Liam's story - 2. Chapter 2

Chapter two:

I woke up the next morning groggy, I realized immediately that I was not alone in the bed. There was an arm draped over my abdomen, a body pressed up against my back and the tickle of breath on my neck. As I came around I recognized the body behind me as Toby. I held on to his arm and cuddled in closer, relishing the warmth of his touch. I felt sick with myself to be enjoying something like the touch of a man, my brothers best friend but I couldn’t stop myself. Lying in bed with him holding me was the most comforted I had felt since Josh’s death a week ago.

After about ten minutes I could feel Toby stirring behind me. I felt him pull me in closer and squeeze me to him as he wriggled his body closer to mine. I let out a small gasp. This must have startled him because all of a sudden the closeness was gone. His arm was no longer draped over my abdomen, I couldn’t fell the heat from his body against my back and his breath no longer tickled my neck. He hadn’t gotten up off the bed simply rolled over on to his back. I rolled over to face him, he was looking up at the ceiling silently. I broke the silence. “Sorry.” I muttered quietly. I heard a sigh and watched his chest deflate. He looked over at me, turning his whole body to face me. We were lying face to face about a foot and a half apart in my bed. After Toby had repositioned him self he responded. “There’s nothing to be sorry for, I think I needed the comfort as much as you did last night.”

“Well thank you, I would probably still be standing at the cemetery if you hadn’t come and got me.” My remark about the cemetery brought back the reality of the situation. It was only eight days since my brother had died. I could feel my eyes start to well up with tears, I tried to blink them away but a few escaped, running down my temple. I moved to turn away from Toby to hide, but before I had the chance is hand reached to my face and wiped away my tears. He gave me a sad smile “Yeah, I miss him too. Its just feels so surreal, I really can’t believe that he’s gone.” Unable to speak past the lump in my throat I just slowly nodded. Toby brought his body closer to mine and wrapped me in a hug. My head was in his chest and he was slowly rubbing circles on my back and murmuring into my ear.

By the time I pulled myself together my bladder was screaming for release, I reluctantly pulled out of his embrace and headed towards the bathroom. When I was finished I looked at my self in the mirror. I wasn’t the same man I saw in the mirror two weeks ago, although I was only 17 I felt as though I had aged at least five years in the last week. My face looked sad, my eyes were red with huge purple bags underneath them. I stared at myself in the mirror for a few more minutes before splashing cold water on my face and heading back to my room.

When I got to my room Toby was standing there, dressed in his clothes from last night sitting in the corner of my bed. He stood when I entered the room, his eyes downcast and staring at the floor. He looked awkward, as though he suddenly felt out of place. “I Guess I should get going.” He said very slowly looking up at me. “Uh, yeah, sure, I guess. I mean you probably have stuff you gotta do. I don’t wanna hold you up or anything...” I was rambling my response when he cut me off. “ Thanks for last night Liam, I needed a friend.” He walked passed me out of my room, closing my door as he left.

I looked at my clock, it was only 7:15. I took myself back over to the bed and got under the covers, I could still smell Toby there. His smell was both comforting and torturous. Comforting because it reminded me of the closeness of last night, and torturous as it reminded how empty my bed felt now, a reminder that I was alone. I must have drifted off to sleep again because the next this I remember was my mom sitting on the side of my bed gently waking me up.

She was sitting next to me, rubbing my shoulder and arm gently saying my name. Looking up at her just made me feel more miserable. She looked awful, her eyes red and raw looking, her hair disheveled and a look of defeat on her face. She looked old and tired. “Liam, sweetie its 11 O’clock. I thought I should come get you up. How are you feeling?”

“Honestly, I’m feeling like I could just spend the day in bed today. I know grandma and grandpa are coming over, with aunt Shelly but to be honest I don’t want to have to sit and make small talk with them. I want to sit in my room, cry, feel sorry for my self, and maybe take a nap or two.”

I was surprised she was letting me get away with that. “Okay sweetie” she said as she leaned down to kiss my forehead. “will you at least come downstairs and have lunch with your dad and me before everyone comes over?”

“Sure, just give me a minute to throw a shirt on and I’ll be right down.”

Lunch with my parents was subdued. We had some kid of casserole that someone had brought over for us, because thats what people do when Someone dies. We didn’t speak much, the odd pleasantry here and there and the sounds of cutlery on the dishes was all that was heard. Just sitting with my parents was hard, I knew they had to be taking Josh’s loss at least as hard as I was, if not harder. Its strange the things that you remember later when you think back on a time in your life. I remember sitting there with my parents, all of us pushing food around our plates none of us eating much. My parents quietly chatting about my grandparents and my aunts coming over today. They were both exhausted and really weren’t up for entertaining guests but felt obligated to. I remember my mom talking about something, nothing in particular that stands out. What I do recall vividly was my dad starting to cry. Logically I knew in my head that he had just lost his son, and this was normal, but it still made me feel awkward and uncomfortable seeing my dad cry. I had never seen him cry until the day he told me my brother had died, and even since then I had only seen it a couple of times, Im sure he was hiding it from me. I looked awkwardly over at my mom who had promptly stopped talking and made her way over to my dad.

I quietly left the kitchen and headed up the stairs back to my room, I had to escape the awkwardness of witnessing such an intimate moment between my parents. I sat up in my room for about an hour before I heard the doorbell ring and voices coming from downstairs. I heard my name carry up the stairs a few times, I’m sure they were just concerned and asking about me. A knock came to my door and my cousin Ronnie walked in before I could answer. “Hey Liam, you gonna come downstairs anytime soon? Grandma and Grandpa are asking about you. I said I’d come up and check on you.”

He looked genuinely concerned about me, for a younger cousin he wasn’t that bad. “Nah, I think I’m going to stay up here for now. I might come down later.”

“Okay man, well we’re all downstairs if you change your mind.”

“Thanks Ronnie.” With that he left me. I was starting to go stir crazy just staring at my walls. I didn’t want to go be with my family, I also didn’t want to be here anymore. I considered my options and decided to text Toby.

Liam: hey man you up for hanging out?

I only had to wait about five minutes for his response.

Toby: yeah I got nothing going on whats up?

Liam: I just gotta get out of the house was hoping you could hang

Toby: Yeah sure, you want me to pick you up?

Liam: yeah, please.

Toby: K. Give me 20 mins and I’ll be there

Toby was at my place in about 25 minutes, in those 25 minutes both my aunt Shelly and my mom came up to my room trying to get me to come down and spend time with the family. My mom seemed somewhat relieved when I told her Toby was coming to pick me up, I think she just happy that I was finally getting out. This past week I had spent more time alone in my room staring at the walls than I can ever remember doing before. I was watching by the window when Toby pulled up, I headed downstairs, said goodbye to my family and walked out the front door.