Ralph: Breaking free - 31. Showing it and Christmas plans

Monday, Ralph had four different updates about the Iverson’s launch, either from Morrie or from his PR people via Beth, each one detailing people picking up on the story. Mostly publications were interested in the new products, thank God. Ralph tried to forget about it, after all, what could they print? The answer was ‘a lot’. The local rag, just about holding onto its existence as a weekly print paper, The Parborough and Huntsford Chronicle, came out on Wednesdays but advanced copies appeared in the town centre on Tuesday evening, along with the release of the online version.

Late on Tuesday, Nolan appeared back home with a pair of copies of the paper. Iverson’s launch featured in a big centre-page spread. In colour. Yes, images of the product lines, generally the more discreet photographs, plus a huge collage of ‘Local businessmen going an extra mile’. Russ Kahn’s was the biggest image, but Ralph was there along with Morrie and a couple of others, no Nolan, however. Someone had had great fun arranging the images so that the head of one person obscured the crotch of another. Cleverly done but it made some of them, including Ralph, look as if they were really bollock naked in the picture. Nolan had a big smile on his face as he pointed to a note at the bottom. The paper had created an on-line gallery of uncensored images.

“Great. So, everyone will see them.”

Nolan stared at him, “You can do one of two things. Hide and pretend it’s not happening or own it.”

“Own it!”

“I seem to remember…”

“Yeah”, Ralph sighed.

“Sorry”, Nolan took his hands, “You can back up, we can back up. Do a bit of firefighting and hide till the fuss dies down.” He kissed Ralph.

“Will it? Die down.”

“For sure. There’s always something new.”

“But…”

“And honestly, sweetie, you’re not that famous.”

Ralph thought about it, then nodded, “But Russ Kahn is.”

“I wonder how he’s enjoying the exposure”, Nolan gave a wicked smile. “So, it’s up to you. There’s no ‘got to’, right?”

Their conversation was interrupted by the phone, the landline in the house. Nolan walked away to give Ralph privacy, but not before he heard a piercing voice on the other end ‘Ralph, how could you do something so…’. Despite trying not to, Nolan caught fragments of the conversation, with Ralph mainly temporising until he seemed to lose patience.

“Mother, I did it as a favour to a friend, to help his business, and it wasn’t just me, there were plenty of other local businessmen. I did it because I am an adult, and I wanted to. I am not living my life to make you happy or your friends at the Golf Club.”

When Ralph put the phone down, he burst into nervous laughter and Nolan gave him a hug.

“I take it your parents are not happy?”

“I did it deliberately, evidently, to offend their friends at the Golf Club.”

Nolan sighed, “Really? What about helping out a friend, along with all the other local businessmen.”

Ralph rolled his eyes, “Sorry, you don’t understand. It’s about them. It’s always about them, my point of view barely counts.”

“So…”

“That’s decided me. Own it, honey!”

“Which means?”

“I need to phone Therese.”

“Now?”

Ralph wrinkled his nose, “Not ideal, but I’d rather let her know in case she sees an early copy or if one of her friends sends her the link.”

She answered almost immediately.

“Have you seen this week’s Chronicle?”

>Not yet. Why? Is it important?

Ralph sighed, “There’s a double page spread on Iverson’s new collection.”

>With photos?

“And an online uncensored gallery. Oh, and they’ve got images of me, Morrie, Russ Kahn and others, the way they’re placed they…”

But she’d clearly found it online.

>Hell. You look naked. For God’s sake, Ralph!

“It’s a bit more out there than I expected.”

>Yes! So, I’ve got to explain to the girls why their Father is naked in the newspaper.

“They like Morrie and were chatting to him happily at the weekend.”

>So, I gather. Ice cream and the Christmas shop.

She didn’t mention mermen’s willies, which was something.

“The photos are to help his business. And you said…”

She sighed.

>I know. A rod for my own back. I should have let you talk about it. OK. I’ll do it. Look, send me a selection of photos.

“The full ones.”

>Yes. Try to send just ones where the garment does look like a swimming costume. Bloody hell!

“What?”

>I was just browsing the gallery. The one of Nolan wearing trunks with cutouts. That’s positively pornographic. What happens when he moves?

“Amazingly, his bits stayed in place. They all did, at least at our photo shoot, no-one had any accidents. Mind…

>What?

Ralph sniggered, “At the launch, there were a couple of models in mesh numbers that hid nothing.”

>Please tell me you didn’t.

“Don’t worry, I’m not that stupid. It was all relatively discreet.”

>Relatively.

“Sorry.”

>No. it’s OK. On the one hand I’m pleased that you’re getting out there and being more confident.

“On the other?”

>We have to explain it to Jane and Alisa.

“They’ll cope. Nolan says that they might want their own photos.”

>Wearing very little. I can just imagine what would happen then. No thank you.

“Thanks.”

>Have you spoken to your parents.

“Mmm.”

>Doesn’t sound good.

“Mother phoned. At length.”

>Don’t tell me. It’s all your fault for upsetting them.

“Something like that.”

>What did you say.

“Eventually, when I could get a word in, I said that I was a big boy and that had wanted to help a friend.”

>A friend?

“Yes. I think Morrie is a friend. Saturday’s trip was a sort of ‘cheer Morrie up’ event.”

>Work problems?

“Relationship.”

Therese laughed.

>Sorry. It’s the idea of you as relationship counsellor.

“Don’t worry. I was just a friendly ear to listen. Well, we both were.

---

Ralph spent most of Wednesday and Thursday morning on tenterhooks in case Therese contacted him about the twins’ reaction to the photographs. But there was nothing. No news is good news, right?

The bright light on the horizon was Beth and Ivor’s reaction at work. Beth had put copies of photos of Ivor and Ralph on the notice board that stood by the door to the kitchen area, but she’d added one of herself, wearing a swimming costume and coming out of a pool, dripping wet and leaving little to the imagination.

“Carine took it. It was at a charity triathlon that I did the other year. I had no idea she was taking it and frankly, it’s strictly limited circulation.”

The three grinned, and Ralph was able to put that out of his mind. Thursday lunch time, he met Therese as usual, and it was nowhere near as bad as he’d expected.

“How did the photographs go down?”

Therese rolled her eyes, “Like a bomb. They think you’re cool.”

“Well, that’s something.”

“And want to take them to school to show people.”

Ralph stared, “You didn’t…”

Therese pulled a face, “I might be pissed off with you, but I’m not completely demented. No, I ruled that out firmly. Showing semi-naked pictures of Daddy at school was not right.” She sighed, “So we had to have another version of The Talk.”

The Talk was their code for their ongoing navigation of the perils of preparing their daughters for the fraught world of sexual predators and other burning topics, whilst keeping things age appropriate.

“And Nolan was right.”

“About what?”

“They did want a photograph taken. I said we’d do something next year when we get to the seaside.”

“Poor you.”

Therese laughed, “Who said it was me taking them!”

“Fair enough. And thanks.”

“I can hardly say ‘my pleasure’ can I? And Ralph…”

“Yes.”

“Next time, can we talk about it first? I’m not against you spreading your wings, but if we have to have awkward conversations with the girls, then it’s as well to be prepared.”

“Fair enough.”

“There is one more thing”, Therese looked at him carefully and he wondered what she was going to lumber him with now, what extra part of the twins’ life needed adjustment. “What are your plans for Christmas and the holidays?”

Therese looked demure and elegant, but she could do that whilst also skewering you. Now Ralph knew why she’d gone so easy on him over the pictures. Christmas!

Last year had been a bit of a nightmare as they’d found themselves going to and fro between Ralph and Therese’s houses and their respective parents. Afterwards Ralph had vowed never again, and Therese had agreed with him. But now?

She eyed him carefully, looked down at her nails (elegant as ever) and then back up, “I thought we ought to work out what we were doing.”

Ralph shrugged, “I’ve no plans, as such. We’ve talked about using the time to move the office to the new space, after all we’re usually quiet between Christmas and New Year.”

“Is the new office actually happening?”

“Yeah. They are just sorting out the lease and stuff. I sent Beth and Ivor over and they agree that it’s in a decent state, so we could move in. After all, it might only be for a short period.”

“Till you find something better?”

“That’s it. So, anyroad, they don’t need me for that. Which means no plans.” He grinned.

“What about Nolan?”

“Well, I suppose he’ll go to his parents, they are still reasonably close.”

“And you?”

“Hell, you’ve got to be joking. I think that bridge has well and truly burned. What’s brought this on?”

“A couple of things. Neither cast in stone. Barb has plans.”

“Oh, yes?”

“Well, she’s booked an Air BnB in Northumberland for a few days between Christmas and New Year. Go up after Christmas and stay till New Year’s Day.”

“Nice?”

“I’d said no. It seemed too complicated, but Frankie and her boyfriend have had to dropped out. Family problems. And so, I could go along.”

“If I had the twins. For how long?”

“Well, I’d leave on the 28th of December and get back on New Year’s Day.”

“You got the holiday?”

She gave a very unladylike snort, “When did I last use holiday except to look after the twins, and mostly that’s been time off in lieu. So, yes, I do. And I thought, before Christmas, I’d take some time off too, do things with them that I don’t normally.”

Ralph nodded. “Yes. No problem. I’m sure we’ll find things to do and won’t go stir crazy.”

“Oh, good.”

“You said two things?”

“Mmm. Mum wants to host Christmas.”

“Your Mum? But isn’t their new flat too small, and will your Dad cope?”

Therese’s parents were significantly older than Ralph’s and they had moved into a cottage in a retirement complex so that Therese’s Mother had some support whilst looking after Therese’s Father, who was not entirely well. It had been a halfway-house compromise between independence, with Therese constantly on tenterhooks and having to drop everything and go over there to sort them out, and fully cared for, which neither parent wanted.

“Their place is tiny, but the complex has guest rooms and as they are new, they get first dibs. So”, Therese gave a resigned shrug, “Mum has reserved a couple of rooms, so that I could go down with the twins.”

“For Christmas Day?”

“And Christmas Eve, and Boxing Day.”

Ralph sniggered, “Rather you than me. And presumably you’ll be cooking?”

Therese rolled her eyes and smiled, “You’ve guessed it. In Mum’s tiny kitchen. So, what about it?”

“Seems fair enough. We could have a pre-Christmas thing at my place.”

“With Nolan?”

“Probably, not sure how his work schedule is, that close to Christmas. Then you three go off and leave me to peace and quiet.” He nodded, “That works. Do you want a batch of spicy lentils?”

“What?”

“Well, the girls aren’t going to be eating turkey, are they? And I seem to remember that the ersatz turkey cutlets last year did not go down well.”

Therese gave a dry laugh, “Don’t. That was horrible. I won’t try those again. I hadn’t really thought that far.” She paused, “You know, a batch of the lentil thing would be terrific.”

“Great. That seems fair. I will chat to Nolan, and you look at your work diary and we can firm things up. Also, we need to manage expectations.”

“As in?”

“Well, if I see them before Christmas, they’ll get their presents early and…”

She rolled her eyes, “Eager hands.”

“Precisely.”

---

“How was Therese?”

Ralph was cooking, experimenting with a new recipe from Carine involving braising tofu in spices, and Nolan had just come in and commented on it smelling good, which was a start, at least.

“Well, she didn’t give me hell over the newspaper article, thank God.”

“Why not?” Nolan’s eyebrows raised; Ralph had been sure that she would have been angry.

“She wanted something. She has plans for Christmas.”

“With or without the girls?”

“Both. Have you any plans?”

Nolan shrugged, “Verne’s keen to work as she wants to take time off later to go to South America, for some reason, with Richie, and we have enough cover. Things tend to die down, so I could take time off. I usually go and visit Mum and Dad, but that’s flexible.”

“You mean no compulsory Christmas Day?”

“Hardly. Mum’s usually still busy with the beasts. I take it you are not doing Christmas with yours this year.”

Ralph laughed, “Can you imagine? I don’t think so. Therese wants to take the girls to her Mum and Dad’s for a few days, the complex where they live now has guest apartments.”

“So, you’d be free over Christmas?”

“Yes, but then I’d have them from the 28th to New Year’s Day whilst Therese goes off with friends.”

Nolan’s eyebrows shot up again, “Indeed. A man?”

“As if. No, girlfriends from Uni. Means I’d have the girls for a fair chunk of time.”

“That’ll keep you occupied. But you’ll be alone over Christmas?”

“Yep. Will be interesting. Never done that before.”

“Do you want company.”

Ralph started. “What about your parents?”

Nolan shrugged, “If I turned up on the 27th or 28th it would be fine. As long as they see me during the Christmas period.”

Ralph smiled, “Then that’s a firm yes. We could have a few days together.”

“Working out what it’s like living together without worrying about work or your daughters.”

“Bliss.”

“Thing is. Would you like to come to the farm?”

“Your parent’s farm? Over Christmas?”

“No. I wouldn’t lumber you with that. I meant with the girls, for a few days. Whilst Therese was away.”

“What about your parents?”

“Well, they can be a bit overwhelming, but I figured…”

“The girls might keep them busy. Do they like kids?”

“As it happens, yeah. And the farm’s small enough to be safe, just a few beasts, no large-scale machinery.”

“Are you OK with this? Taking me home to visit your parents?”

“More to the point, are you? I’d sort of thought of it earlier, but then worried you might freak out, too much too soon. And the whole visiting the parents, thing. “

“I think I’m OK. Deciding that I’m not going to do Christmas on my parents’ terms anymore helps, and the girls will be pleased too.”

“About visiting the farm?”

“That probably, but they’ll be overjoyed that they don’t have to sit nicely through Christmas Day at my parents and wait until tea to open their presents. Which they usually find disappointing anyway.”

Nolan laughed, “You make the organised chaos at the farm sound bliss. By the way, Mum and Dad are firmly carnivore, so we’d need to be imaginative about feeding the girls.”

“Well, I’ve already said to Therese that I’ll cook a batch of the lentil thing for her to take to her parents.”

Nolan laughed again, “I think the idea of spending the Christmas holiday cooking veggie dishes for your daughters is completely delightful.”

The two laughed and kissed. It went on too long and suddenly Ralph was dashing over to the stove where dinner was burning. But it didn’t matter, they laughed anyway.

---

“Looking good, T.” Barb laughed, “See what you’re missing out on.”

Therese gave more of a snort than a laugh, “What, my gay ex-husband! I don’t think so. And his queer friends.”

The three women were looking at the Chronicle’s uncensored online version of the photographs of the local businessmen wearing Iverson’s gear.

“Well, I say this for him, the boyfriend’s cute. Fit little number.”

“Comes with running a fitness place.”

“They’ve opened up at PPF, some of their classes look interesting.”

“Another of Russ Kahn’s enterprises. All part of the Parborough queer mafia.” Barb gave a sarcastic huff.

Dee pulled a face, then brightly turned to Therese, “And what do the girls think of the pictures?”

Therese looked annoyed, “That Daddy looks real cool and it nice of him to help out a friend’s business, and could they have some pictures taken like that.”

“You told them, girl. Thought you were going to keep it quiet?”

Therese pointed to the images, “My bloody ex-husband put paid to that.” She sighed, “It’s my own bloody fault, when he first mentioned it, I should have said no way.”

“There are worse things, T.”

“That’s what I tell myself.”

“Why didn’t you get him to deal with the girls?”

“Because the stupid arse never thought about the publicity the photos would generate. We had to fire-fight after the newspaper was actually published."

"So, you give him hell?"

Therese sighed, "No!"

Two pairs of eyes turned to her, "Girl!"

"I know. But the stupid arse is happier than he's ever been. He's even sent a picture of himself and the boyfriend to his parents."

"No. Wearing this stuff."

Therese cackled, "Even less. He and the boyfriend had some pictures taken letting it all hang out."

The two women laughed, "And he sent one to the parents?"

"He assures me that they weren't showing anything."

"Bet his parents had something to say about that."

"I've no idea what he'll come up with next and I still wish he'd be normal, but..." Therese shrugged, "There's something about the new Ralph. Besides..."

"What now?"

"I couldn't be too shitty, as I needed something from him."

"Come on, Therese."

"It's how it works. The two of us negotiating each week. About the girls. So", she gave a smile, "he's got the girls for a week after Christmas and I'm coming with you lot."

"Therese, that's great news."

"Way to go, girl."