Drifts - 6. Aftermath

As Joel poured himself another cup of coffee during their lazy Saturday breakfast, he glanced over to Lucas who as usual was engrossed in something on his tablet. It could be world events or the latest on the Kardashians. Lucas had a tendency to read everything and anything, his curiosity about the world and people driving him to read incessantly. Despite Lucas repeatedly telling him the opposite, Joel sometimes felt uninformed and even stupid, since he just couldn’t keep his focus on much other than ice hockey. Sure, he read the news and tried to keep up, but he could never keep even steps with Lucas. It was as if anything and everything was interesting to his husband with his insatiable need to know what was going on. Even in the most remote corners of the world. Joel supposed he should count himself lucky, since this outgoing and curious nature had meant Joel could experience things he’d never thought possible. His life had changed so completely and he had Lucas to thank for much of it. Showing him possibilities where he before had been stuck on self-doubt and second guessing. Allowing him to be himself, truly himself, even when that was not who people in general expected.

“You want more coffee?” He held the pot out, wiggling it slightly to emphasize his words.

Joel’s question made Lucas look up, a slightly confused look on his face. He had been firmly lost in his reading, but then he smiled.

“Thanks, babe.” He gave his cup to Joel and then lowered his eyes, once again disappearing from the world. Joel shook his head as he refilled Lucas’ cup. Placing both cups to the table, he sat down. A dull ache reminded him of their adventure a few nights ago. Joel felt himself blush. Waking up the morning after had been both weird and relaxed. Dean had made them breakfast, all while chatting easily with them. Lucas had managed to respond, even if Joel could tell he wasn’t totally at ease. As for Joel, he tried to join in but eventually gave up. There were too many emotions whirling around inside him to speak and he knew he would need some time to digest everything. His clever husband of course knew this and gave him time, not broaching the subject at all since that morning. Joel felt he’d had enough time for thinking now, but couldn’t figure out how to bring it up. Putting into words how he felt was never easy for him and this was even harder. Would this be a regular thing now, them playing with others? How did Lucas feel about that? How did he himself feel about it? Would they suffer from jealousy? The questions went around and around in his head, but didn’t give him any idea how to begin.

Just as he opened his mouth to simply say something, Lucas’ phone chirped. Joel fell silent, trying to read the reaction from Lucas. Emergency at work? No, they’d call, not text. Family thing? Possibly. He watched as a smirk spread over Lucas’ face. Then his husband glanced up at him. Joel could tell the text was something different. Lucas didn’t say anything, but simply put his phone down and then returned his eyes to Joel. Joel could tell he wanted to say something, but for once his man seemed at a loss for words. That rare occurrence had Joel’s heart rate increasing. What was going on?

“That was Dean.”

The short statement said it all. They were going to talk about this. Now.

“He wanted to say thanks.” Lucas hesitated, biting the corner of his lower lip. “And also let us know that if we want a repeat, he’d be happy to join us.” He gazed intently at Joel.

Joel suddenly didn’t know what to say. So many thoughts were rushing through his mind. He felt his cheeks tinge slightly as he remembered the events of that night. A night that had made him feel satisfied in a way he’d never experienced before. At the same time, he couldn’t silence a nagging voice within. He was worried it meant something more. Something disturbing.

“I can tell you’re thinking about what happened. We probably should talk about this.” After a sip of coffee, Lucas took a deep breath and then exhaled. “I have been thinking about that night. Maybe we shouldn’t have done it. Maybe I shouldn’t have pushed you…”

“You didn’t push me!” Joel shook his head vehemently. “I wanted to do it too.”

“Yes, I know it’s been a fantasy of yours for long, but we should have discussed the possibility first, in peace at home. Like any sensible people would do…” Leaning back in his chair, Lucas scratched the back of his head. “I’m afraid I screwed up.”

Joel reached over and grabbed Lucas’ right hand.

“You didn’t screw up. If I didn’t want to do that, I would have said something. I swear.” He gently squeezed the hand in his and lowered his eyes. For some reason, his voice came out barely audible. “I’ve been worried I forced this on you. That was my fantasy, not yours. I didn’t even stop to ask if you were OK with it. Or what it would mean for us in the future.”

They sat in silence for a few moments. Joel felt a weird sensation in the pit of his stomach. It grew as the silence extended between them.

“I must admit I’m a bit conflicted.” Lucas’ words made Joel’s chest constrict ever so slightly. “I haven’t really had a problem about being more than two when it comes to sex. It’s been a while, though, and I wasn’t in any serious relationship. Not even close to what we have.”

“I’ve never done anything like that ever.” Joel flicked his eyes briefly to Lucas’, before having to look down again.

“I know, and that’s why I feel I shouldn’t have let things go so far that night.”

A hand slowly caressed Joel’s head.

“But it’s not your responsibility!” Looking at their joined hands, Joel reined his feelings in and made an effort to gather his thoughts. They had to be able to at least talk about this. He had to be able to talk about this. “Despite my inexperience, I’m not a child. I really liked what we did, then and there. But I don’t know if I’ll ever want to do it again. Do you?”

“I don’t know. Only if you want to.” Lucas smiled almost shyly at him. “It was incredibly hot to see you so lost in the moment and so open to us. Your trust in us, your surrender… I get all hard just thinking about it.”

Joel blushed again.

“But I would never want to do something you’re not comfortable with. We can keep that night as one of those one time things. A memory just for the two of us.” Lucas chuckled. “Or well… Three with Dean.”

“But what if…” Joel forced the words out before he could stop himself. “What if I want to…? Would you want to?”

“You’d like to do it again?” Lucas spoke in a hushed tone, as if careful not to pressure Joel.

“Yes… No… I think so.” After brief silence, Joel continued. “Would that be wrong? To ask others to join us? Does it mean we’re not enough for each other? That we’re not in love anymore?”

“Not in love?” Lucas got up and stood in front of Joel, cradling Joel’s face in his hands. “Don’t say such ridiculous things! Nothing could ever make me stop loving you. Nothing you ever ask for will make me stop loving you.” He bent down and kissed Joel. “But we do need some rules, I think.”

“Rules?”

“Yes, we should’ve had those in place before, but better late than never.” Lucas sat down again. “I’m not suggesting we have a contract or anything like that. Just an understanding of what is OK and not between us.”

“OK.” Joel didn’t know what else to say. What rules did Lucas have in mind?

“I think the most important rule should be never to have sex with someone else unless we’re both there.”

“Well, of course not! That would be cheating!” The mere thought made Joel bristle.

“I think quite a few people would consider having another person joining us cheating too, no matter if we’re both there. At least crossing a few solid boundaries.” Lucas calmed him down. “We make the rules here and we decide what is OK for us. We can make them up as we go along. However, I think the next rule should be to not do anything without actually talking about it first. At least to check that we’re on the same page.”

Joel nodded.

“So, it would be OK to say I’m kind of wanting to do it again, but not knowing when and with who?”

“That would be OK.” Lucas kissed his hand. “So, no repeat with Dean just yet?” A naughty look crept into Lucas’ eyes, making Joel smile.

“No, I think we should take some time to think about it.” Joel took a moment to think. “Maybe we can meet up at a club? Just hang out? And then see what happens later?”

“I think that’s a great idea.”

I'd like to thank @Lyssa for the inspiration to write this chapter! 
 
If you have a suggestion for a chapter, let me know! There's no telling what will set my mind spinning...