Judgement Day - 1. Chapter 1 The Sermon

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Chapter 1: The Sermon

Looking around the spartanly appointed room serving as both living quarters and church office, Reverend Colin Duffy was once again awash with sad and recent memories. His bed, situated in the far corner, had become a forlorn and lonely place in the past week, and he was at war with himself over the decisions thrust upon him. It had been a tough few days of self-examination, with little sitting as it should, and he choked back another unruly sob as he thought about what he had given up for his faith.

Resigned, and determined to get through the morning, he checked his clerical collar one last time. Satisfied, he exited his compact rectory for the short walk to the church. Calling on God to guide him in his misery, he set about to face a different world.

Wiping sweaty hands on his trademark jeans before he grasped the hundred-year-old, wrought iron handle, he put the necessary effort into heaving the massive back door open. The low screech of the hinges was one of the familiar noises of the ancient building that would help stoke his excitement for his regular Sunday sermons, but today the sound filled him with dread.

Normally he would have stood on the front steps of the church to greet his parishioners as they arrived, but his nerves had him waiting until the last minute to face them. He was certain word of his censure from the board would have spread like wildfire, and he had no idea how many would be forgiving enough to attend service, but he was about to find out. He hesitated in the private hallway, at the bottom of the three steps leading to the raised pulpit area, and quietly murmured a quick prayer.

“Lord, forgive me my weakness and poor judgement, and please protect Daniel for his sake and mine… he needs your continued guidance, and help him see my actions were wrong. I have fallen in the eyes of my congregation, and I accept my penance with the grace you have bestowed upon me in the past. I am thankful for your love and sacrifice… and ask humbly for you to have faith in me as I have faith in you.”

He kissed the small silver cross Daniel had given him a few short months ago, on the first night Colin had consented to holding hands, and put it back into his jeans pocket. Making sure his short-sleeved clergy shirt was tucked into his waistband properly, he straightened his posture and walked out into the cavernous church.

The outside might be chipped, patched, and discolored yellow brick, from years of urban traffic and pollution, but the inside shone with the century of care it had been given. The soaring oak arches gleamed, as did the Georgian style paneling, and the original stained glass windows were a source of pride for Colin. He had led the drive to have them restored to their former glory, accomplished mostly by talented volunteers, and a small grant he’d secured from the local historical society.

As always, the majestic beauty and holy atmosphere filled him with reverence, lifting him up, albeit briefly, before he surveyed the mostly empty pews. That, in itself, was not unusual… his congregation was small, but there were some noticeable absences.

Especially Daniel’s. He used to hide at the very back when he first started attending, but had slowly moved forward over time until he found his place in the front pew. He’d sat there for the past year without fail, and his absence filled Colin with pain unlike anything he’d ever experienced. His heart was broken, but he still had the Lord’s work to do.

A few small coughs had him studying the expressions of those who made eye contact, but he couldn’t get a read on what they were thinking. He hadn’t been part of the meeting held by the church board… all he knew from a curt and formal letter was that he was being given a second chance, and he had every intention of not letting these people down again.

The downtrodden community needed him and his efforts to help save the lost souls who battled an unkind world. Poverty, addiction, prostitution, mental illness, homelessness… it all had become his life’s work, and in his opinion, the most important role of the church in today’s world. It was the main reason he'd chosen to follow the path he did.

He’d marshaled the services of these good and decent church-goers since he’d arrived at Downsview United, and they had become family in his eyes, willing to trust his leadership when he’d pushed them time and again to give more of themselves.

Clearing his throat, he opened the Bible sitting on the lectern. The first tab was for a passage on forgiveness, one he’d thought suitable to begin his sermon with, but now suddenly felt self-serving. Uncertain, but needing to start, he spoke the passage from Luke 6:37 aloud:

“Judge not, and you shall not be judged. Condemn not, and you shall not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.” Seconds passed as he struggled to continue, but it all felt wrong. Eventually, he gave up and lifted his gaze to take in the curious faces focused on him. He cleared his throat again.

“I want to thank you all for coming today. I had a sermon planned, and maybe I’ll get to it later, but first I want to apologize to each and every one of you for my lapse in judgement, and answer any questions you might have.” He swallowed, trying to control his nervousness, and had to plant both hands on the surface of the lectern to steady them.

“As you all know, this was my first assignment. It’s been almost four years since I came here with a mission to serve you and our undervalued community, and it has been more fulfilling than I could have ever hoped for. With God’s help and yours, we’ve accomplished so much… but… I allowed myself to get distracted, and let personal desire damage my standing with you all. I hope and pray this will not affect the very important programs we’ve put in place.”

A late arrival could be heard entering the front vestibule, but he kept going, determined to show these people his sincerity and regain their trust. His voice rang out with more strength than it previously had. “It was a mistake, and I intend to make sure it doesn’t—”

The opening door revealed the lone figure of a man, momentarily silhouetted by the sunlight coming from the lobby windows, before the interior door slammed with a bang behind him. He advanced slowly, and sweat began to bead on Colin’s forehead. His heart leapt and his stomach sunk as he locked eyes with Daniel.

It was the first time seeing him since they’d been found in the act of lovemaking, by three board members who thought they had the right to barge into his rectory at any time… even at ten-thirty in the evening. If only he’d remembered to lock the damn door.

Daniel stopped in line with the first pew, right beside his usual seat, and his gaze was unrelenting as he stared up at him. “I didn’t mean to interrupt. Please continue… I’d like to hear more about this mistake, since it involves me… and I’d like to hear why you felt the need to cut me completely from your life.”

“Daniel… I asked that you not….” He stopped, further words dying in his throat. He couldn’t think under the scrutiny of the man he loved with all his heart. The silence grew, as did the awkwardness, and people could be heard shifting in their seats. “I’m sorry, I can’t do this… this is not the time or place to discuss—”

“This is my church too, is it not?” He looked and sounded calm, but Colin knew better.

“Of course it is, but….”

“But, what? Does God no longer love me because I fell in love with a man… one of his very own ministers?”

“No, certainly not! It’s not about that. God doesn’t care who we love, and he doesn’t judge—”

“Then what’s the problem? These people? Why did they get to decide anything about us?”

Another voice rang out, and Colin heard the vitriol in it. It was Hilda, a member of the board, and the one who’d led the charge through his rectory door with barely a knock. “Reverend Duffy’s position is precarious at best, young man, and you being here is not helping. He has rules to follow, and he is breaking one of them right now. This is the Lord’s house, I might add, and not the place to air dirty laundry.”

“Is that true?” Daniel asked, his eyes boring into Colin’s.

“Ah, I’m not sure what you’re asking… is what true?”

“Is this the Lord’s house?”

“Yes.”

“So it’s not ours”—his arm gesture indicated all the people watching their drama unfold—“like you always said, a place to feel safe?”

“Of course it is… it’s the house of the Lord, but it is our church, a place to worship Him with our fellow man…and a place to feel His love.”

“That’s what I thought. It’s what you taught me, that I could come here whenever I needed to, and I needed to today. Are you turning me away, Colin?”

“No, that’s not my intention… you’re welcome here, of course you are.” He glanced quickly at Hilda and some of the other faces staring at him. He was truly torn about how to proceed. His entire body ached to hold this man in his embrace, but he’d agreed to the board’s conditions. “Daniel, please… could you take a seat and we’ll talk about this later.”

“How can we do that? My understanding, which Mrs. O’Brian has just backed up, is you’ve been forbidden to interact with me if you want to keep your position. Am I wrong? You didn’t give me much of an explanation in your one text,” he finished accusingly.

Colin winced at the deserved blow before turning his gaze to the woman mentioned, taking in her stern and disapproving expression. “Part of the agreement is that I end our… friendship… for everyone’s sake. I’m sorry… I… I thought you understood the reasons… why it had to be this way.” He hung his head, unable to meet the vivid blue that had no equal in any of the church’s spectacular windows.

“Our friendship is what you call it? Really? And you agreed it had to be this way? Just like that, you gave up on us… for everyone’s sake? Don’t you mean everyone’s sake but ours?”

Colin’s head rose, and so did his doubts, but he attempted to hold firm. “Please, Daniel, not now.”

The man’s response was to shake his head slowly, sadness emanating from him. “What did we do that was so wrong?”

“You didn’t… I was the one. I’m sorry, I don’t know how to… please, I’m asking you again, can we not do this here?”

Daniel ignored his plea. “So, you lied to me? You never loved me? You were just another person to throw me away?”

“No! That’s not true! I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I… I never lied to you,” he uttered softly. This time he held eye contact, and he could feel the fractures in his heart widening with each second.

“Then I don’t get it. If God doesn’t judge, why do you accept the judgement of a few board members? Of anyone? You said not to let anyone but me decide my worth… did you not?”

Hilda huffed loudly, likely losing patience with the continuing conversation, and Colin held back a groan. Daniel had him pinned down like a butterfly on a cork-board, and there was no escape. Of all the ways he saw this day going, this wasn’t one of them, but the man deserved an answer. “Yes, I did, and I would still tell you the same thing. You are an amazing human being with a goodness I’ve always seen, and what you’ve done in the past is not who you are. You have nothing to be ashamed of… not now and not ever.” God, give me strength. “But, I have a mission to help our community, and to do that, I have to be trusted.”

“And you are! All the people you’ve helped get off the streets, and all the ones still trapped… they trust you, and I should know because I’ve been out there with you. Do you really think they would judge us? The church allows you to love, get married, have kids… that’s what you told me,” Daniel said, and for the first time, Colin heard defeat in his tone. They’d had this conversation in an intimate moment, during which they’d discussed a future that now seemed impossible. There had been so much hope a week ago….

“I did tell you that, and it’s true, but I have been—” He stopped when Hilda stood up. All eyes in the congregation went to her. She had a commanding presence, and Colin expected the worst.

“We cannot have our minister, in a position of authority, taking advantage of innocent children in our community. We, the board, have a responsibility to protect the image of our church. We are all aware of the horrible, damaging events that have come to light in past years, and we can’t afford that kind of taint in our own backyard. And you, young man, have chosen the wrong place to conduct this… this debasing conversation. We have made our ruling based on rather disturbing evidence, which you are well aware of, and if Mister Duffy wants to keep his job, he will conduct himself in an appropriate manner from here on out. I expect this conversation to end now.” She made a huffing sound as she sat back down.

William Donleavy, a man who, almost nightly, drove the van that provided warm soup, jackets, hats, socks, blankets, and sleeping bags for the homeless on cold nights, stood up immediately. “Let them speak, Hilda. For God’s sake, have a heart. I don’t agree with the board’s decision, and if I had known about your little meeting I would have come and told you so. I don’t see how this is anyone’s business but theirs.”

Colin saw a few heads nod in agreement before his gaze traveled back to Daniel. His handsome head was down, his eyes shuttered, and his hands had found his pockets. He looked so different from the energetic and joyful man of a week ago. He looked ready to run, an old habit that had taken a long time to break, and now Colin wasn’t so sure he wanted to see him walk away. What the hell was he doing? What the hell had he done?

After shifting his feet, Daniel seemed to regroup, and turned around to address the entire church. “I ah… I appreciate that Reverend Duffy has an important role in our community… I know it better than anyone. He saved me… he saved me from myself, just like he has so many others. But you’re wrong, ma’am. I am not a child, and he did not take advantage of me. I met him two weeks before I turned seventeen. I remember because two weeks later he searched for me… just so he could give me a little chocolate cake with seventeen candles on it… seventeen! Can you believe it? They barely fit, but it was beautiful. That was the first birthday cake I can remember getting,” he finished in a voice barely above a whisper.

Colin couldn’t see his face as he spoke, but he read his body language… his hand was trembling as he ran it through his dark blond hair, and his shoulders had curled forward. He was close to breaking, and Colin’s urge to hug him grew in strength. He thought Daniel was done talking, but he was wrong.

Squaring his shoulders, his voice rang out clear. “I’m nineteen now, and never once was Colin inappropriate, and in fact, he went out of his way not to be. Every kid on the street would tell you that. I was the one who chased after him… because I’d fallen in love with him and knew in my heart—”

Hilda jumped to her feet again, with surprising speed for a woman of her size and age. “Young man, I believe you are confusing lust with love… that’s how it appeared from my unfortunate vantage point last Sunday night, and you do not have the experience to understand the dynamics of this subject. Of course you were infatuated with him. You said yourself he saved you… but he took advantage of your innocence, and while we might be able to overlook this one episode because you are now of legal age, it still has a suspicious appearance despite your defense of him. Our minister has to be above reproach in the future. I must say I am having serious misgivings about giving out this second chance.” Her mouth was set in a grim line, and for the first time, Colin felt anger. He was about to respond, but Daniel beat him to it.

“Innocent?” Daniel snorted. “I am anything but, ma’am. I can pretty much guarantee I’ve had more sex than anyone else in this church, maybe even the entire congregation, but I know love. The first time I ever made love was with Colin, so think what you want, but don’t tell me I don’t know what I’m talking about!”

“There is no need for that kind of talk,” Hilda spoke out indignantly.

“Oh, I disagree… it feels like you’re conducting a trial here.”

“You are not the one on trial, young man. We certainly do not hold you responsible for Mister Duffy’s actions.”

“My name is Daniel, ma’am, and you should hold me responsible, because I seduced him, not the other way around, and believe me, it took a lot of work, and didn’t happen until after I turned nineteen.”

“Enough! This is the house of the Lord, and you are being impertinent.”

“Impertinent? Maybe you should come out with us when we are ministering to the homeless street kids night after night… you’d see some real impertinence then.”

Colin, impressed with Daniel’s fortitude as he went toe to toe with Hilda, had to really fight not to laugh at her shocked expression.

“I need no lecture from such as you. I am the one who organizes all the funding for those endeavors to help the unfortunate. This conversation is at an end.”

“Oh, let him talk, Hilda,” William said. “We all know you contribute a lot to this church, but this involves all of us—I know both these men, and I don’t believe they’ve done anything wrong. They are both consenting adults, and this isn’t the sixteen hundreds.”

“They had sexual relations in the rectory, which comes under our jurisdiction, and that is a violation of our rules and… and our decency!”

“Says who? Where are these rules? Rev, correct me if I’m wrong, but did you not say you loved Daniel?”

“I… it doesn’t matter. I should have considered the consequences.”

“Exactly!” Hilda agreed.

“It doesn’t matter whether you love me?” Daniel turned towards him, and his voice matched his desolate expression.

“No, no, I didn’t mean….” He took a deep breath and tried to gather his thoughts, which wasn’t easy with Daniel’s distress so evident. “That’s not what I’m saying, okay? It’s just… I’m seven years older than you, and I’ve been your sponsor while you turned your life around, and with that comes a responsibility. It’s understandable you could have been susceptible to feelings that aren’t… that we might have gotten carried away, and I’m just trying to do the right thing… please understand, Daniel.”

“Wow. You know my entire history, and you think I’m susceptible? I’ve spent my life manipulating others, and you showed me the truth of that and the damage it was doing to my soul. And yes, you’re older than me in years, but I’ve had more experiences and been with more men than even I can count. We both know you’re the innocent one here when it comes to relationships, so how can you believe we got carried away—”

“It’s about perceptions, Daniel, don’t you see that? It’s bigger than us, and I have betrayed my oath to my congregation, and to God… I’ve offended him by putting my desires ahead of his.” Saying the words, he realized his conviction was faltering. They sounded and felt hypocritical.

“How can you say that? You told me God is love.”

“He is.”

“Then if two people love each other, and it hurts no one else, how can it offend him?”

“I….”

“Do you love me? Because I love you. I’ve lied to a lot of people in my life, but never to you, Colin. I meant everything I’ve ever said… did you?”

Colin looked away from the beseeching look, and took in all the rapt expressions in the pews. Suddenly, it seemed less important what they thought, or what their perceptions were. What mattered stood in front of him, pouring his heart out with such courage, and not caring who heard. Daniel was hurting, and Colin could take that pain away, just like he’d done so many times in their shared past.

“I meant every word, and… and I still do.” For the first time since Daniel had walked down the aisle, Colin saw him relax. It felt good to give him that. He smiled at him before addressing the congregation.

“I do love this man, and I stand before you and swear what we have is good and pure. Thanks to Daniel, I understand now I was wrong. I don’t believe I’ve offended God at all, nor have I offended this church. A real offense to Him would be to deny our love, something I will not do… not anymore. I want you all to hear it from me… that we did nothing wrong. I did not take advantage of Daniel in any way, and he did not take advantage of me. We fell in love, and there was nothing inappropriate about it, not in our Lord’s eyes.

“Hilda, while I appreciate you and the board have your responsibilities, I can’t accept your terms for staying on… not if it means Daniel and I can’t build a life together. I… we have nothing to be ashamed of, and shouldn’t be treated as if we do. I love this church and my work, but, if necessary, I can still minister to the community as a layman.”

Turning his attention back to Daniel, he spoke, no longer concerned about anything or anyone but him. “I know I’ve lost my way these last few days, and let you down, but can you forgive me?”

“Yes, Colin, I can forgive you… I do forgive you.”

“And do you still want to be my husband?”

“More than anything.”

“Then I think it’s time we made plans for God to bless our union. Can you join me up here, please?”

Daniel wasted no time in bolting up the steps and into his arms.

“I’m so sorry,” Colin whispered into his ear as he held him tight.

“I’m sorry I hijacked your service, but I was terrified I’d lost you, and I didn’t know what else to do.”

“You did the right thing… and stuck up for us while I was a fool, but I promise you I don’t care anymore about my job or how others view us… I forgot God wants me to be happy, and there is no chance of that without you.”

“I love you, Colin.”

“I love you too.”

Their conversation was interrupted by someone clapping, and it was soon joined by the entire group… except for Hilda. They pulled apart, but Colin quickly grabbed Daniel’s hand as they stood before his congregation, possibly for the last time.

William Donleavy was clapping the loudest and grinning widely. “That was the best damn sermon I’ve ever witnessed, Rev.”

Colin and Daniel looked at each other and laughed.

“And don’t you worry about the board. We’re going to have another meeting, aren’t we, folks?” William asked the now-standing parishioners, before staring pointedly at a seated Hilda. There was a lot of vigorous head nodding and smiles. “We’ll see you here next week, Reverend, but I think you’ll be hearing from someone before then, possibly with an apology and a commendation for all the good work you’ve been doing.”

Hilda squirmed in her seat as she opened her mouth to speak, but apparently thought better of it, because she stayed quiet.

“And congratulations on your engagement. You make a great team. I’ve had the pleasure of watching you two fall in love as you worked side by side—many of us out there saw it happening—and I’ve no doubt the man upstairs is celebrating right along with us. God bless you both.”

The clapping started up again, this time louder, and when cheers were added, Colin found himself blushing. Daniel wore an equally red color, and his eyes sparkled with the life Colin had grown to love. He reached over with his free hand and closed his Bible, signifying the end of the day’s service, such as it was. “Will you stand with me for the departure handshakes?”

“I’d love to, if you’re sure?”

“I am.”

Hand in hand they left the raised pulpit and walked up the aisle. Ian, one of the many young men and women he’d helped rescue from the streets, gave them a fist pump and a grin before propping open the doors.

It was a sunny day made brighter by the light at Colin’s side, who was taking on his new role with relish, accepting congratulations and thanking parishioners like a seasoned pro. It filled him to overflowing to see Daniel back to his happy, confident self.

Whatever happened with his status as minister of Downsview United Church, he was content. Daniel’s courage—and his faith in them—had kept him from making the biggest mistake of his life, and reminded him of who God truly was. He was love, and love was His greatest gift. Colin would never lose sight of that again.

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