There is No Forever - 7. Chapter 7

Devan had been in a daze these last few days. He sat himself on a park bench and watched the clouds pass. It seemed as though time simply moved forward and Devan went through it absentmindedly, numbly. The rent was due, house cleaning needed to get done. Even the most stressful, time-sensitive tasks at work seemed to not phase Devan in the least. Very few family members reached out, asking about his brother. The ones who did were sent to his voice message system. It didn’t help that Devan found himself unconsciously being reminded of Leroy every time his phone rang. The change in his demeanor didn’t really concern him. Devan was all too familiar with death and the changes he goes through when it occurs.

Then his phone rang. Devan listened to it for awhile, tempted to let it go to voice message. He pulled it out of his pocket, looked at the caller ID, realized it was a number he didn’t recognize, and hit ignore. The trees swayed around him as a cool breeze brushed through. Birds chirped and the voices of children grew louder from the playground. The phone rang again. Devan pulled it out of his pocket and realized it was the same number as before. A little frustrated from the caller’s stubbornness, he answered.

“Hello,” Devan said, unable to veil his irritation.

“Is this Uncle Devan?” Devan registered the voice and sat in silence. It was Jade. “Uncle Devan?”

“Oh Jade. Yeah, it’s me. How have you been holding up?”

“I’m okay. How are you?” Jade’s voice sounded as distant as it was when they last met.

“I guess I’m...not really sure. Are you alright being at your great aunt Katherine and great uncle George’s place?”

“It’s fine.” Devan couldn’t gauge whether Jade was being purposefully guarded. He was unable to offer much more to the conversation in the form of comfort and was frustrated at his inadequacy. What could’ve led her to call him in the first place? And as he opened his mouth, Jade said, “I didn’t see you at the wake.”

Devan’s face contorted. “The wake?”

“Yeah. Great auntie Lorraine said she tried to call you a few days ago.” Devan realized that not only had he been sending his calls to voicemail, he didn’t listen to them either.

“She did huh? Guess I must’ve deleted her voice message on accident or something. Do you know when Leroy...your father...is being buried?”

“This Saturday.” Whether Jade picked up the lie about the voicemail or not it didn’t come out in her voice. Devan realized that would be the least of her concerns. “Are you coming?” Devan pondered the thought and he sensed an immediate resistance on his end. How does he face these family members he hadn’t seen for years? Did they know what happened to Devan? Why didn’t anyone reach out to him sooner? And to go to this funeral and present himself to these people like nothing had happened, for a man he already had complicated feelings for, made the idea of going even less appealing. Then Devan heard Jade’s voice again. “Uncle Devan?” He had to make a choice quick. He couldn’t think only of himself, he had to think of Jade too.

“...I’ll be there. You know what time it is?”

“10am. It’s at the funeral home Gram and Grandpa were buried. I’ll see you there, Uncle Devan.”

“I’ll see you too, Jade.” Jade hung up. Devan held the phone in his palm for sometime and stared outward, looking at everything around him. His awareness of the sounds amplified. The voices of the children screaming with joy, the whistling wind. And he realized Saturday was not far away.

He heard the organ music just outside the funeral home. Devan recalled coming here once before.

He had arrived at the doorway for his parents’ funeral when he was twenty one. Rather than enter inside, his demons caught ahold of him. His parents’ screams, the day they disowned him when they sent him off alone in the world. How could he attend their funeral? And just as a family member witnessed him on the funeral steps, he ran way. That would be the last time any family member had seen him, before his brother’s death.

Now he stood on the steps by the doorway again, feeling hesitant to enter. He wore clothes he hadn’t worn since the days his parents took him to church in his Sunday best, a black suit, white suit shirt and black tie with black slacks and shoes. The trepidation he had being there seemed to magnify and paralyze him. He breathed before entering inside.

He walked slowly through the dark hallway filled with the colors of dark brown and velvet. Cranberry colored candles were lit on the tables that stood against the walls. He walked steadily in and approached two individuals speaking in the hall. One of them turned to look it at him, and his lips stopped moving. He stared at Devan before the individual he was speaking to also turned to his direction. He identified the two as being cousins of his. Their stares were disarming, but Devan trudged forward. He couldn’t leave now. He walked past them and approached the entry way.

He entered a dimly lit room with stained glass. Many of his relatives were present: cousins, aunties, uncles, and great grandparents. He found Jade near the pulpit, not speaking. Uncle George had his hand on her shoulder. As he moved forward in the room, some eyes came his way and they each repeated what the couple before had done, staring without words. A mix of apprehension and tension filled the room. Devan felt himself sweat. It was then a woman and man slowly approached him. Devan noticed the caution in their steps.

“Devan, dear?” The woman said, not appearing to be sure. Devan realized it was Auntie Gladys. Devan nodded. “Devan, it’s been so long.” The woman, with her gait that had her swaying side to side, came up to Devan and opened her arms. Devan embraced her and they stood there for what seemed like minutes. When they pulled apart, Devan noticed the tears in her eyes. “You’ve been missed, darling.”

The man moved closer to Devan then. “Hey little man. It’s your Uncle Charles.” Devan didn’t recognize the man at first, but realized it had been due to the man’s aging. Deeply set wrinkles on his face, his hair having grown and become more gray. He realized he hadn’t seen this man in a decade.

“Nice to see you Uncle Charles,” Devan said. He looked back at the pulpit to find Jade looking his way.

“We should talk, sweetheart.” Auntie Gladys placed her hand on Devan’s shoulder, and slid it off slowly. Uncle Charles nodded to Devan and the two walked elsewhere. Devan realize the scene had attracted the attention of other family members who hesitated to do the same, whether out of fear or indifference. Relieved, Devan found a seat nearby. He immersed himself in the music and waited patiently for the service to began.

“Brothers and sisters,” the pastor said in the mic. “If you can take your seats, we’ll begin our service honoring the life of Leroy Robert Johnson…”

The eulogies were spoken by Devan’s great grandparents who he hardly knew. They spoke of Leroy when he was a child and teenager. They never knew him as an adult. None of the family members did. As the eulogies progressed, the family spoke of the man who had such promise ahead. He was their shining star, the boy who would become a basketball player in the pro leagues. The family was careful when they spoke of Leroy’s life, leaving out the parts that would’ve surely tainted his legacy. To preserve his image, they left out the part of the story where his brother had a child at age nineteen, his parents forcing him to marry a woman he didn’t love. Working towards being a basketball star was unachievable when you had bills to pay and a family to take care of, curtailing Leroy’s dream to work towards being in the NBA. By the time he got himself together, it was already too late and Leroy had become too old at twenty five to enter the NBA. This, Devan knew, is what led to his brother’s drinking.

Without any other aspirations and having lost the one dream he had, his brother had lost the will to live. He became chemically dependent on alcohol. His wife was fed up with his disinterest in getting help and fled from him and her daughter. The rest of the family was nowhere to be found, seeing their shining star fall to Earth so tragically. Maybe it was their guilt that brought them here today.

Jade never went up to the pulpit. In addition, Devan was never asked to speak either. The family may have wanted it that way, lest the two who knew Leroy the best would expose his skeletons. The daughter who watched as her father deteriorated before her and the abandoned brother whom the rest of the family tried hard to forget.

The pastor spoke his closing remarks and the organ began playing again. The words spoken today were honest enough. Everyone stood and approached the pulpit for one last viewing. Jade was one of the first to approach. She looked at her father once more. Auntie Katherine held her shoulders for support. The line didn’t seem to move. When Devan looked over, he could see Jade staring at Leroy with those same vacant eyes. The auntie, unsure of Jade’s stoic posture, tried moving her along. With some prompting, Jade began to walk away, but not without looking back at her father even as she was exited from the building. Folks gradually started moving in line again.

Devan felt his heart race as he approached the pulpit. The pastor stood to the side and locked eyes with Devan. The pastor hesitated, gave him a nod, and looked away. Devan’s anger surfaced as he recalled this man, back when he was a teen, offering him no support when he came out to him as gay. The pastor simply warned him, “Do away with your sinful desires, for your kind will be sent to Hell.” He felt sick having this man anywhere near him, but it would only be for a few fleeting moments. When his turn in line came to view his brother, his breathing stopped. There was Leroy. His face was made up like most corpses are during funeral services. Leroy’s face seemed unreal. Devan couldn’t remember the last time he had seen his brother and only somewhat recognized him. In a twisted way, he relished in the fact that he could see his brother once more. Devan took one last glance, then walked out the door.

Outside in the open, family members were talking and comforting one another. Devan was alone, until he saw Jade. Jade stood speechless in between Uncle George and Aunt Katherine. Aunt Katherine kneeled down, talking to her face to face, but Jade wouldn’t give her a reaction. Devan walked forward, and Jade would see him. Her piercing gaze was locked on him as though he was the only one there. Aunt Katherine turned to see who Jade was looking at. Jade removed herself from her aunt and walked toward Devan. Aunt Katherine and Uncle George looked on.

They stood two feet from each other. Devan’s eyes were filled with concern as he looked at Jade who wouldn’t speak. Without thinking, he walked up to her slowly. Her eyes widened, unsure of what Devan was about to do. He held out his arms, crouched down to her level, and embraced her. Jade at first, wouldn’t move. Then her arms rose from her sides and encircled Devan. They were the only ones who understood each other at that moment. No words were spoken as they held on tight.

Taking a break from Jesse’s antics, Devan invited Stefan over to his place to hang out the next day and watch a movie. He took the day off work, citing bereavement, and kept himself inside. Stefan was hesitant to be in Jesse’s presence after their last night out.

“This is really good, Devan,” Stefan said, eating a meal Devan prepared himself. “You really know how to cook.”

“I can throw down if I need to,” he replied, grabbing his plate from the kitchen. “It’s cool to do something other than being out all the time.”

“Seriously. To be honest, I’ve been needing to separate from the club scene for awhile. Is that fine with you?”

“Of course, man. I don’t have much here, but we can make do.” Stefan noticed Devan’s drinking and interest in partying was waning, much to his surprise. It relieved him. Consistently being surrounded by alcohol and intoxicated men was a mix of maddening and saddening, though he never admitted to Jesse and Devan that he felt either of these things. “Have you talked to Jesse? Jesse’s been texting and calling about going out since that night. I’ve been telling him I needed a break, he was upset of course. He also said you haven’t been responding to any of his texts.”

Stefan put down his knife and fork. “I don’t know Devan. Ever since that night, I can’t even look at him.”

“You’ve been pretty heated about that.” Devan placed his plate on the table and sat next to Stefan. “Don’t get me wrong, that was really fucked up of Jesse. But, we don’t really know the full story.”

“What else do we need to know though?”

Good point, Devan thought. “I’m just saying man, I think we ought to talk to Jesse, figure this out. Don’t want to make any immediate conclusions.” Stefan shrugged at the idea. Devan rode hard for Jesse, but Stefan wasn’t entirely sure why. Devan began eating as Stefan turned back to the movie. A character had lost their life. A funeral scene appeared on the screen. The camera showed the interior of the church and when Devan looked back at the movie, he imagined himself there, present alongside these actors and characters.

“Sad huh?” Stefan commented. But Devan didn’t hear him. Devan sensed something was strange. The camera moved to the center, showing the pulpit up front as it gradually moved closer to the casket. Devan’s dread crept up. He became afraid to see inside. Stefan noticed Devan becoming very focused on the screen. Torso leaned forward, hands clasped together. His mouth was agape, as though in a trance. “Devan?” Devan kept watching the screen closely. Eventually the camera would come just a few feet from the casket. To add to Devan’s fear, it was open and he seemed to be back at his brother’s funeral again. He heard a woman crying. The camera zoomed into the face of the character who died and, to Devan’s horror, the face was Leroy’s. Devan gasped for air as he threw himself away from the TV screen and his back slammed against the back of the couch. Stefan, startled, jumped a few inches away before leaning over to Devan.

“Whoa Devan! You freaked me out.” Stefan tried to grab Devan’s attention, but Devan seemed trapped in his trance. A heavy sweat appeared on his face. He turned to Stefan, then rushed himself to the bathroom. “Devan!”

Devan went into his restroom and threw up in his toilet. He dry heaved. When it ended, he flushed the toilet got himself up to the sink, and washed up. As he did so, and the water kept running, he felt warm tears release from his eyes. He looked himself in the mirror and began to cry.

Stefan, hearing the sobs, entered the restroom down the dark hall. He approached slowly, reaching the entrance to the restroom. He first saw the sink halfway full, the faucet still running, and Devan crouched on the floor, sobbing in his arms. Stefan walked into the restroom slowly.

He came down to the floor and spoke gently. “Devan.” Devan flung his head up. Stefan was speechless as he looked him. He saw Devan’s bloodshot eyes, his glasses sitting on the bathroom sink. The tears flowed like rivers down his tortured face.

“Leroy.” Devan said. Stefan didn’t understand, and Devan could see it in his expression. “My brother...my brother’s dead. That fucking piece of shit, after everything he did.” Devan slammed his fist into the wall. “What’s wrong with me, Stefan? Why am I crying for him?” Devan continued to sob. Stefan’s hand unconsciously covered his mouth. He opened his arms and pulled Devan into him. And they both held each other, neither of them even thinking to let go.

Stefan had Devan’s head in his lap, massaging it as he slept. The two were back on the couch and the sun was starting to set. The TV was off, and Stefan sat in the silence as he took in everything that happened. Devan’s brother had passed away nearly a week ago, and Devan was only now telling him. He wondered if Jesse knew? More than likely not. Stefan knew nothing of how to care for a grieving friend, but hoped that his presence was enough. Devan’s phone rang. Devan’s eyes shot open. Stefan grabbed for the phone quickly and shut it off.

“Don’t worry,” Stefan said, “I turned it off.” Devan’s tired eyes slowly closed shut and his head once again rested on Stefan’s lap. “You’ve carried this for so long, Devan. It must’ve been really difficult for you.” Devan said nothing, though he acknowledged Stefan’s words. The silence of the apartment was calming. Stefan’s touch seemed to make Devan feel lighter and cared for. Devan had these complex, contradictory thoughts about how he’s supposed to feel about his brother’s passing. He needed someone to understand and hoped Stefan was willing to try.

“Back in the day,” Devan began, “I used to go to Leroy’s practices at his high school. I never liked sports, my father used to give me a lot of grief for it, but I always went to watch my bro play. Whenever it was Friday, he’d take me out to get something to eat with the money he was getting working part time at Fast Paced. Leroy was the big bro every kid wanted. He’d come pick me up from school, chase the bullies away. He was my hero.” Stefan listened. He couldn’t believe this. He couldn’t understand how these two Leroys were the same person.

Devan continued. “I know you and Jesse know Leroy based on his phone calls. But man, that never used to be him, Stefan. Maybe If we lived in a different place or a different household, I don’t know. There was so much more to him.” Devan swallowed hard. Stefan’s hands froze on Devan’s hair.

“One day, my mother found out I was gay. She told my father, and all hell broke loose. He saw me in the kitchen, grabbed me by my collar and slammed me against the wall. My mother screamed for him to stop...Then Leroy came in. Without asking any questions or worrying about what our father might do to him, Leroy confronted my father and told him to put me down. Leroy wouldn’t allow anyone to hurt me, not even my father.”

Stefan was astounded. “I had no idea, Devan. I don’t get it, what changed? How did he become who he is now?” Devan’s lips curved as he sat with that question. It didn’t seem so easy to answer. Stefan rubbed Devan’s head some more.

“Leroy didn’t know I was gay when my father attacked me. He had already moved out by then. With our family and their influence over us, he was convinced that I was something to be separate from. He had so much promise, he couldn’t let his faggot brother get in the way of that. Even when my parents decided to kick me out, he wouldn’t let me stay with him. I guess he could never forgive himself for it, he was already going through so many other things.” Stefan assumed Devan was speaking of Leroy’s alcoholism.

“Your parents, Devan. Did they really kick you out?” Devan nodded. He turned away and stopped speaking. His anguish, while still hard to process, had quelled. Stefan’s hand laid stiff on Devan’s head. He understood. He understood why Devan remained empathetic towards Leroy, despite what he put him through the last few years he was alive. He could finally understand why Devan always had Leroy’s back. And that was all Devan wanted, someone to know the real Leroy.

Stefan said, “I wish he would’ve had the chance to see you now. He would’ve been proud.” Devan looked up at Stefan and appeared mesmerized. With those words, Devan began unraveling the messages from his childhood that sadness and pain were something to hide. His need to be guarded, his need to be a “man”, and to cover up his emotions, were no longer necessary. The burden was lifted.

Devan looked out the window. “It’s about to be night time. Don’t you have to be home?”

Stefan nodded. “I’ll stay as long as you need.” The sky begin to fade into darkness and Stefan never left.