There is No Forever - 5. Chapter 5

Devan came in late from work. He decided against texting Stefan and Jesse to see if they were up, wanting nothing more than to sit himself on his couch and remove himself from the world. He sat on the cushion in the living room, turned on his TV, and started playing a movie. He heard sirens outside his apartment window, then listened to them fade in the distance. The darkness of his apartment, with only the light from the TV providing any illumination, was calming for him as he imagined himself falling asleep. Before he could do so, his phone rang. Devan didn’t get phone calls at midnight. He pulled it out and checked the caller ID. He brought the volume down on his TV and put the phone to his ear.

“What?” He said.

“Wh- Who you think you talking to, nigga? Don’t ‘wh-what’ me-”

Devan could hear the slurring in the background. “Why are you calling me?”

“Sh-shiiiit, I-I don’t need a reason to call your ass.”

“If you don’t have anything to say, I’m hanging up the phone, Leroy. I’m tired-”

“-he-hey, I’m warning you. Don’t be coming near me, my daughter, my-”

“I’ve heard this before. Don’t call me anymore, man. I’m hearing the same shit everyday now. I’m hanging u-”

“-Don’t be hanging up on me faggot! I-I’ll kick your-” Devan shut off the phone and stuffed it in his pocket. His skin boiled and he was restless. He shut his eyes with his hands balled up in fists. He sat in the same position for some time. Just when he thought he garnered a sense of calm, he heard his phone ring again. His eyes shot open. At that moment, he replayed in his head all the phone calls, the voice messages, the threats. The ringing in his phone became the ringing in his head. He pulled his phone from out of his pocket, not bothering to look at the caller ID. He rose up from the couch, squeezed it in his hand, and hurled it at the wall above the TV. The phone shattered and the ringing ceased. Devan remained standing, only to find the faint sounds of a ringing phone still held in the air. Then it grew louder. His hands enclosed his head, then covered his ears. He crouched down on the floor, his hands still cupping his ears. He stayed there till the ringing would end.

“This one’s pretty cheap,” Stefan suggested. Devan and Stefan were in a cell phone store the following day. Fortunately for Devan, Stefan stopped by his place when he didn’t hear from him in the morning. Stefan handed the phone to Devan.

“It’s not too bad,” Devan said, looking at the outer case without trying the phone out. He placed the phone down and kept walking around.

“What are you looking for?”

“Ehh, I’ll buy just about anything with a good price.” Stefan watched Devan looking at phones, lacking any commitment to any of them. Prior to breaking his phone, Devan had received an alert through his email. He checked it and saw the message: “Your account is below your chosen amount.” And with his wall needing repair, Devan could tell he would be strapping for cash these next few weeks.

“There’s a lot of cheap phones in here, Devan. Try comparing two or three.” Devan seemed to only partially listen.

He picked up another, a basic flip phone. He opened, closed it, then decided, “I’ll just get this one.”

Stefan shrugged as he walked with Devan to the register. “At least you won’t have to hear from him anymore.”

Devan handed the phone over to the clerk. “Yeah, guess not...”

The two exited the store. Clouds blanketed the sky. A light rain fell through the air. Devan appeared miserable, and Stefan couldn’t help but wonder why.

“You never told me what happened.”

Devan kept walking forward, staring into the distance. “There’s nothing to tell.”

“Devan...you’ve been pretty out of it this morning. Then there was your phone and that dent on the wall-”

Devan turned to Stefan looking ferocious. “Can you just-” He paused. Stefan stared at Devan. “Just drop it, man. Please?” Stefan looked to the ground like he was being chastised. Devan took his eyes off Stefan and he started walking forward, soft raindrops pelting his face. Stefan trailed behind him for awhile before catching up.

“I-I’m not trying to make you upset or anything. I’m just worried about you.” Devan was engulfed in his anger and his shame. He must’ve looked so pitiful, having thrown a phone against a wall like he was a baby having a tantrum. Stefan’s words hardly made him feel better, like Stefan was the parent consoling his son.

“Don’t worry about me, Stefan. I’m sure you got enough on your plate.”

Devan wandered around in the dead of night, the rain having stopped. Stefan and himself had parted ways, and he found himself traveling directionless across town. He felt horrible after blowing up on Stefan. He thought to apologize, but his shame got in the way. Devan looked at his surroundings and realized that he had stumbled into his childhood neighborhood. His old home had experienced neglect and decay. Once beautiful houses had been abandoned, forgotten. Overgrown weeds, dead gardens, and grass blanketed the lawns. As he walked further on, his parent’s home would come into view.

The house would be to the left. A feeling of hatred had become him. He stood before it, his hands balled up into fists again. The home was unoccupied for it’s inhabitants had past sometime ago. The home was riddled with graffiti. Devan looked into one of it’s windows from the sidewalk, peeking into the room that was once the dining room. He became aware of a woman’s voice that played in his head. “And once you leave, you can never come back.” Devan felt a cold sweat trickle down his neck. He looked at another window then, this one leading to the kitchen. This time a full-blown memory was produced. He was a teenager, and large, calloused hands grabbed him by his collar as he was shoved into a wall. A woman’s voice screamed, “Stop it, James!” The man was beside himself. His eyes looked terrifying. The man looked as though he could’ve taken Devan’s life. Devan shook his head to bring him back to the present. He gave the house one last glance, then walked on.

Devan would find flashing lights in the distance. Colors of red and blue appeared then disappeared. It was not uncommon for emergency personnel to be on this side of town and paid it no mind at first. He continued on, but had a foreboding feeling that made knots in his stomach. Despite the distance, it seemed as though the flashing lights were coming from the front entrance to another home he knew all too well. Once a block way, the foreboding became apparent. Standing before him were two police vehicles, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Everything was eerily still with the exception of the lights.

Devan’s anxiety kicked up a notch. His movement seemed to be much quicker. Without thinking, he inched further onto the property before being stopped by a police officer.

“Excuse me sir, emergency personnel only,” the police officer said. Devan didn’t fight the man, but stood still. “Sir, I’m going to only ask you this one more time-”

“What happened,” Devan finally said. “Was somebody hurt?”

“That isn’t something we can disclose-”

“This is my brother’s home!”

The officer was momentarily stunned before resuming. “Sir, emergency personnel only. Can you please move to the curb?” Devan realized his efforts were fruitless, but before he turned around, he noticed another officer escorting a young woman from the home. Devan watched the two come down the driveway passing between the patrol cars. The officer spoke to the teenager, who had her head down and didn’t seem to really be listening.

“Sir, this will be my final warning.”

“Jade?” Devan said the name so weakly that only the officer could hear. The officer turned in the direction that Devan was looking. Devan projected his voice further. “Jade.” The teenager looked up and turned. She stared at Devan. She had long black braids and wore a jean jacket, gray tee shirt, jeans, and white tennis shoes. Her body had been the average size of any teenage girl, bust, legs, and hips only beginning to mature. Her small arms were stiff. She had a vacant look to her, unblinking, like she’d been in a trance.

“Uncle Devan?” she said, her voice sounding distant. “Daddy’s gone.”

Devan and Jade stood on the sidewalk. Jade stared at the grass, expressionless. Devan was able to get a closer look at the girl. He could see that she hadn’t cried, didn’t exhibit any sad emotions behind her gray eyes. She had the same chestnut skin tone that Devan had. She seemed to have inherited his eyes as well as she wore black rimmed glasses. She had full lips she had inherited from her father with a piercing on the bottom right of it. He couldn’t figure out where she got her broad tip nose and assumed it came from the mother.

“Jade,” Devan finally said. “Do you want to talk?” Jade held her left arm and began swaying side to side. The wind picked up. Devan closed his lips and folded his arms in contemplation. It was as though she hadn’t heard him at all. “Jade?”

She didn’t look up. “I just came home. I didn’t see him when I came in.” She spoke slowly and precisely, practically robotically. “I walked upstairs. Then I told him goodnight. I didn’t get a response back, but I’m used to that already. I stayed in my room for a bit. I went over to his room. I was mad cuz the internet wasn’t working again. And then…” Jade trailed off and stood in silence. Devan braced himself to hear the rest. Jade never looked at him. “He threw up and...it was still in his mouth. He wasn’t moving. I called 911. They came through the door and I took them to his room. They were checking what’s wrong, and they said...he choked on his vomit...three hours ago...” Devan had no words. Jade looked to Devan. Devan saw how she gave him the up and down, then stared back at the lawn. Devan thought it unsettling to be unable to comfort his niece. Even his own feelings towards this loss seemed unreachable to him. What was he supposed to feel? What did he need to say?

“Jade,” an officer called out. “Your ride is here.”

“Ride?” Devan said.

“Great auntie Katherine came to get me.” Jade said. Devan looked over to see a woman in plainclothes on the scene, talking to an officer. She appeared frightened, yet somber. An older man, likely Uncle George, sat in the passenger side of the vehicle, frowning and eyeing the scene.

“Will you be okay, Jade? Are you okay staying with them?”

“Yes, I’ll be okay...” The two fell silent. Devan looked at Jade hard, wanting so much to tell this girl that it would be okay, when it wasn’t. That he wanted her to stay with him, but understood he was practically a stranger to her. Don’t ever come near my daughter. Did Jade ever hear the way his flesh and blood spoke to him? Does Jade “know” about Devan? Does she care? The thoughts paralyzed him, and before long, Jade was walking away. “Bye, Uncle Devan.”

Devan took a few steps forward. “Okay Jade. Hey, if you need anything, just - just call me alright?” Jade nodded. When Auntie Katherine saw Jade she broke into tears, her arms wrapping around Jade tightly. Devan stopped in his tracks. Auntie Katherine let go and led Jade to the car, where Uncle George’s elbow stook out of the car window. They got in and Devan watched as the vehicle drove away, the red and blue lights no longer reflecting off the car’s exterior.

“Mmm, someone’s glowing today,” Jesse said, winking at Stefan. Stefan made a nervous smile and looked down. The three friends got together to spend some time in Fast Paced, a 50’s style diner with black and white tile flooring with baby blue and black booths. The Temptations played in the background and a jukebox that no longer worked sat in the corner for display. “Don’t be coy! What’s been happening with you? No call, no text.”

“Sorry about that.” He said “sorry,” but didn’t mean it. Stefan couldn’t take his smile off his face, feeling a reassuring warmth all over. “Chris took me on a date yesterday.”

“Oh did he? And what were you two doing? Being nasty I see…”

Stefan laughed. “It was a nice time. We had lunch and fed each other at this lookout point. It was like our first date. He held me in his arms and we talked about our first kiss. Damn…” Stefan trailed off and looked to be reminiscing on his seat. The date made the night prior practically meaningless in his eyes, that he didn't bother to mention it to Jesse and Devan. As long as Chris was lavishing him with affection now, there was no need for them to worry. “It was like falling in love with him again.”

Jesse shook his head. “Look at you getting all gushy on us! Mmm, I ain’t mad at you though. I’d be ignoring you two too if I had me a nice, fabulous date with a hunk like Chris.”

As opposed to humoring him like he had in the past, Stefan’s face became serious. “Hey Jesse, you have a boyfriend.”

“Yes, I know I do, but you have to admit he’s a bit on the older side, right?” Stefan thought that wasn’t the point. Jesse had chosen Nikolai and has remained with him regardless of the age difference. Devan, having been present this whole conversation, offered no words. “Being in a relationship is hard work, girl. You know this.”

“Have you talked with Nikolai about our conversation we had?”

Jesse looked visibly uncomfortable. “No, but what’s the rush? Anyway, enough about me. How are you doing, sulky?” Devan stayed silent, having hardly the energy to respond. “How has that flip phone been working out for you?”

Devan shrugged, “It’s alright. Get’s shit done. That’s all I need it for.” Stefan looked at Devan with concern.

Jesse rolled his eyes. “I also heard that your phone didn’t break cuz you dropped it in the toilet, if you catch my drift.”

“Jesse,” Stefan said worryingly.

“Naw! Devan came out with us but just wants to sit there and pout like his cat didn’t come home. What’s going on with you-”

“I threw that shit against a wall, okay? My fucking broth-” Devan stopped in mid-sentence. An avalanche of repressed anger rose from within him. Devan had to take a step back and realize he was directing his anger at someone who was no longer alive, no longer worth wasting energy for. Devan was not ready to admit to his friends what happened the night before. He calmed himself and exhaled. “I got upset at some bill I needed to pay. I’m already strapped for cash, so I flipped out. I broke my phone, and now I’m using this.” Devan pulled his new phone out, and looked over it’s exterior. He looked at it with glazed eyes.

Jesse seemed convinced. “Devan honey, if you're having money issues, why didn't you say so? You know I can get Nikolai to pass a little change your way."

"Thanks, but no thanks. I'll be alright." Devan's pride wouldn't allow him to take handouts like that. If he needed the money, he'd rather suffer in the struggle of getting it than beg his friends for it.

"Well, I guess it’s a blessing and it’s a curse. I bet you haven’t heard from that damn drunkard of a brother of yours, now have you?” Devan’s senses had overloaded. He watched Jesse’s mouth continue to move, but heard no words. He was no longer at the table, but instead, taken to a time when he lived in his parents’ home and his brother was still around. Memories started playing like home videos in his brain. He felt the inside of himself give in completely. “Devan?” Devan remained in a trance-like state. A touch on the shoulder would bring him back to reality. The hand belonged to Stefan.

Jesse repeated himself. “Are you okay sweet-”

“Bathroom.” The words tumbled out. He moved quickly to the nearby restroom. He went to the sink and stared at himself in the mirror. He started talking himself down and repeating phrases. Then he wondered why he was talking to himself at all. He had an urge to cry, but it quickly faded. He dared not cry, not for him. He stood there for who knows how long. He didn’t bother looking at the time on his phone.

He lifted himself up afterward and washed himself at the sink. He left the restroom and returned to the table. Stefan and Jesse stopped speaking when he arrived.

“Are you okay?” Stefan asked.

Devan looked at them both. “Yeah. Just haven’t been feeling well.”

Jesse’s eyes widened. “...Are you sick with that stomach flu that’s been going around?” Devan nodded. “You poor thing! We didn’t have to go out, Devan. My mama’s got a good soup for that!”

“Do you need anything from us?” Stefan asked. Aside from not being alone, Devan couldn’t think of much else. He feared having only his thoughts to keep him company, and he needed last night not to be the topic of conversation.

“I’ll be alright.” He stretched out his arms and patted Jesse and Stefan on the backs, forming somewhat of a smile. “Thank you, the both of you. I’m glad you’re my friends.” Stefan and Jesse looked at each other. Jesse shrugged, grabbed for his drink and sipped through the straw, laying his head against Devan’s shoulder. Stefan looked at Devan’s partial smile, and just as quickly, Devan looked away. Stefan thought Devan’s eyes were glistening. He felt a squeeze on his shoulder from Devan’s hand. And when he saw the look on Devan’s face again, watching him painfully bite his lower lip like he was trying to gnaw it off, he saw the look of a man who was trying desperately not to fall apart.