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Endings - 17. Chapter 17 Lilah

Sorrows....

                                                                                                                                                                                   ***

 

Lilah

 

Staring out the window of the coffee shop, the woman wasn’t at all what he expected. Chase pushed down his anger at Hank as he watched him approach his long-estranged mother. The awkwardness was immediately apparent in how they interacted, with an almost hug that ended in a clumsy attempt at a handshake. Chase cringed at the display. He’d never met Lilah, but had this mental picture of her from the little information Hank had disclosed, and now he could see how wrong it had been.

Even though Hank had never used such words to describe her, Chase had expected someone brassy, maybe dressed a little too provocatively, and wearing too much make-up. That was not the woman standing on the other side of the glass.

First of all, she was stunning, but in a delightfully understated way. She wore no cosmetics he could see, and clearly didn’t need to. Her tied-back ash blonde hair shone, and the astonishing blue of her eyes matched her son’s exactly. She wore a pretty, white dress covered in tiny blue flowers, and a pale yellow sweater was draped over her shoulders. The willowy woman exuded class, and while she exuded nervousness as well, in her movements, her smile was quick and easy. It too was a carbon copy of Hank’s, and he was fascinated by it as it came and went a couple of times.

He liked her immediately, at least the looks of her, but maybe that was due to the resemblance to her son. He smiled and waved when Hank pointed him out to her through the glass. She returned both gestures.

Seconds later they were inside the coffee shop and walking towards the booth. He stood as Hank made the introductions.

“Lilah, this is… Chase.”

“Nice to meet you, Chase.”

“Nice to meet you too. I’ve heard a lot about you.”

“You have?” Chase’s words had startled her enough that her eyes widened, but she recovered quickly. “I know so little about my son’s life. Are you and Hank good friends?”

“We were… we used to be. We were a couple, ma’am, for about three years.”

“Longer than that,” Hank muttered quickly, his posture way too rigid.

Chase, surprised, looked at him and nodded. “Yes, three and a half years to be exact.”

“My, that’s a long time to be together. What happ—”

“Ah, sit down, Lilah,” Hank said abruptly, interrupting his mother.

“Oh, yes… of course.” She slid into the booth, and Chase, wincing at Hank’s rudeness, could feel her disappointment, probably at being called by her given name again. What mother wouldn’t be?

Hank stepped over to his side and practically shoved him into the corner of the booth with his body. Chase took in his clenched fists and released a quiet sigh. This was not going to be easy.

“Aren’t you going to get your mom something to drink?” Chase asked nicely, wanting to dispel some of the tension.

“Oh, right, sorry. What would you like?”

“Tea, Earl Grey, hot,” she answered with a mischievous grin.

Chase chuckled. “A Star Trek fan, I see.”

“Actually, more of a Jean-Luc Picard fan.” Her tinkling laugh was absolutely charming, but Hank’s face looked carved from stone as he stood up and left to get her tea.

She shook her head sadly as she watched her son walk away. “I hope I can make him understand why I had to leave… if he’ll finally let me. Sorry, I guess I shouldn’t be speaking without him present.”

“Of course you should. I know from all the times you’ve reached out to him that this is very important to you—and at least now you have your chance to try,” he said, hoping he was coming across as encouraging. “This is a big step for Hank, but you might have to push him a bit.”

Lilah gave a slight nod and a look of chagrin. “I’ve tried so many times, but he’s never been one to be pushed. Even as a toddler, I couldn’t force him to do anything.”

She smiled the way mothers do when talking about their child. Chase had seen it often enough on his own mother’s face when she would reminisce about his and Cindy’s childhood antics.

“So, you and Hank have broken up… for good?”

“Yes.”

“I’m sorry to hear that. You make such a handsome couple. It’s great, though, that you can still be friends.”

“To be honest, it hasn’t been easy, Lilah.”

“Oh? Was this a recent thing?” She leaned slightly forward, and Chase could see the genuine interest. His instincts told him this was a caring woman who likely wanted to know everything she could about her son.

“At the start of the summer, so not that recent, but we’re still trying to adjust.”

“That’s another thing my son was never good at, certainly not where I was concerned.”

“I get the impression he worshipped his dad.”

“Oh, he did,” she agreed. “To a fault.”

Hank approached them, staring curiously at Chase. “Here you go… the bag is still in it.”

“Perfect. Thank you, dear.”

“You’re welcome.”

Hank sat down, again right against his side, and Chase noticed his ex’s hands, no longer clenched, were trembling. He felt the urge to comfort him, and, reaching over, caught the right one in his and squeezed. He let go immediately after, but it was enough that Hank’s body relaxed. This, they could still do for each other.

Lilah had busied herself with removing her teabag from the cup, but Chase noticed her mouth twitch at his gesture.

Taking a small sip, she set her tea down and directed her gaze to her son. “Well, given how estranged we’ve been, where should we start?”

“Start?” Hank asked.

“Yes, I mean, do we want to gloss over the past and just get to know one another? I know this is hard for you, but it is for me too, and I have no idea how to proceed.”

“You think I do?”

“You called me, dear, and I’m very grateful for that, but how do we ensure it isn’t the only time you do?” Her demeanor was calm, but Chase saw her hand shook worse than her son’s as she delicately took another sip of her steaming hot tea.

“I’m… I’m not sure.”

“Well, is there anything you want to ask me?”

“Ah… those rings for starters… are you married?”

“Yes, of course. I thought you knew that? I called and left voicemails after I sent you an invitation, but you never responded. In the end, it was just a small ceremony at City Hall. It didn’t seem right to have a bigger wedding without you there,” she said in a subdued tone that made Chase sad for them both.

“Okay, well, I didn’t listen to any voicemails, so I don’t know anything about your life either. Who are you married too?”

“Cyril.”

“Really? You’re still with that guy?”

“Yes, I am. He’s a good man, and he treats me well.”

“Oh, but Dad wasn’t a good man?” Hank asked sharply.

“Not to me, Hank,” she answered with her eyes downcast. “I’m sorry… I know how you feel about him, but I intend to be as honest with you as I can.”

“So you’re going to trash talk him now?”

Her head rose, and Chase saw defiance flash in her glorious eyes. She really was a striking woman.

“Either you want the truth or you don’t. I loved your father for a long time, but he pushed me away.”

“You’re kidding, right?” Hank asked with incredulity in his voice. “That’s sure not what I saw.”

“Then please tell me… what did you see?”

“You want the gory details?”

“Hank, I want us to be open and honest with each other.”

“Okay then, honest I will be. What I saw was a wife who cheated on her husband with our next door neighbor in plain view of everyone.”

“Plain view? I don’t—”

“Yes, Mother, as in out in the open, in broad daylight. You probably don’t know this, but if I put my face against the glass of my bedroom window, I could see you and Cyril having one of your little rendezvous, and if I could, then the neighbors could too.”

“What are you talking about? What rendezvous?”

“The shed in his back yard. I saw you two in there. You could have closed the damn door at least!”

Oh shit! Chase moved his hand from his lap over to Hank’s thigh and squeezed. “Hank, I know you’re upset, but keep your voice down.”

“Sorry,” he said harshly. He turned to Chase looking contrite, repeating, “Sorry,” but in a nicer tone.

Lilah appeared stunned by what Hank had said, but she didn’t back away from the conversation. “I don’t remember any such thing happening out there.”

“Well, trust me, I do.” Hank’s voice lowered even further. “Maybe I can refresh your memory. Your skirt was pulled up, and his hands were all over your ass, and you were kissing up a storm.”

Lilah, with an embarrassed flush, slumped back in her seat. “I’m sorry you saw me like that… I don’t remember it, but I believe you. Cyril and I did steal a few kisses after we fell in love, but never anything more than that while I lived in that house.”

“Seriously? Okay, well, that was one hell of a stolen kiss, and you made a public fool of my dad. They all knew about you and Cyril… what do you think that did to Dad… and me?” Hank put one hand on his forehead, and closed his eyes, as if the memory caused him pain. “Why did you do it, Mom?”

Lilah, so obviously shell-shocked, managed to regroup. “I loved Cyril, and he loved me, but there was more to it than that. Hank, look at me… please.”

Chase was holding his breath as he watched mother and son. It took a few seconds, but Hank finally did what she asked.

“I was still a young woman, and an attractive one to Cyril. Your father and I… we hadn’t had relations in the five years before I made my decision.”

“What? Come on… I don’t believe that!”

“It’s the truth, I swear, and do you know how that made me feel, to know your father didn’t want me anymore… that he wouldn’t touch me?”

“I can’t believe I’m hearing this! Okay… if what you say is true… then why? What the hell happened?”

“I can only guess. I thought it was because of his drinking, but the longer it went on, the more I wondered.”

“What the hell does that mean? Dad didn’t start drinking until after you left.”

“Oh, dear, no, that’s not true, and it’s my fault you believe that. No… listen to me. Your father always had a problem with alcohol, but he was what is called a functioning alcoholic. He could still go to work and do his job every day, and he could still be a wonderful father, but… he stopped being a husband.”

“Wait! For God’s sake, I lived in the same damn house… I would have known if—”

“No, you wouldn’t have, because I covered for him. Every night when he came home from work he would start, not that anyone but me could tell, and after you went to bed, he would go into his den and lock the door, and he would keep drinking until he passed out. Yet, he would get up at six, like clockwork, looking fresh as a daisy after his shower. That’s how you got to see him every morning, and I was the dutiful wife who rid his den of all the empty bottles, in the bin at the plaza down the street.”

“That’s not… it’s not what I remember.”

“I realize that, but I’m not lying, Hank. Your father drank every single evening, and refused to sleep in the same room with me no matter how many times I asked… but he was careful not to let you know that, and so was I.”

“I don’t understand. I never heard you fight, and I never saw him mean or—”

“He wasn’t mean, dear… but it hurts like nothing else when the person you love no longer wants you. The last time we were intimate was because I really wanted another child, so I begged him… but… he couldn’t function. It wasn’t the first time that happened, but it was the last. He wouldn’t try again, and that devastated me.”

Hank shook his head in disbelief. “So, you’re telling me Dad had a drinking problem the entire time you were married?”

She nodded. “It got worse every year, but yes, it didn’t take me long to realize he drank more than he should. As I said, though, he hid it well. No one knew but me… other than your Gran. We talked about it only once, not long before she passed, and she told me your grandfather was the same. He drank himself to death just like….”

“… Dad did,” Hank finished for her.

“Yes.”

“You should have told me.”

“You’re right. I see that now, but at the time, your father could do no wrong in your eyes, and I wasn’t about to punish you or him just because he didn’t love me. I thought you would come around when I left, but you didn’t—you were so angry—and I did still care about your father. I… I could have forced him to sell the house, and I could have forced custody, but I didn’t do either of those things. I didn’t want to ruin your life any more than….”

“Well, thank God for small favors,” Hank said with a snarl.

“Hank!” Chase blurted out, getting the man’s attention. “Remember why you’re here, okay?”

“Right. Sorry.” He looked contrite, but Chase wasn’t sure how long it would last.

“So… how can you say he didn’t love you?” Hank asked in a nicer tone. “I know he did, because he was heartbroken after you left. He would lock himself in his den every night and….” His voice trailed off, and the realization showed on his face. It hit Chase just as clearly, and he felt deep compassion for his ex.

“Do you see now? He might have loved me at one time, and he might even have missed having me around, but locking himself in that room was nothing new. It only seemed that way to you because I wasn’t around to cover for him anymore.”

“I can’t believe this. It’s not making any sense.”

“It didn’t to me either for a long time, but I’m telling you the truth. The fact is, I enabled him, and that did none of us any good.”

“Jesus!” Hank immediately lowered his voice to a hiss. “How do I know you’re being honest with me? He’s not here to defend himself, and—”

“I’m not lying, Hank.”

“Yeah, you said that already. And I’m supposed to just take your word? I know my dad… and you’ve had years to concoct this story and shift all the blame to him. It’s not fair. I never saw Dad cry until after you left.”

Hank was digging his heels in, ignoring the sense of it all, and Chase made the decision to step in again. “Come on, Hank. I get that you want to—”

“Stay out of this, Chase. You weren’t there… you never met him, and what she’s saying is—”

“Hey, you involved me in this. You asked me to come here, so don’t tell me to stay out of it.”

“I’m sorry. I appreciate you being here, but—”

“No buts! Lilah, can you excuse us?”

She nodded vigorously, her face having gone ashen.

“Come on, Hank, we’re going for a walk. Move!” Hank stood up quickly after Chase barked out his command.

It helped that the place was noisy enough they weren’t drawing much attention. Hank headed immediately for the front door and didn’t stop until he was past the corner of the building. Turning, he faced Chase. “I know you think I’m being an ass, but you have to understand Lilah is saying things that are the exact opposite of what I saw.”

Chase reeled in his temper. He’d been ready to blast the man, but as thick-headed as his ex was being, he’s just had the long-held image of his father rocked. “Is it really? Did you ever see them sharing the same bed?”

“Yes!”

“Oh really? When?”

“When I was a little kid, I used to play on the bed in between them, on the weekend, and then my dad would get up and make me breakfast.”

“That sounds nice. So what about when you were older? Did you ever see them in the same bed?”

Hank opened his mouth to speak, but hesitated. “I don’t… I guess not, but my dad always got up early. He was… he was already dressed when he came in to wake me up… he… he was a morning person.”

“You know, I couldn’t count the number of times I saw my mom and dad in the same bed, right up until she needed a hospital bed, and even then Dad would squeeze in beside her.”

“So? That doesn’t mean anything.”

“Okay, maybe not, but did you ever see them kiss in those last five years?”

Hank stared off in the distance before he finally met Chase’s eyes. “They didn’t do PDAs.”

“Don’t you think that means something?”

“I… I didn’t. Lots of couples are like that.”

Chase shrugged. “You said I didn’t know your dad, and I didn’t. I wish I had met him. Anyone you loved that much had to have been special.”

“He was a great dad, and he was always there for me. He never batted an eye when I told him I was gay.”

“I believe you, but that doesn’t mean he was a great husband. Hey, don’t get riled—I’m just trying to help.”

“Yeah, I know,” Hank said, and he seemed to deflate.

Chase was relieved to see Hank calming down. “So. Even though I never got to meet him, you told me a lot about what happened, and some of that stuff didn’t add up.”

“Like what? What didn’t add up?”

“How your dad all of a sudden became a drinker.”

“What’s so hard to believe about that? His cheating wife left him and he was heartbroken.”

“Come on, Hank. Who gets irreversible liver disease after only two and a half years of drinking? I’m no doctor, but that sounds unlikely. Doesn’t it strike you as backing up what your mom just said?”

“It didn’t at the time. It all happened so fast, and all I remember the doctors saying is he didn’t have much time left… and I remember all the blood when I found him on the floor. Five weeks later he was gone.”

“I’m sorry. I know that was devastating for you.”

“I was seventeen, and I didn’t have a parent,” he stated flatly, but Chase watched as emotion slammed into him, and tears began to spill out. Yet, the stubbornness in the man quickly rallied. “She has no right to trash him. She has her good life with what’s-his-name. My dad is dead and gone after being in so much pain he couldn’t move an inch without screaming unless he was pumped full of morphine. He was gone before he died,” Hank finished bitterly.

Chase reeled at Hank’s words—he could have been talking about his mother’s last days—but he had work to do. “And you’re blaming Lilah for that? Jesus, man. Their marriage fell apart, but she hung in there a long time before she found someone who could give her some happiness.”

“She cheated on him!”

“Maybe, or maybe it was a just few stolen kisses like she said, but so what if she did cheat? They hadn’t been husband and wife for years.”

“You’re taking her side?”

“No, Hank, you big, stupid moron, I’m taking your side. Good Lord, you’re like a dog with a bone.” He shook his head in disgust as Hank stared at him open-mouthed. “And another thing, that woman in there is nothing like you led me to believe. She’s a good person who loves you. And she didn’t try to force you to leave and come with her. She respected your wishes even though you were only fourteen. Do you realize how hard that must have been for her?”

“She had Cyril,” Hank uttered petulantly. “So, what, I’m supposed to feel sorry for her?”

“No, but you should fucking trust the mother who raised you. Loving your father doesn’t mean you can’t love her.”

The blood drained from Hank’s face, and Chase could see the uncertainty in his eyes before he spoke. “I told you I had a lot of anger towards her,” he said meekly.

“Yes, and I think it’s sad for both of you that you can’t let it go. You’re the one with trust issues, and nobody knows that better than I do.”

”Oh, so this is about you, now?”

Chase felt his frustration rise. “This is about you, Hank. You threw your mother away, and you….”

“Threw you away? That’s what you were going to say, right?”

Chase groaned, pissed at himself for going there. “It doesn’t matter… I shouldn’t have said that. You just said you didn’t have a parent, and that’s what this is about. You’re wrong—you have one sitting inside waiting for you to come back, and you need to make a decision. Keep being bitter and angry and hold onto some conclusions you jumped to years ago, or accept that the woman who raised you for fourteen years is someone you can trust.”

“So, you believe her?”

“Yes, and no matter what you think, I would never lie to you. You can trust Julio’s word for that if you don’t trust mine.” He instantly regretted the sarcastic slip. “Sorry… sorry… I guess I am having my own issues. Look, forget about everything else… I think she’s telling the truth… but it’s up to you to decide where you go from here.”

“You’re really angry with me,” Hank said in a small voice, barely above a whisper.

Chase immediately adjusted his tone. “No… I think I’m disappointed more than anything… that it took Julio for you to believe me, and it’s bleeding into this stuff with your mom. I’ll get over it. What’s important right now is Lilah… and you. You held out your hand when you called her, so let her take it. You can have your mother back—not all of us are so lucky.”

“Oh God! I’m so dense… I’m sorry, Chase, you’re right. Can I give you a hug?”

“Ah, sure.” Chase accepted it, but stepped away quickly. “Ready to do this?”

“I am. Thanks for the kick in the pants.”

“Anytime,” he said as cheekily as he could manage given the previous tension. He must have succeeded in easing Hank’s, because he chuckled as they walked back the way they had come.

 

When they sat back down at the table, Chase saw the fear in Lilah’s expression, and felt a surge of pity for her. Maybe she hadn’t handled things right in covering for her husband’s drinking, but she was only trying to protect her son, and who were they to judge.

“Are… are you okay, Hank?”

“Yeah. It was a lot to take in all at once, but Chase got me back on track. It might take me a while to get where I need to be, though.”

“Oh, good,” Lilah said with relief. “That’s fair—I know it’s not an easy thing to hear, and I should have told you sooner.”

“It’s okay… I know you tried to talk to me so many different times, but I closed myself off from you. That’s on me. I still have questions, but I do appreciate you being honest with me.”

“And I am so happy you reached out today. Hank, there is one more thing I think I should tell you.”

“Okay,” he said, drawing the word out.

“Do you remember the framed photo of your father and his old roommate from college?”

“Will? Yeah, it was always on the bookcase behind his desk… and it was important to him.”

“Yes, it was. I met Will when I first started dating your dad. He was pleasant enough, but very quiet. He’d say hi to me, but that’s about it.”

“What are you getting at, Mom?”

She sighed, taking a sip of tea before continuing. “I could tell Will didn’t like it when I was around their group of friends, but I was three years younger than them, so I assumed it had something to do with him seeing me as a kid.”

“Maybe he was just quiet like you said. I don’t see what—”

“I’m getting to it. That photo… one day it struck me how they looked so happy. I never saw your father with a smile like that in any of our photos.”

Hank turned to Chase, frowning before turning back to his mother. “Are you telling me Dad and Will had feelings for each other? That Dad was gay?”

“I’m not… I can’t be certain, but it would explain so many things.”

“Mom, seriously? Come on, that’s insane.”

He followed up with a scoffing noise, and an intrigued Chase nudged him with his elbow. “Just listen to her.”

“Should I go on?” Lilah asked, picking up her tea and putting it down without taking a sip.

“Go ahead, but don’t expect me to believe your crazy theory.”

God, the man was exasperating. “Hank, you wanted to clear the air with your mom.”

“I know, and I said go ahead. Jeez.”

Lilah looked back and forth between them, her lovely brows creased. “I’m only telling you this because I think it’s something you can handle, and I don’t want to hide anything from you.”

Hank nodded slowly as he met her direct gaze. “All right, fair enough… keep going, and I’ll listen.”

“Okay. So, I knew Will and your dad had a falling out, and that Will had switched rooms not long after we started getting serious, but Henry never told me why. He absolutely refused to talk about him. I saw Will around campus after that but he never acknowledged me… even when I said hello. Three months later, you were on your way, and your father and I got married.” She smiled, but it slipped quickly away.

“Anyway, one night when you were about eleven, I heard a loud crash that came from the den. You heard it too, because you opened your door, but I told you to go back to sleep. It scared me, though, so I went downstairs and listened at the door. I could hear some mumbling, and then I heard some choking noises, so I got worried. I had my own key to his office, so I ran to the kitchen and got it.”

Her expression changed to a pained one before she continued. “I peeked in to make sure he was okay. You’re right that your father wasn’t a crier, but he had that framed photo against his chest and he was leaning back in his chair, crying really hard and saying Will’s name over and over. He was obviously drunk, and I’m pretty sure he didn’t see me, so I closed the door quietly and went and sat in the living room for hours. I say I’m not certain, but that night I felt like I was."

Hank, with his mouth slightly open, leaned forward. So did Chase. Lilah had their attention.

“I went back and listened a few times, and finally heard snoring. The next day I found out what had made the noise… the glass was gone from the picture frame, and most of the pieces were in the wastebasket. The photo was back on the bookcase, so I cleaned up the rest of the glass and got a new piece from another frame and replaced it. I never said a word about it to Henry, and he didn’t bring it up either. I had no idea whether there’d ever been contact between your dad and Will over the years, but that night made me imagine all kinds of things.”

Chase felt Hank’s weight lean against him as they both sat back at the same time. It was as if he needed the contact. Chase returned the pressure as he contemplated what he’d just heard.

“Hank? Do you resent me telling you this?”

Hank didn’t answer the question, but he did speak, so softly Chase had to strain to hear him over the sounds going on in the coffee shop. “He asked me to put that photo in his casket when the time came, and I did. He made me promise, and I never thought of what it might mean. He was so sick when he asked, he could barely talk. He always said Will was the best friend he’d ever had. Man, was I stupid.”

“No, dear… you loved your dad, so why would you question his request? You didn’t know any of this until just now. Maybe… knowing you were gay… maybe it was his way of sharing an important part of himself with you while he could.”

Hank’s eyebrows rose, and he looked skeptical. Chase didn’t think it mattered whether Lilah was right or not—what mattered was how comforting she was trying to be for her son. In that moment, seeing her gentle compassion, he had no doubt he would’ve enjoyed having her as his mother-in-law.

“You didn’t answer me. Do you wish I hadn’t told you?”

Hank blew out a long breath. “No, as much as it freaked me out at first, I’m glad you did. For years I never understood much of anything, so I jumped to my own conclusions, as Chase has pointed out to me. It’s not the only time I’ve been guilty of that, and it’s come at a cost. I’m… I just feel bad that Dad was so sad. I didn’t notice anything until after you left, and I thought it was all about losing you.”

“You gave him joy, never doubt that, and it was right that you stayed with him. As much as I hated it, I knew he needed you. I did too, but he needed you more. I had no idea his liver was that bad, but I wasn’t surprised when I learned of it. He had a disease, and that wasn’t your fault or mine.”

“I guess he was good at hiding things. Do you think he drank because of Will, or did he inherit it from his father?”

“I don’t know… maybe both. Are you worried you could follow in his footsteps?”

The question was met with an extended silence as Hank leaned forward again, focused on his now clasped hands.

It began to scare Chase. “Hank, are you thinking you could be like him? I’ve certainly never seen anything to indicate you might be… I mean, you’ve never thought much of people drinking, right?”

Hank turned to him, and his expression was thoughtful. Their eyes met and held. “No. No matter how bad things got—no matter how sad I’ve been—I’ve never wanted to drown my sorrows in booze. I’m still the same, in that regard at least. Trust me.” A small, sad smile played briefly on his lips.

“I believe you.” Sorrows? Was Hank talking about them?

“Oh, I’m so thankful to hear that?” Lilah said, bringing Hank’s attention back to her.

“Were you worried about that?”

“It’s always been in the back of my mind, but that was because I didn’t know what was going on in your life. You wouldn’t let me in.”

Hank sighed, and then nodded. “Let’s see if we can change that, okay?”

“I’d like that very much.”

“Me too, Mom.”

Chase was enthralled as he watched Hank’s hand reach over and cover his mother’s. Tension he’d been holding onto, left his body. As long as he’d known Hank, he’d hoped for just this moment, and now that it was here, he was glad he got to witness it. Mothers and sons… in his experience, it was a relationship to be treasured.

 

*

  

Thanks for reading. What did you think after hearing Lilah's story? Please share your thoughts with us if you can, and leave a 'like' on the front story page if you are enjoying this story. Also, thanks to my editor, Timothy M., for his stellar work. Cheers!
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  On 4/21/2020 at 1:26 AM, Wesley8890 said:

I mean you could if you wanted to... I honestly dont think he'll do something to cost this relationship with his mum. I honestly think chase saying "you can have your mother back, some of us arent so lucky" made something click inside of hank. 

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Yes, that's a great point. I think we saw that Chase's opinion still carries a lot of weight with Hank. I think we saw that in part when he called Chase and asked if he would come with him to see his mom for the first time. And we saw it again in this chapter. It might not mean a lot, but it means something. I don't think Hank will want to lose this new connection with his mother.  Click. :)  

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  On 4/21/2020 at 1:29 AM, Wesley8890 said:

Of course it takes a bit of work from chase as well. It will be hard but he needs to let stuff go too. Maybe this convo helped chase see how broken hank really is

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Another good point, Wes. Chase is pretty angry about what Hank held back, but holding onto it won't do him any good either. And yeah, I think he saw a lot more of where Hank is at the moment... and broken is an apt word. :) 

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  On 4/21/2020 at 1:38 AM, Headstall said:

Another good point, Wes. Chase is pretty angry about what Hank held back, but holding onto it won't do him any good either. And yeah, I think he saw a lot more of where Hank is at the moment... and broken is an apt word. :) 

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😂i started to put the i read it reaction to this reply but thought better of it

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  On 4/21/2020 at 1:38 AM, Headstall said:

Another good point, Wes. Chase is pretty angry about what Hank held back, but holding onto it won't do him any good either. And yeah, I think he saw a lot more of where Hank is at the moment... and broken is an apt word. :) 

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Hank was broken; he hit rock bottom. Now, however, I’d say he’s haunted — by the mistakes he made, by the people he hurt in his righteousness, by the loneliness of waking up alone, and more. Faults he’s trying to work on.

Today was a minor setback in how he reacted, but Chase’s form hand and Lilah’s patience helped him through that. He also had a momentary setback with Chase that they talked about and will hopefully continue to have a conversation about later on. (How upset he was over Chase being angry with him, how worried he was over Chase’s feelings, by the way, was one more piece of proof Hank needs Chase in his life.)

For some reason I’m protective of Hank? What the what? Him being called broken made me want to cut a bitch. The things you do to me, Gary. You too, Wes.

fist shake GIF

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  On 4/21/2020 at 3:20 AM, Danners said:

Hank was broken; he hit rock bottom. Now, however, I’d say he’s haunted — by the mistakes he made, by the people he hurt in his righteousness, by the loneliness of waking up alone, and more. Faults he’s trying to work on.

Today was a minor setback in how he reacted, but Chase’s form hand and Lilah’s patience helped him through that. He also had a momentary setback with Chase that they talked about and will hopefully continue to have a conversation about later on. (How upset he was over Chase being angry with him, how worried he was over Chase’s feelings, by the way, was one more piece of proof Hank needs Chase in his life.)

For some reason I’m protective of Hank? What the what? Him being called broken made me want to cut a bitch. The things you do to me, Gary. You too, Wes.

fist shake GIF

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Aww i do things to you. Fun pleasant things?

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  On 4/21/2020 at 3:20 AM, Danners said:

Hank was broken; he hit rock bottom. Now, however, I’d say he’s haunted — by the mistakes he made, by the people he hurt in his righteousness, by the loneliness of waking up alone, and more. Faults he’s trying to work on.

Today was a minor setback in how he reacted, but Chase’s form hand and Lilah’s patience helped him through that. He also had a momentary setback with Chase that they talked about and will hopefully continue to have a conversation about later on. (How upset he was over Chase being angry with him, how worried he was over Chase’s feelings, by the way, was one more piece of proof Hank needs Chase in his life.)

For some reason I’m protective of Hank? What the what? Him being called broken made me want to cut a bitch. The things you do to me, Gary. You too, Wes.

fist shake GIF

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:rofl:   God you're funny. Hey, I'm in Hank's corner as much as you are, and I said broken is an apt word, because he has been broken. Ever since the night of the proposal be's been broken, but he's made strides... like therapy... like telling his friends he was wrong about Chase cheating... like reaching out to his mom... asking Chase to go with him, which I think was a big deal... and apologizing for the mistake e made. He did listen, and he did take crap from Chase... recognizing it was for his own good. All of these and more are positives. He's in the process of putting himself back together. :)  There, so don't cut me, okay? And you shouldn't cut Wes either... not too badly anyway... :P  :hug: 

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A second reading let me see how Chase is now the strong one, taking care of Hank.  Of course the circumstances are different, but it's nice to see that Chase can be there for Hank when Hank needs him.

It also occurs to me that one of the reasons his connection with Charles means so much to Hank is that Charles fills part of the gap left by Henry's death.  I wonder if Chase couldn't form a similar connection with Lilah that might help ease his loss of Christine.

I'm still haunted by the story of Henry and Will.  Of course, Gary has left it ambiguous what was really going on with Henry, but to a gay man of my generation, the story is all too familiar.  One of the best reasons to stop stigmatizing homosexuality is how it causes just this kind of destruction in people's lives.  It wasn't just Henry and Will who suffered, but also Lilah, Hank, and Chase.

Looking back, I can see that it was a real blessing that marriage (with a woman, I mean) was never an option in my own case.  At least that fact saved me from wreaking the kind of pain and chaos that Henry did.  Because I was too weak to resist the pressure to conform, if conformity had been at all possible.  Those were not good times for gay people.  There were just no good options back then.

Edited by BigBen
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  On 4/21/2020 at 4:06 AM, spikey582 said:

I’ve been reading the last few chapters so much later after you’ve posted them that I’m seeing a lot of my thoughts already being expressed by others.  This story is so good, and yet often so depressing.  I found myself smiling so much last chapter, and yet I had a bit of a sick feeling in my stomach for a lot of this chapter.  

Hank did throw his mom away, and did throw Chase away.  It has actually been to Chase’s benefit, as his friends have been so impressed with his growth, and Hank obviously is too.  Just seeing him take charge and talk sense into Hank is something he never would have done before their breakup.  It’s quite a mark of his development.  And I’ll again reiterate, he’s still at this point too good for Hank.  

Sure the guy has taken steps to get help, but these ridiculous realities he creates in his mind and his absolute conviction to these realities, despite his cripplingly flawed thinking, is extremely unhealthy.  He wasn’t convinced Dawson wasn’t Chase’s boyfriend until the dude moved to the other side of the country.  He wasn’t convinced Chase didn't lie about “that” night until Julio told him.  He still isn’t entirely convinced that his father didn’t develop liver cirrhosis in two years, which I think would be pretty much impossible.  Until Hank can somehow stop being so sure of his fictional convictions, he’s not great boyfriend material for anyone.  

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Hey, spikeman! I get where you're coming from. It must be hard, though, to be wrong about so many things. I do feel sorry for Hank, but I also get why he made his assumptions. With his family, he was kept in the dark, even at fourteen. He should have been told the truth, yet I don't fault Lilah. She did what her motherly instincts told her to do. She was in an impossible situation in many ways... and hindsight is a great thing. And now Hank finally knows the truth. That was because of steps HE took. I give him credit for that. 

We can all come at how he reacted to the kiss and the rejection of his proposal from different directions, and our points would all have validity. Most important is that know we have the whole story, and why Hank had the deep-seated issues with cheating he did. He saw something that scarred him terribly. Even more important is that Hank has all the information now. His past did cripple him once his world was turned upside down for the second time... but it doesn't take away from the fact he was an amazing partner to Chase when he needed him. That said, it was a relationship that needed all these changes you mention. Chase has become strong and confident, but still can care about Hank. He's grown up and he's not bitter. Hank, I believe has learned from that... or he's starting to. 

He lost a hero today, but the hero part was a lie. Yet, he gained a parent as well, if he can get there. I think he can. And maybe he's not good boyfriend material now, but if he keeps on his path, I think one day he will be again. My fingers are crossed for the guy. Thanks, buddy... great to hear from you, as always. Okay... past my bedtime. Take care and stay safe. G :hug: 

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  On 4/21/2020 at 4:19 AM, BigBen said:

A second reading let me see how Chase is now the strong one, taking care of Hank.  Of course the circumstances are different, but it's nice to see that Chase can be there for Hank when Hank needs him.

It also occurs to me that one of the reasons his connection with Charles means so much to Hank is that Charles fills part of the gap left by Henry's death.  I wonder if Chase couldn't form a similar connection with Lilah that might help ease his loss of Christine.

I'm still haunted by the story of Charles and Will.  Of course, Gary has left it ambiguous what was really going on with Charles, but to a gay man of my generation, the story is all too familiar.  One of the best reasons to stop stigmatizing homosexuality is how it causes just this kind of destruction in people's lives.  It wasn't just Henry and Will who suffered, but also Lilah, Hank, and Chase.

Looking back, I can see that it was a real blessing that marriage (with a woman, I mean) was never an option in my own case.  At least that fact saved me from wreaking the kind of pain and chaos that Henry did.  Because I was too weak to resist the pressure to conform, if conformity had been at all possible.  Those were not good times for gay people.  There were just no good options back then.

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Henry and Will haunt me too, Ben. I, as well, know hard those times were. As you say, there were not good times for us. Henry was one of many who just survived, trying to be the best they could be while carrying around a heart with a hole in it. He did what he was 'supposed to' and therein lies the sadness. Why should anyone else get to decide what we are 'supposed' to do. or who we should love. I suspect Will spent many years with a broken heart... I hope he at least, found peace with someone else. Yet, I wouldn't be surprised if he followed a similar path. 

Chase has definitely beaten his demons. We've watched him open up, seek help, and flourish. I hope Hank is taking notes... but there is no denying he is changing too. Today was proof of that. We don't know yet if they can ever be close friends, but their bond was on display for Lilah. 

Yeah, both Charles and Christine were surrogate parents for Hank. They loved him and he loved them. I truly believe Christine's death and Charles' disappearance from daily life affected Hank almost as much as it did Chase. The difference was, he had to be strong for Chase at the time, but he was grieving too... in his stoic way. 

Great comment, bud. Thanks... time for this old guy to get to bed... :hug: 

 

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I liked Hank's mom. Her side of the story makes sense. I also wonder what she would gain by making it all up. Especially knowing how Hank feels. And Hank has already shown his anger and stubbornness. I know Chase would like to get back together with Hank, but maybe he would be better off if they became friendly, but he looked elsewhere for romance. It seems Chase has grown a lot after being dumped. He is more independent and has a lot to offer. I'm looking forward to see what's next.  Thanks. 

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I am glad that Hank has finally met his mother and listened to her side of why her marriage failed, it’s such a shame that Hank’s father never pursued another relationship for himself instead of taking to the bottle, what a waste of a life, hopefully now Hank and his mum can move forward and build a relationship with each other, and let go of the anger and blame of her for his parents marriage breakdown, there are always two sides to why things haven’t worked out.

I think that Chase and Hank might get back together again, whether or not that’s a good thing remains to be seen. 

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  On 4/21/2020 at 4:19 AM, BigBen said:

It also occurs to me that one of the reasons his connection with Charles means so much to Hank is that Charles fills part of the gap left by Henry's death.  I wonder if Chase couldn't form a similar connection with Lilah that might help ease his loss of Christine.

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That would be WONDERFUL!!
 

  8 hours ago, BigBen said:

I'm still haunted by the story of Charles and Will.  Of course, Gary has left it ambiguous what was really going on with Charles, but to a gay man of my generation, the story is all too familiar.  One of the best reasons to stop stigmatizing homosexuality is how it causes just this kind of destruction in people's lives.  It wasn't just Henry and Will who suffered, but also Lilah, Hank, and Chase.

 

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There is a heartfelt sympathy in my soul for marginalized populations and the struggle endured to just be.
 I’ve always felt like a rounded square trying to fit into a perfectly round hole....not the least of which is because I’m a black woman who doesn’t really conform to the perceptions or expectations general society has of a black woman.  (sometimes even among my “own”)

At times, I wrap my differentness around me like a favorite blanket;  Other times, my unique mantle feels like wet wool upon my shoulders;  Depends on the day, depends on my mood.  

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  On 4/21/2020 at 4:34 AM, Headstall said:

He lost a hero today, but the hero part was a lie. Yet, he gained a parent as well, if he can get there. I think he can. And maybe he's not good boyfriend material now, but if he keeps on his path, I think one day he will be again. My fingers are crossed for the guy. Thanks, buddy... great to hear from you, as always. Okay... past my bedtime. Take care and stay safe. G :hug: 

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I like to think he recognized that his hero was his mother, instead of his father.

His life blew up at fourteen because of what he thought his mother did-but it was his father’s actions that destroyed his family.

  His mother gave him fourteen years of a solid foundation in the guise of a happy childhood  (at great cost) and never gave up on the hope of reconciling with her only child. 

To me, that actually goes beyond heroic.

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I of course meant Henry and Will.  I fixed the original post.

 

  On 4/21/2020 at 9:16 AM, Bft said:

it’s such a shame that Hank’s father never pursued another relationship for himself instead of taking to the bottle

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That's a great thought, but unfortunately, I see two problems with it.  The first is that Henry appears to have been an alcoholic, though Gary never states that definitively.  And the problem with that is that once an alcoholic takes to the bottle, the bottle ends up taking him, usually with fatal results, as we see in this story.  Had Henry not been an alcoholic, he might have eventually been able to pull out of it and get back on track.  Unfortunately, barring a miracle, an alcoholic in the grips of the disease is incapable of escaping without help.

The other problem is that Henry appears to have grown up with the attitudes that were generally inculcated in gay men and women when I was a child.  That he had a close relationship with Will is one thing, but while Gary again does not give us a definitive answer, it does appear that, like many gay men I've known, he did his best to repudiate his nature and be "normal."  It's possible that his connection with Lilah is what drove Will away.  If he was trying desperately to be heterosexual, then that precludes a relationship with another man, and Lilah's testimony is that he couldn't even get an erection when she begged him for a second child, and I doubt things would have been any better with another woman.  (Not that the alcohol was helping, either.)

I have a lot of identification with Henry here, because the path he took in life was the path I would absolutely have taken, had it been at all possible, and his end would most likely have been mine.  I'm really grateful that, if I had to be gay in the first place, at least I was so far at the end of the Kinsey scale that I had no hope of even trying to fake it with a woman.  And fortunately that was very clear even during the horniest part of my teenaged hormonal phase.  Given the ages of the characters in this story, Henry would have been born at a time when things were beginning to improve, but he could easily have been indoctrinated with all the old, toxic attitudes.  And obviously, he was functional enough with women (at least at first) to get someone pregnant.  And the result was one screwed-up young man, who is only now beginning to recognize how badly he was screwed up by his parents' situation.

This is a really sad reminder of how bad things used to be for gay people.  With all the problems and prejudices still remaining, our condition has improved enormously, thanks be to God.

Edited by BigBen
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