The Married Rat - 5. Chapter 5

7

From Alan: You’re building up a lot of pressure which is being released in your fantasies. Maybe you’ve always done this. Maybe that’s the way you enjoy sex best. But you might try another way – actual participation. Or at least being used as a sexual object.

From Ruiz: I think there’s a consistent disconnect here that’s weighing on me. I mention how seriously I take all of this, then you mention “trying another way.” After I’ve just transcribed a fantasy into thousands of words.

From Alan: I was worried that you’d scared yourself. You made yourself pretty vulnerable in that last fantasy, especially since you want to act on it.

From Ruiz: Something’s amiss.

From Alan: What do you mean?

From Ruiz: There’s a disconnect between the act of what I’m writing/revealing and how it’s being received, which is less intensely than seems appropriate.

From Alan: As I said, you’ve made yourself amazingly vulnerable. You’ve increasingly done that, and I’m steadily astonished.

From Ruiz: I just want more of a sense that you’re getting the unprecedented nature of it. And the fact that you alone are getting it. What are one or two of the most intense moments for you.

From Alan: How exposed you’ve left yourself. Your level of intensity and exposure is what I find most involving.

From Ruiz: Intensity and exposure in what way.

From Alan: You’ve stripped yourself. Tied yourself up. Given me the key to your sexuality and the freedom to use it. Do you know what that would mean to thousands of guys on this site? Fuck first and don’t even think of asking questions. Just leave the guy naked and abused.

From Ruiz: I see. What do you define as the key.

From Alan: You’ve left yourself completely undefended, and it’s great fun to watch. You’re naked in every way, but you may need a brute to take you to the next level. I’m not that guy. Still, now that you know what you want, you won’t have to explain it. Shortcut all that and let him have at you. Because the next step is the hotel room – acting on what you’ve written. And if you were unnecessarily afraid of the first imaginary meeting, if I were the right/wrong kind of guy, you’d be very right to be afraid now.

From Ruiz: I’ve thought about that.

From Alan: About being afraid? Or about wanting to be afraid? Hoping you’d somehow get me into a hotel room, and I’d disregard your outline and use you in any way I pleased. And that you’d be secretly happy?

From Ruiz: Does this all appeal or feel tame to you.

From Alan: Nothing you imagine is tame. Especially considering the risk you’re putting yourself at.

From Ruiz: You can get inside my perspective then - that I’m looking forward to the intensity of the room. Of being watched without knowing.

From Alan: Yes.

From Ruiz: I can ease into that reality and get pretty lost. The idea that I wouldn’t be able to see myself precoming. That I wouldn’t be seeing what you’re watching. What my body is doing from arousal. That’s so erotic.

From Alan: I know.

From Ruiz: Feeling the wetness dripping onto my stomach. Knowing you’re watching it. Blinded and waiting for your touch.

Just waiting.

8

From Ruiz: I just had a random thought that will either spook you or arouse you.

From Alan: Spook me. I couldn’t get more aroused.

From Ruiz: Me, in my car, passing or parking near your home. Just a thought. You’d just stand at your window watching. Does that appeal to you.

From Alan: A hotel room appeals more, but I’m not going to let that happen. And I’m not sure how far you want to go with this. I don’t want it to end badly.

From Ruiz: I’ll compromise on you watching from your window.

From Alan: There’s safer possibility. I need to walk the dog.

From Ruiz: I didn’t know you had a dog.

From Alan: Yep, goes with the wife, daughters, and two-car garage.

From Ruiz: So the suburban street scenario with you there with your dog and I drive by. Won’t your neighbors know.

From Alan: Nothing’s so invisible as a middle-class dad routinely walking the family dog late at night.

From Ruiz: Could I park as you walk by. Can I stop to ask directions and my jeans are open and my shorts ripped.

From Alan: Are you’re serious? You’re trying to get arrested. Besides, it’s almost midnight. I need to be asleep in five minutes.

From Ruiz: I really want this to happen and you suggested it. Now you’ve got me wet.

From Alan: You can’t get arrested for that.

From Ruiz: I can be anywhere in the city in 15 minutes especially at this hour.

From Alan: 74th and White Ivy?

From Ruiz: 10 minutes.

What I can imagine is total silence.

I really wouldn’t wanna talk.

But I might be inclined to get out of my car and stand across the street.

Not sure whether that would cause your dog to bark.

I could imagine maybe taking off my shoes and socks.

Unbuttoning my shirt.

But again any language would be unhelpful.

Not sure how quiet or trafficked your neighborhood streets are.

The inability to text each other from across the street is a hindrance.

From Alan: I’d just be taking the dog for a walk. I’m not stopping. Anything you do is on your own.

From Ruiz: Agreed.

Will this be secluded.

From Alan: It’s a suburban street. But it’s fairly dark.

From Ruiz: Why don’t you find a dark spot and direct me to it.

From Alan: No. I’ll walk to that intersection, and that’s it. I’ll be on the north side. Now get in your car.

From Ruiz: I’m already driving. This is voice to text. Is it clear.

From Alan: I couldn’t tell the difference.

From Ruiz: I use it some of the time.

I’m 8 minutes away. Are you still home.

From Alan: Yes. I’ll get the dog.

From Ruiz: What street are you coming up.

From Alan: White Ivy.

From Ruiz: You’re sure this’ll be dark and no one will see.

From Alan: I’m usually the last one to sleep in the neighborhood. When I walk the dog, all the houses are dark.

From Ruiz: Good.

Go.

Keep your phone on.

Do you have text to voice.

Can you hear me.

Guess not.

[5 minutes later]

From Ruiz: I’m there.

I’m sitting on a darkened street.

There’s a place with some trees.

It looks secluded.

Is it a park.

This is dark and absolutely perfect.

If you want I’ll walk and find you.

I’ll walk down White Ivy.

From Alan: No.

From Ruiz: So you can hear me.

From Alan: I can read your messages.

From Ruiz: That park is empty.

I can see you and the dog now.

There’s a low brick wall.

There’s a SUV in front of it.

The park is just east of where I turned in.

I’m going into the wooded area.

Do you see the dark trees.

I’ll meet you all the way back there.

From Alan: I’m not leaving the sidewalk. I’ll pause long enough to let the dog piss. Then I’ll turn back.

From Ruiz: The park’s just south of where I’ve parked.

It’s not really a park. It’s a - I don’t know.

From Alan. It’s the entrance to the community.

From Ruiz: Ok.

Thanks.

Feeling super skittish so short replies are better.

You’re here.

So we’re both real.

From Alan: Yes. Of course. I can’t see you at all.

From Ruiz: Where do you want me to go. Into the light.

From Alan: Stay right where you are.

From Ruiz: I can move to where you can see me better.

From Alan: No.

From Ruiz: Maybe coming out here was sufficient.

You’re right.

This feels exposed.

How is all this for you.

Am I what you expected.

From Alan: I said I can barely see you. It’s probably more important that you’re here.

From Ruiz: I thought coming out needed to happen as a show of good faith.

The distance is comforting though.

I’m going to take off my shoes.

And socks.

Okay they’re off and you’re still there.

Good.

I’m going to open my shirt.

All the way.

My chest is junk so I’ll just unbutton it.

Done.

I’m going to open my jeans and drop them to my knees.

I’m wearing the torn briefs.

I hope this area is secure.

Done.

Now I’m gonna drop my briefs and pull back my shirt.

So you can see my hardon.

Then I’ll get dressed.

Ok.

I did it and you’re still here.

Hope you’re not disappointed.

Now I’m gonna get dressed.

Then I’d like to cross the street

Walk over to you

Shake your hand

Say goodnight.

And go home.

Walk down the block a bit and then come back.

Give me time to get dressed.

[Alan leaves. When he returns, Ruiz, fully dressed, walks across the street, and they shake hands.]

Ruiz: Ruiz.

Alan: Alan.

[They glance at each other.]

Alan: Good night.

[He goes.]

[5 minutes later.]

From Alan: That was terrific. I never thought you’d do any of it, starting with the drive.

From Ruiz: Almost home and can write more easily then.

From Alan: No. I need to be in bed. We’ll catch up tomorrow. Again, ‘night.

From Ruiz: I’ll be curious as to any/all thoughts.

Thank you for that.

I know you didn’t want to.

You were a perfect gentleman.

That was very arousing.

Very.

I have to say you shook me up in the best way.

Thank you.