Storms - 29. Daniel

‘You should put on a thicker coat. It’s cold out,’ said Lewis, picking at the collar of my jacket. ‘It’s nearly December now, you know.’

I stared at my feet. ‘I . . . I don’t really have a thicker coat. Or any coat.’

‘Oh.’ Lewis licked his bottom lip, looking thoughtful. ‘We’d better fix that, then. We’ll go shopping after you’ve seen your therapist this afternoon.’ He smiled, but I still felt uncomfortable looking him in the eye.

‘But . . . you shouldn’t spend money on me . . .’

‘Hey.’ Lewis’s tone was firm, but not unkind, and I finally met his gaze. ‘As long as you’re here, you’re family. Okay? And we’ll provide for you, that’s the whole point. Besides, if it makes you feel any better, we’ll be getting an allowance for taking care of you, anyway. So you really don’t have to worry.’

Family. There was that word again. I thought if I dwelled on it too much, I would cry, so I didn’t. Instead, I nodded slowly. ‘Okay.’

Lewis hugged me. He gave good hugs, strong and tight and kind, and I was so starved for that kind of affection from a grown-up. It was only Wednesday, and I’d only been with them for two days, but already it felt so natural, the hugs and the encouragement and the conversation at meal times.

Stephen took me to school. They’d tried to convince me to stay home another day to recuperate and relax, but I had slept much better than the night before, even without Michael’s reassuring presence, and I wanted to see all my friends. Friends . . . A few weeks ago that would have felt like such a foreign concept. Now, I just wanted to experience school with my friends without being scared. Without Loz around.

Thinking about him returning on Monday left me with a sick feeling in my stomach. Soon, my reprieve from the fear and the anxiety and the pain would be at an end. I wanted to make the most of it.

Julie gave me a fierce hug when I arrived. ‘It’s so good to see you! How are you? How’s Mr. Griffiths’s house? Are they nice to you?’

I smiled. ‘They’re very nice. They’re awesome, actually. Lewis is taking me shopping today. After . . . after my therapy session.’

‘They’ve got you in therapy?’

‘Yeah.’ I sighed. ‘I’m kind of nervous. But it’s probably a good thing. Isn’t it?’

Julie took my hand and gave it a squeeze. ‘You have been through a lot. Can’t hurt, in any case. It’ll be fine.’

‘I know,’ I said. ‘It’ll be good for me.’

We entered the classroom, and the moment I’d sat down, Sophia Hopkins and Oliver Cox appeared at my side. ‘Hey, Daniel,’ said Sophia, smiling. ‘All right?’

I nodded. ‘All right.’ I frowned, staring at them for a second. ‘Did . . . did you need something?’

Oliver cleared his throat. ‘Actually, we were more wondering if there’s anything we can do for you. I mean . . . Seems like you’ve not been doing too well, and with everything that happened, we just thought, well, maybe you could use some more friends. You know?’

I fought the urge to ask them to go away. I didn’t want to be someone’s project, to be fixed or whatever. And I hated the idea that the only reason these people wanted to be my friends was because they felt sorry for me. I didn’t say any of that. Instead, I forced a smile. ‘That’s . . . that’s nice of you.’

Oliver gave me a smile that seemed more like a grimace. ‘It’s not, really. I know this probably sounds like we’re just feeling sorry for you or something.’ I blinked. I hadn’t expected that. ‘It’s not. I mean, at least not just that. It’s unfair that you’ve been so alone. You came here as a new student, and no one even bothered to try and make friends with you. Everyone was so mean to you, and we didn’t even bother trying to help you. Except for Julie, eventually. And we know you have other friends, too, those year elevens, but . . . we want to have your back and make up for, you know, everything. For not acting like we should have when you needed friends. I’m really sorry. We’re really sorry.’

For a moment I just sat there. I had no idea what to say, how to react to this. Oliver sounded like he really, really meant it. Every word of it. And next to him stood Sophia, looking equally earnest and apologetic. I swallowed. ‘That’s . . . that’s okay. I appreciate it. That you . . . understand.’

Oliver broke into a wide, relieved smile. ‘Oh, good! Anyway.’ He put his hand in his pocket and pulled out a thumb drive, which he offered to me. ‘We wanted to get you something to, I dunno, give you something nice to do. Michael said you like sci-fi, so Tekla sorted out some stuff for you. Through, er, extra-legal means, probably. Anyway, it’s got some Star Trek, Battlestar Galactica . . . Tekla said to tell you it’s like The West Wing in space, which tells me exactly nothing. Then there’s some old Doctor Who.’

‘There’s some movies, too,’ said Sophia. ‘Probably really old ones. Tekla’s such a nerd,’ she added fondly, and I couldn’t help smiling.

‘A woman after my own heart.’

‘Person,’ Sophia corrected me. ‘They’re non-binary. They said we could tell you. And don’t get any ideas, cause their heart is taken.’ Sophia winked, and Oliver blushed.

I laughed. ‘I can honestly promise never to make a pass at Tekla.’ I hesitated for a moment, and then, because they were being so genuinely nice to me, and I knew that Sophia was all over the social justice part of the Internet, and they just told me Tekla was non-binary anyway, I said, ‘I’m . . . I only like boys. Actually. So . . . Only Julie and Michael and them know.’

Sophia and Oliver barely batted an eye. ‘Okay,’ said Oliver.

‘Don’t worry,’ said Sophia. ‘We won’t out you.’ She smiled.

‘Thanks.’ I returned her smile, and they walked away to take their seats.

Julie just stared at me, for a long moment. ‘That . . . that was brave, Daniel. You really trust them, after just that?’

I shrugged. ‘It’s not, really. You heard what they said about Tekla. Anyway, I’m about a thousand percent done with being ashamed or scared or whatever. I’m just, I’m done. So if it makes sense to tell someone, I will.’

‘Simple as that?’

‘Simple as that. The only people whose opinion I care about already know and don’t care. I figure the more open I am, the less the bullies can hurt me. I mean, is it really fun calling someone gay if you know they actually are?’

Julie grimaced. ‘I dunno. I think it’s risky either way. Though, to be fair, it’s not like it can make it worse.’

‘Exactly.’ And this way, I thought, Loz has nothing on me. He has no power over me anymore.

* * *

When I saw Michael at dinner, it took everything I had not to fall into his arms. Even though we’d seen each other just last night, every moment apart felt like an eternity. So cheesy, but I couldn’t help it. We found a moment to steal away before afternoon lessons commenced, to snog for a little while. It was sorely needed.

After school, Stephen took me to see my new therapist. Her name was Dr. Camila Garcia, psychiatrist. She said to just call her Camila. She was in her forties, with dark hair and smiling, honey brown eyes. Stephen left me alone with her.

‘So, Daniel.’ She sat facing me, legs crossed, smiling. ‘I understand you’ve had a rough time lately. How are you holding up?’

I shifted in my seat. My chair was identical to hers, a modern looking armchair with black fabric upholstery. Glancing around the room, I noted stuffed bookshelves and prints on the walls, of birds and fish, and one with a sunset that was probably meant to be calming.

‘I’m okay,’ I said at last. ‘Like you said, it’s been rough, but things are better now.’

‘With your new temporary living situation, you mean?’

I looked at my hands. ‘Yeah. I wish it was permanent. I really like Lewis and Stephen.’

Camila uncrossed her legs and picked up her coffee mug. ‘It’s good that you like them.’ She smiled again and took a sip. ‘So, what would you like to talk about?’

I stared at her. ‘You’re asking me?’ I licked my bottom lip. ‘Aren’t you going to make me answer lots of questions?’

She chuckled. Her voice was a deep, lilting alto. Pleasant to listen to. ‘I probably will in due time. But I’d like to get to know you first. So you can talk about whatever you like. Tell me about yourself, or your friends, or what sort of films you like, anything.’

‘Erm, okay.’ I paused, trying to decide where to begin. ‘Well, I like science fiction. Movies, books, TV shows, games . . . If it’s in space, I probably like it. I’ve got a thumb drive in my pocket full of cool stuff to watch that I got from some friends at school today.’ Now that I was talking, I felt a bit more confident and continued. ‘I have more of those than I thought I did. Just today, Oliver and Sophia came up to me and gave me the thumb drive and said they wanted to be my friends. I’ve never really had a lot of those, and the first month at this school I didn’t have any at all. Then Julie became my friend, and she introduced me to this year eleven bunch. Amy, Siobhan, Deacon, and . . . Michael.’ I gave a small smile. ‘Michael’s my boyfriend. It’s really new. Neither of us has had a boyfriend before.’

‘You seem happy.’

‘How could I not be? Michael’s amazing. I had such a crush on him forever, and to find out he liked me back . . . I felt so happy I could die.’

‘I’m glad you have someone you care about, and who cares about you. And it’s good to hear that you have friends who are there for you.’

‘Yeah.’ My smile faltered. ‘I just wish there wasn’t . . . so much of what’s happened has kind of been getting in the way.’

‘Do you want to talk about it? Because if you’re not ready for that, we can talk about something else. I know these things can be difficult to open up about.’

I shrugged. ‘I dunno, really. I feel like I’ve talked to so many different people about it already . . . Doesn’t really make a difference if I tell you, too. To me, I mean.’

‘Well, if you want to, you can start wherever you like.’

I nodded. ‘I’ve always been bullied. I’m the kind of person who attracts them, I guess, the bullies. I just . . . Like I said, I’ve never really had friends before. I’m glad I have them now, or I’m not sure how I would’ve . . . They told you, right? About what Patrick and his friends did.’

Camila nodded. ‘They did. It was an absolutely horrible thing, what happened to you, Daniel.’

‘It’s not even . . . I mean, I’ve had worse, really.’

‘From your stepfather, you mean?’

‘Him too.’ I took a deep breath. ‘I hate my mum. I mean, I don’t really, I love her. A lot. I just, I feel like she never cared as much as she should. Like she cared more about herself than she did about me, and I’m her kid, you know? It’s not really her fault, she was just a kid herself when I was born. She had no idea how to be a mum. Still, all those boyfriends she had when I was growing up, they were . . .’ I felt tears well up in my eyes and brushed them away when a few of them trickled down my cheeks. ‘They were really mean to her, and to me. I always felt like . . . I dunno. Like nobody cared. James was the worst, but there were others who were really bad, too.’ I exhaled shakily. ‘I’m not sure I can talk about this right now after all. I’m sorry.’

‘Don’t be sorry,’ said Camila. ‘We have time. You talk about whatever you like.’

I remained silent. I wasn’t sure what else to say.

‘Tell me about Michael.’

I felt myself smile again. I couldn’t help it. Just the mention of his name made me feel warm inside. ‘He’s wonderful,’ I said softly. ‘He’s been there for me so much. I stayed over a few times, even before . . . I was anxious, and he held me. This was before we even kissed, before I even knew he was gay, before he knew I was gay. I mean, is it like this for all gay people? Like you have to go round guessing if the person you like is even into your gender?’

Camila laughed. ‘I think that’s a question your foster parents are better suited to answer.’

I smiled. ‘They seem so happy together, you know? Like they’re just perfect for each other. I’ve never seen grown-ups who love each other like that. Like, that much. I never knew people could be like that.’

She looked a bit sad at that. ‘Not something you’ve had experience with?’

I almost laughed. ‘Thought I’d made that pretty clear . . . I’ve never known people like Lewis and Stephen before. I hope I’m half that happy when I’m older. I hope . . . I hope I’m still with Michael, and that we’re like that.’ I sighed. ‘I wish Stephen and Lewis were my dads.’

‘You’ve only lived with them for two days,’ Camila pointed out.

‘Doesn’t matter. I’ve never had a real family before. They feel like a family. That’s all I need to know.’

* * *

Lewis picked me up after my session. ‘How was it?’ he asked as I got in the car.

‘Exhausting. Talking about all this stuff . . . I could sleep for a week.’

He nodded. ‘I can imagine. Therapy can be really draining.’ He gave my hand a squeeze. ‘You still up for going to buy a coat, though?’

I sighed. ‘Not really, but let’s go anyway. You’re right, I’m . . . I’m cold.’

Lewis smiled kindly at me. ‘Well, we can’t have that. Let’s go, then.’

He ended up getting me a charcoal wool-blend hooded duffle coat. He wouldn’t let me see the price tag, but at least it was on sale, half off. It was, perhaps, a little bit on the bigger side, but Lewis insisted that I wasn’t done growing, and this way I could have it for longer. He also got me a scarf. It was olive green. He said it matched my eyes.

I put it and the coat on before we left the shop. The coat was so nice and warm and comfortable to wear. It was probably the nicest item of clothing I had ever owned.

As though it had simply been waiting for me to get a warmer coat, when we came outside it had begun snowing. It was light, and it was melting faster than it could pile up, but still, it was snowing.

‘Not a moment too soon, hm?’ Lewis ruffled my hair and pulled up my hood for me.

‘Thank you,’ I said as we got back in the car. ‘Really, thank you. I’ve never . . . I mean, I’ve had a decent winter coat before, but . . .’ I fell silent. I never had been very good with words, but apparently, Lewis didn’t need me to be.

He said, ‘You’re welcome, Danny.’ Then he pursed his lips. ‘Sorry, is it all right if I call you that?’

I smiled. ‘Yeah. Yeah, it’s totally fine. I like being called Danny, you know, by people I—’ Love. ‘People I like.’

‘Then Danny it is,’ said Lewis with a smile, and then we went home.

* * *

It was a good week. I was no longer alone in every lesson I didn’t have with Julie. Oliver, Sophia, Tekla, or Justyna would generally sit next to me when Julie didn’t. Justyna was a plump, pretty Polish girl, blonde and immensely stylish. She carried herself much like Amy did, with the confidence of a monarch. She was sweet and funny and welcoming, with a fantastic sense of humour.

Tekla was easy to talk to. They had auburn hair in a pixie cut with turquoise stripes that most schools would frown upon. Ours didn’t. Tekla told me Mrs. Lawton had complimented them on it when they first had their hair dyed. We geeked out over classic sci-fi together, and it was nice to have another queer friend.

I had less in common with Sophia, who was straight, and a vegan, and far too busy with her activism to care about TV or films or any of the stuff I was into. The only thing we seemed to have in common was skin colour, and Sophia was darker than I was. But she was kind and fiercely loyal and, as it turned out, gave really good hugs.

So did Oliver, who had dark, curly hair and wore glasses and generally just seemed to love the world and everyone in it. He and Tekla were adorable as a couple, but even though they were together, he was very free and open with his affections and hugged absolutely everyone that would let him.

I slept better for every night I spent in Stephen and Lewis’s house. Friday night I slept the whole night through and woke up on Saturday feeling better than I had in, well, ever, really. Michael and I had decided to spend that whole day together, just the two of us, and around noon he showed up.

We went to my room.

‘So, what do you want to do today?’ he asked as we sat down on my bed.

‘I don’t care,’ I said, ‘long as it’s with you.’ Then I grimaced. ‘Sorry, that was super cheesy.’

He laughed. ‘I like it when you’re cheesy. Besides, you make me wanna say all kinds of cheesy stuff, too.’

‘Yeah? Like what? Let’s have a cheese-off!’ I grinned.

He seemed to consider for a moment. ‘Like, I want to be with you all the time, and every second I’m not feels like forever.’

I smiled and looked at my hands. ‘That’s a good one. I . . . I feel the same way.’

‘Your turn, then.’ Michael gave me a grin and raised his eyebrow in challenge.

‘Okay, let me think . . . Sometimes when I look at you it makes me so happy I could die.’

‘That’s a very good one,’ he said, and he gave me this gentle smile.

I said, ‘When you look at me like that, it makes my heart race and it makes my palms all sweaty and I feel like I can’t breathe because I just want to kiss you so much.’ It came out in a bit of a rush, and I felt my face heat up as I said it, and then I couldn’t look at him anymore.

‘Don’t be embarrassed, Danny,’ he said softly. ‘Look at me.’

I swallowed the lump in my throat and turned my face back toward him. He was smiling, and then he kissed me. ‘I wanna kiss you, like, all the time,’ he murmured against my lips. ‘And I wanna hug you and hold you and just be with you. Always.’

I gave a short, quiet laugh. ‘We are one massive block of cheese.’

Michael laughed too, but I cut him off by kissing him a lot more deeply than I had dared to do before, and I pulled him down on the bed with me, so he was right on top of me. His weight felt comfortable, comforting, like a soft, heavy blanket. He smelled like soap and shampoo and freshly fallen snow. I never wanted to be anywhere else.