Salvaging the Road to Redemption - 6. Chapter 6 - Problems

I woke up with a slight jump.

That's not right.

No, I woke up in a full-blown panic. My back spasmed as I bolted upright.

You can't breathe.

My lungs gasped for air struggling to control the rate of intake, I could feel my diaphragm straining in my midsection as it worked to fully expand and contract my lungs. Sweat dripped down my skin, I was soaked and didn't know why.

Your chest hurts.

I could feel my heart pumping hard, it was so bad it felt like both it and my lungs were fighting for space inside my rib rage. My whole chest felt tight like it was about to come apart and I was terrified it would.

The muscles in my back, my sides, and my legs, continued to contract and relax over and over and over again and I couldn't get the flexing to stop.

'Please slow down, slow down, slow slow slow.' I fought internally trying to will the commands to the parts of my body that normally only responded to autonomic signals from my brain.

It wasn't working, the pain in my chest was increasing as my heart pumped even harder.

I closed my eyes and tightened my body for what I knew was coming next. The human heart wasn't meant to pump blood this fast, the rational part of my brain that paid attention to biology and health class knew this, organic blood vessels were not designed nor constructed for the pressure being distributed.

I winced at the cusp of what I thought would be the max I could take, and suddenly…

Nothing.

I collapsed onto my back as my heart rate went from running in a horse race to sleeping as I just was.

My eardrums thundered in the aftermath as my circulatory system returned to its normal state.

"What the fuck was that!?" I said aloud.

I stayed on my back for a few minutes, just to make sure the earthquake my body just had didn't have any aftershocks, then cautiously sat up.

I was genuinely confused as to what the hell just happened. I checked the clock on my nightstand it was 7:45 AM. I grabbed my phone to check the date, It was Saturday, my day off. Well everyone's Gus didn't believe in working on the weekends so the garage was closed.

I thought about the night before, I remembered being tired and vaguely recalled Alex trying to talk to me as I was getting home. I looked around the apartment, everything seemed to be in place.

I was at a complete loss.

Everything was where it should have been, nothing had happened the night before, so logically speaking whatever I just experienced shouldn't have happened.

Right?

I stood up, stretched, and checked my phone again. This time, I noticed I had a missed call from Josh. I started to feel a little dizzy. After clearing the notification and setting the phone down, the feeling went away.

"Christ, I don't have time to be sick," I thought to myself. "School starts on Wednesday, there are two normal work days left, and then the double duty of work and school, plus homework, and normal stuff like cleaning the house, doing laundry, cooking, and dishes."

My stomach growled at the thought of food. I realized it had been a while since I ate. Was it lunch yesterday?

As I remembered yesterday's lunch, another dizzy spell hit me, and I reached out for the wall again.

I shook off the feeling as soon as it dissipated a little and went to take a shower.

A little while later after I had showered, dressed, and completed all the personal hygiene tasks I felt better.

"Well, I guess I'll get something to eat then," I said to no one, as I grabbed my keys off the hook. I performed my standard check for essential items saw my phone on the nightstand and decided to leave it. Not many people had the number anyway.

I stepped out the door closed it and slid my key into the lock.

"Hey," A voice said as I was about to turn the key. I turned my head and saw Alex's head sticking out of his apartment.

"How do you always seem to know when-" I was cut off.

"Thin walls? I can usually hear most of everything you do. Well, for the most part, you're pretty damn quiet to begin with."

"It's a habit."

"Are you going to work?"

I shook my head, "Day off, I was going to get something to eat on the corner."

"You trust that place?"

"Well, I haven't died yet so, yeah." I twisted the key and heard the bolt shoot home.

"Can I come with you?"

He was fully clothed this time. Nothing too fancy just jeans and a T-shirt.

"Sure."

He quickly locked up his place and conversation waited until we were out of earshot from the owner's office on the first floor.

"I figured you'd be hanging with your friend or something today."

My hand went to my stomach as that queasy feeling returned, "Nah. We do hang out, just not every day." That lie was so easy to tell, it rolled off the tongue so smooth.

Why was that so easy?

"Guess it's good that I'm free, you did say we could hang out today."

I stopped dead tracks and looked at him questioningly. "I did?"

"Yes. I asked if you wanted to hang out last night but you said you were tired, so here we are." He explained as I started walking again.

I frowned, "I guess I was so tired I didn't remember. I mean I remember you but not the conversation. I crashed as soon as I got inside."

"Must have been a good sleep then."

"Probably the best." I casually left out the part of my heart trying to explode in my chest, it wasn't necessary to share.

We made it to the shabby little diner on the corner, it was as run down as the building we lived in, but I found the food to be acceptable, and more importantly, it wasn't expensive.

I ended up ordering a basic breakfast fair and Alex followed suit, pretty much mirroring my order.

"You're the first person I've met from uh… you know. That's out of it. I mean recently out of it."

"Recently?" I asked raising an eyebrow.

"I know some people that are older, but no one my age." He said clarifying his answer.

"How old are you?"

"As of two weeks ago, 18."

I grunted, "I'm 17."

"The fuck? And you're out already?" He asked genuinely astonished.

"I turn 18 in November. But I had a job, I was saving money, I had good progress reports, so my social worker shows up one day and tells me I'm done and hands me emancipation papers signed by a judge."

"Damn, I didn't know that could happen."

"Neither did I but here we are." I shrugged my shoulders and thanked the server when the coffee showed up. "Are you staying in school or just gonna do whatever."

That made him fidget in his seat. "I'm going to try," the answer came in a way that didn't sound encouraging.

"I'm going to finish it out and graduate," I stated before he had a chance to ask. "Don't let all this freedom rush to your head."

Alex made a face, "since I'm older aren't I supposed to be lecturing you?"

"Any words of wisdom then?"

"Yeah don't drop the soap."

As if anybody had to tell me.

Alex and I spent the rest of the dining experience chatting and comparing our experiences in foster care. It seemed like he had it easier than I did, but I wasn't sharing everything, so he probably wasn't either.

The more I talked to him, the more I realized how subtle and sly he was. There always seemed to be an underlying subtext that I couldn't quite figure out. I had a feeling that Alex was the kind of kid who could make things disappear without anyone noticing until long after he was gone.

It did feel good to be able to connect with someone who had the same kind of background, even if he was as sly as a card shark.

I beat him to the punch when it came time to pay, it wasn't expensive and I figured maybe the gesture would throw some karma my way.

"You sure?"

I rolled my eyes, "Alex it's breakfast, it's not like we're buying a house."

"You're way too serious for your good."

"And you're way too slick for yours," I replied as we started back to the apartments.

"You noticed."

"Damn right, I noticed. I bet not only did you steal candy from the crying baby, but you also managed to get someone else in trouble over the missing sucker didn't you?"

"Busted." He snickered, "Guess I can't hide anything from you."

"So please don't try."

I was sliding my key into the lock on my door when Alex asked, "So, do you want to hang out some more?"

"Do you know that you always choose to talk to me when this key is in the lock, before I've had a chance to turn it?"

"At least there isn't a hooker standing in the hallway this time."

I turned the key and unlocked the door. "I don't drink or smoke."

"So, what you're saying is you're no fun."

"Exactly."

"Video games? You can come over."

"I'm not very good at them."

"Well, you're not any fun either, but I'm still willing to try," he said as he flashed me that sly grin. Damn, why did he have to be cute when he did that.

"Fine. I just need to check my phone."

I entered the room and closed the door. What I really needed was a few minutes alone to gather my composure. I had no intention of taking the place of his escorts, especially since I would never let anyone touch me like that in the first place.

I shook off the fog that had crept into my senses. I tossed my keys on the counter, sat on the edge of my bed, and checked my phone.

I had three missed calls, all from Josh. A rush of emotions hit me as a shiver ran down my back.

I absentmindedly called him back, and he answered on the first ring, "Hey!"

"Hey," I replied.

"Is everything okay? I called to see if you wanted to grab breakfast or hang out or something."

"Oh, dude, I'm sorry. I forgot to charge my phone, so I left it at home. I just got back from eating at the diner near my building."

"Oh…" He replied in a tone of voice I'd never heard before. It made me feel... sad?

"Yeah, as for the rest of the day, I've got so much stuff to do before next week. I'll tell you what, though. I'll give you a call at some point if I get clear of it," I explained.

It was my voice, but it wasn't me. It just came out. Wait what's going on?

What.

"Sure Ben that's fine-"

"Cool Josh, talk to you later," I said before he could finish his sentence, my thumb ended the call, closed the phone, and tossed it on the bed before I could gather my thoughts.

Wait, wait, wait wait. I did just do that but I didn't. What is going on? I needed to call him back, I mean I didn't just say those things did I? I blindly reached for my phone.

I felt dizzy again and this time it stayed and I laid back on my bed and closed my eyes.

A knock at my door caused my eyes to snap open. I was still in the same position I was a moment ago and I got up, to answer it.

"Dude, what happened? Are you okay?" Alex asked as soon as the door opened.

"Yeah, I said I was coming. I just had to check my phone."

"For two hours?"

I was floored. My head snapped towards the clock. "What the…" He was right. It had been two hours. I looked back at Alex. "Dude, I, um..."

I ran my fingers through my hair. "I…I don't know what happened. I had a missed call, I returned it, and after it was over, I laid back for a second and literally blinked, and it's two hours later?"

"Usually, someone has to be drunk or high for this to happen. You know that, right?" Alex moved in and sniffed right up in my face and snapped his fingers right at my eyes. "Yet I don't smell alcohol, and your eyes react normally."

"Space Aliens?" I offered with a shrug.

I spent the rest of the afternoon hanging out with Alex next door at his place. Despite having similar rooms, mine was in better shape. Alex was kind of a slob, but I understood where that came from. After years of dealing with other people's rules in other people's homes, we were finally free to do what we wanted, and he took full advantage of that.

There was some innuendo, and he beat me in every game we played. I was enjoying myself, but at the same time, something felt wrong and it bothered me.

We played until sundown, then ordered pizza, which he paid for this time, and played some more.

Sunday was a repeat of Saturday, except this time I didn't wake up feeling like I was about to die. I hadn't talked to Josh at all since that brief phone call the day before, and he hadn't attempted to call again.

As the day dragged on, I felt a little more empty inside than I had previously. Of course, Alex noticed, but I played it off as nothing of importance, feigning the reality of school starting or some other made-up anticipation people would normally feel. I made it up, and he let it go.

On Monday, I returned to my usual routine, at least until Wednesday. Josh picked me up as usual, we stopped for breakfast, and I tried my best to engage in our usual small talk. I didn't want him to ask me what was wrong, so I pretended everything was fine.

Work was busy as usual, which was a relief because it kept me from overthinking. I liked working at the garage, or maybe I just enjoyed having something to focus on other than my own thoughts.

I was working on invoices when Anthony and Josh came into the sales area, chatting and joking with each other. I didn't look up, but I felt a tightness in my chest and a pang of longing, as if I were missing something.

"Hey Ben, are you ready for lunch?" Anthony asked eagerly as he playfully punched Josh on the shoulder in response to a comment he had made.

"I think I'm just going to stay here, guys. I'm a little behind today," I said, forcing a small smile.

Josh's demeanor and facial expressions immediately changed. "Are you sure? Is everything okay?"

"I'm sure," I said, meeting his eyes and trying to appear genuine.

He paused for a moment, as if about to call me out on my excuse, but it worked. "Okay… Do you want us to bring you anything?"

"I'm good, I already ate the rest of what we had this morning an hour ago," I lied blatantly.

"If you're sure… See you when we get back," Josh said as they left. I could feel them glancing in my direction as they departed, but I stayed put until they were gone before moving.

"What the hell are you still doing here?" Gus boomed as he came in from the garage.

I winced visibly, and it took everything I had to keep me on my stool. "I wasn't hungry."

"Uh-huh," Gus replied, not believing it. "Is there an issue?" he continued.

"I don't know, Gus." Finally, I was able to admit the truth. "I just felt I couldn't today. It felt wrong, and I don't know why," I added feebly.

"Have Josh or Anthony done anything to upset you?" Gus asked as evenly as he could. He didn't like what was going on.

"No."

"When's your next appointment?"

"Saturday morning," I responded automatically, remembering the new schedule.

"I don't like this Benjamin. Somethings wrong. I can see it in your eyes." Gus said more gently, "I'm not going to pry, you and I both know that won't work. But if it gets worse we're going to have words."

"Yes sir, I understand," I said meekly.

Gus entered his office without saying another word, this time without slamming the door. I let out a cool sigh of relief. Up until this point, I hadn't realized how perceptive Gus was. I always had the feeling that he had experienced more in life than he let on. The fact that he could switch from being a gruff, tough garage owner to something else entirely added to my confusion about the man.

About fifteen minutes later, Gus's lunch delivery arrived. A few minutes after it did, he unceremoniously placed a food container in front of me.

"Eat," he said before disappearing back into his office.

I gave him a smile that he didn't get to see, and that was that.

I felt increasingly uncomfortable whenever Josh was around. Whenever he approached, I found myself wanting to be anywhere else. Outwardly, I tried to hide my discomfort by maintaining our usual level of conversation and banter. I still joked with him and Anthony, but my perception of Josh had changed since last Friday.

Whenever I tried to analyze this change, my head felt foggy, as if it wouldn't let me remember something. Nothing significant had happened on Friday – no fight, no physical altercation; it was a normal day. The more I tried to remember or analyze the situation, the more rapid my breathing became. My forehead felt numb, along with my lips and cheeks.

What the fuck was wrong with me?

By the end of Monday, I could tell that Josh knew something was wrong. It was affecting him too; he seemed like he wanted to say something but couldn't, or wouldn't. I knew at some point he would reach the point of no return and say something, but thankfully the trip to my place wasn't it.

"See you tomorrow, dude," he said softly, glancing in my direction with a longing look on his face.

"Thanks, Josh. Yeah, tomorrow."

I felt terrible watching him drive away. Maybe Gavin would have answers when I spoke to him on Saturday.

I made what seemed like my death march back to my apartment, I slammed my key into the lock on my door, twisted it, and counted to three.

"Hi, Ben!" Alex said as I opened the door.

"Hey, Alex."

"Wanna come over for a few?"

"Not really," I said honestly.

He gave me a pout and came closer. "Aw come on man, I just want to-"

His hand had gone to the small of my back, and something so deep inside completely snapped. My body shifted uncommanded, my hand grabbed his wrist so fast and held it tightly with such veracity and force he jumped. I could feel my fingers applying pressure.

"Don't touch me there," I warned with venom, I never knew I possessed.

"Ben I-"

"You think I'm easy, don't you? You think I'm a fucking whore don't you." I growled menacingly, my grip was getting serious and I slowly started twisting his arm forcing Alex down to his knees. I was no longer in control.

"Ben please I'm so-"

"Don't say you're sorry. You pathetic stupid child." My words echoed from a memory, it had been me whimpering, with a hand on my wrist, one of them had told me those words shortly before the unthinkable had happened.

"You're hurting me." Alex cried out as a tear started to roll down his cheek.

My hand immediately let him go and he fell backward onto his ass.

"Alex I…Dude" I tried. He was having none of it. Quickly he got back to his feet not taking his eyes off me before he went back into his apartment and closed the door.

My heart sank as I heard his deadbolt shoot home as it locked.

I quickly went into mine and closed the door locking mine as well. My God, what have I done? What is going on?

I couldn't think. I just… no.

I put my things away stripped down and crawled into bed. I popped the prescription bottle and took whatever fell into my hand.

Just no.

I was abruptly awakened by the sound of my cell phone ringing the next morning. Initially, I tried to ignore it, but it just wouldn't stop.

Finally, I answered, "Hello," in a flat tone.

"Benjamin, where are you?" Josh's concerned voice jolted me awake.

"Huh?"

"Dude, buzz me into the building. I'm coming up."

"Just come in when you get here; the door will be unlocked," I said, and ended the call. I quickly got up, unlocked the door, and pushed the button on the panel to buzz open the front of the building.

I glanced at the clock and realized I had overslept. In a rush, I quickly entered the bathroom and turned on the shower, not wanting to waste any time waiting for Josh to arrive. Despite the hot water, I couldn't shake off the feeling of being tainted and unclean after my encounter with Alex the night before. No matter how hard I scrubbed, the feeling wouldn't go away. I knew I couldn't stay in the shower forever, so I turned off the water, grabbed a towel, and began drying off.

After a few minutes, I wrapped the towel around my waist and left the bathroom. I must have looked terrible because Josh stopped pacing and gave me a long, hard look. Worry was evident in his eyes, but his expression softened when he saw that I seemed okay on the outside.

"Sorry, I overslept," I said as I made my way to get my clothes for the day.

"I just…" Josh started, then stopped. "I care, okay? This is the first time you weren't there. And after yesterday…" He trailed off and stopped, then asked the dreaded question. "Are you okay?"

Those three words just made me want to collapse on myself. I wasn't okay. I felt far from okay. I was not okay. It was the fear of the admission, fear of the answer that kept me silent.

"Josh, I'm just…" I tried. I didn't want to lie to him. I almost did, but I stopped myself. "Listen, I don't know, okay? That is at least honest. I don't see my therapist till Saturday. I can see him sooner if it gets worse, but right this second I can't give you an answer. Can you please, please, for just this once, let it go for a while," I pleaded finally looking into his gaze.

I could tell he was at war with himself, to accept my request, or to push through with enough was enough. My request had won.

"Okay." He said with a sigh as he flopped down on my couch.

I started getting dressed while being as modest as I could, which fell flat once I had my boxers on. Josh stayed rooted in his seat until I was done. I grabbed everything I needed to get and we left making it to the garage at the normal time.

It was becoming obvious that Josh knew something was wrong. As we worked, we all continued with our normal tasks, and I made sure to stay focused on my job and not get caught up in my own problems. I couldn't afford to do that right now.

Lunch was different this time. I knew Josh was going to try to get me to go out, but Gus intervened before he had the chance.

"Benjamin, we're going to have a working lunch today since tomorrow is your first day of school. Let's go over how this is going to work," Gus said, as Josh overheard from a short distance away.

"Sure," I replied, and that was that.

Of course, Gus was serious and we did eat while we went over specifics. The simple truth of the matter was Gus hated doing the office work. He was a mechanic and had been a mechanic his whole adult life. He built his business and his reputation on being a mechanic first and foremost. That didn't make him a bad businessman, he made some sound investments in his time but turning the wrench was his thing and he loved doing it.

His latest investment in the business was what we were going over, and I was happy to have the distraction to go over it with him. He had sought out a vendor that had software on a tablet device so they could do the initial write-ups and estimates more easily. And since it was wireless they didn't have to be behind a desk to do it.

"Now this ain't to replace you, Benjamin, what this will do is let us get stuff to the printer fast so we don't get backed up. The techs will grab them off the printer directly and go from there."

I nodded, "So this will help get rid of that log jam we get into when I'm not here."

"Exactly." He replied, "And when you come on shift, you'll get handed the tablet and handle the write-ups just as you have done before. Now if I could just get you to get a driver's license so you could do bank deposits and all the other crap that needs to be done." He finished looking at me with one of those looks.

"I ah…"

"I'll teach you to drive myself if I have to. I'm sure between me Anthony and Josh we can get you your license pretty quick."

I had never thought of that.

"This is going to happen after you get situated with school and talk to your guy about whatever the hell is bothering you," Gus said flatly. "Listen I know what it feels like to have everything thrown at you from a hundred different directions at once. You struggle with which way is up when all you have to do is actually look up."

I nodded in silence.

"Lecture over. Go finish your lunch, I got to make a few phone calls before the guys get back." He said picking up the receiver from his desk. I knew a dismissal when I heard one so I gathered my things and went back to my stool.

I wish I could say some great revelation had come to be that day, but it didn't. If anything I felt more lost. The only solace I had that day was when it was over.

I sat in my apartment that night alone after Josh dropped me off. I had a problem, and it was getting worse. I could feel myself becoming unglued at the seams, I could almost feel the cracks at my foundations but I didn’t know how to fix it, or if it could be even fixed.

The biggest problem I had though was yet to come.

Tomorrow I had School.