Heckle Me Not (Lest Ye Die - Laughing) - 2. Back To New York

I arrived at the bar a few minutes late. Getting a taxi in New York City on a Friday night? Piece of cake? Uh huh. Ned was at a corner table, and had what was likely a screwdriver in front of him. He flagged down a waitress and ordered me a kamikaze. How the fuck did he know I wanted one?

“Hi Prentiss, glad you decided to come.”

“You piqued my curiosity.”

“So, if I can convince you we’re not going to be dead men, as you said, will you consider joining me?”

“Not making any promises. And you have to tell me what happened with Mark.”

“Mark?”

“Yeah, the guy whose brain you broke back in seventh grade.”

“Okay. That will help convince you and you’ll never be able to tell anyone anyway if you don't agree to work with me.”

“Why not?”

“You’ll forget what I tell you. You’ll even forget we met before you get to your hotel.”

“My memory isn’t that bad.”

“No, but you’ll forget nevertheless. I’ll make you.”

“Ooooh. Mind control. Where’s Rod?”

“Rod?”

“Rod Serling. The Twilight Zone.”

Ned pointed his eyes upward for a couple seconds, “Ah, yes. Quite apropos. Yes, I suppose you could call it mind control. But often it’s more than the mind. For example, you can’t make a man explode his own heart. Although, maybe... Never mind.”

“You’re saying you reached into that man’s head and made his heart explode?”

“Oh. Heaven’s no. I had to reach into his heart. Didn't I just say using his mind wouldn’t do it?”

“Okay, let’s start at the beginning. Mark Dent?”

“Oh, that one was rather easy. I simply told his brain to rearrange a couple synapses. That’s not as obvious a way for the mind to consider it harmful, like explode your own heart.”

“So, you disconnected some wires in Mark’s brain.”

“No. A complete disconnect would be interpreted as a fatal move. Just to move the synapses to a wrong place is safe. Well, not harmful to the shell.”

“But where was he for a month?”

“In my basement.”

“For a whole month? You had to feed him.”

“No. To Mark, body and mind, he was in stasis only a few seconds.”

“You froze him?”

“In a sense. Yes.”

“How did you get him inside?”

“My father brought him.”

“And across town?”

“Dad, once again.”

“So you rearranged a few synapses, froze him, and turned him loose a month later without feeding him?”

“Not technically accurate. But probably the best way for you to understand.”

“Same thing with the three mob guys?”

“Again. In a sense. I couldn’t release them without making their shells, um, bodies, cease to function.”

“Release them? You’re getting battier and battier every second.”

“Blattier? How could I become more of a Blatty? It is just a name.”

“Battier. Stranger, more odd.”

“I don’t think it’s strange at all. My parents and I have released a number of humans in similar ways.”

“Again with the releasing. Releasing them from what?”

“Releasing them from this plane of existence. Damn, I wish I had told you more years ago. But my elders would not permit it. Brrrr. What is the saying, a grave just landed on my goose?”

“A goose walked over my grave. Okay, either you start making sense, or I’m leaving.”

“How can I explain this? Your language doesn’t have the right concepts. Wait. I think this will work, borrowing a concept from a series of novels. I am able to reach out with my Ka, and change things inside another.”

“My language. Your Ka? This whole conversation is kaka.”

“Then I feel a demonstration is necessary. Why does your left pinky finger hang free like it does?”

“I cut my hand once and cut through a nerve.”

“Perfect. Replacing your appendix would not have been possible. Remain still.”

I was still wondering how he knew I had my appendix removed when whispered something like ‘skashatoomaya’ and I couldn’t move my body, or any part of it except my eyes, even a millimeter.

“Toomayaskasha. You may move again. Bend your left pinky.”

“I can’t it’s... Holy shit!!”

My left pinky curled. It hasn’t been able to do that since I was eight.

“How the fuck did you do that?”

“I reached inside your hand with my Ka. Ah, a better word, my soul, and made your two nerve endings re-attach themselves to each other. No, soul is still not quite right either.”

I kept curling and uncurling my pinky. I was dumbfounded.

“So instead of fixing something with those three mobsters, you broke something?”

“As good a way to phrase it as any.”

“How did you learn to do that?”

“There is no learning about your Ka. It just is.”

“I give up. I think I’ll be leaving now.”

“Skashatoomaya. I cannot let you go immediately. If you must leave, I will have to un-fix your nerve and blank your memory.”

He was right, I couldn’t leave. Because once again, I couldn’t move.

“Blink your eyes twice if you really wish me to let you go.”

I had to use every bit of willpower I had to prevent myself from blinking. This was too creepy to not have it explained better.

“Excellent. Toomayaskasha.”

“Oh my God. You can really... um, control my body.”

“In some ways, yes. Those words will immobilize and free all your major muscles. You still would have been able to blink, smile, twitch your nose, things like that.”

“So, you killed all those guys?”

Ned hesitated, “Your definition of killed is not appropriate. Their bodies become vacant shells, while their Ka goes elsewhere.”

“Elsewhere? Like heaven or hell?”

“No, those basically Christian concepts are very far from the truth. Perhaps this will help. There are many planes of existence. When your Ka leaves your useless shell, it moves to another plane and starts life anew. A Ka can almost never die. Only the shell it currently inhabits ceases to function.

"So, like reincarnation?"

"Yes. Exactly. Good. You understand that."

"And there's no heaven?"

"Sorry, no. The enlightened races have conclusively proven that. No hell either. John Lennon imagined correctly."

"Enlightened people? As the saying goes, you're not from around here, are you?"

"Perhaps more evolved might be more accurate. No. My home is in the system of what humans call Megrez as the primary star."

"Megrez?"

"It is the star in your 'big dipper' where the handle meets the bowl."

"Have you ever been committed to a psychiatric facility because of your delusions?"

"You still need more convincing. When first we were reacquainted, do you really think you were that funny? Even in Las Vegas?"

"To be honest, no."

"Would it surprise you if I said I made you seem funny to all those people?"

"You... Wait, crowd-based mind-control now? Ned, you need help."

"Why can you not believe this? Is your finger no longer useless? You need more proof?"

"Okay, I'll give you the immobilizing me and maybe fixing my finger, but the rest of this? I call bullshit."

"You must give me a moment to confer with my elders. I believe there is only one way to truly convince you. Do I have to immobilize you again, or will you stay?"

"I'll stay."

"You speak truthfully. One moment."

Ned did the thing with his eyes looking up again, this time for a couple minutes. The waitress came by to check on him. I told her he was meditating and asked for a kamikaze pitcher. Two is usually my limit, but if I stop at only four tonight, I'll be surprised.

He returned from Delusion City, "Very well. I suggest you close your eyes, the travel can be very disorienting to your shell."

"Travel?"

"Please. Close your eyes."

I closed my eyes. A moment later I felt like I was traveling through space at a ridiculously fast speed. I swear I saw Jupiter and Saturn as I flashed by. Then it was nothing. A star in the distance gradually got larger until I felt like I was looking at one of those photos of the milky way, our galaxy. Sort of. Then I, or we, I suppose, but I didn't see Ned, were approaching an orange and green planet. I flew through what must have been a city, but it didn't look like any city I've ever seen, or could have imagined. Getting closer to the ground, I saw dozens of beings that sort of looked like Ned. Reddish orange hair covered their entire bodies, not just their heads. I approached a structure of some sort and flew right through the wall. There were six giants sitting on thrones.

None of them spoke, but I heard them, all speaking as one, nonetheless, "Welcome to Megrez Four, Prentiss Plummer, aka Laughs Luthor. Nedzemdalark has informed us he has chosen you to help correct your world's conflicts, but you refuse to believe what he has told you. You are among a select few throughout the universe who have been chosen to create peace on their world. This is a great honor, yet you resist. We understood humans were tied to their beliefs very deeply. You must release those beliefs. There is not enough time for your world to survive to groom another candidate. We cannot force you to help, but if you refuse, your world may cease to be within thirty-six point six one three of your days. Succeeding without you will be nearly impossible for Nedzemdalark."

"Open your eyes, Prentiss."

I did, I was back in the bar, the waitress was walking away, just as she was when the hallucination began.

"What the fuck was THAT?"

"Your Ka visited my world. Did our elders not speak with you?"

"Um, yeah. Weren't you there?"

"No. I am not allowed to look upon the elders, you have been given what would be considered a great honor among my people. I would only have been allowed to listen. But not this time. We are only allowed to communicate with the elders remotely until we become."

"Become what?"

"There are three stages to Megrezian life. One, is similar to your childhood, however our shells can last many of your centuries in this stage. If you are chosen, you transform into another type of being, mid-way between a child and an elder. This is called becoming. I cannot explain it another way, there is no direct translation into any Earth language. A very select few will later become an elder. When an elder's shell can no longer keep his Ka safe, it moves on. It is released from its shell and moves to its next plane of existence. A new elder takes his place."

"He said you chose me to correct our conflicts. That the Earth has thirty-six days before it is destroyed."

"That is less time than I thought we had. We may have to force some of your world leaders to vacate their shells another way. I believed your concept of dying laughing would be an excellent cover. I see very few other ways to get close enough to them to destroy their shells."

"Can't you just send your Ka into them and explode their heart or something?"

"That is my plan, but I need visual and physical proximity to do that. If I were to attempt to enter them from too far outside their presence, my mission would fail because that attempt would destroy my shell. I was a little too far from your Alfred Masters when I made that Booker fellow shoot at him. Booker failed because I was too far away. A foot or two further away, and my Ka would have been released. It is very difficult to get close enough to a world leader to do him or her harm directly without an intermediary."

"Wait. You were behind the assassination attempt?"

"Assassination is such a nasty word. Ours is a mission of mercy. We are trying to save your world. But I do not believe I can release the six men that is necessary to stave off human extinction in thirty-six days."

"Extinction? Wouldn't all of our Ka's just move on?"

"No. The release of that many Ka at one time would be catastrophic. The thousands of humans that were released in your World War Two with the atomic bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki destroyed their Ka. Those were two very sad and painful days throughout the enlightened of the universe. The destruction of over eight billion would have far-reaching ramifications. Hundreds of trillions of Ka could be destroyed by the pain of loss. I said before the Ka will move on, but there are exceptions. Instantaneous release of too many Ka simultaneously leaves no chance for the Ka to reach their next destination."

"What happens to them?"

Ned shuddered, a look of deep sadness came over him, "They simply cease to exist. It is very painful when a Ka ceases. The enlightened do everything possible to prevent even a single Ka from being destroyed. We feel the pain generated. A single Ka's destruction would feel like to you a piece of your shell being chopped off."

"But if you are successful in destroying the six shells you need to, won't their Ka simply start over?"

"Yes, that is true. There are two mitigating factors. First, those six Ka will very likely move on to different planes. There are over three thousand. Their conflicts alone would not necessarily be harmful. Secondly, once an evil Ka is recognized, changes can be made as the new shell germinates that will eliminate the evil. They are still monitored. Recognizing that evil is difficult. Only when there is enough of it on a single world can it be tracked down and destroyed. It has taken nearly a century of your time to recognize enough evil Ka to even begin to make a difference. Hitler, Mussolini, The Ayatollah Khomeini, Osama Bin Laden. Lee Harvey Oswald was a very sad case. The Megrezian that failed to prevent the release of Kennedy's Ka has had his Ka made to start over completely. Causing Jack Ruby to shoot Oswald was not significant penance. Each of those shells and many others have been destroyed by our people, but there is more work to be done. I am not sure I am up to the challenge. Few Megrezians have successfully destroyed more than six. I have already failed once."

"So, if I don't help you, the world ends?"

"Nothing is guaranteed. But my plan includes you. If I have to start over... There may not be sufficient time."

"Can't your people send others?"

"Once a Ka has transferred into its next shell, the laws of nature cannot be beaten. I, my Ka, was sent here twenty-six years ago. I started this life as you did, born to a woman and a man. Granted, they were Megrezians as well, but their Ka have already been released. Of all the people born on our birth moments, you have been the only one I have been able to utilize."

"How many Megrezians are there on Earth right now?"

Once again, Ned looked into his forehead, or so it appeared, "There are twelve. Five of them that remain are my contacts in each country. Plus six more, but none of those six are of sufficient maturity to be of assistance."

"You mentioned our birth moments, don't you mean our birthday? You were born in March and I was born in April."

"Forgive me. I will explain. Our concept of birth is different than yours. Birth, to us, is the moment the Ka and shell merge. In most species, that occurs as soon as there enough cells to accommodate it. Typically this occurs less than twenty-four of your hours after conception. My shell was 'born' prematurely, but our Ka merged with our shells at nearly the same time. That window is very small. I cannot work with someone whose birth moment was more than a few minutes after mine. There is no compatibility. I would not have been able to 'make you funny' to that many people were we not compatible."

"How many people in the world would you be compatible with?"

"Less than one thousand. It would likely take the elders more than thirty-six days to find another. You were always the one I was destined to work with. When you changed your name, it became nearly impossible to find you again. If my parents had not moved away from you when we were fourteen, we'd have had more time. I am very doubtful of my success right now.... What? That helps."

"Wait, what helps?"

"I have just been informed one of the world leaders I must release has expired. There are now only five. We have approximately one week per target. You have to decide now. If I have to get into close proximity of these five without a 'cover story,' I just don't know how I could succeed."

"Do you have to release all of them? If there was only one left, who would they have a conflict with?"

"You are right. We must release four from their current shells. My failure with Masters has made it more difficult to get close enough to him. He must be the remaining one."

"Does the Ka of these four have to be released? What if you just debilitate the shell? Like you did with Mark."

"I should have told you more, sooner. You have very good ideas. We can do that and still succeed. Can I have my North Korean contact set up the show?"

"How will we get in and out of the country?"

"We will have to travel on a private plane and land at a private airstrip. That complicates things but is far from insurmountable."

“But I have a few more questions.”

“Go ahead.”

“You still haven’t told me why we wouldn’t be killed.”

“I thought that may have been understood. Our shells may be destroyed, but our Ka will move on.”

“Whoa. I don’t want this shell destroyed.”

“Unfortunately, that is your choice. But if your shell is destroyed in the attempt, your Ka may survive the destruction of Earth. If you do not try, both your shell and Ka will be destroyed, and that would be far worse.”

“Can’t I think about it?”

“For how long? Thirty-six days is already too few.”

“Wonderful. Okay, last question for now. Am I Megrezian?”

“You must not ask that question.”

“But I am asking.”

There he goes again, looking into his forehead.

“I agree. It must be done, and there is no time. Yes, Prentiss. You are Megrezian, but that fact had been hidden from you. A Megrezian cannot knowingly be influenced by another Megrezian. Now that you know this, we must work together in an altogether different fashion. It may be easier to accomplish our goal, but there is a greater risk.”

“What greater risk?”

Again with the eyes.

“If we are not one hundred percent compatible, we will destroy each other’s Ka, along with the target.”

Next Up - “The Mission Begins”