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Warning: Fragile



I feel like if anyone touches me, I'll break. Even if it's a hug, I'll just break. It doesn't matter if they love me or not, at this point enough bad things have happened that I'll just fall apart. I really hate feeling this way. All day today I've been kind of tearing up and then having take a few deep breaths to calm myself down. I'm nearing hysterical, and it's just not fun.




Some bad shit has happened to me, and I just don't want to talk about it. I'm shamed and feeling alone, and it takes me a while to come out of all that. I know all I have to do is just hold on. Eventually, this won't matter. My Aunt Brenda said it in a nice way when she was like "I think you're seriously misunderstanding; this particular moment is just that, one moment in time, and you have a lot more moments. This isn't the be all and end all, and this will fade away; the only thing that matters is what you do with it".


I think she kind of hit the nail on the head with that one. I can't imagine the fact that all the things that I feel pressure about actually CAN wait. There's not really any rush, and I'm just imagining it. I don't need any boy to complete me or give me approval. I don't need to be perfect. I don't have to have everyone think highly of me. I don't need anything that I think I need so bad. The bitch of this is that now I'm crying because I still can't make myself believe that. My chest hurts so bad, just that empty, painful feeling.


I feel so alone. People keep telling me they love me, but they're not the right people. All the people I ever really try to make love me, and I really try to make pay attention to me never do. They just breeze over me, like I was just a stepping stone for them. That hurts so bad, and I don't think I'll ever actually just be used to it. My mom said it was just something I need to learn to guard against... and I guess she's right... but I've always thought that it's better to be open and try and get hurt than to just.... stop trying. I dunno. I don't think that's quite what she meant. I'm just tired, and I can't sleep enough. I don't know what I want to do. I can't figure it out, and the more I try to think the more I feel like I'm picking up pieces of a broken vase and trying to put it all back together. By the time I figure out what piece goes where, another one's fallen back off, and I can't keep my hands on all of them at once.


I just need to calm down. Everything will be okay. I'm fine, right? There's nothing wrong with me. The more I stay around all of these Jesus-freaks the more I wonder if God is some sort of drug for them. I'm still not ready to convert, even though it's kind of tempting sometimes. I'll always remember that they're the ones that told me I'm going to hell for something that is me, and though I do sometimes forgive, I will never forget. Ever.


Now, I'm going to go and have a cigarette and try to keep myself from breaking. I'll wrap myself in tape or something, but I feel so terrible. I don't know. For the first time in a really long time, I've been seriously considering just... falling down and not getting back up.


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Jamie, You ever notice how some of the best stuff on Earth is fragile? Thats why its the best, in spite of everything going against it, it is still around just as delicate as ever, yet persevering against everything time can throw at it. Time is a devious horrible thing in my opinion, but that doesn't stop it's relentless siege on all of us. But in the end just like your grandma said, its all moments, one strung after the next. Enjoy them as they pass, don't sit and yearn for what has yet to come. You never know, being so focused on the end you can wind up missing the now.


And, if you want to break? Thats not so bad either. The oils on the Mona Lisa are cracked and brittle with age, but she's still beautiful. Part of that beauty is that she is no longer 'perfect'.


I'm just saying perfection isn't everything. perfection is an interchangeable part in the grand scheme of our existence. The Magic is in the flaws we all have, and having people love us because of those flaws, not in spite of them.





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Sounds like the right person is the one who will stop to notice you, fragile, craked, and leaking emotions, and then you'll know because you'll be absolutely perfect just as you are... just Jamie. It's hard to feel like needing someone or attention from people, or a certain person, is unnecessary. I go both ways on that... being loved by someone else for exactly the person you are is... amazing, but loving yourself for exactly who you are is something that isn't real easy to achieve, but it's a hell of a lot more valuable. Hang in there, cause tomorrow is another day, and another chance, and another smile, and another day to be exactly who you are and one of these days, that right person is going to come along and think you're perfect...




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Oh Jamie, I know you don't want to be touched, but I'd still really like to give you a big hug and hold you after reading that.


It is most important that you love yourself, and those other things can wait, BUT you can still cry and mourn for them now. That's allowed, and it's very healthy.


You're very beautiful, inside and out, and if people don't see it...well they're just blind and stupid.


Take care,


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I'm not sure I can add much to what the others have said....


There are times when we all just need to vent a huge amount of emotions and in those moments we can fell like the whole world is falling apart no matter what we do. Sometimes it is just best to let it fall apart, let yourself fall apart and then when you are done venting, pick yourself up and start again anew. There are lots of sayings along the lines of 'Everybody falls, it is getting back up that shows what your made of.' Besides for me these are some of my happies times (I'm weird! :P ) because you can learn a lot about yourself and after the storm has passed everything is just a little bit sweeter, brighter and more fun.


Sometimes being alone does just suck but using someone to fill in a hole in your soul (or whatever) doesn't work for long. I know what it is like to look for someone else to accept you for who you are instead of just accepting yourself as you are. I'd rather be alone than in a bad relationship, but if you don't put yourself out there, vulnerable, fragile and ready to be hurt, how can you ever find true love. Still if you arn't completely comfortable with yourself then how can you expect anyone else to be?


Jamie, your an amazing person.....and I don't even know you that well! I hope you find confidence in the person you are when everything else has crumbled away.



Greg :)

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Thanks guys, I'm feeling a lot better. :) Still kind of blech, but I'm fixing it. I think I'll be way better when I get to school again, with a new roommate, a new building, new classes, new everything. A nice, fresh start might do me some good.


Thanks again, means a lot to me.

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