There is No Forever - 13. Chapter 12

The sun stung Jesse’s eyes as he attempted to pry them open. His arm hung on the edge of a navy blue couch. His mouth still had the aftertaste of liquor in it and his head throbbed viciously. He attempted to sit up, lazily wiping the sleep from his eyes and getting acclimated to his surroundings.

“You’re awake.” Jesse blinked and turned his head to the kitchen. His tired eyes attempted to focus as he saw a familiar face with a white tank top and boxer shorts. “I’m making coffee. Want some?” When Jesse finally maintained some concentration, he realized it was Filiberto and he was in his living room. How he got there and why he was inside Filiberto’s place was a mystery.

“Yeah,” Jesse said through a yawn. “I’ll take some.” The smell of roasted coffee filled the place. Filiberto poured some into gray and brown mugs then walked steadily over to Jesse.

“Here.” Filiberto handed him the mug and Jesse wrapped his hands around it carefully. He took a sip and squeezed his lips.

“Damn this is bitter!”

“Wait for me to bring the milk and sugar.” He placed the sugar and milk on the table and sat a foot away from Jesse. Jesse helped himself to them, then began rubbing his head.

“Ugh, I feel awful. What happened?”

Filiberto sipped, appearing unfazed by the realization that Jesse couldn’t recall the night before. “You got pretty hammered. You just showed up and crashed on the couch.”

Jesse’s eyebrows furrowed. “What? Why would I come here?”

“I dunno. You said you didn’t have anywhere to go so...” Jesse massaged his head some more. He remembered that he refused to have Devan and Stefan see him this way, thrown out of Nikolai’s place. That night, he stayed in a motel, then in another motel the next day, and another one the day after, trying to seek comfort in their beds and blankets and sheets. It became clear to Jesse that none of them could replace the bed he had been sleeping in for the last six months.

“You were pretty faded when you got here,” Filiberto continued. “You could’ve got hurt being out there like that.”

“And you took me in?”

“Yeah. You’d think I’d just leave you out there?” Jesse finally looked Filiberto in the eyes and was reminded of how much he had lusted for Filiberto. The desire he had for him came again, even as his head felt as though it would split open and the aftertaste in his mouth made him want to gag.

Jesse put his hand on Filiberto’s thigh. “I missed you.” Filiberto gave a pained look towards Jesse. Jesse then went in for a kiss and when Jesse didn’t feel Filiberto’s lips on the other end of his own, he opened his eyes to see Filiberto having backed away. Jesse, shocked, let out a laugh in response to the awkwardness. “Okay, my bad. Didn’t realize I was committing some cardinal sin. Is it my breath?” Filiberto bit his lower lip and nodded as he looked to the floor.

“What are you doing, Jesse?”

“Umm, thanking you? Trying to get a taste of your lips.”

“And Nikolai?” Jesse, having done a decent job forgetting about Nikolai, found himself remembering his anger.

“That fool? He kicked me out.”

“I can see that.”

“Then what’s the problem? He isn’t around, I ain’t worried about it. Why should you?”

“It’s not that simple.” Filiberto stood up from the couch to maintain a greater distance from Jesse. “After that stunt you pulled at Juniper, I can barely go out. I got fuckers I don’t even know looking at me sideways, you don’t even know man-”

“Why do you care so much about what other people think?! This isn’t about anybody else! Fuck you’re making my head hurt…” Jesse messed with his head some more while Filiberto looked at Jesse with fury.

“It doesn’t matter what other people think, it’s what they do. Bartenders messing with my drinks. Dudes shoving into me at the club. I got security patting me down outside like I did something. It’s one thing when you’re some rich playboy’s boytoy. It’s another when you’re that boytoy’s sideline dude.”

“And you think this is my fault? Like I’m the only one responsible? Bitch, please. Yes, I knowingly flirted with your ass while I was with someone else. I take responsibility for that. But last I checked hun, you weren’t held by chains and you knew what this was about. So don’t go putting this shit on me like you weren’t the one who willfully sat on this dick.”

“Fuck you.”

“And fuck you too!” Immediately, Jesse had regretted his words. The morning sun made it’s way through the room. The scent of coffee permeated and the ceiling fan above made a faint whistling sound as it cut through the air.

Jesse shook his head and said, “Dammit. I didn’t mean that. I’m sorry. Wow, that was really low...” He hated how vulnerable he felt. He lost Stefan. He lost Nikolai. Who knows, Devan might be trying to get rid of him too. He had the right. But he couldn’t lose Filiberto. He was the last one left.

“You’re right,” Filiberto said finally. Jesse looked up at him. “I got with you knowing the consequences, and I’m outta line for putting all the blame on you. I’m sorry, I’m just tired of it all.” Filiberto walked toward the kitchen. Jesse tried to imagine what Filiberto must’ve felt. He became a pariah, and Jesse knew he had to take some of the blame, though it was hard to admit.

Jesse pulled himself up from the couch and walked to Filiberto. “I don’t want to fight with you, Filiberto. If we can’t be...what we used to be, then what are we? What do you want?”

Filiberto observed Jesse, like he was finding the right words for his response. “I guess we can try being friends.”

Friends? Jesse was crushed. Filiberto said it so casually, as though what they had before was a meaningless fling. Jesse was alone in this passionate love affair he wanted for Filiberto and himself.

“Now hold on,” Jesse said, “you mean-let me get this straight. We’re not...going to kiss? Cuddle on the bed? Even fuck?”

“No, not anymore.” Jesse could’ve laughed, but understood Filiberto wouldn’t joke about this. He stepped back, relenting from the battle.

Jesse said, “I gotcha,” trying to appear as though he wasn’t hurt. He grabbed his coffee from the table and sipped it. The hot beverage stung and numbed his tongue.

“I think I should be the last one on your mind right now. The one you need to be thinking about is Nikolai.”

Jesse’s anger returned. “Nikolai?! I don’t want to talk to him-”

“You don’t have a choice Jesse. I don’t know what the deal is between you two, but you can’t keep staying here. I’ll give you a few days to get it together, but after that, you need to figure something out.”

Jesse backed down with sorrow filled eyes. “Why can’t I stay with you? I was kicked outta my home Filiberto! Damn, throw me a bone...”

Filiberto maintained his poker face. “Remember the first day we met, what you told me that day at the bar? You said you wanted a fuck, not someone who’s going to tell you they love you one day or stay with you till morning after. That’s all I was. You don’t get to change our relationship in a way that fits your situation. I’m helping you now cuz I didn’t want you out on the street last night. But honestly, I don’t think being with each other is a good idea for either of us.” Jesse curled his lips and said nothing. It was all so matter of fact, devoid of emotion. Jesse had to acknowledge that FIliberto was hurt too.

Despising how pitiful he must’ve looked at that moment, Jesse removed himself from the conversation and said, “I need to go to the bathroom,” escaping Filiberto’s gaze.

Jesse stood at the front of Nikolai’s door. There was a strangeness to it. While he recognized it as home, simultaneously it wasn’t. Not anymore. He wasn’t welcomed there, as far as he knew, and being on the other end of the door only fueled his anger and regret.

He rang the doorbell. “Coming,” said a voice from inside. Jesse could hear the footsteps approach the door. When the individual reached the door, there was a pause. Jesse looked at the peephole on the door and imagined that he was being watched. The door opened slowly. Nikolai’s face was grim, lacking sleeping. His eyes were red, like they were faucets that kept running since Jesse left.

“Good morning,” Nikolai said.

“Good morning Nikolai,” Jesse said. “I think we ought to talk.”

“We should.” Nikolai opened the door further for Jesse to walk himself in. The living room was pretty much the same. The easel and white sheet were gone and an emptiness replaced it. Jesse found a large garbage bag near the door and wondered if it contained the white sheet. “Have a seat.” Jesse looked at the couch, reminded that him and the man he was caught cheating with had fooled around on it that night.

He turned to Nikolai. “It’s alright, I’ll stand.” Nikolai shrugged. “By the way, all your cards that I have were declined.” Jesse didn’t end up at Filiberto’s without cause. On his fourth night trying to stay in a motel, Nikolai’s credit and debit cards no longer worked. FIguring the last thing he wanted to do was blow up Nikolai’s phone, Jesse made due and stumbled to Filiberto’s residence.

“That makes sense,” said Nikolai. “I cancelled them.” Jesse’s blood boiled. Why didn’t he warn him? He thought to scream, but knew he didn’t have the right to his outrage.

“Alrighty then, why don’t I start-”

“No, I’m speaking first.” Caught by surprise, Jesse closed his mouth. “Jesse, I’ve done what I could to make you happy. I tried to talk with you, tried to understand you, and I let you get away with more than I should have, even when I knew you were doing wrong.” Jesse knew it, Nikolai knew of Jesse’s infidelity before that night. “I’ve asked you why so many times Jesse, but you never could tell me, could you? I thought there might’ve been something wrong with me…” Nikolai wiped the tears from his eyes.

Jesse stood still. “Nikolai, I-”

“I’m not done. You-you’ve broken my heart. And you didn’t care! You didn’t. You purposefully came into my home with a man I didn’t know. You soiled my living room rug and couch that I, nor you, will even touch. I would ask you if you had any remorse, but I fear that would be shooting myself in the heart.” Jesse had no insight on how his behavior affected Nikolai. To see it laid out before him, Nikolai’s raw emotion and pain, the pain he’s caused, was hard to hear. Jesse's guilt was overbearing.

Nikolai continued. “Everything that is yours is in the bag you passed when you came through the door. I tried to grab everything that I could find. If anything is missing, you know how to reach me… Jesse, it’s over.” Everything went still. Jesse’s eyes became hazy. He could feel his heart pounding through his chest and his throat got tight. He thought he might collapse.

“Wait Nikolai, don’t do this,” Jesse exclaimed, “I swear I’ll change, I’ll-”

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep.” Nikolai stood opposite Jesse. Jesse saw Nikolai direct his attention to a small picture lying on his study. It was of Jesse and Nikolai, smiling to the camera. “You’ve had months to change. It’s too late.”

Jesse was all out of ways to make Nikolai changed his mind. Jesse, understanding it was time for him to go, walked slowly towards his bag. He looked inside. There were the few clothes he owned and the clothes and gifts Nikolai gave him. It was a like a large gift basket of items that even he found troubling to take with him. At the same time, he knew Nikolai would refuse to keep any of it. He grabbed it all in his arm and opened the door.

He looked Nikolai’s way. Jesse wanted desperately for Nikolai to turn around even for a moment so he wouldn’t have to leave feeling like he had made one of the biggest mistakes of his life. But Nikolai refused to look towards him, even as Jesse closed the door.

It was Chandra’s last night in town. Stefan took her to the lookout Chris had taken him previously and sat on the hood of the car to watch the stars. The owls hooted in the trees, crickets chirped on the forest floor. All they had were the lights in the sky to illuminate the nature around them.

“This is amazing,” Chandra said. “You can see all the stars up here.”

“I know,” Stefan replied. “Without all the lights in the city, it’s a completely different sky.”

“How many times have you been here since Chris took you the first time?”

“Hmm,” Stefan thought, “I think I’ve come here every week since.”

“Really? Wow Stefan. You chose a beautiful place to live.” The two heard a rustling in the bushes. They looked towards it, and the sound immediately faded away. “Do you miss home?”

Stefan shrugged. “It’s home.” He looked up to the sky again. “You know what it’s like...being attracted to the same sex there. It’s the reason Chris and I keep our relationship hidden, even here at James Street. I miss the ones who supported me, like you, and your mom and dad. But everyone else…”

Chandra frowned and looked at her fingers. “I understand. I’d get out of there too.” Chandra, Stefan, and Chris saw what being “out” looked like in their hometown. Stefan could recall the names. Sheila Tinsel, 19, physically assaulted in broad daylight, known for being one of the few out gay women in their hometown’s college. Mr. Hunter, his favorite teacher from high school, fired after it was discovered that he was in a relationship with another man. Jamal Reed, 47, murdered in a town not far from theirs. There were risks, and Stefan and Chris believed that nothing good come out of being open about their sexuality. Even in this gay mecca, the two have their reservations.

Chandra asked, “This must be nice for you. To be somewhere safer.”

“It is,” Stefan replied, “I guess there isn’t really anywhere you can go to be completely away from homophobia. But there’s so much I’ve experienced here, Chandra. I’ve danced in gay clubs. Hung out in gay bars. And I have gay friends. I’m happy here.”

Chandra smiled. “To come out here was very brave of you. I’m glad you’re taking care of yourself, even if it means you had to leave. ” Chandra’s hand grazed Stefan’s shoulder. “Have you talked with your dad?”

“No… How is he?” Chandra found Stefan’s relationship with his dad peculiar. Stefan always spoke of his desire to connect with his mom, but understanding how him and his dad relate was an enigma.

Chandra said, “I don’t know, don’t see him around much. Likes to keep to himself. I’ve seen him at the grocery before I came here.”

Stefan perked up. “You did? Did you talk to him?”

“Yeah. He mentioned you too.” Stefan gritted his teeth. He realized he hadn’t communicated with him as much as he liked. He wondered what his father must think?

“What did he say?”

“He asked if I heard from you. He said he misses you.”

Stefan sucked in his lips. “You know I love my dad, Chandra. It’s just hard to call and be reminded of everything that happened. I knew things were difficult, mom was sick and dad was stretched thin trying to keep our family together. But I felt so alone. Even when both of them were around, it was like I was invisible. I guess I get it, it’s just hard to move passed it.” He looked down at the dirt. “I can check in with him though, let him know I’m okay.” The stars hid behind small clouds that blew with the wind. The rustling in the bushes returned, though Stefan and Chandra ignored it.

Stefan asked, “How do you feel about home?”

“It’s not the best. We have our issues, but I love home. You got to love where you live. I couldn’t picture myself anywhere else. I wish you could be safe there.” Stefan looked at Chandra. He hoped this visit would convince Chandra that James Street could be her home too. She didn’t have to stay in their hometown. But Stefan could see that Chandra was attached to their hometown. She saw it in a way that he never would. But he was happy for her regardless.

She said, “ You did what a lot of us don’t get a chance to do. Leave and make roots elsewhere. Find a place you belong. I’m proud of you, Stefan.”

“Thank you… I couldn’t have done this without you Chandra. I remember you telling me that if I had the chance, I should just get up and go. And I did, and I have to thank you for encouraging me. You’ve changed my life for the better, and I love you for it.”

“I love you too, Stefan.” The two moved closer to one another, letting the moon and starlight fall over them like a thin blanket. The trees slowly swayed, it’s branches and leaves overpowering the noise of the crickets and owls. Peace enveloped them.