The Married Rat - 9. Chapter 9

13

From Alan: While I was working this afternoon, I occasionally distracted myself by considering your sexual experience. I believe it started relatively recently with men, in your mid-twenties, which could be just last year – you haven’t been specific. I’m not sure when it started with women and not sure I’ve asked.

From Ruiz: What do you mean.

From Alan: But if you’re comfortable taking the traditional approach with women, did you do the same thing with men?

From Ruiz: Can you ask that another way.

From Alan: Can you remind me when your first sexual experience was with a guy?

From Ruiz: What’s a traditional approach. You mean dating and fooling around - I’ll show you mine if... I suspect when I was very young but I have no memory of it. Nor any sense of trauma.

From Alan: When was your first adult experience with a woman?

From Ruiz: 15.

Maybe.

14.

Not less.

So none of them adult.

From Alan: When was your first girlfriend?

From Ruiz: Ha. Kindergarten. Earlier. I was a cute kid.

From Alan: Who grew into a good-looking guy who somehow doesn’t realize that. Why?

From Ruiz: All the reasons I gave you.

From Alan: You’re sure it has nothing to do with your sexuality? “If I don’t think I’m good-looking there’d be no reason for that guy to be looking at me? He must be queer?”

From Ruiz: I’m sure of nothing.

From Alan: Women have to find you attractive.

From Ruiz: There’ve always been women - girls. I’m just not interested.

From Alan: And you won’t let yourself be interested in guys. Something of an impass.

From Ruiz: Since when are you a psychologist.

From Alan: I’ve done a bit of counseling over the years – informally. Kids often ask their coaches for advice. High school guys won’t flat out ask about sex if they think they’re different. But they’ll ask indirectly. And I’ll answer that way.

From Ruiz: So you think you’ve got me figured out.

From Alan: No way. I barely know you. I have no context. And you won’t give me one because you want to keep things abstract.

From Ruiz: It sounds like you resent that.

From Alan: It’s funny how you get defensive at the littlest probe. I don’t mean it. You’re a hot guy who I’d love to fuck and would love to have fuck me. You’re a guy I’d be happy to spend an evening with, or a weekend, and to hell with who you are outside the context of a room or a bed. You’re a guy I’d love to kiss, in a park, three blocks from my house, knowing all I’d be risking, and the only thing that stops me is I already know what I’ve risked and sacrificed by thinking with my dick. So I don’t have you figured out, and I don’t think I ever could. I’m just trying to help.

From Ruiz: What have you sacrificed.

From Alan: That’s pretty funny, focusing on that. We were talking about you.

From Ruiz: What do you think you’ve sacrificed.

From Alan: A political career I didn’t know I wanted and didn’t know I’d be good at. I can’t run for public office – I can barely take appointed positions. And it has less to do with my being interested in guys, and everything to do with the fact that any investigation would wreck the happiness of my family.

From Ruiz: Which you value most.

From Alan: Always. And always have. I just see sex as separate from that, and – frankly – so does my wife. But the general public wouldn’t.

From Ruiz: You sound pretty bitter.

From Alan: Hell, no! I’m the happiest guy I know – because I’ve given myself so much permission to be happy. I only started taking that freedom away – some of it – when I realized other people need to be happier. But you’re only twenty-six, and it doesn’t sound like you’ve ever had sex that you’ve enjoyed. I did at sixteen – with girls – and not too long after with guys. Unfortunately, I was raised to be fearless and I took it seriously.

From Ruiz: I wasn’t raised that way.

From Alan: I’ve sensed that.

From Ruiz. Some of it’s education.

Some religion.

Some’s just me.

From Alan: Maybe it’s time to get over that.

From Ruiz: You don’t think I’m trying.

From Alan: I know you are. And – fortunately – you live at the right time and in a pretty good place. But you need to be out and dating. Guys.

From Ruiz: I’m not ready.

From Alan: That’s fair. And that you know that about yourself. But that’s entirely separate from getting some experience.

From Ruiz: Have you really let a guy fuck you.

From Alan: It’s not a question of “let.” It’s want.

From Ruiz: And you’ve fucked guys.

From Alan: Part of the fun.

From Ruiz: I never have. Either. It’s been all oral - mouths and hands.

From Alan: I kind of figured. But what about women?

From Ruiz: Yep yep yep.

From Alan: You’ve got to me more specific.

From Ruiz: You’ve got me sweating here. You’ve got me nervous and uncomfortable. This isn’t what I expected. Or fun.

From Alan: But are you hard?

From Ruiz: You’re a asshole.

From Alan: I’m not denying that. But are you hard?

From Ruiz: Of course I am. Sure I am. I almost just came talking about it. Imagining you. Fucking. Being fucked. Fucking me.

From Alan: And you’ve never seen my body. Pretty good imagination.

From Ruiz: Ha. And I mean that ironically.

From Alan: There’s nothing wrong with that – having an imagination. You’ve got to know that all of this is partly a way to keep you naked in front of me. Which – perversely – is a lot of fun.

From Ruiz: What’s all of this.

From Alan: Asking you questions. Probing. Poking. There are all kinds of things you can stick into a guy that aren’t your dick.

From Ruiz: I’m not in front of you. I’m lying on my bed, fully - well almost fully dressed. Black button down shirt, jeans and underwear. The only thing that’s naked are my feet.

From Alan: You are in front of me. I’m good with images. You may think you’re in your bedroom, but in my mind, we’re a that hotel room you’re trying so hard to get me near. And you’re naked.

From Ruiz: I was just telling you for your information.

From Alan: Then slowly unbutton that black button-down shirt of yours and tell me about your first sexual experience with a guy.

From Ruiz: I prefer to remain mysterious about that. But my shirt’s unbuttoned.

From Alan: You’re fast.

From Ruiz: I started as soon as you asked. I’m good at following orders.

From Alan: Cuffs, too?

From Ruiz: No cuffs. The sleeves are rolled.

From Alan: What’s under your black shirt?

From Ruiz: Nothing. My lousy chest. And I think this is the shirt I took off for you, the one I wore to that park.

From Alan: You are being bold, seeing you don’t like to bare your chest. So I won’t ask you to take off the shirt.

From Ruiz: You could tell me.

From Alan: Nah. But open your belt.

From Ruiz: I’m not wearing a belt.

From Alan: Then open your jeans and unzip them.

From Ruiz: I’m not self-conscious when I’m alone in the dark. I could take off my shirt.

From Alan: Maybe that’s not what I want, but it’s good to know. Are your jeans unzipped?

From Ruiz: No.

From Alan: Then unzip them. Did you miss that instruction?

From Ruiz: Ok, done.

From Alan: Slowly slide your jeans halfway down your thighs.

From Ruiz: Done.

From Alan: Are you wearing your torn shorts or a normal pair of briefs?

From Ruiz: Black boxers.

From Alan: Slide them down your thighs to just above your jeans. I hope your room is warm.

From Ruiz: Done.

From Alan: Put the phone down and slowly run your hands from your shoulders down your chest. Lingering on your nipples. Lingering on your belly. Not touching your dick. And ending below that crease on your thighs. Then tickle your inner thighs a bit and write me

From Ruiz: Thinking of your eyes on me. Maybe your hands instead of mine. I’d be watching your eyes and watching your hands to see where they went next.

From Alan: My eyes are on you. And I’m grinning. But they’re your hands, and I’m enjoying watching. What’s a nicely sensitive part between your shoulders and your thighs, discounting your dick and balls?

From Ruiz: My inner thigh as I’ve told you. My underarm.

From Alan: I remembered your inner thighs but forgot under your arms. Does it tickle when you caress yourself in both places?

From Ruiz: Mildly arousing by my own hand.

From Alan: Set your phone down on your belly, cross your wrists, and slowly caress under your arms. Do that for about a minute, then write me.

From Ruiz: Cross my wrists.

From Alan: So your right hand goes under your left arm and the mirror image.

From Ruiz: Alright. My right hand went under my left arm. I felt precome fall into my stomach. My right hand went down and felt it. Then onto my hardon. My leg’s moving. Rubbing it into my head as it comes out of me. Wishing this was all happening elsewhere, with you

From Alan: Stay away from your dick for the time being. I’ll tell you when you can touch it, or even the precome. Just let it pool on your belly.

From Ruiz: Understood.

From Alan: Go back to under your arms and caress them both together. Set the phone on the middle of your chest, so it doesn’t get wet.

From Ruiz: What do you want to know.

From Alan: Just when you’ve spent a minute doing that.

From Ruiz: I have

From Alan: Good. Now, do the same thing on your nipples, wrists still crossed.

From Ruiz: Ok.

From Alan: Spend a minute.

From Ruiz: Done.

From Alan: I don’t know who taught you to tell time. Do it again. Slowly.

From Ruiz: Done.

From Alan: Better. Almost fifty seconds. Now, wrists still crossed, caress your biceps for a minute, not taking off your shirt but pushing up the sleeves.

From Ruiz: Ok, done.

From Alan: Bring your palms together, slightly over the center of your chest. Rub your palms together for a half minute, then put one palm flat on each of your nipples, and slowly move your hands down to your thighs, again avoiding the precome and your dick.

From Ruiz: Ok.

From Alan: Tickle your balls with just your fingertips, using both hands, one from each side, for a minute.

From Ruiz: Done.

From Alan: With whichever hand you prefer, rub your precome into the head of your dick and leave the other hand resting on your balls.

From Ruiz: Ok.

From Alan: Now drive here and lick the precome off my shorts.

From Ruiz: Give me the address.

From Alan: Unfortunately, I’m kidding about that.

From Ruiz: Is there really precome.

From Alan: Why would I joke about my dick? I figured telling you would make you happy.

From Ruiz: It does.

From Alan: Slip out of your shirt.

From Ruiz: Out

From Alan: Slip your jeans down to your ankles

From Ruiz: Down.

From Alan: Slip your shorts down to your knees.

From Ruiz: My shorts went down with my jeans. Do you want them back up.

From Alan: Yes. Bring your shorts back to your knees.

From Ruiz: Done

From Alan: Without touching your dick, slowly caress any part of your body it takes to make your leg start moving again. Then tell me

From Ruiz: My right hand is moving over my torso, down onto my thigh, my inner thigh, my feet are flexing.

From Alan: Does that count as your leg moving, or did it move more before?

From Ruiz: My head is opening up. I imagine asking you in the room “What do you want from me.”

From Alan: I want you to enjoy yourself. The same way I’m enjoying watching you.

From Ruiz: My right leg is moving. My left is still.

From Alan: Are you good enough to get both moving simultaneously?

From Ruiz: Good enough.

From Alan: Practiced enough?

From Ruiz: To move both legs. They sort of move from arousal. It’s not practiced at all.

From Alan: Oh, yes, you are. After all these years of playing with your body, I suspect you’re good and practiced.

From Ruiz: I don’t ever think my way through it.

From Alan: Try to get both legs to move while you’re stroking your body.

From Ruiz: If that’s what you want to see.

From Alan: Yes. Tell me when they’re both moving. Don’t force them if you can’t.

From Ruiz: Can I touch myself again.

From Alan: Yes. You can touch anything but your dick. Though don’t take your shorts completely off yet. Or your jeans.

From Ruiz: Understood. Dunno what to say.

From Alan: You don’t need to talk. Now slip off your jeans. Do it slowly, using both your hands. Don’t just kick them off. And leave your shorts around your knees

From Ruiz: Off.

From Alan: Tickle your balls again. Tell me if it increases your precome

From Ruiz: Hard to tell. It’s pretty steady.

From Alan: Tickle your armpits. See if that increases it.

From Ruiz: Doesn’t seem to.

From Alan: Slip off your shorts, using both hands

From Ruiz: Done.

From Alan: Slowly slip your right thumb in and out of your mouth, treating it as if it were a dick. Do that for a minute.

From Ruiz: Done. Have you ever thought about listening to me.

From Alan: I feel an intense connection with you right now, as if I were with you. But remembering what you said about your needing a connection, I don’t want to make you come. That might cheapen this. That’s what I’m thinking.

From Ruiz: I feel connected.

From Alan: Enough to make yourself come and enjoy it?

From Ruiz: Do you mean right away.

From Alan: No. Whenever you’d like. As slowly as you’d like. You’re probably as aroused as I am.

From Ruiz: Are you going to come.

From Alan: I don’t want to be sitting here, waiting for you to tell me that you’ve come. After you’re finished, I’ll take a shower and let myself come. That won’t be hard.

From Ruiz: Have you considered listening.

From Alan: You’ll have to explain that. I’ll bet you’re pretty quiet.

From Ruiz: You’d call my cell or vice versa. I’ll put you on speaker. I can also stay connected here, on my laptop. You can keep typing and my computer will convert your messages to voice. So I’ll hear.

From Alan: Sounds complicated.

From Ruiz: You can put yourself on mute if you’d rather not be heard.

From Alan: Then how could I hear you?

From Ruiz: If you’re on mute it’s your computer that’s silent. There’s still my breathing on the phone. The possibility of talking. Coming.

From Alan: They’ll be nothing for you to listen to with me. First, I’m always silent – years of having kids in the house. Second, I’ll wait till I’m in the shower.

From Ruiz: If you’re self-conscious.

From Alan: No. It’s another learned discipline.

From Ruiz: I’m never inauthentic. You’ll be hearing me.

From Alan: Just send me your number. I’m not self-conscious. I’d just rather slowly come in the shower than sitting at my desk.

From Ruiz: Will you be able to continue typing. The phone should be able to rest on the table or desk beside your computer.

From Alan: I’ll hold the phone and type with one hand. That way there’ll be no strange voices coming out of my office.

From Ruiz: Perfect, tell me when ready.

From Alan: Ready.

From Ruiz: The number’s 319-555-1212. After I answer, I’ll be quiet a bit, getting things connected. Also I have my bottle of lube.

From Alan: OK.

[He dials.]

(continued)