Stronger Than Lions - 26. The Bottom of the Ocean

‘Cal! Wait, bru!’

I looked back and saw him struggling with his sweat pants, still bare-chested. He tripped and fell face-down in the mud and cursed.

I turned and nipped into the pine plantation that skirted the school’s southern border. I put my back against a tree to hide from the worst of the downpour. The rain was a thick sheet and I could hardly see a metre in front of me.

‘Cal! Please man.’ His voice was closer. ‘I know you’re here.’ I heard him scrambling around, and trip again.

‘Leave me alone.’

’Cal. It’s not what you...’

‘Not what I think?!’ My voice echoed across the artificial lake at the end of the woods. ‘Go back to your party.’

‘Jesus, bru. I was….’

‘Just fuck off.’ I could smell the beer and sickly perfume on him. I was furious, crushed, dizzy. I jogged through the woods. I heard him puke in the distance.

I thought of the ugly drunken smile across Chris’s face as Tricia lap-danced on him and his obvious hard-on. I thought of Frank looking on cheering. It all seared a hot weal across my heart. As I reached the Eastern Gate I was sweaty and flushed and the rain was an immense dome of pressure bearing down on me.

It felt like I was at the bottom of the ocean.

I stood on the pavement like an idiot, staring up at the waterlogged heavens. It was only when I felt water seeping into my shoes that I scurried to the bus shelter.

I was about to dial my dad when a car pulled onto the shoulder and hooted. The driver reached over and rolled down the passenger window.

‘Cal?’

I wiped my face. ‘Veronica?’

‘Fuck, you’re soaked! Get in, it’s open.’

I stepped into her green Golf and sat down, wiping my face.

Veronica’s curly dark brown tresses were loose around her long neck, and her eyes were large and kind.

‘What were you doing standing in the rain like that?’ she asked.

‘Walking home. I was about to phone my dad to fetch me.’

‘Where do you live?’

‘Newlands.’

‘Want a lift? I’m in Kenilworth, so that’s close. ’

‘Thanks. What were you doing driving by?’

‘Oh,’ she said, ‘I was going to fetch Tricia but she’s just called and said she was staying for some after-party with the team.’

“I heard about that,’ I said with a twinge.

‘‘You look pissed off. What happened?’

‘It’s nothing. Had a disagreement with somebody.’

‘Join the club,' she said, reaching for her handbag behind her seat. 'I’ve had my share of that this week.’

‘What do you mean?’

She put her bag on her lap and took out packet of menthol cigarettes.

‘Do you mind?’ she said, opening the box. I shook my head. She offered me one and I took it. We lit ours simultaneously as the rain hissed down.

‘You might as well know,’ she said. ‘Jason and I broke up.’

‘No way. You guys have been together for like since forever.’

‘Yeah,’ she said, taking a deep draw. ‘I know there’s no love lost between you and Jason, so I can say it—he’s a selfish prick. Power’s gone to his head ever since he became prefect.’

‘I’m sorry,’ I said. She looked sad. This was not the popular cheerleader and rugby groupie I was a little afraid of.

‘I mean we had…some other issues…before that, but whatever.’

'Must still suck.' I was grateful to not be the only one having a spectacularly bad day. 'Haven't seen you with your regular crowd either.’

‘There’s more to life than talking about boys and shopping and bitching about people behind their backs.’

We sat in silence smoking for a minute, until she stubbed out her cigarette and started the car. As we got onto the M3 my phone rang. It was my dad, calling to say he’d had to take the abscess patient to theatre and had had to call out the maxillo-facial surgeon to assist.

‘Your dad working tonight?’ asked Veronica.

‘Yeah. He’s going to be home late, so I guess I'll just get into bed and have an early night.'

‘Oh. You going to be alone? I thought Chris was staying with you—I heard his mom’s been ill.’

I played dumb. ‘Ja,’ I said and shrugged. ‘But I think he’ll be out partying with the team till late.’

‘The First Team doesn't usually carry on like this,' she said, shaking her head. ‘I think the coach is turning a blind eye to reward them for doing so well. Though God forbid we win, the coach and the Major might fly them to a resort in Mauritius.'

'In Grace Mayeza's dad's private jet, I'm sure,' I said in spite of myself.

'Sounds about right. You make me laugh, Mr MacLeod.'

I shrugged. 'One of the few things I seem to be good for.'

'Hmmm. Well, since we're both having pity parties, we could join forces, maybe? My parents are away for the weekend and my big brother’s gone out on the town. I wouldn’t mind some company.’

I regarded her cautiously. I thought again of Chris and Tricia.

‘Why not.'

‘Great. Let's get some junk food and a DVD on the way.’

‘Junk food? I thought you’d be all lentils and bean sprouts and stuff like that.’

‘Not always. And don’t worry, I’m not sticking my finger down my throat.’

I coughed.

‘At least...’ she added, ‘not anymore.’

* * * 

We took out The Hours from a store in Rosemead and got some KFC, which I only picked at as I was full from The Fat Cactus. It was strange being in her house. Despite the images from the rugby pavilion on repeat in my head, I was very aware of how visible her nipples were through her blouse.

I cursed under my breath at the semi in my pants. I sat down on the couch, leaning forward, trying to cover the evidence.

She walked into the kitchen and returned with a bottle of wine.

‘Want some?’ It was a 1998 Cabernet Sauvignon from Franschhoek. The bottle was adorned with three independent gold medals it had won at various festivals.

‘Looks expensive,’ I said.

‘Maybe. My dad’s got a whole wine cellar out the back. Doubt he’d miss this one.’

‘Okay then,’ I said, smiling for the first time in hours.

We watched the movie and then sat chatting and smoking. Soon we had finished the bottle.

I got up to go the bathroom. On the way back gravity was eluding me like it so often did when I'd had anything to drink. As I neared the couch I lost my balance and toppled over, landing next to Veronica.

I could smell her delicate perfume. It was so much nicer than whatever Tricia had been wearing and got on Chris.

‘Oh,’ she said, ‘you’ve got a wine stain.’ She put out a hand and brushed it across my cheek.

Then we were kissing. I grabbed her and we writhed around awkwardly on the couch. I was getting dizzy but our lips remained locked.

Her breasts were splendid things, like the Fabergé eggs I had seen in one of my mom’s art books.

It seemed like no time had passed when I found myself naked on her bed, as she deftly eased a condom over me.

She guided me to her secret space. I slid into her warm softness easily. She groaned a little and bit her tongue. As she wrapped her long legs around me the instinct urge took over and I started thrusting reflexively, buoyed by her moans. It didn’t last long, maybe half a minute. I let out a whimper as I came.

I collapsed on top of her, weak, and spent. She stroked my head as if I were a kitten.

‘Hey,’ she said, motioning me to roll off her. I shuddered as I pulled out and stared at the condom, filled with the evidence of what we had done.

‘That was fun,’ she said with a little giggle.

‘Was it?’ I said miserably. I turned away from her and sat with my head in my hands, nauseous.

’Of course it was. What’s wrong?’

‘I’ve never done this...’ I stammered. ‘And I shouldn’t have.’

‘Shit. Cal... was this your first time?’

‘Sort of?’ I said, pained.

She wrapped the sheet around herself and put a hand on my shoulder. ‘Oh! I didn’t know, Cal. You were fine. First time can be weird. It’s perfectly okay, dude.’

‘Thanks,’ I managed. ‘But that’s not what I meant. This—this shouldn’t have happened. Oh God. Oh God. What have I done?’

She reached out to put a hand on my shoulder and I winced.

'What’s it, Cal? Tell me.’

‘I’m a fucking cad. I’m an arsehole.'

She looked at me confused. 'You're like one of the most decent guys in school. A bit of an anxiety whirlwind sometimes, but, yikes dude, cut yourself some slack.'

'No, you don't understand,' I protested. 'Chris... Chris and I... oh jeez, now you know.’

She was silent for a moment and raised her eyebrows. ‘Oh fuck. You and Chris are... together?’

‘I thought we were.' I sniffed. 'Yeah, I know I’m a freak. But it’s me who did this—not him.’

She looked away and shook her head. ‘Hold on there,’ she said gently. ‘Nobody is a freak here. Shit. it makes sense now. I know you guys are close but… God, if I had known, I would never have fucking come on to you. Did you guys have a fight or break up or something?’

She was not judging me at all and I hated it.

'I thought he was cheating and now—oh fuck, now I’m the cheat…’

‘Cal. Chill. Tell me the story from the beginning. God knows I’ve fucked up stuff in relationships before. Let me make us some coffee so we can sober up and then you tell me, okay?’

‘Okay. Um, is there a shower? I want to take a shower.’

I was shy now, terribly shy.

‘Good idea. I think I’ll do that too. Use the one down the hall, I’ll use my parents’ en-suite.’

I nodded blankly and reached for my jocks and pulled them on, unable to meet her gaze.

‘Cal?’ she said, as I reached for the door.

‘Whatever was or is going down, I don't think anybody meant to hurt anybody. ’

The blood drained away from my face and I shuffled off to the bathroom.

I felt so dirty in that shower, as if I had soiled myself. It wasn’t that I wanted to wash off traces of Veronica. I wanted to erase myself—at least the parts of my brain that had done this. In the pounding stream, the alcohol’s chokehold eased and clarity began to blow through the corridors of my thoughts like an icy gale.

We sat in the lounge again, now facing opposite each other. I told her my story, right from when Chris and I met to her picking me up on the side of the road.

‘Oh Cal,’ she said as I finished, ‘you really are a bloody drama magnet. Is this your first relationship?’

‘Ja.’

‘Do you love him? It sounds like you do.’

I clawed my scalp as I pondered the orders of magnitude that separated a simple little lap dance from me jumping into bed with Veronica.

'I…. I absolutely do. But then how could I do this to him if I love him?’

She lit another cigarette. ’Hold up. When you saw you thought he was ready to have sex with Tricia, so you thought the relationship was over.’

I covered my face with my hands. ‘Yeah. Like I’d just been… been replaced. Like I wasn’t good enough any more. That I was just some kind of experiment for him. It could have been something far more innocent. They were all drunk, after all.’

‘And so were we,’ she said, shaking her head at the bottles of wine on the table.

'Christ.'

She blinked. 'Why is there always such drama with white boys? I'll never learn. You and Chris are good guys, but you've both been fucking stupid. And so have I.'

‘Yeah, well, how am I gonna live with this?’

‘You will. It's not like you deliberately cheated on him. But you’re going to have to tell him. And you haven’t heard his side of the story. You don’t know how far things did or did not go.’

I squirmed.

‘You really think so?’

‘Could you look him in the eye and pretend that nothing had happened? That’s not the Caleb I know. You have a reputation for integrity, dude.’

‘Some integrity,’ I said bitterly. ‘And how can you say you “know” me? And I don’t mean in the Biblical sense, because, oh fuck, now you do. We’ve hardly spoken before.’

‘One of the...many... reasons I got more and more distant with Jason is because of the way he treats you and everybody else who’s not part of his pathetic little cool crowd. I’m only sorry that I didn’t stand up for you earlier.’

‘Not your problem,’ I said, shrugging.

‘For the record, I broke up with him, not the other way round.’

‘I'm glad. You deserve much better than him.’

‘You’re sweet. Look. I think you're cute, and maybe there was rebound energy happening when we kissed… but please, I wasn’t meaning to lead you on.’

I rubbed my temples, trying to subdue the headache that had just set in.

‘I’m the one who messed up.’

‘We can go back and forth with this all night, but I hope it wasn’t the worst experience of your life. For the record, I enjoyed the moment.’

I let out a dry chuckle. ‘In other circumstances I might have been the happiest guy on the planet right now.’ It dawned on me I had just had sex with one of the hottest girls in school, a girl who was also the ex of my arch-enemy.

She gave me a slim smile. ‘I’m just sorry I can’t turn the clock back.’

‘Thanks.’

‘I think I better get you home. I'm sober and it’s past midnight.’

* * *

My dad was still up when Veronica dropped me. I’d managed to compose myself and was trying to slink unnoticed up the stairs when he spotted me from the main bedroom where he was reading.

‘Hey laddie,’ he said, getting up. ‘What a game I believe! So irritated I couldn’t be there. Go Wolves!’

‘Yeah,’ I said, managing a smile.

‘You guys must have had a great evening celebrating. Where’s Chris? I need to congratulate the man.’

‘Oh, he’s… he went out with the team. I’m tired. I think he’ll—he’ll be staying over at his place.’

My father raised an eyebrow. ‘As long as he’s safe. Are you okay, my boy? You look all pale.’

‘I’m just tired, Dad,’ I lied.

‘Well, there’s something on the bedside table for you, which I thought you might enjoy looking at.’

‘Dad?’

‘Some things your mother wrote over her years as a journalist. The Herald is fully archived now, so we always have access to that, but over the years I’ve kept a scrapbook of all my favourite things she wrote. I forgot I had it until I found it in my office the other day.’

‘That’s sweet. I could use something to... something to relax with.’

He put his arms around me to wish me good night. For a moment I felt safe—five years old again, being held aloft by my father as he whirled me around on the beach.

As I walked into my room I heard my phone beep and knew it was Chris.

—Hey. You safe? I meant to text earlier but I was sobering up. Don’t suppose I could call?

—I'm safe but I can’t talk right now, sorry. Are you safe?

—Yes. With Aunt Jenny at my house. And ok. Thought you might need some space. I hope you’re at home?

—Yes. About to go to bed.

—I fucked up big time Cal. I’m so sorry.

—I fucked up too.

—???

—Please. I said don’t want to talk about all this now.

—OK. Just know I love you. I really do.

—I love you too.

—K. Please let's chat tomorrow. Hope you get some sleep.

—OK. Afternoon maybe. You sleep well too.

—XXX

—X

I put down the phone and let out a deep exhale. I was about to yield to the latest spiral of anguish when I noticed the scrapbook my father had left for me. I folded it open to where he had bookmarked it with a Post-It note.

She wrote this particular one just before you were born and I think you... and Chris... might find it interesting and relevant! I believe in you both. Love you, laddie —Dad

I peered at the cutting. It was an editorial from 1986.

I started reading. I was still at the bottom of the ocean, but I was so far down that the storm above didn't seem to matter right now.