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Bible Sex Laws - An Exploration in Limericks - 1. Bible Sex Laws in Limericks
An Exploration in Limericks of Those Tricky Tabernacle Taboos
In the Testaments, both Old and New,
There’s a lot about who you can screw.
And the biggest concern?
You are warned, lest you burn,
Not to screw who the foreign folk do.
Not like Egypt – so don’t fuck your sister;
Not like Canaan – no mister on mister.
And the livestock are out,
Bossy’s pretty, no doubt,
But God frowns if you’ve so much as kissed her.
And your neighbor’s wife—also prohibited.
Silly bunts, to be so uninhibited!
It’s stoning for you,
Or a gallows for two,
Where you both will be flibbertigibbeted.
Close relations are not good to woo,
And sex without marriage? Taboo!
All your kin present dangers,
So fuck only strangers,
And marry them after you do.
Yet the patriarchs did crazy shit,
And none of them suffered a bit.
Abraham pimped his wife
For an easier life,
And Lot fucked his two daughters, lit.
As for “lying with man,” you can’t win,
It’s called toevah, the worst kind of sin,
Like eating a clam,
Or wool from a lamb
Getting mixed with the linen you spin.
When it says “no sex during her period,”
It does not at all mean “no sex, period,”
But these rules might bewilder
And leave you quite ill dur-
-ing sex. Side-effects, they are myriad.
And the number of wives allowed, son,
Changes in the Book’s publishing run,
First it’s “keep it to four,”
Then it’s “one and no more;”
Or for best results, just make it none.
As if Torah were not strict enough,
Good ole Jesus said “Time to get tough,
Sexy thoughts are a drag,
They’re as bad as a shag,
Even worse if they’re thought in the buff.”
“Oh, the things goys must shun, they are three,”
Said Saint James, “to be Christ’s devotee:
And one is porneia,”
“We’ll try,” is our prayer,
But no one knows what that might be,
For some translate it as “fornication,”
Or vaguely say it’s degradation,
But examine the texts --
Once again, it’s not sex;
It’s an act of some damned foreign nation.
In short, if we find something fun,
That’s exactly the thing we should shun.
So let’s trade all our urges
For fasting and purges,
And sign up for life as a nun.
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Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you.
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