There is No Forever - 8. Chapter 8

Stefan stepped into his apartment the morning after. The only alone time he’s had had been the walk to his apartment. The night before had been an ordeal, but he hadn’t felt more closer to a friend than he had that night, a gay man at that. Being in a relationship for so long with Chris, Stefan hardly thought of the idea of having companionship with other gay men outside of romance. Doing so allowed him to empathize with another person in a way he had never done so before. Stefan was dedicated to being by Devan’s side any way he could.

The living room within his place was unoccupied by Chris. It seemed untouched by anyone since Stefan had left the morning before. He thought it very strange. Stefan walked over to the bedroom door and attempted to open it. It was locked. Stefan assumed Chris locked him out as revenge for not returning home. He thought to knock, but didn’t want to disturb Chris’ sleep. He’ll just tell him what happen when he wakes, Stefan thought. He laid on the couch and settled in for a nap.

When he awoke, the bedroom door was opened. Stefan rose himself from the couch and peeked inside. Chris was nowhere to be found.

Stefan paced the living room. Was he in the wrong? Should he have done a better job to inform Chris what was going on? He considered giving a call to Devan, but thought of it some more. Devan is in mourning, and I’m trying to call him about this? Stefan refused to consider calling Jesse. He sat on the couch and covered his face in his hands.

His phone rang.

Stefan sat up on his couch. Maybe it was a call from Chris? He looked at the caller ID. He felt some disappointment, then felt guilt for being disappointed.

“Hey.”

“Stefan!” The other voice on the end contrasted with his obviously less-than jovial tone. It was his best friend Chandra on the other line. Stefan knew he would have to force himself to be enthusiastic. “Stefan, how are you? And why haven’t you called?!”

“Chandra, hey.” Stefan’s eyes darted around the room, finding an excuse for his lack of communication. “I’m sorry I haven’t called. It’s been pretty hectic on my end. How are you? How’s home?”

“Haha, it’s the same. Nothing changes around here, you know that.” Chandra was Stefan’s first friend at his high school. Having to acclimate to a new home and new high school, Stefan and his father were starting new in a different city. Stefan couldn’t help but grow increasingly depressed after being separated from his mother. Chandra and himself were classmates, and despite Stefan’s melancholy mood that he couldn’t seem to shake off, Chandra stuck with him. Being of Indian heritage herself, Stefan and Chandra found common ground with each other that they didn’t find much of from their classmates. “But how’s the new place? Meet anybody cool?”

“Umm, yeah. You should meet them actually. I think you’d like them.”

“Really? Oh that’s awesome, Stefan. You made friends quick!”

Stefan laughed. “You could say that. How about you? Seeing anybody new?”

Chandra groaned on the other end. “Ugh, I’m done with men. I’ve had a bad taste in mouth since Terrance came and went and - are you laughing Stefan? That wasn’t even supposed to be a dirty joke!”

“I couldn’t help it. Remember Tarek?”

“Don’t bring him up, Stefan. We don’t need to talk about him.” The two laughed together. Stefan needed this, a break from his current worries. “How’re things with Chris?”

“Oh...yeah. Things are alright, for the most part.”

“That wasn’t very convincing.” Chandra’s tone shifted immediately. That was the problem with knowing someone too well: They read between the lines.

“He’s just been a bit moody lately, but that’s just kinda how he is. I stayed out all night yesterday to help a friend and I haven’t heard from him. I’m probably just blowing things out of proportion...”

“Moody? Please tell me he isn’t getting crazy with you again-”

“Hey, don’t jump to conclusions! I told you I was out late and I...didn’t inform him as well as I could’ve. Maybe everything’s okay. It’s no big deal.” Chandra sighed exasperatingly. Chandra knew Chris before Stefan and him became a couple. She knew Chris to be a charismatic, well liked and popular guy back in high school. When Stefan confided to Chandra that they were dating in secret, Chandra was elated. But as she began to see learn how Chris treated Stefan behind closed doors, Chandra had her reservations. Soon enough, she felt Stefan needed to exit out of what she believed to be an uncertain, sometimes dangerous relationship. And despite, at times, appearing to leave Chris for good, Stefan returned back, desperate to be loved. All Chandra could do is offer support, but continues to fear what Chris might do.

“Alright Stefan, I’ll take your word for it. You know I do this because I care about you.”

“I know. Thank you, Chandra.”

“You thank me but, isn’t this what I’m supposed to do as your friend?” Stefan smiled on the other end. “Anyway, I do need to run off really quick, but the reason I called was because I’m going to come visit you soon.”

“Really?! Oh my gosh, Chandra, that’s really great!”

“I know, I’m excited! I’ll call you later about the details. Just be safe, okay?”

“Right, of course. It was good to talk with you, sis.”

“Good to talk with you too, brother. See you soon!” Once they hung up, Stefan had wished the call would’ve never ended. The one person in this world he can call his sister while she calls him brother. Stefan brought the phone down from his ear and collected his thoughts. Then the door opened.

Chris walked in with a plastic bag in his hand. He immediately saw Stefan sitting in the living room.

He dropped his bag. “Where have you been?” Chris asked in an accusatory tone.

Stefan lifted himself from the couch, not wanting to seem small. “Did you get my text, babe? It said I would be running late-”

“Yeah, running late. Does it look like it’s still night time to you, Stefan?”

Stefan was perturbed, but felt an explanation would put him in the clear. “I know it’s not, but-”

Chris folded his arms. “What the hell were you doing?”

“I-I was just comforting a friend.” Chris shook his head and didn’t look at Stefan. Stefan felt himself tense up. “Chris, if you just listen-”

Chris’ eyes went back to Stefan. “Are you sleeping with him?”

Stefan felt his mouth water and it became more difficult to swallow. “Wh-what? N-n-no! How could you think I’d do something like that?”

“Don’t play dumb with me! I see you spending all your time with those fags.”

“D-don’t call them that!” Stefan grew frustrated with his trembling voice. He didn’t want Chris to think he was afraid of him, even though he was. Chris charged forward and Stefan couldn’t help but take a few steps back.

“Are you raising your voice to me, Stefan?” He spoke low and menacingly, his eyes paralyzing Stefan. Stefan stared at Chris and became focused on his every movement. “Don’t ever fucking raise your voice to me. Ever.” Stefan nodded and stood in place as Chris turned to walk away. Chris stopped by the kitchen bar and began looked over it, grabbing a picture frame from the countertop. Stefan didn’t understand the gesture. As he watched Chris inspecting the object, he realized it was a picture of his dad, his mom, and himself, one of the last ones he had, embedded in a picture frame he’s kept with him since he last saw his mother. Chris lifted the picture frame in the air.

“Chris no!” Stefan’s scream blended with the shattering glass and frame. The shards scattered across the wooden floor while the frame broke into large chunks. Stefan’s lips trembled. He lifted his head to find Chris staring back at him without the faintest look of remorse.

“Don’t come home late again.” Chris walked slowly off to the bedroom and slammed the door behind him. Stefan looked down and moved slowly towards the shattered site. He kneeled to the floor and analyzed the damage. The wooden floor was scratched, but it was the picture he worried for. It remained in tact. Stefan carefully recovered it under the debris and stared at it for minutes. He hugged it to his chest and rocked himself.

The bedroom door remained closed till the next morning, locked from the inside. Stefan wondered how Chris was doing. A sense of powerlessness had overwhelmed him. The outside was quiet. Stefan sat in the muteness that surrounded him. He needed Chris. Then he didn’t need him. He saw the unhealthy dynamic before him and felt unable to control it, or even to admit it.

The door to the bedroom unlocked. Chris came out, wiping the sleep from his eyes and stretching his long limbs. Stefan was conflicted when he found himself wanting to be held in those long arms.

“Hey Chris,” he said. Chris didn’t respond. He shut the door and walked over to the fridge, not looking Stefan’s way at any point. Chris looked inside, glanced at Stefan, then walked toward their front door. Stefan lifted himself from the couch and blocked Chris’ path. “Chris, can you talk to me? I just wanted to say I’m sorry.”

“Okay,” Chris mumbled.

“Look, my friend was having a really hard time, you know? He had lost someone recently and I wanted to be there for him.”

Chris seemed disinterested, simply watching Stefan. “Alright.”

“Are you still mad? Do you forgive me?”

The corner of Chris’ lip curled as he shrugged nonchalantly. He walked forward, skirted past Stefan, and opened the door.

“Chris-” And just as Stefan turned around, the door closed on his face. Stefan couldn’t believe what he was being put through. He couldn’t take this anymore. Rather than remain in the living room for Chris to return, Stefan grabbed the car keys from his kitchen counter and left out the door.

Stefan rode down the street using his own car. He was a processor. Emotions didn’t simply run through him like currents to be felt and allowed to dissipate. His emotions got caught in his chest and his head and his stomach, taking root like tree stumps that refused to be moved. The momentary peace in the car, passing through the city during the noon, gave him space to recharge and disengage. Pedestrians walked on crosswalks holding their children’s hands. Dogs were on leashes, wagging their tails.

Stefan drove on till he found himself at the beach. He parked the car and sat in the parking lot for some time. He eventually came out. He could smell the salt in the air and looked out at the ocean before him. He pulled off his shoes and dug his toes into the warm sand. He wanted his suffocating anxiety to seep out his feet. His arms crossed as he walked forward more. Children making sand forts. Friends sat alongside each other, laying on their blankets. A breeze blew through. Stefan could hear the waves hit the shore. Soon, he would reach the water soaked sand, chilled by the ocean. And when the water brushed against his feet, he could feel the cold come up his leg and his lungs gasped for air. The water was freezing! He laughed to himself, watching himself make footprints on the damp sand. Anything to not feel the anguish he had within him. He watched the ocean more, feeling the frigid water on his feet. Though the moment was fleeting, Stefan thought of sailing away...

“Well look who’s here.” Stefan turned to his right and saw Jesse, walking towards him on the shore.

“Jesse,” Stefan said, still acclimating to Jesse’s unexpected presence. “What are you doing here?”

“Oh, just taking a little stroll. Nikolai is out the condo and I don’t tend to like being there alone. Whatchu doing here?” Jesse waited for an answer before putting his hands on his hips. “I should be asking if that phone of yours is working, cuz I sure haven’t heard anything from you in awhile.” Stefan found himself so caught up with what’s going on at home, he contemplated whether or not it was even worth it to ask Jesse about what happened in the bathroom the last time they all went out.

“I’m actually glad I caught you,” Jesse continued. “I got something to say.” Jesse walked over and stood near Stefan. “I’m sorry for my behavior these last few weeks. Ya’ll have been dealing with my messy self for sometime and I don’t blame ya’ll if you wanna keep your distance or whatever. I’ve always been a bit much.” Stefan watched Jesse. The apology felt unnecessary and unneeded. Stefan felt he had other things to worry about. But Stefan was taken back by Jesse’s eagerness to make amends. He was being a friend.

“Thank you, Jesse,” Stefan said, “I’m glad you’re here.”

Stefan brought out a blanket to cover the sand and the two spent time looking at the ocean and hearing the waves, watching the crabs navigate the beach. The sun still remained high in the sky.

“Did Devan’s trifling ass really tell you about the first time we met?” Jesse asked.

Stefan was laughing, covering his urge to roar in laughter. “Yeah, but it’s no big deal! I don’t think of you any different.” Jesse’s eyes were narrow as they looked at Stefan. “Why were you sneaking into bars and clubs at eighteen?”

Jesse waved his hand at the question “It was the thing to do! I love me some clubs. Even back then, I just wanted to go somewhere to dance the night away, have a little fun with some other gay people like me. There were no eighteen plus clubs back inthe day.”

“How did you find out how to get into them?”

“Oh well, it all started when I first met this fabulous Drag Mom named Ms. Pearl. And Ms. Pearl used to take care of some of the gay teens in the area, let them hang out in her house, give drag tips, and take them to balls. But these teens, giiirl! We got into all kinds of shenanigans: sneaking into clubs, staying out late, stealing beers out of grocery stores. I’d have the money in my pocket and I’d still be running along with them if the store clerk chased us out! We were some bad kids, but Ms. Pearl don’t play, and put a stop to it when she could. She was the mama I always wanted, though I have two lovely parents.” Stefan realized he never asked Jesse about his parents. “Those were some good days. I was the only one who had money at the time, so I always gave it out. Sometimes the teens needed shoes or wigs for their show, maybe some money to grab some food from the store. Hell, I even gave money to one who needed to get tested.”

“Really?”

“Yeah! I might’ve been a stupid teen doing stupid things, but I knew enough about STDs, STIs, and all that to know that if someone needed money and really wanted to get tested, they probably need it! He came back negative for everything but better safe than sorry, right?” Jesse put his hands behind his back and leaned against them. Stefan thought he was getting to know Jesse more, surprised his day would turn out like this.

“Now how about you, mister,” Jesse said. “Tell me about you and Chris back then.” Stefan should’ve known Jesse would ask, but was ill-prepared by the question. What if he didn’t say anything at all? He searched in his mind for the tender moments he had with him to eclipse his current image of Chris, grabbing something of his and taking it apart.

“Umm, Chris and I were...well…” Stefan froze, trying to put together words. “Chris was like my light at the end of the tunnel. We were both keeping our relationship undercover and he never made me feel like he had eyes for someone else. It was like I was his world. I used to always get so excited for the end of the school day because I’d know he’d be waiting for me. You could relate Jesse! It’s not the same when they aren’t around because you think about them all the time and you wonder if you’re on their mind too. Chris has never...mostly never...well not intentionally, done anything to make me feel like he doesn’t worry about me. He’s always looking out for me.” Stefan thought of those precious times. He was truthful about what he thought of Chris and their relationship, even has his throat tried to swallow the ugly bits and pieces.

Jesse looked down at his legs, then looked up at Stefan. “Tell me a time when he wasn’t.”

Stefan’s head leaned to the side. “What do you mean?”

“Tell me a time when he wasn’t looking out for you.” Stefan tried to gauge Jesse’s reason for asking. The question was sincere enough, but Stefan couldn’t help but fixate on Jesse’s motive. That apprehension he felt when he first met Jesse returned, along with a more concerning emotion that lied in the pit of his stomach: loneliness. He was tired of being silent. Stefan breathed hard, sucked in his lips. He turned to Jesse.

“At the end of prom night, us two going as singles, Chris and I got into it when I told him I wanted to see my mom again. We had a great time at prom and we were being really vulnerable with each other. Chris...he laughed at me. He said, ‘Why the hell you wanna reunite with that schizo mom of yours anyways? That’s fucking stupid.’” Stefan hands were in a prayer pose as they touched the peak of his nose. “I...couldn’t believe he said that to me. I told him how much it hurt when my dad and I left her. I thought he would get it, him being raised by a single mom and dad that was never around. I was upset and...we started screaming at each other.

“Next thing you know, he drove me to a gas station and told me to get out of the car. I told him I had no money and he couldn’t just leave me stranded there. But he wouldn’t listen. Without any other choice, I got out...and he left.” Jesse saw Stefan shed tears. He listened without wavering. “I called my friend Chandra using the pay phone nearby. I found a quarter in my back pocket. It wasn’t the first time I called her about...something Chris did. When she came to get me, she called Chris and cussed him out, telling him to never see me again. I didn’t think I ever would.” Stefan wiped away at his eyes and pulled out tissues for his nose. Jesse would be the only other person in his life besides Chris and Chandra who knew about this story. Who else was he to tell?

Jesse looked down at the sand, then began nodding. “Mmm.” Jesse said nothing more. He took off the baseball cap he was wearing and analyzed the front of it. Stefan watched him. “Does he still like to play that game with you? Disappearing acts, talking down to you? Punishments for things like your not some grown ass man?” Stefan hesitated to answer, then nodded painfully. He was ashamed. Jesse pressed his lips together. “I’m not gonna get all in your business because most of ya’ll don’t respond well to that-”

“Ya’ll?”

Jesse put a hand on Stefan’s shoulder. “Stefan, I’ve seen some things. And if there’s something I’ve seen more than I would like to, it’s men who put their hands on their partners, and men who don’t have to.” Stefan fidgeted his shoulder, quickly getting uncomfortable with Jesse’s touch.

“Jesse, what are you-”

“Stefan, you don’t have to tell me more than you already said. I know you’re already trying to figure out a way to take it back. But sweetie, if there’s one thing I can say to you, and this will be hard to hear, is that you need to stop waiting for him to change, because there’s a good chance that he won’t.” Stefan stared with glassy eyes at Jesse. Jesse was frowning as he looked back at the ocean. Stefan wondered if that sorrow was for him. “I want you to do something with me.”

Stefan blinked. “What’s that?”

“I go to self-defense classes, every Friday afternoon. You smile, but I ain’t playing around with you! Self defense isn’t just about protecting yourself physically. It’s also about building confidence.”

“Oh? I never thought of it that way...”

“Yes Stefan. People always want to underestimate me like I’m some dumb club kid. I finished school too!” Jesse brought his fan from his pocket and began fanning himself. Stefan laughed softly. “You’re a diamond, sweetheart. Don’t let any man tell you different, including Chris. And if that man acts up with you, Stefan, you give me a call. Nobody is messing with one of Jesse’s boys.” Stefan wasn’t sure of any decision to make at that point regarding his relationship with Chris. He wasn’t sure how to feel at all. But Jesse’s support took away his loneliness. He had an ally to weather him through the storm. And as Jesse put down his fan, arms grabbed him at his waist as Stefan’s head laid on his shoulder. He was wrapped in a bear hug.

"Thank you, Jesse..." Jesse looked down on Stefan, smiled, and patted his head lovingly. The approaching sunset colored the sky with oranges and pinks swirling above them.

By the time Stefan returned, night had come. The bedroom door was open, but empty. He put on the television. An hour passed. Sometime then, the front door opened.

Stefan’s eyes shot over as he saw Chris come in. Not looking at Stefan, Chris walked slowly over to the couch and sat alongside him. Stefan studied Chris. Remembering his last attempt to apologize had failed, he was wary about attempting to do it again.

Chris then turned in his direction, looking Stefan in the eyes. “So, nothing happened then.”

Stefan knew he was talking about Chris’ accusation that he was cheating. “Yes, Chris. Just like I said, I didn’t do anything to hurt you.” Chris nodded. Chris turned to the TV and the two of them watched it in silence. Stefan would sometimes steal glances toward Chris’ way, wondering if things would be okay.

“Alright, I forgive you.” Stefan felt like he could breathe again. “As long as you’re in my bed by the end of the night, you’re good.”

“Okay Chris.” Stefan felt his stomach growl. He hadn’t eaten all day due to his depressed mood.

Chris let out a laugh. “You hungry, babe?”

“Kinda. I can make us something if you-”

“How bout I make something for us.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I got us some chicken from the store earlier. Wanna try it?”

“Sure.” Chris lifted himself from the couch and headed to the fridge. He pulled out the chicken breasts, vegetables, and a variety of spices. He pulled out pots, pans, and cutting boards, then began chopping the food. Stefan stood up and walked over to sit at the bar. Chris smiled at him. Stefan’s stomach was in knots, like that smile on Chris’ face wasn’t as genuine as he wished it was.

Stefan was usually the one who was cooking dinner for the two of them. When Chris did it, it usually felt like an empty void within him was being filled. In his childhood household, a home cooked meal was a rarity. Stefan had to learn to cook at an early age, and made meals for Chris out of habit and familiarity.

Chris brought over two plates filled with food. He sat himself next to Stefan.

“Thanks Chris.”

Chris smirked. “No prob. I just mixed a little this and that together.” Chris wasn’t the best cook, but Stefan appreciated the gesture. “I figured I could do a little somethin’ somethin’, make up for yesterday.”

When they finished, Chris yawned and stretched out his arms. He lifted himself from the barstool and held his hand out to Stefan.

“What are you doing?” Chris didn’t say anything, just smiled and kept his hand out. Stefan relented and grabbed Chris’ hand. Chris walked the two of them to the couch and sat Stefan horizontally. Chris sat on the other end and propped up Stefan’s feet onto his lap. Chris pressed his thumbs into the sole of Stefan’s left foot. Stefan cooed. He wanted so strongly not to want Chris’ touch as badly as he did.

Chris lifted Stefan’s foot and kissed the bridge of it. “Anything for you, Stefan.” Chris then grabbed the right foot, and began massaging that one as well. Stefan couldn’t pull away.

“I got a call from Chandra yesterday,” Stefan said.

“Yeah?”

“She said she’s coming to visit. Would you like that? Would that be okay?”

“Sure, Chandra’s cool. We don’t have beef.” Though Stefan has seen Chandra and Chris get along, once Stefan began confiding to Chandra the more concerning aspects of his relationship with Chris, Chandra grew mistrustful of it. After prom, Stefan believed at the time that Chris and him were no more. Chris would show up again, three years later.

He begged Stefan to take him back. He said that he’d changed and had all these plans for the two of them: To move somewhere together, have their own home. Chandra thought this was unrealistic, believing the two should remain separate. But Stefan, reminded of the good times they had in high school, couldn’t help but be moved by the gesture. Stefan forgave Chris, and the two were back together again. Ever since, Chandra kept her distance from Chris, but tolerated him for Stefan’s sake.

Chris adjusted himself on the couch. “Hey, I got something else for us tonight,” Chris said.

“Really? What is it?”

Chris laughed. “You’ll see.” Chris relinquished his hold on Stefan and pulled himself off the couch to head to the kitchen. “A coworker gave me this to celebrate my ‘anniversary’ with my high school sweetheart. Figured this would be as good of a time as any.” Chris brought over two glasses and this bottle covered in plastic. Stefan was skeptical.

“Wait, this isn’t-”

“Surprise!” Chris pulled out a bottle of rum. “It’s even supposed to have a hint of vanilla. Should be good right?”

“Chris, you know I don’t drink.” Chris seemed undeterred and poured the two glasses with rum.

“I’ll just pour you a little babe. You go out with your friends all the time. Let’s just celebrate, aight?” Chris handed his glass over to Stefan. Stefan felt uneasy and didn’t grab for it. “Stefan man, come on. I’m not drinking this alone. You trying to diss my coworker? Just take it.” Stefan stared at the glass, then grabbed it hesitantly. “That’s right, babe. Let’s cheers.” Stefan couldn’t fathom this clear violation of his boundaries. He knew Chris knew this, his one rule. Once again, he shrunk for Chris, made himself smaller, and waved his needs. Stefan, bending his back for this man, felt something he hadn’t experienced in awhile: He was fed up and he wondered how much he could take.

“To us!”

“To us…”