Puppy for Sale 3.19 - Life After Greenstone - 7. Dead Destiny

Remember me? I mean that day when you first read about me. The kid from Greenstone. The kid who had no tendencies towards... well, anything really. The kid where finding parents was the number one priority, all he'd ever want, need or desire? Wow, where did he go?

"Puppy, please do not slump at my table; you're making the place look messy. Now, will you please tell me what is on your mind, or I am going to have to suffocate you!"

I looked up at Mum as her words dragged me from my thoughts. "Mum, I think I'm a slut!"

"Oh... oh my! Wait, why?" She asked, clearing her throat.

"Because I don't seem to be able to settle. You know, since Hunter has been put in prison, I have had my eye on two guys, been inappropriate with a third, and that's just those who I have bumped into. Arrrgh, I loave myself. I even had dinner with a straight guy, Aldo, who I barely know, and while the conversation was one-sided, I found myself just thinking about how good looking he was."

"One-sided?"

"Yeah, you know, football and girls. Which I know nothing about."

"Then why did you go?"

"Don't know. Boredom... to look at him maybe. Like the forbidden fruit."

Mum chucked down the drying cloth she was holding and pulled up a chair, taking my wrist in her hand and squeezing it.

"You, Mr, are impulsive. You are just like your Dad. You are so much like him it is almost hilarious if what you were saying wasn't upsetting you. But listen. I've had lot's of experience dealing with your father, and so I know how to cure this affliction of impulsion." She smirked at me.

"Please, I'll do anything."

"I was just kidding. Your Dad is still impulsive. But look seriously, you're not a slut, Puppy. You might feel like one because your eye wanders around, but you're young; it's bound to. It's how you act on those impulses which will define you."

I took in a deep breath and let it out before looking at Mum intently. "I want to move back here. Is that okay?"

"My God, boy, I thought you'd never ask. Yes, come back home. You can start sorting Steven out, and in return, we will not charge you rent, But!" She looked at me thoughtfully for a moment.

"But?"

"You buy your own food outside that of dinner, and you contribute to the electricity and gas... shall we say thirty pounds a month?"

"And I buy my own snacks and stuff?"

"Yes."

"Deal!"

"Yes, it is. But I want you to save Puppy. Don't keep squandering your money on clubs and bars."

"Hang on, what's Steven been saying?"

"Enough. Look, I know you don't want to be at home alone all the time. I get how lonely that must be but going out drinking every...."

"Mum, I think you've been dealt a case of Steven's catastrophising. I really haven't been going out every night. I just seem to have developed this nice friendship with Joey. Oh, and I forgot to tell you. I met this guy called Burt, and...."

"I hope you were careful, Puppy. You know how these diseases get around in clubs and stuff."

"Mum, he's in his seventies."

"Oh, I'm sorry, I just assumed you...."

"No! But he's really sweet. He speaks in this kind of flowery song type language, and everything is so flamboyant."

"My, you are using some big words today. Flamboyant, catastaphising. Have you swallowed a dictionary?"

"Unlike Steven, I have attempted to educate myself past the level of an ape, Mum."

"Yes, you are right there. But, God, I wish I knew what was wrong with him. He's never been right since you left."

"Well, erm, I wanted to talk to you about that."

"Oh my God, he's not in a crack gang, is he? I mean, I see this all the time on TV, how it all starts with the making friends and then before you know it he's a mule being sent to Uganda to traffic it back to the UK."

"Mum, will you calm down," I snapped as she took on the demeanour of a hysterical cat lady. "No, he's not a crack mule. But I wanted to... shit; this is hard."

"What, just tell me. I can accept anything apart from drugs or robbery."

"Don't freak, okay?"

"Well, now that you ask me not to, I probably will. Am I right?"

"Mum, Steven has not been the same since I left because...."

"Yes?"

"Well, he and I have... issues."

"Have you fallen out?"

"No, it's kind of the opposite."

"I'm sorry I don't follow."

"We have feelings for each other. Well, him more for me, but...."

"Steven's gay?" Mum asked, her eyes now so wide they were almost out of their sockets.

"Well, he won't label himself, and that's cool, right? I mean, people don't have to have a label anymore, do they?"

"No, I guess not. But Puppy, this... this situation makes things very complicated for all of us. How far are you and him in?"

I wiped the sweat from my forehead and sat back in my seat. "Jesus, that makes it sound so smutty. Mum, we're not in anything. I only found out myself the other day from Cindy."

"I was about to mention her. Were they not seeing each other?"

"Yeah, were! Cindy said Steven's heart was never in it, and she couldn't find out why until she found... well, it doesn't matter. But yeah, he's apparently had feelings for me for a while, but no other guys."

"A phase?"

I shrugged. "Perhaps, but things have happened before."

"Like... sexual things?"

"Mum!"

"Well, I'm interested. This is such a revelation, Puppy."

"I know, but I can't sit here and give you all the details. I feel freaked out that I'm even telling you this."

"Then why are you telling me?"

"Because he's your Son, and I want you to know the reasons for his... well, behaviour and to let you know, it's not that bad, just pining."

"Well, thank you for telling me. So what would you like me to do with this information?"

"How do you mean?"

"Well, do I say anything to him... your Dad?"

"Oh, erm, well, I didn't think that far. I just knew I had to tell you before I moved back home."

"Oh, I see. So you mean you'll be sharing a bed?"

"What?! God no. I'll be in my old room. That's if it's okay?"

"Of course." Mum got up and put the kettle on while I sat exhausted by the conversation, wondering if I'd done the right thing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I got home around three in the afternoon and trod on a letter as I went through my front door. Then, picking it up, I went through to the lounge and switched on my laptop, thinking I'd better get some studying done before my shift at Zacks.

I looked at the envelope mildly intrigued before tearing it open from the side, the way I always did. Pulling out the paper inside, it was a letter from Hunter.

Dear Puppy,

I haven't heard from you since I got sent down, and with plenty of time on my hands, I have been thinking about why that would be almost constantly. I believe that your promise to wait for me until I got out is probably not true, so I'll make the logical assumption it's over between us. You know Puppy, you have brought me so much happiness these past two years. The pain I've had inside has been masked so well before you were in my life. From the bullys at school to losing my twin brother recently before we met, It's been you who has kept me sane. I guess all that is gone now. I say guess. I'll obviously wait for you to reply to this letter before I make my mind up about my future. But I needed you to know that inside here, feeling the way I do, thinking the way I am. I just don't believe you'll reply. If that is the case, then I understand. I do, Puppy. I've also been thinking about our little flat we own together. If we're over, just sell it and keep the money. I owe you that for the way I trashed our relationship. And, if I'm honest, I'll have no use for the money. I've almost had it here already, and I keep thinking about my Mum, Dad, My twin Brother... fuck my life! It's just been one giant car crash. I dunno what else to write, really. I just hope you're doing okay and I'm sorry I am so rotten inside. I don't mean to be. I try to be a good person, but I can't get rid of so many demons inside me. If I was to be really unselfish I should let you go and live your life and be happy. Get your degree and take over that Childrens home like you dream of. Just don't forget me, or our memories cos they are sacred and I'm glad we have them.

All my love

H

Well, Jesus, that was fucking deep, I thought, finally sitting down on the sofa, wiping a tear from my eye. "Shit", I muttered, worried about the tone of Hunter's letter. There was one line I kept playing over in my head. That bit where he said he'll have 'no need for money'. Is that like a way of saying he is going to kill himself? Or does he mean he's got that money his Dad stole.

I rang Taylor straight away, chucking the letter on the keyboard of my laptop.

"Hey Jensen, how goes it?"

"Oh Taylor, thank God you picked up. Hey, have you spoken to, or visited Hunter yet?"

"We spoke on the phone yesterday. I'm planning a visit in a few days. Why d'ya ask?"

"I just got this really dark letter from him saying he knows we are probably through and the fact he does not need any money from the sale of our flat and how I shouldn't forget him. But, if I read between the lines, I think...."

"You think he's gonna do something stupid?" Taylor asked as I got up and started pacing the floor of my lounge.

"Shit, Taylor. I don't know what to do. I mean, should I call the prison or something?"

"Jensen, hey, calm down, man. Look, leave it with me. I'll call the prison and try and speak with him too. He's in there with not a lot to do, remember? He's probably got too much time to think, and all that thinking is turning him to mush, and it's bound to come out in letters and stuff. He needs to remember that he is out in three months, maybe less if he is well behaved, and that should be his focus. I'll talk to him, okay?"

"Yeah, please, Taylor. I'd never forgiven myself if he did something stupid again. You know what he tried to do before when he started talking like this. I don't want him to be stupid again."

"Jensen, go have a glass of vino and chill. I will call you back once I have called the prison, okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, sure. Sorry, Taylor. I didn't want to worry you; I just didn't know who else to call."

"It's fine, man; I'm glad you called."

"Thanks, Taylor, see you later."

I heard Taylor hang up and threw my phone down on the sofa before taking his advice and pulling a half-full bottle of white Zinfandel from the fridge and a glass from the dishwasher.

Fuck, how could I study now? I wish I could be a hard bastard and not care so much, but I do. No, actually, I'm glad I do! What would be the point of living such an existence where you care about no one. How fucking shallow and awful that kind of person must be.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*BANG* *BANG* *BANG*

I shot up from the sofa after falling asleep revising. "SHIT" I cried, jumping up.

"PUPPY!" I heard Steven's voice from the other side. "PUPPY, LET ME THE FUCK IN!"

"Hold on. I'm coming", I shouted. "And keep your voice down, you'll annoy the...."

Whack, came a hard feeling on my chin as I fell backwards after opening the door. My elbows hit the hard surface of my hallway as I crashed down onto my back. Steven's glaring tall figure standing over me.

"What the fuck have you said? I mean, WHAT THE FUCK!"

"Whoa, hang on," I pleaded, trying to get up, feeling dazed. "Look, calm down, please."

"Calm down. You pretty much told her we were fucking, do you know how much of a fucking great big, black, deep, miserable, massive, dark, deaf, fucking fuck of a hole I wanted to open up?"

I almost smirked. "That's quite a hole, Stevie."

"Don't Stevie me, you blabbering cunt!"

"Hey, don't use that word. It's horrible."

"Grrrrr, there is no other fucking word Jensen!" Steven snarled, his white teeth glistening.

"Are you going to hit me again?"

Steven wrapped his hands around the back of his head and spat out a deep breath. "What the fuck were you thinking. DO you know what you've actually done?"

"I've done what you would have done. I've pulled off the plaster quickly."

"To our MOTHER? My God, we are so fucked when Dad finds out. We are so fucked."

"Oh don't be so dramatic. Dad already knows, has for years."

"I can't listen to you. You're mad, fucking dopey, cunting, no noddle fucking mad."

"Steven, while I admire your limitless vocabulary, I think you are overreacting.

"I wish you were dead, you fuck!"

"No, you don't, I'm the love of your life, it's just now a couple of people know about that, well and Cindy as well."

"Oh fuck off and get me a drink, something strong, whatever you have, and if you don't have it, you're going to the shop, and I ain't fucking PAYING!"

"Okay, okay. Are you going to let me get up without hitting me, though?"

"I might," he smirked before we both burst out laughing hysterically. "Oh, why the fuck," Steven asked between bouts of laughter.

Come on, let's get a drink. I'm done studying, and I'll call in sick."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Pfffft, I remember that day, yeah," Steven said, as we both lay on opposite sofas.

"Huh?"

"You were saying, about that day you turned up on my doorstep, that box in your hand."

"Steven, that was about five minutes ago."

"Yeah, well, I'm drunk. But anyway, listen to me. I think there was something even then. Remember when I stormed upstairs?"

"Very clearly, yes."

"Yeah, well, something was starting inside me even then. Then there was that day when I taught you how to bang out the dick juice, I...."

"You?"

"I dunno, I suppose I was fascinated by you. But I didn't know what was inside me or how to express it. Not that I wanted to. I fucking hated you as well at that stage."

"Didn't I know it."

"So, erm... so where do we go from here?"

"You mean you don't know? You? The guy who always has a plan, a scheme. The one who can't bear to be behind and not leading the situation?"

"Wow, you talk shit."

"Maybe, but at least I know what I want, Steven. I'm not this kind of Hybrid gay, straight guy who just has a thing for me, but is straight in every other social situation. We don't have any future, not an ounce, and I certainly ain't being an ass for you to put your dick in when you're horny."

"Hey, fuckface, that's shallow. I don't think of you like that."

"Steven," I said, looking at him. "There will be no us. We cant. I'll end up killing you, Mum and Dad would be really uncomfortable with it, and as I said, I'm not willing to be with someone who is only gay when in a closed bedroom."

"I think I better go."

"Uh, no, you don't, you're doing a classic hit and run on me. Yes, it's uncomfortable, yes it's probably not what you want to hear, but you tell me an alternative. And while you're thinking about that, I'm getting another bottle.