Ralph: Breaking free - 30. Mermen’s willies and a Christmas shop

Plans for Saturday were put into disarray by a message from Morrie, late on Friday. Because the weather was going to be fine tomorrow, he’d decided to give the Old Lady a run. Would Ralph and the twins like to join him?

There’d be no room in the car for Nolan, but he’d be busy and commented that he could come home and cook for them in peace. This was said with a grin and Ralph had a quiet panic about how easily domestic they were becoming.

So, after an early lunch, the twins dressed in their best dungarees and stood in the window, waiting for the Old Lady to arrive. They had wanted to wait outside, but they were ready ridiculously early – for once, dressing had not taken an age. So, the window was a compromise.

After all the excitements of the launch, Ralph had assumed that Morrie would want a bit of peace and quiet. Not a bit, it seemed he was feeling restless. Ralph worried that there might be further incidents of wandering hands syndrome. The worry was there at the back of his mind, but a walk with the twins with everyone wrapped up against the cold was hardly the temptation that a naked bum was, surely.

Morrie arrived early, amazingly, and the twins were delighted to see him again, and seemingly, the car. Morrie’s classic Alfa Romeo sports car evidently had tickled something in them. The initial conversation, if you could call it that, was about the car and then questions about where they were going.

“We’re going somewhere near to Sandham.”

“You remember Sandham, girls? We met Mummy there for an ice cream and walked along the river.”

“Are we going for ice cream?”

“Will we see the old bridge?” Ralph had no idea why the old packhorse bridge had made such an impression on them.

Morrie laughed, “Perhaps. We’re going to Sandham House, but it’s going to be a surprise.”

The girls settled down, eventually, and the journey out, by backways rather than directly along the A1, was a mixture of fielding the girls’ questions about what they could see from the car along with a bit of quiet conversation between Ralph and Morrie.

Morrie’s excuse for the trip was that he’d had to take the car back into the garage because she had developed a worrying noise. The trip today was to make sure that things were back to normal; he had to give the car a good run to be certain the noise had been cured.

“Wouldn’t you have preferred to go on Sunday?”

“I imagined you might be busy, and I thought it would be nice to take the girls out. That’s OK, isn’t it?”

Ralph nodded, “It makes a nice treat. I’m not sure I’ve ever been to Sandham House.”

Morrie was surprised, “Oh, it used to be a regular outing for Felix and I.”

“Your ex.”

“Mmm.”

Ralph wanted to ask more but this wasn’t the moment, what with four little ears flapping.

“Is the house old?” Suddenly that had the twins’ attention again.

“It is old, but we can’t go inside, I’m afraid.”

“Oh! Why not?”

“Girls!”

Morrie laughed, “It’s OK. At this time of year, the house gets a rest. It is very old, after all.”

“Like Nerice’s Granny having to have a rest after lunch.”

“That’s it. And who is Nerice?”

Which meant wandering into a long explanation about who their friend Nerice was, and that fact that her name meant sea nymph.

Sandham House’s car park was near the stables and then they had to walk through the grounds towards the house. It wasn’t busy, but there were people walking dogs and, like them, giving children a run. The formal gardens, behind the house, were closed for the season but there was plenty to see elsewhere. The girls seemed to have developed an excess of energy, running ahead to explore the over-the-top Victorian statuary, arranged in a formal layout in front of the house.

“You’ve genuinely never been here?” Morrie shook his head.

“Country house visiting was never high on my parents’ list, and when the girls were young it was too complicated.”

“I can understand that.”

“But Therese prefers wandering around towns, popping into shops, exploring galleries and churches. Things in small doses.”

Morrie laughed, “With plenty of toilet stops.”

“Sounds like you have experience of young children.”

“Only through friends. And I wasn’t originally much into country houses, but Felix enjoys it and we’ve been here a lot.”

“And how is Felix?”

Morrie grimaced, “Still very much history, alas. We’ve been trying to get things back together, but…” He petered out.

“Too much ground to cover between you?”

“Something like that. He doesn’t see that…” He came to a halt. “Sorry, sore point. I’d promised myself I’d not get wound up.”

“It’s OK.”

“I thought that coming out with you and the girls…”

There was a pause, and Ralph decided that he needed to bite the bullet. He couldn’t risk another event where he worried that he was giving Morrie the wrong idea.

“Morrie, look whilst the girls are out of earshot, I wanted to check something. Nolan and I were worried that we were giving you the wrong idea, that you might think we were in the market…” Morrie was staring at him, and Ralph dried up, bloody hell, this was complicated.

Then Morrie came to an abrupt halt. “Guilty as charged. Sorry, I’d been wondering. After the canal trip, I thought perhaps a little fun might be possible. I got a bit carried away at the photoshoot.”

“Nolan’s naked bum.”

Morrie went bright red, “Yes, I’ve always had a weakness for cute redheads. But”, he shrugged, “well Nolan’s response made it clear I wasn’t welcome. I’d been going to say something, but you’re right, it’s bloody difficult and I shouldn’t have put you in this position.”

“Blame my inexperience with blokes. After the canal trip, Nolan was a bit jittery, but I hadn’t the slightest idea what was intended.”

“I’ve never been exactly a one-man person and I’ve no idea whether Felix and I could ever make that sort of thing work.” Ralph made to say something, but Morrie ploughed on, “But I recognise when people are monogamous, and I shouldn’t have allowed my being unsettled because of Felix to make me jump to conclusions and get handsy and more.”

“It’s OK, and far better to clear the air.”

Morrie grinned, incorrigible as ever, “But I will say, Nolan has a seriously cute bum and if the two of you ever fancy…”

Perhaps luckily, there was a shout from the twins for Daddy to come and see. Jane and Alisa were exploring a pair of impressive Victorian fountains, thankfully now dry, which sat at the centre of the front garden. Ralph felt sorry for Morrie, not so much for the break-up but because the guy seemed at a loss who to turn to. The idea of relying on someone who was a business contact, no matter how friendly they were, seemed to be rather sad and desperate. That Morrie needed to make passes people at he knew through business and seemed to make such a mess of even that. He would have to speak to Nolan and see whether they could do more with Morrie without risking any further embarrassment.

As the girls shouted for them to come and see what they’d found, Ralph reflected that the twins certainly kept things moving. What they’d discovered were sculptures of cute frogs and fishes, plus mermen with conches and rather prominent genitalia. Ralph caught Morrie grinning as Ralph explained how men needed to be naked to be in the sea, though he cursed the original sculptor who had created the mermen’s genitals, both for their substantial size and loving detail. He decided that the girls were still too young to take in the concept of the fountain being saucy though he did note their fascination with men’s bits.

“We’re going over there, girls.” Morrie point to a classical building on the far side of the house. With that, they were off.

“The house is Jacobean, but much reworked in the 18th century, when the garden was developed. There’s usually tea in the orangery.”

“And ice cream?”

“I’d imagine.”

Ralph grinned at Morrie, “You’ll be in the doghouse otherwise.”

“The Christmas shop might be open too.”

“Don’t. It’s far too early.”

Morrie laughed, “Not that early, I’m afraid.”

“What are you doing afterwards?”

“After. This evening, you mean?”

“Yes. Would you like to dine with us? Nolan’s cooking, so, we’ll probably feed the girls first, then have a more relaxed meal when they go upstairs.”

Morrie stared at him, “But…”

Ralph shrugged, “It’ll only be a casual family dinner. Nothing special, though the girls will be tickled. And Nolan’s a better cook than I. Unless you have other plans.”

“That’s very friendly of you.”

Ralph smiled, “What friends are for. Help cheer you up.” Then he laughed, “Though I’m not sure whether a family dinner with that pair will do any good.”

The girls had run back again, complaining that Daddy and Morrie were being too slow and recount everything that they had seen. Thankfully there were no more saucy fountains, and what statues where were, were decently draped. This part of the garden was all winding paths through green lawn edged with elegant shrubs, and the statues reflected a more elegant 18th-century taste, with the handsome Orangery at the centre of the layout.

The girls dutifully waited outside, though jigging about with excitement. The main feature of the Orangery was the Christmas Shop, which was open, but at one end there was a little café area. Morrie explained that in the Summer, the whole place including outside was given over to a café with waitresses and elaborate afternoon teas. Unfortunately, he described this in loving detail in earshot of the girls, and Ralph just knew that a trip next year was going to be an essential. Perhaps he should mention it to Therese as a way for the girls to return hospitality, taking their friends for tea.

He looked down at them, “So, what is it to be? Café first or Christmas shop.”

“Can we do both?”

“Can we have an ice cream in the shop?”

Morrie laughed and Ralph sighed, “No ice cream in the shop. We go to the café then the shop, or the other way round.”

Jane was thoughtful but Alisa had more questions, “Can we spend money in the shop.”

Ralph nodded, “If you see presents for people. You are not allowed just to spend money on silly things.”

“Do you have our money?”

He smiled, “Yes, I have it.” In fact, a note in his wallet of their current ‘saving for a rainy day’ fund.

“Café first, please.” Two beaming faces.

“And it’s an ice cream or a cake, not both. Right.”

“Right!” They were looking dutiful, but then caught sight of the array of ice creams on offer.

The girls took an age to decide, and each ended up with a most indigestible-looking pairing of colours, Jane with virulent blue and bubble-gum pink, Alisa with a rather hideous deep taupe colour and what could only be described as shit brown.

At the same time, Morrie organised tea and cake for the two of them. Then he leaned over quietly and said yes, he would accept and was touched by the invitation to share a family meal. Ralph’s instinct was to bat the comment away, but Morrie continued, he’d drop them off and then take the Old Lady back to her garage before returning.

The girls were delighted, even though Ralph insisted they would eat early. Nolan, when messaged, was less thrilled. Ralph managed to catch him between appointments, and he’d already done some of the shopping for the evening. Ralph had stepped away from the table so he could talk to Nolan properly and so was able to explain that Morrie had seemed a bit low because of the ongoing Felix-situation and Ralph had wanted to try and cheer him up.

Nolan had, thankfully, laughed at this, the idea of a meal with them cheering the man up, driving him demented more like. Ralph reflected that it was the perils of living en famille, he couldn’t act as spontaneously as he might on his own. He also made it clear that he and Morrie had had a frank discussion about hands and bums, and Ralph’s circumlocutions even amused Nolan, which was something.

When he got back to the table, Morrie seemed to be in the middle of convoluted explanation of why it was called and orangery, and why there weren’t any orange trees there now.

The Christmas Shop was a great success too, both girls delighted in exploring every single item, though Ralph was pleased to be able to insist that they would have a tree at Mummy’s house and so could buy decorations with her. With ineffable logic, the twins insisted that Ralph would have a tree too.

Morrie, standing safely at a distance, had smiled, and rolled his eyes at this. Ralph found himself agreeing that they would go out looking for a tree for the house, and he shelled out for a ludicrously expensive fairy to go at the top of the, as yet, non-existent tree.

Thankfully, there was a section full of relatively inexpensive things and the girls were able to satisfy their acquisitive desires with trinkets for presents for friends. This, of course, brought out the competitive element and there were threats of tantrums each time one girl found something the other decided she wanted too. Thankfully, Ralph was able to tamp this down and all remained relatively calm. Ralph steered them away from unsuitable presents for Mummy, but that was another thing for the list, shopping for Mummy, but not before Ralph had checked with Therese what actually might be suitable. He certainly wasn’t going to second guess that.

Driving back, the twins were delighted, the ice cream, the Christmas Shop, plus plenty of giggling about the mermen’s willies. Ralph just hoped the excitement about these had died down before Monday, otherwise Therese would be less than pleased.

Ralph took advantage of the time to start a proper list on his phone. The twins were of an age which made Christmas fraught, and then there was the added matter of a present for Nolan. At least this year, there was no question of having to endure his parents. Then he started giggling; Morrie stared at him. Ralph mouthed ‘tell you later’. Ralph had no idea where it came from, but thoughts of his parents suddenly brought to mind sending them a Christmas card from him and Nolan featuring their naked photo. That would go down well!

---

“What?”

Nolan was tidying up the kitchen, whilst Jane and Alisa were upstairs getting changed and Ralph was sitting, bringing Nolan up to date. They’d already covered the Morrie issue, and Nolan had agreed, rather warily, that Morrie was as much sad as dangerous, yet neither man felt comfortable getting too close. Ralph wanted to lighten the atmosphere a bit.

“Use one of Edward Hirsch’s photos of us as a Christmas card.”

Nolan shook his head, amusedly, “As a general card, or to particular people?”

“I was thinking of my parents.”

At that Nolan laughed, “Well, rather you than me. That sounds like going beyond being adult and into something a bit more”, he waggled his head, “piss-taking.”

Ralph sighed, “Yes, you’re right, it is a bit childish.”

“Besides…”

“What?”

“Your daughters. If you send the card to anyone, they might see it and you’d have to explain.”

“Well, Therese said…”

“I know that”, Nolan grinned, “but do you actually want to explain to them why we are both naked in the photo. And come up with coherent reasons why they can’t have a naked photo too.”

“Shit. You reckon?”

“Well, I don’t know your daughters that well, but I could certainly imagine something like that.”

Ralph snorted, “You could well be right. Fair enough.”

Then the girls came noisily downstairs, and it was time to be en famille again.

Morrie arrived just as the girls were finishing their meal, which meant that they were able to sit and be sociable with him without disturbing the men’s meal. The girls’ insistence on chatting to Morrie, even though they had spent the afternoon with him, catching him up on all their concerns as well as asking him questions about where he was going for Christmas (answer, uncertain but probably joining his Father for lunch) and such, meant that the three men did not really get chance to talk until the girls went upstairs to get ready for bed, and the men’s meal started.

There was nothing new or startling about Morrie’s problems with his former boyfriend Felix, the two men’s different attitudes to relationships played out in countless other men’s lives, but Morrie being able to talk about things candidly seemed to help. They inevitably returned to the subject of Sandham House with Morrie lauding its interiors and saying that they really had to have an expedition when it reopened properly.

It was all very proper, and nothing was said. But when Nolan went to the loo, Ralph had briefly mentioned to Morrie that he and Nolan had had a chat. The man had relaxed a bit more. Perhaps something could be salvaged.