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To a Child Not Yet Born

I have just finished reading one of the best books I have ever read in my entire life. It was pristinely crystalline. Perfect. I'm still in shock that it was able to make me not stop reading it all the way through. That hasn't happened to me in years.   A Density of Souls, by Christopher Rice   It was just... amazing. I saw a lot of things coming, as usual, but it was so detailed, so complex, so absolutely and indescribably perfect!   Stephen is perfectly written. All of the char
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5

Camping and Zoloft

I had a great time at the creek last weekend. Paul invited me, and it was a f**king blast. I got to meet his boyfriend, Levi, for the first time really. I'd seen him around before but never really spoken to him, which is a total shame because the boy is absolutely one of the nicest people ever.   He talked me into shotgunning a beer with him after I'd already had SEVERAL, lol. Then he didn't complain at all when he had to help me to my tent because I was drunk enough for the sand to be m
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5

Girl Brain

I have found out that I have a decidedly female brain. I have also found out that simply because a man is gay does not mean that his brain will function any differently than a completely straight guy's does. I have further learned that boy-brained people are f**king weird.   I'm doing this paper on gender and communication for anthropology, and it's very interesting. It talks about the differences between the ways men and women in general will communicate in private and public settings. Wo
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9

Warning: Fragile

I feel like if anyone touches me, I'll break. Even if it's a hug, I'll just break. It doesn't matter if they love me or not, at this point enough bad things have happened that I'll just fall apart. I really hate feeling this way. All day today I've been kind of tearing up and then having take a few deep breaths to calm myself down. I'm nearing hysterical, and it's just not fun.   Why?   Some bad shit has happened to me, and I just don't want to talk about it. I'm shamed and feeling a
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7

Alone And Considering

I've only once really thought about it so much as I have now. That was a long time ago, though. Now, I'm not sure what's going on in my head. Nothing's the way it should be, and everyone except Liz hates me or thinks I'm this pathetic druggie loser. I'm tired of it, ya know? It's just not right. No one really cares except a few, select people.   Normally, when you hear people considering what I'm considering talk, they latch on to those "few, select people". It's like the opinion of o
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9

Long One, Lulz

So I'll start by explaining yesterday, which exemplifies why I often lose all faith in people, lol. Liz's ex, Pete, came to stay with us for a couple days. The reason for this is that their mutual friend is the Romanian guy, Adrian, who once hit on me while he was incredibly inebriated in that thick accent of his, proclaiming "Motherf**ker! My parents hate me! I want to f**k you!" Most awkwardly hilarious thing that's ever happened with a guy, just sayin'.   Adrian jumped in front of an
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3

Felt Like Sharing

A good friend of mine introduced this to me a while back. Every now and then I kinda stumble back across it cleaning my room/computer/journal/whatever and it makes me feel a lot better and kinda puts me back on the right track. I'm not much for prayer, but I do like good advice. Anyway, you can wiki this if you wanna know more about it, but it's entitled "Desiderata", translating from Latin to "desired things" in English. My favorite line is in bold: "With all its sham, drudgery, and broken
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6

I'm Always On The Wrong Day

Oh jeebus guys. Oh jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeebus. Blech!!! I think the fact that I'm incredibly tired and far too caffeinated is definitely contributing to this annoyance, but I've just had a run of annoyances lately and I'm looking for fun to balance it.   Okay, so, worst case scenario:   1.) I lose my job that I've had for barely one week because I got my schedule ALL f**ked up and have missed a shift or two on accident. 2.) I settle for what I think is less than I deserve and end up with a
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7

Smileyface!

So I'm wasting time right now until Kevin decides to wake up. I've been basically living at his apartment, going home to shower/shave/change/grab stuff and then I pretty much come right back, and I go to class. I gotta say it's sort of funny how now that I've backed away from my social circles, everyone's paying a lot of attention to me. It's so ironic that when I actually wanted attention, I could never get anyone to give me the time of day, and now that I have Kevin, everybody wants me to p
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3

Twitch

Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo   A lot has changed. I realize full well that I have borderline personality disorder, but there has been another drastic identity change.   My mother and I had a talk after my last nice big nervous breakdown involving drugs, alcohol, bad grades, failed relationships, and general ennui regarding life, and she told me that I try to har
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2

FAIL

Everything I do or try to achieve, I fail miserably at. Why?   What's so wrong with me?   Is it my personality?   Am I just not good looking enough?   Am I an asshole and don't know it?   Am I stupid?   I'm just not comprehending why every time I find a boy I like they want nothing to do with me. Another thing, why do they always let me get my hopes up first? Why not just go ahead and tell me that I stand a snowball's chance in Hell? WHY? What is the reasoning behind all o
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9

Back to the Shrink!

So the latest self analysis bout has begun. I've been thinking seriously about going back to see a shrink. Not for depression, oh no. I'm pretty happy these days. However...   Maybe I actually am anorexic. I don't really think I am. Yeah, sure, I'm kind of obsessive about my weight. However, given the fact that I am overweight, and have always been overweight since late childhood, I think I have a solid right to be obsessive about my weight. If I were underweight and believed I still n
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7

The Dead to Me List Grows

I have found myself in a strange position.  I don't have many friends, and that circle has become even smaller lately.  Never being overly social, I value my time alone, so it doesn't bother me too much.  On the other hand, I find that when I allow myself too much time to think I get carried off on wild tangential paradoxical loops of thought that leave me wanting to peel my own skin off strip by strip in order to cease analyzing.  In my mind, there's a list of people.  It's not an ever present
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3

Hehe, Wow I'm Bitchy Tonight

Do you ever have one of those moments where you step back, look at your life, and realize that you really have shit to show for it?   I'm having one of those moments, big time.   1.) School: -My grades have fallen. This semester was awful, worst yet. Two A's, a C, and an F. -Good news is I'll be a research assistant next semester for Dr. Zeigler-Hill, who's actually interested in things that tie into my own interests. Assuming nothing insane happens, he should be a seriously useful
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1

Wow Moments

So last night was a big eye-opener for me. I really do love Kevin, he's amazing as hell. Makes me crazy happy, and he's so damn sweet to me. Even when he kind of annoys me, it's so easy to just put up with it because all I have to do is think about how happy he makes me at other times, and the little annoying things just don't bug me so much. I'll be living with my best friend over the summer. I'll miss living with Kevin, 'cause that's what I've been doing for all practical purposes, but I'
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1

Hey, Look, I Bounced!

Heh, my mom told me a kinda funny thing about the whole annoying depression thing a lil while back and just the way she worded it was funny to me. Something to do with the fact that falling isn't bad, but not being bouncy is. She maintains that some people's problem is that they never learn to bounce.   Anyway, I'm back in school. No more roomie to make me feel degraded and hopeless (in fact I have a private room), a few semi-friends who are all nice in passing. One of them was my hall d
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1

Cousins and Stuff

So today some really huge issues came up and I am really at a loss as to further course of action. I know beyond any shadow of a doubt that I have to take serious action regarding these issues, because I know I can't just let them lie. If I do, I may end up with regrets that I'm just not willing to live with. One of these involves a sorta.... well.... let's say that it's within the realm of those few and far between things I just can't talk about on my blog due to possible legal repercussions
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4

Do I LOOK Twelve?!

I'm a little bit annoyed. Generally things are going well. I'm employed (actually twice-employed) and in class and doing well. The only thing that's not going great is my weight because that's gone back up to the mid-140s instead of the mid 130s like it should be, but even that doesn't really bother me.   The thing that's pissing me the f**K off is the way my mother seems to want to treat me like I'm a child. Okay, yeah, I'm 19, blahblahblah, she's older and she knows better. Whatever. T
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2

PSY 110 Paper

So I have to write 10 pages worth of a paper for psychology. So far I have almost eight, and I'm splitting it into two papers (that's allowed so long as there's ten pages of text total). This one is a self-diagnosis, which I think is probably the last thing he wants to read, lol. I'm wondering if it's just too much to turn in... diagnosing myself with borderline personality disorder may be a bit weird of a read, but the paper is really vague, it's just supposed to be on how psychology applies
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2

It's been a while, huh?

In September of last year, things in my memory get hazy quickly.  Bits and pieces have come back to me over time that I now know to be accurate, but I still have to recreate what happened based on how my memory fits in with explanations from friends and family, text messages and emails, and my hospital records.   Since I was nineteen, I’ve been somewhat of a heavy drinker on and off.  God knows what all the drugs I did in my younger days did to me.  There were multiple times as a teen
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3

Velocity vs Viscosity

You know how I have that brain thing where I think about a million things all at once? Well, one of my favorite books is Girl, Interrupted. There's a passage in there that explains it really well, so I'm posting it here. Pay attention to the velocity part. (Yes, I'm keeping the paragraphs exactly as they are in the book, it's part of the style. Looks better single spaced with slight indentions to mark paragraphs.)     Velocity vs. Viscosity   Insanity comes in two basic varieties: slow
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5

I'm GOING to Have a Good Day, Damn It

I'm sick of this shit. I've managed to slip up and let myself regress back to my old self. I've slid back into that idiotic frame of mind where I let other people influence how happy I am, where I depend on other people. I need to get back to being self-sufficient, independent of any needs that require other people's cooperation. Today's gonna be the turnaround. I need to make up my lost ground and gain a little more.   First, I'm getting back to my diet/exercise. I'm not gonna let oth
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3

MSN, Finances, And Villainy

Okay, so how's it going, guys? My MSN list is officially a wasteland. Once upon a time, I could sign in and have wondrously meaningful and interesting or at least just random funny conversations at any time of day or night. Now... there is never a soul online. I have like five people that I ever speak to, and everyone else is just... gone. My solution: greeneyeliner39429@hotmail.com, come entertain me sometime. Yah, random, but I like having people to talk to and I like being social someti
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6

Shot Boy?

All kinds of things are happening. It's so much fun, so much going on all at once, and it's just... it's how life SHOULD be. Slightly stressful, but not too much, and lots of good, with a steady stream of continual progress.   Well, I have a new roommate. Allan, my friend who hated his roomie, switched with my roomie so now we live together. Yeah, that's the Allan I made out with. No, I'm not going to make out with him again. It just isn't going to happen because of several factors, bu
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2

Really? REALLY?!

First off, you should listen to the song Dancing by Elisa. It's absolutely f**king beautiful and it makes me want to cry and smile and giggle and sob all at the same time.   So, the reason this entry is entitled "Really? REALLY?!" is because it's just un-freakin'-believable sometimes, with the shit life tends to throw at me. It's not bad, but I'm so frustrated! You guys know me, I'm a worrier, which means I want to fix everything and everyone.   Two of my aunts are losin' their freak
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