The Castaway Hotel - 4 - 44. Chapter 44 - Our Worst Fears

When I got to the house, some of the boys rushed out to greet me and then nervously quizzed me about where I had been and what I’d been doing. That’s when it suddenly dawned on me that I had forgotten to tell anyone what I was up to before I left, as I normally would have. It appeared they had all been quite concerned about me, especially after my initial reaction after first hearing the news, so this made me feel very guilty. After assuring them I was fine and just taking care of a few of the arrangements, they seemed to understand that I had wanted… no, needed, to do that alone, so nothing more was said about it. They just seemed relieved I was back, so we all slowly filtered into the house.

Kevin wasn’t among the group that came out to greet me, so I decided to go to my bedroom and talk to him. I wanted to see if there was anything I could do to help or comfort him. Dustin and Nick were still with him when I arrived, lying on either side and pressed tightly against him. When they looked up, I signaled them I wanted to speak with Kevin alone and they quickly nodded their understanding and began to stir. As they were heading out the door, I sat on the bed beside Kevin and stroked his back. After a few seconds of this, he rolled over and looked at me through his puffy, red eyes and tear-streaked face. He then buried his face in my chest and started sobbing so hard his body was shaking.

“Why, Dad? Why did it have to happen to him?” he wanted to know. I searched my mind for the right words to soothe his pain and to find a reason that might give a shred of justification for this, but I wasn’t sure I knew of any. Finally, I felt I had to say something, so I began to speak.

“Kevin, I don’t know why this happened or for what reason,” I whispered as comfortingly as I knew how, “but we can’t always understand God’s plans for us.” Nearly as soon as the words were out of my mouth, Kevin’s body stiffened and he pulled away from me, while looking into my face. I could see his sorrow had turned into something else, something colder.

“This was a plan? This was God’s doing?” he screamed, and I could see the anger consuming him.

“Kevin, calm down,” I urged. “I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant there are some things for which we’ll probably never know the answers, and this would be one of them. I mean, how could we ever justify the death of a child? It’s hard enough to cope with the death of older people, but a child – how do you understand something like that? I’m sorry, Kevin. I feel badly that I’m not very helpful with this, but I just don’t know what else to tell you.”

As soon as I finished speaking, Kevin’s head dropped back on my chest and he began sobbing heavily again. Feeling his body heaving and shaking against my own and knowing the unbearable pain he was feeling, almost caused me to break down as well. I managed to retain my composure, but just barely, as I tried to comfort him and help him calm down. I also realized it was probably best for him to release his grief and anger in this manner, rather than keeping it pent up inside of him. Finally, he began to regain control over his emotions and looked up at me, and my heart nearly split in two seeing the pitiful expression fixed upon his face.

“Why, Dad?” he gasped out again, in between his lingering sobs. “Why did they have to take Brent from me? Was it because he loved me? It seems all of these bad things keep happening to me, so is that why this happened to Brent?”

Needless to say, I was quite startled by Kevin’s comment and confused about how I was going to respond. I knew I had to convince him this wasn’t the case, but I couldn’t dismiss the idea too soon and have him think I merely did it as a knee-jerk reaction. I had to convince him he wasn’t the cause.

“Kevin, bad things happen to all of us,” I began, “and it’s true that some people seem to have more bad things happen to them than others, but it isn’t because they’re bad people or that their misfortune rubs off on those around them. Brent’s loving you didn’t cause this, but it did give him something he would never have known without you.”

“Well, how else would you explain it?” he challenged. “Nothing good ever lasts very long for me. First my dad threw Dustin out, just because he caught us fooling around, and then he beats me up. Then I get that lump on my testicle and it turns out to be cancer and I have to have it removed. Then Dustin leaves me for some girl and then I get together with Nick, only to have him tell me later that he can’t be happy with just one guy. After hurting about all of those things, I finally find someone I’m happy with and I am sure positive loves me as much as I love him, but now he’s gone too. Why, Dad, why do all these things keep happening to me?”

Not having an answer for him, I just held Kevin tightly in my arms and let him cry himself out a bit, before I attempted to say anything more. Once he calmed down some, I attempted to convince him this wasn’t his fault.

“Kevin, I have no better answer for that than I did about why Brent had to die,” I explained. “All I can tell you is that bad things do happen to good people, and it seems as if good people die young too. I know this doesn’t help and you might not understand or believe me now, but you will get through this and the pain you’re feeling now will lessen over time. I don’t know what else to tell you, except that your brothers and I will be here for you and we’ll do everything in our power to help you get through this. Someday you’ll find someone new, someone who loves you the same way that Brent did, and you’ll be happy again. Just be thankful that you had him for as long as you did, even if it was for just a short time, but above all else, you must always cherish and never forget those moments you shared together.”

Kevin looked up at me again and slowly opened his mouth to respond. “I will, Dad. I really will,” he choked out, as his voice cracked with emotion, but as soon as he finished saying it, he buried his head back into my chest and began sobbing again. I wrapped my arms around him and held him tightly against my chest, to let him know I was there for him, while also giving him the opportunity to cleanse himself of his sadness.

I let him cry until I discovered he had cried himself to sleep, and then I maneuvered his body onto the bed, making sure he was comfortable. Now that he seemed unaware of my presence any longer, I went to find Dustin and Nick, so I could ask them to watch over him once more. Both were happy to do that for me, particularly since they’d had a chance to eat and freshen up while I had been in with Kevin, and eagerly took off for my bedroom.

As I made my way toward the living room, I saw Graham standing against the wall and could see he hadn’t been coping to well with what happened either. I could tell he, too, had been crying and still wore a very sad expression upon his face. As I approached him to see if I could help in any way, he asked me a question.

“Why didn’t you believe me?” he whined, which caused me to pull up short and not move another inch. I wondered what I was going to tell him, as I searched for the right words to respond to his query. However, before I had time to answer, he continued. “If you had believed me and kept him home, Brent wouldn’t be dead now.”

This pronouncement bothered me even more and made me feel obliged to explain. “Graham, we don’t know that for sure,” I reasoned. “If he had stayed here, maybe something else would have happened and he would have just missed out on the opportunity of going to the beach, without it altering his future. You weren’t entirely correct, because you also said something was going to happen to me too, but it hasn’t. Maybe this was just something we couldn’t stop from happening, no matter how we responded to the warnings.”

I reached out and grasped him by the shoulders, pulling him firmly against me, and stroked his head with my right hand. “Graham, I wish I could have prevented this, because I miss him too,” I confessed. “You don’t know how badly I hurt because of what happened and how much I miss having him here. I loved him, Graham, just like I love the rest of you, but I might have only made him miserable if I’d forced him to miss out on the trip and then something else could have happened to him anyway. We have no way of knowing what might have been and we will probably live with these doubts for many years to come, but I can be sure of one thing. Someday we’ll see him again in heaven, but until then we’ll just have to cling to the wonderful memories we have of him.”

We both stood there in the living room with tears streaming down our faces and clinging to each other as if there were no one else in the world at that very moment. Eventually, we both cried ourselves out and I took Graham to his room, tucked him in and then kissed him good night. When I went back downstairs, I told Cole a little about what had happened with Graham and sent him upstairs to stay with his brother. He didn’t hesitate and raced from the room, knowing his brother was more important now than anything else he might find to do.

After I checked on all the other boys, I went to my room to be with Kevin and wrestle with my own demons. Maybe Graham was right. Maybe I should have kept Brent home after Graham warned me about what he’d seen. How was I to know? I try to do what’s best for the boys, but sometimes I make mistakes too – it’s just that I’ve never made a decision that proved to be this costly before.

After Nick and Dustin left, I lay on the bed next to Kevin and missed Brent more and more with every passing minute. I kept thinking about his adorable smile, pleasant nature and helpful demeanor, as well as all of the bad things he had endured in his brief life. It was then that I struggled with the idea I’d pulled him away from that mess, just to have him end up like this. Maybe it WAS my fault. Maybe my ego had grown so large that I had convinced, or is that deluded, myself that I was the answer to everything wrong in their lives. Maybe I was, in fact, doing as much harm as I was helping them. Was I giving them false hopes and leading them down a path where they would never find happiness? Was this boy’s crushed body lying in the funeral parlor because of my arrogance and the hasty decision I had made? How could I go on until I was able to find the answers to these questions for myself?

Eventually, I drifted off to asleep, but only because I was totally exhausted – completely mentally and emotionally drained. It was not a restful or relaxing sleep, however. During the course of the evening, I relived nearly every moment Brent had been with us, witnessed the accident for myself and saw his body tossed around and then crushed, before wrestling with every question I had asked earlier – questions about whether I was responsible or if I had been the catalyst that had caused this to happen. I came up with no more answers in my dreams than I had while I was awake, but awoke the next morning nearly as tired and drained as when I went to bed.

During the course of the day, many people stopped by to offer their condolences or drop off food for our guests and us. Jake and Shannon were among the first to arrive, and Jake dealt with all the non-family visitors, which left me time to see those closest to me. The Spencers showed up about mid-morning, looking old for the first time since I’d known them. A short time later, Mary came by and she told me both Steve and Sally would be arriving just as soon as they could get away from work and by late afternoon they had also joined us.

It was early evening before my older children began to arrive, and they were just as distraught as if Brent had been part of this family all of his life. Although he had only been with us a short time, he had certainly made a rather large and long-lasting impression, which was obvious in the way each of them shared their memories of him. As we helped each other work through our grief, questions arose about the schedule of activities for the next couple of days.

I explained everything as I currently understood it and promised to let them know if there were going to be any changes. While going over all of this with them, the phone rang, and I was called to take it. It was the director of the funeral parlor, informing me I could come down to view the body, if I wished. I told him I’d be there shortly and was immediately questioned about the call, once I hung up. Although everyone wanted to go with me, I told them that just Kevin and I would be going now, so Kevin could deal with this in private, but I’d arrange it so that we could all go down later. No one challenged my decision, although I think my older children began to wonder why I was allowing Kevin to join me and no one else. While he ran up to his room to change, I overheard some of the other boys tell their older siblings that it was because Kevin and Brent had been roommates and were very close, so this was affecting him the most. My older children seemed to accept that line of reasoning, so when Kevin was ready, we quietly slipped out of the house and got into the car.

When we arrived at the funeral home, I asked Kevin to wait in the car until I had a chance to make sure everything was the way I wanted it. He wasn’t happy with my suggestion and only agreed to it after I promised him I’d come back to get him shortly. The director greeted me at the door, led me into the room where Brent’s body was laid out, and I went over to look at his beautiful face, lying cold and lifeless before me. Although it wasn’t extremely noticeable, I could still see where they had used make-up to cover some of his bruises, and I could see where someone had also used some artificial means to give his face its normal form. I took my comb out of my pocket and made minor adjustments to the way someone had done his hair, so it was closer to the way he generally wore it. As soon as I finished, I straightened his tie, which I thought looked slightly crooked, and adjusted a button on his jacket, so things were as perfect as I could make them. Then I leaned down and kissed him on the forehead, squeezed his arm, told him I was sorry and promised I’d never forget him. After also telling him I’d see him again someday, I wiped my eyes and went back outside, signaling Kevin that he could come in and join me.

As he approached me, I asked Kevin if he was certain he was ready to do this, and he assured me he was as ready as he’d ever be to do this, so I walked in beside him. As we made our way toward the casket, after I asked the director if he would be kind enough to make sure we weren’t interrupted, I could see Kevin was a little hesitant and trembling slightly. The minute we were close enough for Kevin to see Brent’s body, he began to weep, but continued onward. Once we were right beside the casket, Kevin bent forward and placed his head on Brent’s chest, while his body shook, due to his sobbing. He stayed in that position for more than a minute, with his tears slowly cascading down his cheeks and soaking into the garments that Brent would be buried in. After standing up again, he took a few minutes to silently wrestle control of his overwhelming grief, and then leaned forward once more, but this time to kiss Brent on the lips and whisper ‘I love you’ to him.

After watching this scene play out, tears were streaming down my face, like a river after the dam had burst. However, I still did my best to be there for Kevin and help him get through this very difficult farewell. As I watched to see how he was doing, Kevin reached into his pocket and withdrew a picture of the two of them together on Valentine’s Day. After kissing this photo of Brent, Kevin reached out and placed it against the inner lining of the coffin’s lid, so everyone would see it there when they came up to view the body. Kevin also informed me that he wanted the picture to stay in the coffin, even when Brent was buried, so that way they would be together forever. I immediately assured him I would make sure it remained in with Brent when the coffin was sealed, and he nodded his head in acknowledgement and thanked me.

When Kevin finished saying his private good-bye to his lover, I took him to the office, because I needed to discuss something else with the director. I wanted to see if we could arrange for an additional viewing time for later this evening, so the rest of the family could come down and have some private time to say their farewells to Brent as well. He was very accommodating and quickly granted my request, so now all I had to do was to inform everyone else about this opportunity.

Once we finished at the funeral parlor, I didn’t want to rush right home. I thought Kevin needed some additional time to work through things, without his brothers or others interfering, so I drove over to the florist to order the flowers for the viewing. When I pulled in their parking lot, I told Kevin he could remain in the vehicle or go inside with me, and he quickly chose to join me, because he wanted to help select the various floral bouquets. Between us, we ordered a large arrangement that would lie over the bottom half of the casket and would say ‘brother’ on it, a cross made up of red roses that would be placed beside the picture in the lid and have ‘son’ written across it, and a small floral pillow that would go in beside Brent that would read ‘uncle’. Kevin was satisfied with those selections and the florist said he would have them there in time for Saturday’s viewing, so we went back out to the car and drove home. Everyone was there when we arrived, so I hurriedly told each of them about the special calling hour I had arranged for the family.

They were pleased to be given this time alone to cope with their loss without others being there, but there were many other things to be taken care of in the meantime. First, we began taking some of the items that had been dropped off earlier and placed them on the dining room table, so we could grab a bite to eat before we went to the funeral home. Although none of us felt hungry, we knew we had to eat something to keep up our strength. Most of us just nibbled at the food on our plates, but we were very appreciative for what our friends had prepared for us, so we didn’t have to fix things for ourselves.

After cleaning up and changing, we all squeezed into the various vehicles and drove down to the funeral home. Everyone was extremely emotional and shedding a great deal of tears even before we went inside, and seeing how each of them was reacting made me glad that Kevin and I had come here earlier and had some private time to say our good-byes. Since we’d already had a chance to see him and come to terms with what awaited us, we tried to help the others deal with their grief, before they went up to say their own farewells.

The next two hardest hit by this experience were my grandsons, who had been relentless in teasing their parents to be allowed to come see their Uncle Brent. My older children had come to discuss this idea with me first, and although Jordan and Nicky had just turned seven and six respectively, a few months before this, I felt they might be ready to accept the harsh realities of life. Otherwise, we were going to have to deal with this continually over the months ahead, especially when we were all together again. I also thought this private family time would be the best time to do it, so they could cope and have us there to help them, without having our attention split with various visitors who were sure to come.

I had offered to walk the boys up to the casket and be there with them when they went to see Brent’s body, as well as answer the numerous questions that would follow. I certainly wasn’t disappointed, as their inquiries began almost as soon as we stepped up beside the coffin.

“Papa, why did Uncle Brent die?” Jordan asked me, as he was troubled that someone so young could die.

“He was in an accident,” I explained. “The car he was riding in went off the road, and he was hurt really badly. Sometimes that can happen, even to young people.”

“But he looks like he’s sleeping,” Nicky observed, while pointing toward Brent’s body.

“I know he does,” I agreed, “and in a way he is. You know when we go to church and talk about heaven and that someday we’ll all live there with God?” He nodded his head that he did. “Well, when that time comes, we’ll meet your Uncle Brent there too, so it will be kind of like he was sleeping and woke up to be with us again, but this sleep will last for a very long time.”

“Does that mean we’re going to die too?” Jordan asked, looking very concerned.

“Someday we will all die,” I agreed, “but hopefully that won’t happen until each of us is very old, so it’s not something you have to worry about right away.” Jordan and Nicky both appeared quite relieved when I’d finished my answer, so I walked them back to their parents, so I could spend time consoling the rest of my boys.

Once everyone had had a few moments alone at the casket, Kevin and I tried to explain about the flowers we had purchased. We told them what each arrangement would look like and where it would be placed, and each of the others thought the selections were very appropriate and quite suitable.

We stayed at the funeral home for about an hour, before deciding it was enough for one day. Once we returned home, it took me a while to get the boys calmed down, especially after seeing Brent like that, plus we also had to move my sons around, so my other children would also be comfortable while staying with us. Kevin wanted to sleep with me tonight, so that opened up his room for someone, and some of the other boys quickly gave up their rooms too and bunked in with a brother or two. Most of my sons did this because they didn’t want to be alone this evening, but only they knew that and my older children just thought the boys were being considerate of them. By the time we finally went to bed, we were still dealing with many unresolved issues, so I concluded it was going to be another long night, this time for all of us.

I ended up cuddled against Kevin for much of the night, and we stayed like that, even after he was able to fall asleep. He did occasionally wake up crying or screaming out loud, and no matter what type of vision had caused it, he would be shaking and in need of immediate comfort. I had a feeling this wasn’t going to end anytime soon and assumed I’d be dealing with his emotional healing for many nights to come. Therefore, I spent much of the evening catching my rest in a series of 15-20 minute naps, but it was the best I could manage and it would have to do for now.