My Brother Daniel - 8. Chapter 8

Who on earth had the bright idea of going out for a formal meal? Sara thought it would be less stressful than eating at home, more impersonal. It seemed like a good idea at the time but now, I’m sitting in the car outside her door – a position I’ve found myself in far too often over the last six months – in my ‘smart’ clothes and wondering what the hell I’m doing.

We’re going to a posh restaurant, somewhere they lay the table nicely. Daniel doesn’t have the best table manners and he’s likely to make quite a show when he bursts out laughing or shouts. We’ll be lucky if we don’t get thrown out.

“Rayn.” Daniel seems to have a sixth sense. He always knows when I’m sitting outside the door. He always knows within minutes. Maybe he watches through the window until I get here.

Oh god he looks good today, in black slacks and a shirt the exact colour of his eyes. I’m glad Sara, or maybe his mother, dissuaded him from wearing the pink one he was considering. He bends down and knocks on the window, his beautiful eyes inches from mine, misty through the glass.

“Rayn,” he calls, knocking again, more impatiently.

What can I do but put the window down? “If you give me space I’ll get out of the car.”

“I don’t want to give you space. I don’t want to give you any space at all.” He leans through the window and presses his lips against mine, just for a moment but enough to make me breathless. Daniel’s kisses always make me breathless, no matter how brief.

“But if I don’t get out there will always be the car door between us.”

“Oh. Yes. Come on out then.” He steps back far enough to allow me to get out of the car. As soon as I close the door behind me, he grabs my hand and pulls me inside. He closes the front door and pins me to the wall, pressing his body against mine and kissing me passionately. I fight him for a moment. Christ, his mother’s in the house. I’ve not met her yet and catching us at it wouldn’t hardly be the best introduction. But I can’t fight Daniel. I can’t ever fight Daniel. Relaxing into the kiss I put my arms around him and hold him gently.

When Daniel breaks away he smiles at me, his eyes full of wonder. “I love you, Rayn.”

“I love you, too.”

“Come, meet my mother. She’s excited.”

“She is?”

“Of course she is. Come on.”

Daniel’s mother is something of a surprise. She resembles Daniel closely but is shorter and dumpier, her golden hair cut in a smart bob, sprinkled with grey. She gets to her feet and beams at me. “You must be Rayn.” Before I can say a word, she throws her arms around me and hugs me tight.

“Mam!” Daniel says sharply and pulls us apart. “Only I’m supposed to do that.”

“I do it to you don’t I?” she says and proceeds to prove her point.

Daniel giggles. “Yes, but you’re my mam.”

“Well, if Rayn’s yours he belongs to the whole family and I’m adopting him. I’ll be his second mother.”

“Oh. Okay. You can hug him then.”

I’m frozen, stunned. Second mother? Oh god I need a mother. First, second, whatever. I just…need…. I’m struggling to keep tears out of my eyes, and when she pulls away I know she can see them. She pats my cheek “It will be alright.”

What is this woman, a mind reader?

“Right then, let’s get underway. I’m driving.”

“No, it’s alright, I’ll drive.”

“Won’t hear of it, Rayn. Sit in the back with Daniel and mind I’m watching you in the mirror.”

Blushing deeply, I follow Daniel’s mother and a grinning Sara out of the house and into the car. Daniel insists on resting his head on my shoulder and normally I would have loved it, but his mother keeps glancing back and winking at me.

I’ve never been to this restaurant before and I’m very relieved to find it’s not as fancy as I thought it would be. There are all kinds of people here and there’s plenty of chatter, not the polite silence I was expecting.

We’re shown to our table and sit down, Daniel next to me with his mother next to him which, lucky me, leaves me next to Sara. The waiter takes our orders for drinks and we settle in to study the menus. Daniel’s staring at his, his eyes scanning the page. I know he’s not really reading or choosing. Menus are as confusing to him as timetables and he can’t visualise the food from its name.

“What do you fancy tonight, Daniel?” his mother asks.

“Rayn,” he says instantly, flashing her a smile which she returns. He glances at me impishly. “I’ll have what Rayn’s having.”

“I’ve no idea what I’m having.”

“Then hurry up and choose. I’m hungry.”

“No pressure then.”

“No, of course not. Not pressure, as long as you’re quick.” I laugh at his grin, lost in his eyes, until I remember there are others here and hastily tear my eyes away.

“Okay, well, I think I’ll have the fillet steak.”

“But I don’t like big chunks of meat. Have something else.”

“But…” I catch his mother’s eye and we share a look. I realise what he’s doing.

“What’s your favourite eating out food?”

“You know my favourite.”

“Remind me.”

“Chicken with barbecue sauce.”

“Then that is what you shall have.”

“Is it on the menu?” He looks again, peering at the words as if knowing what he was looking for would decode the incomprehensible jumble of letters.

“Who cares?”

“Because you can’t have something if it isn’t on the menu.”

“It’s alright,” Lily, Daniel’s mother says, “luckily it’s on the menu.”

I scan down the menu and she’s right. I heave a sigh of relief. Possible disaster averted. Daniel is clearly trying to impress his mother and I know from experience that if Daniel fails to do something he sets out to do, trouble ensues.

When the waiter returns with our drinks, we each order our meals and I order for Daniel. “And Hunters Chicken for Daniel, please.”

“No, I don’t want that.”

“I thought you said—”

“I want barbecue chicken.”

“That’s what Hunter’s Chicken is. Chicken breast, with barbecue sauce, and bacon on top and then melted cheese.”

“Oh,” Daniel looks crestfallen. He smiles sheepishly at the waiter. “I’ll have that then please.”

“Certainly, sir.” The waiter, a pretty young man who’s obviously attracted to Daniel, smiles at him eliciting a smile in return.

“He called me ‘sir’,” Daniel says, delighted, and just a little too loud for the waiter to fail to hear. He casts Daniel a wink over his shoulder.

While we wait for food we chat about all kinds of things. Lily tells me stories about Daniel as a child and Daniel excitedly brings his mother up to date with all the things we’ve done over the last six months.

“You certainly seem to have been having an eventful time.”

“It’s been great, Mam. Rayn’s been great.”

“You know it can’t be like this all the time, don’t you? No one’s life can be like this all the time. You’ll burn out if you keep packing so much in. You look tired already. Don’t you think it’s time to slow down, have some quiet time; time to really get to know each other?”

“We do know each other, Mam. We do have quiet times. Sometimes it’s so quiet I fall asleep. Once I did it in the cinema. Rayn said I was snoring but I don’t think I was.”

“That’s not what I meant, darling. I meant have some time not actually doing anything. Surely Rayn must have studying to do. He needs time alone to do that. You wouldn’t want him to fail his exams would you?”

“Am I making you fail your exams, Rayn,” Daniel asks, his eyes wide and horrified.

“I didn’t mean that, Daniel,” Lily says.

“Of course you’re not,” I hasten to add. “What your mother means is that there have been a lot of things going on. We’ve been out most weekends and during the week too. We can’t keep doing that forever.”

“Why not?”

“Because we’ll get tired, and because when my exams come I’ll have to spend lots of time studying. We need to start thinking more of quiet evenings in front of the fire and watching movies in…um…on the sofa.”

Daniel grins. “He means in bed. We watch movies in bed.”

Sara coughs, but Lily only smiles.

“But it’s Christmas soon and we’ve got lots of plans. Rayn won’t be in school and we’re going to see shows and pantomimes and parties. Are we not allowed to do that?”

“I’m not saying you’re ‘not allowed’ to do anything. Of course you should have fun at Christmas. You should have fun all the time but have some quiet time in between.”

“Okay.”

Lily reaches out and tucks a strand of hair behind his ear. “You’re looking tired, Daniel. You have to take care of yourself.”

“No I don’t,” Daniel says cheerfully. “Rayn looks after me now.”

Lily laughs and shakes her head. “I can see that. You’ve grown up a lot, Daniel.”

Daniel absolutely beams. It’s the best thing she could possibly have said. It’s very important to him to be seen as a grown up.

When the food comes Daniel tucks in with gusto. His table manners are somewhat crude but his absolute pleasure in what’s he’s eating more than makes up for it. At first, Lily gives me uneasy glances but something in my expression seems to reassure her. It must be the adoration.

“So, you’re going to stay with Rayn tonight,” Lily says out of the blue.

“Yes. It’s my first time.”

“I hardly think it’s your first time, Daniel.”

Daniel giggles. “My first time to sleep over, silly. Sara’s been such a spoilsport. She’s like a mother hen.”

“She’s just taking care of you, darling.”

“I told you, Rayn’s taking care of me now.” Daniel sounds a little annoyed so I distract him.

“You know it, baby.” Daniel loves being called, baby, ever since he realised it wasn’t an insult. There were a few sticky moments over that in the beginning.

Daniel beams. “Rayn calls me ‘baby’ but it doesn’t mean I am one. I’ve listened and heard other people say it too. It means he loves me.”

“Does he now?” Lily gives me a shrewd look that makes me shiver.

“Of course he does. Don’t you, Rayn?”

I feel everyone’s eyes on me and I squirm. Although I’ve come to realise more and more that it’s true and I’ve stopped telling Daniel off when he says it, I’ve never really admitted it out loud to anyone. I take a deep breath and smile at Daniel. “Yes, I love him. I love you, Daniel.”

Daniel’s slow, bright smile spreads over his face and he flushes delicately, lowering his eyes and peeping up at me.

“Stop flirting at the table, Daniel,” Lily says, but her voice is teasing and Daniel grins at her.

“He loves me, Mam.”

“Of course he does. Who wouldn’t love you? You’re the most lovable person I know.”

“Gee thanks, Mam,” Sara says rolling her eyes. Lily shakes her head at her.

“You’re many things my darling but, although I love you very much, lovable isn’t generally one of them. It’d be more like strong and dependable.”

Sara mock pouted. “But I want to be lovable and adorable.”

“You are to me, Sara,” Daniel says anxiously. Sara reaches over and pats his hand.

“I know darling. We were only teasing.”

“I’m not very good at teasing.”

“You’re good at teasing me,” I say trying to lighten the suddenly tense atmosphere.

“That’s different.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, it’s usually about sex and I wouldn’t do that with Sara.”

Sara very nearly chokes on her Coke. She wipes her mouth with a napkin. “I’m very glad of that, Daniel.”

“I wouldn’t do it with anyone but Rayn… the teasing, that is. Oh, and the sex, too.”

“Maybe we shouldn’t be talking about this in front of your mother, Daniel.”

“Why not?”

“Parents don’t usually feel comfortable talking about sex with their children.”

“Oh. Am I making you feel uncomfortable, Mam?”

“Not at all. I’d rather not have the details but I’d be very naïve to think you weren’t at it like rabbits at every opportunity. You’re both young and healthy and no doubt lusty. I just hope you’re being safe.”

“Safe? Rayn would never hurt me, Mam. I’m very safe with him.”

Blushing to the roots of my hair, I turn my face away praying for this conversation to end. I really don’t want to talk about condoms and S.T.D’s with Daniel. Not here. Not now.

“I’m absolutely sure you are, Darling. Rayn will take care of everything, I’m sure.”

The look she gives me leaves me in no doubt what she’s talking about and I blush even more.

“Absolutely,” is all I can stammer.

Daniel looks confused. He isn’t picking up the messages at all but is aware of an undercurrent. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. There is absolutely nothing wrong. We’re all good.”

“But…”

“We’re all good, Daniel.”

“Okay.” Daniel subsides but glowers around the table knowing everyone else is sharing something he’s not part of.”

“Don’t scowl, Daniel, it doesn’t suit you.”

“I can scowl if I want. You can’t tell me how to feel or what to do.”

“Yes I can, I’m your mother.”

“But I’m grown up now.”

“You’ll always be my baby.”

“Only Rayn can call me that.”

“But you are my baby, Daniel; you and Sara both.”

“I am not a baby,” Daniel says, way too loudly. Eyes turn towards us.

“Of course not. I didn’t say that.”

“Yes you did. Don’t try to confuse me. I know what you said.”

“Daniel, your mother didn’t mean—”

“You have no idea what my mother meant. You don’t know her. She’s always treating me like a child. So is Sara. Before you came they wouldn’t let me do anything.”

“That’s not true, Daniel.” I can see this escalating and now’s the time to stop it before Daniel really blows and throws a tantrum.

“You’re supposed to be on my side.”

“There aren’t any sides. This is your mother and sister, who love you. They may have been a little over protective but that’s understandable. Who wouldn’t want to protect you?” I smile at him but he doesn’t smile back.

“It’s not protecting. It’s keeping me a child when I want to grow up.”

“Then act like a grown up,” Sara snaps. “Stop behaving like a child and having tantrums, especially in a nice restaurant. We don’t behave like this in public, remember?”

“I am not a child and I don’t need to be reminded how to behave in public, but I won’t just let you treat me like this. I’m a human being and I deserve respect. Don’t I, Rayn?”

“Don’t involve me in this. I know from experience what a bad idea it is to get caught up in an argument between you two. Sort it out yourselves. I’m going to the loo. Try not to kill each other while I’m gone.”

I may have been a coward but I do know how these arguments go. They escalate until they’re shouting at each other and I get caught in the middle with both of them looking to me to support their positions. It’s a no win situation and I’m getting out of this one. Let Daniel’s mother mediate.

Not actually wanting to use the toilet, I decide to go outside and get some air. There’s a place around the back where the smokers congregate. It’s under cover and has some seats. At the moment there’s no one here. It’s getting dark and it’s a little spooky. The night is cold and clear and the moon is rising. The sound of rustling leaves makes my hair stand on end.

“Hello, Rayn.”

I practically jump out of my skin. The voice seems to come from nowhere. I turn my head rapidly to see a dark figure detach itself from the deep shadow over by the bushes. There’s something oddly familiar about it. They must be familiar; they know my name.

“Who is it?”

“Don’t you recognise me? Have you forgotten me so quickly?”

The voice is rich, like melting chocolate and the shadow, as it moves towards me is lithe, confident, like a cat. I know who it is. Oh God, I know who it is. I reach for the door handle but Andy’s too quick and the next thing I know I’m pinned to the wall.

“Get off me.”

“Aww, don’t be like that. I’ve missed you so much. You disappeared without a trace and I was scared. You wouldn’t believe the rumours that are going around about you. They say you tried to kill yourself but I know you wouldn’t have done that, not my little Rayn.” He cups my face and runs his thumb across my cheek. I yank my head away and bang it against the wall. “Easy, baby. You’re skittish tonight.”

“I’m not skittish. I just don’t want to be here; not with you.”

“Why not? I’ve been searching for you for months. I knew you’d come to school here but I’ve been hanging around the campus and I haven’t seen hide nor hair of you.”

“The ancient history and archaeology departments are in a different building.”

“Ah, that explains it. You’ll have to show me where it is.”

“Show you? Are you crazy? I don’t want you hanging around the campus. In fact, I don’t want you hanging around at all. If I’d wanted you to find me I’d have come back and found you.”

“I know there must be a reason.”

“Yeah, there’s a reason. There’s a bloody good reason. I hate you, Andy. I hate you and I hate what you did to me. Just get away from me and leave me alone.”

“What do you mean?” He sounds genuinely confused. Oh well.

“What do you think I mean? You lied to me, manipulated me, taunted me in front of my friends and outed me to my parents who promptly had me thrown out of the house. Three months in therapy did wonders to show me what a scheming, manipulative bastard you were – are, and to help me get you out of my hair once and for all.”

“What are you trying to say.” Again he sounds mystified. Oh boy.

“I’m trying to say that I don’t want you around anymore. I want you to go away and never come back.”

“Go where?”

“Anywhere. You can fall of the edge of the world as far as I care. As long as you’re nowhere near me I’ll be happy.”

“But you love me. I love you. We’re going to be together forever.”

“In your dreams.” All this time I’ve been trying to squirm from under him but he’s holding me tight against the building with his body. “For fuck sake let me go, Andy. Get the message, I don’t want you anymore.”

“You’re not serious. You don’t mean that.”

“I’m deadly serious. Now get the fuck off me.” I start struggling harder and Andy slams me against the wall so hard it knocks the breath out of me. “Please, Andy,” I whisper with all the breath I can manage. “Please let me go.”

“Never. I told you that once, Rayn, don’t you remember? I told you I’ll never let you go, and I won’t. I love you and I’m going to be with you forever.”

“Like hell you will. You ruined my life and I don’t want you anywhere near me.”

“Ruined your life? What the hell are you talking about?”

“You outed me, Andy. You had no right.”

“You wanted it. It was killing you to be sneaking around all the time.”

“You’re right, it was hard for me, but telling my parents wasn’t the answer. I knew what would happen and that’s why I couldn’t tell them. I told you to wait until I left home. All I asked was a couple of months and then I would have been free. On my terms. They would have found me a place, paid my tuition. They’d have still been my family and I’d have chosen my time to tell them. As it was, all your little announcement achieved was getting me beaten and thrown out on my ear. I was homeless, lost. Where were you then? Where were you when I was sleeping under a bridge, stealing food to survive? Where were you when I decided I didn’t want to survive anymore and stole a pack of razor blades from a chemist?”

“I didn’t know, Rayn, I swear. I didn’t know what had happened. No one told me. I came looking for you but you were gone. I’ve been searching for you ever since.”

Oh, he’s smooth, I’ll give him that, very smooth. If I didn’t know better I could almost have believed him. “You’re a liar, Andy. You knew. Everyone knew. I was in the psychiatric hospital for three months because of what you did. I tried to kill myself because I had no home, no life, no you. You ran out on me. You dropped your bombshell then ran out. You left me to face them alone and when they threw me out, beaten and bleeding, where were you then? I tried to find you. I tried everywhere but no one had seen you. I left messages, phoned you over and over. You blanked me. You saw the way my parents reacted and you didn’t want to get caught in the crossfire so you dumped me and ran. That’s how much you fucking loved me.”

“You know how much I hate confrontation. It wasn’t my fight, but I would have been there for you afterwards.”

“There for me? Where? Not at home. Not with friends. Not at the end of a phone. Just how did you think I was going to find you?”

“I…needed time. I was shocked, Rayn. I never expected them to react like that and it shocked the hell out of me. I needed time to—.”

“Save is for someone who cares. The fact is you’re a manipulative asshole who never gave a shit about me. My psychiatrist helped me see that and I’ll be grateful to him forever. I’m free of you now, Andy. I’ve got a new boyfriend and I love him very much.”

Andy laughs and it isn’t a nice laugh. “That retard? I’ve been watching you. You’re really scraping the bottom of the barrel with him. You should thank me for rescuing you from that.”

“Daniel is the sweetest, gentlest and most caring person you could imagine. He may be a little strange but he’s intelligent and wise in his own way. He’s worth ten of you.”

“I know you’re angry, Rayn. I don’t blame you. But I know you love me. I know you still want me.”

“Get off me, Andy. Let me go. I don’t want you. I just want you to leave me alone.”

“Hush baby. I know you don’t mean that. Just relax and enjoy.”

“Enjoy? Enjoy what? Get the fuck away from me.”

“Keep still, Rayn. You’re going to hurt yourself if you keep throwing yourself around like that.”

“Let me go and I won’t have to. I—”

Andy cuts off my words with a kiss and though I struggle I can’t break away. I can barely breathe. I try to complain, to yell, damn I even try to bite him but it’s all to no avail. I can’t even get my leg free to knee him in the balls. Oh Jesus Christ. Still pinning me helplessly to the wall with his body, which is bigger and stronger than mine, and crushing my face with his kiss, his hand reaches between us and starts to rub me, hard.

“Stop. Stop.” My pleas are lost, snatched by his kiss and I struggle desperately as he gropes for my zip and tugs it down. Oh god no. He’s not going to rape me right here. He can’t. Please god don’t let him rape me.

Andy’s hand slips inside my trousers and somehow finds its way inside my underpants. I whimper as he goes to work. He’s always been good at this. I feel sick.

The sound of the door opening snaps Andy’s head up. The relief is amazing. I turn my head to yell, to scream, to beg for help. Nothing comes out of my mouth. I’m frozen. It’s Daniel. His eyes rove over us. My lips are bruised from the kiss and I’m flushed and breathless. How must this look? I’m even more horrified when I realise Andy’s moved back a little and Daniel can see what his hand is doing. It’s that, that snaps me out of it. “Daniel,” I yell. “Daniel, help me.” But Daniel’s gone. I’ll never forget the look on his face as he turns and flees. My Daniel ran away from me.

Suddenly, anger bursts in my breast. Before I fought for me. I didn’t really want to hurt Andy, I just wanted to be free. Now, I want something different. I want to hurt him. I want to make him pay for that look.

Drawing my head back I bring it forward to connect with his nose as hard as I can. Andy yells and staggers back, blood pouring from his nose. I should run after Daniel. Now I’m free I should run straight inside and explain. But I want to punish Andy. I have to punish him. Months of pent up pain and anger rise up inside me and I throw myself at him.

Andy falls backwards and I straddle him, punching him again and again. With a huge thrust he throws me backwards and my head hits the floor with a crack. For a moment I see stars, then a shocking pain in my cheek brings me round to realise it’s now Andy who’s punching me and his second punch splits my lip and drives my teeth into my cheek. Fuck that hurts. I raise my arms to defend myself but suddenly the blows stop. I blink upwards wondering what the hell’s happening and find myself yanked to my feet. I almost sob in relief to see a small crowd and two burly waiters, one holding Andy who’s struggling to get at me, and the other holding me.

“Right, you two. The police have been called and you’re going nowhere until they get here.”

“But I have to. Daniel’s in there and I have to see him. I have to explain. I have to—”

“You’ll have plenty of time to explain – to the police.”

“But I…I haven’t done anything. He was… he had me pinned against the wall and he was…. I…I had to…”

With a horrible sinking feeling I realise that no one saw what was happening. Daniel saw what he wanted to see, well what he feared to see, and no one else have been anywhere near. It’s Andy’s word against mine and Andy’s a much better liar than me.

“That fucking…fucking fag,” Andy gasps sounding outraged. “He came on to me and when I told him I wasn’t interested he attacked me. Look at him. He’d have had that out and up my arse before I knew it if I hadn’t fought him off.”

I realise with sickening shame, that my trousers are still undone and my tackle showing. Oh no, no, no, no.

“It wasn’t like that. I swear it wasn’t like that. It…It was him. He was the one who….”

“Save it for the police.”

The waiters drag us off to the restaurant office and there’s nothing I can do about it.