Stepping Out in Faith - 9. Chapter 7a

Andy found himself just inside the entrance of Ritz with a deep sense of déjà vu. He couldn’t help but compare the difference between tonight and just a week ago; the deafening music and press of sweaty men still shocked his senses in the most uncomfortable way, but Andy easily overlooked it this time in his eagerness to see Marcus again.

It didn’t take long for Andy to find him. Marcus stood by the bar, close to where they’d met that first night. Andy’s gaze lingered on Marcus’ unruly curls and tight body encased in black jeans and t-shirt. That familiar fire sparked in the middle of Andy’s gut and seeped through the rest of his body.

Making his way through the crowd, Andy stopped a couple of yards away when he noticed Marcus talking to another man. Not the same man as last time, Andy noticed, but still an attractive man. Was this some kind of time warp? Was he reliving that previous night again?

Marcus and his friend stood close and leaned in closer to whisper into each other’s ear. The man put his hand across the back of Marcus’ neck to force Marcus to look at him. Marcus responded with a hand low on the other man’s hip. It wasn’t difficult to see that they were more than mere acquaintances.

Andy wondered whether he had misinterpreted Marcus’ text message. Maybe Marcus just wanted sex again and was testing the field before Andy arrived. Suddenly, Andy wasn’t sure he wanted to be here anymore.

Before he could decide what to do, Marcus’ friend spotted Andy and frowned. Andy didn’t know how the other man recognized him, but the guy’s body language said he didn’t like Andy’s presence. Marcus noticed his friend’s reaction and turned to follow his gaze. The smile that spread across Marcus’ face melted Andy’s insides, even if it didn’t ease all of his insecurities.

The scene replayed itself: Marcus stalked toward him just like last time, and just like last time, Andy’s heart raced. Everything around him—the crowd of bodies, the booming music—all faded, and Andy saw only Marcus and the way his body moved when he walked. There was beauty right there. The same kind of beauty Marcus captured in those drawings; Andy recognized it in Marcus amid the crowded bar.

He stood transfixed as Marcus approached. Like last time, he didn’t stop at arm’s length but came right up to Andy until mere inches separated them. Marcus held his lips above Andy’s mouth while they both breathed hard and shared each other’s air. If they stuck to the old script, this would be the part where Marcus told him to get lost. But Andy didn’t come here tonight to replay the old script; he came for a new one.

He leaned up to close the short distance between them in a full-body kiss; their tongues dueled, teeth nipped, bodies pressed flush against the other while arms reached around to bring them even closer. The kiss drove all thoughts, all insecurities, and all confusion from Andy’s mind. He buried his fingers into Marcus’ hair and reveled in the strong arms that encircled him. Andy’s cock grew hard in his pants, and he felt Marcus’ own response grow against his thigh. It made him that much hungrier for Marcus.

“Seriously?! Hello?!” A voice sounded off in the distance. “Unbelievable! Ugh!”

Marcus broke off the kiss and leaned his forehead against Andy’s. What just happened? Andy panted as his brain raced to catch up with the rest of his body. That didn’t feel like a normal kiss; that felt like a nuclear explosion.

“Excuse me!”

Andy realized that the far-off voice was actually standing next to them and belonged to Marcus’ friend. He reluctantly separated himself from Marcus and reached up to wipe his mouth, run a hand through his hair, and straighten his clothes.

Marcus cleared his throat. “Um, Andy, this is Stephen, my best friend since... Well, since before either of us could walk. Stephen, this is Andy.”

Stephen gave Andy a onceover, and Andy fought the urge to fold his arms across his chest.

“Pleased to meet you,” Stephen said.

His tone didn’t sound very pleased to Andy’s ears, but he still took Stephen’s extended hand.

“The pleasure’s mine,” Andy croaked.

Stephen scoffed. “Sure, it is.”

“Stephen!” Marcus scolded before Andy could process what he had said.

“Sorry,” Stephen said. He rolled his eyes.

“Jesus, what’s the hell’s wrong with you?” Marcus swore. Andy cringed at the curse.

Stephen raised an amused eyebrow and looked back and forth between Marcus and Andy.

“Language, Marcus,” Stephen scolded. He turned to Andy. “Such a dirty, dirty mouth. But then, you know that already, don’t you?”

Andy flushed a bright red as he caught Stephen’s innuendo.

“Fuck you, Stephen,” Marcus said. He stepped in front of Andy.

“Not a chance.” Stephen chuckled. He blew an air kiss and walked away.

Andy didn’t fully understand what just happened with Stephen, but he understood enough to know that Stephen didn’t want him here.

“I’m so sorry. Stephen can be an asshole sometimes.” Marcus took hold of both of Andy’s arms to pull him back into an embrace, but Andy resisted. That kiss had radiated his brain, and he needed a minute to clear his mind.

“That’s okay.”

Marcus shook his head. “No, it’s not okay. But don’t let Stephen get to you. He’s such a drama queen; it doesn’t mean anything.”

Andy wanted to believe Marcus, but that brief encounter made perfectly clear that Stephen didn’t like him. He disapproved of whatever was going on between them, and Andy couldn’t help but wonder if Stephen had a point. Maybe Stephen could see what a fraud he was, and he would be justified because Andy felt like a fraud.

Marcus put a hand on Andy’s cheek, forcing him to look up and meet his gaze. There was tenderness and concern; Andy saw it all in Marcus’ eyes, which helped put Andy’s doubts aside. Andy didn’t feel like he deserved any of it, but it felt so good to just bask in Marcus’ attention. Marcus—who gave him peace, who made him feel safe. In the light of day, the Catholic Church made clear the sinfulness of his feelings for Marcus, but in the shadows of night, those feelings felt so right.

Andy sighed when Marcus pulled him in for a tight hug, and their hearts synched as they reconnected. Andy felt his heart calm, and rather than dwell on the enormity of his confusion, he decided to set aside his worries for the night and just enjoy the feeling of Marcus against him.

“Dance with me?” Marcus asked.

Andy leaned back to look at Marcus. “I thought you didn’t dance.”

Marcus shrugged. “Think of it as an excuse to hold you.”

Andy laughed out loud at the sheepish look on Marcus’ face.

Marcus just rolled his eyes. “You lead.”

“Sure.”

Andy swayed them from side to side and turned slowly in a circle. It didn’t matter that the music was a fast hitting dance beat; they danced to their own unheard melody. Foreheads touched, and noses rubbed back and forth. They held each other so close that their visions couldn’t focus. Andy had no idea how long they danced, but he wanted to stay there forever. The disappointment he felt when Marcus pulled back a fraction surprised Andy more than he wanted to admit.

“I need to go to the bathroom,” Marcus said.

“Okay.”

Marcus paused. “I’m not sure you should visit the bathroom.”

“Why not?” Andy frowned.

“There are... extracurricular activities in there.” Marcus smiled.

It took Andy a minute to fully understand what Marcus was referring to.

“Oh....”

“Don’t worry.” Marcus laughed. “I just need to pee. Go wait for me by the bar; I’ll be right back.”

Marcus gave Andy a quick peck on the lips before spinning away.

Andy looked around in a daze, suddenly reminded of where he was. Without Marcus there to hold him, the dance floor again felt too claustrophobic, and Andy made his way to the bar to try to escape the crowd.

“Hey, Father Andy.”

Andy’s hackles rose as Stephen sidled up to him by the bar.

“So you’re a priest, huh?” Stephen asked.

Andy hesitated, not sure what Stephen was driving at.

“Yeah,” he answered.

“But you’re gay.”

Andy had the denial on the tip of his tongue. No, he wasn’t gay. He couldn’t be gay; it was forbidden. But he found that difficult to argue when Stephen just witnessed him making out with a man.

“Oh, wait, you can’t be gay,” Stephen continued. “Because you’re Catholic, and gays go to hell, right?”

Yes, that was true. That was what the Bible taught. But Andy suddenly couldn’t bring himself to defend the teachings of the faith he held so dear.

He didn’t like the way Stephen looked at him, that same appraising look as before, as if he could see into Andy’s inner thoughts.

Stephen chuckled and shook his head.

“Listen, I don’t know you. Maybe you’re a really sweet guy. But I know Marcus, and Marcus doesn’t always listen to reason. You’re deep in the closet; you might never come out. Marcus deserves better than that. He deserves someone like that Charles he was seeing right before you came back into the picture. Charles is a nice guy; he’s funny and hot. And most importantly, he’s out and proud. He’s not ashamed of who he is, not ashamed of what he could have with Marcus. Can you give Marcus that?”

Stephen paused as Andy digested his argument. No, he couldn’t give Marcus that. He didn’t know how to give Marcus that.

“No, I didn’t think so.” Stephen chuckled. “So please do us all a favor and stop leading him on.”

“Hey, what’s going on here?” The tone of Marcus’ voice as he approached the bar made it clear that he hadn’t heard Stephen’s little tirade.

“Oh, nothing,” Stephen said. “Just having a little heart-to-heart with Andy here. Good talk, sweetheart.”

Stephen gave Andy a wink before turning to Marcus.

“I’ll see you later.” He leaned in for a quick peck on Marcus’ cheek before he disappeared into the crowd again.

“Andy?” Marcus asked.

He let Marcus pull him into a hug and absorbed the assurance that Marcus offered. But Stephen’s words still rang in his ears; Marcus deserved more than what Andy had to give. Who was he kidding? He didn’t have anything to give. He had already dedicated his life to the Church. The more time he spent with Marcus, the harder it was to remember that, but it didn’t make it any less true.

“I should go.” Andy reluctantly pulled himself away from Marcus.

Marcus glanced at his phone to check the time.

“Yeah, sure, let’s go.”

Andy let Marcus lead him outside. He had meant to go home alone, but he couldn’t bring himself to pull his hand out of Marcus’ tight grip. Once outside, however, Andy managed to wrestle his hand free and stuffed both in his pockets.

“I think I should go home,” Andy said. “Maybe this was a bad idea.”

“What? Why? Did Stephen say something?” Marcus frowned.

“No, yes... I mean, it’s not...” Andy sighed.

“What did he say?”

“Nothing.” Andy shook his head. He debated the wisdom of bringing this up. “He just mentioned your boyfriend.”

“My boyfriend? What boyfriend?”

Andy hesitated. “Charles.”

“Charles?” Marcus was incredulous. “I went on maybe two dates with Charles. He’s not my boyfriend.”

Andy didn’t want to acknowledge the relief he felt at those words.

“Stephen needs to mind his own business, okay? Don’t listen to him; he doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”

Andy felt torn; his heart told him to go along with Marcus and see where this thing led, but his brain reminded him that the situation wasn’t so simple. The conflicting thoughts clashed in Andy’s mind until his head physically hurt and his chest constricted painfully.

“Hey, hey, Doe Eyes.” Marcus framed Andy’s face with both hands. “It’s okay, really. I can see the wheels turning in there, but whatever’s bothering you isn’t worth getting so worked up over. Okay? Let’s just… walk.” Marcus smiled and gestured down the street.

And Marcus did it again: read Andy’s mind and eased his panic with a few simple words. Andy nodded. A walk sounded nice; he liked walks.

He fell into step next to Marcus as they headed down Eighth Avenue. They walked in silence and weaved in and around the other pedestrians on the sidewalk. Despite having been in New York for many months already, Andy still couldn’t get over how busy the city got in the middle of the night.

After several blocks, he felt calm enough to talk again. “So you’ve known Stephen a long time?” He liked the amused smile that graced Marcus’ lips.

“Yeah, we grew up together. And he’s been a pain in the ass the entire time.”

Andy couldn’t help laughing out loud. “He’s protective of you.”

Marcus shrugged. “I guess I can be protective of him, too, at times.”

“That must be nice—to have someone who’ll watch out for you.”

“You don’t have someone like that?”

Andy cocked his head. “No, not really.”

“You didn’t have any best friends growing up?”

“No, I was a loner.”

“Well, those kids were missing out.” Marcus bumped against Andy’s shoulder, and Andy ducked his head at the compliment. He tried to ignore the way his shoulder tingled at the contact with Marcus’ body.

“What about the other priests you work with?” Marcus continued. “Don’t you guys talk about stuff?”

“Um, sort of. I mean, we talk about work.”

“Don’t Catholics have to do that confession thing? Or are priests exempt?”

“No, we’re not exempt.” Andy fell silent; he didn’t like the direction of this conversation.

“Sorry, sorry.” Marcus picked up on Andy’s discomfort immediately. “Forget I mentioned it.”

“It’s okay.” Andy’s heart warmed at how sensitive Marcus was to his feelings. How did he read him so well?

“You know, you’ve got an amazing voice. And you’re great at the piano.”

Andy chuckled at the memory of his singing with Sophie. “Thanks. My parents got me started on music early on. I played the organ for mass when I was in high school.”

“Yeah? Do you play other instruments?”

“Just the guitar.”

“‘Just?’ You sing, play the piano, the organ and the guitar. That’s not ‘just’.”

“Well, what about you? You’re an artist even if you don’t want to admit it.”

Marcus chuckled. “I’m an art director, not an artist. There’s a big difference.”

“What’s the difference?”

Marcus took a moment before answering. “My job is pretty much to be a sales person. How do we sell people this thing they may or may not need? But real art… is about seeing the world around us and manifesting ideas in a physical way. I don’t know if that makes any sense.”

Andy took in the far-off look in Marcus’ eyes and that hint of reverence in his voice. There was that beauty again. Andy saw it in the sweet tilt of Marcus’ lips and heard it in the sincerity of his words.

“It does.” Andy’s voice was soft.

Marcus turned to smile at him, and Andy was so distracted by the tenderness in Marcus’ eyes that he forgot to keep walking. They stopped on the sidewalk.

“It’s like those drawings I made of you.” Marcus’ voice was softer now, gravely and low. “You thought they were beautiful, but I just put down on paper what I saw. The beauty was all you.”

Andy’s cheeks flushed, and his breath hitched at Marcus’ sweet words. He felt bare and exposed under Marcus’ gaze, as if Marcus saw through to the very deepest crevices of Andy’s soul. He should’ve been terrified, but instead he felt relief. Andy spent most of his life striving to live up to certain standards and expectations, but he didn’t feel like he needed to with Marcus. With Marcus, he could just… be.

A movement caught Andy’s eye, and he dropped his gaze to Marcus’ hand hovering halfway between them. When he looked back up, Marcus had a wry smile on his face. He made a quick scan around and dropped his hand to his side. Andy knew that Marcus had restrained himself for Andy’s benefit, yet he felt strangely bereft because of it.

“We’re not far from my place,” Marcus said. “Want to come over?”

Andy knew he shouldn’t; he had already stayed out too late. But he found himself nodding in agreement. He wasn’t ready to leave the sanctuary of Marcus’ presence just yet.

“Come on.” Marcus nodded down the street with a crooked grin and led the way home.