There is No Forever - 12. Chapter 11

A week seemed too far and too soon all at once. Devan anticipated his niece, uncle, and aunt’s visit to his place with excitement and worry. He then heard a knock on the door.

“What up, buttercup,” Jesse greeted him, presenting his handbag as he walked through the door. He sashayed over to the couch and got himself settled in. Despite Stefan and Jesse not being on speaking terms, Devan continued to see Jesse.

“Hey Jesse, how’s it going with you?”

“Splendid my dear! Just coming from the gym, got my workout on. Can’t you tell? I got myself some thunder thighs.” Jesse lifted his leg in an upward motion. Devan gave Jesse this: He was definitely flexible. “How about you, hun?”

Devan played the conversation on the phone in his head. “I have some things to think about. I called Jade today.”

“What happened?” Devan gave Jesse a summary of the conversation. Jesse’s face scrunched up. His lips went inwardly and he slapped his thighs. “Well Devan, looks like you’re gonna be playing the role of gay daddy.”

“I’m not Jade’s dad, Jesse.”

“Ugh, I know that!” Devan organized the magazines on the coffee table for no particular reason, then foregone the project just as it started. “Mmm, seems like Ms. Katherine and Mr. George are going to be a handful.”

“They will be. Man, you’d think after Leroy’s death they wouldn’t give a damn and put their prejudices behind them. They’re so ignorant, they don’t even want to make the effort to educate themselves on what a gay person is. I’m telling you, you don’t know the half of what these people are about.”

“If they’re the same family who wouldn’t even lift a finger when you didn’t have nowhere to go, honey, I think I know all I need to know. Did they even bother giving you their condolences?” Devan didn’t answer as he paced the room. Another layer to Devan’s complicated emotions was the pain of abandonment. Jade was fortunate to not be put in the same situation when Leroy passed, much to Devan’s relief. But he saw the stark double standard, and found himself fighting resentment. His worst fear was his resentment getting in the way of him reestablishing his relationship with his niece.

Jesse grabbed a magazine and began to turn swiftly go through the pages. “The whole damn family and not one of em’ has your back? Ain’t that some shit.” Devan thought about it. He did recall Auntie Gladys and Uncle Charles approaching him in the funeral. If there was anyone he could rely on as an ally, it would be them.

“I’ll have to do a little searching,” he said, “Maybe one of them will come around.” He turned to Jesse then. “With all that said, have you told Nikolai about Filiberto?” Jesse stopped turning a page midway in, his fingers rubbing the corner tensely. He gently turned it to completion without looking up.

“I think you already know the answer to that.” Jesse closed the magazine and returned it to the table.

“Jesse, it’s been a month. I think it’s been long enough of a time.”

“If that’s the case, then why mention it all?”

“Because it’s the right thing to do.” Jesse huffed. “Nikolai isn’t some trade you found on the streets. He’s a man you’ve been with for nearly a year and a half. If you respect him and the relationship you two have, you can talk to him. And whatever happens, you at least have your integrity.” Integrity, unfortunately, didn’t mean much to Jesse in this instance. He had crossed a boundary of no return, and doing so made him lose faith in his relationship and his inhibitions.

“Well, as I told you the first time you asked this, I’ll think about it.” Jesse got up from the couch and walked to the window. He was in contemplation, thinking about his relationship with Nikolai. He thought of Filiberto. He no longer blamed Devan and Stefan for what happened with him, but secretly, he still felt troubled by his absence.

Devan watched Jesse. “Do you still want to be with Nikolai, Jesse?”

Jesse turned around. “Why would you ask me that?”

Devan crossed his arms. “Be honest with me. Do you still care about Nikolai?” It was the million dollar question. No one has asked Jesse if he wanted to stay. And with that, the very real choice he had to leave. Jesse felt an onslaught of fear that made kept him from making any decision regarding it. He preferred to put it on the backburner, just as he had been now for the last few months.

Jesse shrugged. “I don’t know.” Devan’s head tilted in confusion. Jesse’s eyes were unwavering as he looked at Devan. “If I’m being honest with you, I don’t know.”

Jesse put the key through the knob on the front door and twisted it. As he walked in, he noticed Nikolai glancing over. He was back at the condo, and Nikolai had returned from work.

“Hey,” Jesse said. Nikolai was painting. He wore a plain old white t-shirt with splatters of green and orange paint, faded blue jeans, and brown sandals. He set himself up in his living room, a large easel with a white canvas sat on top of a massive white sheet underneath him already stained from previous paint sessions. Jesse knew this was Nikolai’s way of dealing with things: he painted on a blank canvas with only the sounds of the world around him in his eardrum.

Nikolai turned back to his painting. “Hello Jesse,” he replied.

Contrary to what Devan thought, Nikolai was privy to the whispers he heard in the club and bar scene on James Street. Jesse was being unfaithful, and on top of this unsettling gossip, Jesse knew that Nikolai knew. Even as the whispers turned into screams, Nikolai wouldn’t believe a word of it. Sure, Jesse had come home bringing with him another man’s scent, but Nikolai knew Jesse made friends easy and was always around others. Yes, sometimes Jesse arrives home far late in the night or not at all, but couldn’t it just be he was too drunk to make it home safe? And maybe Jesse’s decreased desire to sleep with Nikolai was a cause for warning, but what couple doesn’t go through a period of abstinence, NIkolai thought. Nikolai was either waiting on the definitive proof that his boyfriend was cheating on him, or he was in denial. Some days, he wasn’t sure which.

“How was seeing Devan?” Nikolai asked.

“Oh, good good.” Jesse put his handbag near the coat hanger. “He sends his love.”

“Very well then…” Jesse began pulling off his clothes, taking himself up the stairs. “Another night out I see?” Nikolai was used to picking up certain signs in Jesse’s behaviors.

“You know it. Devan wasn’t interested in tagging along this time around, so I thought I’d go alone.” Jesse stopped asking Nikolai to join him, and Nikolai ceased any interest in being out on the scene. The two of them occupied very different worlds unlike the first few months they had been together, when they danced till midnight, inebriated on whatever liquor Nikolai would buy. Days when they spent their entire weekends in Nikolai’s condo, right on the porch watching the world.

Jesse came down the stairs in a red tank top, white cap, and black jeans. Even with the increased tension, Nikolai couldn’t help but admire Jesse, and Jesse knew when he was being watched.

“Jesse, when will you be coming home tonight?” Nikolai asked.

“Before midnight? I don’t know, whenever I get bored I guess.”

Nikolai’s paint brush paused on the canvas. “I’ll be out for tonight, possibly till morning. Just be safe, okay?”

“Sure, no prob,” Jesse said, not even asking where Nikolai would be going. Jesse opened the door and he was off.

Jesse made it to club Sam’s. He felt fabulous as he approached the entrance to the bar. Then, he was stopped.

“ID,” the bouncer asked him.

“ID?” Jesse said. “Hun, you know who I am.”

“I know. I need to see some ID.” Jesse sucked in his teeth and looked at the crowd waiting outside, watching the scene with curiosity. Jesse went through his pockets quickly and grabbed his ID.

“Happy?” The bartender handed it back to him, and Jesse walked himself inside. He knew what this was about. Nikolai may deny Jesse’s alleged cheating, but the staff were all to aware of what was going on. Considering their loyalties lied with Nikolai, Jesse only being included within the circle because he was Nikolai’s lover, the gossip had damaged his relationship with staff.

After that humiliating encounter, Jesse took himself up to the bar. No longer able to get special drinks made for him, he ordered his vodka on the rocks, drank quickly, and proceeded to grab another. Sam’s may have been Jesse’s favorite place to go, but he didn’t simply go just to scope out the men. When he found himself there, he purposefully chose a specific spot, the place where Filiberto sat when he saw him there the first time.

Jesse hadn’t seen Filiberto since that night one month ago when he kissed him in the middle of the dance floor in Juniper. It didn’t occur to Jesse at the time what the consequences of his actions might’ve been. Staff didn’t have a choice when it came to serving Jesse, Nikolai would defend Jesse no matter what. But Filiberto was the “other man”, the other half responsible for Jesse’s infidelity, and James Street would be less forgiving to him. Before Jesse could order his third drink, a guy came by to sit next to him.

“Gin and tonic please,” the man asked in a high tone voice. Jesse couldn’t help but look. He was a Caucasian male with brown freckles and a clean shaven face. He had pink lips, a square head, and crew cut red hair. He was a bigger built guy, similar to Devan, but taller, maybe a few inches shorter than Chris. He looked over at Jesse and smiled. “Well aren’t you a cutie. You here with anyone, or waiting on someone to come back?”

Jesse let out a faint laugh. “Nope. It's just me.” The man rose his eyebrows seductively. Jesse had no interest in waiting on Filiberto to please his desires. If Jesse couldn’t have him, there was always someone else.

Having reached his intoxication limit some time ago, Jesse had no qualms about inviting the man to the condo Nikolai and himself shared. Jesse never asked the man’s name, nor bothered to try and find out.

“Do you...pay for this,” the man struggled to ask in his drunkenness.

“Naw, just borrowing it,” Jesse lied. Jesse unlocked the door and the brought the stranger inside. “Have a seat on the couch.” Eyes half closed, the man signaled to Jesse that he understood and stumbled over. Jesse hung up his hat, took off his shoes, and walked slowly over to the man.

“T-this is a nice place y-you’re staying at.”

Jesse came up to the man and started removing his shoes for him. “It is, isn’t it? We won’t be able to stay for long cuz he might come back. Don’t want him to get upset by a naked, drunken man in the house.” The man hardly listened, focusing on Jesse taking off his shoes. Once Jesse removed them, he laid the man down on the couch, straddled his legs over him, and began kissing him sloppily. The man was eager, grabbing Jesse’s ass while Jesse grazed over the top of the gentleman’s hair.

The man laughed. “You’re so sexy.”

Jesse pulled away. “Let’s put on some music.” He struggled to pull himself up due to his drunken state and pulled out his phone. He played a R&B station and laid the phone down. Before he would continue with the man, he was stopped in his tracks.

At Your Best, you are love. Aaliyah’s vocals came out the phone. An unsettling thought came to mind and sadness engulfed him. He was no longer in the condo that Nikolai and himself shared with this man he didn’t know. Instead he was in a flashback, on Filiberto’s couch. He could smell his scent and could taste the tequila in his mouth.

“A-are you ready?” The man asked. Jesse was pulled out of his flashback and looked at the phone.

He shook his head. “Fuck it.” Jesse jumped on top of the man and they began again. This time, Jesse would not hold back. They ripped off each other’s shirts and the next thing they knew, they were on the floor. They rolled around with each other and ended up on the large white sheet Nikolai had placed on the floor. Jesse was on top of the man. The man felt over Jesse’s abs and chest. Jesse then pulled out a condom. “You wanna fuck me?”

The man grinned goofily and nodded his head. The man’s zipper was open and Jesse was pulling off his pants and underwear.

“Jesse!” A loud voice filled the condo. The man’s face had a horrified look to it as he looked to the door. Jesse swung his head around. Nikolai stood by the doorway, staring at the two, his eyes bulging, hands shaking. He was red in the face. “W-What is this? What is going on here?!”

“Shit, I didn’t think you’d be back so soon,” Jesse said, not indicating any shock for having been found out. His drunkenness had made him frighteningly calm.

The man however, tried removing Jesse from on top of him. “O-oh my god. I-I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry.” Jesse took himself off the man and stood up, swaying and stumbling. He knocked over the easel with Nikolai’s painting. The man got himself out of the way of the falling easel as it crashed on the floor. Nikolai seemed unconcerned by the painting, looking at Jesse with violent anger. The man grabbed his shirt and approached the door. “I-I’m gonna go.” He kept staring at Nikolai as though scared by him. Nikolai only glanced at him before turning back to Jesse. The man then ran himself out of the condo without having put on is shirt, his zipper still unzipped.

The two men stood facing each other like a standoff. A car alarm could be heard from outside, disrupting the night. Nikolai gradually moved into the living room, staring at the furniture and the floor as if to find what’s been changed, what’s been tainted, and what he can no longer look at the same way again.

Jesse stood idly by, rubbing his head as if warding off a headache. “What are you doing?” Nikolai ignored him. He was looking at his painting on the floor. He crouched to the floor, noticing the easel had broken. When he lifted the corner of the white canvas, he could see the paint had smeared. It was ruined.

“I don’t believe this.” Nikolai said finally. He let go the corner of the painting, and stood up. “Jesse I-” Nikolai couldn’t get the words to come out. He sucked in his lips.

“Hey, don’t beat yourself up over it,” Jesse said nonchalantly. “‘It wasn’t you, it was me.’ Isn’t that what they always say?” Nikolai was speechless again. He was told so many times, but refused to believe it. Now here was his proof in plain sight and he had no way of compartmentalizing his humiliation and pain. Jesse grew bored of the lack of response on Nikolai’s end and started stumbling to the stairs. “Hey, let’s just sleep it off and we can talk in the-”

“You need to leave.” Jesse stopped and turned around. He looked at Nikolai who wouldn’t look at him. He laughed, turned his back on Nikolai and kept walking up the stairwell.

“Stop playing Nikolai! You don’t really mean that. Now come on, I’m tired-”

“Get out of my home, Jesse.” Jesse stopped again.

“Your home, Nikolai? That’s not what you told me when I moved in. Now quit fucking around-”

“GET OUT, JESSE!” Jesse, for the first time, had no response. The car alarm outside was turned off. Nikolai’s grandfather clock ticked in the background. This anger, Nikolai’s anger, was unbecoming of him, Jesse thought. He had only seen Nikolai project this kind of anger once before.

The two were in the club when they first started dating. A group of other well-to-do men were seated together in a VIP room and Nikolai invited Jesse along as his plus one. While Nikolai was out of sight, one of the men proceeded to touch and grab Jesse inappropriately. Jesse kept resisting, telling the man he wasn’t interested and wanting the man to stop. But the man was relentless, laughing, and the other men in the group looked on like spectators as Jesse tried desperately to claw himself away. Jesse was violated.

“Get off him!” Jesse saw Nikolai rush towards them, push the man away, and the man ended up on the floor. Nikolai rubbed Jesse’s back and shoulders. “Are you okay?” Jesse was shaken by the encounter. He simply nodded as he looked to Nikolai.

Then Nikolai looked at the man with murder in his eyes. “Don’t you ever touch him again. You hear me?!” The man looked embarrassed, looking at the others around him. “Move to another seat.” The man nodded shamefully and picked himself off the floor. Jesse was almost sure that that moment solidified his connection with Nikolai. Nikolai not only cared for him, he protected him. And he always had.

Now, that same Nikolai was directing that anger to him. It was like an out-of-body experience. Not once did he think he’d be on the receiving end of it.

“You’re kicking me out,” Jesse asked incredulous. “At midnight? What do you expect me to do?”

Nikolai was unmoved. “Call Devan or Stefan. Ask them if they’ll let you stay. I’ll give you money for a cab so they won’t have to come and get you.”

“...You’re actually serious.” Jesse rubbed his head again in disbelief.

“I don’t have all night, Jesse.”

Jesse was staring off to the floor, thinking of his options. He looked up at Nikolai. “No, I don’t wanna cab. I’ll figure this out myself.”

“Jesse-”

“No Nikolai! You wanted me out, I’m going out!” Jesse stormed off, grabbed his handbag, and slammed the front door. Once outside, he grabbed his chest and leaned against the door, processing what had just happened. And as he laid against the door, he heard a faint sound coming from inside. Even with his senses muddled, he was sure that he heard crying, just behind the door.