String - 6. Casualties

I awoke the next morning barely able to move. The combination of sunburn and being on a boat all day took all my energy out of me. I hoped I would feel better in time for the first day of school the next day. I threw my feet out of bed and pulled myself upright. I tugged on a pair of sweatpants and went to the bathroom. Then I found dad laying on the couch with a bag of ice on his head.

“Buddy…” dad said, his voice barely above a whisper. “Let’s just stay quiet for a little while. Okay?”

“Sounds good to me,” I said. I sat in the recliner next to the couch. It slightly squeaked as I gingerly sat on it.

“Not so loud,” dad said. We just stayed there quietly for about an hour. I nodded off a time or two. After a while, dad pulled himself to an upright position and looked at me.

“Nice shirt,” he said. “Pasty white is definitely your color.”

“Shut up,” I said. I wanted to smile, but smiling hurt.

“Your face is… Oh! Your mother is going to kill me. Why didn’t we bring sunscreen?”

“Because we’re idiots, obviously,” I replied. We spent another hour just sitting there together. Dad began to stir again around noon.

“Guess we should have some lunch,” he said. “Don’t want you to go back to your mother starving to death. She’s already going to have me back in court for the sunburn.”

“I’ll try to convince her otherwise,” I said.

“Good luck with that,” dad said. “I’ll order delivery from the pizza place.”

“Sounds good as long as I don’t have to work too hard to chew,” I said.

Dad struggled to pull himself to his feet. He swayed a little bit, but managed to stay upright. “I’ve never been so hung over in my life, and I was married to your mother for fifteen years which was like one long hangover.” He hobbled toward the bathroom.

“How much of yesterday do you remember?” I asked.

“Bits and pieces,” dad said. He didn’t bother to close the bathroom door and I could hear his pee splashing in the toilet. He returned to the main room of the apartment. “I remember the birthday cake. I remember giving you the tickets to the Steeler game. I remember… you were pretty pissed at me.”

“Don’t worry about it. I was just venting.”

“If I took everything to heart someone said to me when they were angry with me your mother would have killed me by now.”

“Yeah,” I said.

“Where’s my cell phone? Shit! I left it in the backseat of Amber’s car.”

“Just use mine,” I said. Dad shuffled into my room and came out with my phone.

“Yeah, I was pretty pissed yesterday. I’m sorry. The boat ride was fun, I guess. I said some things I wish I hadn’t. You understand, right?”

Dad didn’t answer.

“Dad?”

“Jake… Why is there a picture of Danny Rossi’s cock on your phone?”

Oh shit! Oh shit! OH SHIT!!!!! I realized way too late that I had left my text messenger open and I’d been looking at the pictures Danny had sent me when I fell asleep last night. Dad came to where I was sitting and stood next to my chair.

“Is this you?” he asked. Oh my god! He showed me the picture I’d sent Danny of my dick covered in cum. “Did you take this here?”

“I… I can explain…” I said. I felt my face become even hotter than the sunburn. I tried to think of something, anything, to defend myself.

Dad sat down on the couch and put his head in his hands. Looked like his headache had gotten ten times worse. “First thing you need to do is delete these pictures because legally what you guys did is child pornography, even if you made it yourself. Make sure Danny deletes his side of the conversation too. I’m serious.” He handed me my phone back and I quickly did as he said.

“God, his dad is your mother’s lawyer! If he finds out you took those pictures while you were here…”

“They’re deleted,” I said. I showed him my phone. Dad took it, pressed a few buttons and turned it back around to show me. There were the pictures again.

“Ahh!! Holy shit!” I said. “How’d you do that?”

“You have to empty the trash files too or they’ll still be on your phone,” dad explained. I quickly did that too.

“So much for the easy part,” dad said. “So… does your mother know?”

“Know what?” I asked.

“Jake…”

“She doesn’t know about this,” I said.

“And what else have you and Danny been up to?”

“Nothing! I swear!” I lied.

“Jake, there’s one thing I’ve always appreciated about you, and it’s that you and I have always been honest with each other. I know I haven’t always been the best father to you, and that’s my fault. I’ve screwed up a lot of things in my life, but I’d like to think I at least did alright with you. Now, if there are things you don’t want to tell me, that’s your right and I’ve always tried to respect you as a person. But if there are things you’d like to tell me, I’ll listen and you know I’ll respect you and love you no matter what. I know it’s uncomfortable and awkward, but it’s going to be okay.”

“What do you want to know?” I asked.

“What’s going on with you and Danny?”

“Just what you saw. We’re just messing around.”

“Does your mother know?”

“No.”

“Have you told your mom you’re gay?” dad asked.

“What? I’m not gay! That’s crazy!”

“Jacob,” dad said sternly.

“I… I haven’t told her,” I said.

“Why?”

“Because she’ll flip out.”

“You think so?”

“You don’t?” I asked.

“Jake… Look. As much as I hate your mother, I know some things about her. I know she loves you more than life itself. I know she would do anything to keep you safe. And I know she won’t be surprised if you’re honest with her. If your dumb old dad who only sees you every other weekend can figure it out, you know your mother has done it too.”

“How did you know?” I asked.

“I raised you,” dad replied. “Wasn’t always the best at it, but I did have a part in it. I knew you were gay since you were little, you just hadn’t figured it out yet. Looks like you’ve started to. That’s a good thing. Keeping stuff inside too long isn’t good. You have every right to explore your sexuality. Don’t be afraid of what your body is telling you. This should be a fun time in your life. You’ll fall in love and have more fun than you ever imagined if you let yourself. If you’re anything like me, you’ll break a few hearts along the way. That Danny kid, though… Don’t get too attached. He might mess around with you for fun, but in the end, he’ll drop you like a bad habit when something more to his liking comes along.”

“Like a girl?”

“Like a girl,” dad replied.

“This is not the way I thought this conversation would go,” I admitted.

“How’d you think it would go?”

“Yelling… Blaming mom… You know, that sort of thing. I thought you’d try to convince me it’s just a phase… I didn’t think you’d be so chill about it.”

“You thought I’d freak out?”

“Yeah.”

“And you think your mom will freak out too.”

“She will. She’ll cry or something. Blame herself, or blame you. You know, overreact like she always does whenever you piss her off.”

“Well, she can’t take me to court for you being gay,” dad said. “Now… let’s order that pizza. The last thing I ate was that cake yesterday and most of it ended up in the river. I’m starving.”

I was so relieved after our conversation. Man, when I saw those pictures in my dad’s hands, I thought I was dead. Like, totally dead. But dad had been very cool about everything. Too cool. I wanted to believe he was right about mom, but I couldn’t possibly see it going any way but horribly. Mom was going to flip out. I fully expected waterworks city when we finally had to have the talk. If I had my way it wouldn’t come for a very long time. Like after college. I would have to be more careful though. It had only taken one careless moment for dad to find those pictures. That could have been the end of me if my dad hadn’t been cool about everything. And he didn’t even know everything. He didn’t know about band camp.

I knew he was right about Danny though. I knew the time was coming when he was going to decide what we were doing was too gay for him and he was going to push me away as hard as he could. Every time we went too far in his eyes, he found himself a girlfriend. Eventually he was going to find one who put out, and that would probably be the end for me and Danny. We were just doing harmless kid stuff. Once he got some pussy that was going to be it. I understood it, I accepted it, but I didn’t have to like it. And like dad said, just because I knew how it would end didn’t mean I couldn’t enjoy the ride while it was still going on!

When the pizza came, dad had a couple of slices and I ate the rest. I was always hungry! I could have eaten the whole pizza by myself. Later that evening when mom came to pick me up, she texted me, as usual, to let me know she was waiting. I knew to hurry or she’d blame dad for making me late no matter how much I protested.

“I love you, dad!” I said as I left his apartment.

“I love you too, buddy!” dad replied.

I walked out to mom’s car and got in the passenger’s seat.

“What on earth happened to you?” she asked.

“I got a little too much sun,” I replied.

“A little? What on earth did your father do to you?”

“It was a fun time, mom.” I insisted. “Just forget about it.”

“Sunscreen, Jacob,” mom sighed. “Your father should know you fry like a lobster on a cloudy day.”

“I wasn’t his fault. I’m almost fifteen. I can handle myself.”

“Obviously not!” mom replied.

“Just go home!” I protested. I knew dad would be getting an angry phone call later no matter what I said.

So, it was nice to start school again, even if I still looked like half my body had been baked. I wasn’t one for getting half-baked, but in this case at least I had a good reason. By the end of the week everything would fade and I’d have a farmer’s tan for a while. Things started out great for the new school year. My class had lunch with the freshman class, so I would have lots of friends to hang out with during that time. Unfortunately, Danny and I were in different home rooms which meant we were in different classes most of the day, and his home room had lunch at a different time than mine. Band was a class now, instead of a full day thing like it had been in the summer. Mr. Reilly knew how to utilize that time to get the most out of us during his forty-five minutes. Every day was something different, field work one day, marching practice another day. Mr. Reilly also would be taking over the singing groups like the Junior High chorus and the high school choir. AND he was the new drama instructor! I was really excited about that! There was also a music elective class he would be teaching. If I’d have known it was him who would be teaching it, I’d have signed up for that instead of art appreciation. I’d only signed up for art because it was one of the few classes I would have with Danny, and he was hoping there would be nude models.

“You can’t be serious!” I laughed when he suggested that idea.

“You never know!”

“Yes, I do know. I know there’s no way there would be nude models in a tenth grade art class! We’re probably going to be making pottery half the time.”

“Yeah, probably. Hey sorry you can’t come over after the game on Friday. We’ll be at your birthday party on Saturday, though.”

On Wednesday, I officially turned fifteen. I felt older just being able to say that. “I’m fifteen” sounds so much older than “I’m fourteen.” My birthday is the only day of the year when everyone in my class is the same age, because Shawn Spencer’s birthday was the very next day and he’d turn sixteen. Shawn had made the mistake of signing up for the football team with Coach Rush before he knew what he was getting into. Over the summer he’d dropped twenty-five pounds and converted another twenty-five pounds into muscle thanks to Coach Rush’s intense training. He was no longer the slowest runner in the class.

I was no slouch either. No, I wasn’t big and muscular, but I had grown about three inches since my last birthday. I had grown about an inch taller than Danny, even though he was six months older than me. Danny probably outweighed me by twenty pounds though. He was pretty built and had a lot more muscle than I did. I was about the middle of the pack in height in the tenth grade, but I was probably still one of the lightest guys, as I’d only recently crossed over the hundred-pound mark. I was filling out though, and I was eating like a horse.

We had our first game of the year against the Belle Vernon Leopards on Friday night. The stadium was about half full, as the team had stunk for years, probably since Coach Rush had played. We were all surprised to still be in the game at halftime. The band played even better that night than we had the night of the dress rehearsal, but the response of the crowd was probably half as excited as it had been when it was a crowd of our families. At least we didn’t suck. In fact, nothing sucked! The team played better, the cheerleaders cheered better, and our pep music was more peppy than last year. The team still lost, but only by a few points instead of by the thirty or forty points we were used to seeing. It takes a lot of effort to turn a ship around. That’s what the captain of the yacht had told me. But it only takes one little rudder to do it.

I was feeling pretty good when mom picked me up after the game. I could have stayed with Danny that night, like we’d done after the games during our freshman year, but mom had asked me to come home that night. It wasn’t a big deal. She just wanted me to be ready for a long day on Saturday for my birthday party. Danny and I would renew our traditional Friday night sleepovers after the football games the next week.

The party took place on Saturday at the bowling alley. Mom rented a couple of lanes at the bowling alley. Danny was there with his mom, of course. Ryan was able to make it, along with a couple of my friends from the freshman class. We had a good time. It was nice to go out and have some fun while enjoying some bowling. It was Danny who drew my attention to the group of guys on the other side of the bowling alley.

“Look who’s bowling down on lane twenty-five,” he said. I looked and there was Mr. Reilly along with his husband and a couple of their friends. “Why don’t you go say hi to your dad,” Danny teased.

“Shut up,” I laughed. After my next shot though, I did make my way over to where they were. Mr. Reilly was about to make his next shot. He was wearing his knee brace, of course. He threw the ball about as smoothly as I’d ever seen, a perfect hook shot into the pins for a strike. He turned around to his friends and gave them a crotch chop.

“Suck on that, Smith!” he said, laughing.

“Bite me Reilly,” Mr. Reilly’s tall, red headed friend replied.

Then Mr. Reilly’s saw me standing there and I could tell he was embarrassed by the way he’d just behaved. He didn’t say it out loud, but I knew his lips said, “Oh fuck,” when he saw me. He excused himself from his friends and walked up from the bowling area to where I was.

“Finnegan… I didn’t expect to see you here,” Mr. Reilly said. He looked over at where my party was and saw what was going on. “Having a birthday party?”

“Yeah, I turned fifteen on Wednesday,” I said.

“Well happy birthday,” Mr. Reilly said.

“Did you say it’s someone’s birthday?” the red-headed guy asked. He joined us and put his arm around Mr. Reilly’s shoulder. “I don’t think you want to tell Mr. Reilly that you’re here for a birthday party. That could be dangerous. Right, Billy?”

Mr. Reilly’s husband, who was on the approach getting ready to bowl turned around and flipped the red headed guy off. Mr. Reilly looked mortified.

“Why would that be dangerous?” I asked.

The red headed guy just started laughing.

“Dude, not in front of the kid,” Mr. Reilly said.

Mr. Reilly’s husband threw a gutter ball and stood there on the approach.

“Can you guys not act like idiots behind me when I’m trying to bowl?” he asked.

“Use your headphones!” the red head shouted at him. “Nate, hand Billy his headphones…”

“I don’t want to use my headphones. I want you guys to shut up while I’m trying to bowl!”

The red head just laughed. “So anyway, the last time Mr. Reilly here was at a birthday party at the bowling alley he…”

“Oh, look at that! It’s your turn to bowl, Dustin.” Mr. Reilly said in a tone of voice that I had learned meant that he was done putting up with you. The red head, I guess his name was Dustin, laughed some more.

“You know, you’re kinda cute when you act all mature and grown up,” he said. He turned to me, “Don’t let him fool you, kid. He may act all serious and mature, but inside, he’s still the kid who holds the record for most days in detention. I’m still trying to figure out how they hired him.”

Mr. Reilly just turned even more red as his friend headed back to the lane.

“Jake! You’re up!” Ryan shouted across the bowling alley at me.

“So…” I said. “It was nice to see you, Mr. Reilly.”

“I’m glad you stopped by, Jake. Enjoy your party,” he said.

“You’re welcome to come over if you…”

“No no… You go have fun. I have to beat my brother there or I’ll never hear the end of it.”

“That guy’s your brother?” I asked.

The red head threw another strike and shouted to Mr. Reilly. “Take that, you gimpy piece of Donora trash!”

“Close enough,” Mr. Reilly replied, shaking his head.

I returned to my party. Danny picked on me some more. “Good to see you, Finnegan,” he said, using his Mr. Reilly imitation once again.

“Danny, shut up!” I said.

“Did you kiss his left butt cheek or his right one this time?”

“Bite me, Daniel,” I replied.

“I can’t blame you for liking the guy though. He has a good job and he seems happily married. He’s like the father you never had.”

“Whoa! Dude, shut up!” Ryan said. “That’s not cool, dude.”

I slammed my ball onto the rack and walked up to Danny. “Why don’t you shut up about my father?” I snapped.

The look on Danny’s face told me he knew he’d gone too far. “Jake, I’m just messing with you…”

“Well I don’t appreciate it. So shut your stupid mouth.”

“Sorry,” Danny said.

“Boys!” my mom shouted from the party area.

“He started it!” I protested.

“Jacob, don’t you start.”

I scowled at my mother and then at Danny, who was slouching further and further down, as if trying to get out of the line of fire. “Not cool, dude,” I said to him. I returned to the lane and got a spare. When I was finished, I walked out of the bowling area to where my mom was talking with Mrs. Rossi.

“Apparently his little bimbo’s due date is coming soon,” mom said, unaware that I had walked up behind her. “I’m still deciding whether to send her a card.”

“How do you say ‘Good luck getting those child support payments when he moved on from you?’”

“God, can you go one day without bashing dad?” I snapped.

Mom and Mrs. Rossi turned around to see me there. Mom opened her mouth as if to speak, but nothing came out. “My dad works his ass off, and he’s a good man! He doesn’t need you people judging him, or badmouthing him when he’s not around.”

“I was just making a statement in a private conversation,” mom said.

“Right… In the middle of a public bowling alley. This family sucks!” I stormed off toward the exit, but realized I was wearing bowling shoes so I took them off and walked outside in my socks. After a minute or so, Mr. Reilly and his friends walked outside having finished their game.

“So that’s Reilly-Roberts, 2. Smith-Stevens 1,” Mr. Reilly said.

“Suck it Brett!” that Dustin guy said. “We won total pins!”

“I’ll bet you’d like to suck…” Mr. Reilly started, but then he saw me sitting there in front of the building. “Aw man…” he said. He told his friends he’d catch up with them and then he walked over to me.

“Everything okay, Jake?” he asked.

“Everybody sucks. No one understands what I’m going through. I hate my stupid family.”

Mr. Reilly absorbed that barrage. “Hmmm…” he said. “Your parents are divorced, right?”

“Yeah.”

“It’s hard to watch people who are supposed to love each other tear each other apart.”

“It sucks!”

“Yeah it does,” he said.

“I wish I could go home with you instead of my mom. I hate her so much!”

Mr. Reilly sighed. “Jake… Can I give you some advice?”

“I guess,” I said.

“Don’t waste your life being angry at everybody, especially your mom. It’ll just make you miserable, and it won’t solve anything either. I haven’t talked to my mother in years. The wounds that caused that to happen are just as fresh as they were all those years ago because we never gave them a chance to heal. There are always going to be casualties when a relationship goes bad. It’s always going to hurt that your parents broke up. But if you just ignore that pain and never address it, it’s never going to get any better. You know that guy who I was bowling with? The red head?”

“Yeah,”

“We used to hate each other. He once beat me up so bad I almost pissed myself.”

“No way,”

“Oh, it’s true,” he replied. “But eventually, we sat down, we talked it over, and now he’s probably the best friend I’ve ever had. Like I said, he’s like my brother. That wouldn’t have happened unless we’d talked to each other. Go back to your party, Jake. You’re allowed to be angry, but don’t let your anger ruin your relationships. Okay?”

“Okay,” I said.

Mr. Reilly left to catch up with his friends. I went back inside and ran into Danny who was coming out to find me.

“Coming to tell me it’s my turn?” I asked.

“No, I was coming to apologize for being a jerk,” Danny replied.

“What? Did your mother make you?”

“No. I just… I should have known better than to go there. I’m sorry. I know things with your dad suck. I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“Well… I guess I can forgive you. Just don’t do it again. My dad’s a good guy. You don’t know him like I do.”

When I got back to my party, mom apologized too. She didn’t apologize for the things she said, just that I’d heard her say them. It was little things like that that just reinforced my opinion that when the time came she wasn’t going to accept me being gay like dad had done. Nevertheless, the cake was good and the presents were nice, so I considered it to be a fine birthday party.