The Wink - 12. Chapter 12

12.1 Kathy finds the Flyer

She sat in a state of total confusion. No . . . more than confusion. Fear, anger, bewilderment, and unbelieving. She’d put the offending article on the kitchen table and couldn’t bring herself to look at it again. She’d seen enough anyway, and the contents were plastered in her mind.

Kathy, being bored in her confinement, had gone looking for things to do. Knowing Jason was always short of hankies, and always ferreted them away in his pockets, she decided to empty all pockets of his trousers, jackets, shorts and winter-wear. From one of his warm winter jackets the leaflet had fallen out. She took a cursory glance at the contents, and was about to throw the item away when the full impact hit her.

It was for a gay men’s Club in Seaford and advertised opening times and facilities offered. By itself it would’ve been suspicious, but the address given was exactly where Jason had been assaulted.

The implications could not be ignored. She began to cry, softly at first, then louder and in anger, crying out Jason! Jason! Jason! Calming down a little she realized she needed to talk to someone before confronting Jason. No . . . not her mother, and definitely not her in-laws – well, just not yet – who? . . . . Rhonda, yes Rhonda. She could talk to Jason’s sister. This was too big to go off half-cocked. She had to be sure and get guidance before facing up to Jason. She called Rhonda’s number which went through to voice-mail. To be certain she left a text message. And then settled down to wait . . . to an agonizing wait.

Jason Gay? He couldn’t be gay, could he? Perhaps it was just experimentation; after all he’d sired a child. He didn’t look or sound gay, did he? I’ve met gay boys before and they all sounded and looked faggy, nothing like Jason. But the evidence, first the assault and then the brochure. It looked ominous. What if Jason denies it? Will the suspicion go away? No . . . no, it won’t. If he admits, what then? We couldn’t continue as a married couple, not as husband and wife. Oh, my gawd, this is a disaster. I love you Jason; why do this to me, to our child, to our family, to our extended family. Did you know when we married? If you did, how could you make those marriage vows when all the time you knew they were lies, lies, lies? Why did you lie to me, Jason?

All though that terrible afternoon, Kathy sat sometimes weeping, sometimes angry, sometimes in denial, but all the time dreading the truth.

12.2 Rhonda visits Kathy

Rhonda got Kathy’s strange message as soon as she finished school; she called her immediately. With Kathy sounding awful, she rushed around to her sister-in-law’s house without going home. Now she sat facing a distraught Kathy with the offending article, and the dreaded subject, on the table between them.

She was really frightened. She had to tell the truth; she couldn’t lie to Kathy who deserved to know the truth. It wasn’t her problem, but it now was a problem, because she’d been asked point-blank for her opinion.

‘(Pleading) Rhonda, Rhonda, please say something. I’m going out of my mind. What does this mean?’

‘Kathy, don’t you think you should be asking Jason, not me. I don’t want to get in the middle of a husband and wife discussion. It’s not fair that . . .’

‘(Astonished) Discussion? Fair? Is that all you can say. He’s my husband but he’s also your brother and I know he confides in you. I need to know the truth; I must know the truth. You must tell me everything you know. Please Rhonda, please.’

‘Sorry Kathy, it’s not my place. I’m going to ring Jason . . .’

As Kathy dialed Jason’s mobile, Kathy responded,

‘You haven’t denied it have you? You must know something otherwise you’d be pounding the table in defense . . .’

‘Hi Jason, it’s Rhonda (Kathy sat silently staring at Rhonda) Yeah, I’m OK . . . no, I’m not. Look somethings come up and you need to come home right now . . .’

Jason wiped grease from his hand onto a rag as he responded

‘(Concerned) Hey sister, what’s the problem? You sound distraught. Where are you now? What’s so important? Is it Kathy? Is it the baby? Tell me; you’ve got me worried.’

‘I’m at your place now with Kathy, and you need to come home now and handle this. It’s not my place to interfere.’

‘Not to interfere in what? What are you talking about? I’m busy at work and just can’t leave to go home on a whim. C’mon little sister you know the drill.’

‘Jason it’s serious. I’m sitting here with Kathy. She found something in your pocket that needs explaining . . . by you. Please come home now. It is an emergency.’

On hearing Rhonda’s last words, a dreadful fear descended on Jason. His heart-rate soared and he felt sick. Just Rhonda’s tone struck terror through him. The moment that he’d dreaded had come. Or so it seemed. He hurriedly washed up, told his boss he had to go home for a domestic crisis, and then drove with a leaden stomach back home.

But there was something else. Criminal psychologists have identified a syndrome where offenders want their long-term criminal activities to be exposed. It seems the burden of carrying a nasty secret can overwhelm the offender and the need to confess becomes overpowering. This condition began to manifest with Jason. If it turns out Kathy had stumbled on his being gay, and the tone from Rhonda seemed to point that way, then it’s better to face up now rather than later. In any event, he doubted he had the courage to make a voluntary confession. In other words, let the initiative pass to someone else.

Nonetheless, he drove like a robot with the feeling his world was about to end. In a sense he was right.

In the meantime, across the kitchen table, Kathy glared angrily at Rhonda.

‘(Hissing) You knew! You knew he’s a poofter; you knew he’s a faggott all this time and yet you said nothing. Oh, you’re so high and mighty with god and your church, that you’d lie to protect your own. I’m disgusted! I’m disgusted . . .’

‘STOP IT KATHY! There’s no need to use bad names and I’m not saying anything more until you talk to Jason. I’m not going to get involved; it’s between you and Jason – no one else. I’m going to wait outside until Jason arrives. It’s between you and him, Kathy. I understand how upset you must be, and I wish I could help but you must understand I’m an outsider and, . . . and, it’s simply not my place. I’ll go . . .’

‘(Contritely) No, stay there. I’m sorry, and . . . I’m frightened, really frightened. (choke) let me make a cup of coffee. I’m sorry I didn’t do that before. My apologies.’

An uneasy silence descended. Rhonda sat quietly as Kathy fussed around making coffee. Just as she placed a cup in front of Rhonda, the front door opened and Jason walked in.

Up till now, whenever Jason closed the front door, he had the feeling of being home. Home, the place to relax, the place to forget the daily troubles, the place to cuddle his wife, and the place to feel love. Not so now. He felt as if he was entering someone else’s house. The atmospherics were cold, gloomy, and threatening. He girded his loins; this was going to be nasty.

The kitchen scene would always be implanted in his mind. Kathy and Rhonda sat opposite each other cradling coffee mugs engraved with a floral design. Obviously. a wedding gift from someone. They were much too floury for Jason, his preference being a mug emblazoned with a footy jumper and a muscled male arm in place of a handle.

Then he glimpsed the item in the middle, and he knew the game was up. He recognized the pamphlet immediately and cursed himself for forgetting to throw it away. He remembered folding it and putting it in his parka sometime previously. He immediately sought eye contact with his wife, and avoided Rhonda’s anguished face.

‘Well, I’m home,’ was all he could manage. Kathy turned tormented eyes towards him and,

‘(Hissing) Are you a poofter?’

Rhonda went to object, but Jason signaled her to stop. An incredible silence descended, saturated with the same apprehension that exists before a capital jury verdict is pronounced. Jason took the third chair, went to take Kathy’s hand, but this was hurriedly snatched away. With emotional as well as physical pain writ all over his face, Jason looked into Kathy’s eyes. They waited,

‘(Tenderly) Yes, in a sense you could say I’m gay. (Kathy went to interrupt) No, please, hear me out. . .. (pause) . . . I love you Kathy, always have, always will, but I’m just more attracted sexually to males. Yes, before you scream at me, I knew this when I married you, but I honestly thought my love for you would overcome my sexual problems. NO please, I’m not finished . . . I need you to believe that I do love you and the new bubby, I really do. I honestly don’t know what to do about my gay desires. If there was a pill to take or any other procedure that would change my orientation, I would gladly undertake treatment. (pause, while the two women stared at him) I’m probably saying this all wrong (sigh) I’m struggling for the right words when perhaps there aren’t any right words. What I’ve told you is the truth.’

‘(Screeching) TRUTH! YOU TALK ABOUT TRUTH! You’ve been lying to me since we’ve been married and certainly long before. Just recently you lied to me, to your family, to the police and to my own family about being attacked. AND WE BELIEVED YOU! (glaring at Jason) So you were at that horrible place, that Sauna, weren’t you? I take it you had sex, probably unprotected (Rhonda leaned forward to hear Jason’s response) . . . ‘

‘(Softly) No, I never had unprotect . . .’

‘(Ignoring Jason) So you exposed both me and my baby to AIDS and to other venereal diseases. (yelling) WHAT WERE YOU THINKING, JASON! How could you, how could you rotten bastard, how could you . . .’

At this point Kathy dissolved into a torrent of tears, shrugging off both Jason’s and Rhonda’s attempt to placate her. Brother and sister just exchanged worried glances. It hurt Jason to see and hear his wife so desolate; a victim of his cowardice. Or is cowardice too simple an explanation. Perhaps the real culprit is the way society treats homosexuals, but such intellectual arguments pale in significance when listening to a distraught mother-to-be.

The silence continued, only disturbed by Kathy’s chocking sobs. Eventually,

‘Jason, you know what must be done now, don’t you? (Jason nodded) You must tell mum and dad; there’s no way you can keep this hidden. I’ll call Kathy’s mother to come and look after her, while you and I head over. (Despairing) Oh, shit brother dear, I can’t imagine how you must feel. It’s not that you’ve done anything wrong; I really believe what you said about loving Kathy but then having a sexual attraction to males. You can’t change that any more than I could become gay. That I understand.’

‘(miserable) Thanks, but our father won’t. He’s going to be enraged when he finds out his son is a poofter. Anyway, it’s a good idea to call Abigail (Kathy’s mother) and ask her to come over quickly. I’ll have to find a place to stay tonight, so I’ll have to make some calls. When you know Abigail’s on the way, we’ll drive over to our place. I’ll wait outside.’

Whilst Rhonda made the call, Jason sat in the lounge area and called Eric. In a few short words he explained the situation and Eric readily agreed that he could stay at his place, should the worst come to the worst.

What am I gonna say to the folks? There’s only one way and that’s to tell the truth. No more hiding, no more lying, no more being closeted, no more fear of discovery; no more fear. I’ll assume the worst, being shunned, being cast away, being condemned, being despised. In a sense it’s out of my hands now; I just must endure the unendurable

His musings were cut short when Rhonda came out to say that Abigail was on her way. So, without saying anything to a distressed Kathy they drove, in separate cars, to their parent’s home.

12.3 Jason tells parents

If the room got any colder, icicles would start to form. A chill saturated the room and permeated through every corner. The occupants, speechless and unmoving, resembled a frozen tabloid. Two pairs of eyes stared unbelievingly at the person who had just uttered the unthinkable. The room contained a three-seater lounge and two single seaters. Both Andersons had occupied the three-seater with Jason and Rhonda taking the two single seaters. Jason, his eyes downcast, simply waited for the explosion, whilst Rhonda looked at him with concern.

There was a silence so deep even the leaves rustling outside could be heard. Then into that silence came a soft moaning,

‘No, no, no . . . please god no. Please god, no, no, no . . .’

Gloria Anderson, with a vacant stare, cried in disbelief. On the other hand, the elder Anderson, with mounting rage, glared at his son, disbelief writ large across his face. Then he sprang out of his chair and exploded.

‘YOU DISGUSTING LITTLE PARASITE! A POOFTER, A FAGGOTT. You sit there and tell me you’ve chosen to join that special class of sinners that GOD despises. DISGUSTING! What about your wife? What about your child? What about your mother? I will not have a poofter as a member of my family; YOU HEAR? If you think I’ll buy your pathetic story that you love Kathy but are sexually attracted to other men, well forget it! Having made your choice . . .’

‘DAD, STOP! Don’t say those things about Jason. He’s your son . . .’

‘NO, HE’S NOT! I don’t have a son who’s chosen to be a faggott. I’ll sever . . .’

‘SHUT IT FATHER. SHUT IT! You know Jason didn’t make a choice. People are born Gay; there’s no choice . . .’

‘DON’T YOU DARE TELL ME TO SHUT IT! Why are you taking his side? Don’t you feel shame; the shame that he’s brought to our whole family. I can’t imagine what Kathy’s parents are going to think. And the congregation; what about the people that look to me for guidance. How many times have I warned them about these filthy people and now I find the evil sickness has permeated my own family? I’ll never be able to preach again; you hear, I’ll never be able to preach again.’

‘HEY THERE! It’s not about you, father dear, it’s about your son; the son that up until 15 minutes ago you were so proud of. All I hear is about poor you. WELL, I’M PROUD OF JASON because he’s had the guts to tell you his worst secret knowing you’d react cruelly. I’m disgusted with you, fa . . .’

‘(Piercing scream) AHHHHHHhhh! It’s all my fault! It’s all my fault! Had I known I would have strangled you at birth. I won’t have a gay son. I’ll have to kill myself because I can’t . . .’

‘STOP MOTHER! STOP! You’re not gonna kill yourself, nor would you murder your own flesh and blood. FUCK! I can’t believe this family. You blab about being good Christians and yet you’re behaving like barbarians, just because your son had to finally admit to being his true self. What about Jason? What about Jason, your son? He’s had to live with this problem for years and years. Can you not just try and see it from his viewpoint, rather than just thinking about yourselves. You’re supposed to be his parents; people he should be able to come to with any problem. He didn’t because you’re both failures as parents! And father SIT DOWN; try and be civil.’

Gloria gasped.

Through all this Jason sat immobile. He knew it would be bad, but wasn’t prepared for this level of venom. There was nothing he could do or say that would calm the situation. Rhonda’s outburst brought silence.

And then,

‘(Drained) I’m sorry I said those things, son. I’m shocked is all. I’m trying to understand what you said about loving Kathy but with no sexual attraction. How can that be, I mean help me please Jason to understand?’

‘(Wearily) I don’t understand myself how you can love someone but not be sexually attracted. Mother, I’ve known I was different since being young. At first, I didn’t know what it was, but around seven or so I heard others talking and then realized I was . . . I was . . . Gay. It terrified me. Every time father thundered about gay people in church I cringed with guilt and self-hatred.’

‘(Denunciating) You have less to worry about hating yourself but more about GOD HATING YOU. YOU’RE GOING TO HELL; you’re going to roast in the deepest hottest part of hell for eternity. ‘

‘(Reproachful) HOW COULD YOU SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT TO YOUR OWN FLESH AND BLOOD. You’re evil, father, pure evil. You call yourself a Christian, HAH! I thought Christianity’s about love, not ranting hatred. You’re not worthy. . .’

‘(Angry) STOP! How dare you speak to me like that. Remember I’m your father and demand respect . . .’

‘You call yourself a father? You demand respect? Then start acting like a father, not judge and executioner. I’m starting to hate the bible and all the crap inside because it provokes hatred, not love and respect for others. I’ve listened to your rants about Gay people with disgust; you sound like some rabble-rousing mad idiot . . .’

‘(Pleading) Please, please enough! Let’s talk this out like civilized persons and stop all this nastiness. I want to speak to my son calmly. (pause) . . . Jason, son, . . . you say you’re . . . gay . . . but you still love Kathy (Jason nodded)? Please forgive what I said earlier; I was brought up to believe that being . . . gay . . . was evil and against god’s wishes. But I’m not some woolly-headed female who knows nothing of the world around us; I do know that the gay movement is getting more and more acceptance. Now having said that I want to ask a favour, please . . .’

As Gloria spoke the temperature started to thaw somewhat; Rhonda and Jason leaned forward to better hear what she had to say.

‘. . . I’ve heard that the church has a programme to help gay people to overcome their lifestyle. What I’m asking, for my sake only, that you give this a try before doing anything rash. If, as you say, you still love Kathy then surely all is not lost. Love is a wonderful sentiment, it’s a powerful emotion and can work miracles. I want you to try, please, if only for my sake . . .’

‘Mother, those places have got a bad name. Psychiatrists have condemned their practices as harmful and futile. Do you want to subject Jason to such evil experimentation? He could be harmed for life . . .’

‘Or he could be saved to live a normal life with Kathy and his child. All I ask is that you give the church a try; is it too much for a mother to ask?’

‘(Forcefully) (sitting down) Now your mother has a good point. On my part I insist you go to this remedial program before any disastrous decisions are made. I said insist and insist I mean. If you do not choose to seek help, I will sever all relations with you, I’ll cut you out of my will, I’ll ensure your children will never get to know their grandparents and I’ll do everything necessary to blacken your name. I’ll announce from the pulpit that you have been cast out from this family, and the reason why. I’ll approach your boss and ask him to pressure you to leave. Hear me?’

‘(Close to tears) Oh my god . . .’

‘Don’t you dare invoke god! Right now, you’re on your way to hell along with all the other evildoers. God will only help you if you confess your sins and plead for forgiveness. Remember also YOU LIED TO US about being attacked. You’re a liar and a sinner. I’m disgusted. I’m ashamed to be your father.’

‘(Revulsion) I’m sitting here in total disbelief. Jason is my brother and I love him. Yet you, (pointing an accusing finger) you, who’s supposed to love and protect your children, are invoking actions that could lead to Jason topping himself. You’d willingly destroy him? Why, I don’t understand? You frighten me; if it were I sitting in Jason’s chair, I understand you’d do the same to me.’

‘(Sternly) Peeter, please no more nasty language. Even I, over the years, have been ashamed of the way you vilify people using god’s book. I wasn’t brought up to live the kind of religion you project. I believe my God is a loving god who loves everyone, especially sinners. SO SHUT IT, MISTER! Now I am going to ask that you contact George and get Jason into the church program. If you don’t I will! Now (turning to Jason) Jason, please do this for me. I’m appealing to you as your mother. Please dear, will you give it a try?’

Jason Anderson by this time was weary and defeated. He had no doubt his father would do the things he’d threatened. He so admired his mother who was only asking him to try. If he didn’t, he would hurt her, and his father would let loose the hounds of hell. What a choice!

‘(Sounding broken) OK mother, just for you I’ll do it. Just tell me what I must do, just give me the details. I don’t want to sit in with George; I’ll let you make the arrangements. I’m so tired.’

‘(Agonised) OH Jason, please think about what you’re getting into. I’ve heard very bad things about these places and programmes. Don’t take any notice of dad, he’s just a blowhard. How any parent could threaten their child with such dire consequences, is something I’ll never understand . . .’

‘Young lady, don’t you ever think for one moment I won’t do what I said. I mean it . . . all of it. I take my religion and the word of God seriously and if I must take extreme action, I won’t shirk. Don’t test me!’

‘Father . . . I don’t know if I want to address you as father after this. To me you’re a failure as a parent. As soon as I can I’m leaving . . .’

‘(anguished) Oh please no, Rhonda, please don’t say that. I love my children, you’re my life. If you leave under bad circumstances my life would be over; I’ll have nothing!’

‘(Quietly) Mum, I know I speak for Jason also. You’ve shown yourself as a wonderful parent. It’s only because of you that we were able to discuss this crisis civilly. I love you for that and I’ll never abandon you. I’ll love you, mum forever. And you father; you’re such a disappointment. Whilst I must respect you as a parent, I hate what you stand for. I hate what you believe and hate that you have the power and opportunity to give voice to your evil beliefs. You should ask Jason‘s forgiveness for what you’ve said to him this evening.’

‘(Choking with fury) How dare you! How dare you! I can see now how your brother has corrupted you . . .’

‘(Standing up) Just shut it, father! Jason, I need a drink; are you ready to go (Jason nodded). Mum, I’ll be home a little late. Don’t save my dinner; I really don’t have any appetite right now. I’ll see you in the morning.’

And left the house with Jason in tow.

12.4 Rhonda and Jason @ Pub

By agreement they met at the Canadian Bay pub. Jason arrived first and secured a seat with some privacy. Before Rhonda arrived, he’d just ordered a large double scotch.

Shit! Shit! I’m drained of energy and emotion. I can’t believe what’s happened in the last few hours. I woke up this morning on top of the world; a home, a wife, a good job, and good relations with my parents. Now, my life’s a train-wreck. I’m lucky I still got my job. Of course, on the other hand, my secrets out, and in a way I’m glad. I no longer must hide, or lie, or pretend, or fear exposure. I’m me, and now can start to rebuild my life. Of course, I still must deal with Kathy and the young-un. I wonder what she’ll say when I tell her I’m going into the church program? About that; I don’t have a choice really. I’ll do it for mum’s sake but also to head off the Pastor and his brutal promises. He’s not rational, but because he’s irrational I know he’ll follow through. Why does religion nurture and promote extreme beliefs and give voice to the evil that lurks subconsciously, perhaps in all mankind.? Why do people hate . . .’

Just then Rhonda arrived with a glass of white wine. For several moments they just stared at each other and took long swigs of their drinks.

‘(Softly) Well, that went well . . . did it not! Thanks for sticking up for me little sister. I only hope I haven’t caused you to be banished with father. You were very brave, much braver than I. A wave of exhaustion swept over me. All I could do was sit there and absorb the vitriol. I suddenly didn’t care what happened to me. Still don’t.’

‘It’s so unfair. You can’t help being gay. Remember I went through the rough end with Karl and that made me realize that sledging gay people was very wrong. Anyway, it’s all academic now. I’m surprized at mother, though. She started to sound sensible after her earlier outburst. Although I’m totally against any church running programmes to re-orientate gay people, her suggestion gave everyone an out. Even the Pastor. My respect for mum went large. How do you fell about the orientation programme?’

‘Hate it, I hate it! But what can I do? I mean, I don’t want to hurt mum, and if it makes her happier for me to go to this whatever, then I’ll do it. I’ll do it, for her sake, not because father dear threatened malicious action. Although I’m quite sure he would go ahead and do what he threatened – the bastard.’

‘Yes, I’ve been thinking about him. (taking a large swig of wine) He’s become irrational and I’m not gonna sit in church every Sunday and listen to his vicious sermonizing. To be frank, I was thinking this way long before your situation blew up. He makes me embarrassed and ashamed. What about you?’

‘Yeah, I’m gonna drop the church too. He’s bound to savage us gays at some stage and I just can’t take it anymore. Over the years I’ve had to sit there and cringe. No more! No more! I’ve had it.’

Jason emptied his drink and got up to get them both a refill. On his return they both drank big and sat back.

“What are you gonna do about Kathy? Will you go home tonight?’

‘Nah, I’ll stay with a friend and give her a chance to think about our situation. I’ll tell her I’m going to this orientation thing and that may help her. But you and I know that the chances of me switching to being straight are nil. I’m just going through the motions. Tomorrow I’ll call and set a time for us to talk. Not at home but, I need a neutral place without any interruptions. Look, if she wants to dissolve our marriage then I’ll do what she wants. I think that’s the best for both of us, and it’ll give her a chance to find someone else. After all, she’s a spunk and sure to have a lot of blokes sniffing around.’

‘(Laughing) Geeze you make it sound like a dog in heat. Yeah, I agree with you; a gay and straight marriage won’t work. Well, I don’t reckon it would. What about the kid?’

‘It’ll be looked after. I’ll still be the father even though I’m not living there. You got any ideas?’

‘No, at least I haven’t given it much thought. I mean the kid’ll still have both parents and an extended family to grow up with. Of course, it ain’t perfect, but then again, what is?’

‘Yeah.’

Both siblings grew silent as the full impact of the day’s happenings descended. Eventually,

‘Where are you staying tonight?’

‘At a friend’s luxurious apartment. This kid has very rich parents and they’ve set him up with a real fancy pad. I know I can stay there as long as I want, but I’m not gonna overstay my welcome. It’ll give me a chance to get me balance back, and do some creative thinking. Of course, I don’t know anything about this orientation crap, so I’ll just have to wait and see what they want me to do. Enough about me . . . what about you? Are you going home tonight?’

‘Oh yes. I’ll have a chance to talk with mother particularly about gay people. She’s led a very sheltered life based primarily on that bloody book. Judging from today’s comments, I’m pretty sure I can get her to come completely around. Also, she loves us as a parent is supposed to love their kids, so I think it’ll be all good. As to the pastor, he’d better keep outta my way. I won’t tolerate any crap from him.’

‘Sounds good.’

‘Anyway, I’d better finish this and head back home. Will you be alright mate? Remember I’ll always have yer back. Anyone gives you trouble, they’ll have to go through me first.’

‘Save me, save us all from militant feminists.’