anywhere that he is. My home is Connor and now... now when I have just found it... it’s slipping away from me.

“Connor I need you. I love you. I love you more than I can ever tell you and I was stupid. I was so stupid. I thought that I needed home... a house... a family... and I do, of course I do but... but...” I hesitate. He doesn’t seem to be... to be... there any more. “Connor? Connor are you...?”

His eyes are unfocussed again, raised to the stars and I know he isn’t listening to me, that he isn’t really here. He must be in so much pain but he is calm, completely calm. He is far calmer than I am, not struggling at all, completely at peace with whatever happens to him.

I wish I could have that... that centre of calm... that acceptance of whatever comes. I don’t know how he can do it. If it had been me I would have been so frightened, I would have fought the pain and railed against it and been angry and frightened but Connor isn't.

Now that I have noticed it the very fact that he isn't fighting scares me. I touch his face and it is cold, icy cold, frighteningly cold.

“Someone... please... please get something... get a blanket... he’s so cold.”

“Here Isaac... I thought you would need them. It’s alright I’ve called the police. They’re on their way...an ambulance too. He’s going to be alright Isaac... you both are.”

The calm, reassuring voice is exactly what I need. The hysteria eases a little. Gwen wraps a blanket around me and gently lays another over Connor. He doesn’t seem to be aware that she is there, that anyone is there and that scares me again.

Gwen crouches down on the other side of Connor and peels back the blanket. From somewhere she produces a pen knife and slices his shirt from the neck down. I am so surprised I forget to be scared for a moment. The fear rushes back when she carefully tugs at the material around the wound. It is stuck and she stops. Instead she presses gently around it through the material. Connor hisses and she reassures him with her soft calm voice and a hand on his forehead. Slowly he relaxes and his eyes close.

“Connor no... please...” For some reason it is better when his eyes are open. It doesn’t make him any less hurt but he isn’t so... it isn’t so... so scary.

“It’s alright Isaac. It doesn’t look too bad. The bleeding seems to be stopping... the material of his shirt is helping with that. It looks like the bullet went straight through and he’s breathing fine... he’s going to be alright. Try not to worry too much.”

Is she insane? Is she completely and utterly insane? My boyfriend... shit I take a moment to examine that thought... I have a boyfriend... my boyfriend has been beaten and shot by someone who was intending to kill me. He’s lying here in my arms, unconscious in a pool of his own blood and she is telling me not to worry.

I think she must see it in my eyes and she smiles her reassuring smile. She starts to reach out to me but sees the blood on her hand and snatches it back. “I know I might as well tell the tide to flow backwards or the moon to rise in the morning... but try not to worry. He really is going to be alright.”

“I wish... I wish I could believe you but...”

“I know honey... I know.”

Connor moans as a shudder goes through his body and when I look down his eyes are open again. He looks confused.

“It’s okay Connor. Help’s coming. You’re going to be alright.”

He smiles. “I know.” It’s a whisper... just a whisper.

“Just hold on.”

“Yes.”

“Are you... are you in pain? Do you...? Can I...?”

“No.”

He draws in his breath with a hiss and lets it out with a sigh. Even with the blanket he is shivering and his lips are white. I am trying to be positive, to believe that everything is going to be alright... but I can’t. All I can see is the blood. All I can think of is losing him.

“Don’t leave me Con.”

The confusion disappears and he smiles, shaking his head slightly, looking exhausted. “No... I told yer... never... Oi’ll not leave yer Isaac... never... you... you’re...” He gasps and tenses again.

“Try and stay quiet Connor. Don’t try to talk. Are you hurt anywhere else?”

Slowly Connor’s eyes swivel to Gwen and he looks confused again. He blinks slowly and peers at her.

“I...”

“Did they hurt you Connor? Are you hurt?”

“Yeah... but oi’ll live.”

“Oh yes... I have no doubt about that. Where are you hurt?”

“Me ribs mostly... felt a couple break... hurts loike the pits o’hell but... not’n I’ve not had afore.”

I notice that his accent has got a lot thicker... reverting to what’s natural, without effort. I can hardly understand what he is saying... it’s hard enough at the best of times.

“Does it hurt you to breathe?”

“Hell yeah.”

“Alright... just lie quiet then Connor... rest and save your strength. It won’t be long honey. Help is on its way.”

“Isaac?”

It seems as if he doesn’t have the strength to turn his head and look at me. “I’m here. I’m here Connor... I’m not going anywhere... not now, not ever.”

“Yeah... I... I’m cold Isaac. So cold.”

His voice sounds strange, distant as if it belongs to someone else. I turn his face to look up at me again but he doesn’t look at me... he can’t. His eyes are fluttering and I am scared again.

“Connor... listen to me... listen. You have to hold on darling... you have to... you have to hold on and be alright. I want... I want to spend the rest of our lives together and I don’t want it to end here. I can’t bear it if it ends here. Remember what I said... Death is not an option Connor... do you hear me... it’s not an option.”

But he doesn’t... he doesn’t hear me. For a fleeting moment his eyes focus on my face but he doesn’t even have time to smile before they flutter and roll and he slips away.

I am empty... so empty. In the distance sirens sound but they sound unreal, as if they are in a film or on some crazy soundtrack that doesn’t have anything to do with me at all. I am not even here... I am far away... far, far away... with Connor.