There is No Forever - 21. Chapter 20 Final Chapter

Thank you all who have been reading and following my story! I'm excited to say that I just might be wrapping it up, my first finished story that I've written as an adult! I appreciate you all for your kind words, encouragement, and much needed criticism to make this story what it is  ! While this is the final chapter, I will end the story with an epilogue.
Please enjoy the final chapter of There is No Forever...

Without rhyme or reason, Devan traveled to his high school. His old school still stood looking no different than it did when he attended, with concrete buildings making way for a gated entrance into the school. Devan found it peculiar that the gate would be opened, though no one seemed to be around. He walked through the gate and tried to identify some spots he remembered, like where he went to lab or where he attended the school pep rallies.

He kept moving forward and found himself passing the basketball courts and ending up on the football field. There was a mystical quality about the place, the grassy field surrounded by a thick white haze as though it was immersed in clouds. His hands were in his pockets as he wandered around the area. It was never this empty unless class was in session. As he stood there, a shadow of a man was coming toward him. Instead of being alarmed, Devan stood there, curious to see who it was that was walking around this deserted area. As the stranger broke through the mist and got gradually closer, Devan couldn’t believe his eyes. Standing at about the same height as himself, the same physique, the only difference being a shaved head, he eventually identified the stranger as his brother, Leroy.

“Hey, little bro,” Leroy said as he approached Devan. Devan thought he was hallucinating. He couldn’t speak. What was happening here? Leroy had passed from this world. Devan went to his funeral and saw him in his casket. This didn’t make sense! What would he be doing here and how did he know where to find Devan?

“Leroy?” he asked, rightfully skeptical.

Leroy laughed softly. “It’s me.” Devan wiped his eyes. This couldn’t be real. “How have you been, little bro?”

“Uhh, fine, I guess.” Devan found it strange to talk to Leroy so casually. “What about you? How are you doing?”

Leroy sighed. “I guess you could say I’m learning my lesson. What happens when your body can’t take no more and gives out on you. High price to pay, huh?” He moved passed Devan, heading towards the bleachers and basketball courts. Purple hyacinth flowers grew spontaneously beneath Leroy’s feet every step he took. Devan, entranced, followed behind.

He continued, “I miss this place, kid. Shooting hoops on the courts, checking out the babes. I spent more time at this school than I ever did at home.”

Leroy climbed up on the bleachers as Devan stopped himself at the bottom of them. What is going on here? Was Leroy a ghost? An angel? Leroy sat himself down and saw Devan’s hesitation.

“No need to be scared,” he said. “Can’t do nothin’ to you.” Devan, hesitantly, walked himself up. He sat alongside Leroy, looking at his face, his clothes, his posture, all fitting his late brother's. “I lost sight of something real good, man. It wasn’t losing my chance to go to the NBA, or not being able to get the fam and I out of the old neighborhood. No, it was an appreciation of life, and the life I made when I was blessed with my baby girl.” He turned to Devan. “You been around Jade?”

Devan couldn’t tell if Leroy was genuinely interested or setting the two up for confrontation. Dealing with Aunt Katherine and Uncle George, in addition, finding Jade when she went missing, Devan didn’t feel obligated to hide anything.

He replied, “Yeah. We’ve been spending a lot of time together.”

Leroy nodded. He started playing with the tall grass underneath the bleachers and pulled out a piece.

“Even after I told you to keep away from her?” Devan nodded cautiously. He might’ve been feeling bold, but he was still talking to his older brother.

“Yeah, I did. And I can’t say I’m regretful. I didn’t get a chance to see my niece for half of her life because of you. You took something special from me and I don’t understand why.”

Leroy’s piercing gaze didn’t turn away from Devan. His face remained blank.

Devan continued, “You should see us now. I’ve been doing my damnedest to rectify lost time and be the uncle I couldn’t be. And most important of all, she can trust me. You have no idea what you’ve done.”

“... So that’s how you feel?”

Devan exploded. “Damn right! How could you, Leroy? What the hell did I ever do to you to make you take Jade away from me? And remove yourself from my life like you did?”

“Nothing.”

“Nothing!?”

Leroy shrugged. “Yeah, nothing. You’ve never done anything to justify what I’ve done, and I know a sorry ain’t gonna bring those years back. I was foolish and I committed some irredeemable sins. I lost my wife. I lost my life. I lost my chance to watch my little girl grow. And I lost you, my baby brother. The kid I watched my family disown. I could say sorry to you a thousand times, don’t think I passed on without carrying with me a shit ton of regret. I was wrong.”

Devan wanted so much to unload the years of neglect and pain that his brother put him through. To curse him for succumbing to addiction and not being there for Jade like he should’ve been. Why couldn’t he have turned things around when he was still alive? Why after death does he now understand what he’s done?

But Devan couldn’t hold on to his resentment. What does resentment do for him in the present? There was nothing Leroy could change about what happened, and unfortunately, he had paid the ultimate price.

“... I’m glad Jade and you have been able to reunite. It’s cold out there, and she’ll need someone to show her the ropes. Who better than my own flesh and blood?”

“Why me? What about gram and grandpa? Or Aunt Gladys? Or Uncle Charles, or-”

“That’s not what I’m saying. She’s gotta know not everybody is going to be cool with her being who she is. Folks aren’t going to accept her with open arms. She’s gonna need someone who knows what it’s like, who's made a life for themselves despite the bullshit. Let her know she ain’t worth any less cuz she might grow up to love a woman instead of a man...”

Devan was dumbfounded by Leroy’s acceptance of Jade. His clarity, understanding, wisdom, and reflection. Devan knew this for sure, he truly was talking to the real Leroy, the Leroy before alcohol abuse took over his life. For his brother to speak of his errors and acknowledge the connections that he destroyed, Devan had the chance to change his outlook. No more will his brother’s words fueled by self-hate and vitriol predetermine his relationship with Jade. He now had the freedom to be the uncle he wanted to be, gay or straight, with Leroy’s blessing.

Leroy put his arm over Devan. “I know you don’t owe me anything and I have no right to be asking you for any favors, but I want you to look out for my baby girl. You can be a better man for her than I ever was. You think you can do that for me?”

Devan didn’t answer. Instead, he put his hand out for a handshake. Leroy looked at Devan’s open palm, then caught on quick. Leroy grinned, that same grin he had when he was a young boy. He grabbed Devan’s hand, and the two embraced each other. Leroy felt like home.

When the two pulled away, Leroy, still grinning, said, “I love you, Devan. Thank you.”

“... I love you too, Leroy.” Leroy rubbed Devan’s back. Then, Devan watched as Leroy’s body began to get taken over by a bright white light. Leroy closed his eyes and started gradually floating into the air. Where was he going to? Devan thought of nothing else other than going with him. He held Leroy’s hand as he started drifting into the air. Soon, Devan was being lifted up into the sky as well. He looked down below and watched as the ground moved further away from his feet. Leroy opened his eyes and laughed.

“Your time ain’t here yet, little bro. You have to keep living…” And before he knew it, everything went white.

A glimmer of sunshine pierced through the curtains. Devan woke up to the sun in his eyes in the hotel room. Jade was sleeping beside him. Jesse was sprawled out on the next bed, and Stefan slept soundly beside Jesse, underneath the covers. Devan looked around at them, touching the bed, realizing where he was. It was a dream. Despite the vivid picture he was given, it was all a dream. His body felt warm. He started to feel tears forming. But they were good tears, tears of joy. What an unexpected omen, he thought, to be graced by the presence of his older brother once again...

The air was chilled to the point where everyone was able to see their breath. The sidewalks were empty, and Stefan practically had the whole rode to himself as he drove to Aunt Katherine and Uncle George’s. Devan gave Aunt Gladys the heads up that he would be bringing Jade there and wanted his aunt to be present. She obliged.

The day created a great deal of angst for the three friends and Jade. Jade was already less than eager to be reunited with her aunt and uncle considering her plan was to get away from them in the first place. Devan was apprehensive himself, especially after the information Jade shared with him the night before. He wondered if it was even appropriate to take Jade back. Even with Leroy’s encouragement, Devan still wasn’t sure that he knew what he was doing.

The three arrived at Aunt Katherine and Uncle George’s. They had a home made of white cement with a burgundy rooftop. A white cement walkway led to the front door surrounded by grass still covered by morning dew. At the front door, Devan and Jade could see Aunt Katherine walking through her screen door. She carefully came down the steps as Uncle George gradually began to show himself, keeping close to the door.

Devan turned to Jade. “You’re ready?” Jade said nothing, her eyes still locked on her great uncle and aunt. “Hey, I’ll be there with you. Jesse and Stefan too. You can do this.” Jade finally looked up at Devan, appearing glum. Devan opened the passenger door, and Jade opened her door as well.

“Jade!” exclaimed Aunt Katherine, holding up her long skirt as she walked through the paved walkway. When Jade was completely out the car, Devan put a hand on her back and they walked slowly towards the house. Jesse and Stefan took themselves out the car as well.

“My, my, Jade we were worried sick!” Aunt Katherine wrapped her arms around Jade, who didn’t seem to react to being hugged. Devan felt knots in his stomach. “Where were you!? Are you okay?”

“Yes,” Jade said. “I’m fine.”

“Good, good. Bless the Lord…” Aunt Katherine took her eyes off Jade to notice Devan standing right beside her. Devan thought he was being looked at like he was intruding on their reunion. “You found Jade. Thank you.” The “thank you” seemed to lack any real sincerity. Devan thought she might as well had said nothing at all. He also found it peculiar that Uncle George stood by, glaring at the lot of them as though he had something to be upset about. Did his efforts to bring back his niece unharmed mean little to him?

Aunt Katherine asked, “And who are these other men, Jade?” as though Devan weren’t there.

“... Those are Uncle Devan’s friends,” she said, glancing back at them. “They helped find me too.” Aunt Katherine looked away from Jade to get a better look at Jesse and Stefan. She gave a concerned look towards them, her mouth twisted and agape.

“These men? These men have been with you since last night?” Jade nodded hesitantly, not understanding her aunt’s change in demeanor. Aunt Katherine stood up and faced Devan. “You brought random men around your teenage niece?”

“These aren’t random men,” Devan said. “These are my friends.”

“Makes no difference. I don’t know them. They could’ve - ugh, George!” Aunt Katherine yelled across the yard towards the door. “George, you better come over here. Your nephew has had these grown men hanging around your grand niece.”

“Hey!” All of them turned towards Stefan’s car. Jesse looked obviously perturbed, with Stefan holding his arm. “Do you realize we went out of your way to find your niece?”

“Excuse me?” Aunt Katherine shot back.

Jesse tried closing the distance between him and Aunt Katherine, but Stefan held him back. “I’m saying, a ‘thank you’ would be the least you can give!”

“With all due respect, mam,” said Stefan. “he’s right. We were worried about Jade too, that’s why we came all this way with Devan.”

“...And how do you know my grand niece?” asked Aunt Katherine. “I don’t recall Jade having mentioned either of you two before today. Something is up here, and I’m not liking it!”

“Devan,” called out Uncle George, finally speaking up and moving away from the door. “Are you gonna let these two talk all this nonsense to your auntie like this?”

Devan shrugged. “... I can’t say they’ve said anything out of line.”

Uncle George looked hard at Devan. “What? You got wax in your ears, boy?!”

Jade looked up at Devan. Devan could tell he was being watched. Uncle George walked over his large-sized body, his arms swinging wildly beside him.

He said, “That’s it. Jade, you need to go on inside.”

Jade’s eyes moved between Uncle George and Devan. “Wait, b-but Uncle George-”

“I said go on!” Jade opened her mouth ready to fight back, but her words got caught in her throat. It was the rule, you couldn’t talk back to your elders. As she took a few steps forward, her head down while facing the lawn, she heard someone say, “Wait, Jade.” Jade stopped in her tracks. It was Devan.

“What the hell is this!” Uncle George exclaimed. “Are you telling my niece to disobey me?!” Devan watched this situation become more out of hand than he expected. He had to have been doing the right thing, yet he worried about the repercussions.

“No,” he said. “I need her to hear this.” Devan’s face was serious as he looked at Aunt Katherine, who was unsure as to why she would be on the receiving end of Devan’s harsh glare. “Aunt Katherine… what do you tell Jade about me when I’m not around?”

Aunt Katherine glanced at Jade. “What I speak about to my grand niece should be of no concern you.”

“When your words affect the relationship I have with my niece, it becomes my business. You don’t have free reign to get in the way of that.”

Aunt Katherine rose her voice. “Where do you get off telling me what I can and cannot do?” She sauntered over to Devan, appearing bold. She moved close enough to him and looked him in the eyes. “You’ve got some nerve, coming here acting like you ain’t got no sense, speaking to us any kind of way and bringing with you these strange men. Are they with the Lord, or do they pervert themselves as you do?”

Jesse yelled, “Now, hold up-”

“Jesse stop,” Stefan whispered to him, trying to calm him down.

“What does it matter, what I say?” she said. “Your lifestyle is an abomination! I’ve told you this personally. You think Jade doesn’t already know? Leroy would be furious if he -”

“If he what?!” Devan interrupted her. Aunt Katherine’s eyes were locked onto Devan’s through her spectacles. For once, she appeared taken off guard. Uncle George became visibly flustered by Devan’s defiance. “If he what, knew that I was looking out for his daughter? Leroy was my brother. You don’t know what he said or what he thinks about me. You couldn’t. You abandoned him like everybody else in the family when he couldn’t live up to your impossible standards. So don’t talk to me about him like you somehow knew what he was about.”

Aunt Katherine’s mouth dropped. She didn’t have the words. “H-h-how dare you...”

Another vehicle parked near the curb of the scene. Everyone went still. When the engine died, out from the passenger door came out Aunt Gladys. She looked obviously bewildered by the situation. Uncle Charles came out from the driver’s seat as well.

“What are you doing here?” Aunt Katherine directed her question at her sister. Aunt Gladys glanced around at everyone, then locked eyes on Jade. She swayed over, her hips leaning from side to side until she reached Jade.

“... I came to see my grand niece,” she said softly. “How are you doing, baby?” Aunt Gladys leaned in for a hug with Jade, playing with her braids. She separated herself from Jade, Uncle Charles taking her spot, and stood next to Devan. “I also came because my nephew asked me to.”

“This matter has nothing to do with you,” said Aunt Katherine defiantly.

“Anything concerning my nephew concerns me too.” Aunt Katherine scoffed. “You’ve been giving Devan nothing but respect in front of your grand niece, I assume?”

“... I will give respect to whoever is deserving. Under my household, Jade will know who deserves her respect, and who doesn’t.”

“Then I don’t wanna live here!” Jade’s unexpected shriek stole the attention of everyone at the scene. They all went quiet. “I don’t want to be here with you!”

Aunt Katherine’s face softened. She walked over to Jade.

“Dear,” Aunt Katherine said, lowering her tone and putting her hands on Jade’s shoulders. “I know you care deeply for your Uncle Devan. But you also have to understand that who he is isn’t right.”

“I don’t believe you!”

Aunt Katherine seemed to be losing her cool. “Jade, it isn’t about what I believe, it’s what the Bible says.”

“I don’t care!” She removed herself from her aunt’s hold. “... If the bible says that you can’t treat Uncle Devan right cuz of who he is… then I don’t want to believe anything the bible says.”

“Jade!”

“I can’t watch you talk about my uncle anymore.” Aunt Katherine had a visibly stunned expression. Uncle George looked ready to blow a casket.

“... Jade,” said Aunt Gladys, “you are becoming a young woman now. I’d say it’s about time that you get to choose who you want to be with.”

“Gladys!” Aunt Katherine exclaimed.

“I’m not telling the child anything she shouldn’t already know. Jade has the right to choose.”

“Wait a doggone minute,” Uncle George protested, inserting himself into the mix. “Are ya’ll crazy? The girl ain’t but fifteen years old.”

“Let the young lady speak,” Uncle Charles said, his hand raised in Uncle George’s direction.

Jade looked around at each of them. Devan couldn’t comprehend how Aunt Gladys and Uncle Charles could give Jade this kind of a choice. It was like he was seeing his niece back when she was eight years old. Adults always decided Jade’s fate for her. She was powerless over who she could keep in her life and who could take care of her. Devan had to understand that his aunt and uncle were finally giving her the power to make her own decision.

Jade walked slowly over to her Aunt Gladys. Jade turned to Uncle Charles, watching him anticipate her next words. She looked at Aunt Katherine and Uncle George, who showed their trepidation. Finally, she turned to Devan. It seemed as though she had made her choice.

“Uncle Devan... could I stay with you?” she asked.

“WHAT?!” yelled Uncle George, blending in with Aunt Katherine’s gasp.

Devan looked at Jade with wide eyes. “Jade, is that really what you want?” Jade nodded confidently. Jesse and Stefan shared surprised expressions. Uncle Charles and Aunt Gladys seemed to be the only ones who looked visibly happy.

“Jade,” said Aunt Katherine, her voice fluctuating as she recovered from her shock. “Y-You don’t have to make such an immediate decision. Come on, think about what you’re doing.”

Jade looked at Aunt Katherine with unwavering eyes. “... I’ve already thought about it,” she said, “I want to go with Uncle Devan.”

Uncle Charles looked at Devan. “Well, what do you think, neph?”

Devan glanced at Uncle Charles and Aunt Gladys before turning back to his friends. Jesse and Stefan, though they looked worried, grinned in the background. And then there was Jade, who looked surer than she had been in a long time. He thought at that moment: Leroy’s prayer could be answered.

“...I’d love for you to stay with me, Jade,” he said. Jade smiled broadly, she couldn’t contain her joy. She ran over to Devan and hugged him tightly.

Aunt Katherine looked over to her sister. “Is this what you wanted? Do you realize what you’ve done to this child!?”

Aunt Gladys looked at her sister with aggravation. But her agitation seemed to falter as she looked at her nephew and niece in their embrace. This moment couldn’t be ruined.

“Yes,” she said plainly. “I do realize what I did. And, maybe one day, you’ll understand why...”

The air didn’t seem to be as cold as it was. Devan and Jade’s embrace stole the show, warming the hearts of everyone who supported them through their journey. Jade had her hero, and Devan had the love of his life to care for. Now he can repair what had been broken.

A few weeks had passed since Jade went missing and was found by Devan. Jesse was flying around every which way in the busy Judy’s Boutique, attending to boisterous customers. The stress of it all would bring anyone to their wit’s end, but Jesse enjoyed being kept on his feet. Work life was going well, finances were in order. He even passed on buying a fifth like he promised to do every time rent was due. Without the guilt and anxiety he found himself in when he first moved into his own place, Jesse was becoming someone that even he could be proud of.

As the day started slowing down around noon, Jesse was preparing to take a lunch but was stopped by his boss.

“There’s a gentleman here to see you,” she said.

“Gentleman?” he said in a questioning tone. “They asked for me specifically? What did they want?”

His boss shrugged. “I don’t know. He said he needed your advice on what to buy. Not entirely sure why he seems able to dress fine on his own…”

Jesse’s boss informed him where the customer would be. Without complaint, Jesse headed that way. He knew he must enjoy his job if he didn’t mind taking lunch later than usual. When he arrived at his destination, his mouth fell when he saw who the customer was. The man turned around, and Jesse discovered it was Nikolai. Nikolai managed a smirk as he walked slowly over to an awestruck Jesse who couldn’t find the words to say.

“Good afternoon,” Nikolai said.

Jesse swallowed. “Good afternoon, Nikolai. My manager was saying you were needing help?”

“Mmhmm. I wanted to get your opinion on some things.”

Nikolai walked over to the clothing rack with Jesse following behind. What was on Nikolai’s mind, Jesse thought. He couldn’t have only come here to get Jesse’s opinion on clothes. Jesse tried contemplating an ulterior motive while Nikolai started looking through the rack and pulled out a couple of shirts and pants.

“Well,” he said, “what do you think of these?”

“They’re alright, but…” Jesse stopped himself and began going through the rack himself with Nikolai watching him from the side. “I think… this and… this would be a match better with your choices. Just my opinion.”

Nikolai took the clothes from Jesse’s hand and began studying them. “Hmm…” he hummed. “What if I wore this with… this?”

Jesse shook his head. It was such an obvious fashion faux pas. Nikolai knew better!

“No, no, no, never wear those pants with a shirt like this. You want to use darker shades for something like this.”

Nikolai analyzed their selection of clothes again and let out another, “Hmm…”

Was Nikolai pulling Jesse’s leg? Nikolai dressed fine, more than fine. But Jesse caught on that this was a little game Nikolai and him used to play. The two of them always enjoyed a bit of roleplay.

Jesse smirked, catching on to Nikolai’s game. “If you have any concerns, sir, you’re always welcome to try on your outfit in the fitting rooms we have in the back.”

Nikolai blinked slowly, cocking his head slightly as though he was considering the idea. “If I try them on, will you be there to help me choose?”

“Well of course! Here at Judy’s Boutique, we make sure each customer doesn’t go out looking like a mess. Store policy.”

Nikolai laughed softly to this. “I trust your judgment then, Mr. Jesse. You always did pick nice outfits for you and I.”

Jesse was surprised. Nikolai recalled the memory without any sign of discomfort. He spoke of his relationship between the two of them as though it didn’t leave a bad taste in his mouth.

“May I ask what’s the occasion?” Jesse said. “Taking yourself out on a little date?”

Nikolai frowned and gave a terse, “No.” Jesse closed his lips tightly. “I don’t think I’ll be doing any kind of dating for some time.”

Damn, bad question, Jesse thought. Devan and Filiberto always told him that he had bad tact. And Stefan is probably too polite to say anything. He worried his question might chase Nikolai away.

“I’m sorry… I shouldn’t have asked…” Jesse looked towards the floor, folding his fingers together. “Nikolai, I’m so sorry. I made some fucked up decisions, I was being selfish, and I took our relationship for granted. You have every right to not want anything to do to with me, I wish I could take everything back that I did. With time, I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.”

Jesse saw Nikolai looking straight at him. His face was blank, Jesse didn’t know how to interpret it. Nearly a quarter of his lunch break had already passed.

Nikolai exhaled deeply through his nose. “I accept your apology.” Jesse made a weak smile. “We’ll make sure to have that dinner you promised me, okay?”

“Okay.”

Nikolai hung up the clothes he was checking out earlier. “... Well, it’s time for me to go. I will see you, Jesse.”

As Nikolai turned to walk away, Jesse folded his arms. “Hey, I thought you needed help finding an outfit?!”

Nikolai stopped in his tracks, turned to Jesse. He had an embarrassed smile on his face like he’d been caught.

“Did you really think I came here to get help picking out clothes?” Jesse laughed. Nikolai smirked and walked himself out the door. Jesse closed his eyes and stood there peacefully. He could still smell Nikolai’s scent in the air.

Jade had been another addition to Devan’s home. Adding another member to the apartment took some adjustment, but Devan hoped with time they could move into a bigger place. And it wouldn’t hurt to have Stefan tag along, he thought.

“It could be a nice, three bedroom place somewhere,” he suggested to Stefan one day. But Devan was getting the impression he wanted to keep Stefan close for another reason other than simply being a friend…

“Maybe we could,” Stefan replied. “Once we finish helping Jesse furnish his place, maybe we can put some money aside and figure something out?” Devan was ecstatic. Who knows? With enough time, Stefan would be able to heal from his previous relationship. Unfortunately, Stefan couldn’t begin his healing yet.

He had been avoiding confronting Chris for strong-arming him back into the relationship. How could he? Stefan learned the hard way that you can’t always confront abusers. To further complicate his problem, he didn’t have the means to ask for help outside of Jesse and Devan without revealing his sexual identity. What was he to do? Stefan was in no ordinary situation, there was no rulebook for extracting himself out of his treacherous dilemma.

Stefan and Devan arrived at the grocery store around the evening. Jade remained at home to work on her studies, secretly hoping the two would grab dinner along the way. The food mart was brightly lit, with the ceiling lights giving a light yellow tone to everything under its glow. A mist fell on the assortment of cucumbers, bell peppers, and carrots in the vegetable section. Quick frozen dinners were kept in the freezers at the back of the store, and aisles of dry food and supplies were placed on shelves throughout the space.

“I wish I knew how to feed a teenager,” Devan said. “All Jade ever asks for is junk food.”

“I’m sure it’ll get easier with time,” Stefan assured him. “She hasn’t been living with you for that long, and I’m sure she’s thankful for your efforts.”

Admittedly, Devan felt pressure raising his teenage niece under his Aunt Katherine and Uncle George’s critical gaze. Whatever they see would surely be reported back to the rest of the family. Devan could only be confident in his own abilities, and the love he has for both Jade and Leroy, with Uncle Charles, Aunt Gladys, and his friend’s assistance.

The two completed shopping and exited the store. The sky was a navy blue, the trees and houses becoming shadows in the far distance. The parking lot contained lamp posts that cast sections of white fluorescent light. Fireflies, moths, and mosquitos flew and buzzed around the air, some Stefan and Devan had to swat away from their faces and the groceries. A security guard stood by the exit, watching as shoppers entered and exited.

Stefan and Devan reached their car and began putting away the groceries in the back. As they did so, Devan’s hand slapped his forehead.

“Shit, I have an early day tomorrow,” he said. “I know we’ve been talking about not eating take-out as much, but do you mind checking out the food court and getting something family style?”

“Sure, no problem,” said Stefan.

He walked off, the air chilly and clinging to his skin like tree sap on his fingertips. He adjusted his scarf, bringing it around his neck once more to cover up his neck. With the changing season came an unexpected cold Stefan hadn’t prepared for prior to moving to this town. It was time to buy more weather appropriate clothes. As he came up to the entrance, he made a halt, standing in the middle of the street. He looked to the entrance and found himself froze to the spot, completely paralyzed by who came out the exit doors. Before he could react and turn back, the man at the other end of Stefan’s stare noticed him.

“Stefan?” he said. The man was Chris.

Stefan couldn’t even manage to take steps back. He should’ve known better. It wasn’t as though Chris lived in some other city out of sight and out of mind. He lived here, meaning Stefan could run into him anywhere, whether it’s the theater, the beach, or the grocery store. Oddly, Chris didn’t appear angry. He approached Stefan slowly, a grin on his face. But Stefan wouldn’t be fooled by a smile.

“I can talk to you from here,” he said to him.

Chris stopped for a moment, but then continued walking forward. “Not even a hi? Man, that’s cold, Stefan-”

“You’re still coming towards me, I want space between us.”

Chris ceased walking this time. His grin was beginning to fade. Stefan wanted this. He needed Chris to take him seriously.

Stefan looked at his surroundings. He was too far from the car to see Devan. He was right at the edge of one of the lamp’s lights near the front of the store, though there was hardly any foot traffic coming in and out. He noticed the security guard at the entrance of the store, not necessarily paying attention to them, but keeping watch of the area. Stefan needed this awareness to safely communicate with Chris and ask for help if needed.

“I haven’t heard from you in awhile,” Chris said. “I thought you would’ve made up your mind by now.”

“What did you think I’d choose?”

“To bring your ass back! You’re not stupid, Stefan. You’re not trying to be out here, everybody knowing you’re a faggot.”

Chris said the word so fluidly like it fell out of his mouth. Every time Chris said the word “faggot,” Stefan’s heart jumped. Chris wasn’t only speaking of Stefan’s orientation, he was speaking of his own. Did Chris seriously carry around this kind of self-hate?

“I… I see.”

“And I’ve been waiting by the phone for you to call. You tryin’ me. You better be glad I didn’t do nothin’ impulsive.”

Stefan understood Chris’ MO. He acted as though he predicted and knew Stefan’s every action and thoughts. At times, he was right, and Stefan could swear Chris was in his mind, playing with him like a puppeteer. But the Stefan from the past isn’t the one that Chris was speaking to this time around.

Stefan sighed. “I guess that wouldn’t have been good... According to you, that’d be fair right? Losing my job and being disowned by family because I wouldn’t come back to you-”

“You’re talking like I’m some heartless asshole!” Stefan said nothing to this. “You’re making me do this. If you hadn’t been acting up, we wouldn’t be needing to do this. You had enough time to think. What’d you decide?”

Stefan put a great deal on the line to protect his sexual identity and keep Chris and his’ relationship private. Yes, there were great risks involved being “out.” And yes, Chris was the only man he ever loved. After weeks of weighing his options and being forced to choose a decision on the spot, Stefan wanted to make sure he chose the decision that would allow him a greater chance for self-preservation. Stefan wasn’t making this choice for anyone, but himself.

“I say... go for it.”

Under the fluorescent light, Chris’s eyes were hardly seen, covered by his eyelids as he looked hard at Stefan.

“Go for it?”

“Yes. If you feel like that’s something you want to do to me, I can’t stop you. And I won’t. Because once you do this, it’ll be the last thing you ever do to me.”

Chris’ face twisted. Stefan could hear his heart in his ears.

“Do to you, Stefan? What do I do to you? You act like I hit you or something.”

Stefan flinched. “You don’t have to hit anyone to hurt them-”

“Then tell me how I hurt you! Go on, tell me.”

Stefan felt taunted. But he made sure not to fall for the trap.

“... This isn’t about bringing up past wrongs. This is about you trying to force me back to you by threatening to out me. That isn’t right, Chris. You don’t do that to someone you care about, no matter what the circumstances. This isn’t easy for me either, but I can’t keep letting you think that this is how you treat people-”

“Treat people?” Chris spoke over Stefan, a look of disgust on his face like he needed to spit something from his mouth. “What the fuck are you talking about, man? You’re speaking to me like I done somethin’ to you and it’s pissing me off-”

“Dammit Chris, stop interrupting me!”

Chris stopped talking. The censoring Stefan usually does in his head before speaking to Chris went out the window. It was as if a dam broke within him. Chris' callousness towards him ripped him in two. He wanted to tell Chris precisely what he felt without holding back. He needed this, whether he was heard or not.

He continued. “I’m tired of you speaking over me whenever I say something you don’t want to hear. I’m tired of you making excuses and acting like you don’t do these messed up things to me. It isn’t fair, Chris! I don’t deserve this, and I’m not coming back to you to repeat the cycle. You don’t know what you’ve done? That’s a lie. Did you think you weren’t doing anything wrong when you smashed the last photo your boyfriend had of his mom and dad?”

“Shit, that? Come on, I overreacted. I can get you a new frame-”

“Do you think it doesn’t hurt me when you humiliate me and make me feel ugly for doing nothing but try to please you?”

“I’m joking, babe! You’re always being sensitive when I’m only trying to have some fun with you-”

“Did you think it was okay to bully and threaten me in my home?”

Chris became slower with his answers, finding ways to respond to Stefan’s onslaught. “I mean, I can take things too far every once in awhile, but -”

“And I’ve sat here and watched you degrade my mom and my friends. The people that you know mean a lot to me. There is no excuse.”

Chris didn’t have a response. The two stood in silence, letting the night envelop them. The security guard made glances at the two but saw nothing that warranted concern. A family exited the store, a mom pushing a cart with a toddler in the shopping cart. As they waited for them to leave, Stefan felt tears come down his face. Chris noticed them as well.

“I wish you could feel what I feel… In the back of my mind, I always hoped you would change. That eventually, you’ll come to your senses and open your heart to find that the person in front of you isn’t going anywhere. That you don’t have to keep tearing them down. I held on so hard to that Chris I knew who picked me up from school, took me out with his friends, and made me feel like he cared about me.

“But I’ve fooled myself long enough. You claim to love me and want to be with me for the rest of your life, but this isn’t love. You’re taking advantage of me, and I won’t let you do it anymore. We’re through.” Stefan stood up straight as he looked at Chris. His tears kept falling, but he wouldn’t wipe them away.

Chris looked as if he’d been punched in the gut. Stefan expected an outburst, a physical confrontation. A moment where he knew Chris would be at his most desperate to force Stefan back to him. But he was quiet. Too quiet. A car passed by them, exiting the parking lot.

Chris begin closing the distance between them, alarming Stefan. “Fuck you, Stefan! Are you gonna throw away ten years of us being together like that? Watch, I’ll make your life a living hell.”

When Chris was only a few feet away, his shadow climbing up Stefan’s legs, he stopped in his tracks. He appeared as though he was looking through Stefan. Stefan saw a shadow grow larger behind him. With steady steps, he realized the shadow belonged to Devan.

Devan stood beside Stefan, his arm in front of him. “Are you alright?”

Stefan nodded. “I am. I think we’re finished talking. Goodbye, Chris...”

Devan put his arm over Stefan’s shoulders and the two turned around, heading to the car. Stefan looked behind, seeing Chris stand there and watch them walk away. His fear for him faded the further the distance between them was.

The two sat in the car in silence. Devan saw Stefan’s puffy eyes under the car’s indoor lights. It was torture seeing Stefan cry, and he hated Chris for being the main cause. He began rubbing Stefan’s back. Stefan only stared at the car’s dashboard. After a minute or two, he looked up and turned to Devan. And he smiled.

Devan was confused. “What is that smile for?”

“... I don’t know,” he said. Because he didn’t. It didn’t make sense to him either. He no longer had a romantic relationship with his high school sweetheart. What was there to smile about?

“I guess I’m… happy. It’s over, Devan.”

Stefan no longer wanted his life to be controlled by his feelings of uncertainty. There was nothing certain about the future, he didn’t have that kind of control, and it felt freeing to let that angst roll off his shoulders. Little did Stefan know, that would be the last time he’d see or hear from Chris on James Street again.