Even Stars Die - 22. Chapter 22

Patrick's voice is solemn. 'Are you okay? Where are you?'

'At the airport. Can you...can you pick me up?'

'Sure, I'll be there in twenty minutes.'

I'm standing outside one of the exits at O R Tambo International. I'm exhausted. I'm not in the mood for team company. I'm not in the mood for anything. I just want to get home and sleep. This entire affair has been a disappointing nightmare. From the moment I met him I should have kept my distance and refused his advances. The signs had always been there, I chose to ignore them.

Patrick turns into the parking lot like a daredevil, he drives worse than a kamakazi pilot, I often find myself hanging onto the roof handle when he drives me around. I climb in next to him.

'Drive.'

'Where to?'

'Anywhere, just drive.'

He accelerates and says, 'She told you. Your face is ashen.'

'Alex told me. Well, I actually told him.'

'You what?'

'Forget about how it happened, Pat. You knew all along and you didn't say a word to me. Not a word.'

'Oh, sure. I'm just going to rap you with the good news that you're really in love with a ghost. Sure. I do that all the time, to most people everyday. Just to measure their reaction, understand?'

'You could have said something.'

'Something about what, Keegs? Are you deaf? I've just told you it was an impossible situatuion for me and besides, Jean organised this whole thing.'

"How?'

'She came to me and said she has a feeling that Alex isn't exactly who he seems to be. She was scared of him. She believes that he has some kind of...some kind of power over you. So I went along with her and spied on Alex's house while she went to visit your mom and dad...'

'Wait a minute, you spied on Alex's house?'

'Yup. You don't want to know what I saw.'

'Tell me, Pat. Tell or I promise I'm going to fucking punch you. I swear, I've never used violence in my life, but don't push it. We're adults, now tell me.'

'Torture fucking me. You're worse than the gestapo. Okay, okay I'll tell you. But this didn't come from me, okay? Okay?'

'Right. Okay. Now tell me.'

'I must've been outside Alex's house four hours and there was no movement, and just as I was about to pack it in, this elderly couple opens the door and step out onto the landing. They hug and embrace for a moment then go back inside. No sign of Alex. Just that couple. Jean wanted me to visit them and find out more about Alex, I said no. I copped out because I don't want to lose you as a friend, Keegs, and I told her that. She wasn't impressed.'

'An old couple? Could be his folks come to visit. But you say there was no sign of him.'

'Absolutely none.'

'What did Jean find out?'

'Your mom broke down and told her everything about the accident.'

'What about the accident?'

He hesitates, pulls his face. 'Maybe you should ask your parents about that.'

But I'm asking you.

No, Keegs. I'm not saying a word. You can castrate me, stretch me, hang me, call an end to our friendship, I'm not going to say a word'

I stare at him in silence. He's right. Only they can know what really happened.

    * * *

Mom is smoking. Her hands tremble. Dad sits crosslegged in his favourite recliner. I know I've hit a nerve. Little do I realise that this visit is going to produce surprising results for all around. A car pulls into the drive. It's Jean. It begins. The vultures have gathered to eat. She walks in without knocking and greets us politely.

'Thanks for phoning, Pat.'

I stare at Patrick who has turned red in the face.

'You told her to come?' I ask.

'I told her we're on our way to see your mom and dad.'

'And you want me to trust you?' I say to him, disgust dropping from my tongue.

Mom speaks up, her voice is dry, rasping like sandpaper. It's the smoking. 'Well, now that we're all here, our judges, those who seek to put us through some evil inquisition...'

I roll my eyes. 'Mom, can it. You know why we're here.'

'The truth?'

'The truth.'

'It's very short, no matter how complicated the consequences were. We never hit a buck, or a monkey or a dog for that matter. We hit an oncoming vehicle. Head on. The occupants of the other car died immediately. The one man's head was gone. the rest you know about. The car landed on your legs before rolling over the cliffside, and we fell apart.'

There are no tears in her eyes. No act of remorse or sorrow that will redeem her.

'Was dad drinking?'

'Your father is a good driver, Keegs.'

'Was dad drinking?'

'It was a blind rise. Your father, he...'

'Mom! Was dad drinking?'

Dad leaps up from his seat and confronts me face to face. 'Yes. I had been drinking. Satisfied. I've lived with that guilt since the moment it happened, when I said to myself, this cannot be happening.

'Who was in the other vehicle?'

'Two men. I have the newspaper report. I'll get it.' Mom says

In a few moments she returns with the newspaper clipping from the Oudshoorn Gazette, dated April 9, 2002.

In a freak accident yesterday on the Outeniqua pass, two men were killed instantly and a family of three were critically injured in the worst accident on the pass in decades. The deceased's next of kin have been informed, they are Alex Meyer, and a friend ... ?

A photograph of Alex and his friend appear below the article.

Mom points at the photograph of Alex. 'That's him. That's your friend, Alex.'

She clutches her chest and coughs loudly, phlegm shooting into her mouth, she swallows it again. 'Oh, my God!'

For the first time in my life I need to get away from her. She has used me. She has abused my trust. This love that she professed to carry for me has been nothing but a sham. How can such a lie exist? Even better, does she know why she exists? And dad, his drinking killed two people and that makes him a murderer. he should be ashamed of himself. The farther I get away from these people the better it will be for everybody.

'You lied to me. You kept this a secret all those years and I was none the wiser. The truth would never have hurt, mom. But, now it does.'

She gazes at me with a look of spank satisfaction. 'I lied! You say I lied, and kept it a secret and the truth would not have hurt? I say the same about you. You're not so innocent. You lied to us, to me and your father, you kept a secret from us for years, and to us the truth will not have hurt. You blocked out your father and me. You ignored us as parents and did your own thing anyway.'

'What are you talking about?'

'I know you and Alex are gay people. I know and you dare come to me and say I kept a life altering secret away from you for years. You did the same.'

'Murder is not something to be taken lightly, mom. Murder is murder. Me being gay is nothing compared to that.'

'So it's true?'

'It's true. But that doesn't let you off the hook, mom. You or especially dad. He was driving that car and he was drunk. Two people lost their lives and I lost my legs. It doesn't matter what I say. You believe you didn't kill them.'

'I never said that. I kept that a secret through sheer guilt. I knew, deep down that your father and I would have to face this one day and set the ghost free.'

Set the ghost free. She hit the nail on the head. But that doesn't remove her guilt. I am disgusted. I am finally told the truth after believing a lie all these years. Liberation, but no celebration.

Set the ghost free!

No! I love him. I want him to stay with me. I need him not because he has special powers but because I love him with all my heart and soul. He says true, pure love is the only thing that will make him stay. Oh my God! I need to find him. Stop him from going back.

I don't want him to be set free.

Without explaining myself I flee.

Patrick is behind me, calling me back.

He grabs me and turns me to face him. 'Hey! Whatever it is you had better snap out of it. We need closure here, baby.'

My eyes gaze into his and for a fraction of a secon I see his reasoning, but all that invades my thoughts is the fear of losing the man I love.

'There is no closure, Pat. I'm done here. I'll find myself a place to stay and work like everyone else. There are many opportunities. I'm going to Greece in three weeks. I can't go if he's not with me. I must find him, you understand what I'm saying?'

Patrick reaches for me and hugs, whispers in my ear, 'he's a ghost, Keegs.'

I gaze into his reddened eyes. 'Trust me, he's more than that. I've got to go. I'm not coming back.'

He gestures to his car and I climb in. 'let's start at his folk's place.'