Alone in the Night - 7. Alone 7

The next morning, having not come to a timely end in the night, I made my way back to my home at the park. The weather was still near freezing; however it had finally stopped raining so I was at least able to stay dry. Some of the few park residents who were still around despite the cold were surprised to see me back. They weren’t sure if I was going to survive or not when they took me to the hospital. I thanked them for helping me. A gruff looking man, an army veteran shrugged it off. “We gotta stick together out here.” Another one said, “The holidays do get easier eventually, but the first one is always the hardest.” One of the older guys around piped. “We were gonna let someone else move into your spot hoping you weren’t comin back, but since you’re here its good we didn’t.” The vet jokingly slapped him upside the head for that so he clarified. “Was hoping if you hadn’t died, you found yourself a home or something to get you away from this life.”

It didn’t take me long to get back into my routine of living on the street. Scavenging for food, trying to stay dry and somewhat warm, and just getting by day to day. I eventually started going back to the Y and Jason and several others on the staff were happy to see I was back and know I was safe. They were worried something had happened to me, especially during the bitter cold. I told them I had a hard time with that ice storm before Christmas and but found someplace to stay warm for a few a while. They didn’t need to know the truth about my stay in the hospital. I thanked them all for their concern and went to workout. I pushed harder than normal trying to burn off some of my frustration and cooled down with laps in the pool. The Tai Chi classes seemed to do the most to calm me and focus my thoughts. Jason pulled me aside before I could leave one day just to make sure I was okay. I told him everything was fine.

I started hanging out where I could easily get offered work and hooked up with a few customers a week. I consoled myself with the fact that I wasn’t stealing or hurting anybody and I needed money to survive. I was doing the only thing anyone was willing to pay me to do, so for now that was my lot in life. I would stop by the bank every few days to make a deposit, keeping just enough on me to buy some food as needed and was thankful I didn’t see Chuck when I was in there.

******

Around mid January I was walking through the Regency Square Mall when I spotted Chad. Unfortunately for me, he saw me at about the same time and came running up to me. “Matt. How’ve you been?”

My voice was cold. “I’m fine.” I tried to walk off.

His hand on my shoulder briefly stopped me. “Can we talk?”

I stared at him blankly. “What do we have to talk about?” I could see that hurt him. Part of me relished it was someone else feeling it instead of me. Before he could say anything I added. “I guess I should thank you. You reminded me that most everyone is just out for themselves and doesn’t care who they hurt to get what they want.”

He had the deer in the headlights look. When he recovered he started to stutter an apology to me. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to treat you like that. I just…”

I was still angry about New Years, but Chad was the one right in front of me when my emotions unfairly released. “Is it because you helped me that you figured I owed you? Do you were going to take payment however you wanted? If the whore puts out for others he should put out for me?”

He hung his head and tried to apologize again. “That’s not what I thought. I’m so sorry for how I acted.”

I went and sat down on a nearby bench, my head in my hands. He sat down next to me.

When I looked at him, he took a deep breath. “I wasn’t trying to get payment for helping you out. I wanted to try and show you how much I enjoyed being able to have you as my date at dinner. I got mad when you rejected me and took it out on you. I can’t even begin to tell you how sorry I am.”

I was silent for a few minutes trying to collect my thought. “I liked you. Not just because of what you did for me even though that was amazing on its own. But because you seemed cool and still wanted to hang out with me knowing I live on the street. I tried to tell you I wasn’t ready to have sex with you, but you wouldn’t listen and got mad which made me mad. What I wanted and really needed was a friend. When you were holding me while we cuddled, I felt safe for the first time in a while, until…”

Chad looked like he could start to cry at any moment as he looked into my eyes. “I am so sorry for what I did and for not listening to you. I hope someday you can forgive me and maybe give me a second chance to take you out or just be your friend.”

Given my recent experience, my ability to put even a sliver of trust in people just wasn’t there. “People like you don’t date guys like me. What would your friends think if they found out you were going out with a hooker?”

“I don’t’ care what people think and you’re not a hooker or a whore.”

“You really have no idea, do you? No promises. If I see you, I see you.”

I walked off feeling horrible from my run-in with Chad. I wanted to be mad at him, but felt bad for taking out my anger from others on him. It also made me think more about leaving Andrew and Dan’s in the middle of the night with such a short note, and I didn’t want to think about that. I kind of felt like I was being an ass towards everyone, and I probably was. I left the mall since I was no longer in any mood to be there and made my way back to downtown Richmond and to my home. I sat and just listened to the sound of the river going by while the ever present thoughts of suicide ran through my mind.

******

The days started to blur together. Any one day was pretty much like all the others. It felt like I was running on auto pilot and going through the motions of life. I was surviving on some level, but I was not really living. My goal was being a ghost in public and not attracting attention to myself. Workouts, swimming, and on occasion going the Tai Chi class or work on my Karate skills with people I’d met at the Y gave me something positive to do. I lived day to day and tried not to think much about what tomorrow would bring. Finding work never seemed to be a problem as there was always someone willing to pay for my skills. I tried to build up my savings so I could hopefully get myself off the street someday or just away from Richmond and start a new life. I did my best to focus on living and try to bury the always present thoughts of ending my life.

Each day that passed, the thoughts of suicide diminished a little bit. I tried not to think of them, but sitting alone at night in the dark it was sometimes difficult not to. It didn’t matter if I was at the park or one of the other spots I’d found for avoiding bad weather or just someplace to try and get warm. When I was alone there was nothing to distract my thoughts. During the day there were people around even if they didn’t see me. I didn’t want to have any more contact with them then was needed.

We had several more cold storms over the remainder of winter, but it did finally come to an end. In a way, that improved my spirits some knowing I had made it through a bitter cold and was still alive. I wasn’t willing to allow myself to hope for things to get better, but I was thinking that perhaps the worst was behind me for now. The days were slowly starting to warm up and I was happy not to feel cold all the time. I was getting better at taking care of myself and my confidence that I could survive increased a little each day.

With the weather improving it was even easier to find work when I needed to replenish my cash supply. I needing to provide periodic free service to a handful of cops that took notice of me and had a taste for underage boys. More work meant I was making deposits a little more often. In late April the day finally came when I ran into Chuck at the bank. I hoped that he wouldn’t see me, but no such luck.

He called me over to his desk. “Dan and Andrew have been worried sick about you. They’ve been searching for you since you left.”

I couldn’t do much more then hang my head. I knew I’d hurt them by leaving, but hearing it from someone made it worse and I couldn’t hide from it.

“You can tell them I’m fine if you want.”

He looked a little more than upset with me. “You need to at least call them and tell them that yourself!”

“Are you going to close my account?”

“No, I’m not.”

I wandered around feeling horrible after that. Afraid of getting hurt myself, I ended up hurting the people who had been the nicest to me. Why couldn’t I just die and be done with it? I guess that’s a question that never has an answer.

It took a couple days for me to build up the courage to call the guys. I didn’t have enough courage to do it when I knew they’d be home. I left them a message. “I’m sorry for hurting you guys by leaving like I did. It had nothing to do with either of you, but I just couldn’t stay. I do miss you, but it’s better like this. You don’t need my problems or someone like me in your life. I know you’ve been looking for me, but please don’t.” I went back to my spot by the river and cried. I could hide my emotions from myself well enough when working, but sadness decided when and where it was going to show itself, or maybe it was guilt. Either way I didn’t like myself very much at that moment.

I avoided getting to know anyone outside the homeless community or the people I saw at the Y. It felt safer and there wasn’t the risk of allowing myself to develop feelings beyond friendship. I’d allowed myself to get hurt and to hurt people that I’d allowed myself to care about. All that caused was problems and emotional heartache. I knew I couldn’t let that happen anymore, well at least for now.

  ******

Springs at Brown’s Island meant there were concerts and other events held in the park where I lived. In a way that made it nice not having to go far, but it meant there were a lot more people around so the homeless were pushed to less public spots. The music was usually pretty good and it gave lots of opportunities to watch some cute guys. The Friday night concerts during the late spring were a nice way to end the week. The drawback is I either had to be at the park before they started charging people to get in for the shows or I couldn’t easily come home until after it was over. For the times I was there and didn’t want to come out of my spot, it amazed me how I was able to stay hidden from everyone and at times only being a few feet from them. It was the same when people would jog past in the morning, but if you’re not looking for someone it is easy not to see them.

It was nice as the weather continued to warm up. It made me happy to not be cold anymore. I was able to find secluded places along the river I could swim. It was fun, but not quite as comfortable as swimming at the Y. There are little islands in the river you could easily get to that were nice for lying out and catching some sun. When you get too warm you take a quick dip in the river to cool off again. Occasionally just for fun I’d work on an all over tan. At times while swimming or just laying out I’d almost forget about being homeless. I think it was the closest I was able to come to just being an average sixteen year old. It also reminded me of how lonely I was since unlike other people I’d see swimming I didn’t have any friends to enjoy my time with.

I’d try to do other average teenager things like hang out at the mall. I’d just walk around looking at stuff I knew I couldn’t buy. Sometimes if I had some cash on me I’d get something to eat at the food court. I tried to avoid other teens since when they are in groups they like to pick on anyone that doesn’t seem to fit in. Even though I was presentable they could tell there was something different about me and that can be like blood in the water to sharks. Sometimes it would be my height and other times it might be the clothes I was wearing. Time at the mall did give me a chance to work on passive cruising for when I was working. There always seemed to be some horny father that just couldn’t wait to get away from the wife and kids and check out what’s available especially if they happened to walk in on you in the bathroom. Did I ever mention I have a low opinion of people?