Liam's story - 3. Chapter 3

Chapter three:

Toby looked good, he had obviously showered and shaved. He didn’t look as lost and disheveled as he had this morning. I got into his car with the usual pleasantries, the ride was mostly silent, though not uncomfortably so. At first his driving seemed aimless until he turned north to go out of town. We were going to ‘devil’s pasture’ it was a large parcel of crown land with a river running through it where we had all camped numerous times through the years. It was also Josh’s favorite place, I loved it too. It was big, private, quiet, and peaceful. It was about 30 minutes out of town and hard to stumble on if you didn’t know where to look, it took many turns and was down winding gravel and dirt roads. When we got there Toby opened his trunk and pulled out two folding chairs and a cooler. He set everything up overlooking the river.

I was the first to speak, I continued looking straight ahead to the river rather than directly at Toby. “Why do you think he did it?” I asked Toby, it was a question that ran through my mind countless times a day as I’m sure it did Toby’s, and my parents, and everyone who knew Josh, this was just the first time I had voiced it. I could feel Toby’s eyes on me for a moment before he spoke. “ I don’t know man, I’ve been wondering the same thing myself ever since it happened. Wondering if maybe I missed something ya know? Maybe if I paid more attention I could’ve prevented it.”

“Me too, Toby. I keep playing over in my head every minute I spent with him, and every conversation we had in the last two weeks but I just can’t figure it out.”

“Yeah, he always was able to keep things private if he wanted to. I don’t think he wanted us to know. What really gets to me is wondering how long he had been pretending ya know? He obviously wasn’t happy, and neither you or me who knew him better that anyone had any Idea. He pretended and I can’t even imagine what he must have actually been feeling. How bad he must have felt to think that was his only way out.”

I had to swallow past the lump in my throat before responding. “ I’ve thought about that a lot too. Its hard though, I really do try to imagine how he was feeling, but at the same time I’m so sad and so angry. Angry at him for doing this to me. Didn’t he know how it would affect me? How it would affect mom and dad, and you, and everyone who loved him?” I was shouting my the time I finished. I really was angry, angry and sad. I calmed down some before adding quietly “ I get so angry at him for doing this to me, and then I just feel guilty for making this about me. He was obviously in a lot of pain and couldn’t see a way out and I’m just thinking about myself. I’m so tired Toby. I so tired of feeling all of this.” I was crying by the end of my little rant, I stood up and paced around on the grass. “And I keep fucking crying all the time.”

Toby stood up and walked towards me, his eyes were wet, but he obviously had more control over his emotions than I did because he wasn’t actually crying. “Me too man, all the time and at the worst places. I was at the mall with my mom two days ago and I started crying in the food court, that was embarrassing. Don’t worry about it man.”

I wiped my eyes and looked at him. “Thanks Tobe.” He simply smiled at me and went back over to his chair, reaching in the cooler that sat between the two chairs. I was hoping he would pull out a beer but instead he pulled out two cans of coke, put one in his cup holder and extended the other one out towards me. I took it and sat back down in my chair. I felt a little better, lighter somehow.

We spent the rest of the afternoon just sitting and chatting, when it got too hot we moved our chairs closer to river bank and sat with our feet in the water. As we talked I realized that I didn’t know Toby as well as I thought. He had been Josh’s best friend and I had spent a lot of time with him, had been infatuated with him for as long as I can remember but I really didn’t know him. I had always been a little shy around him, almost nervous. But sitting here with him by the river I really got to know Toby. The more I knew him the more I liked him.

He was a year ahead of me, so while I had one month left of high school he had just finished up his first year of university. Majoring in Biology with a double minor in chemistry and physics, he planned on being a science teacher. I couldn’t help but smile as he talked thinking her really would make an awesome teacher. He told me all about his life at university, he and Josh had attended together, both commuting the 20 minutes from home with plans of getting an apartment close to campus together for the next year of school. I noticed the saddness in his eyes when he talked about Josh, but there was also a happiness there when he shared fond memories or funny stories. We both found ourselves laughing and sometimes crying as we sat there and talked, but that was okay. It was nice sitting there with him, I felt free and relaxed, until he stopped talking about himself and started asking questions about me.

They started off innocently enough, asking about swimming and running as I was on my school swim team as well as track and field. I told him about the track scholarship I received at BU. I would be attending the same school as Toby next year. He didn’t laugh like many of my friends did when I told him I was planning in majoring in nursing next year. “Good choice man, lot’s of job opportunities when you get out, and surrounded by hot young nursing students all day. It’s a win-win.” I blushed at his last comment. Josh had known I was gay, he had actually figured out that I had a secret crush on Toby, but it seemed he hadn’t mentioned that to Toby.

Choosing to ignore that comment, I carried on talking to Toby. I was going back to school in a few days and would have two weeks of school work to catch up on. Though thankfully only one more month of school before having two months off for summer. We moved into a comfortable silence as the sun began to set over the river. It was beautiful, the sound of the river flowing and the beautiful pink and yellow glow of the sunset. I wanted to stay in that moment forever.

“So, you got a girlfriend or anything Liam?” Toby asked. I shifted slightly in my seat and avoided eye contact with him as I mumbled my rely.

“Uh, girlfriend? Um, no. You?” It was strange but he almost seemed as shy as I had felt when he replied.

“Uh, nope. No girlfriend for this guy... Look Liam, I think maybe...” he seemed to hesitate, but finished his thought with “I think maybe we should get going now.” Although I am sure that’s not what he had intended to say originally I let it go.

We folded up our chairs and headed back to his car. We were back to talking about lighter subjects. The 30 minute ride back to my house seemed much quicker as we talked and laughed. It was fully dark by the time Toby pulled out in front of my house, the only window lit up was the living room and my Aunt’s car was gone, so thankfully I wouldn’t have to sit and interact with my family, well other than my mom and dad. “Thanks for the day Toby, I needed that.” I said before I opened the car door to leave. As I was about to leave I felt his hand on my arm, stopping me. “No problem man, I think I did too. If you ever need to talk to someone, or just get out you have my number.” “Thanks.” This time I really did get out the car.