There is No Forever - 20. Chapter 19

Jesse and Filiberto spent some time walking around the James Street Mall. Shoppers were spilling out of stores in this outdoor mall that a great deal of the town occupied from morning to sundown. As the two wandered its corridor, they would notice some eyes on them, studying them. Even after all the time that’s passed since Jesse has even stepped into the club scene, his reputation still followed him. Filiberto was taking the heat as well.

“You see them looking?” Jesse asked. “Don’t they got someone else’s business to be in?”

“Yeah,” Filiberto agreed, “I thought I had it bad a few weeks ago. When I’m around you, I feel like I got eyes on my back.”

Despite the social consequences of their actions, the two took their reduced status in stride. Jesse could picture the accusations: How dare he flaunt his secret lover around! Does he have no shame? Being around town with the man who contributed to his infidelity rose a few eyebrows, but Jesse understood that people were going to talk, and that was something Filiberto nor he had any control over.

Filiberto kept his promise and offered to be a friend to Jesse. It would be a friend of his who got Jesse his mattress. To return the favor, Jesse took Filiberto to his place of work, offering him a discount for anything he buys.

“Not everybody gets this offer, so don’t be telling Devan and Stefan!” Filiberto laughed.

Judy’s Boutique had mannequins on display in their front window, showcasing this season’s new styles. The inside was moderately lit by the ceiling and wall lamps, giving the store a casual atmosphere. It had tan tile flooring and walls, a circular staircase that led to the second floor, and a seamstress who stood by the door inviting clients in. Her demeanor was inviting, and she recognized Jesse immediately.

“Morning girl,” Jesse greeted her. “Just doing a little shopping, I’ll come by and say ‘hi.’” The seamstress nodded and went right back to checking out some fabric. “Come on,” - he said to Filiberto - “I got a bomb outfit in mind that’ll look real good on you.”

Filiberto rose his eyebrow. “I hope I get to do my own shopping.” Jesse rolled his eyes.

The two explored throughout the store with Filiberto remarking he hadn’t seen clothes like this before. Jesse took this is as a challenge. Wasn’t it his job to sell the merchandise? This was Jesse’s world, the world of fashion. With Jesse unable to go on the spending sprees he’s done in the past, he found just as much joy dressing up his friends. Filiberto chose a few outfits that he liked and Jesse suggested that he go to the dressing room while he looked for some others.

“By the time you leave out of here, you’ll have the boys saying, ‘Who’s that?’” But before Filiberto walked off, an unexpected visitor walked through the entrance. Jesse tried to get a peek. “Welcome to Judy’s Boutique,” the seamstress greeted.

“Good morning to you, my dear.” Jesse's eyes stayed locked on the entrance and the visitor. He could recognize the outfit the patron wore from a mile away.

Filiberto asked, “Hey, what’s up?” Jesse glanced at Filiberto before turning back. He didn’t want to lose sight of the man.

“Filiberto...I think that’s Nikolai.” Filiberto turned from Jesse to find the patron with the driver hat, cardigan sweater, and suit shirt wander inside with his hands folded behind his back.

“Have you talked to him?”

“No. I haven’t seen him since we broke up.”

“You wanna leave?”

Jesse kept watching Nikolai. He was reminded of his slow gait, how Nikolai took his time and approached each day with patience and gentility. He saw that he was growing facial hair, which Jesse had never seen him wear before. The change was small, but Jesse was mesmerized. What other ways has Nikolai changed since they had last seen each other?

“No, we don’t have to leave. But, can you do me a favor?”

Nikolai perused through the men’s styles, pulling out a pair of slacks that he had his eye on. And as he checked out the fabric and the style, he heard someone behind him say, “Hey.” Nikolai’s head lifted up. He knew that voice. He turned around to find Jesse standing behind him.

Jesse tried to look neutral, but only managed to appear guilty under Nikolai’s gaze. He sent Filiberto away so that he’d have some alone time. Nikolai’s mouth was ajar, as if wanting to speak, but he closed it. Jesse took a whiff of the air. Nikolai’s scent made his knees buckle.

“Hello Jesse,” Nikolai said.

“I - umm, how are you? Wait - you don’t have to answer that if you don’t want to…” Stupid question, he thought. How do you think he his?

“Well, I’d say I’m making due. Making a few adjustments. How are you?”

“I’m...okay. I work here now, actually.”

Nikolai’s eyes widened. “Do you?”

“Yeah, I started pretty recently. I’m...making some adjustments too.”

Nikolai nodded. “I never thought I’d see the day. You must have your work cut out for you.”

“I do. It’s not been easy, but I do what I have to do.”

The two looked at each other for some time. Jesse had to admit it, being face to face with Nikolai again made him do a complete recall of the time they spent together. Lounging in five-star hotels, lavished with all the clothes that he adored, getting taken out to restaurants to try foods he hadn’t tried before. Jesse enjoyed the lifestyle, but that wasn’t what he missed. He didn’t desire to be with Nikolai again merely because he had money to spend. Jesse missed the way Nikolai touched him and held him when he slept. He missed being near him, assuring him that no man would ever mess with him. He missed Nikolai’s confidence, protection, and care. He missed being intimate with him. He wondered if Nikolai felt any of these things and if the time they spent together crossed his mind. If it did, did him bring him pleasure? Did it bring him pain? Would he admit it if he felt both?

“Nikolai,” Jesse said, “I don’t want to keep you. But… if you want, I’d like us to get together for a meal or a coffee. On me. Just so we could talk about some things.”

Nikolai rose his eyebrow. “Not a drink?”

“No, not a drink.”

Nikolai looked around, seeming unsure of the gesture. Jesse hoped to accomplish two things by this meeting. He wanted to assure Nikolai that not only was he working towards being financially independent, he wanted to show that the two could be with each other without Jesse needing to drink. He wanted to show he was growing.

Nikolai sighed “It’ll be some time before I’m ready to...make that kind of commitment. You understand?”

Jesse nodded, looking down. “I getchu. You need some time. Makes sense.” Nikolai hung up the pair of slacks he was holding, making Jesse lift his head.

“I will see you, Jesse.”

Nikolai headed to the door, making no plan to peruse the rest of the store. Jesse was oddly subdued, watching Nikolai walk out the store. Slow footsteps approached him from behind.

“How’d it go?” Filiberto asked.

Jesse wasn’t sure how to describe it himself. Good? Bad? Nikolai may not have had the rage he exhibited the day he kicked Jesse out of his home, that was clear. But Nikolai had not forgiven him. Jesse could do nothing but accept it. Maybe one day, he’ll come around.

Devan would receive some unexpected, but exciting news. He was up for a promotion at his current job. Along with the promotion, he was also expecting a significant rise in his current pay. He couldn’t be more thrilled. He envisioned taking care of living expenses would be much easier, then he’d have a chance to save for a rainy day, and he could even move to a bigger place. Devan couldn’t wait to share the news with Stefan.

Devan and Stefan temporarily sharing a living space seemed to work out in their favor. Stefan had gainful employment and had no difficulties sharing the cost of living expenses, giving Devan much needed relief. With the added bonus that Devan liked Stefan’s company, Stefan was also safe from Chris, and living with Devan gave him much-needed distance and protection.

When Devan arrived home, he found Stefan in the kitchen. The smell of chicken soup lingered in the air.

“You’re back?” Stefan asked. “Usually you’re not home till later. Are you feeling okay?” Devan put up his coat and walked towards the kitchen.

“Yeah, I’m doing alright,” he said. “Work let me off early. I got some good news.” Devan told Stefan about the promotion. Stefan’s eyes lit up.

“Congratulations Devan, that’s amazing!”

“I know! And man, it’s about time!” Stefan dropped the ladle he had in his hand and walked over to give Devan a congratulatory hug. When the two separated, Stefan was still grinning, happy that Devan was being rewarded for his hard work. Devan, however, felt strange. Did Stefan’s eyes always glow like that when he was happy? Or did he always have those small dimples on his cheeks? Devan was only beginning to notice the tingling in his stomach whenever they touched.

He ignored the signs for some time. Stefan was in a committed relationship and he didn’t want to do anything to get in the way of that. But now that Chris was out of the picture, the forbidden fruit was no longer forbidden, much to Devan’s discomfort. How was he going to manage to be a friend when his mind hinted that he wanted something else?

“We should celebrate,” Stefan said, walking towards the kitchen. “Maybe we can go out to eat? Or Jesse can pick you up a cake? This is exciting, Devan. You deserved this!”

Devan wondered how Stefan would react if he asked if the two of them could celebrate alone. He already planned to see Jesse, why not just tell him then?

“That-That’d be nice, Stefan...”

Stefan returned to the stove and started stirring the soup he was making. “Wanna try some soup? Just been cooking up something for lunch.”

“Sure, I’ll-” Devan’s phone interrupted him. He pulled it out and looked at the caller ID. “Can you give me a sec?” Stefan watched Devan put the phone to his ear and went back to his cooking. “Aunt Katherine?”

“WHAT DID YOU DO?! Aunt Katherine screamed on the other end. Devan felt a jolt to his system. He looked over to Stefan to see if he heard, then started walking into his hallway for some privacy.

“What are you talking about-”

“WHERE IS SHE? WHAT DID YOU TO HER?”

“Where is who?! Jade?! What’s going on?” Stefan overheard the change in Devan’s tone, becoming markedly more urgent. And if he didn’t know any better, he thought he heard Devan say his niece’s name.

“-I knew allowing you around her was a mistake! Tainting her with your ungodly ways. You should be ashamed-”

“You’re not making any sense. You need to tell me what’s going, did something happen to Jade?” Instead of replying, Aunt Katherine began sobbing on the other end. Devan began fearing for the worst. What could’ve happened? Why wasn’t he getting any answers?

His panic limited his patience. “Aunt Katherine, can you please answer me?”

Aunt Katherine sniffed, regaining as much composure as she could muster. “She’s gone. I don’t know where Jade is...”

It was as though someone hit him over the head. Devan held his forehead and grew faint. He tried to balance himself on the wall but almost fell to the floor. He was caught by Stefan in the nick of time, and he took him to the couch.

“What happened,” Stefan asked. “Are you alright?”

Devan’s eyes wandered around the room. Jade missing? He had a hard time comprehending if this was reality. He had just seen her, what could’ve happened?

“J-Jade… s-she’s missing,” Devan stuttered. “We have to find her. We have to go look for her, Stefan-” Devan tried lifting himself off the couch, wobbling haphazardly. Stefan sat Devan back down, putting his hands on his shoulders.

“Okay, okay, we can do that. But you should rest for a second, Devan. Let me get you some water and I’ll call Jesse.” Stefan raced to the kitchen to grab a glass while dialing for Jesse’s number at the same time. Devan was still dizzy, unable to focus. All the air seemed knocked out of him.

“Jesse, I need you over here quick,” Stefan exclaimed. “Can you take a cab?”

The three ventured to Aunt Katherine and Uncle George’s part of town that same day. Jade had been missing since the night before. Aunt Katherine had informed the authorities that same night, but since Jade hadn’t been gone for over 24 hours, local police could only do so much. Teens run away from home, that’s what they do. Devan, Aunt Katherine, and Uncle George could claim it was out of character, but what did they know? They weren’t the ones who raised Jade.

Devan informed Aunt Gladys what was going and all seven of them would proceed to search for the missing girl. Aunt Katherine and Uncle George would call friends of Jade while the rest called hospitals, searched shelters, and ventured off to any spots the teen tended to frequent. Could something have happened to her? Devan’s uncertainty made him feel sick.

Stefan drove Devan and Jesse in his own car. There was a chill in the air, and a faint breeze rustled the fallen leaves. They drove through the city, Devan growing more disheartened and uncertain that Jade would even be out and about, just waiting to be found.

“Have we already contacted her friends?” Stefan asked.

“Yeah,” Devan said. “The ones we know of…”

“I can’t believe the police aren’t getting themselves out there looking for this girl,” Jesse complained. “Don’t they have children they’d be worried about if they didn’t return home?! ‘It’s just what teens do.’ Please.” Devan could appreciate Jesse’s frustration. He seemed eager to find Jade too, though Jesse knew little about her.

He continued. “Teenagers missing from home, more times than not, leave on their own cuz they ain’t happy where they are or they get kicked out. I wonder if Ms. Katherine knows more than what she’s letting on.”

“Why would you think that?” asked Stefan. “You don’t know her, Jesse.”

“I know enough! She was awfully quick to say our boy Devan had something to do with his niece being gone. Ain’t that suspicious?”

Devan only partially followed the conversation. Stefan was right, Devan hardly spoke about Aunt Katherine enough for Jesse to make that kind of accusation toward her. However, Jesse did have a point. Why during their phone call did Aunt Katherine assume Devan was responsible for Jade’s disappearance?

Stefan asked, “So you’re saying she must’ve left on her own?”

“I’d bet!”

“What do you think, Devan?”

Devan wasn’t sure what to think at all. He could hardly think. All he wanted was to see Jade once again...

Devan, Jesse, and Stefan grabbed a room in a close by hotel when night had come. Staying within the city limits seemed to be the best strategy so they didn’t have to travel far the following day. Devan, however, was restless. How could they sleep?

“There’s no way we’d find her at this time of night,” Stefan pleaded with Devan. “Without any leads, we don’t know where to go.”

“How can we just sit here?” he cried. “My niece is missing.”

“Devan, I understand, but what else can we do?”

“We can keep driving around! We haven’t checked out the next city. What if she’s there? Have either of you thought of that?!” Stefan looked to the floor. Jesse looked sadly at Devan.

“Sweetie,” Jesse said, “Stefan and I get it and we’re doing everything we can-”

Devan yelled. “How could you possibly get it!?” Jesse looked long at Devan, then rose from the bed, heading towards him. Devan’s intensity made Stefan take a few steps back. It disturbed him that a friend’s righteous anger would frighten him, as if Chris was in every man who showed their rage.

Jesse tried putting his hand on Devan’s shoulder. “Devan-”

Devan jerked his shoulder away. He hid his eyes behind his hand.

“I need to be outside for a second.”

Devan excused himself and entered into the night, pacing along the hotel corridor. His mind was set on one thing: Jade, where are you?

The clock struck midnight. Jesse found himself fighting sleep to keep awake on the couch, his eyelids heavy. Stefan sat patiently on the edge of one of the beds, not entirely sure what to do. Devan sat in a chair, fidgeting and trying to occupy his time. Stefan and Jesse convinced him to stay in, but it did nothing to calm him down. The more time passed, the more pessimistic he became.

Then a phone rang. Jesse’s eyes shot open. Stefan thought to reach for his own but realized it wasn’t his ringtone. Devan, coming to the realization it was his own, was frozen from anticipation. He didn’t know whether to be relieved or afraid. Stefan and Jesse stood by while Devan put the phone to his ear. He didn’t recognize the number.

“Hello?” he said.

“Hi,” the voice said. It seemed to be coming from a young girl. “Is this Jade’s uncle?”

“Yes, yes it is.” Devan rose from the couch, unable to contain his excitement. “Is Jade alright? Do you know where she is?”

“Yeah… she’s here at my house. I can give you the address.”

Devan breathed a sigh of relief, but then had to ask, “Who are you?”

The girl took a while to answer. “I’m...her friend. You should come by quick. Her aunt and the police called, and we don’t want to get in trouble.”

“Don’t worry about that. Just let me know where you two are.”

The three friends arrived at the address Jade’s friend had given them. The house was mostly dark, with only the porch light on. Devan asked Stefan and Jesse to stay in the car while he went over to check things out. When he moved closer, he saw his niece and another teenage girl seated on the porch.

“Jade?” Jade looked up to see Devan, her face grim. “Oh my God, you’re here!” Devan could’ve cried, but he noticed something different about Jade. She didn’t seem happy to be found at all, or thankful for Devan’s effort to find her.

“Are your parents here?” he asked the teenage friend.

The girl nodded, “Yes, they’re asleep right now… They don’t know anything.” Devan was confused. What did she mean?

She continued, “We lied and said she was spending the night. That’s when her auntie called...and the police the next day. We didn’t want to get in trouble, so Jade suggested we call you.” Jade didn’t look at Devan. Her arms were folded as she looked out onto the lawn.

“You mind if I talk to Jade alone?” Devan asked.

The teen and Jade looked at each other. Jade didn’t make any noticeable gestures, but the girl nodded and walked off. Devan walked steadily towards Jade and sat next to her.

“You have no idea how afraid we were for you,” he said. “I thought something had happened to you.”

Jade looked guiltily at Devan. “You’re not mad?”

“No, of course not! You were gone and we were all worried about you.”

Jade nodded in disbelief. “Not great Aunt Katherine.”

“What do you mean?”

Jade moved her braids out of her face. “You should’ve heard her on the phone yesterday, the way she spoke to my friend. Aunt Katherine doesn’t even know her!” Jade shook her head, her face tense. “I couldn’t stand being there anymore. I hate going to church and living under her and Uncle George’s rules. If daddy were here…”

Leroy… It seemed odd. Devan and Jade didn’t talk about Leroy despite their connection to him. His death seemed like a topic they weren’t willing to broach. Too painful to mention. For Jade to bring him up, Devan wondered how his niece was dealing with his loss.

“It’s not fair,” she said through her tears. “He wasn’t perfect. Wasn’t even close. But he didn’t force me to do anything I didn’t want to do or make me believe only what he believed... Now he’s gone.” Jade wiped her eyes and cheeks. Devan could feel her anguish. He was used to being caught up, trying to find the words to convey that he cared. But he got out of his head and spoke from the heart.

“He did love you,” he said. “He loved you very much.” Jade’s teary eyes looked at Devan. “Leroy did everything he could to protect you. Even though I wasn’t there, or when he spoke out of bitterness… I heard it.”

Jade looked at Devan with longing, like she had a great weight she wanted to remove off her chest.

She asked, “Did my dad say mean things to you a lot, Uncle Devan?”

“... Yeah, sometimes. Things one shouldn’t say to someone you love. We were close if you could remember. You were pretty young at the time. But, I guess things change.”

The two sat in silence. The full moon casted a soft blue light across each home, covering the streets, the lawns, and the trees. The two ought to be cold, but found themselves in need of this space to be vulnerable with one another. Devan wondered why it took so long. It was as if the two never left each other’s side since Jade was six years old.

“I think daddy was scared,” Jade said.

Devan’s brows furrowed. “Scared?”

Jade nodded. “You’re gay, right Uncle Devan?”

“...I am.”

Devan had expected his niece to respond with disgust or anger. Prior experience told him to expect the worst. But instead, Jade seemed sad. She looked to be finding a way to express what was on her mind.

“I think Daddy was scared… that I’d become like you.” Devan’s eyes squinted unconsciously. “He...saw it in me too. He knew that I… I liked girls… and he thought if I was around you, the family would disown me too.”

Devan couldn’t contain his shock. Leroy spent several years trying to forget about Devan and his last remaining years taunting him. It seemed he wanted nothing to do with him, even going as far as to threaten him to stay away from Jade. Leroy wasn’t upset or disowned Devan merely because he was gay or because he threatened his image as the family’s shining star. Leroy was terrified. Terrified that his daughter would share the same fate as his younger brother, stigmatized by a family that would rather discard their own than confront their prejudices. And here was Jade, four years younger than Devan had been when his mom and dad removed him from their home, under the roof of an aunt and uncle who despised him for who he is. Could that mean?

“Does Aunt Katherine or Uncle George know this?” he asked.

Jade nodded. “I knew better than to tell them anything. I left when I heard Aunt Katherine was talking bad about you. I didn’t want to be around her.” Jade’s tears returned. “Please don’t make me go back! Not to them. Please…” Jade cried in Devan’s shoulder. He held her and rocked her.

Devan informed his Uncles and Aunts that Jade was found. He said he’d bring Jade to Aunt Katherine and Uncle George’s in the morning. Aunt Gladys and Uncle Charles planned to meet with them all that same morning as well. On the ride home, Stefan drove calmly through the streets, checking in on his passengers using the rearview mirror. Jesse faced the window on the passenger seat, watching the city pass him by. Jade slept in her uncle’s lap while Devan’s hand caressed her shoulders. Jade was safe. Now Devan contemplated what tomorrow holds. He abhorred the idea of Jade having the same fate as himself and expected to give Aunt Katherine and Uncle George a little more than a piece of his mind.