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Good Guys Finish Last - 9. Chapter 9
After driving around the roads of my town I realized that I didn’t know where Derek would go to live for the rest of the summer. I couldn’t remember where he said he came from and it made me think that he had a good reason to leave. I had been using him all this time for a way to escape feeling things that I didn’t want to feel. I had checked on the two hotels in town and they wouldn’t tell me anything about their guest lists. Even the person that went to Mom’s funeral that I had known for years stuck to their confidentiality agreements and it pissed me off.
I didn’t really even know what Derek’s car looked like and many times I wanted to turn around thinking that I was retarded for searching for a guy that I obviously didn’t know anything about. I didn’t like feeling bad about all this, and things were left unfinished. The only thing I knew about him was that he was at the hospital, getting a friend treated for alcohol poisoning recently. It was starting to get dark, so I decided to try the hospital. It was a long shot and it was the last option I had. I didn’t ever want to step foot inside that place knowing that it was where my mom had died. I didn’t like hospitals to begin with, but walking through those doors felt completely wrong.
“Charlie?” Gina asked after looking up.
“Um, hey Gina,” I greeted forcing a smile.
“Why are you here?” She asked carefully.
“Well I am here to find out who Derek brought here a few days ago,” I answered feeling stupid.
“Derek who?” Gina asked confused.
“Derek Lawrence,” I answered after I thought about it for a second. Every little thing that I had forgotten about Derek made me feel that much worse about myself.
“We’re not supposed to do that, Gina responded lowering her voice. “Why do you need to know?”
“Because Derek is a friend and he left and I want to know where he is,” I answered and she stared at me for a little while.
“Ok,” she whispered then walked off leaving me in the guest lounge. She was gone for a couple of minutes before returning. I didn’t see anything in her hands but she was walking quicker and with a purpose.
“Not find…” I started, but she took my hand and slipped me a piece of paper.
“Address,” she whispered, “Thank you Charlie it means a lot.”
“What does?” I asked confused.
“Cover up,” She hissed winking.
“Oh,” I stated stupidly and she shook her head and nudged me towards the door. I blushed as I left the hospital grateful that someone was willing to break a few rules for me still. I looked down at the name of the street that she gave me for the friend that Derek knew and found that it was on the other side of town. On the way over to that house to see if Derek was forgiven by them for getting their son drunk enough for him to have to be taken to the hospital I played over all the things I wanted to say to Derek. I didn’t think he’d listen to me though. I had given him what he wanted to hear and it would be hard to tell him that I didn’t mean it. I didn’t know much about him, but he wanted to let us get to know one another slowly. I felt robbed after he ran off. He didn’t seem to understand me either or he’d known that I haven’t even felt close to another guy. I knew that I was gay, but closeted until today. Part of me wanted to do it for him because I thought that he was and I would no longer be stressful to be around. I was nowhere near ready to tell everyone on the street I met that I was gay, but I wanted to start giving in to some of my inhibitions. Derek was helping me overcome the death of my mother and I was not ready to do that alone not yet definitely not tonight the first time alone after.
I found the address and it was a smaller house like mine it was white where as mine was yellowish. Mom loved yellow it was her favorite color, which is why she liked the sunrise in her room. She had to have the room when we bought the house when I was little. They gave the master bedroom to me for that reason alone. My heart started beating harder when I walked up to knock on the door. I hesitated for a minute; even thinking that I need to go make sure that it was Derek’s car in the driveway and not just one that looked like it. Then I sighed and lightly tapped on the door. I heard a voice saying that the pizza was probably here, but it was Derek’s voice and I had to force myself to stay there when I heard the doorknob turn and the door click open. I didn’t know who opened the door and he was surprised to see me there as well.
“You’re not the pizza guy,” he stated expectantly.
“Um, is Derek Lawrence here?” I asked hesitantly.
“Yeah,” he responded then I saw Derek appear smiling behind him.
“What is taking this so long?” Derek asked then frowned seeing me there. I took that as the answer I needed and diverted my eyes back to the guy who opened the door.
“Sorry to disturb you,” I offered then turned and walked away. Derek frowned at me and it wasn’t the kind of frown that people have when they’re nervous or slightly surprised. It was almost a disgusted frown. I felt he was disgusted to see me because I denied him what he wanted to hear. I wasn’t paying attention to the water hose attached to the sprinkler system and stumbled. I heard laughter and glanced back to see his friend laughing, but I didn’t care, I had just about fell on my face after making a hasty retreat from his house.
I’m sure he thought I was stupid for doing this, but Derek was there and he had recovered so quickly from our talk this morning he was smiling until he had to look at me and I couldn’t take that. I didn’t expect his reaction, he said that he needed space, but I had disgusted him in some way, and it was the first time that I ever felt like I had done that to someone over what I’d done.
The worst part of this is that he didn’t come running after me like I watched in movies. He stayed there and when I got into my car and looked over to where I had left them I found the door had closed. I never thought a frown would make me forget everything that I had planned to say to him once I was able to talk to him.
I don’t know how long I sat there before I started the car and backed out of the driveway to go home. When I got home I walked up to my house that had no life left in it. I actually debated going over to stay with my dad for the night at least I’d not be alone in a house that hasn’t felt homely ever since he left. I forced that thought away thinking that I had truly lost my mind if I was stooping that low to look for things to forget that my mom had died just a few days ago.
When I got into the house it was dark that wasn’t normal for my house to have every light turned off even the lights outside were off and I grimaced when I tried the switch and nothing happened. My electricity wasn’t working. I looked out the window and saw that my neighbors that were around me all had electricity. I hadn’t paid the bills that were due. Dad was going to cover them from now on, but the ones that had arrived before our deal were forgotten in the calamity of the past couple of days.
I then felt my way to the closet we had our candles in and rummaged through it until I found enough to light up the house. I went around placing and lighting them. Everything was dim and I sighed as I sat down in the living room, every shadow dancing as I looked around. The silence was putting me on edge, I hated silence, but there weren’t anything to make sound. I also had no one to talk to. I was constantly afraid that lying about my sexuality would lead me to be alone when I was older, but I never realized that it would be this soon.
I wasn’t alone, because I did have a few friends, but right now I was alone and my friends couldn’t make me forget this kind of loneliness that I was feeling now. I had missed my friends, but now I was missing love. I loved my friends, but this kind of love, the one I felt towards my mom could never come back. Then that feeling that I had for Derek I wanted to forget, but right now I was missing it. I needed it right now and I hated not being able to think rationally about this whole mess that I was in.
I then stood up and starting blowing out the candles that I had just lit minutes ago and walked out my front door after grabbing my keys again. Then I drove to the place I knew would help me fill the lonely void that I was feeling. I parked where there was a spot for me. I could hear the music blaring like it had the one other time I came here. The house belonged to a person I went to school with. I didn’t know him, but I knew that he threw tons of parties in the summer and I lucked out on him throwing one right now.
“Charlie Williams?” A bubbly voice asked behind me, causing me to jump. I looked behind me to see the girl that was always standing beside me every time our class voted on things. She was the prom queen, homecoming queen, and everything else imaginable like I was as well.
“Sarah Carlson,” I greeted turning to face her.
“You have never been to Tommy’s before have you?” She asked smiling brightly at me. Julie thought that she had always had a crush on me and I was glad that I had a good excuse ready for her if Sarah asked me to date her now. At least someone had talked to me and I wasn’t even into the party in the back yard yet.
“Once,” I answered shrugging.
“It shows since this is a pool party,” she responded laughing slightly then looked me over seeing that I wasn’t dressed to go swimming and I saw that she was. I could see her bright baby blue bathing suite straps tied around her neck.
“Oh, well I’ll just go then,” I said, I offering her a smile.
“Its not exclusively a pool party Charlie,” she smiled shaking her head. “It’s just what Tommy said when he called and invited me.”
“So is it on invitation only?” I asked and she laughed as if I asked a dumb question.
“Do you really think Tommy would call all these people?” She asked and I looked around and noticed that there were a lot of cars here and I blushed slightly when she patted me on the shoulder urging me to walk beside her as we walked around to the back yard where I knew his large pool was. He had the grill going and his mom’s small white dog that probably was worth more than most people’s houses came bouncing up and begged to be rubbed by Sarah and me.
Sarah did reach down and give her a quick pat as I looked around. The guys were mostly shirtless and the girls were all in their bathing suites and I looked out of place in my shirt and cargo shorts. I knew mostly everybody and claimed to be friends with most of them even though I knew I wasn’t.
“I look so stupid,” I stated grabbing at my shirt.
“Then go find Tommy and change,” she responded smiling her patented smile. She told me once that her mother actually taught her to smile that way since she had high expectations of her becoming an actress or a model, but Sarah was too smart for that. We didn’t talk a lot in high school though she was the unapproachable girl that didn’t want to be unapproachable and Julie was the reason I didn’t speak to her much. Julie and her were always competing for attention. They was both beautiful girls and most people called their relationship the whole hair color preference and which one could have more fun struggle for dominance of the school.
“No, I think I’ll just go. I just got out of the house because I forgot the pay the electric bill and they cut it off.” I responded and wanted to take it back as soon as I said it because he snapped around to look at me and her smile was gone. It was different from the frown that I received from Derek, but I knew that look too well and I didn’t want to be looked at like that again.
“How are you?” She asked attempting to sooth me.
“I’m holding up,” I answered trying to sound convincing.
“Really?” She asked offering a small smile. “If you need a woman cooked meal you can come over to my house anytime.” I didn’t know if she was trying to come on to me or if she was sincere but I smiled at her anyway.
“Sure thing,” I shrugged, “I’m kind of getting tired of my own cooking anyway.”
“Well go change so we can catch up a little,” she stated then pointed me out to Tommy. I found him and I didn’t know him all that well at all either. Julie had done her best to shelter me from people she didn’t like and Julie didn’t like most people at all.
“Charlie Williams, Mr. High School man at my party?” Tommy asked after I walked up to him. “You’re over dressed.”
“I didn’t know this was a pool party,” I responded taking his hand and shaking it.
“I don’t know if what I have would fit you,” he stated looking me over. I was built like him, but he was a few inches taller than me. He was the tallest guy in class, but never did any sports. He was too good for sports and was more of a rebel then anything.
“I don’t care,” I shrugged and he smiled and I followed him into the house, which wasn’t part of the party at all. He actually had his doors locked to keep the ones that happened to get drunk out of his parents house. They were the most prominent family in the town and had the best house. I followed him up to his room and he handed me a pair of trunks and he laughed slightly.
“Going to be interesting when you change,” he stated lightly and I stepped into the bathroom down the hall and changed returning. They weren’t what he wore to go swimming he would have out grown them. They were tight on me and I thought that this was some sort of joke but then I saw him staring at me before he smiled.
“What?” I asked and he nodded towards my package. “Don’t look there.”
“Well there isn’t like you could imagine anything about what’s in there when it’s all right in front of you,” Tommy responded laughing. “They’re a good three years old and it definitely shows.”
“Yeah, well I’m just going to go change back,” I countered shaking my head then he stopped me by taking hold of my bare shoulder.
“Don’t take criticism well?” He asked and I turned around.
“I do take it well I just don’t want to look like…” I trailed off when he bit his bottom lip to keep from laughing. “Forget it.” I then pushed past him and headed back down stairs and out the back door. He followed from behind me, but I was done talking to him and went in search for Sarah again, finding her by the pool talking to the girls she hung out with in high school.
“Hey Charlie,” she greeted again and I sat down on the side of the pool in front of the four girls that were all looking up at me now.
“How are you?” Angela asked she was also a blonde haired girl, but her hair was normally curly but it was wet right now.
“I’m good,” I replied and then no one asked me that stupid question again. I would never feel that good about that question again. I had been asked too many times and I had to lie just as much.
They started talking about school and I found that I had no memories like theirs. They had all had their own little stories to tell about various happenings around here that I knew nothing about. They talked about their flag football games in the park with the guys and how they were all mean during the game and tried sucking up afterwards when they pretended to be pissed. They were all dating guys from college now all of them going far away for college in different directions and I was sitting here in this town going to the local college. They were settling, but they didn’t have to go through what I did and I found myself resenting them a little.
I had to keep smiling every time one of them mentioned that I didn’t go to this or that. I didn’t hate them for telling these stories they fascinated me just as much as I resented hearing them and I normally didn’t feel this conflicted about things, but now I was finding myself conflicted a lot.
“Where are you going to school Charlie?” Megan asked she was a redhead that didn’t have that many freckles dotted across her body. She was the one that most guys would over look out of the gang they referred themselves to being in.
“I’m going here,” I answered and they looked at me for a second then fell silent. People didn’t know how to act around me after my mom died. I knew it would be like that because they never really knew me to begin with. “I’m going to go.”
“Charlie I want to talk to you for a minute,” Sarah announced suddenly then followed me to the back porch of Tommy’s house. He had left the door unlocked when I tried it, but I sat down on the swing and she sat down beside me. She cleared her voice and I turned to look at her.
“What’d you want to talk about?” I asked breaking the silence.
“Are you really ok?” She asked studying me.
“Should I be ok?” I asked ignoring her question. I had just found out what I missed and how different I was from this place and how they thought that I was some loser even if they revered me in high school. I was nothing to them now, just a shadow of my former self and they saw it even if I denied that fact to myself.
“Not completely ok, not after what all happened,” she answered and I felt her hand on mine and I looked down at it. “But there are ways to get past it.” That’s when I remembered that Sarah’s older sister had died in a car accident when we were in middle school.
“I just need time with this,” I reasoned not liking the fact that her hand was resting on mine that I had resting inches away from my crotch.
“Yeah, you do, but when your dad left you never got over that,” Sarah countered carefully and I looked up at her. “You stopped talking to me altogether after that and I hated that.”
“I stopped talking to a lot of people after that,” I explained, looking at her. “I’m sorry if that hurt you I was just too busy.”
“I know that you were busy with your mom, but you started listening to Julie,” Sarah countered almost coldly and I shrugged her hand away.
“Julie is my friend Sarah,” I protested shaking my head. “Please get over this little spat you have with her already.”
“I resent her because I liked you,” she whispered, “I wanted to be your friend and every time I tried talking to you she’d be there.”
“You didn’t miss much with me,” I countered and she took my hand again.
“Yes I did, I missed your life falling apart and I wanted to be there for that. I wanted to be there for you,” she responded and I blinked a few times.
“You didn’t know me back then Sarah,” I said, “And you don’t know me now.”
“Why are you going to Camdon?” She asked holding my hand more firmly than what she was before. I couldn’t answer her, not after tonight and what happened. I was going to go to Camdon because Derek was going there, but that look told me that it didn’t matter where I went he’d never be able to forgive what I said. I didn’t want to be forgiven for it; because I did nothing wrong and I think he knew that even if it was the one thing that made him break his promise. “Why are you going to Camdon?”
“I don’t know,” I answered her finally.
“Then why don’t you come to the college that I’m going to?” She asked smiling, “So we can make up for lost time.”
“I’ll never like you,” I said, “I am not able to like you.”
“I know,” she whispered forcing a smile. “I know why too.”
“You do?” I asked unsure of myself.
“You’re gay,” she answered and my jaw dropped. How could she have known that about me?
“I visited your mom a lot,” Sara, explained, “I told her not to tell you that I dropped by.”
“You visited my mom?” I asked trying to find dishonesty in her, but I couldn’t. “Why?”
“She was important to me too Charlie,” she said, “She really helped me and you know it. You just didn’t realize it because you didn’t want to.”
“Because I was gay?” I asked and she nodded.
“You didn’t realize anything about me,” she said.
“You weren’t ever invisible to me Sarah.” I stated and she smiled.
“I know.” She responded and I stared at her for the longest time. I had a new respect for Sarah Lawrence and that’s when I realized something.
“Your last name is Lawrence,” I muttered quickly.
“What does that have to do with anything?” She asked looking confused.
“Do you know Derek Lawrence?” I asked quickly.
“He’s my cousin that I only see at reunions I think,” Sarah answered, “Tall dark haired and tanned?” I frowned at the similarities and she watched me.
“He’s in town,” I stated looking out at the people partying still. Again people were having fun living and I was sitting off to the side of things.
“Really?” She asked surprised. “Why?”
“He’s staying with a friend of his,” I answered, “He’s going to Camdom.”
“Are you friends with him?” She asked ignoring people who wanted her to return to the pool. They could’ve cared less if I was there or not. The whole social order had been forgotten since high school and as I was forgotten along with it. Most of the graduating class didn’t talk to me on that night, I didn’t stay long, but I at least expected a few people to congratulate me. Julie was right I was going to be alone and I was well on my way.
“No I’m not friends with him,” I answered quickly then stood up. “I’m going to go, I’m pretty tired.”
“Ok,” she responded standing then she wrapped me up into a body her head resting on my chest. “Don’t become a stranger.”
“See you around,” I stated before stepping out of the embrace and entering Tommy’s house to change out of these uncomfortably small pair of trunks. After changing I walked back to my car and noticed that I was starving and I knew that I didn’t want to return to a dark house so I went to the restaurant that I met Derek in. I don’t know why I did, but that’s the only place I wanted to eat at.
It was getting late and I was glad to see that they were still open when I pulled in. I walked in and sat down waiting for the waitress at the same table that Derek and I had sat the last time we were here and I smiled as the same waitress came walking up to me.
“Where’s that friend of yours tonight?” She asked grabbing her note pad.
“Oh he’s around,” I answered offering her a smile, “I want a salad today I’m not that hungry.”
“Sure thing,” she responded then left me. It only took her a few minutes to bring me my salad and she left me to eat in peace.
“Um Charlie is it?” The waitress asked walking back up to me.
“Yeah,” I answered surprised by the intrusion.
“I just noticed that you looked a bit down so I brought you a chocolate milkshake,” she stated then sat down at the table and handed me it. I smiled at the gesture.
“Yeah, I forgot to pay my electric bill so I’ve been avoiding going home to a dark house,” I responded and she rolled her eyes.
“Well that’s shitty,” she offered causing me to laugh. I had never heard a waitress curse before. “You’ve had a rough couple of years haven’t you?”
“Why do you ask?” I asked ignoring her question.
“I collect old newspapers and your mother died this year and I read in the obituaries that your parents had divorced just the summer before this one.” She answered carefully, “But I don’t mean to pry it’s the mother in me.”
“You don’t look old enough to be a mom,” I found myself saying and she blushed slightly.
“Well thank you,” she stated lightly, “I’m thirty-two.”
“Oh, how old is your children?” I asked feeling thankful for the company while I ate.
“I have a boy that’s two his name is Nik, and a three year old girl named Kelsey,” she answered then pulled out two pictures and showed them to me. I didn’t know where she pulled them out of, but it made me smile knowing that she thought of her kids every hour she was working. Neither of them looked too much likes her so I assumed they looked like their father.
“They’re cute,” I stated and handed her back the pictures.
“Little brats though,” she added shaking her head and I started drinking the milkshake as she told me stories about them and the reasons they were brats. For the first time she didn’t tell me to leave, but the manager came out and told her that it was time to close so she had to leave me to clean and I had to leave the restaurant.
I found two nice people tonight and earlier I reconnected with some of my friends that I had pushed away or neglected. Sarah and that waitress knew about my life during these past couple of years though and I wondered if people were just being nice to me because they felt sorry for me. I didn’t want to think that was the case, but Derek’s reaction to me made me think that he was only doing it to be nice.
I did invite him over and he did stay, but my mom’s death changed the circumstances of his stay and he became too important too fast. He left for that reason, I understood that much. What I didn’t understand is how the very sight of me disgusted him and I didn’t know if I ever cared to know why that was or not. I didn’t want to go home, but I was out of options, but pulling into the driveway and seeing a familiar car I frowned. I stepped out of my car and I watched as Derek got out of his as well.
“What are you doing here?” I asked walking past him not caring if he really answered me or not as I walked to the door and unlocked it.
“You were looking for me earlier,” Derek answered easily like the only reason he was here is because I had gone to look for him. It was uncaring to me and I had to push the anger that was building after I heard him say it.
“It wasn’t important,” I offered glancing back at him trying to sound just as uncommitted as I was about the whole situation.
“Really what did you want?” He asked closing the door so that I couldn’t enter the house and I turned to lean against the door.
“You didn’t tell me that Sarah Lawrence was your cousin,” I stated ignoring his question then grabbed his hand taking it off the doorknob then opening the door and walking in I lit the candles in the living room with him watching from the open doorway. “It’s late.”
“Answer my question, its important,” Derek ordered gently and I turned to look at him.
“I just wanted to know something, but I got the answer I wanted, and no it’s not important,” I responded trying not to sound as angry as I was.
“Why are you acting like this?” He asked and I turned to find that he had closed the door and was now leaning against it in the dancing light of the candles.
“You walked out on me!” I snapped glaring at him. “You left me here because you thought that I wasn’t ready for you to be close to me. You broke a promise. I came to look for you because I thought I had made a mistake.”
“A mistake?” Derek asked calmly.
“Yes a mistake,” I answered just as angrily as before. “I know I didn’t now not after I saw you.”
“Me and Justin aren’t together if that’s what this is about,” Derek stated smiling slightly, “He’s straight as hell.”
“I didn’t think you were with him,” I countered shaking my head, “I think you’re disgusted by me.”
“What the hell?” Derek asked, “Disgusted by you?”
“Yes,” I answered strongly, “You made me feel stupid for looking for you when you came to the door.”
“You surprised the shit out of me,” Derek countered, “I wasn’t acting that way because I didn’t want to see you.”
“I don’t care,” I snapped, not wanting to feel that I was wrong about this whole thing. I wanted to be mad at him for leaving , but I was finding it really hard to be.
“I’m sorry that you felt bad,” Derek apologized after pause, “I just thought that…”
“That it was ok to leave me feeling like this?” I asked interrupting him. “Derek you left me because you wanted to. I’m ok with the fact that I’m unable to give you what you want right now so just leave.”
“Charlie,” Derek groaned rubbing his eyes. “I left because I was getting too close too fast.”
“Too close too fast?” I asked, “You’ve said that before.”
“You’re a very likable guy Charlie, no one would ever be disgusted in you,” Derek stated then took a step towards me. “So what was the real reason you dropped by?”
“I wanted to tell you that I was wrong about our talk this morning,” I answered honestly. I had let my guard down after hearing his reason. I didn’t like that I wasn’t putting up a stronger effort, but I couldn’t with the way he was suddenly looking at me.
“What was wrong about our talk?” He asked curiously but kept walking across the living room to where I was.
“I lied to you,” I answered and he shot me a quick frown. “about not liking you.”
“Oh,” he whispered as his face formed a smile. “I knew you were.”
“Then why did you leave?” I asked stepping away from him.
“It was the best way for you to see that you really liked me too,” Derek answered shrugging. “You’re pretty stubborn until you’re alone and can think about things better, you know?”
“So I’ve been told,” I growled rolling my eyes. “I made Gina break the rules and give me your friend’s address and everything.”
“So that’s how you found me,” he responded laughing, “Smart guy.”
“Nah, I drove around for hours looking for your car first,” I muttered blushing in the dim light but then I felt his hands rub up my arms. I hadn’t paid any attention to what he was doing until I shivered with the contact. I looked at him and he was smiling at me.
“My bags are in the car if the invitation is still good,” he whispered and I nodded. I watched as he left me and brought his bags back into the house. I didn’t understand what all had happened. I felt so many different emotions during this conversation. I concluded that I was just glad to see him moving back into the house.
When he entered with his last bag he sat it down with the others then walked back to me taking my hand smiling. I didn’t fight against being led up to my bedroom again. He took my clothes off of me gently pushing me on the bed to pull off my shorts.
Then he disappeared for a while, I heard him walk down stairs and I smiled when I realized that he had gone down stairs to blow out the neglected candles. When he returned he took off his clothes and got into my bed beside me.
Then I felt his hand rub across my stomach and up my chest. It was too dark for me to see him or him to see me, I felt his lips brush across my cheek right beside my ear lobe then right at the corner of my mouth where I turned and found his lips and kissed him before he rolled on top of me kissing me back.
We didn’t do anything other than kiss one another for a few minutes before he rolled over and rubbed my stomach until I felt his movements slow, then stop. He had fallen asleep comforting me and I snuggled up against him and fell asleep too.
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9
Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you.
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