Liam's story - 1. Chapter 1

Chapter one:

It was the middle of May. May 20th actually, and it was an unseasonably warm day. The sky was blue and the sun was shining, there wasn’t a cloud in the sky. I’m sure if I listened hard enough I would have heard the birds chirping. I wasn’t listening for that, I was standing in the middle of the cemetery where we had just buried my brother. The funeral service had been over a few hours by now, I’m not sure exactly how long but there was no one left. Just me, alone. I had dismissed my parents when they asked me to leave with them, they were having a gathering at our house for some family and close friends. I didn’t want the company, I didn’t want to be in a room full of people laughing at funny stories about Josh and crying at the realization that there will be no more.

I’m not sure how long I stood there just staring at the lump of dirt that I knew covered his casket. There was no headstone yet, that was to come next week. The sun was beginning to set and the air was starting to get a chill to it. A reminder that it really wasn’t summer yet. I heard the grass rustling behind me as someone was walking towards me. At first I figured it must be someone visiting one of the many other graves in the cemetery but I noticed the footsteps getting closer to me and stopping about a foot short of where I stood.

I don’t know who I had expected it to be but seeing Toby standing there was not it. Toby had been Josh’s best friend (other than me of course) since nursery school. He was standing there in his dress pants and shirt looking at me through red-rimmed eyes. He wasn’t crying now but you could tell that he had been quite recently. I felt a wave of guilt, I had been so consumed in my own anger and my own pain over Josh’s death that I really hadn’t thought of how it was affecting anyone else. Seeing Toby standing there, looking as lost and as hurt as I felt was too much. I looked away from him to stare at the pile of dirt again. He spoke first. “ I was at your folks house for a bit. There’s a lot of people there.” He was quiet for a minute, probably feeling as awkward as I was, not knowing what to say. “ I overheard your mom telling your aunt that you wouldn’t come home with them. That was five hours ago and she’s starting to get worried. I told her I would come look for you.” Five hours? Had I really been standing here for five hours? Its strange how our perception of time changes based on the events of our lives.

I didn’t reply to him, I may have subtly nodded my head in acknowledgment but that was about it. I heard the grass rustle underneath his feet just a second before I felt his hand on my shoulder. He was standing right next to me, still holding my shoulder and although I wasn’t looking at him I could feel his eyes looking at me. He lightly squeezed my shoulder before he spoke. “ Hey man, you can’t stay out here all night, your folks are worried about you. Let me take you home.” I turned towards Toby, he looked so tired and so sad, so very, very sad. He looked exactly as I felt. He looked so un-Toby like. Toby was always the bubbly, peppy, happy one. He always had a mischievous sparkle to his eyes and a grin on his face, but today he just looked defeated.

I’m not sure why, but looking at Toby standing there looking lost and exhausted did it. I could feel the flood of all the emotions I had previously been numb to hitting me. My brother had died a week ago and until now I had been numb. Numb to the sadness , to the pain, the anger, the hurt, the deep ache in my heart that felt like an elephant sitting on my chest. I could feel my eyes filling with tears, it was becoming harder to breathe. My breaths were coming out shallow and fast and I was close to hyperventilating. No longer able to hold my own weight I would have hit the ground had Toby not grabbed a hold of me and pulled me in to a tight embrace. He was hugging me and supporting all of my weight. I allowed myself to lean in to him, I’m not sure how long we stood there like that. Him supporting me while I clung to him and cried. I could feel one hand gently stroking my head and I could hear him speaking softly in to my ear, although I have no idea what he was saying. I couldn’t make out the words over the sound of my own sobbing.

When I had finally pulled myself together enough to stand on my own two feet I felt Toby take my hand in his. He gently pulled me away from Josh’s grave and walked me slowly to his car. He held my hand the whole way and opened the passenger side door for me, closing once I was inside. Had this happened under any other circumstance I’m sure I would have been ecstatic. Josh was only a year and a couple months older than me, only one grade ahead. While he had become best friends with Toby in Nursery school I had fallen in love with him and had been ever since. It was hard not to fall in love with someone like Toby, yes he was easy on the eyes with his deep blue eyes, square jaw and chestnut brown hair. He had a tall muscular body, his 6’1” frame was solidly built through years of team sports and gym time. But it was more than his looks, he was a genuinely nice guy. He never complained when I would tag along with him and Josh when we were kids, he was Josh’s friend but he always made me feel included when I would hang out with them.

The drive back to my house was a quiet one, neither of us spoke and Toby had the radio turned down. I mostly stared blankly out of the window. When we pulled up to my house I made no move to get out of the car. Toby came around to my side, opened to door for me and took my hand once again as he walked me from the car to the door. I was still in no mood to socialize with the few guests who still lingered at our house. When we walked in the door I could hear voices coming from the kitchen. Toby didn’t even try to steer me towards the voices, he kept hold of my hand and gently led me up the stairs to my room. As we walked down the hall upstairs I noticed that the door to Josh’s room was closed. I stopped in front of it, not sure of what to do. I felt Toby tug on my hand and lead me further down the hall to my own bedroom.

I was still lost when we made it in to my room. I didn’t know what I was supposed to be doing. It felt weird to be doing anything at all knowing that Josh will never do anything again. I was vaguely aware of Toby opening and closing the drawers of my dresser. He found what he was looking for as he handed me a pair of PJ bottoms. He told me to get changed while he went downstairs to tell my parents I had made it home safe. I looked at my alarm clock, it was 8:45 at night, it was early but I was exhausted. Physically, mentally and emotionally. I hadn’t made any move to change my clothes when my door opened and Toby let himself back into my room. I heard him softly sigh as he walked towards me.

Once he coached me through changing into my PJ bottoms and getting me into bed he started to walk towards my bedroom door. The thought of him leaving and me being alone with all these feelings I was beginning to feel made me panic. “Stay.” I said out loud to him as he reached for the door knob. He looked towards me, not saying anything. “Please stay, I don’t think I can stand being alone tonight.” I know how pathetic I must have sounded but he didn’t say anything to that effect. He didn’t say anything at all. He lowered his hand from the door, went back over to the dresser and took a pair of PJ bottoms for himself. They were a little short on him as he was 6’1” to my 5’8”. And more than a little tight, as he was tall and strong, with a muscled body from years of sports and time spent at the gym. Where as I was short with lean muscles from a lifetime of swimming and running. He didn’t complain though, he simply turned off the light and climbed into my bed. I felt his arm reach around my waist and pull me towards him. We were lying with my back to his chest, with his head resting on mine. I began to feel a wetness on my temple, followed by some sniffling and then his body shaking behind me as he held me to him. He was spooned behind me, so the only comfort I could offer was to wrap my arms around his that were holding me. I snuggled closer to him and fell asleep to the sound of him quietly crying.