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About this blog

An examination of my own whirling thoughts, opinions, and rabbit holes.  Most if not all posts will center around writing and my motivations for undertaking such work.

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Entries in this blog

Into the Oaty Unknown

tim shared his Apricot-Almond baked oatmeal recipe, and I thought ... "Yeah, there are eggs, cream and butter in it, but ... the oats and nuts will help with the cholesterol. It should be okay if I don't go crazy and eat half the pan. Okay, let's go to the store for ingredients!" Off I go. I spend forty minutes in total driving there, walking around with my barely acceptable "I don't care" hair, selecting stuff, then driving back home. Once back here, I begin the process of prepping the dri
Wayne Gray

Wayne Gray

15

Week Three Begins

I now have two weeks under my belt, and I'm beginning week three of my workout/meal regimen. I'm still getting used to some things, but it's a lot easier to roll out of bed at 440 than it was when I started. So far I've lost four pounds and gained strength on the bench and under the bar. It's rare for me to do both at once. I am enjoying this combination of routine and meal planning. If you're interested at all, here's what I'm doing. I hid the details behind spoilers ... because, frankly,
Wayne Gray

Wayne Gray

21

Penance

I hate watching people tear down others for simply living their lives. You'd think that within the LGBTQ community we'd have figured out how hurtful and damaging it is to do this to one another, but we've still such a long way to go. Some of it is so very subtle. People who are pushed to the fringes of an already marginalized community have it the worst. They get used to little jabs, "good-natured" fun at their expense. Usually these come from the people who they depend on to understand the
Wayne Gray

Wayne Gray

8

Ninety Days

I recently went to the doctor. Had some routine blood tests done that I've not had in a long time. My vitamin D levels were low, while cholesterol and a test called CRP (c-reactive protein, a test that shows inflammation) were very high. Even though I work out hard, I'm predisposed to high cholesterol and heart disease. I have three months to knock my numbers down. If I can't do it on my own, then I go on meds for the rest of my life. I've always said that I won't do medication when ha
Wayne Gray

Wayne Gray

27

DemiGay

Warning: If relationships that include sex with others apart from committed partners offends you then skip this entry. Like so many of us who have a non-hetero identity, I've done a lot of research on sexuality.  I've also researched for stories I write (particularly the one I'm currently posting, Camp Refuge).  One that I discovered while researching was demisexuality.  Here's urban dictionary's definition of it, and it works pretty well.  https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=De
Wayne Gray

Wayne Gray

18

Houseboat Adventure

We’re now on the road, headed back from our house-boating vacation. The first thing we did was load everything onboard, then we got a crash course on not crashing the boat.  After our thirty-minute briefing, we pulled away from the dock and onto the open water of Shasta Lake. Our only goal was to have a good time.  To that end, we tooled along on the beautiful and sunny lake until we found a safe, secluded little inlet. We docked by motoring slowly forward and gently kissing the s
Wayne Gray

Wayne Gray

11

Good Things are Coming

"Good Things are Coming" I stared down at the carefully written chalk letters on the sidewalk under my feet.  I was on a walk during my break, and I wondered why someone wrote such a message. I continued on my way. "Good Things are Coming" 'Are they?'  I asked myself as I rounded the corner to head around the block and head back toward my office.  'Are they really?'  It's so hard to be positive sometimes.  I'll admit, I felt a little irritated at the blind, uninformed, and ba
Wayne Gray

Wayne Gray

19

Proof of Concept

In Fleeting Eternity, Tad, one of the main characters is an artist.  He drew in a graphic novel style, and he depicted many of his experiences in a sequential way - essentially creating a wordless, "novel" of his life over the span of a few years. So many readers asked if the story was based on something I had read, if there was such a book.  It made me think about the possibilities, and mourn my lack of skill with drawing. I'm nothing if not stubborn, so I thought around the problem. 
Wayne Gray

Wayne Gray

9

When Skunks Attack

Last night, I wasn't in the best place.  Introverted, still sort of spinning.  But, wildlife doesn't care about my moods. Our chickens were restless.  It was dusk, and we went out to investigate.  I spied a little skunk - small enough to squeeze between the wire that made up the chicken run trying to hide in the darkness of the run.  So we're out there, trying to get this little confused, scared critter out of our chicken run AND avoid getting sprayed.  Kevin grabs a wire door, to block off
Wayne Gray

Wayne Gray

10

Allowed to Break

There are days when you just show up.  Days when you do what you must, hating every iota of effort spent, every word spoken, every interaction.  Days when all you want to do is hide, but you can't. So you straighten your spine, raise your head, put on the expected show.  You - "Fake it till you make it."  Sometimes, a smile at a terrible joke from a coworker is so hard, it feels like you'll crack.  But you know it's expected... so you do it.  When someone asks how you're doing, you have to
Wayne Gray

Wayne Gray

18

Bled the Blood (part 2)

This is surreal.  To hear my little song done by my buddy in his own, folky/country style is so strange.  To know that his regular fans hearing it love it is even stranger... Happy Friday... wow.  
Wayne Gray

Wayne Gray

9

Home

It's a drizzly Friday morning on the northern coast of California.  Banks of low clouds blend into fog blanketing the forests of what has become my home.  Big, brainy, loud ravens shatter the quiet as they bicker at one another in the field beside my work.  Still, I'm amazed by the serenity, peace, and beauty of this place.  I love the green, the fog, the wetness and the cool. I love our trees - the tallest in the world.  Walking among them instills wonder in me, even after thirteen years o
Wayne Gray

Wayne Gray

12

A Silly Exercise

Until today, I have never done a writing prompt. In true fashion, I chose a weird, silly, off-the-wall start to writing prompts.  See the little, ~750 word story behind the link if you want a giggle. Demonic Dentistry
Wayne Gray

Wayne Gray

13

The Best of Us

It's so easy to be worn down by the world.  There are so many bad stories, a crushing amount of awful news, that it is just overwhelming if you allow it. So I tend to find and focus on the possible good that people can do. I'll stop here.  The story speaks for itself.
Wayne Gray

Wayne Gray

4

Many Hells

There are many battles and many Hells. To those who have walked through their own torment and are still here - don't let anybody say that you "should just move on." Just because they've not been tested doesn't give them the right to belittle how hard you had to fight to survive. You're still here.  That makes you a warrior.  The others?  The ones who don't know?  Lucky them.  Let them sit cocooned in their soft world. But we know, don't we?
Wayne Gray

Wayne Gray

15

Here We Go

This week I began a new workout regimen.  I was sick of excuses I make when I can't make it to the gym, so I wanted something I can do anywhere.  No excuses then, right? I planned out a mostly bodyweight routine.  I have simple equipment on hand too - two 35 lb kettlebells,  a yoga mat for when I need to be on the floor, push-up bars to keep my wrists happy, and a pull-up bar above our bedroom doorway.  I'm focusing on increasing the work done in the same span of time.  I am not interested
Wayne Gray

Wayne Gray

6

Was it ever Broken?

With all my free time (hahaha!) I've been going through a hard edit of Camp Refuge.  It's sort of the story where I found my favorite subject matter.  It was where I decided I was no longer a writer of "porn with plot", but rather "erotica with purpose". Head-hopping became my enemy after Camp Refuge.  I realized that I did it a lot, and I felt I had to eliminate it in order to improve, and grow.  So I did (mostly). Yet, as I edit and as more players are added to the mix in Camp Refuge
Wayne Gray

Wayne Gray

27

Broken, but Good

I started rereading a story I wrote a while back. Camp Refuge is such a keystone for me.  It has so many good things going for it, embedded in a package of terrible mechanics.  I'm going to try and explain what I mean. I began it to help a reader who had written while I was in the process of releasing Guarded on another site.  He was recently diagnosed with HIV, and he was wrecked.  I'll never forget the last two lines he ever wrote to me - "Who could love me now?  Who could possibly l
Wayne Gray

Wayne Gray

14

Howl at the Moon

I'm pissed. Maybe I shouldn't be. Perhaps I should expect less; I don't know. I post work on multiple sites.  Well, on a different site I've built a reputation as a sort of HEA, feel-good, everybody wins writer.  I guess I should have known to post my aggressive, erotic story Silverwolf there would throw people (even though I put a warning on the first chapter to explain it was very different from my usual offering). I am utterly fine getting emails to say that "Hey, this isn't my
Wayne Gray

Wayne Gray

29

Dreamer’s Disease

I was driving on the way to our most remote site, and this melody/lyrics began to play in my brain.  So I pulled off, recorded it, then continued on my way. https://drive.google.com/open?id=1kzx9g8bKyTRl4pzA_OC42FGXN42vo5-n I’ll decide later if it’s worth trying to flesh out into a complete song.  Maybe ask my buddy who does Folk singing for a living what he thinks. Till then, is the melody familiar to anybody?  It’d suck to think it’s mine when it’s not.
Wayne Gray

Wayne Gray

13

Fleeting Eternity

I'm a nice guy. I think about how others feel, consider their beliefs, and I try to be respectful in as many things as I can. So when I write I do my best to adhere to those same principals.  Yet, therein lies a limitation. Not rocking the boat of the reader, not challenging their beliefs, not forcing them to grow is a failing.  It's one that I struggle to move beyond, and it has kept me from posting work.  I know some of the things I've written will simply not pass muster for som
Wayne Gray

Wayne Gray

23

Bluegrass Symphony

I miss many things about Kentucky.  And though it took a while, I finally realized what it is that I truly long to experience again.   Let's start with what I don't miss - the people.  Those are the most mixed bag when it comes to my thoughts of my home state.  I've met some of the most honest, hard-working, and caring people there.  Yet, I've also run into some awful apples.  They were judgmental, hardened by poverty and suffering from a lack of opportunity - all of which conspired to
Wayne Gray

Wayne Gray

21

The Strong One

I've always been the helper - the strong one.   I'm the one people go to, to be heard.  I'm the one people know can handle more.  I carry my load, and then yours, and theirs, and the world's too.   But today, I didn't want to get out of bed.  I feel like there's a band of iron around my chest like the world is crushing me.  There's no reason, and if there's no reason then there's no fix.   There's nobody in my life who I can lean on, simply because I've never asked
Wayne Gray

Wayne Gray

7

Well Adjusted?

"You know, for a guy who grew up in Kentucky, you seem pretty well adjusted to the whole gay thing."   I thought about what Greg had said as I drove home.  I hadn't replied other than to smile and nod.  What would he feel if I told him all of it?  I toyed with the idea, but it was too early for that.  He didn't need to know just how damaged I was.   Regardless of my choice to keep the entirety of the truth from Greg, I couldn't stop it from replaying in my mind.  It was just
Wayne Gray

Wayne Gray

4

Bled the Blood

My musical buddy, a guy named Jonathan Foster is going to use a song I wrote in his next album.  That's pretty damn cool and flattering.  I wrote it for a story, and it turned out pretty good.   If you want to abuse your ears here's me singing my acapella version of it. Bled the Blood  Jonathan will do a better job though, thankfully.   I've got just enough of a few gifts to know that I am not quite at a level that can be considered exceptional.  But, that's all right.  I'm p
Wayne Gray

Wayne Gray

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