Black & Blue - 1. Black & Blue

The boy sat up in bed, rubbing sleep from his eyes. He listened to the silence around him, listened for the tell-tale sound of his brother’s steady breathing and occasional murmurs through the thin wall between their bedrooms, but he couldn’t hear it. Something was wrong.

He got out of bed and left his room, approaching his brother’s bedroom door. ‘Nathan? You in there, mate?’ There was no answer. The boy knocked harder. ‘Hey! Nathan!’ Still nothing. The boy opened the door, squinting into the darkened room. The bed was empty.

Where could he have gone? The boy walked downstairs, the steps only occasionally creaking under his bare feet. In nothing but pyjamas, he exited into the garden. A gust of wind shook the branches of the plum tree, and he hugged himself against the chill. No sign of his brother. He called his name, but there was no reply. The boy stood in the silent garden for a few minutes; minutes that felt like hours. The silence pressed in on him, threatening to suffocate him.

Then he heard it. A noise, like a faint mumble from over near the rosebush, upon which last year’s rose hips hung shrivelled and dry. Slowly, he made his way toward the source. There was a faint rustle in the grass. ‘Nathan?’ he breathed. He took a step closer, looked down on the ground, and he saw the hand. The hand held a knife. Another shaky step, and then—

I opened my eyes with a gasp. I was drenched in sweat, the bedsheet wrapped around my legs and the duvet on the floor. My heart was racing and I tried to calm my frantic breathing. I brought my hands to my face, covering my eyes. They came away wet with tears.

‘Jake?’ whispered a voice from the other bed in the room. I turned my head and found Alex looking back at me. ‘You all right, mate?’ His voice was filled with concern. He lay propped up on his elbows, black hair hanging down in front of his eyes. His duvet pooled around his waist, pale chest almost seeming to reflect the moonlight seeping in between the blinds.

‘Yeah. Fine. Just . . . bad dream.’

‘I thought as much,’ said Alex, gentle smile playing on his lips. ‘You were tossing and turning. Mumbling a lot, too.’

‘Sorry. Did I wake you?’

‘Nah, I was already awake.’ Alex grinned.

I glanced at the alarm clock. ‘Dude, it’s like three in the morning.’

‘Yeah, had a hard time falling asleep. Usually do. I mean, I’ve been dozing a bit, but . . . I was about to try and wake you, you were thrashing about so much.’ His eyes bored into mine, even from across the room in the dim light. He had that David Bowie thing going on: one of his pale grey eyes had a permanently dilated pupil, making it look almost entirely black. It looked eerie. That was the eye usually covered by his fringe. It was due to an injury or something. He’d never told me anything more than that. ‘What were you dreaming about?’ he asked.

‘None of your business,’ I said automatically, then immediately regretted it, looking away. ‘I mean, I don’t wanna talk about it . . .’

‘Okay,’ said Alex. ‘I won’t push.’

I began to untangle my legs from the sheet. I really must have been thrashing about a lot. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Alex get out of bed. He came over to me, helped me stuff the corners of the sheet under the mattress. Then he lifted the duvet off the floor and covered me with it, all but tucking me in. ‘There. Go back to sleep.’ He smoothed back my hair, and then returned to his bed. I just stared, not sure what to say.

Alex was obviously and unapologetically gay, and he frequently flirted shamelessly with me. Maybe that should have bothered me. I was straight as they came, though I could easily admit that Alex was objectively attractive. Tall, willowy, his face the perfect blend of masculine and feminine. And he made me feel calm and at ease. I cared about him. He was my friend.

‘Night, Jake,’ he said, crawling back into bed. I adjusted under the duvet, turning over on my side so I could see him properly.

‘G’night, Alex.’

Still, I couldn’t fall asleep, and I shivered in my bed as my mind went back to the dream I had just had. Back to Nathan. The dream always cut off right there. So did my memory. Nathan’s hand holding that knife and then . . . nothing. The following morning I had woken up in the cold, dewy grass, next to Nathan’s lifeless body, and I had been the one holding the knife. And I just couldn’t remember.

That was the worst part, the not remembering. Mum didn’t want anything to do with me after that, she was convinced I’d killed her angel. And I couldn’t be sure that I hadn’t, even though there was absolutely no reason why I would. I loved Nathan. Everyone did. Of course, they didn’t really know him. Not like I did. Mum thought he was perfect. I knew otherwise.

That had been nearly seven months ago. I was sent to Greystone almost immediately. Part school, part prison, part loony bin. A place for teens in the foster care system who had issues of various kinds that made it difficult to find families who’d take them in—mental illness, behavioural issues, stuff like that. Most of us were over fifteen, which didn’t help; many foster families want younger kids. The youngest of us, a girl called Rachel, was thirteen. She’d tried to stab a teacher.

I glanced at Alex, who appeared to finally be asleep. I owed him a lot. If it hadn’t been for him, I would probably have tried to off myself months ago.

#

When I woke up the following morning, Alex was just returning from the showers, towel wrapped around his waist and water droplets clinging to his hair. How he could be so chipper after getting so little sleep was beyond me, but when he saw that I was awake he gave me a bright smile and said, ‘Morning, Jake! You sleep okay?’

I yawned. ‘Not too bad, in the end.’ My eyes followed him as he walked over to his closet. Alex was exactly Nathan’s type. Slim, fair, dark-haired, kind of goth. He bore an uncanny resemblance to Nathan’s ex, Rory. Alex was better looking, though, and taller; quite a bit taller than me, and I was of above average height. Rory had broken Nathan’s heart in the end, decided he wasn’t gay after all and shacked up with some girl.

Alex met my gaze and smiled. Yeah, he looked chipper, but he had heavy bags under his eyes. So he was human after all. Then he dropped his towel and I had to look away. Alex wasn’t shy. The opposite of me; even with all I’d done, I was uncomfortable with nudity when sober. As I shifted in my bed I realised I had morning wood and almost groaned out loud. Making teenagers share rooms, and showers, and basically all spaces. No privacy at all. How’s a boy meant to have a wank in peace?

I got up, making sure I kept my back to Alex, grabbed my towel off the hook next to my bed, and headed for the showers, keeping the towel in front of me. I stopped by a toilet and, biting my lip the entire time to keep quiet, got off as quick as I could.

After showering, I returned to our room. Alex was still there, sitting on his bed with a book. He looked up. ‘Get dressed, lazybones, or we’ll miss breakfast.’

We ate with Dav and Nigel. They shared the room next to ours and we were all in year twelve. We hung out fairly regularly, and I considered them friends. Nigel was blind, which was why finding him a foster family had been so difficult. He was pretty well adjusted, though, despite the neglect he’d suffered at home. Dav was just about the best roommate he could have hoped for, as he didn’t at all mind occasionally helping Nigel get around, even though he sometimes joked about what a chore it was. Dav joked about most things. That was his coping mechanism, I guess.

‘Did you check out that new girl, Maggie?’ Dav asked me as I sat down. ‘Pretty hot, right?’

‘She’s like fourteen, Dav,’ I told him. ‘It would be super creepy.’

‘Yeah, but she’s still hot.’

‘You might as well go after Rachel,’ I said. ‘Same fucking difference.’

‘Ugh, no, that bitch is crazy. And thirteen.’

‘Mate, everyone here is crazy. You forget where you are? And you never put your dick in crazy.’

‘Smart, hot, sane,’ said Alex. ‘Pick two.’

‘Half your age plus seven, isn’t it?’ said Nigel. ‘The age thing? You’re sixteen, half your age is eight, so you can’t go younger than fifteen.’

Dav laughed. ‘Boring. Two years up, two years down, that’s my rule. Maggie fits nicely in there.’

I shook my head. ‘None of those rules would work with me. I’ll be seventeen in December. ’Sides, wouldn’t touch any of the girls in here. They all have issues. We all have issues. Everyone here has fucking issues. Relationships? Bad idea.’

‘Who said anything about relationships?’ Dav grinned, wiggling his dark eyebrows.

‘I wouldn’t touch any girl, period,’ said Alex. ‘But don’t worry, you lot are all safe. Like Jake said, we’re all bonkers. It’ll only end in tears.’

‘So, what, more than six months in and you haven’t tried to bum Jake yet?’ Dav laughed again. ‘Thought you’d be going after him for sure. You don’t think he’s fit?’

I blushed. ‘Piss off, Dav.’

But Alex smiled and said, ‘Oh, he really is.’

‘And you can piss off and all,’ I told him, sipping my coffee and trying not to blush even deeper.

‘Take a compliment, Jake,’ said Alex. ‘Told you, not gonna try anything.’

‘So out of the three of us,’ said Dav, ‘marry, shag, throw off a cliff?’

Alex laughed. ‘You’re plummeting to your death, mate. Nigel’s a sweetheart, I bet he’d make a great husband. As for Jake . . .’ He turned to me. ‘I’d fuck you so hard you wouldn’t be able to walk, darling. Repeatedly. And with abandon.’ He grinned. I knew he was joking, but I still couldn’t meet his eye, as much as I forced myself to laugh with him and Dav.

‘But if you’re thirteen,’ said Nigel, clearly having utterly ignored the rest of the conversation (and boy, was I grateful for the change of subject), ‘then half your age rounded up is seven, and seven plus seven is fourteen, so you have to go older. Same if you’re twelve, you’ll have to go for thirteen, but thirteen can’t go for twelve, so we’ve got a bit of a paradox then.’

‘Gross,’ said Dav. ‘Who has sex at twelve?’

I shrugged. ‘I did.’ Alex and Dav both stared at me. Nigel cocked an eyebrow in the general direction of my voice. ‘What? I was an early bloomer.’

‘How much sex have you had?’ asked Nigel incredulously.

I smiled wryly. ‘A lot.’ It was true. For a while there I’d had a new girlfriend every week. Sometimes more than one at a time. I had run with a bad crowd. Nathan’s crowd. Mum thought he was her angel, while I was the delinquent. Truth was, we were both doing that shit, and he was worse than I was. He was just better at not getting caught. With the gang, I was Nathan’s Little Brother, but I had no problem getting laid. Or maybe being Nathan’s Little Brother helped. Besides, the girls liked me because I gave them drugs. Nathan sold the stuff. Mum didn’t really know anything about him. She didn’t even know he was gay. In spite of it all, he still managed to get decent marks at school, while I lagged behind in everything. He was so clever, and somehow, he managed to keep it all from her, or maybe she just didn’t want to see.

I hadn’t had sex in a long time. It was almost enough to make me hit on one of the girls at Greystone. Almost, but not quite, thank fuck.

#

I had therapy that afternoon. Not group, thankfully. I hated group. Just one on one with Dr. Batey.

‘So how are you feeling?’ she asked.

I shrugged. ‘Okay, I guess. Be better if I weren’t locked up here.’

‘This isn’t a prison, Jake.’

‘Sure feels like it sometimes.’

She pursed her lips. ‘I hear you’ve been skipping out on lessons. Wanna tell me where you go?’

‘South-East stairwell, by the door to the attic,’ I said truthfully. ‘I smoke out the window there. No cameras.’ She wouldn’t tell anyone. Doctor-patient confidentiality and all. Without it, they’d never get any of us to tell them anything.

‘Cigarettes?’

I nodded. ‘Yeah, just cigarettes. What, you people don’t honestly think no one manages to sneak fags in here, do you?’

‘No, we know you do. Not entirely sure how, though.’

‘Well, I’m not telling you. You take away my fags, you take away my will to fucking live.’

She smiled wanly. ‘Can’t have that. I suppose we should be grateful it’s not pot.’

I had quit everything else, not entirely of my own free will. They’d had me in detox for the first week. Withdrawal was hell. I’d never been so sick in my life. Cigarettes were all I had left. Same with other kids who’d been on drugs. I smoked a lot more now than I ever had before, but maybe that was an improvement upon being a drug addict and barely functioning alcoholic at sixteen. Less chance of an overdose, greater chance of cancer.

‘How are you sleeping?’ she asked.

‘Fine.’ A lie.

‘You don’t look it.’

‘I sleep fine,’ I repeated. ‘Alex snores sometimes.’ Big lie. ‘Wakes me up. Sleep like a baby, otherwise.’

‘We can get you something to help you sleep,’ she said. ‘Melatonin, perhaps.’

I laughed. ‘You think melatonin will work on me after all the sedatives I used to take?’

‘That’s why I won’t prescribe you anything stronger.’ She shrugged.

‘Xanax?’ I tried, and she actually laughed out loud, shaking her head. Dr. Batey was all right, really. She wasn’t uptight about stuff, didn’t judge me, and was brutally honest. That suited me. I couldn’t stand being coddled. I hated platitudes.

Nathan’s funeral had been a nightmare, everyone feeling so sorry for me, telling me, ‘He’s in a better place.’ What, the cold, dark earth? There’s no life after death. There’s cold and silence and maggots eating your flesh. That’s it. Nathan wasn’t anywhere. He was just gone.

Thinking about it made my chest ache and I tried to focus my mind on other things. Dr. Batey could always tell when my mind wandered, though. ‘Where did you go, Jake?’

‘Nowhere.’

‘What were you thinking about?’

I scoffed. ‘How fucking horny I am.’ I was, especially after the conversation I’d had that morning. I was dying for, just, something other than my right hand. The touch of another human being.

‘You miss being intimate?’

‘I don’t want intimacy. I just wanna fuck.’

She quirked an eyebrow. ‘Well, you know the rules.’

I laughed. ‘Like I’d ever break that rule. Like I told the lads this morning, everyone here’s crazy. Never put your dick in crazy.’ As if I hadn’t done that before.

‘Not sure I would have put it quite like that,’ said Dr. Batey, ‘but that’s solid thinking. I think you’ll want to keep it that way.’

#

I slept shit that night as well, and the night after. I’d been okay for a while, but for some reason, the nightmares had been returning in full force lately and worse than ever. A few nights later I woke up from a particularly awful one. I could barely breathe, I was shaking so badly. I thought I might be sick, but I wasn’t. I sat up, pulling my knees up to my chest, and cried. There was no point in trying to hold it in, but I tried to be quiet, hing that Alex was asleep.

He wasn’t.

‘Hey,’ he said softly. I heard him climb out of his bed, and then he was sitting next to me, putting an arm around my shoulder. ‘Shh, it’s okay. You’re all right, just breathe.’ His presence was calming. My shaking subsided, but I still sobbed. Finally, I looked up and met his gaze.

‘What’s going on, Jake?’ he asked. ‘You’ve been having these nightmares pretty much every night this week. You look knackered.’

Up close like this, his eyes were so intense. The blackness of his left eye just seemed to pierce me. Like he could see everything I was thinking and feeling. Five hundred years ago people would have thought that eye could see the future. I tried to rein in my thoughts, and I looked away.

‘Jake,’ he said quietly. ‘Mate. Look at me.’

I shook my head. ‘You’re freaking me out, Alex. Please, just . . . go back to bed.’

‘Not until you talk to me! Just tell me what’s going on with you. Please. So I can help.’

‘What, like you ever tell me what’s going on with you? You never fucking sleep! What is that, even? This is none of your fucking business, all right? You want me to tell you my fucking dreams? You’re not my bloody shrink!’

‘Oh, and you tell your shrink, do you?’ he shot back. ‘We’ve been roommates since you got here, I know you pretty fucking well by now, and you never tell anyone anything. Not about whatever this is.’

I remained silent. He wasn’t wrong. Alex sighed, and some of the fight seemed to go out of him. ‘Jake, you . . . I just wanna help you, okay?’

‘Yeah,’ I said softly. ‘I get that. But you can’t.’

‘Maybe . . .’ He faltered, for once seeming like he didn’t know what to say. ‘If you won’t talk to me, maybe I can help you some other way.’

His hand found mine in the semi-darkness, and my instinct was to pull away, but his fingers were already entwined with mine and that actually felt really nice. It felt . . . right, somehow. But it wasn’t, I knew it wasn’t. ‘Alex,’ I said hesitantly. ‘Dude. I’m straight. You know that.’

‘You sure? You never know till you’ve tried, right?’ And before I knew it, his lips were pressed against mine. It was a chaste kiss, undemanding and comforting, and in the end, I was probably the one who parted my lips and slid my tongue inside his mouth. He leaned into it, arms encircling me. He was so warm.

‘Thought you said you weren’t gonna try anything,’ I said, pulling away a bit.

Alex smiled and whispered, ‘I lied.’

He asked for nothing in return. As we kissed, he slowly removed my pyjamas and lowered me onto the bed. The window was slightly ajar, as far as those windows could be opened without giving anyone the opportunity to climb out or jump to their death, and the cool night air gave me chills, intensifying every sensation. I arched my back, couldn’t help it, as he left a trail of kisses down my chest and my stomach, before taking my dick into his mouth. I almost cried out, but his hand covered my mouth and all that came out was a muffled grunt. Alex felt different, somehow. His mouth was so hot, and he was good at this, much better than any of the girls I’d been with. I couldn’t hold out for long, pulled his hand away from my mouth long enough to whisper, ‘Fuck . . . I’m gonna come!’

He didn’t stop. He clamped his hand over my mouth again, and my eyes rolled back as I came in his mouth. Then he crawled back up the bed and lay down next to me, pulling the duvet over us both. He propped himself up on his elbow and just looked at me with those eerie eyes. I glanced back at him awkwardly. ‘Should I—?’ I began, but he shook his head.

‘No, it’s okay. Just let me look at you for a bit.’

I must have fallen asleep shortly after that. When I awoke the following morning, Alex was in his own bed, and for all of ten seconds I thought it had been just a dream, until I realised that I was naked.

#

Every night after that, he came into my bed. Most nights he just held me until I fell asleep. Other nights, though, sleep would not come so easily to me and he would kiss me and stroke my hair, maybe get me off. And then, some nights, he would go down on me and I would bite my knuckles or the pillow, or him, to stop myself from making too much noise and alerting the staff or waking anyone else. He never let me reciprocate. I wasn’t sure I could have done it anyway.

I was still straight. The room was dark, he was a warm body. That was all it was. That’s what I told myself.

The days were better. I slept well with him there, better than I cared to admit, and I felt more rested when I woke up. In the daytime, we were as we had been. Friends. Best friends. Things didn’t feel awkward in the daylight, because he was always back in his own bed by morning. What happened in the night stayed in the night.

Friday night a couple of weeks later, Alex lay with his arms wrapped around me, his lips pressed to my temple. He held my hand. It was one of those nights where sleep would not find me.

‘Alex?’ I whispered.

‘Can’t sleep?’

I shook my head. Alex caressed my cheek with the backs of his fingers. He always touched me so sweetly. Gently, like a lover. Sometimes I hated it, because we weren’t lovers.

He sighed. ‘Jake.’ His lips brushed my ear, his breath tickling me. ‘I . . . You mean so much to me. I hope you know that.’

‘Alex . . . please.’ I licked my lips.

‘I have feelings for you,’ he whispered and sucked my earlobe into his mouth. I shivered.

‘Please don’t say that.’

‘But it’s true.’

I grabbed a fistful of his hair and pulled him away from my ear, because I just couldn’t listen to that. He whimpered softly, and I felt like a dick and let go. ‘I’m sorry. Just . . . Just do it?’

‘Why?’

‘Why what?’

‘Why should I do it? Tell me.’

I paused. ‘Fine. Then fucking don’t. See if I care . . .’

‘Of course you care,’ said Alex, smiling. ‘I’ll do whatever you want me to, Jake. Just tell me you need me.’

‘I . . .’ I looked away, frowning. I didn’t want to say that. I didn’t want to need him. But I did. I knew that if he wasn’t there, I wouldn’t be able to sleep. In the past couple of weeks, I’d grown to rely on him. His arms, his hands, his lips, his hot mouth. I returned my gaze to his. In the dark, his eyes were all I could see, and I wondered when those eyes had started to make me feel this way. ‘I need it,’ I tried. I saw him raise one eyebrow. ‘I need you,’ I whispered.

‘Yes.’ His voice was barely above a whisper. ‘What would you like me to do?’

‘Anything.’ I closed my eyes for a moment, trying to clear my head.

‘No. Tell me what to do, Jake.’

I took a deep breath before opening my eyes to look at him again. ‘Suck me off,’ I said in a hoarse whisper. ‘Please.’

Alex kissed my chin and then bit into my neck as he slid my pants down over my knees. I was already hard. I had been from the moment he first said my name. Ready for use, no assembly required.

His touch was so light, but his lips were insistent as he worked his way down my body. By the time he finally touched it, my dick was already leaking. Then he took me into his mouth, and my whole body shivered with a sensation that was by now at once familiar and comforting, but still strange as well. I had to clench my jaw to keep from crying out.

When his fingers, slick with saliva, prodded at my arse, I had to bite my fist. He had never done that before, and his touch sent a shiver up my spine, making my knees quiver. I almost whimpered, my breaths coming in shallow, ragged pulls. I tangled my free hand in his mop of dark hair as I came harder than ever.

I wished it could have gone on forever, though of course, it couldn’t. It was intense, I could barely breathe, and soon I did whimper because the feel of his tongue was just too much. A moment later, he was pulling my pants back on me, stroking every bit of skin he could reach gently, soothingly. Then he lay down behind me and held me close. I didn’t realise until just then that I was crying. A sob rattled my body and Alex held me tighter.

‘You okay?’ He kissed the nape of my neck.

I sniffed. ‘No . . .’

He kissed my shoulder gently. He was hard; I could feel it against my arse, through the layers of fabric. I closed my eyes and shivered.

‘You have to stop doing this, mate,’ I mumbled helplessly.

‘Doing what?’ Alex replied and kissed my neck again. ‘You seem an awful lot like you enjoy it.’

‘I . . .’ I hesitated, swallowed. ‘I do,’ I whispered at last. ‘I do enjoy it and I want it so badly it hurts. Want . . . want you.’ Admitting it terrified me. ‘But this isn’t really me, I’m not—’

‘Not gay?’ he finished for me. ‘I know. Doesn’t mean you can’t let me comfort you.’

‘I’m using you, dude.’

‘I’m fine with that. Guess I’m using you too, really.’

‘But you don’t get anything out of this,’ I said. ‘You never even let me fucking touch you.’

‘Hm . . . Not all our needs are physical, Jake. I . . . I like being close to you. If I can be, then that’s fine. That’s enough.’ He stroked my hair. Then he shifted a little and I felt his hard-on move against me.

I swallowed again. ‘Your . . . your body doesn’t seem to agree with that.’

‘It’s fine,’ he repeated. ‘I’ll deal with it later. Try to sleep now.’

‘It’s not fine,’ I said. ‘It’s not fine at all.’ I drew a deep breath and lifted my arm slowly. Reaching back, I let it fall to rest on his hip, so I was touching the skin just above the waistband of his boxer-briefs. He started at the touch, and I felt his heartbeat quicken against my back.

He took my hand and lifted it to his face instead. I caressed his cheek with the backs of my fingers, and he leaned into the touch, obviously craving it far more than he had been willing to admit. He kissed my palm.

Turning my head slightly, I found his lips in the dark. He kissed me like he was trying to take my pain from me. When the kiss ended he murmured, ‘What should I do?’

I closed my eyes for a moment. Then I opened them again and, turning my head a bit more, gazed into his. I felt like I could drown in them and, hesitantly, brushed his fringe away from his forehead with my fingers. ‘Whatever you like,’ I whispered. ‘You can do anything you want. Right now, I’m . . . You can have me.’

He kissed me again, fiercely, passionately. Meanwhile, his hands wandered to the waistband of my pants, pulling them down again. He broke lip contact for a moment. ‘Are you sure about this?’

‘Yes,’ I breathed. I had never been more sure of anything in my life, and that scared the hell out of me, but it also thrilled me and I swallowed my fear.

‘You have to let me know if you change your mind,’ he said. ‘Tell me to stop and I’ll stop.’

‘I won’t,’ I said.

‘I mean it!’ His tone was urgent. ‘You have to promise to tell me if you don’t like it.’

I licked my lips. ‘All right. I promise.’

He nodded. ‘Stay here.’ He got out of bed and I felt so cold all of a sudden, without his warm presence against my back. When he returned, he had a small bottle with him.

‘Is that—?’ I swallowed. ‘Dude, why do you even have lube here?’

Alex laughed softly. ‘It’s not. It’s hand lotion. But it’ll do in a pinch. Now, relax.’

I had come with his fingers in my arse less than five minutes earlier. I was as relaxed as I could ever be and his fingers slipped inside me again with relative ease. He bit into my shoulder, caressing my chest. I gasped and threw my head back. I had to clench my teeth to stop myself from crying out. ‘Yeah, that’s it,’ he whispered in my ear.

And then . . . Then he was entering me, going slowly, oh so slowly. He put his clean hand over my mouth to keep me quiet, but as he began to move it was impossible to remain absolutely silent. I could feel his hot breath on my neck and in my ear. And I could feel him, deep inside, touching something that had never before been touched. At first it felt strange, but then it started to feel really good. I had never felt anything more intensely, and it brought tears to my eyes again. I told myself it was because it hurt a little.

‘God, you feel good,’ Alex murmured.

I moved my head to the side, away from the hand over my mouth. ‘Alex . . . Kiss me!’

He did. As his tongue entered my mouth, the feeling grew within me, starting deep in my abdomen and spreading through my body like wildfire. I wasn’t hard, but I felt so good, my whole body quivering with it, this new sensation. He swallowed my groans, and I swallowed his, because he couldn’t seem to stay quiet either. I reached back, grasped the back of his neck, holding him in place so he would never stop kissing me. My whole body shook.

‘Fuck . . . I’m gonna come!’ he groaned against my lips.

‘Then—fuck—then come,’ I managed, and he did. I was getting hard again, and as the last wave shook him he took me in his hand and got me off. It didn’t take long before I came again, glad his lips were still on mine, or I really would have called out his name.

When I woke up the next morning, I felt like he was still in me. He wasn’t, but he was still in my bed, fast asleep. Last night’s activities must have worn him out as well. I had never seen him sleep so soundly. His arm was draped over my chest. He looked cold, though, half his body exposed as I had clearly hogged the duvet in the night, and I tried to shift it to cover him better.

He stirred when I moved, opening his eyes sleepily. He smiled when he saw me awake. ‘Good morning,’ he murmured and moved to kiss me. I turned my face away. In daylight, it was so much harder to face what had happened between us. Much more difficult to accept it. His lips touched my cheek instead.

‘Morning.’ I felt around under the duvet for my underwear, but they must have fallen to the floor during the night. The sheets were crusted with cum and I had a fierce need to piss, but I felt very uncomfortable with the idea of getting out from under the covers. I didn’t want him to see me naked in broad daylight.

‘Sleep okay?’ he asked.

‘I suppose,’ I replied, giving up my search for my pants and relaxing back into the pillow. Alex’s arm was still draped across my chest, his skin warm against mine, despite having slept partially exposed. I briefly regretted having turned away from his lips.

‘I’m sorry,’ said Alex after a little while, breaking the awkward silence that had fallen between us.

‘About what?’ I turned my face to look at him again. His expression was slightly pained.

‘About pushing you,’ he said.

‘You . . . You didn’t push me, mate, I asked you to,’ I said, feeling my face heat up, and I had to look away again.

‘No, I know that. Not talking about last night, just . . . in general.’

I took a deep breath, closing my eyes. ‘In a way, I’m glad you did. Push me, I mean. In the beginning. It . . . it feels good to let go. When I’m with you I can just be, you know?’ I knew I was blushing. Saying all this felt strange and scary. ‘I can forget about everything. Just lose control. It’s not something I’ve done too much, you know? Mostly I just . . . I try to take charge, to have some kind of control over my life. But I don’t have to do that with you. I trust you, dude.’

I glanced over at him uncertainly and found him smiling at me. ‘That’s sweet. And fairly deep.’ He grinned. ‘When did you gain such remarkable self-insight?’

I nudged him with my elbow. ‘Sod off!’ But I smiled just the same. Then I sighed and stared up at the ceiling. ‘But, Alex . . .’

‘Hm?’

‘This isn’t love.’

‘I know it isn’t,’ he said, a little sadly.

‘No, I don’t think you do,’ I said, turning to face him, propping my head up with my hand. ‘You’re right, this happened ’cause you pushed me, and that’s okay, but I’m not . . . I don’t have those kinds of feelings for you. I need you to understand that. You’re my friend. I trust you. I like you, but not in the way you like me and the things we do . . .’ I felt absolutely rotten as I said, ‘You were there. It was convenient. You pushed me at the right moment and things clicked. But this can never be anything more than that.’

Alex was still smiling and his eyes were, as ever, unreadable.

‘Do you understand?’ I pressed.

‘Yes,’ he said. ‘I understand.’

‘Okay. Good.’ I sighed and sat up. After everything we’d done, feeling embarrassed about him seeing me naked was pointless, really, and I climbed over him and got out of bed. I located my pants on the floor at the foot of the bed but realised as I did that the crack of my arse was covered in dried cum. ‘Oh, fuck!’

‘What?’

‘You went in raw. Is that safe?’

Alex laughed. ‘I know I’m clean, and I’ve been swallowing your cum for like two weeks now. I think it’s a bit late to worry about STIs, don’t you?’

His laughter relaxed me, and I uttered a breathless laugh of my own. ‘I suppose so. Pretty sure I’m clean, too. I was last I checked.’ I glanced at him. He was staring at me. ‘What?’

‘Love your arse,’ he said with a smirk, and I blushed again. I grabbed my towel off the hook and wrapped it around my waist.

‘I’m gonna take a shower.’

#

Saturdays were good days. No lessons, no therapy, just time off to do whatever we liked, within reason. Saturdays were also bad days, because they reminded me so much of my old life. I used to party all weekend. I’d get home in the middle of the night utterly wasted, drunk or high or both. Mum would shout at me, but she never really made any rules for me to follow either. I didn’t have a curfew. Instead, she’d just wait up and try to guilt me when I got home, which obviously didn’t work because what teenager cares that his mother worries if there are no consequences? I was never punished for anything I did, only berated.

I’d hang out with Nathan’s crowd, in parks and abandoned buildings. We’d have warehouse raves and Nathan could sell all the pills and party drugs he could get hold of. Then he and Rory would find a place to go fuck, and I would find some willing girl and do the same. Sometimes we’d meet up after that and go home together. Usually, I’d go home by myself and Nathan would stay the night elsewhere. Not always with Rory. He’d tell Mum he was sleeping over at a mate’s house. On the rare occasions when he did come home, he would charm her and placate her. He was very good at acting sober.

The night Rory dumped him was hell. Nathan had disappeared early, around ten, which wasn’t like him at all, and I had gone to try and find him. I did in the end, outside. He was sitting under a tree with his knees pulled up to his chest, dead to the world. I had no idea what he’d taken, but it had numbed him pretty well.

‘Nathan?’ I shook him. ‘Nathan. Come on, mate, you’ll freeze out here. Where’s Rory?’

Nathan blinked slowly. ‘Gone.’

‘What do you mean, “gone”?’

‘He left me. It’s . . . it’s fine. Whatever. Good riddance.’

I frowned. ‘I thought you loved Rory.’

‘Yeah, well, clearly he didn’t . . . love me. Went . . . went off with some . . . bimbo. Some girl like what the fuck? Fuck him. Fuck both of them.’

I grabbed his arm, tried to haul him to his feet, but he was bigger than I was, two years older, and he wasn’t helping at all. ‘Come on, bro, let’s go home, okay?’

‘Nah. Gonna . . . gonna find someone to fuck.’

I snorted. ‘Like you’re even gonna be able to get it up in this state. Now come on.’

He finally stood up unsteadily and squinted at me. ‘You’ll do.’ Then he kissed me. I was so shocked I just stood there for a moment, before I came to my senses and pushed him away. He stumbled and almost fell to the ground again.

‘What the fuck?! I’m your fucking brother!’

It was like his eyes cleared at that. They widened, and he stared at me. ‘Shit . . . Fuck, Jake, I’m sorry!’

‘Don’t give me sorry, you cunt,’ I grumbled. ‘I’m taking you home.’

‘Okay,’ he said meekly, and he let me drag him off by the arm. I stole a car. Dumped it a ways up the road from our house and half carried him along. When we got there I put him to bed. Mum had fallen asleep in front of the TV, which was a small blessing. She shouldn’t have to witness her angel in that state. About half an hour later I heard him pad off to the toilet to vomit. Better out than in.

It had been harder to trust him after that.

‘Oi! Jake, anybody home?’

I blinked and stared at Dav. I tried to shake my thoughts from my head. Not what I wanted to think about. Certainly not while I was playing basketball with Dav and a few other guys. It was a warm, sunny day, despite it being late October. We weren’t really keeping score, though, just playing for fun.

‘Shit, sorry.’ I grinned. ‘In my own world there.’

Dav passed me the ball. ‘No worries, mate.’

We played for a while, and I got sweaty enough that I pulled off my t-shirt. It wasn’t quite warm enough for that, but whatever. If I caught a cold, all the better; I’d get to stay in bed for a few days. A break would be nice.

‘Hey, mate,’ said Dav while I wiped my sweaty face on my t-shirt. ‘Is it just me, or is Alex checking out your arse even more than usual today?’

I frowned. ‘What do you mean, “more than usual”?’

Dav laughed. ‘Christ, you really are dumb as fuck, aren’t you? Jake, he checks you out all the time. In fact,’ he looked past me and gave a wave; I glanced over my shoulder and saw Alex, who was sitting at one of the picnic tables with Nigel and a couple of girls, wave back, ‘right now, he’s practically fucking you with his eyes, since your shirt is off.’ I quickly put my t-shirt back on and Dav laughed. ‘You should take it as a compliment, man.’

I blushed. I knew perfectly well why he was staring. After what we’d done last night . . . I licked my lips. ‘I’m tired,’ I said. ‘Gonna go grab a shower, get this sweat off me.’

‘Bet Alex would like to join you.’

‘Piss off,’ I said. There was nothing between Alex and me, not in broad daylight, anyway, and I would swear to it with my dying breath.

#

I sat in bed reading a book when Alex came in. ‘Hey,’ he said with a smile and went over to his bed. He undressed down to his underwear and then he came over and sat on the edge of my bed. ‘Scoot.’

I bit my lip and looked away. ‘Yeah, maybe not tonight, eh?’

‘Oh.’ Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him run his fingers through his black hair. ‘Is . . . is this ’cause of last night?’

‘Nah, mate,’ I said, then realised it was a lie. I didn’t want to lie to him. ‘I mean, yeah. But it’s not your fault, I just . . . I need some time, okay? I just need to think.’ I met his eyes again and immediately got lost in the black. If he’d pushed, I’d have dragged him into bed myself and probably sucked him off or something, because I fucking wanted him so much it hurt.

But he just nodded. ‘Okay.’ He leaned in close and kissed my forehead, and then he stood and went over to his own bed. ‘G’night, Jake.’

‘Yeah. Night.’ I laid the book face down on my nightstand and put out the light.

As I lay there, part of me desperately wanted to get Alex back in my bed, but I was too afraid. Too scared of what I was feeling. I wasn’t in love with him but there was . . . something there. The previous night had shown me that, as much as I’d tried to convince both him and myself otherwise.

I fell asleep eventually, but I didn’t stay that way for long. Now that I was sleeping alone, the dreams came back in full force. The garden. The knife. His hand. And then one step further, Nathan’s wrists, slit, blood flowing onto the grass, black in the cold pre-dawn light, and then his face.

I woke up wanting to scream, but I couldn’t make a sound, and for a good half minute I lay paralysed, staring up at the ceiling, and there was Nathan’s face, coming out of the plaster, staring down at me with cold, dead eyes, before it vanished and I could move. I sobbed, leaned over the edge of the bed, and threw up on the floor.

Alex was there seconds later. ‘Jake. Are you okay?’

‘No . . .’ I croaked and spat. ‘Shit . . .’

‘Stay here,’ he said. ‘I’ll clean this up, just stay.’

I managed to lie back in bed. My mouth tasted like death, and the smell of sick invaded my nostrils. Alex returned not long after, with a bucket and mop, and a big wad of paper towels. He started with those, and then used the mop. ‘Fucking idiot,’ he muttered angrily. ‘Would never have happened if you’d just let me get in with you . . .’

It was strange, seeing him angry. He was otherwise so hard to read. Still, he was probably right. At the same time, though, the nightmare had given me another piece of the puzzle. Just the one, but it was still a memory. I already knew Nathan’s wrists had been slit, of course. It was the knife wound in his chest that had set the investigation off, that had made Mum think I’d killed him. And then that face . . . Did it mean he’d already been dead when I found him? He’d made a sound, though. There was still something missing.

I shook my head, tried to clear it, or I thought I might be sick again, all Alex’s work undone.

When the floor was clean, Alex dragged me out of bed and led me over to the sink so I could brush my teeth. It was a relief to get the taste of vomit out of my mouth. Then he put me back to bed and crawled in with me, holding me in his arms. ‘Idiot,’ he said again, without anger this time, kissing the top of my head. ‘Go to sleep.’

#

After that, we went on sleeping together every night. Just sleeping. I wasn’t sure whether I was disappointed or relieved that we didn’t do more. What was more worrying, though, was that Alex’s normally cheerful demeanour seemed to have taken a downturn. He seemed much less genuine than normal, even more closed off. One night a week later, I even tried to initiate sex. I kissed him, and he kissed me back for a little while, but when my hands began to wander he pulled away.

‘I’m sorry,’ he murmured. ‘I just . . . can’t.’

I licked my lips. ‘Have . . . have I done something wrong? Is it ’cause I didn’t want—?’

‘No!’ he said quickly. ‘No. Not at all. It’s . . . it’s nothing to do with you. I just . . . Bit down, is all.’

‘Okay. But . . . I mean, could I make you feel better? If I . . . we . . .’ I made a sound of frustration. ‘Sorry.’

‘Don’t apologise.’ I could just see Alex’s sad smile in the darkness. ‘Thank you for worrying about me. That makes me feel a bit better.’ He kissed me softly.

‘No worries,’ I said. ‘If . . . if you want to talk, you know, about anything . . . I’m here for you, dude.’

‘Thanks,’ he whispered. ‘That . . . that means a lot.’

I brushed his fringe away from his black eye and pressed my lips to his cheekbone, right underneath. It was far more tender and intimate a gesture than I had managed to perform before. He took my hand and sighed, and I tasted salt.

#

‘So what’s going on with Alex?’ asked Nigel. I was walking him back to his and Dav’s room. It was Sunday evening. ‘Dav says he looks sad. He sounds it, too . . . Talking to him has been different lately.’

I sighed. ‘I don’t know, man. He won’t talk to me. I mean we haven’t been—’ I cut myself off. ‘Things have been pretty normal, but he’s kind of down, yeah. I think he’s depressed.’

Nigel nodded. ‘Wouldn’t be the first time. He was fairly depressive before you got here.’

I frowned. ‘Really?’

Nigel nodded. ‘He hardly ever talked to us. He was just kind of blank. He got here about a month after me, so, like, three months before you. He shared a room with Jared. Jared asked to be moved ’cause he couldn’t stand how much of a downer Alex was. Also the gay thing. And then you came and it was like he just . . . woke up.’

I bit my lip. ‘That’s . . . So you mean—?’

‘Mate, even I can see that he’s in love with you, and I’m fucking blind.’ Nigel gave me a half smile. ‘I don’t suppose anything’s . . . changed between you two?’ I was glad Nigel couldn’t see me blush, but my silence seemed all the confirmation he needed. ‘You guys are fucking, aren’t you?’

‘It’s . . . it’s complicated,’ I mumbled.

‘No, I get that. I mean, you’re pretty much straight, right? Must be a lot for you to deal with.’

I bumped his shoulder gently with mine. ‘When’d you become Mr. Insightful?’

He laughed. ‘Well, I guess I need to have some kind of sight, somewhere.’ Then he grew more serious again. ‘I won’t tell anyone. What you get up to is your business.’

‘He says it’s not my fault,’ I said. ‘But I can’t quite help thinking it is anyway, you know?’ Nigel seemed to consider for a moment. We came up on his and Dav’s bedroom and I stopped. ‘We’re here.’

‘You know,’ he said, ‘like you’ve said before, everyone here’s nutters in one way or another. We all have our own shit to deal with. Alex does too. He just has to work through it. What you can do is be there waiting for him when he comes out the other side.’

I smiled. ‘Yeah. You’re right.’ I put Nigel’s hand on the door handle. ‘I’ll see you around, mate.’

Hands in my pockets, I went to mine and Alex’s room. I hesitated outside the door, wondering if he’d be in there. Nigel had given me a lot to think about. I opened the door.

Alex was lying on his bed, fast asleep. That was unusual. I had never seen him asleep this early before, and he was fully clothed. ‘Alex?’ No reply. I stepped over to the bed. He lay very still, and I reached out to brush his hair away from his face. No reaction. His lips looked slightly blue and his breathing was shallow. Then I noticed the hand hanging off the side of the bed. There was something clutched in it.

It was a pill bottle. Codeine. It was nearly empty. ‘Fuck.’ I shook him. ‘Alex? Fuck!’ I grabbed his arm, tried to get him to stand. A slight mumble escaped his lips, no words, but at least it was a sound. That was good. I grabbed him under the armpits and pulled him out of bed, half carrying and half dragging him to the door. Once I was out in the corridor I called, ‘Help! Someone!’

Dav walked out of the shower room a bit down the corridor, towel ’round his waist. ‘What’s going on, dude?’

‘Alex is fucking OD-ing is what! Go! Get someone!’ I dragged Alex across the hall and into a toilet. Leaving the door open so they could find us, I sat him up, held his head over the toilet bowl, and stuck two fingers down his throat. His gag reflex was working. That was good, too. I wasn’t sure how much good it would do, but I was relieved when his body convulsed and he vomited. ‘You bastard!’ I sobbed. ‘You fucking bastard . . .’

Quick footsteps came down the hall. One of the reception staff. ‘Codeine,’ I told her. It was all I could manage to say. Everything happened very quickly after that. The ambulance showed up. They wouldn’t let me go with. I remained on the bathroom floor. Flushed the toilet. I felt cold, but I was sweating too.

I closed my eyes and I saw Alex. And then I saw Nathan. He saw me, looked up at me, lifted the knife.

A voice. ‘Jake.’ It wasn’t Alex, or Nathan. Didn’t matter, then. ‘Jake, look at me!’ Reluctantly, I glanced up at Dav. ‘Come on, get up, mate.’ He offered me his hand. I blinked for a few minutes, then I took it and let him pull me to my feet. ‘Come on,’ he said again, his voice soft. ‘Let’s go.’

When I was standing I threw my arms around his neck, holding onto his broad, solid shoulders. I had to hold onto something. ‘Fuck . . . Fuck him . . .’

‘Yeah.’ He hugged me back. Dav wasn’t really the hugging type. Neither was I. Not usually.

‘Fucking arsehole . . .’

‘Yeah,’ said Dav again. ‘Come on. Sleep in mine and Nigel’s room tonight.’

I nodded. There was no way I could sleep in my own bed, in that room, without Alex there to hold me.

#

They told us he was going to be okay. They said he’d somehow managed to sneak into the medicine storage and got the pills from there. They told me I’d done well. That I’d acted quickly and correctly and that I might very well have saved his life. It was cold comfort when all I wanted was to see him. I was glad he wasn’t dead, though.

He came back Tuesday night. I knew he was coming. They’d told me. I had seen Dr. Batey earlier in the day. She had tried to get me to talk about it, but I just couldn’t. I’d been sleeping—not very well—on a mattress in Dav and Nigel’s room for the past two nights, but now I sat in our room, on my bed, waiting for him.

He simply stood in the doorway for a moment, staring at me. He looked pale, even paler than usual. Sickly. Worn. We looked at each other for what felt like forever. Then he took a step inside, closing the door behind him. At almost the exact same moment, I stood up, reached him in three long strides, and pushed him up against the door, my fists grasping the front of his black hoodie.

‘Fuck you!’ I hissed. ‘Don’t you ever—! Just, fuck you, Alex . . .’ Then I kissed him, because I didn’t know what else I could do with all these feelings and otherwise I thought I might punch him in the face. He kissed me back, hard, putting his arms around me and holding me close.

‘I’m sorry,’ he said softly. ‘I’m really sorry.’

‘You’re a cunt,’ I mumbled into his shoulder. ‘You’re a fucking arsehole and I . . . Fuck . . .’ The tears came, hot and angry and filled with relief at seeing him again.

He hugged me tightly. ‘I know. I know, Jake. I’m sorry.’

We sat down side by side on my bed, backs against the wall and feet pulled up. I held his hand. It was warm in mine, a comforting reminder that he was alive.

‘My dad beat me and my mum,’ said Alex. ‘Like, badly. It’s why my eye is like this. He punched me in the face. A lot. Why my nose is a little crooked, too. Mum stayed with him. She wouldn’t admit that she was being beaten, not even to me even though I saw it every day. After he found out I was gay, I ran away. Got picked up by police. Social services got involved. You know the rest.’ He sighed. ‘Anyway, last week my mum called. She shouted at me. Told me to stop saying that my dad’s an abusive cunt. Even though he is. I can’t remember him ever not beating me.’

I squeezed his hand. ‘I’m sorry.’

‘That’s why I was depressed. And yeah, maybe you rejecting me like that didn’t exactly help, but it really wasn’t your fault. It just, everything hurt so badly. And I thought, if she’s gonna hate me for the rest of her life, if he’s gonna continue being what he is, if nothing is ever gonna change, maybe it’d be better if I just went away. I nicked the pills ages ago. I get headaches sometimes. I’d take one occasionally. Helped me sleep. This was before we . . . Didn’t really need them while we slept together. But I thought, there are worse ways to go than opioids.’ He gave me a sidelong glance. ‘I’m glad you found me, though. I . . . I really am glad. It was stupid. I was a dickhead. Bought a one-way ticket to hell, and you made sure I missed the train. I’m grateful. I’m just sorry you had to . . .’

‘Yeah.’ I licked my lips. ‘My brother, Nathan, he killed himself.’

His eyes widened. ‘Shit! I’m so sorry.’

‘My mum thinks I killed him. For the longest time, I worried that maybe I did, ’cause I just couldn’t remember. I remember now. Nathan and I, we were close. He was two years older than me and he . . . well, he did some bad shit. Drug dealing, theft . . . And when I was about twelve I started hanging out with him and his crowd. He was pretty high up on the food chain already then, so it was easy for me to slide in and become part of things.

‘I started drinking and smoking, and then I started using. I wasn’t lying, I was twelve the first time I had sex. She was thirteen. I don’t even remember her name. I shoplifted. Came home wasted. I was always the one who got caught. Nathan never did. He was Mum’s perfect angel. I was the disappointment, and as I grew older I did more drugs, stole bigger things. Then, back in February, Nathan’s boyfriend dumped him for some girl. He lost his shit. Got depressed. Did lots of drugs. He even started doing heroin.

‘And then one night I woke up, and he wasn’t in his room. I went out into the garden and I found him.’ Tears began streaming down my face. ‘That’s as far as my memories, my nightmares, went. But I remember now. He’d slit his wrists with a kitchen knife. He was bleeding out, but still awake when I found him. He looked up at me and he said, “Don’t save me.” Then he stabbed himself in the chest.’

Alex put his arms around me and held me tightly. I wasn’t crying, not really. There were tears, but I wasn’t sobbing or anything. It felt good, though, being held, and I slid my arms around him, too. I listened to his steady breathing. I could feel his pulse where my temple was pressed to his neck. He was warm, solid, alive.

‘I tried to get the knife out,’ I continued after a minute. ‘Not sure why, it’s not like I could have saved him. I pulled it out and there was just so much blood, and then I think I passed out. They found us the next morning. It was ruled a suicide in the end, even though I was holding the knife, but Mum didn’t believe them. She’s so sure I killed him. Guess she can’t live with the idea that he could have done that to himself.’

‘And here I let you—’ Alex swallowed. ‘You had to go through that whole thing all over again. Didn’t you?’

‘Yeah, but . . . It helped me remember.’

‘Silver lining?’

I laughed, in spite of myself. ‘Yeah. Silver lining.’ I pulled back, tucked some of Alex’s fringe behind his ear. Then we kissed, slowly and for a long time. I sighed. ‘I’m sorry.’

‘What do you have to be sorry about?’

‘Well, I’ve been kind of a dick. Actually, I’ve been a huge twat. Like, epically stupid. I told myself that I didn’t have feelings for you. You know, that kind of feelings. But . . . I do.’ I met his gaze, stared into his mismatched eyes until I was lost in them. ‘Guess I’m not as straight as I thought I was. Or maybe it’s just you.’

Alex pressed his lips against mine in an open-mouthed but chaste kiss. It didn’t stay chaste for long, though, when I slid my tongue inside his mouth, and then he had me on my back, and we were undressing each other, and he sucked my dick and I sucked his. I was probably shit at it, but he didn’t seem to mind. I never thought he’d taste so good, and I breathed in the musky scent of him, burying my nose in his dark pubes. Outside our door, which didn’t lock, of course, people were still awake, going about their evenings, getting ready for bed. Talking, making jokes. It didn’t matter, even if they could hear us. We could have been going at it in the middle of the basketball court in broad daylight for all I cared.

After we’d both come, we continued making out until we were both hard again and Alex said, ‘Will you fuck me?’

I nodded, and I did. Only it wasn’t quite like fucking. Or, not only fucking. It was . . . more. He lay on his back, so I could kiss him, see his face, drown in his eyes, and as I moved in him, felt the tight heat of him envelop me, I felt like I had come home, somehow. I couldn’t not speak his name, so I did, again and again, and he spoke mine as well. In quiet whispers we called out to one another. I had never, not in my entire life, felt that close to another human being. Sex had never felt so intimate. Except once, I realised later, when he had been inside me.

Afterwards, we lay together under the duvet, face to face. He stroked my cheek and smiled. I uttered a soft laugh. ‘Never put your dick in crazy,’ I said.

He laughed too. ‘Smart, hot, sane. Pick two.’

I kissed him, a slow, languorous kiss, sliding my tongue against his, trying to memorise the taste of him. Then I licked my lips. ‘So . . . what are we?’

Alex smirked. ‘We’re fucked up, is what we are. Deeply and irreversibly so.’

I pushed his shoulder lightly. ‘You know what I mean.’

‘Yeah, I know.’ He bit his bottom lip pensively. ‘I don’t know what we are. Does it matter?’

I thought for a moment. ‘I suppose not. I guess we can just be . . . us.’

‘Yeah,’ he said softly and smiled, resting his forehead against mine. ‘We’re us.’