Being Cam - 3. September 29th

My mind hadn’t stopped turning since lunch yesterday. All those thoughts bouncing around. What was I? I never really needed to think about it before but something clicked. Maybe it was being a year older now. My hormones or something might have activated overnight. Everyone else was talking about dating and crushes for years now, maybe I was just a late bloomer? More than likely I was just weird. Emma would have smacked me if she heard me say that but I’m allowed to say it since it’s my journal after all. Free flowing thoughts are all that pour out on these pages.

It was the middle of the night, sitting in front of my computer screen, door locked, curtains drawn. I felt like I was part of some undercover sting. What I was about to do I didn’t want anyone to know about. Ever. Not even myself.

Eww. Get your mind out of the gutter. That’s not what I’m talking about. That’s the furthest thing from my mind right now. All I want to do it figure what these feeling might be. Google was a magical place. Type a few words of what you’re thinking and 10,000 different websites of information come up, 97% of it probably made up facts.

Whew. Here we go.

The first article that came up was from the Trevor Project, an organization providing a 24 hour a day suicide hotline for LGBTQA youth. Half of those letters didn’t even make sense to me. Before long I fell into the black hole of internet searching. One link after another led me to more information about things I never heard of. Transgender, bisexual, asexual, demisexual and so many other terms on a spectrum of sexualities that I didn’t even know about.

Something about the last one stuck out to me: demisexual. Someone who doesn’t experience sexual attraction unless they form a strong emotional connection to someone first.

Maybe that’s what I was. Other than Emma, Isaac and Nate I didn’t really have any strong connections with anyone. Or even talk to anyone else really.

That would make sense. Right? Why am I asking you? Or myself I guess. The pages aren’t going to answer me. I wasn’t going to answer me. I was clueless about almost everything to do with myself. Anyone actually. All things if I’m being honest.

So maybe that’s why I didn’t have feelings or stirrings like everyone else did. I just hadn’t formed that connection with anyone yet.

My mind drifted again as I scrolled through article after article about my new discovery. Support groups for LGBT youth, charities raising money for events, Pride celebrations and even a group in Buckettsburg for teens who are figuring stuff out like this.

That’s a scary thought. Who in this town could possibly be thinking things like this? On the side of the screen was a little flashing icon saying 4 visitors online now! I wonder who it could be?

Bzzz. Bzzz.

My phone lit up scaring the crap out of me. It was 2 a.m. Somehow it felt like someone knew what I was doing and immediately I felt wrong and guilty.

Nate: You awake?