Good Guys Finish Last - 8. Chapter 8

I woke up to the smell of food cooking in the kitchen. It brought back memories of when mom cooked every breakfast and how her cooking always woke me up. It was a good way for me to wake up and meet the day, but not anymore. This time it made my stomach knot up. I wasn’t sad that my Mom and Lucy were gone. I didn’t really know what I felt when I woke up this morning, but I just didn’t feel like myself.

“Um Derek we need to talk.” I announced after walking into the kitchen where he was cooking.

“Yeah I know.” Derek sighed as he was finishing up and placing the foot on two plates. We were both still just dressed in our underwear and for the first time I was ok with that it was in the back of my mind, but Derek noticeably blinked a few times when he finally gave me a real look instead of a quick glance.

“About last night.” I stated and he nodded. “I think, well I don’t really know what I think about what happened.”

“I’m sorry I did that.” Derek offered as he sat beside me at the table instead of across from me. “I shouldn’t have let myself do that to you and I’m sorry.”

“Ok.” I responded not really know what to say to him then I took a small bite out of my eggs that he had fixed and he watched me.

“Ok?” He asked frowning slightly. “You agreed that we needed to talk and you settle with an ok?”

“Well I don’t really know how to approach this.” I answered, “It’s the first time I…”

“First time!” Derek groaned. “Why didn’t you stop me?”

“Calm down Derek.” I ordered placing my fork on the table. I didn’t like being interrupted before I could explain myself.

“Sorry.” Derek apologized again rubbing his eyes grimacing.

“Are you thinking that it wasn’t special enough for my first sexual encounter?” I asked blushing slightly after asking.

“Well the timing and everything was shitty.” He answered, “I need to learn some self control.”

“I could’ve stopped you at any time.” I countered offering him a small smile.

“Then why didn’t you?” He asked still thinking that he had somehow took advantage of me.

“Because it was nice.” I answered shrugging. “I just didn’t ever think I’d do that with someone that I didn’t love.”

“Oh.” Derek responded then he looked away for a second. “I think I should move out.”

“Why?” I asked surprised.

“Because this is turning into a wreck.” Derek answered as we both started eating again. It was getting too intense for us to talk and both used a full plate of food for a temporary excuse.

“I don’t want you to move out.” I countered when my stomach was full enough to satisfy my hunger. “I’m ok with what we did Derek.”

“I just don’t think it’s a good idea for me to stay here with you anymore.” Derek responded he looked scared when I touched his shoulder and when he shrugged my hand off it hurt.

“Why not?” I asked trying not to become emotional about this.

“I don’t know.” Derek answered, but I knew better.

“Yes you do know.” I countered crossing my arms. “Now tell me the truth so we can work on this.”

“Because you need some time alone.” Derek responded, “And I need some time with out you.”

“What have I done?” I asked wondering why he was doing this to me.

“You didn’t do anything I just realized something.” Derek answered and that’s when I noticed that his bags were packed up by the door.

“You knew you were leaving me for awhile now.” I snapped standing up. “So you just thought you’d get a piece before you hit the road.”

“No it wasn’t like that.” He defended standing as well.

“I don’t believe you.” I snapped and backed away when he took a step towards me. “What are you doing?”

“You have it all wrong Charlie just calm down.” Derek stated carefully. “You don’t understand right now, but later you will.”

“Don’t talk in circles Derek just be blunt with me.” I ordered wiping my eyes with my napkin.

“Because I’m too close to you and you’re not ready.” Derek responded then he walked past me and up the stairs to take a shower. I didn’t follow him I went into the living room where his bags were. He was really leaving me after all of this happened and he knew he was leaving me too.

“Now will you talk to me to get this leaving shit out of your mind?” I asked when he returned dressed.

“I don’t think you’re ready for any of this.” Derek answered walking to the middle of the living room floor where he had his bags waiting for him. “You said so yourself.”

“No I didn’t.” I countered.

“Yes you did.” Derek stated, “When you said you didn’t love me.”

Then with that he grabbed half his bags and walked out of my front door. I didn’t want to see him leave so I got up and went to take a shower. After he was done packing up his bags he knocked on the bathroom door then told me bye, but I didn’t say anything back. When I got out he was gone. I searched the house for a note or a number I could call, but there wasn’t anything. He really had left me like he said he was going to. I then walked into the living room and sat down looking at the front door absently. I had made the mistake in telling that I didn’t love him. I didn’t want to lie. It takes a long time for me to feel anything towards anyone and he took it personally.

“Why aren’t you going to work?” Julie asked after bursting through the door like she always does firing questions at me loud enough for me to hear her through out the entire house.

“Because I’m quitting.” I answered picking up the phone being reminded that I still had to call Kathy and do that.

“Where’s Derek?” She asked after looking around the room and then peeking into the kitchen not seeing him.

“He moved out this morning.” I answered colder than what I wanted to.

“What did you do?” She asked curiously.

“I made the mistake in telling him the truth.” I answered dialing the phone and holding up my finger before Julie started her interrogation.

“Kathy um I’m calling to tell you that I’m not going to work there anymore.” I stated evenly and I watched as Julie threw up her hands and stomped over to the couch to sit down and wait for me. “No, um because dad said he’d take care of my finances. Ok, love you too. Bye.”

“Your dad really said that?” Julie asked skeptically.

“Yeah he did actually.” I answered and her face softened.

“Do you believe him?” Julie asked knowing how things worked with my father. She was pretty much there through it all with me.

“Not at the moment, but I know Kathy would take my ass back if he did break another promise.” I answered and she smiled.

“What did you tell Derek?” She asked and I had hoped she had forgotten all about that, but I knew better.

“I told him that I didn’t love him.” I answered, “Which is the truth.”

“Oh and he left?” She asked stupidly. “Why would you have a reason?”

“That’s none of your business.” I answered quickly.

“You brought it up.” She countered crossing her arms and pouting slightly.

“I’m gay Julie that doesn’t work.” I joked and she frowned.

“So Derek and you got freaky didn’t you.” Julie whispered accusingly. “Then you had the nerve to tell him that you didn’t love him.”

“We didn’t get freaky.” I countered then rethought it. “Define freaky.”

“Um anything sexual.” She offered smiling.

“A little.” I whispered blushing.

“Then he left?” She asked again frowning slightly. “I bet you’re not too pleased about that.”

“I’m not.” I responded and looked away from her. “I just wanted something to take my mind off of all of this shit, but he just added on to it all when he left.”

“Well come out with me.” Julie offered taking off her nametag and putting it in her purse. “I didn’t feel much like working today anyway.”

“Where would we go?” I asked curiously. I wanted to get out of the house when she brought it up that I didn’t care that she was going to skip out on work for me.

“Well Matt, Becky, and Rick have been wanting to see you.” Julie answered carefully.

“I don’t want to talk to them.” I huffed. “I saw their empty seats at the funeral.”

“They were on vacation in Mexico.” Julie countered, “They were going to call you, but thought it wouldn’t be right.”

“See that goes to show you that I’m not close to them anymore or I would’ve known they were in Mexico and I wouldn’t have wasted money on postage.” I snapped causing her to laugh.

“They miss you.” Julie responded after she stopped laughing.

“So?” I asked crossing my arms. “They know where I live.”

“Yeah they do, but they don’t know if they’re welcome.” Julie countered.

“Why would they not feel welcome?” I asked and she smirked.

“Well I don’t know if you know this, but lately you’ve been a bit stand-offish.” She answered knowingly then rubbed it in by patting my shoulder.

“They know me just as well as you do.” I countered stubbornly. I knew she was right about all of this. Julie is hardly ever wrong when it came to me. I just don’t like realizing it every time she is.

“I give up!” She snapped shaking her head. “Sometimes Charlie I don’t know why you have to defend yourself like this all the time.”

“Defend myself?” I asked glaring at her.

“Yes, you’re never wrong. It’s always someone else.” Julie snapped, “But really its more your fault all of the damn time.”

“Ok. I know.” I sighed, “I don’t want to argue about this anymore.”

“Then get your ass ready and I’ll tell them to meet us at the park.” Julie ordered and slapped my ass as I got up with out saying anything and walked by her on the way to my room. Going up the stairs I heard her talking to the first one she called. I was wanting to see my group of friends that I was so close to growing up. Matt and Rick were on the basketball team with me. Becky was dating Matt and she was Rick’s sister. She wasn’t originally my friend until Rick had to drag her along with him and she ended up close to Julie. Julie was always out numbered when it came to what we would be doing during our free time together. When Becky became friends with us it evened everything out. We could take one girl constantly whining about watching a football game, but not two. Matt also fell under Becky’s control once they were dating and me and Rick found ourselves eating out or going shopping more than we did anything else. I never really minded though. Everything was good back then and the thought of it being just like that now was enough to make me stop thinking.

“Alright what are we doing once we get to the park?” I asked after joining her in the living room.

“I don’t know.” Julie answered shrugging. “Becky is bringing food though.”

“Ok.” I shrugged and we both walked out of the house.

“I’m driving.” Julie announced quickly and jogged awkwardly in her heels to her car.

“So um, are you still wanting to go here for college?” I asked curiously as we drove the short distance to the park. It was already pretty warm out and the sun was bright.

“Why?” She asked, “Are you wanting to try somewhere else?”

Well, no.” I answered. I didn’t really know what I wanted. Derek walked out on me today and the whole thought of ever seeing him again conflicted me. I was confused at what he wanted and he didn’t stick around long enough to talk about it. I thought he was selfish at the least and that it wasn’t anything that I did, but he said that I gave him the answer that he wanted. I didn’t want to see him any time soon. I was pissed that he promised to stay and then left the first chance he got really.

“Why’d you ask then?” Julie asked glancing over to me quickly.

“I just wanted to know that your plan was my plan too and that you still think it’s a good idea.” I answered shrugging.

“I never thought going to Camdon State was a good idea.” Julie responded.

“You said though.” I countered groaning. “It was mom that wanted me to go where I got the scholarship.”

“Yeah and I got the a scholarship there too.” She added. “We decided to go to Camdon because its close to your mom, but really now we have the chance to change.”

“Derek is going to Camdon.” I stammered with out thinking.

“Oh so that’s what this is all about.” Julie responded sounding amused. “You’re so confused about Derek its gotten you questioning every little thing.”

“No he hasn’t.” I lied crossing my arms. She knew me too well.

“Liar you always get mad when you’re caught in a lie.” Julie sighed and I knew a lecture was coming.

“We’re here let’s not fight.” I signed after Julie turned into the park entrance.

“We’re not going to fight I just need to say one thing to you.” Julie countered glaring at me when she parked the car beside Matt’s truck. They were waiting for us when we pulled up Becky holding a basket and blanket in her arms. They were all smiling over at me. They didn’t know that I was gay and I hated keeping that from them. Julie hated it too, but I just wasn’t as close to them as I was with Julie. “Just stop thinking about everything.”

“That’s it?” I asked but then Julie smiled and got out and I followed her. I wasn’t ready to be wrapped up into a group hug sandwiched between Rick and Matt. My hair was messed up when Rick rubbed my head roughly.

“Been awhile Chucky.” Rick greeted after we all separated. He knew I hated being called Chucky and always used that to get me annoyed.

“Yeah it has.” I stated smiling. “You know I hate being called Chucky.”

“Hey. My mom asked about you when we got back.” Rick stated lightly. “She was going to send you that old Halloween picture of us dressing up as the Peanuts characters.

“Yeah?” I asked forgetting all about that Halloween where I was Charlie Brown since the name matched. Rick was Linus, Matt was Pigpen, and Julie was Lucy. Becky wasn’t close to us then and was a princess when we all got together to go trick-or-treating.

“Yeah.” Rick answered and Becky nodded knowing what was being talked about.

“So are you and Jules finally together?” Matt asked breaking the short silence that fell between everyone. I wouldn’t say it was an uncomfortable one, but we all just stood there in front of our cars at the park. It had really been awhile since we were all in the same spot.

“Me and Charlie will never be together.” Julie answered for me and I frowned.

“Yeah she’s too bossy.” I joked, but found that Julie wasn’t laughing like everyone else when I glanced over at them. She wanted me to tell them. I wanted to tell them too I just wasn’t able to when I got the nerve I always backed out at the last second.

“Well isn’t there a lady in your life yet?” Becky asked, but I blushed slightly causing them to laugh as we finally turned to walk up the sidewalk leading to an open spot. This park isn’t the highlight it once was. Only a few people came and mostly it was just single owners or couples who brought their dogs. There wasn’t a playground. There was a small lake with a sidewalk where people could jog around. It was our place to play flag football when we were younger though. I looked as I walked slightly behind everyone with Julie that Matt and Becky seemed closer and then I looked and saw an engagement ring on Becky’s finger.

“They’re engaged?” I asked whispering so that no one could hear me but Julie.

“Yeah.” She answered like it was nothing.

“And you forgot to tell me?” I asked smiling.

“Well I thought it was their thing to tell, you need all the things you can think of to talk to them about anyway.” Julie answered. “Some other topic of what you go for so they’ll stop asking when me and you are going to arrange our wedding day already.”

“I’m sorry about that.” I apologized like I always did.

“Ok, then just do it alright?” She asked as we both stopped as Rick, Matt, and Becky walked on not noticing that we had.

“Its more difficult than that.” I huffed crossing my arms.

“Yeah ok I could understand that when you were in school.” Julie countered glaring at me. “When things were all about reputations and bullshit.”

“Julie.” I whined frowning.

“No.” Julie huffed stubbornly. “It’s your choice in the end whether they know or not, but you’re an adult now and so are they we’re not fourteen and stupid anymore.”

“You make it sound like its something people say everyday.” I countered.

“Its not, but it’d be a lot easier if you did.” Julie responded then we started staring at one another.

“Guys are you coming?” Becky asked yelling from the area she had already set up with the blanket she brought.

“Yeah.” We both answered at the same time and they went back to talking.

“I’m not going to carry this whole hiding thing on.” Julie whispered. “When they ask if I like you or why I haven’t pushed you to date me I’ll tell them why.”

“You’re going to out me?” I asked thinking that it may not be a bad thing if one of us had the bravery to do it. Then I thought how much I’d not like it if she did actually do what she was threatening to do.

“You know what, heads or tails?” She asked not answering but pulled a quarter out of her purse.

“What the fuck?” I asked confused.

“If you win I shut up and if I win you tell them.” Julie ignored me. “I call tails.”

“I’m not…”I started, but stopped when she flipped the coin into the air and let it fall. Of course I was horrified when it landed on tails.

“You know what to do.” Julie stated evenly as she walked to join the group sitting down and looking expectantly at us. I stared at the quarter for a few seconds before walking off and leaving it following Julie.

“Guys I’m gay, see you later.” I blurted then turned around and started walking quickly away shocked that I actually done that. The whole walk to the group of friends I played around at how I was going to do it. After I ate the sand which and salad or after we started passing the football Matt was carrying around, but I couldn’t have a bad day turn out good to go sour with me outing myself at the end of it then me being left to wonder about it all when it was over and I was once again alone.

“Where are you going, bud?” Matt asked as he and Rick caught up to me.

“I’m going home.” I answered but I felt a strong arm drop around my shoulder. Me, Rick and Matt were almost the same height give or take an inch or two. Rick and Becky had their dad’s black hair and their mom’s hazel eyes. You could tell they were related by just looking at them. Rick kept his hair cut really short to his head where he didn’t have to deal with it. He wore caps a lot to keep his scalp from getting burnt. Matt had light brown hair and dark blue eyes. He never had to tan, his skin always had a glow to it.

“Look seriously Charlie.” Rick stated after they pulled me to a stop. “We’ve thought all along that you were gay.”

“You have?” I asked shocked.

“Yeah well when you never got with Julie we pretty much had a hunch, but it was always there after we understood what gay actually meant.” Rick answered and Matt nodded.

“So this really isn’t a shock.” Matt added, “I mean every time we asked about you and Julie it was our way to pressure you into telling us.”

“You know I never do get things unless you tell me straight forward.” I countered shrugging Rick’s arm off me.

“Yeah we know.” Rick responded. “You’re the blonde one of the group.”

“I am not dingy.” I countered and caused them to laugh.

“Are you coming back to the picnic?” Matt asked, “Or are we going to follow your ass home still?”

“I guess a picnic is good.” I answered and we walked back to where Becky and Julie were. Me being gay wasn’t brought up after that. The questions and comments I had envisioned after I finally did come out never came. Instead I found out that Matt and Becky’s wedding was in three weeks in this very park. It was a good decision after they told me the story behind it. They met here when Rick brought her. They kissed here behind the tree we were under when no one were looking. It made it all worth it to be friends with them again. It made me forget about Derek until Julie dropped me off at home hours later. I had promised to meet them tomorrow at the mall. After I entered the house I really was alone. Something I knew that I’d have to get used to. No hugs from mom or wet licks on the face from Lucy when I entered the house after a long day. I didn’t want to think about Derek being the substitute for that, but he had definitely become that. I found myself suddenly understanding why he had to leave. That’s why I locked the front door then walked back through it grabbing my keys from the table on the way out destined to find him. I needed him to know that he was more than that to me and that I needed him on a whole different level. A level I was too scared to admit to just writing him off as something else like I always did. My life was being lived with out me in a lot of ways. I didn’t have the bravery and I over analyzed everything. I usually came out falling short, coming in last. This time though I wanted it to be different.