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- 05/30/2022
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Names, places, characters, events, and incidents are based on the authors' lives and experiences and may be changed to protect personal information. Any resemblances to actual persons (living or dead), organizations, companies, events, or locales are entirely coincidental.
Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you.
Dear, Grocery Shoppers - 12. D.T.E.
Nose-pickers.
These people irritate me. Not the actual nose-pickers of the world. By all means, go where man shouldn’t go. It’s just another nasty habit, like smoking cigarettes and wearing flip-flops with unmanicured toes. People do it for a reason, so don’t judge. I can see the benefit of picking one’s nose. Clears out the nasal passages.
Hmm? Right, my definition of a nose-picker. I’m talking about the people who do things without the general awareness of others around them. If you’re on your way out of a store and someone’s in the process of coming inside, and said person just stops for no reason in the doorway. They’re looking around, as if they’re inspecting the door handle and thinking, “Huh. This handle isn’t ADA compliant.”
Nose-pickers. They stop typical human automation for no good God-damned reason. I’m not sure about my readers, but Noah and I like to keep it moving. There’s too much to get done in the day for someone to be blocking the vitamin aisle. Sure, there’s about forty-five brands of tortillas, but unless you live in a cave, you know which kind your household buys. Some like Ortega, and some prefer Old El Paso. Then Taco Bell got in the game, but goofed up by not bringing the Doritos Locos Tacos to the grocery store shelves. Regardless, most know the brands and which ones they buy.
Then there’s the lack of common sense. Some nose-pickers don’t evaluate the options displayed to them. A good example here is what I call DTE. Drive-Through Etiquette.
What is the purpose of a drive-through? It’s to order, pay for, and collect your purchases in a speedy manner from the comfort of your motor vehicle.
A lot of people have relied on the convenience of this retail breakthrough for many years now, and some haven’t considered what happens on the other side of the wall. Different stores have different standards. Some are timed, particularly fast-food. The moment your vehicle comes in front of the menu, that timer starts. The longer you sit and say, “Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,” the more those workers will be berated later for "their" poor performance. Having worked in a fast food drive-through, those times are no joke. The working team generally has two minutes or less to get your order taken and off the property with food in hand.
Drive-through etiquette. There are unspoken rules for the speedy and reliable lane, and you should be aware of some of them. I’ll go over a few of these rules. The first one is pretty simple: know what you want. I know what you’re going to say, “bUt AaRoN, tHeRe’S a MeNu.” Yes, and I expect you to read quickly. You should have a general idea of what the store has to sell, and if you don’t, I recommend going inside if you are able to.
A few examples of what not to do or ask should you visit my liquor store’s drive-through:
“What kind of seltzers do you have?” This is a very loaded question. Brands we carry include White Claw, Truly, High Noon, Frizzecco, Svedka, Ketel One, Mom Water, Happy Dad, Bud Light, Michelob Ultra, Corona, Ranch Water, Topo Chico, and so many more. Each one of those have different flavors or varieties, and they can also come in multiple sizes. Six packs, eights, twelves, and tall-boys. I’ll gladly waste my customer’s time by naming off every single option for them because our drive-through is not timed, and I get paid by the hour. Alas, not all stores are treated equally.
A cute follow-up question: “Which one do you like the most?” Gurrrrrrrrl, do I look like I drink alcoholic Perrier? I don’t forkin’ know! Just because I work here doesn't mean I’ve been treated to a free sample of every product. You’re legit telling me you don’t have a preference? No brand loyalty? Can you even tell me if you prefer cherry or pineapple?
“Can you tell me the price of blahblahblah?” Hang on, let me find my sarcasm hat. Yes, I know the price of every single product in my store, both before and after state tax. Just as I turn to go get the product, they holler, “Oh, you don’t have to go get it!” Yes, I do. My POS (point of sale) has products named specifically. A 750mL bottle of Jose Cuervo Especial Silver is named Cuervo Silver 750, while its golden counterpart is Cuervo Esp Reposado 750. Did you notice the silver's tag doesn't say especial? Why is that? I don't know; take it up with the fart-sniffer who gets paid the big bucks at corporate. I don’t have magical barcodes lined up, so I have to type it in. Just like with the prices, I simply don’t have time to memorize every tag.
“Can I get a cup of ice?” For free, no. Simply because this is a liquor store, and I don’t have a fountain drink machine.
Follow-up question: “Dang, really?” Yes, dang really. I don’t make this shit up, bud. You think we're good friends, and I'm going to grab one of Sheila's styrofoam cups and fill it with our break room freezer's ice? We ain’t got it.
That’s enough examples. There are many points of DTE that deserve a mention, such as the driver’s behavior and actions. If I catch you smoking a cigarette in the drive-through, my customer service switch is instantly flicked off. If you’ve read the bubble on my profile labeled, “Profile Information,” you’ll know I smoke cigarettes myself. What I don’t do is have one lit in the drive-through. That’s completely disrespectful. Smoke and odors are now wafting inside the store. Someone may not be comfortable with being exposed to second-hand smoke, or dislike the smell. It may sound like the most American thing to do when buying booze, but it’s not. Standing outside to smoke the cigarette like Hank from King of the Hill is.
There’s also minor nuances such as having your money ready and specific bagging instructions addressed, but those don’t bother most workers. However, we do pay attention to everything. As a seller for liquor, I am required to pay very close attention to many different aspects of the transaction. I’m a hard-ass at my store, and my regulars know it because they’ve been forced to adapt. If I see an open alcoholic beverage in your vehicle, you will not get service. That tells me you’ve been drinking. Was it today, or six months ago? Don’t know, don’t care. Every transaction, I put my job on the line. There is no exaggeration with that statement. One of my coworkers was fired for not carding a simple cigarillo transaction, and the customer was an FDA agent. Instant termination.
If I smell alcohol, you’re done. If anyone speaks about any word that may be linked to alcohol, they need IDs. Ain’t got it? Well, I ain’t got you. If you come inside the store, you’re getting carded. The only exception to that is if I deem you young enough to require parental supervision; typically thirteen and under get free passes. But the second that kiddo touches a single bottle, your ass is grass.
There isn’t any, “I want to speak to your manager,” either. All of my employees know they reserve the right to refuse service for any reason. Their livelihood depends on that transaction, and they don’t need my permission to shut an order down. Failing to properly handle these purchases or attempted purchases may lead to substantial monetary fines, or even jail-time. Yes, jail. You think I’m messing with you? Go do some research on your state’s liquor laws. You’ll be appalled how serious this industry is.
So the next time you intend to hit up a drive-through, regardless of what business it is, think about how the person dealing with you feels. If you’re grabbing grub, plan your meal or order online for pick-up. If you don’t know what your local liquor store sells, go inside and take a gander. I promise, the air conditioning isn’t laced with poison. Hell, you might even find a new product that’ll tickle your fancy, or get you buzzed enough to get your fancy tickled. I don’t know about you, but I like a tickled fancy.
I do have some favorite scenarios involving the drive-through. Hey, surprise! Aaron’s not a complete fuddy-duddy.
I love most transactions asking for wine. Nine out of ten times, it’s very specific. Robert Mondavi Bourbon Barrel Cabernet? Got it. When it comes to wine in the fast lane, most people know what they want, and they know we have it. The only exception is the adventurous wine-o’s. I have a particular customer, and he loves me to pieces. Everytime I see that burgundy Rav4, I’m already on the hunt for a $15 bottle of something red. He doesn’t care what I end up handing him, but he knows I always pick a banger. He prefers a pinot noir, but I’ve been throwing curveballs at him lately. Now he’s a fan of Malbec and Bordeaux. I have yet to disappoint him.
Although, there are some wine-doofuses that rear their dented heads. “Can I get a bottle of Barefoot?” Cab? Merlot? Moscato? Pink Moscato? Red Moscato? Cranberry, pineapple, apple, peach, watermelon, strawberry Moscato? Pinot Grigio? Pinot Noir? Sauvignon Blanc? Chardonnay? Sweet Red Blend? Rich Red Blend?
I love getting paid by the hour.
All I ask of my readers is to be considerate. Plan ahead a bit. Remember some drive-throughs are based on speed. Be conscious of your intended purchases. Most importantly, don’t be a jackwagon like the crazy lady from the last chapter; use some sort of vehicle with wheels, damn it!
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Names, places, characters, events, and incidents are based on the authors' lives and experiences and may be changed to protect personal information. Any resemblances to actual persons (living or dead), organizations, companies, events, or locales are entirely coincidental.
Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you.
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