The Married Rat - 3. Chapter 3

3

From Alan: This slow emotional and physical strip you’re doing makes you increasingly vulnerable. Which only makes you seem more desirable. In my imagination, that man’s hands will soon be slowly moving all over you. Though there seems so much more to you than what you’re protecting with your shorts.

From Ruiz: A bit more from you would be helpful.

From Alan: I wasn’t sure if you wanted more from anyone besides being attentive. The point of your fantasy – if that’s what it is – seems to be that it’s yours, and anyone’s comments might only dilute it. And don’t let reality stop you, but there are cameras in even the remotest parking lots these days. Not to mention random satellite photos. So if this is more than a fantasy, try to be alert to hidden cameras and cameras from other buildings that overlap and have a very long range. It’s pretty safe to say that, these days, in urban areas at least, nothing is unobserved.

From Ruiz: This is all interesting to me, thank you.

From Alan: But you’re a hot guy with a seemingly untapped sex drive, a great imagination, and, in earlier days, I would have loved to play with you – in private. Presently, no matter how attractive you are, I’m too restricted to be led by my dick. That said, I often have the freedom to chat, online, late in the evening, for a short amount of time, if you’re interested and available.

From Ruiz: Again thanks. Everything to this point has been pretty organic on my side, really just led by whatever I imagined as I wrote, so I’m not too attached to any of it particularly. That said, as you’ve noticed, my head does gravitate toward a scenario and/or predicament so the question is to conceive of a private setting that would also have some stakes for me erotically.

From Alan: To me, you already have the private setting that seems to have some erotic stakes – you, in your torn shorts, in the dark, alone on your bed. That’s pretty vivid. If we wanted – theoretically – to go on, we could start with a bar, probably one walking distance from where you live. You could have a couple of drinks, and I could offer to drive you home. The only thing you’d need to add, since I don’t have a hidden camera or infrared vision, is a bit of light coming from the next room, slicing dimly across your bed. And maybe a comfortable armchair, so I could sit and watch. Also – and this is just a guess – you seem to be heading toward your late twenties with a limited amount sex. Outside of alone anyway. Yet it seems very important to you.

From Ruiz: You’re very perceptive. Yes that’s true.

From Alan: So are these fantasies a build-up of non-experience? Or a real drive?

From Ruiz: Say that another way.

From Alan: When was the last time you had sex. With a man or a woman.

From Ruiz: How do you define sex.

From Alan: Any way any guy would.

From Ruiz: Ha!

From Alan: That was an easy laugh. I’m surprised. I thought you were more serious.

From Ruiz: Sex with a woman, maybe two months ago. Maybe years with a guy. Two years, maybe less.

From Alan: A woman friend or someone you paid?

From Ruiz: Do I seem that desperate.

From Alan: We live in different times. Everything’s acceptable.

From Ruiz: With someone I knew. And does all of this information make me seem more appealing or less.

From Alan: I’m just learning. As I’ve said, you’re already pretty appealing.

From Ruiz: I could be exponentially more appealing.

From Alan: In what way?

From Ruiz: Better looking, more fit.

From Alan: Is that why you only have a limited photo online – of what may be you in your shorts? It may be clip art. Are you afraid guys won’t be interested?

From Ruiz: Yes/no. Out of shape. A bit too much hair. Nearing 30. And that’s me in the photo.

From Alan: Good to know. Though you’re four years away from thirty. Even if that’s closer to three, you’re still pretty much a kid. And you describe yourself as a “gym rat.”

From Ruiz: I go to the gym almost every day. But it takes better on other guys.

From Alan: That the reason for fantasizing about the dark?

From Ruiz: No. That stems from my usual reality while writing.

From Alan: Seems to me you’ve looked at too much porn and you’re comparing yourself to those guys.

From Ruiz: I’ve probably looked at less than an hour of porn in my entire life.

From Alan: But you’ve compared yourself to a lot of guys. Guys whose workouts “work.”

From Ruiz: Could be.

From Alan: Do women like what they see when you’re with them? Guys have an entirely different standard, whether they’re straight or gay. Women’s thoughts seem more rational.

From Ruiz: Yeah, women are more into me.

From Alan: Where do you meet them? Or guys, for that matter?

From Ruiz: Just in life really. I heard about this site and got curious but I don’t spend a lot of time online. Not for this stuff.

From Alan: Do you date? Do you want to be married, regardless of the sex of your partner?

From Ruiz: Not a lot of interest in marriage or dating.

From Alan: Are you happier alone?

From Ruiz: It comes and goes. You have to make a friend of it I feel. Solitude, loneliness, aloneness, sadness, melancholy, and then all the more positive experiences/emotions.

From Alan: I’m happiest surrounded by intelligent, communicative, grounded people.

From Ruiz: Same here.

From Alan: So if you’re happy surrounded by people, why do you spend so much time alone? You can’t work alone.

From Ruiz: For now I’m more interested in keeping you in the abstract. It’s more erotic for me. And keeping you in a more superior position rather than as equals.

From Alan: You hardly seem like you’re seeking a superior. What’s that mean to you?

From Ruiz: It means not committing to any one idea. Where’s discovery or mystery.

From Alan: I admit there’s a lot of energy in the abstract. But the roles some guys take on this site are more serious and sometimes go back pretty far, psychologically. That’s why the site exists. Especially in places where there are a lot more men to choose from. This site lets them look very specifically so saves them a lot of time. And you probably know all this.

From Ruiz: Not really but it’s not interesting energy. It’s reductive. And I’m not into role playing per se, but I can lose myself in an erotic scenario that I might not otherwise realistically ever experience.

From Alan: Separate from the “the ripped shorts, dark room, and bed,” what’s an erotic scenario you might imagine but would never want to realistically experience?

From Ruiz: Rape.

From Alan: Holy shit. Why?

From Ruiz: It’s a fairly common fantasy.

From Alan: Not why it’s common. Why would you, particularly, imagine or enjoy it?

From Ruiz: Loss of control. This is from the receiving end not committing.

From Alan: I knew that you’d want to receive – and without it having anything to do with the physical aspect. Though I’m not sure you’d actually enjoy being fucked. There are so many other ways to arouse guys through that area of their bodies.

From Ruiz: Fair.

From Alan: You seem to be very carefully in control, even for a guy who’s supposedly naked in his shorts.

From Ruiz: I am naked in my shorts. You want proof.

From Alan: I didn’t mean just at this moment.

From Ruiz: If you want a photo, command it from your superior position.

From Alan: Nah, I like you. Don’t want to make you uncomfortable.

From Ruiz: You haven’t asked for a photo but there, I’ve just sent it.

From Alan: Great. Now I have a shot of you from your neck to your knees, wearing only a T-shirt and shorts . The photo of just your torn shorts was more erotic, which I believe I told you the first time. Though thanks for not showing me your dick. I expected that, since you seem uncomfortable about your body.

From Ruiz: That’s all correct.

From Alan: Theoretically, it might be fun to give you a massage someday – to help you get over that. You can keep on your virtual T-shirt and shorts.

From Ruiz: Maybe one day when I’m fit. But in a hotel room. Where we’ll meet

From Alan: If you wait for that to happen, you might be dead. There are no hotel rooms in my future.

From Ruiz: Well if there are no hotel rooms, we’re at an impasse.

From Alan: That often happens on this site. When I was active, I’d usually meet guys at their houses. In the very brief time when I was single, in my early twenties, I had no trouble using my apartment.

From Ruiz: And what happens when you don’t end up meeting guys at their houses.

From Alan: The problem with hotels, for me, is they’re about as private as parking lots. And for over thirty years, I’ve been used to sharing almost everything about my life.

From Ruiz: What if the other guy gets the room and you just arrive.

From Alan: I told you, I don’t meet guys much anymore. It’s kind of self-restraint. Same as staying strictly on this site, no matter how much easier it would be to text or talk on the phone.

From Ruiz: I’m sure there are plenty of parking lots that aren’t monitored.

From Alan: Don’t fool yourself. Cameras are everywhere.

From Ruiz: Right. But why the concern about a hotel camera.

From Alan: If I absolutely had to – if the urge or the lure became that intense – I’d rather meet someone in a cheap motel that couldn’t afford a camera – or one whose clients wouldn’t want a camera there. Also, somewhere far from home – so I didn’t run into someone I knew. But not so far that I couldn’t simply and logically explain why I was in that area if I had car problems – or an accident. My concern about leaving any kind of evidence is I’d like to stay married. And no matter how much freedom I’m tacitly given, my marriage depends on my never seeming to test it.

From Ruiz: Understood. What about meeting for coffee at a local Starbucks.

From Alan: ‘Long as it’s not in the parking lot.

From Ruiz: Ha.

From Alan: You seem to be an easy laugh.

From Ruiz: Thanks.

From Alan: It’s a good quality.

From Ruiz: So you would meet me.

From Alan: Sure. I meet a lot of people on business. Sometimes for coffee.

From Ruiz: Sure it might not end your interest.

From Alan: Anything might end my interest – or yours. Or raise it.

From Ruiz: Yes. Though you seem as well defended as you claim I am.

From Alan: No offense, but I think you’d be well defended naked in a hotel room. Partly through lack of experience. Possibly through not being able to relax around a guy who seems more comfortable with your body than you are.

From Ruiz: Righty.

From Alan: I sometimes think you’ve spent less time naked with other people than that collective hour you’ve spent watching porn. But that’s a concrete question, and we need to stay abstract. Though – again theoretically – it would be nice to know who’s presently more aroused just now – you or me.

From Ruiz: Well how aroused are you and by what. My hand is under the blanket, going back and forth idly across my briefs and I’m mostly hard.

From Alan: But hard because of your hand or because of our talking? I’ll bet I match you with both hands on my keyboard, and I’m not sure it’s just because of your inaccessibility.

From Ruiz: My inaccessibility.

From Alan: Yep. As I said, my chance of actually giving you a massage in a hotel room seems directly proportionate to your feeling that you have a showable body. But before we get anywhere near a theoretical hotel, we have the obstacle of an actual Starbucks.

From Ruiz: There seems to be this edgy passive aggressive vibe that’s rolled in. I’ve been careful not to have a go at any of your preferences

From Alan: Nah, I was just trying to be cute. Sorry. When would we meet for coffee?

From Ruiz: It just feels suddenly combative.

From Alan: I really want to meet you, kid. If only so we can casually talk face-to-face. I hate typing.

From Ruiz: Thanks for that but it feels inappropriate for either of us to get that intense as regards the limitations or preferences either of us may have

From Alan: I’m a surprisingly boring, predictable, and simple man for a guy who claims to value imagination. Possibly the only thing I defend is my marriage. And clearly, fidelity doesn’t come into that.

From Ruiz: Are you conflicted about that.

From Alan: No, I just don’t want to hurt anyone.

From Ruiz: Wise.

From Alan: Then about coffee?

From Ruiz: I’d like a bar first.

From Alan: Why that over Starbucks?

From Ruiz: There’s inhibition-relaxing liquor that’s being legally served in a darker more moody atmosphere.

From Alan: Yep, I was weighing the booze against the atmosphere.

From Ruiz: A near-silent encounter in a dim room also appeals for energy though.

From Alan: You’re the second guy I know who wants that near-silent, dim bar. Though the other guy wants a gay bar with a particular kind of porn flickering, and he needs to maintain the illusion that he’s completely straight.

From Ruiz: Could you find that in Cedar Rapids.

From Alan: Probably not in all of Iowa.

From Ruiz: Ha. Still I don’t require porn.

From Alan: Yep, that’s how I feel. In any case, I need to go take a shower. If it’s any consolation, you’ll be my focus of my attention for the next ten or fifteen minutes.

From Ruiz: Oh.

From Alan: Yep.

From Ruiz: What’s been arousing and how will I be the focus.

From Alan: Alan, in the shower, with the candlestick.

From Ruiz: Ah. Thinking about what though.

From Alan: Don’t be naive. You’re even more interesting now that I’ve learned a little about you.

From Ruiz: When will you start issuing commands that I have to take seriously

From Alan: Jerk off, one-two. Jerk off, three-four. Naked shot, one-two, three-four. Your marching orders. The photo’s for you. I don’t need to see it. But you do. You’re abstract adorable.

From Ruiz: Thank you.

From Alan: Oh, shit, kid, you’ve got me flying, and you don’t even realize it.

From Ruiz: I kinda don’t.

From Alan: Then strip down and take that picture. And look at it.

From Ruiz: Maybe later.

From Alan: It doesn’t take any imagination.

From Ruiz: Will I be hearing from you tomorrow morning then.

From Alan: Unless you’re busy when I’m free. And maybe the reason you don’t know how aroused I am is because you don’t know how hot you can be.

From Ruiz: Maybe I don’t.

From Alan: Then maybe it’s time to learn.

From Ruiz: I suppose.

From Alan: ‘Night.

From Ruiz: Goodnight.

From Alan: Yeah.