The Saturday Boy - 9. Suspicious Minds

"I think you should leave!" Dean said, abruptly

"Dean, where are your manners? Behave yourself." Sarah said, scolding him.

"Yeah, Dean, Joey is your friend; stop being so silly," Vince added.

"Silly…you think this is silly Dad, He's just pretty much admitted he's a fag!"

"Dean! I will not have that word used in this house. Tell him, Vince."

"Your mother is right, Dean. It’s a nasty word. Please don't refer to gay people as fags."

"I'm not gay," I blurted out, trying to get a word in over everyone else.

But was I?

"Then what are you?" Dean hissed at me again.

"I…I don't know, Dean, why are you being like this."

"You know what, you can stay here, but I'm not."

Dean slammed his knife and fork down onto his half-eaten dinner and pushed out his chair, almost knocking it over, before storming past us and upstairs. We all jumped as his bedroom door was slammed shut, indicating that any conversation with Dean tonight was over.

"Don't worry, sweetheart; I’ll talk to him. He’s always been a bit sensitive about homosexual matters, and I know he doesn't get it from us." Sarah said, tapping my hand.

"I didn't even mean for the word to come out; it just slipped," I said, shaking my head.

"Joey, you're at that age where things can become confusing for a young man growing up, most boys go through it, and whatever side of the fence you wanna dangle your tackle, it shouldn't really matter. I said it shouldn't matter, hey Vince."

"No love," replied Vince, slurping on his stew.

"I need to try and talk to him, Sarah; I can't leave it like this."

"Finish your dinner first. Give him some time to cool off. You know how hot-headed he can be. It’s the hormones, I reckon. That's what you said, eh Vince…you said it was the hormones, right?"

"Yes, love, the hormones."

She sighed, looking at me. "There was a time when Vince's hormones used to rage through his veins, but now they just float around in some stagnant pond."

"Thanks, love, I'm sure Joey wanted to know that," Vince remarked.

I carried on eating my dinner out of politeness really; I had long since lost my appetite. I could have kicked myself for saying what I did, but there was no way to take it back, rewind the clock. I honestly didn't even mean to come out with the word. I don't know why I did; it’s not like that was what I was thinking all the time. It was just a word that flew through my mind as I thought about him… at that moment. It was a surprise to me as it was to all of them, but it told me something. It said to me that deep down that Jack was something else to me, something other than the Saturday boy at my parent's pub.

Maybe I had known that for a while and just denied it to myself, or perhaps it really was a turning point, and I had just discovered the way I really saw him…cute. He was cute but in a gay way? I didn't know.

My mind was far away, the sound of clattering cutlery and Sarah talking to Vince far off in the distance. It was consumed with what I was going to say to Dean. A small part of me was defiant though, I mean, what the fuck was his problem? It's not like I had jumped over the table and put my tongue down his throat.

I placed my knife and fork down, having chewed the last mouthful on my plate. "Thanks, Sarah, that was amazing."

"You're welcome Joey, would you like anymore?"

"Oh god no, I couldn't; I’m stuffed, but thanks for the offer."

"So I guess you'll want to be having that chat with Dean now, yes?"

"Yeah, I should go up and see him. I'm sorry if I caused him to freak out. I don't even know why I said what I did; it meant nothing," I reiterated.

"Maybe it didn't, and maybe it did, Joey, but there is no shame in admitting you like someone, no matter your sexual preference. I must say, though, when Vince tried to probe me anally, I did scream, so you might wanna have a think about that part." She said, putting her hand to her mouth to muffle a high pitched laugh.

"Sarah, for god sake," Vince cried, almost choking on his drink.

"What? I just want the poor lad to be prepared." I just sat there speechless; my face lit up like a red traffic light.

"Uh, I'll go see Dean now," I remarked before slipping away. Again, I walked down the hallway and up the stairs walking straight into Dean's room, this time without knocking.

"The whole time, Joey," was the first thing he said.

"Dean, look whatever I said…."

"The whole fucking time Joey," he said again, cutting me off. "Not cool, man, not cool at all."

"Hey, for once, just shut your fucking mouth and listen to me."

"No, you fucking listen, Joey! How long have we been friends? Forever right, and I'm sitting here thinking what a fucking idiot I've been for not seeing this, an idiot for telling you that stuff about girls and how I fucked them, and the thing with James, and all the time you've probably been getting off on it. I'm an idiot for letting this…I mean you, you have this double life, and this life involves liking cock."

"What the…have you lost your fucking mind? What, so you think because I accidentally said the guy was cute, you think I'm some gay sex fiend who goes home and jerks off with the thoughts of your seedy episodes with girls and the images of your Uncle screwing you? Well, don't fucking flatter yourself. For your information, I'm going through a hard time at the moment with my feelings for Jack, and if you were half the friend that Shaun is, then you would start looking further than your own fucking nose!"

"Shaun…Shaun knows about this? Oh fuck me sideways, this just gets better. Well, thanks a lot Joey, nice to see you two getting along so well without me."

"Dean, do you ever wonder why? All you do is judge people. If they don't act and think like you, they're just odd, aren't they, because everyone has to fit into your one-dimensional box."

"Then why have we been friends so long if I need everyone to be like me because you sure as hell have never been."

"After today, Dean, I don't know why we've been friends for so fucking long; it's hardly been something to celebrate, has it."

"Well, why don't you just go then!"

"Is that what you want, because if I do, our friendship is over for good, because this shit ain’t worth it. So if we are friends…and I'm struggling to see that we are, then I need your support. If I don't have that, then I'll go, and we can forget we ever entertained the idea of friendship."

"Are you blackmailing me?"

"No, Dean, I'm just sick of you being…being you! You always attack everything, everyone. You never compromise with anything or anyone, you just sit there and judge judge judge, and I'm fucking sick of it."

Dean sat there in silence, and I wondered if the penny had finally dropped for him. But I needed to say all that I had, he needed to hear it, and I was sick to the fucking back teeth of backing down to him, simply because it was him…because it was Dean, because it was always expected of Dean to be… Dean.

We stared at each other for what seemed like ages. My heart was beating so fast, and I expected his was too looking at his body language. I refused to say anything more, feeling that I had said all I needed to win this argument, probably the first one ever.

"You would walk away from our friendship," he finally said, his voice quiet and calm.

"Yeah, Dean, I would. But, even if what I said downstairs about Jack held any weight, and I don't think it does, I should not have to be rebuked and shouted at by you because you're supposed to be one of my best friends."

"I just…after all that I've been through, the trouble I've had dealing with gay people, James, and then you drop a hint or suggestion about yourself, tell me how I am supposed to react, Joey."

"I don't know, Dean…I don't know how you're supposed to react, but as I said to you down at the lake, Jack is not your Uncle and nor am I. We are no threat to you whatsoever.

"So you admit it then, that you're gay?"

"I can't admit it, Dean, because I don't know myself. But, as I said, I'm having a hard time dealing with that part of my life right now, and you didn't help matters with your display downstairs."

"What do you mean you don't know? Do you like guys or not?"

"No, I don't like guys like that; it’s just Jack…there is something about…."

"Please spare me the details; I don't think I can deal with an explanation."

"Look, all I'm saying is, I have never looked at another guy and thought, oh wow, I really wanna have sex with him, if that's what you're thinking."

"So what's different about Stanton then?"

"I thought you didn't wanna hear it."

"I don't, I just want to understand, so I can try and get my head around it."

"Truth is Dean…about Jack; I don't understand it either. I don't know what I feel. It's not like an easy feeling I can describe, like hate, love, like, lust or whatever."

Dean bit his bottom lip. "So…so If, uh…if he asked you to um…to uh, go to bed with him, would you?" he asked, tentatively. I stood and stared at him. A rush of images passed through my mind relating to just that, Jack and me…having sex. The images, in complete clarity in my mind, confirmed the answer to his question.

"Yeah, Dean…yeah, I think I would."

"Oh fuck, man!" Dean muttered, shaking his head, before putting it in his hands.

"I'm sorry it wasn't the answer you were hoping for."

"Yeah, you and me both."

"So, shall I go?"

"Why Joey, why now?"

I shrugged. "Who knows? I didn't." It was all I could say because it was the truth. I didn't know why, and why now.

"How much does Shaun know about all this?"

"About as much as you know now, and as much as I know. But, like I said, Dean, I don't have all the answers."

"So, what are you gonna do about Stanton?"

"What about him?"

"Well, you gotta get rid of him, yeah, tell him to stop working at the pub and all that?"

"Why?"

"Why? What do you mean why, so you can get over this."

"What if I don't want to? What If I wanna just go with it and find out how I really feel?"

"You mean go all the way with him?"

"Maybe, if it comes to that. Maybe it won't, maybe it's just a phase, and it will pass. But I need to know…I need to know for myself, and if our friendship is made up primarily of what way I'll eventually swing, then I see no reason to continue it."

"An ultimatum?"

"A choice Dean. It's yours to make. I'll be going now so you can think about what I mean to you."

I didn't wait for him to respond. I just left his room and went downstairs and let Sarah and Vince know I was going. I made it quick just in case he came down to talk to me. I didn't want to talk to him. I didn't want to explain anymore. I had made it as clear as I could. I had been honest and open as my brain allowed me to be. The ball was in his court now.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

I arrived back at the pub, thoroughly miserable. It felt like I was running out of places I could go where someone wasn't judging me. Dean had freaked out, and now I had to go back to the place where I was caught jerking off by my mother. I could go to Shaun's, but he was just acting weird, and Jack…well, we all know that would not be a bright idea, especially with his father being trigger happy with his fists.

I walked through the door, taking a deep breath. My mother eyed me as I walked along the bar, but she didn't call me over. Maybe she wasn't thrilled that I had basically told her I was going out without waiting for permission. Or perhaps she was still just as freaked out as I was about the whole jerk off thing but was not admitting it. I wandered upstairs to the apartment and entered the lounge, finding my Dad sitting on the sofa reading the paper.

"Hey Joey," he said, looking over the top of it.

"Hey, Dad," I replied, sitting down on the sofa opposite. "On your break?"

"Yeah, what have you been up to?"

"Oh, I just went to Dean's. They gave me dinner."

"That's nice of them. How are Sarah and Vince?"

I shrugged. "You know… the same."

He chuckled. "Yeah, you'll never get another couple like them."

"Yeah, I guess not."

"So, your mother said she caught you 'pulling the pudding' today. I just thought I would get that out in the open."

"I think I'm going to vomit that you got that out in the open. I just thought I would get that out in the open."

"Well, so that you know, it's no big deal. I'm supposed to sit here and talk to you about it, but I know you want to do that as much as I probably do, so if your mother ever brings it up, we talked, okay?"

"Yeah, you got my vote on that."

"Fine then, we'll say no more about it; it’s forgotten." He slapped his paper down on the table between us and got up. "Well, back to work. Thanks for the talk, son."

"Yeah, no worries, Dad," I replied, following him with my eyes as he left.

Did that just happen?

I got up and went to my room. It needed a tidy, so I started to walk around picking up all my clothes that I tended to just throw on the floor whenever I was done with them. Then, getting into a rhythm, I decided it was probably time for my sheets to be changed as well, no not because of what you're thinking, but because of normal reasons.

Picking up a pillow to take its cover off, I found my trusty porno mag lying on top of my second one. I dropped the pillow and protector to the floor and sat on my bed, taking the magazine in my hand. For some reason, it didn't give me the usual urge to jack off. Maybe I was just bored of it, but a niggling thought crossed my mind that recent 'events' had something to do with it.

I took one final look through the pages before placing it in a black rubbish bag, along with four coke cans, sweet wrappers and a cup that had some science experiment growing in it from being left so long.

As I went around cleaning stuff up and pulling off my sheets, thoughts of what Dean had said to me came into my head. The main one being that I should get rid of Jack. I found it hard to believe that my feelings for him were anything severe enough to warrant sacking him, and besides, I didn't do the hiring and firing; that was down to my parents. Furthermore, I wanted to explore those feelings for Jack more than I needed a friend like Dean. So sacking him was out of the question. I wanted him here.

I started to wonder why I had been friends with Dean all this time. Sure, he was great at times, and I had a brilliant relationship with his parents; they almost treated me like a son. But Dean was such a primitive person, who acted on such raw black and white emotion that it didn't seem compatible with someone like me who always liked to explore all the options of a situation. Like Shaun, I'm a live and let live kind of guy; I try and get on with everyone, but Dean? He's a ‘think like me’ or die.

I tried to put myself in his situation sometimes, and I always came to the same conclusion…that I would never act like him, have the same reaction. There was one time when he was playing football, and one of the players accidentally kicked the ball, and it hit me in the face while I watched. I didn't think anything of it, but Dean grabbed him by the throat and head-butted him for it.

It was the same today at his parents. Just because I accidentally said the word cute instead of something else regarding Jack, he flips out. Would I have done the same to him if the shoe was on the other foot?

Nope!

I threw my bed sheets and the remaining clothes I had found down the side of my bed into the hamper in the bathroom. As I returned to my room, my phone was buzzing on my computer desk. I picked it up and looked at the screen seeing it was Dean. About to ignore it, not having the energy to listen to what he had to say, I started to put it down again. But I knew he would just turn up if I did that, so I picked it up again and answered.

"Dean, if you're about to start giving me a hard time again, I'm gonna hang…."

"Is camping still on?" he asked. The question brought an ever so wry smile to my face. It took me a while to respond. "Joey, are you there?"

"Yeah, Dean, I'm here."

"So is it?"

"Not sure. Are you going to freak out if I tell you I'm in love with Matt Damon?"

"Fuck, are you?"

"No, Dean, it's called sarcasm…look, I just don't want us to get into another argument. If we go camping, we go to have a good time."

"Yeah, I know, so are we still going?"

"Is this the Dean way of apologising?"

"Don't make me say it, Joey. I don't see why I should."

"Okay, I'm gonna hang up now then."

"Okay, wait…shit, look, okay, I apologise. I apologise for freaking out that my best friend might just fancy guys."

I took a deep breath and sighed. It was the best I was going to get, even if there was an untrue dig on the end of the apology. "Fine, Dean, forget about it, just please try and control your anger next time."

"Yeah, sure, Joey, so are we friends?"

"I don't know, are we?"

"Yeah, we are, but just stop dropping these bombshells on me."

"What bombshells…and don't talk to me about bombshells? I just found out the other day you got screwed by your Uncle" I sighed. "Shit, look, I didn't mean that just…look, fuck Dean, let's just try and support each other through things, okay?"

"Yeah, right, whatever, I'll see you at school." He hung up on me. I wasn't surprised. But, at least maybe, just maybe, he had seen he was out of order.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Downstairs in the cellar, I was pulling out a couple of empties from the cooling room. I rolled them out one by one to the drop-door and stood them back up. A new real ale had been delivered today. According to the leaflet, it was called Jerico X. Apparently, it had a woody taste and was five point two per cent strength. We called these guest ales, as they were not permanently available at the pub. We sourced guest ales from all over the country, and they would change every two weeks, with Jerico X being our latest. I put the leaflet down and moved the barrel to the ale rack, and I started to get it ready for settling.

Unlike lagers, real ale had to stand for a minimum of sixteen hours to be at their best. This was partly because the hops were left inside the barrel and contained sediment, which had to settle to the bottom before the ale could be pumped. Another difference was that real ales needed no gas as they worked by a vacuum system, which is also why they don't taste fizzy.

I took my rubber mallet and knocked a new tap in the end before setting the new barrel down. I then popped the plug in the side and replaced the hole with a cork - this would keep air out and preserve until ready to pump.
To give a slight lean forward, I chucked a wooden chock under the backside and placed the barrel back down, ensuring a correct tilt. As the previous guest ale had run out two days ago, I took the line from the old barrel and placed it in a bucket of line cleaner I had made up earlier.

I went back upstairs to the bar and started to pull the cleaner through the line from the pump in the bar. I continued to pull until the liquid ran clear before going back to the cellar and replaced the cleaner with plain water. Returning to the bar, I repeated the pumping process until I was satisfied just water remained in the pipe. I then had to take a test glass back down to 'my lab', as I called it, to ensure no line cleaner was present. I used a special handheld machine with a spike on the end and placed it in the glass. The reading came up zero zero zero point one. In other words, it was pretty safe.

Walking back through to the cooling room, I took the line from the bucket of water and attached it to the new barrel, and the setup was complete. Happy customers could now try the new Jerico, which would be available tomorrow night.

Of all my chores in the pub, servicing the real ales was the one I didn't hate. The barrels were small and manoeuvrable, and it was easy to do, none of the lifting, scrubbing, rolling and pulling, that most of the other jobs I had involved.

I checked the temperature in the room, recorded it on my flipchart, and shut the door, heading back upstairs to the bar. Christie had just started her shift when I got up there, and she greeted me with a smile.

"Hey gorgeous, how are you?"

"Fine, Chris, you must have just missed me. I was up here a minute ago."

"I just got in, so what you been up to?"

"Ah, you know, this and that…and here, of course."

"Bless, hey, I've been meaning to ask you, how was your holiday?"

"Seems like a lifetime ago, but yeah, it was good. We had a lot of fun."

"Pick up any nice girls?" she asked. I blushed at the question, making her laugh.

"It wasn't really that type of holiday, Chris, but I still had a nice time. The villa was well classy."

"Aww, I'm glad. Oh, I met the new guy, Jack. He seems like a nice lad. You two getting on?"

"Yeah, it's hard not to with him. He’s so laid back."

"Yeah, he seems that way, very good looking too, shame, I'm old enough to be his mother," she said, laughing again.

"I don't think you would be his type Chris," I remarked, grinning.

"Oh, thanks, Joey, lovely of you to say."

"Oh…erm no, sorry, I didn't mean it like that. What I mean is he's gay."

"Really? Wow, my gaydar must be broken. I would never have guessed."

"Yeah, he's been out for a while. If you spend enough time with him, there are little things you can pick up, but yeah, I agree with you; it’s not obvious."

"Oops, better go. That customer up the end looks a bit fidgety."

"Yeah, I'll let you get on; I don't wanna get you in trouble."

"See ya gorgeous," She said, giving me a little wave with her fingers. I left the bar and went back up to the apartment.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

I slowly opened my eyes from a dream I'd been having. It was still pitch black. I fumbled around for my cell on the floor before realising it was still on my desk. Getting out of bed, I switched on the small lamp beside my bed and looked at the clock on the wall. It was three AM, and I was suddenly wide awake.

I pulled on my door and opened it before heading to the bathroom. Perhaps that's what woke me up, as I did need to go quite badly. I had gone to bed pretty early, unusually, and now I knew it was going to be impossible to get back to sleep. The apartment was hot and stuffy as it was still the height of summer, and as I finished peeing, my first action when I got back to my room was to open my window…wide.

I pushed it open and leaned out, sucking in the cool air through my nose. It never ceased to amaze me how alive London stayed, whatever the hour was. Like right now, at three AM, cars are queuing at the lights, enough people still on the sidewalks to make them move out the way of each other and a few people still eating in restaurants surrounding the area. They were mostly Indian and Chinese, but there was a McDonald's just down the street open all night.

I listened as a young couple, obviously in love, walked alongside the pub beneath me chatted about their upcoming wedding. They kissed every so often, and it made me feel a little envious that they had each other. I know what you're thinking…I have plenty of time to have that, but I have thought for a while now how nice it would be to wake up with someone you love. Unfortunately, the only one I have to spend the pleasures of life with is my right hand. Yeah, I'm young, but I feel older than my years…at least intellectually. In that respect, I was just like Shaun, whereas Dean was trailing behind, but that never mattered. Now Jack…he was on my level, and I felt like I could chat with him for hours.

I pulled myself back from the window and got into bed, sufficiently cooled. I laid there with the covers just round my ankles and gently played with myself. I wasn't expecting an erection because it wasn't one of those kinds of plays. You know how sometimes you just sit there with your hand down your pants for something to do, well I was just doing that, but nonetheless, my cock came to attention. I was in two minds to rub one out but still had waking nightmares about my Mum catching me again.

I did it anyway!

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

I walked into school, catching up with Shaun on the way to my locker. "Hey, buddy, how 's it hanging?" he asked, grabbing my neck and pulling me into him as we walked.

"Yeah, fine, thanks," I said, sighing.

"Okay, what's up?"

"Guess!"

"Hmm, the pub, school, Jack, Parents, Dean…."

"Bingo," I exclaimed, stopping him.

"Dean?"

"Yeah Dean."

"Anything new? or just Dean being Dean."

"I'll tell you at later."

"Sure thing… hey, have you seen Jack?"

"No, why?" I asked, looking at him curiously.

"Just wondering."

"You've been just wondering about him a lot lately. What’s going on with you? Are you like, into him or something?"

"Pfft, don't be stupid," he said, laughing my comment off. I didn't know what to think of that answer, but I knew Shaun, and there was something suspicious going on.

"So why do you keep asking about him? I didn't know you two had become such good friends all of a sudden."

"We better go, don't wanna be late," He replied, totally avoiding my question.

"Shaun?" It was too late. He had already walked off. I was getting fucking tired of this. I made a mental note to find Jack, get him on his own and find out what the hell was going on between those two.

I got to my locker and took out my books for today's lessons before slamming it shut and banging my forehead on the door in frustration. Walking to Geography, I ran into Toby, a guy I used to run with until I moved away. Fucking unreal!

"Hey JC, how goes it."

"Tobe, fucking hell, good to see you, man, you moved schools… But, I mean, what the fuck are you doing here?"

"No, I just came here for the day," he said, giggling. "Of course, I've moved schools. I was planning to look you up, but I see that won't be necessary, hey are you still running?"

"Naa, Not since the rents brought the pub, they keep me too busy. Listen, I gotta run, but we must catch up, yeah…you need to tell me what you're doing here."

"You bet we will. It’s so good to see you; I’m sorry we didn't stay in touch."

"Yeah, me too; hey, push your cell number into my locker. It’s number one, zero, five, seven."

"Cool, sure thing JC, enjoy your class," he smirked before waving and heading away from me. I looked back in awe, not believing he was actually here.

Walking through the door to my class, I went to the back and found my usual seat. Since I had no real friends in Geography, I sat next to a girl called Hayley, but we hardly spoke to each other.

"Quiet down, people," The teacher shouted as he came into the room, plonking his bag down the desk. "Quiet!" he shouted again, and the room faded to a gentle mumble. Then, finally, he went and sat at his desk and started roll call before asking us to take out our textbooks.

"Turn to page three four two of your books, today we are going to have a discussion on…."

That's was all I heard before drifting off into my thoughts. Before I knew it was the end of the lesson, and I had somehow written two pages of text in my book.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

The bell went for lunch, and I headed to Jack's locker and waited. He normally came past to put his morning books away to lighten his bag, unlike me, who just dumped my books at the end of the day. It was handy that he did that. At least it was easier to find him if I needed to. Sure enough, I saw him walking towards me…with Shaun.

"Hey Joey, you waiting for me?" he asked as if it wasn't obvious. I nodded and then looked at Shaun in a way that was just enough to let him know I was slightly suspicious.

I was pissed now because I needed to get rid of Shaun to find out from Jack what was going on with Shaun. I was sure that whatever it was had something to do with him, and I was determined to get to the bottom of it.

"So are the three of us going to the cafeteria," Jack asked, looking at us both.

"Actually, I wanted to talk to you Jack, it's about work."

"Oh my god, am I fired?" He said, his eyes wide.

"No, don't be stupid, it's uh…its just about some new stuff we need to do," I said, seeing his shoulders relax. Shaun just stood there, and I realised this wasn't working.

"Well, can we talk while walking? I’m starving," Jack said, starting to head off. Shaun and I both followed, and I was getting more and more annoyed, clenching my fists as I walked.

"Are you okay?" Shaun asked, obviously noticing my posture.

"Fine, Shaun, how come you're with Jack again? Didn’t you have Science?"

"Yeah, but the teacher let us go a little early for lunch."

What a cheap fucking lie, I thought. In all the years I had been going to school, not one fucking teacher ever let us go early; in fact, it was often the case we got out late. So I just looked at him like he was crazy and carried on walking. He knew I was starting to ask more questions about his time with Jack, and he was feeling the heat. He would crack soon. That’s just Shaun.

"Jack?"

"Yeah?"

Plan B. "Listen, don't worry about the chat regarding the pub; I don't wanna bore you through lunch. Why don't you come by later after school."

"Yeah, sure, Joey, be glad to." He replied. I looked at Shaun out of the corner of my eye. He looked slightly uncomfortable. We walked into the cafeteria and grabbed our trays, moving along the rail as the dinner ladies asked us what we would like before putting it on a plate.

"Hey, I saw Toby today Joey, did you know he was coming here?"

"Yeah, I saw him too, it was like seeing a ghost, and no, I didn't."

"Yeah, I'll bet, so you'll be spending some time with him."

"I'll probably catch up with him at some point, yeah," I replied, uncommitted.

"Toby?" Jack remarked.

"An old friend I used to go running with after school."

"Hmm, a runner… sounds hot."

"Oh Jack, you're so shallow," I laughed.

"Don't worry. I’m holding a candle for someone else anyway."

"Oh? Who's that then?" Shaun asked casually.

"I couldn't possibly tell you. It’s a secret."

The answer looked to slightly irritate Shaun, while I smiled to myself, knowing exactly who the person was.

"What's up Shaun, don't like little secrets?"

"No, not really." He replied, shrugging.

"No, me neither," I remarked, shooting him a knowing look and then winking.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

With school done for the day, I was back home and sat on one of the barrels in the cooling room. My arms were folded, huddled inside one of the insulated coats stored just outside. I was thinking…thinking about how to approach my feelings towards Jack and the sentiments of my best friend, Shaun. I mean, I'm not stupid. I knew something was going on between him and Jack, but what?

I had asked Jack to come over to the pub, and he was due to arrive any time now. So, after checking the temperature in the room as I did each day, I shut and locked the doors before taking my coat off, hanging it back up.

I thought about my life before Jack came along, as I did quite often. I wanted to know how a guy that had not made a move on my friends or me, had not been nasty to anyone, had not been complicated or tried to drive a wedge between us, but was at the heart of all the problems with my two best friends…and me.

A little resentment crept into my mind as I walked back upstairs to the bar. I knew Jack was not to blame for any of this, but at the same time, I was annoyed he had caused it…indirectly.

Standing at the end of the bar, I watched as my Dad went from customer to customer, serving drinks, taking money, smiling at them and having the odd little chat. This was our business, and people wanted to come here and spend money at our pub. I found it fascinating that customers never saw what went on in our lives…the lives of the owners. Like how my mother had caught me masturbating or ordering the wrong gas bottles, or how my father had had to chat with me about boy stuff, then moments later probably serving another customer. Nope, the customers just paid their money and took their choice. We knew so much about what happened in their lives, and they had no clue what happened in ours.

"Penny, for your thoughts?" came a familiar voice behind me. I turned around seeing Jack standing there, his lips curled down. "Aww, what's up, Joey?"

I sighed. "Nothing, Jack, wanna come upstairs?"

"Yeah, sure, so what's this about?" he asked as we walked through the bar towards the restaurant. I didn't answer him, waiting instead to utter my first words when we were safely in my room. We went in, and I shut the door. He found my computer chair the ideal place to sit, leaving me to sit on my bed.

"I've been thinking about how I wanna say this without sounding like a paranoid prick, but I know I'm not being paranoid, so I'm just gonna come out and ask."

"Okay," Jack said, nodding, looking at me wearing a worried look.

"I want to know what is going on with you and Shaun and why my friend is acting like a rabbit in headlights every time he sees me."

"Shaun and I?" He said innocently. "Nothing is going on between Shaun and me; what’s this about?"

"Oh, come on, Jack, don't treat me like a fool, I know him, and he's not acting like the person I know."

"In what way…what's this got to do with me?" He asked, a slight irritation in his voice. I was starting to wonder if he was telling the truth.

"Well, for a start, he always seems to be asking about you or wants to find you for some reason. But, if he's not asking, I normally find him with you, and I feel like he's keeping something from me…about you."

"Joey, I swear on my Dad's life, I don't know what…."

"Well, that's reassuring, Jack…your Dad's life?" I said, cutting him off.

"Okay, my Mum's life… is that better? Look, I don't know what is going on with Shaun. If anything, it's you that is acting weird from what he has mentioned."

"Me?" I asked incredulously. "I'm not acting weird. That’s one thing I am certain of."

"He says you're confused about your feelings towards me, and he thought it might be better if I back off a bit. So I said I hadn't even moved forward with you, and he said that was fine then."

"Shaun said this?"

"Yeah, that's what I said… But, look, Joey, can you please tell me what is going on? I’m not getting this."

I slumped back on my bed, resting my head on the wall and sighed. "Jack, I don't think I even know now. I was sure I had this all sussed out, but if what you say…." I stopped as my thoughts cut off my speech, and I drifted into thinking mode, trying to work this all out.

"Joey?"

"One second, I'm thinking. Why would Shaun tell you to back off from me?"

"I dunno, the answer depends on if his statement about you being confused about your feelings are true, really," he said, smirking.

"Forget about me for a moment, Jack. I want you to run with something for a minute no matter how strange this sounds."

"Okay, I'll try. Go on." He said, scratching his ear.

"Has…has Shaun ever given you the impression he was attracted to you or said anything that would suggest he liked you more than the average straight person should?"

"Are you asking if Shaun is gay?"

"I'm asking you what I just asked you," I replied, frustrated.

"Well...uh, nothing that stands out. I suppose I was a bit taken aback that he suddenly wanted to get to know me, which seem to come on quite quickly. He's quite a touchy-feely kinda guy, I guess, but…."

"Touchy-feely, Shaun?"

"Yeah, like he squeezes your arm or cups your neck, that kind of thing, you know…right?" He asked, looking at me, wanting me to agree with him, but I couldn't. I mean, yeah, Shaun was very occasionally like that when he first greeted you but not all the time…which was my next question.

"Does he do it all the time?"

"Quite a lot, but I thought he is just like that. I haven't thought about it any other way. Are you saying he's not like that…is that what you're telling me?"

"No, Jack, he's not like that, at least not with Dean or me, and if he were like that with other guys, it would be Dean who would be the most likely to get that treatment and me."

"Shit Joey…now I'm starting to think…."

"Don't worry, you and me both; I need to seriously have a word with him," I said, cutting him off mid-sentence."

"I swear to you, Joey, I have not been leading him on or anything. I didn't know he was doing anything…I mean, fuck, what have I done."

"You haven't done anything, and chill, I believe you. It's just bizarre."

"So let me ask you something, Joey…do you think Shaun is gay?"

"No!" I retorted, shooting him a steely glare. Then I sighed. "At least in all the years I have known him, I have never thought so…not in a million years. Maybe it's just you; you have that effect on people."

"Sorry, what do you mean?"

I let out a short chuckle. "Nothing… just a joke between me and myself."

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

I climbed into bed, exhausted. Not from my day at school or my work at the pub, but exhausted by my thoughts. Sleep would not come easy tonight, though, and I knew that whenever my brain was filled with crap, I never slept well, no matter how tired I was.

Turning on the TV, I flicked over to Discovery and watched the same nature program that looked like it was about baboons. Here and there, I would let out a small chuckle as the cameraman seemed to film the monkeys doing silly things.

I wanted Shaun here to talk to him and get some bloody sleep, and while the documentary went some way to take my mind of things, it was no substitute to getting stuff off my chest with the person causing the shit to accumulate.

It was no good; I needed to speak with Shaun. I looked at my clock, and it read eleven just after. I pulled my phone from the jeans I had taken off just moments ago and dialled his number. I listened as the ring tone buzzed through my ear. It rang and rang with no answer, and I waited for the automatic voicemail to finish but decided not to leave a message. Instead, I chucked the phone on the floor and slammed my head back down on my pillow, annoyed. Moments later, a text alert came through, and I grabbed my cell again.

Shaun: Wats up Joey, I'm tryna sleep?

Joey: Why did u not pick up?

Shaun: just a bit tired m8, can we talk 2morrow?

Joey: ye sure, will you meet me early?

Shaun: sumfin rong?

Joey: hopin u can tell me! Meet me at 7 outside Dukes?

Shaun: k, g'nite Joey

I didn't reply to his good night; I wanted to make him stew. Shaun rarely ignored a phone call from me…in fact, he had never skipped a call from me apart from when he was at a funeral, and even then, he stepped outside to call me back. So as you can imagine, this behaviour was yet another odd thing that he was displaying.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

I dived out of bed at six-thirty, forgetting to set my alarm for my early meet with Shaun. Then, chucking just my shirt and trousers on and stuffing the rest of my uniform in my bag, I ran downstairs and out of the pub, even skipping breakfast.

I ran to Dukes, which was about a ten-minute walk from the pub usually, but I didn't want to be late, not when it was me who had made such a big deal in my text to him about telling me what was going on. As I ran, I tried to text my Mum to let her know I had left early while not getting myself killed as I crossed a series of roads, not looking.

I saw Shaun coming from the other direction as I arrived at the old Cinema and slowed down, not wanting him to see I had been rushing to get there. As we got closer to each other, he looked up and smiled. I smiled back, wanting this conversation to at least start on a sound footing.

"So, what's the big deal today?" He asked as we tapped fists.

"Walk with me, and I'll try and think how to start."

"Hmm, sounds important," he remarked, keeping step with me.

"I'm gonna just ask this, Shaun, and I think you know what the question is gonna be."

"I have an idea."

"Shaun, are you into Jack?" I asked, point-blank. Shaun gave a sideways look.

"What makes you think that?"

"Shaun, don't make this painful, just yes or no."

"What am I on trial here?"

"It's just a question, Shaun."

"What if I don't wanna answer."

"Shaun, the way I see it, any other answer other than a no is going to mean a yes, and that includes not answering at all. So I'll ask one more time, and be straight with me. Are you into…"

"Yeah, okay, I'm into him. Are you satisfied?"

"Satisfied?" I repeated, glaring at him. "No, I'm not satisfied."

"Why not? You got the answer you wanted." Shaun remarked, his voice stubborn.

I was so twisted up right now. How was I supposed to answer him? How was I supposed to say anything at all? He knew how things were in my head regarding Jack, and now he had to make an already complicated situation even more so. It was like we were in some kind of chess game, and he had just called check-mate.

"Why Shaun…why him?" I asked, my eyes wide. Shaun looked suddenly withdrawn as he tipped himself against a wall near the cinema.

"I didn't do this to hurt you if that's what you're thinking, I…I just fell under his spell."

"I don't know what to say to you, Shaun. This is like the worst possible outcome to this ongoing saga I could think of."

"Saga?"

"Well, things have hardly been normal lately, have they?" I retorted, flicking my hand in the air. Shaun just looked up at the sky and blew air through his lips.

"Fuck," he whispered, probably more to himself. "So, how is this gonna work, Joey?"

"I don't know, what can I say? It’s like all the words in my head have gone. There is nothing I can say to you that makes this better for either of us."

"Well, how do you feel about Jack?"

"You KNOW how I feel about Jack," I hissed, almost franticly.

"Okay, okay, no need to flip out Joey, like I said, I didn't plan for this to happen."

"You know I expected something like this from Dean, but you, Shaun, I can't believe you would do this."

"Now hang on just a fucking minute Joey, I haven't done anything. I can't help my feelings, just like you can't."

"Yeah, but you knew how I felt, I spilt my guts to you on more than one occasion about Jack Stanton, and you had every opportunity to take a step back."

"Yeah, and I should have done. I’m sorry, I don't know why I didn't., But, look, Joey, I don't wanna…."

"Hurt me…yeah, you said that." I said, running a hand through my hair."

"Well, I didn't; you know I wouldn't do that to you."

"It's not just that; it’s the whole you and guys thing. I mean fuck Shaun, why didn't you ever tell me?"

"Because I didn't know…remember what that's like?"

Yeah I did!

Shaun scraped his shoe up and down on the wall looking at the floor. I wanted to shout at him, scold him, tell him he's a horrible person, but the truth was, right now, he was the mirror image of me.

"So what now?"

"I'm gonna back off from him. I never said how I felt because I knew how you would take it, but I never intended to run off with him behind your back if that's what you think. In fact, I didn't know how I was gonna deal with it. All I knew is I was getting in too deep each day...I was starting to fall for him Joey, maybe I still am, but I'll deal with it. If it's any conciliation, I haven't even told him my feelings, so no harm done."

"I think he has an idea now," I said softly.

"What…how?"

"Because I basically accused him of leading you on, and he swore he didn't know what I was talking about, and that's when we sort of worked it out together, you know, what was going on."

Shaun rolled his eyes. "Great!"

Silently we both agreed it was time to start walking towards the bus stop so we could begin our journey to school. Occasionally I could see him glancing at me, wanting to make conversation. I knew he was hurting too, and I knew what sort of effect Jack was probably having on him because I felt the same. Jack felt like a forbidden fruit to me, and I wondered if Shaun felt it like that too.

"I think we should cancel camping," I remarked out of the silence as we walked.

"Oh, don't be stupid. Dean and Jack are looking forward to it."

"Hmm, I don't think Dean is," I said, frowning.

"Because of Jack?"

"Because of me now, as well."

"How so, what have you done?"

"Remember how I said I was gonna tell you why I was pissed off with Dean when you saw me in school yesterday?"

"Oh yeah, you said you were gonna tell me later…you never did get round to it."

"Yeah, I know, and probably on purpose. But, look, it's not like I wanted to keep anything from you. I just didn't have the energy to go into it."

"Okay, so tell me now then, what's happened…or rather, what has he done now?"

"Actually, it's more what I've done."

Shaun grinned for the first time today. "I'm listening."

"I went over to Dean's, and while sitting at the table with him and his parents, I accidentally blurted out that I thought Jack was cute. What I meant to say is that he was good…at the pub, I mean."

"No way! So dean knows about…."

"Everything, yeah…probably as much as you know," I said, cringing at the thought. I went on to tell Shaun everything that had happened after he stormed off from the table that day, how I had stood up to him and even how he called me to sort of apologise.

"I get a feeling this Saturday is gonna be really interesting," Shaun said, shaking his head.

"It could be good for all of us now I think about it. I think we all need to be together and just have a good time, nothing complicated, just good old fashioned fun, and I'm hoping Dean and Jack will bond a little."

"Yeah, me too, Joey."

"You mean that I mean with how you feel about Jack and all?"

"You know Joey, if you were anyone else, I would just be selfish and probably end up taking it further with Jack given half the chance, but I would rather sacrifice my feelings for him than lose my oldest and best friend."

"I still can't believe you're gay, you know. That’s just not what I expected."

"Gay is such a final word, if that makes sense. That’s not how I look at myself. It's more Bi actually, probably leaning female." Shaun articulated.

"Is jack…uh…."

"The first guy I've had feelings for?" Shaun said, glancing up at me.

"Yeah."

"No, actually, it's gone further than that if you want my complete honesty."

"I thought I always had that honesty, Shaun. I thought we told each other everything."

"We do; it’s just at the time I didn't know if I could tell you. It's only been since you've been telling me about your feelings towards Jack that I have been thinking of admitting something, but the time never seemed right."

"I get the feeling some big confession is about to fall from your mouth," I said, grinning.

We got to the bus stop and sat down on the stupid seats that you can never get comfortable on. Shaun was looking uncomfortable, almost squirming as he sat next to me.

"I did something ridiculous Joey."

"Silly as in silly or something that I'm not gonna approve of," I asked, getting nervous myself.

"It happened twice. I didn't expect it, or…or even want it. I was pretty drunk the first time, and it all happened so fast."

"What...what happened?" I asked impatiently.

Shaun shifted in his uncomfortable seat like he was preparing himself for a big speech. I looked at his hands clasped together. They were shaking.

"I had sex with that boy in Gran Canaria."

"The Spanish boy, the…the one who liked me?"

"The very one and I didn't use a condom."

"Fuck Shaun, you went all the way with him?" I asked, shocked, swallowing hard.

"Uh-huh, stupid, right?"

"Shocking, Shaun, not really stupid, I mean, yeah, no condom was a silly thing to do seeing as he was quite forward and all that, God knows how many people he's…."

"Yeah, thanks Joey, I don't wanna think about that part of it."

"Sorry…so tell me what happened. I, mean how?"

"You remember how on a couple of occasions I stayed outside a little while after you and Dean had hit the sack?"

"Yeah."

"Well, one night, I walked out of the side gate, you know, just to watch the waves crashing in. The moon was out, and it was shining on the water. It just looked beautiful. Anyway, I caught a glimpse of Spanish boy staring at me through the window in the villa next to ours. So I just smiled at him and went back to looking at the waves and didn't think anything of it." Shaun paused for a moment as if trying to remember what happened next.

"And…carry on,"

"Okay, okay, I'm thinking…so I was standing there, and the next thing I know, he's walking towards me in just a pair of shorts. I stood there wondering why, as it's not like we could have any kind of conversation since he couldn't speak a word of English. So I waited…waited to see what he wanted. Finally, he came and stood next to me, and we both watched the waves in silence. He then started stroking the back of my neck with his fingers, and…and my brain was screaming at me to tell me to get lost, but I didn't, I just let it happen."

"And then what?"

"Then he took my hand and led me down onto the sand by the volleyball court and gestured me to sit down, so I did. He knelt down and started to take my T-shirt off, and again I let him. Instead of being repulsed by him, he was actually giving me a hard-on. Before I knew what was happening, he was laying on his front sucking me off."

"You just let him do it?"

"Yeah, I let him do it, and I was actually enjoying it."

"Then what happened?"

"Then I shot my load in his mouth and felt immediately guilty."

"Why?"

"Why, Joey, why do you think? He asked incredulously.

"You regretted it?"

"Of course I did. It was hardly an experience I was planning or had ever been through before."

"But…but you said it happened twice."

"It did. By the next night, I was feeling different and felt like I wanted to see him again…you know, just curious and all that, and that's when it happened."

"Happened?"

"Yeah, the night we went all the way. You and Dean had gone inside again, and I went back out there around the same time. I don’t know if he expected me to be, but he was already outside the gate when I walked out. So we both walked down to the sand again, and he pulls out this bottle of lube from his shirt pocket. He started taking my clothes off again and lubed my dick up before he got on all fours and pushed up against my dick with his butt."

"Fuck Shaun, this is giving me a boner!" I admitted, adjusting my crotch as we waited for the bus.

"Yeah, me too, just thinking about it," Shaun said, chuckling.

"So carry on, this is starting to get fascinating," I said, willing him on.

"So yeah, he's pushing his ass against my dick, and I'm like…no, no, we can't do that, and he's just quietly whimpering like a small dog or something. At some point, when he was pushing against me, the crack of his ass sort of cupped my helmet, and fuck did it feel nice. After feeling that, I just lost my mind completely, and before I knew where we were, I was buried up to my nuts in guts, as they say."

"Wow, Shaun…fucking hell, man…the Spanish boy, it doesn’t seem real!"

"You're telling me…and then after about five minutes, I pulled out and shot all over his back. It was pretty hot for something I never expected I would ever do."

"Sounds like it," I said, nodding.

By telling Shaun that, it went some way to basically saying I liked cock, and I didn't even feel I was ready to admit that to myself yet, let alone Shaun. But I did find it hot, listening to him tell me about it. There was no denying it.

"One thing I found strange, though, is he never came. I mean, even after I fucked his brains out, he never wanted to cum. He just let me get dressed and walk off without a single piece of dialogue happening between us…weird, right?"

"Yeah, but perhaps he jerked off after you left. Maybe he knew your limits after you climaxed or something."

"Yeah, maybe…hey look, here comes our bus."

"About time!" I said as I adjusted myself again before getting up.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Dean, Shaun and I were sitting in the cafeteria having lunch when Jack came past us and smiled. I looked at Shaun, who was already looking at me and then we both looked at Dean, who was looking at both of us.

"What?" I said, not liking the dirty look on Dean's face.

"I know you want to invite him over to our table; you don't have to ask my permission, you know."

"I know I don't, Dean. I was just trying to judge the mood at the table."

"I think we should invite him over. The four of us are supposed to be going camping together soon. If we can't all sit at the same table together, then what's the point in going."

"Joey's right Dean, let him come join us."

"Hey, I'm not stopping him," Dean said defensively.

I waited until Jack had paid for his lunch and called him over as he walked to an empty table. He seemed pleased as he heard me call and smiled.

"Hey, thanks for letting me join you guys. I thought I would be having lunch on my own for a second." Jack said as he approached our table, tray in hand.

"You are always welcome to have lunch with us, Jack," I said, kicking Dean under the table.

"Yeah, Jack, join us any time you want," Dean added, trying out a small smile.

"So, are you all looking forward to Saturday? I picked up my uncles tent before school this morning. It’s in good condition." Jack announced excitedly.

"Yeah, it's supposed to be nice weather," Shaun said. "Have we decided where we are camping?"

"Becken woods sounds good, lots of dead trees for kindle, and there is a stream that runs through to a small lake…maybe we could go for a spot of swimming," I replied, beaming a smile.

"Beckon woods? We'll need to take a train to get there; it's almost out of London."

"Yeah, but it's quiet, and we'll probably be the only ones there unless you want a load of people hanging around our tents at night," I argued.

"Beckon's fine, and I'll see if my Dad can drop us there in his Taxi," Dean said. "Unless you wanna take the train?"

"Taxi," we all said in unison.

"So, who's sharing my tent?" Jack asked innocently. "Dean, how about you?"

"Uh…well, I um, I dunno, I thought you wanted to Joey."

"Relax, Dean, he's just playing with you; I’m sharing with him."

"You are?" Shaun blurted out loudly, causing us all to look at him. "Uh, I mean yeah, you are."

"That's cool. As long as someone is, I don't fancy spending a night on my own in the woods."

"Aww, does lickle Jack get scared of the dark," I said teasingly, putting my hand round the back of his neck and stroking it with my thumb, laughing. I suddenly realised Dean and Shaun were looking at me strangely, and I dropped my hand down again, my face turning more serious.

What the fuck are you doing, Joey?!

The truth was I felt a little more comfortable around Jack, especially since Dean now knew things and Shaun had just admitted the gossip of the century to me. So why should I now feel guilty about my new feelings? Why should I hide the fact I found Jack cute. The way he smiled, the way he walked, his ass wiggling in his tight grey school trousers. Yeah fuck it, I felt like I didn't wanna resist anymore. My feelings were my feelings and had nothing to do with anyone else.

Two things bothered me slightly…no, actually a lot. One was that I really didn't wanna hurt Shaun over this, and second, I didn't know how to tell Jack that my feelings for him were developing, after all, I had zero experience with this, I had never been with a guy, I didn't know what to do, what to say. I felt shy all of a sudden, and I was turning red for some reason.

"What's up Joey, you look a little hot," Jack asked.

"Just my food going down," I lied.